By Shanna Katz
I love being queer, and most of the time, I love the queer community. However, I don’t like the policing that often goes on inside the queer community, and I’m now seeing similar policing happening in the kink community, and I’m sorry, but I think it is poppy cock!
Since when was bisexuality not welcome under the umbrella of queerness? How can we judge people for being true to their orientation and their attractions when that is exactly what were are not wanting ourselves to be judge on? And how about how much of the queer community treats queer women who end up in relationships/marriages with cisgender men? Suddenly, members of the queer community act as though these women are no longer queer, have turned their backs on the community, or have become the enemy, simply by falling in love with someone the community deems “inappropriate.”
I see this happening in the kink community as well. Just like in the queer community where people are judged “queer enough” or not, the kink community sometimes sets guidelines for what makes you “kinky enough.” If you don’t play in public, if you’re not in a D/s or M/s relationship, if you don’t like giving/getting pain, if you’re not interested in protocol, etc, all of these things have been reasons for people to be deemed not “real” kinksters or “not kinky enough.”
What the heck is wrong with us? We are minority communities, ones that operate outside of the defaults of society. How dare we police within our own communities, making judgments on others as to whether WE think they are enough of anything. How can we call ourselves an open and accepting community when we tell people that they can’t be part of it because who they are/aren’t attracted to, or because their kinks don’t match our own?
As minority groups, we need to gain strength in numbers by being welcoming and supportive of all those who identify, rather than weaken our communities by putting up walls and random gates. Who are we to be gate keepers to those who seek to find solidarity? When we make such judgments, create such boundaries and divides, and tell those who want to join us that they aren’t enough, we then become as judgmental as those who judge us. As communities, we seek acceptance and understanding from the mainstream world, but how can we hope for such a thing when we ourselves fail to demonstrate these traits?
The queer community has enough room for lesbians, bisexuals, gays, queers, questioning people, intersex folk, transfolk, gender queer individuals, curious ones, picky people, femmes, butches, bois, grrls, dykes, fags, androgynous people, pansexuals, heteroflexibles, homoflexibles, and every other permutation of the concept of non-heterosexuality. The kink community has space for masters, mistresses, slaves, submissives, perverts, kinksters, sadists, masochists, mommies, daddies, littles, fetishists, babies, ponies, puppies, moose, butch hunters, ringmasters, dom(me)s, service folk, sluts, chastity lovers, voyeurs, exhibitionists, home players, public players and everyone else. The more that our communities can group, exhibit support for ALL of our members and sustain ourselves, the more we will be accepted in society, and the more power we will have to create change.