By Amethyst Wonder
This past month, I’ve gotten at least three messages from people who I’ve already talked to/met/gone out with and, for whatever reason, dismissed as potential partners. Actually, they were all dismissed as potential anything (for me).
Now, I’m not talking about harmless, “I hope things are going well,” type messages which I’d still prefer not to get. I’m talking about, “Find any asses to fuck yet?” and “Miss me yet?” Ew.
Don’t do that. Seriously. Don’t be that guy. The others have been less offensive and more annoying.
The first of those messages was from someone I’ve already written about, Mr. Good on Paper.
He’s a nice enough guy, but I have no interest in playing with him. And even though I’ve told him that, he still “checks in” every few months despite my ignoring him. The other message, “Miss me yet?” was from someone I haven’t (yet) written about who I actually went on a few dates with before several offensives showed themselves.
Both of those messages were particularly irritating, because that was the entire message. As though the sender thought that was all I was missing in my life and would leap into their arms (or asses) at the mere suggestion.
If you have gone through the process of meeting and vetting someone, and it doesn’t work out, let it be. No means no. It means stop. A cease and desist order has been given.
I’m obviously not talking about people who say, “let’s keep in touch,” or “maybe some other time.” No, this is about those times when for any reason from lack of chemistry to lack of mutual interests to outright offense, one party states they are not interested in any future interaction with the other party(ies).
I understand how hard it can be to find someone with mutual interests, especially if you have a less common fetish. I know it can be tempting to turn back to that feeder/pegger/boot worshipper/watersports fan you already found. But if that person has already made themselves clear that they are not interested in feeding/pegging/boot-licking/peeing on you, then it’s not an option. Even with a light-hearted flirting approach, even giving a few “harmless” compliments is a no go. Asking them again is a violation of their boundaries.
Assuming you’re actually a decent human being who would never knowingly, willingly violate someone else’s boundaries, let me explain this. (If you’re not, then you probably won’t listen anyway.)
Every time you decide someone else doesn’t really know what they want, that you know what’s better for them, or that your needs are more important than theirs (unless they’ve already yielded that control), you’ve put yourself on a spectrum that makes you at best annoying and at worst a rapist.
Wait, Amethyst, did you say rapist? Yes. Yes, I did. No means no does not just apply to sex.
We get to decide our own boundaries; we don’t get to decide others’ unless they explicitly give us that authority.