Some sex workers say, “Its just a job.” But if I wanted “just a job” I’d go sit at a desk for 40 hours a week. To me, sex work is a lifestyle. Because in this business the most important asset I have is, well, me. My sexuality. My self.
I’m in sex work for fun, adventure, and to learn about myself and sexuality more broadly. I’ve had jobs before, I’ve pursued careers. But one thing was always missing – ME. The job came first, and I was last. I was so exhausted at the end of the day I was lucky if I had the energy to masturbate. Sex was reserved for weekends and special occasions, if that.
I had a “normal” upper middle class upbringing, though for some reason sex was always a challenge for me. I craved pleasure and connection but I was uncomfortable going there. Like many young women, I hated my body and felt ashamed of being sexual. Jobs kept me distracted. Ironically, even jobs teaching about sex (!) became an easy excuse to avoid what I simultaneously desired and feared.
Yet as a sex worker, sex comes first. And as a feminine woman, my emotions are closely linked to my sexuality – so my feelings have become a priority. For over 3 years I’ve produced and starred in fetish porn and have worked on webcam. Not only has it given me space to explore my sexuality, but its forced me to confront insecurities and fears about sex, and the rest of life too. As millionaire T. Harv Eker says, “How you do anything is how you do everything” – for better or or for worse.
When something is bothering me, its hard to get sexually aroused. I have two options: (A) I can fake arousal and do the work anyway, or (B) I can look within myself and take time to address the issue. (A) goes against everything I believe in, the reasons why I’m in sex work, but I’d be lying if I said I never tried. Yet whenever I’ve chosen (A) its has a negative effect on my income. When I’m having a good time, I make good money. The fans can tell, and I’m thankful. Because whether I like it or not, its imperative I get over my own bullshit so I can enjoy sex and thus earn a living.
Whether its a painful memory, a disagreement with my husband, or feeling insecure about my appearance, sex work has given me space and reason to let go of my “problems” and build my self esteem. When working at a regular job, I was too tired and too scared to go there. I brushed it under the rug because I could. But in sex work, my rug is seen from all angles and there’s nowhere to hide. The result? Better sex. Happier relationship. And more money.
Why on EARTH would I want “just a job”?
This is a Guest Post from Kelsey – KelseyEducation.com