I want my cake…but can I eat it too?

 Posted by on September 22, 2010
Sep 222010

by N

While compiling ideas for the latest segment of “Burlesque And The City”, I had some strong emotions flooding my mind about a past relationship, one from which I am still healing. My heart was broken and I was left standing alone wondering what went wrong. How one minute I could be madly, deeply in love, and the next realize that your lover wants nothing of the sort.

As my career continues to thrive with writing, designing, performing, and running my own business. I started to think (or maybe obsess) about relationships vs. relationships. What I mean by this is the amount of time given to one’s own passion vs. the amount of time given to a relationship with another person. Is it possible to have both and have each one successfully? I wondered if you could truly have it all?

I pondered this on twitter and got a number of responses from several people within several different communities. The answer was a resounding “NO”. The people voiced their opinions and said that it had to be a choice in the end. The best response was from @CherieDAmour who said “I wanna meet that one who has it all, shake her hand, then steal her identity, SingleWhiteFemale-style.”

The more successful women I meet, the more likely they are single. Now maybe this is just my narrow-mindedness NYC style way of thinking, but there seems to be a correlation between choosing a career over choosing a mate. Is this the new form of feminism or are we just scared of independent badass women?

With Burlesque, I seem to scare off more mates than I attract. It’s not new for a hot email encounter on OKCupid to end up in the trash after they find out more about my passions and talents. The most common response is “You Seem Really Busy!” Am I sending out the message that I am too busy for people? I thought the opposite when I created and heavily simplified my profile. What is it about the creative, passionate, females that send prospects back up the hill? Are all we looking for in our lovers is simplicity? Whatever happened to loving the complexities in one another?

I am on the hunt for the perfect duo of love and creativity. It has to exist somewhere. There can’t be all these miserable yet successful people in NYC who aren’t getting laid. Some other red headed dyke who is a burlesque starlet has to be getting the sexual encounter of her lifetime right now as I am typing this. Not just sex, but LOVE. Maybe I’m an old fashioned girl but I want my lover to help carry my props to a gig, or give me sound advice on my performance or to just be there to give me a hug if I don’t hit the right note. This could possibly be my own battle to find nirvana in a world full of pasties and glitter.

Til then, I shall eat some cake…but I don’t know if I can keep it just yet.

  2 Responses to “I want my cake…but can I eat it too?”

  1. Oh, dear, I hear you and can say with a resounding yes! That you can have both a vibrant personal life and a professional life that leaves you feeling satisfied and like you are doing the right thing.

    The truth (little t, in my experience only) is that we tend to sabotage ourselves in hidden ways, usually because we are afraid of something. I can’t help but think that behind your column is a concern that you won’t find a satisfying relationship if you keep up with your current pace. Am I reading into this?

    If I’m not, then I have to ask the next question; how will you make space for love?

    We live in a world that considers relationships disposable. Not working? That’s okay, I’ll go out and get me a new one! Forget the hard work that goes into being loving as opposed to feeling love.

    Maybe it’s just a matter of healing your current wounds, which by the sound of it, are still fresh.

    I admire your emotional honesty here. It’s not easy showing heart scars.

    T.M. Bernard

  2. i too commend you for your emotional honesty.

    i feel as though i’ve caught a lady gaga article where she asserts your fear as a truth- (this is not a broad generalization about her, just something i saw in cosmo) that a job/career/superstardom/performance life won’t wake up one morning and leave you. so, it’s in the atmosphere lately for a variety of reasons/sources…

    i have worried about these relationships (with not-your-SO’s) vs. Relationships things too, in fact, today even! and i don’t mean to be a bummer, but, though i do have a relationship with someone who performs with me, carries my gear, gets stage angst with me, plays the fool/spotlit star with me…i still worry about whether My Art distracts me too much, how i can make sure they don’t feel neglected sometimes. (and of course all the while i’m fiercely devoted to my multimedia arts, not just the craft we share) so, what i’m saying is, you can bum yourself out with imagined scenarios even when you’re in someone else’s “is it possible?” so, i say – assume what you want ideally is possible, and try like hell to make it so. what else are we supposed to do in this life? so long as everyone involved feels Loved well, i say assume you deserve the moon. that’s my few cents /hippy comment away!