Aug 022013

istock_000006300779xsmall-3892039DD/lg First Steps: BDSM Scene Negotiation Checklist, by Daddy Vinnie

The stars have aligned, the sun shines brightly, joy and happiness are on the lips of all your friends and family, something tingles from the top of your head to the tips of your toes.   You’ve met a “Little,” someone with that innocent, tender mix of childlike wonder and naughty sexual curiosity (even though not all “Littles” are sexually curious nor are they all innocent). Even so, she is someone you feel can be a significant presence in your life.  Now what?  You don’t want to scare this vulnerable soul, yet you also don’t want to tiptoe around her.  A Daddy’s appetites can be quite voracious.  Time for that next step – preparing for a BDSM play session.

Unlike vanilla dating, where getting to know someone happens more organically over time, the kinky world has an unofficial instrument for how to take those next steps from coffee to naked fun. Enter the BDSM Scene Negotiation Checklist.

Most Daddy Dom/little girl relationships conform to the essence of a Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship. The Daddy is the Dominant in charge of his submissive “Little.” The “Little” is a dependent; the Daddy, a caregiver.  As such, most D/s protocol can transfer to a DD/lg relationship.  Even though some DD/lg relationships do not engage in BDSM play, a great many do.  For those who do enjoy the kinky arts, you will want to negotiate your play.

The whole point of a BDSM Scene Negotiation Checklist is to indicate to your partner your hard and soft limits for consensual behavior and play.  You obviously don’t want to engage in restrictive bondage with a partner if she absolutely hates feeling confined and immobile.  You also want to be aware of any limitations or medical issues that affect your partner in case an emergency should arise during a scene, just as you would want to know if your vanilla date is allergic to specific foods.  Nothing ruins a date more than a trip to the emergency room.

A BDSM Scene Negotiation Checklist can be used for a once-only play session or may govern a long-term relationship.  People’s tastes change and grow with experience. I like my Lolita to fill out the Checklist every three or four months to update it and offer a chance to review acceptable and non-acceptable play.

A BDSM Scene Negotiation Checklist or Questionnaire has several basic parts:

  • Your role
  • Your current health and medical history, including medicines you take
  • Your emergency contact information
  • Your limits (locations, # of partners, etc.)
  • Your likes and dislikes for certain actions
  • Written confirmation of your safe words.

This is the minimum amount of information you should trade with your partner. There are many different kinds of BDSM Scene Negotiation checklists, available in general BDSM books and on the web. Find the one that fits you best, and don’t be afraid to modify it to fit your relationship and purpose. The best scene negotiation checklist is the one you will use.

Most checklists will provide a listing of an activity (paddling, spanking, etc.) along with a scale by which to indicate how much you like or don’t like an activity, or whether you even have experience with that activity.  A typical scale is from NO (a hard limit), and Zero to 5, with Zero meaning “I don’t like this but I’ll do it for you” to 5, meaning, “My life isn’t complete unless I get this activity as often as I breathe!”

In most situations, the submissive fills out the BDSM Scene Negotiation checklist. But both the Dominant AND submissive can fill it out. Dominants have limits too. And a submissive has the responsibility to know the likes and dislikes of her partner as well.  DD/lg and D/s is a dance of two (or more if you are poly). Even though the Dominant directs the actions during the scene, outside of the scene there is an equality from which this negotiation stems. Both Dominants and submissives have desires and needs that their scene will fulfill. The scene negotiation helps you to see if you are compatible (or not) and what is acceptable (or not) to both people.

Knowledge is a powerful tool. Knowing your partner’s pervy desires and limitations will help you create a pleasurable first scene that could lead to others. So as you embark on a DD/lg relationship, remember to take baby steps.  Have a first scene and see about that first kiss . . . from Daddy’s whip.


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So You Finally Found the Daddy of Your Dreams, Now What? By Lolita Hayes


Of course you’ve taken the time to get to know this new person in such a wonderful dynamic: Likes, dislikes, their Daddy side, what they know and love about the Daddy Dom/little girl relationship, their BDSM likes and dislikes, limits, expectations, desires, the list goes on and on. But once all the celebration confetti settles to the ground, what are some things you need to do for yourself and your new relationship as a little?

1. Be 100% honest: There is a reason this is the number one thing on the list too. If you feel like you might be dumbing down some of your dislikes or limits as a Little in order to prevent “losing” your partner, then you need to change your way of thinking. The most important thing you can do for your new dynamic is to be open and honest every step of the way. If you have limits, make them clearly known. You wouldn’t want to give off an impression of who you are that is clouded, so being very clear and honest with your partner is truly vital to a solid foundation for a DD/lg dynamic.

2. Be ready to have some bumps in the road: It might seem that you two are so perfect for each other that there will never be disagreements or even fights. Don’t be so sure. Everyone is a unique individual, and that means different opinions, thoughts, and actions that might not work out within a relationship without some “bumps,” and that’s okay. The key is to allow yourself and your Little side to understand that these bumps are going to happen and that your bond is strong enough to make it through to the other side. You will gain a better understanding of yourself and your relationship with each “bump.”

3. Share and Listen: Communication is a priority in any relationship. Sometimes you need to share and be heard, and sometimes you need to sit back and really allow yourself to listen and understand. Communication within relationships, especially DD/lg dynamics, helps you grow and learn from and about each other along the way. There is never going be a reason you shouldn’t be able to speak and listen to your partner.

4. Let your Little out slowly: I know that overwhelming feeling of excitement when you find a Daddy, and I know how hard it is not to immediately let your Little side out all at once. This isn’t to say it’s a bad thing to do; however, in order to prevent being overwhelmed or too vulnerable, allow your Little to come out naturally and slowly, at the same pace that the dynamic grows.

5. Allow your dynamic to develop, change, and grow: There is no one set way that any dynamic should be. Your Daddy/little relationship is a precious one, one that will blossom slowly over time, and you just might be surprised by how differently your once “dream ideals” of DD/lg will mold into something so much better with your new partner.

This is a magical time for any Little, finally finding the caregiver of your dreams. Don’t rush. Sit back and enjoy this amazing ride together. Remember to be honest, remember there will be some bumps along the way and that it’s okay, remember to share and listen, remember to let your Little and your whole dynamic grow. This is a path you travel together that will be etched in your heart forever.

Congratulations on starting one of the most amazing experiences you’ll ever have as a Little!