Recently, my partner V and I have been celebrating our poly firsts. I had my first play date without her at Dark Odyssey Winter Fire and V has been traveling for the first time on her own which we have been calling “independent girl time.” We are both beginning to attend new events and parties that help us further explore various sexual practices and having sex with amazing hot individuals. Every day, we pat ourselves on the back for all the hard work we’ve done to get to this place in our poly relationship.
But one thing we are still struggling with as a couple is attracting other poly woman. When we approach women as a couple, we often get reactions of intrigue and curiosity. Apparently, it’s not common for a hot bigger bodied black female couple to try to pick up women. Go figure?! So once a woman gets past the fact that we are hitting on them, a flood a nervous quiet energy often follows. Our attempts to attract have usually ended up sort of fruitless because the woman we speak to get too shy to give us a clear answer about whether or not they are interested in playing together. V and I always leave these situations a little confused, thinking maybe we were too pushy or too direct or maybe even too sleazy (though V seems to enjoy her sleaze…and, well so do I!). When we do get the point that sex will ensue, woman tend to tell us that their sudden shyness comes from being intimidated. After hearing this, I was a little confused. V and I are barely five feet tall and are usually a giggly goofy mess. How could we possibly be intimidating?
So, without any idea as to why this kept happening, I asked a close friend what it is about V and I that turned women so shy. She tells me we have the perfect poly relationship and that for some, it can be overwhelming. Now I was really confused. What’s wrong with having a solid poly relationship? And why is it so difficult for woman to be with our hot poly energy?
To be quite honest, V and I are far from the perfect poly relationship. We are always struggling with something: spending enough time together, being in clear communication and checking in with each other when it’s hard to say what there is to say. This stuff isn’t easy but we are committed to something. We are committed to staying loyal to each other while exploring emotional, physical, and spiritual connects with others. In fact, I don’t even think there is a perfect poly relationship. Polyamorous relationships are defined by individuals alongside the people they choose to share themselves with. So there is no perfect image, just what works best for all parties involved.
As for being intimidated, I can’t help but make this a societal conversation. Society continues to push women to the margins by re-enforcing the belief that we cannot be openly sexual or aggressively pursue the people we desire. A “good woman” is receptive to attention, well behaved, shy and slightly submissive. Now I’ll admit I have some of these qualities but I use these qualities to empower myself to have what I want in my relationships. Sometimes I wish other women would do the same! Okay, that sounded kind of cocky.
So here’s the point: ladies, it’s okay to communicate your anxiety about being openly hit on by a poly couple. Take this on as an opportunity to experience your sexuality with a set of safe, fun woman who only want you express what is true for you. And, feel free to say no if you’re unsure. Being in communication is the only way V and I will know if we are over stepping our bonds or laying it on to thick. So talk to us and no matter what the outcome, you will not be disappointed!