By Jay Morgan
As humans, we possess a complex set of emotions, unique to each of us and our environment. Sometimes we are not always in the mood for being a sadistic top, loving bottom, or stern taskmaster. Emotional involvement, financial obligations, kids, exes, and career aspirations all become the monkey wrench in our intimate, kinky lives. Stress causes us to react to emotions instead of acting on them rationally. A coworker, traffic, or things happening unexpectedly, can cause all sorts of unwanted emotions that cloud our judgement. This emotional hurricane can wreck all sorts of havoc on a kinky relationship.
We are repeatedly being beat upon by the flogger of life, and it can take its toll on the libido. As so many young delta musicians sang “I got them blues today”
We each have our own unique way of dealing with adversity; Some drink to forget, some obsess over work, some point fingers of blame. Perhaps some might even manipulate their partner coercively, withholding sex to force their partner to give them what they want.
A relationship without the extra layer of kink added is complicated enough for couples in this situation. Decisions have to be made, compromises have to be hammered out; at times it seems relationships take as much negotiation as it does to get a bill through Congress.
Sometimes we have to hang up our hang-ups to deal with life.
Kink is a very giving activity. It may seem superficially that it is entirely self-centered or narcissistic, but it takes two, or more. It takes the willingness to give of yourself to fulfill someone else’s needful desire. The experience can easily take a detour into drama country if a partners feelings are insulted, or their focus is elsewhere.
Giving requires acceptance. In a top/bottom dynamic there is an expectation of fulfillment. The top provides direction, structure, and encouragement, and the bottom fulfills their desire to please. They utilize the structure created to please themselves, as well as their partner.
That is where things become a bit tricky. Being selfless enough to get out of your own head and enjoy what your partner is giving can seem difficult to impossible depending on your stress level or degree of distraction. It may not start out the way you imagined, but it ends up being an energizing experience. There are times when being selfless requires letting go, giving the person space, or providing a distraction from whatever current turmoil might be happening.
Being kinky, or feeling the need to be kinky, can be overwhelming at times. Once you and your partner have tasted the ecstatic, erotic delights of say, predicament bondage, you may feel that “regular” sex is dull. Putting pressure on the relationship to attain some superhuman-like kinky quality is asking a bit much of the average person.
We choose how to act on the emotions that batter us. We can chose a more positive course of action, instead of just RE-acting to the negative emotions. When partners are not forthcoming with each other, or choose to focus on the negative ‘what if’ scenarios, then the kink will sour and the relationship will fail. Regardless of anyones recreational proclivities, focusing on imagined or perceived injuries will only smother the other person.
A balance has to be found when we commit our lives to any individual. Balancing time, interest, and commitment takes work. Effort is required in any successful endeavor. Relationships are no different.