One of the most amazing things about being in a strong, poly community is having other couples that are dealing with the same relationship issues you are. I don’t just write for Fearless Press; I read their wide array of articles when I am struggling somewhere in my poly relationship. Sarah Sloane is not only a writer and pioneer in the poly community but someone who my partner and I have spent some great times with. When I saw her most recent advice in her last post “Complicated Polyamory”, my heart almost stopped. My partner and I are going through a similar situation as advice seeker “SaD-FAMILY”.
During a break-up with V, I dated a woman who I still have significant feelings for. This woman and I had a rocky past but recently began seeing each other on a casual basis to begin to work through some of our past heart aches. I’ve been seeing her for the past few months and it is causing some tension between V and I. My partner is not too fond of this other woman for some valid reasons but I still have feelings for her. This has been hard for me to talk about, so reluctantly, I read Sarah Sloane’s article.
One piece of advice that really stood out to me was that we are only responsible for our own actions. I realized that it is my job to be responsible for how I act on my feelings. I’m also responsible for listening to my partners wants, needs and conformability and making decisions about my actions based on my commitment to her. In the past few months, there have been moments I have not been responsible. I didn’t come home when I said I would, I lost communication, I did something that I said I would not do. These actions broke agreements my partner and I made. Seeing the look on V’s face when I don’t honor my word hurts my heart. It’s her big puppy dog eyes and her pouty lips that tell me I have hurt her feelings. I get the impact and remember I have to honor my word for myself and for V.
Another piece of advice that struck me was setting my own limits and writing them down. Something I struggle with is setting my own boundaries and remembering what I am committed to having in my relationship with my partners. If what I want does not align with the person I have feelings for, its time for me to re-evaluate that relationship and see if putting time and effort into is helping or hurting me. Writing these limits down is a reminder of my boundaries when I get caught up in the emotions.
Poly relationships, emotions, creating boundaries, and responsibility can all be scary things to talk about. My advice to anyone who is starting a polyamorous relationship is to find a good community of people who really care about their relationships and are willing to share their poly struggles with you. I’m leaving this article confronted but ready to face my relationship head on because of my fierce love for my partner and my expanding love for myself.
Thanks Sarah Sloane
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