I am a fan of public play. I like what other people bring to spaces. The energy, the voyeurism, a sexy soundtrack. I also like the safety that comes with public play. Knowing that if something went wrong there would be back up close by. So I wind up doing the vast majority of my play publicly – but there’s something I need you to know – I’m not playing for you.
I’m not a performative person by nature. Not only is it just not something really I dig, but a combination of egocentricity and a (apparently) slightly distorted self-perception gives me a default state of assuming people are uninterested in me. So much so that I can find up paranoid and jumpy when people are paying me attention for long periods of time. Like, even if I was a keynote speaker for a weekend event I assume people are looking at me because there’s something on my face or my outfit must be somehow wrong for the event I’m at.
These two facts about me make for interesting bed fellows, public kink and uncomfortableness with performance, I mean. You see, public kink (by virtue of being public) includes an element of performance – in the exact same that all things that involve other humans winds up being slightly performative. It’s like when I dress in the mornings and then leave the house: you’ll see me and that interaction makes is a performance.
I may run through your sight quickly and just as quickly be forgotten, or you might decide to interact with me. Let’s say you do decide to interact with me and compliment me on my outfit. It’s nice if you also enjoy my outfit, and I sometimes I can enjoy a compliment as much as the next person….but I didn’t dress for you. I dressed to be pleasing for me…and maybe a select few others if you caught me at the right moment. But random person on the street, I did not dress for you.
When I’m playing with my partner my focus is on us; how we move together, how her hands feel against my body; how his cock feels against my face through his jeans; how their breathing changes as I lick, bite, slap, and lash out onto them. I relish the connection of touching my partner’s skin; or when they take a moment to breath with me so we can tune in even closer. On the best of days everything else melts away and we, or even just I, am somewhere else completely.
It can be a harsh landing when someone’s thoughtless comments or actions rip into my head-space and jerk me away.
There are only a few occasion where this behavior winds up angering me. Most often when someone asks “when the show” is about to begin. I am not your show. Unless I’m getting paid the next sentence out of my mouth are likely to start with the words “Fuck” and “Yourself”. Other anger inducing moments occur when someone takes my connection, my fantasy come to life with someone and overlays their own. Like my agency means so little compared to their sense of entitlement. The audacity astounds me.
Moving back to the complimenting and dress analogy, there are other times the intrusion is much more innocent. Perhaps you caught me in a moment when I’m not in the right mental state for compliments, I’d rather be left alone, no matter how good your intentions are. I know the general rule is to give people a brief time before approaching them after play; but sometimes I’m not really to talk about a scene yet; even hours after I’m finished playing. And to hear you compliment it or tell me how it affected you just isn’t something I’m able to discuss.
Even further, little moments of ignorance; a called out injection from the peanut gallery; getting too close to a scene in casual settings like camp; seeing something so god damn hot you can’t seem to keep your jaw from dropping – can affect, and I’m guilty of it too. And when I’m aware of crossing this particular line I make a point privately apologizing to the people whose scene I potentially interrupted. It’s what I would want for myself.
Because it’s not about me in those moments. It never is. It’s about a connection that I’m blessed to see, lucky to be a witness to. If I want to keep my welcome witness status I need to check my behavior, my lust and my thoughtlessness and not let it get the better of me.
Voyeriusm can be sexy. Non-negotiated entitlement is not.
Written by guest author Heather Elizabeth from Kinkopedia