I always find it difficult to explain our dynamic. I am a willing slave. I gave M complete ownership of me. And yet, saying that doesn’t tell you much. For a person can own someone completely, but choose not to take complete control. And unless you’ve been exposed to kink on some level, the images that come to mind when one mentions slavery are not pretty.
One of the most difficult aspects for even some kinky people to understand is that I am his slave first, and his wife second in most things. For us, the line is often blurred. It’s hard to tell where one stops and the other begins. There isn’t much to the two roles that is different, as far as we’re concerned. The main difference, really, is love.
From our perspective, love isn’t a necessity in an owner/property relationship, like it is a marriage, and often has no bearing on his interactions with me that require separating the wife from the slave. That it exists within the confines of our owner/property relationship is a testament only to how our relationship works, and not how things should be.
We do love each other. Very much.
Because M loves me, he wants me to be happy. But only if he is.
I mean, think about it. Do you tip your waitress if she’s pissy, lazy, and disinterested? If the cab driver took the long way, thus upping your fare by $2, and he was a jerk the whole way, you’re certainly not going to tip him. The paper boy who always puts the paper under your sprinkler won’t be getting anything more than the price of the subscription. The stylist won’t get paid at all, much less get a tip, if your hair isn’t picture perfect when you walk out the salon.
Why should an owner worry about his human property’s happiness if his property isn’t living up to her potential?
In that respect, we are so many things to each other. Our relationship often very much resembles one of a parent and a child, or a student and a teacher. M spends a lot of time teaching me his perception of society, while allowing me my own. I can believe pretty much whatever I want, so long as it doesn’t jibe with his training, or my service. Because our core beliefs regarding our relationship are the same, nothing else I believe matters, much.
I used to think that wasn’t true. I used to think that if we didn’t agree on things, our relationship would fall apart. I used to think that thinking M is wrong about something would shatter the foundation of his ownership. In my mind. Because really, that’s the only place his ownership exists. Our minds. We both know that legally, he can’t own me.
But people disagree. Everyone’s different, has different experiences, reacts to things differently. And it’s really not necessary to believe everything your partner believes, in any walk of life. You can still idolize someone when they’re wrong. I do. Especially when they can admit when they’re wrong.
A major part of being married and being in an owner/property relationship, I think, is learning from each other. A friend once said to me, ”Eventually, one of you is going to grow. And if the other can’t, or won’t, there will be a problem.”
I thought she was just being a bitch. We always shoot the messenger when we think we hear something that isn’t said. But over the past year, I’ve begun to see what she was talking about. There are ways that M and I have changed, separately and together. Vast shifts in our views on life, politics and the way of the world. Wants, needs and personality changes that could have put serious strain on our relationship if either of us had gone in a different direction.
We’ve slipped into this sort of autopilot. Not the monotonous kind that can kill even the strongest of relationships. But the good kind, where he rarely has to discipline me, and we spend a lot of time doing fun things, like pain play, or cuddling on the Cocoon, or going to some local even that benefits our city, or… something. Just going with the flow. And it feels really good.
He’s pleased with our life, and my behavior. And because of my behavior, he’s learned that he can trust me to think for myself, and still be what I promised him I would. I’m not allowed autonomy, but I am allowed to have thoughts, and feelings, and opinions. I’m happy that he’s pleased, and having someone believe in me has done wonders for my self esteem. And inside the comfort of contentment, we’ve both found a safe place in which to grow. Together.