When you leave the scene, it doesn’t leave you.
I’ve lost count of the number of times a guy I’ve been involved with who at some point decided to leave the scene, only to come back in six months with a sob story and apology. My usual response is to send him straight to a munch, ask him to hang out with some kinky people, and make some friends. The last thing a guy like that needs at a weak point is to jump back into a kinky one on one relationship. They need a support system and something to fall back on, bounce things off of. Building these connections creates context for the kink. More often than not, those that take the social prescription end up gaining some great experiences. They usually don’t bolt that hard again and seem happier for it. Because of that experience on my part, I wanted to share a few points with new folks who get frustrated, angry, fed up, and run for the vanilla hills while shaking their leather clad fist at the sky. It is my hope that this might reduce the number of abandoned toy bags and give hope to the frustrated kinksters out there.
Step One: Leave your family’s baggage at their place
The number one reason I’ve seen people run from their kink has been the fear of what someone else would think. Whether it’s their religious mother or nosey brother, family can get too curious. Things have changed a bit. We’re not likely to be burned at the stake or tarred and feathered, but the idea of our parents finding out what we do is still scary. If your folks have baggage, let them carry it! Leave it at the door and realize that if you’re ready to make the leap into the kinky world, you’re doing it for you, not them. Articulate to yourself that it’s ok to be kinky, and you have a right to pursue your happiness without sharing the gory details. Remember, vanilla people don’t talk about their sex lives with their parents either. It’s personal! Keep it that way!
Step Two: You took the plunge, but are you in the right pool?
Not everyone in the fetish scene in your area is going to be just like you. You’ll encounter male Dom & fem sub couples, gay men, butch dykes, babygirls and crossdressers, foot fetishists and leather wearing bikers. You’ll meet liberals and conservatives, Christians, pagans, atheists and more. They aren’t all going to agree with you, share your fetish, or want to help you explore your kink. That’s life, but don’t get mad at them for not being what you want. Be patient, and when you find people who are like you, make friends. The connections you make over time may surprise you, just don’t expect the process to be plug and play.
Step Three: Do non kinky stuff with kinky people
It’s ok to get to know someone without the intention of beating them, tying them up, or sleeping with them. Human relationships are multidimensional. They involve social time as well as sexy play. Go bowling, have a beer, watch a game. Whatever interests you, go do these things. Why: Because while you’re on the hunt for your new rope bunny or FemDom, you need the social support of friends. If you don’t get that support with kinky people, you’ll need to get it somewhere else. Deny yourself that context and you may end up feeling the whole process is lonely, empty and frustrating. Some of the subs I’ve known have bolted at that point, trying to find a white picket fence relationship to fix it all. When the kink need resurfaces, that vanilla relationship suffers a tragic death, often leaving the vanilla partner confused and dumped. Then the kinky partner starts all over again by reentering the fetish world. If you’re getting fed up like this, figure out who your kinky friends are and make some social time happen. You might be surprised how reenergized you feel.
Wrap it all together and…
The good news is, once you spend some time in the generalized scene, you will find some folks into your fetish. Just give it time. Throwing up your hands in frustration, publicly declaring you’re done with the posers and stomping offline won’t fix the problem. The attempts at vanilla relationships as a way to ‘fix’ your frustrations can lead to unfulfilled needs and unnecessary romantic friction. I look at these like rebound relationships. In six months if the desire to return comes back, those declarations and stomping feet will feel pretty silly. Take time for yourself when you need it, not after you’ve blown a gasket.
If you’ve already left the scene behind a couple of times, you know what I’m talking about. These feelings are all pretty natural and normal, but the trick is finding a balance between the different parts of your life. A kinky man cannot live on kink alone, nor will the white picket fence sustain him. And remember, nothing ruins communication quality like the internet, so get out into the world and be social!