You’re Not MY Dom/me!

 Posted by on October 23, 2010
Oct 232010
 

By AliceSin Aerie

As a proponent of personal decorum, I rarely go on a public rant. However, several months ago a major peeve of mine rubbed me so raw that I went on a Twitter bender. Just as my thumbs finished their fury, I felt remorse sinking in. I braced myself for a follower exodus, but instead a resounding chorus cried “I know! I hate that too!”

From that rant this column was born. So I bring you this topic from the very depths of my kinky being: Just because you are Dominant or a Top, does not give you the right to Top everyone around you.

Yes, you read me correctly. If I had a penny for every conversation, dinner, event, conference or occasion that I witnessed being dragged down by someone who finds it their duty to Top the world, I could build a new Versailles.

As a Dominant or Top, it’s up to you to define who you are in your relationship with yourself and those who consent to submit or bottom to you. Everyone else is required to treat you with common decency and to respect you as a fellow human being. That in itself is a tall order in our culture, so recognize the effort put forth by your peers and behave in kind.

To further clarify your social role as a Dominant/Top:

You are not the Dominant/Top of every submissive/bottom/Switch you encounter. While someone may choose to treat you with deference and you may accept, you are not entitled to it. It is their free choice to pay homage to you or not. Unless and until you request or are offered submission for a consensual scene or any sort of relationship and it is granted, that person is your equal. It may be casually acknowledged or formally requested; in any case, consent is required.

You are not the Dominant/Top of any other Dominant/Top/Switch identified person you encounter. Having a positive opinion of yourself is healthy, I strongly encourage it. Having the idea in your head that you are the superior of everyone you meet is a reality only to you; play it out with consenting partners only. Behaving with a sense of superior entitlement with your peers only tells us that you are ragingly insecure and that the “real you” is buried under tons of emotional baggage. We’re not bellhops, you are responsible for your own baggage. This behavior not only makes you look bad in the moment; it also does you a disservice in the long run by alienating you from the very people who would foster a safe haven in which to feel secure and to grow. The role of Head Bitch in Charge is not one that is seized, it is one that is earned and granted out of respect if it is granted at all. You will not win the respect of your peers by forcing yourself upon us as the longest speaker, the loudest laughter or the person who interrupts at top volume the most often.

You are not the Dominant/Top of everyone you encounter in the world outside of the kink community. If you are a patron of a restaurant, shop or any other business, you are just that and can expect to be treated as such. This person is performing a service as their profession and is deserving of professional respect. You are not the person’s temporary Owner. Even what you may consider positive reinforcement may be inappropriate. Loudly cooing “good boy!” at a waiter or customer service representative is condescending at best, stop it.

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