The Evolution of a Kinky Relationship
There comes a time in a long term kinky relationship when a couple’s hard limits begin to change. After being with my partner for as long as I have, I’ve started to realize that we’ve tried a lot: impact and sensation play, bondage, humiliation, rope, public sex, group sex and almost every sex toy in our local sex shop. As we continue to dapple in a little bit of everything my hard limits list is becoming smaller and smaller.
Two years ago, Sara and I were new to the BDSM scene, two round brown girls wondering around in what was then Dark Odyssey’s Leather Retreat. Wide eyed and bushy tailed, we were excited by witnessing the mixture of pain and pleasure. Being complete perverts and voyeurs, were more than willing to watch people being pierced or stapled but were not willing to try it ourselves. I was fascinated and dumb founded by the idea of blood play, mostly because it kinda turned me on. I remember the first time I saw needle work done in a dungeon. I admired the love and care that went into each placement of the needle and enjoyed watching the receiver’s ability to process and enjoy pain. I kept thinking that I would never be strong or brave enough to put up with pain enough to enjoy it so I admired those who tried and kept a safe distance, hoping that Sara would never breech the subject of playing with sharp objects.
Little did I know that while I was going through my “not brave enough” phase, Sara was becoming more of a sadist every time she attended a new play event without me. She would come home with a story about something new she tried and pitch the idea to me. She’d tell me about trying out stun guns, experimenting with electrical play, co-topping with a lover in a ravishment scene and the list goes one. On her return from a trip to Kink Fest in Portland, she was suddenly interested in giving and receiving staples. I sat a little weary at all these tales because I knew that Sara was ready to engage in play that we never had before, play that I considered too intense, scary and unfamiliar. Sara reassured me that though these were all things she was acquiring an interest for there was no pressure to try. Even so she asked me to be open minded and willing to explore new hot things in our relationship.
So we talked and talked and talked. The foundation of our relationship has always been our ability to communicate our thoughts, feelings and concerns and this was one of those important times for me to speak up. I started to realize how brave I have been being in my day to day life. I’ve been trying on things and being strong in a ways I never thought I could be. I rekindled the relationship between my mother after being out of communication with her for a year, I’ve been pushing for a permanent position at my job, I’m sending my poetry and non-fiction work for publication and developing amazing service skills earning my leathers by being Sara’s handler during her International Ms Leather Title year. All these achievements were not easy. In fact I experienced being scared and uncomfortable all the time. Those unfamiliar feelings were an indication of progress and growth. I’m proud of who I am becoming as a result of trying new things: a strong, fierce brown woman. My own myth about not being brave enough or strong enough was complete fabrication and the minute I realized that, the more willing and intrigued I was by the idea of staples, blood and intense sensations of pain.
This year at Queer Play Con, I tried staples for the first time. Sara and I enlisted the help of a friend to administer surgical staples from a small hand sized staple gun. Still feeling a little scared, I asked Sara to receive some staples with me. I watched her as each staple poked her skin one by one. She didn’t complain of any serious pain but a light pinch when the staple fully pierced her skin. After I witnessed her staple session, I wasn’t so nervous for my turn, just excited that we were experiencing it together. When my turn came, I took each staple like a champ. It wasn’t so bad after all. The quick sharp pain was followed by a great endorphin rush that made me feel light and loopy (which of course made Sara smile and giggle!). The body is designed to process pain and when I started to understand that fact, I really began to enjoy the session. I took 18 staples on my first time in the shape of a cross, as it was the Saturday of the supposed religious Rapture. I didn’t get raptured (clearly!) but I had certainly floated off somewhere by the end of the night!
For those brave souls out there reading, I encourage you and your partners to try something new particularly if it is something you are curious about. As I talk to more people in the BDSM scene, I’m learning that my friends who are seasoned players also had a lengthy hard limit list when they began their journey’s in this delightful under world. But as they were exposed to more types of play, they discovered they actually enjoyed what they always assumed they would not. You really never know if you like something if you don’t try it. You’ll never be able to experience the possibility of more kinky fun and pleasure if you convince yourself that there is some inherent quality that keeps you from branching out from what is comfortable and familiar. The cool thing about trying something new is you never have to try it again if you don’t want to. And if you do like it, the possibilities are endless.
So stay kinky, brave and try new things ‘cause you never know who you might become.