How to have a Kick-Ass Sex Life

 Posted by on February 27, 2011
Feb 272011
 

By Leah Shapiro

Do you feel good about your sexuality?

This has been the topic of discussion over the past few weeks on my radio show “My Kick-Ass Dream Life”. We’ve been doing a 4-week series of shows called “What About Sex?” and we’ve been digging deep into this topic. (So deep that we seem to have gotten into a bit of trouble with the BlogTalk “authorities” for being too explicit, but that is a different story.)

During a women’s circle I was in 2003, we were asked to describe how we felt about sex and our sexuality. Out of 24 women, only three said that they felt empowered by their sexuality. The rest of the women expressed disappointment, shame, fear, pain, and deep dissatisfaction about their sexual experiences. It made me wonder why so many people settle for a sex life that is less than satisfying.

I find that it all comes down to your relationship with self. It’s related to how well you know and trust yourself, and how committed to your own happiness you are.

Sexuality is such an integral part of who we are and a big part of our creative energy. It’s a form of self-expression, and a place for deep connection with ourselves and our partners (or partners, depending on how you roll).

And let’s not forget about the pleasure that sexuality brings! There’s potential for so much juicy goodness!

You can have the sex life that you desire–you just have to give yourself permission! You have to trust yourself and know your desires. Your cravings are a natural thing, there is nothing evil or wrong about them, but we tend to make them wrong in our minds.
When it comes right down to it, the only thing preventing you from having what you want is your thoughts about having it.

Maybe you think about wanting to try something new, and you immediately wonder what your partner will think of you if you suggest it to them. What if they reject you and think you’re some kind of freak? So you deny your desire and ignore that part of you.

It’s not surprising that we do this. The primary culture model around sexuality is shame-filled, shallow and dysfunctional at best, and there are double standards galore!

I remember being a young kid and going to church with my friends, and the priest gave a sermon about the evils of touching yourself and the importance of being chaste. Even as a young kid, I knew this was bullshit! To me it was something natural that stirred inside of me. There was no way I was going to believe that I was somehow evil for having impure thoughts. My friends were another story. They bought into this hook, line, and sinker. Now, that is not to say that they didn’t have sex, because they did. Matter a fact, this same friend was pregnant at 15. Her family sent her away to a religious home for unwed mothers. Talk about shame!!! The question is: how do you feel about your sexual desires?

Do you feel ashamed of your thoughts and desires, or do you open up to them, exploring and experimenting with them?

Do you make yourself wrong for wanting something kinky, or do you welcome the pleasure that it brings?

Do you look for the things that bring you gratification and freely allow yourself pleasure?

This last one is a big one! In my mind, sexuality is all about pleasure, and from what I see with the people I work with, so many of them have mixed feelings about pleasure. To some, seeking pleasure is selfish, frivolous, or something to be earned or rationed out.

One of the biggest misconceptions is that pleasure is something that someone else is suppose to give to you. Rather than taking matters into your own hands and discovering what feels good to you, you expect that your lover is going to know what pleases you. You are making someone else responsible for your pleasure and satisfaction. No wonder there are so many sexually unsatisfied people out there!

It’s time to stop settling!

Just like with everything in life, you are the only one who knows what will make you happy, satisfied, and feel good. Give yourself permission to discover exactly what turns you on and makes you feel delicious. Give yourself consent to play, explore and experiment. Don’t be afraid to go it alone and try things out on yourself to learn what works for you.

Remember: don’t let your thoughts get in the way of your good time! Start to notice the places where you let in your desires or hold them back and make them wrong. Trust your desires. They’re all good.

Let me know what you discover!

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