The Last Taboo

 Posted by on July 7, 2012
Jul 072012
 

As a sex-positive business attorney, I have heard about, discussed and drafted agreements relating to a number of things many would find “kinky” or “taboo.”  At this point, over nine years in to my practices, there isn’t much that can shock or  scandalize me, and the same can be said for many of my clients-with one very large exception. Nearly every one of my clients, save for a very small handful, have one very big very upsetting taboo that they hate to think, hear or even talk about.

What is it you ask? Money.

Now how can that be? My clients are, by the definition of my services, in some sort of business. They have to think about money, right? That’s what business IS right? Well this is somewhat true, but trust me, most business owners, but particularly folks involved in some way in the sex industry, do NOT like to think about money. It’s something I’ve noticed a lot lately, and something I have vowed to change for my clients. So let me give you some examples and some ways I’ve tried to help clients overcome this last great taboo:

Example 1 – The Community Caretaker

If I’ve seen this once, I’ve seen it 1,000 times. If this person were in any other industry, they would be charging top dollar for their work and calling it “consulting” or “business development,” but because it involves sex in some way (kink, leather, adult sex education, etc.) they’ve convinced themselves that they have no business asking their “community” for money to help plan, organize, fund and nuture projects and fledgling businesses. Because of this, the Community Caretaker often suffers from burnout and can’t figure why they aren’t enjoying work everyone else seems to envy.

Example 2 – The Education/Experience Addict

This person did not start out as a community or education leader, but has attended enough events and studied enough that they often know more than some of the people presenting at said events. Because of this, the Education/Experience Addict is well known in community circles and may often asked to “assist” or “demo” for a presenter. Wanting to soak up every experience possible, TEEA will say yes even when they might have another commitment, or may find that their “assisting” has turned more into “co-presenting” if things go off the rails at an event or presentation.

Example 3 – The Timid Talker

This person may have established their sex-related business (educator, assistant, shop owner, performer, provider, etc.) and may really be enjoying the work, but has a hard time asking for payment for their services or asking folks to shop at their versus just browsing and ordering things online. The Timid Talker will often reach the conclusion that they weren’t cut out to be in business for themselves, or that they’re not good at it, which can result in the loss of a very valuable community resource.

So what can be done to help TCC, TEEA and TTT? First, we can all recognize and express our appreciation for those in our respective communities who provide much needed services and roles, and be sure to let them know we appreciate them.  But more importantly, these folks can do some things for themselves:

  1. Recognize when a hobby has become a potential business – There is no bright line rule, but if you find your participation in community or education events taking up quite a bit of your time, step back and assess whether there might not be a way to turn it into a business. Things that were once fun but now seem to take up a lot of your time can certainly become fun again if you find a way to make some money at it. And it’s not taking advantage of your community to ask to be compensated for valuable work or services you provide.
  1. 2.      Don’t be afraid to ask for payment, or if you are, let someone else do the asking. – The easiest way to ask for payment is to talk about it BEFORE you being the work or services. But how to broach this subject? I’ve found that it makes things a lot easier for my clients if they have a simple term sheet or contract to present to someone at the first mention of a potential piece of work or presentation. Letting people know what your rates are for particular types of work can separate things you want to spend your time on from things that will simply frustrate you down the line.
  1. 3.      Don’t be afraid to say “No” to certain things so you can say “Yes” to others – This is another way to say “separate the wheat from the chaff.” When we are first starting out in any profession we want as much experience and work as we can find. But make sure it’s QUALITY work, and don’t be afraid to say no if the situation doesn’t seem right, can’t meet the rates you’ve established, etc. This will free up your time to work on getting other gigs or customers, while also keeping you fresh for when those come along!
  1. 4.      Self-Promote – If they can’t find you, they can’t hire you. If you’ve decided to take a hobby or interest and turn it into a business or side work, you have to let people know. The more professional you present yourself and your work, the more people will respond professionally. So don’t be afraid to create a website, reserve your business or working name on social networking sites and get to promoting. Don’t be afraid to list your rates either…this just helps sort out that wheat/chaff problem before it even gets to you.

  2 Responses to “The Last Taboo”

  1. Brilliant article Sexsquire! After attending AASECT a few weeks ago I was surprised to find that many of the therapists & sex educators didn’t know how to actually monetize their passion, and many of them seemed to feel guilty that they’d even THINK about trying to make money. A good value exchange is something no one should be ashamed of.

  2. I loved this article. This is something I’ve been struggling a lot with recently. I organize events and teach, but rarely (if ever) get paid for my work. To add to my frustration, I can’t seem to find a way to talk about or promote my kinky skill set in a way that increases my employability or market value outside the kink arena either.