Jul 152010

by N

When we last left off, I was embarking on a new journey into the burlesque community after dealing with many years of low self-esteem. I had signed up for the class and was anxiously awaiting the day it would come. I was so nervous at first, the other girls in the class knew everyone in the scene when I knew no one because I didn’t even know a scene existed. This already caused me great amount of stress as I felt that I needed to “keep up” with everyone else’s vast knowledge. I didn’t know what to expect.

The class was a series of 4 sessions. Each session brought you closer to performing on stage, culminating the in final class where you made your burlesque debut and participated in a “graduation ceremony”. The classes explored the history of burlesque, and essentially developing your character. I used the name “Agent N as I was obsessed with spies at the time. This was years before I went as “N”.

Although a sense of confidence was coming through on the outside during the classes, I was terrified on the inside. I had no clue what I was doing and really started to fall into the pattern of “picking” apart at myself again. I wanted to be beautiful; I wanted to light up the stage. I didn’t want to fail at trying, even if it was in a class atmosphere.

I developed an act that I called the “Super Spy Of Sexiness”. The song was a remix of the James Bond theme by Moby. I was a vinyl and latex class sex spy wearing very tall boots that went up to my thighs. It was the costume of my dreams complete with a vinyl trench coat that flattered my figure.

As the classes went on, we had a show and tell of sorts where we performed our act. I was VERY nervous about this. I didn’t want to do it and purposefully sat in the back so that I wouldn’t be noticed. Of course that made me one of the first ones to go and I took a deep breath, got in position and performed. The class was very & it gave me a tiny ego boost that I needed to do it for real.

The day of the show I was a complete wreck!!!! I was so afraid of falling & forgetting my routine. The moments crept up closer as each performer went on stage and had an entire crowd cheer them on. Moments before I went on, I thought I was going to pass out but as they called my newly found stage name. I knew my time had come. I went on stage and began to perform, the crowd was cheering and at one point I began to really feel myself getting into it. The final clothing to be removed was my bra and then I went into an all out tassel twirl. As I was peeling off the bra, one of my pasties “popped”. I was horrified. In that flash of “everything is going wrong”, I turned around and with my one pastie, gave the crowd a tassel twirl to remember, complete with nipple and all! It was in that EXACT moment, I didn’t care, in fact I relished it. I figured that if a pastie can pop, then what else could go wrong?

And that is how I learned to stop worrying and love myself, because when everything goes unexpectedly and you make it you own, the world is your oyster. From then on, each and every performance grew stronger and stronger, and my confidence level boosted. Burlesque was the best thing that ever happened to me.