“Let me show you how strong you are.”
This comes from Sara every time we prepare for a play event and every time, I’m intrigued, frightened and nervous for the play that is yet to come. We’ve both been looking at going deeper with our sex and our play through sensations of both pleasure and pain. In playing with those sensations, we hope to both tap into forbidden emotions and to gain a profound sense of trust for one another. What scares me the most about “going deeper” is trusting Sara completely with my mind and my body, even if I am not certain of what lies ahead. I love being submissive to Sara but I’m always nervous about giving myself over fully and being vulnerable enough to let her take me to a frightening, unfamiliar place. Most of all, I never think I can really take as much pain as she thinks I can.
So when she said this lovely phrase as we were packing for Dark Odyssey’s Fusion, I finally asked her what she meant. She told me that she had grown tired of trying to convince me of my strength, beauty and courage and instead wanted to show me how strong I was…by beating me until I cried. When a sadistic smile was her response to my blank stare, it was then I knew she was serious. In that moment I had a choice: should I play it safe and stay with what’s familiar or should I trust my partner to take me to a scary place with the intention of showing me something greater than myself? I took a deep breath, put my fear in a safe place and told her I was willing to try.
Flash forward to our third night of Fusion in the dungeon: I’m still scared but find comfort in Sara’s words and occasional forehead kisses. My mind was racing wondering what Sara had in store for me but I reminded myself to trust, to let go and to allow myself to experience what Sara has been trying to convince me of for so long. I took Sara’s hand and let her lead me to a spot in the dungeon. We found a cross, set up shop and started to play. We started with some impact play and advanced to heavy punching. Every time Sara pounded her fist to my chest, I felt a release followed by a loud moan. Weeks of anxiety, uncertainty and worry came out of me with each sound and soon I wanted her to punch me harder and harder. I wanted to scream and cry. I actually wanted to feel intense pain and wanted my bruises to be proof. I wanted to trust my partner to be the one to leave the evidence.
It wasn’t until half an hour in when I finally broke down and cried. Sara wrapped me in her arms and rocked me until I stopped. She checked out her work, poking at newly forming bruises and marveling my ability to take the pain. Not only had I proven my own strength to myself but my willingness to “go deeper” in our play awarded Sara with elevated confidence as a top. My body was her trophy and I was happy to wear the bruises created by my lover.
“See, I told you. You’re much stronger then you think,” she said. And as my body continues to stockpile bruises and scars administered by her hands, I can’t help but agree with her.