Who is a sex worker?

 Posted by on July 27, 2012
Jul 272012
 

Language is something that is constantly fascinating to me. The way we use it, the way it shapes us, the way we can choose to shape it. Language is particularly fascinating when it comes to “sex work”.

The term sex worker can be polarizing, both within the sex work community and outside of it. There are many individuals who operate as a sex worker at least how mainstream society would classify it , whether they chose the term for themselves or not. It’s a broad term used to describe a varied and incredibly misunderstood industry.

I claim the term sex-worker, although I have never had physical intercourse for money. I have been a stripper, a phone-sex operator, a Professional Dominatrix and a BDSM educator. All of these experiences have shaped my view of the world and the way I interact with it. For me, what started off as a fun (ie taboo) and profitable job has now become a career, a lifestyle and a calling. As my focus shifts more completely to BDSM education I feel strongly about never severing my ties to the “sex worker” portion of my identity and my life experience.

I know many women who work in this field but fiercely hate the term, especially Pro Dommes, most of whom don’t have any traditionally sexual interaction with their clients. They tend to give a rather stern look or lecture.  Every single person as the right to assert their own identity over others labels of them.

So now I pose some questions to you, fair reader.

Do you identify as a sex worker? Why?

Are there particular jobs that “should” be classified as sex work?

What do you think “sex work” is?

 

 

Introduction to Fearless Parenting

 Posted by on July 25, 2012
Jul 252012
 

Social support networks are crucial for both parents and sexual minority groups. In the studies I’ve created and contributed to, over and over, we can see the detrimental effects of isolation and invisibility. We, as hyper-social beings, need to see ourselves reflected in the actions of others. We need that reverb to let us know we’re doing okay. Which is why it is so painful to be told that being who you are is wrong.  The power of shame is very effective in manipulating our behaviors. Sex-negativity is rampant in our society on so many levels because it works to keep people in line. It keeps us quiet and dependent and ashamed. Which is why parenting can be so absolutely terrifying; there are so many conflicting messages on how to be a ‘good’ parent.

Being a parent is scary sometimes. Being a parent with an alternative sexuality can be down right terrifying. That’s what I’ve learned in the twelve years I’ve been a parent, the five years that I’ve identified as Queer and the two years that I researched Human Sexuality in graduate school.  And it all happened in that order. The children came first, the realization of my sexual identity came second and the Social Scientist came third

I’ve seen people work through layers and layers of sexualized oppression- people who have come out as LGBTQ, or kinky or gender-fluid with support from a larger community but then they become parents and slowly lose touch. This does not need to be an either/or dichotomy, because we are not either/or dichotomous beings. We are parents, we love our kids, we care for them and prioritize them and keep them safe from harm AND we have a sexual identity.

As Kinky or Queer or Poly parents, just for examples, we’re balancing a whole batch of socially acceptable stigmas. Anyone who exists outside the constructed parental paradigm of the mainstream (ie: hetero, married, white, sexually conservative, middle-class) is starving for an image of themselves parenting  and stories of other parents doing more than just a one time talk about sex with their teenage kids

I don’t see an over abundance of support for, nor recognition of, parents like me.  So I’m using my combination of my real world parenting experience and formal training in Sexuality Studies to create a space for us. You and I can have nothing else in common- not age, not gender, not race, not sexual orientation but if we hit that same intersection as being a parent with an alternative sexuality, then we have a lot to learn from each other

How do we raise children who are not bigots when we live in such a bigoted society? How do we raise children to be sexually aware? What does a sexually literate young adult look like? How do we introduce our lived experiences of gender and sexuality when those experiences don’t appear on T

My experiences as both a parent and a sexuality researcher have led me to this conclusion: start with a firm foundation that consent is the basis for all sexual activity no matter what. This can be an age-appropriate message at every stage of development.  From there you can go in so many directions to teach children about safety, pleasure, growth, reproduction, social expectations and gender roles. But that is what I’m here for!

From this post on, every month I’ll be here to answer your questions about how to be a Fearless Parent. Send me your parenting questions, challenges and observations, post replies to the articles and let’s get the conversation going! Topics can include finding age-appropriate sex ed materials, time management tips for scheduling play-dates and “play-dates”,  examples of alternative family structures, how to deal with extended family members or your kids’ friends’ parents. All of that is on the table. I will do the research and also provide you with my insight.

Porcelain Figures with a Twist

 Posted by on July 23, 2012
Jul 232012
 

One thing I vividly remember from my youth is the fervor with which my mother collected Lladró…and I just didn’t get it. I wasn’t the sort that liked dolls and dress-up (though I do now), so I could not understand what it was about these porcelain sculptures that she liked so enjoyed. If my mother was the sort to collect Chris Antemann’s work, I might have eventually come to some understanding.

Chris Anteman is a sculptor who is devoted to porcelain.  Trust me: these aren’t your mother’s and your grandmother’s porcelain figurines.  The artist, who says her “primary focus is liberating the figurine from its roots in mass-production,” creates highly detailed scenes of history, decadence and debauchery.

Antemann does an excellent job describing her work and process. I find this delightful, as I’ve encountered many skillful and interesting artists who have difficulty articulating what they do. On her website, she describes her current pursuits as “expanding upon my previous parodies of decorative figurines by delving into the darker side of relationships and domestic rites: twisted tales of master and servant, the innocence of the floral-clad maid, the dominance of patriarchal desire. Tricked out in frilly camouflage, these characters disregard tradition, exposing society’s cistern of unmentionables.”

These works have direct and indirect allusions to the 18th century, the period in which porcelain first came into popularity. Antemann is concept driven, and all the works originate with some initial inspiration—a painting, a life event, a moment in history. From there, she hand-builds and slip casts the figures and sets; assembles the various elements; fires the final piece; and adds self-created decals and paints in all the gorgeous detail on radiant white glaze.

Porcelain is unmistakable. It has worked its way into our cultural conscious. We all know that shiny white, and can probably think of someone in our lives who collects figurines. To some extent, this work relies on that collective consciousness. The artist is thoroughly invested in this material: its history, what it symbolizes, and how to turn all those allusions upsides-down.

I also love that these works tell stories. A dinner party erupts joyously as a woman turns into the centerpiece. A woman sits on a bed covered in porcelain flowers, her legs are spread and she gives us a lascivious glance.  In another, a girl coyly peeks around a tall boy at a couple thoroughly engaged on the other side; we know her secret and we’ll keep it safe.

It’s important to recognize the comedic quality of these works. Antemann clearly has a sense of humor, and I hope many share it.  This art is emphatically fun and thoughtful.   Indeed, in my home, we’ve been referring to these pieces as “slutty Lladrós”

While Antemann’s work depicts an earlier age than those commonly depicted by Lladró, I like to think back to my mother’s collection. It thrills me to imagine the expressions all those Spanish figures might wear if one of Antemann’s one-of-a-kind pieces took center stage in the china cabinet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Flawless Face Through the Fury

 Posted by on July 21, 2012
Jul 212012
 

Glossy fetish models in magazines always look perfect, but anyone who has had experience in a very physical scene understands the reality. Instead of the flawless face, you end up with running mascara, sweaty brow, and smeared lipstick. Working up a sweat can be a rewarding feeling, putting your full effort into connecting with your play partner. Let me give you some tips on keeping a fresh face through the fury.

Your best friend is primer, and there are tons of primers to help you keep your beautiful face budge-free through sweat and tears. I start my face with eye make-up before working on foundation. This allows you to clean up any shadow fallout. The holy grail of eye primers in my opinion, is Urban Decay’s Primer Potion. This primer helps colors to pop and shadow to remain crease, and budge-free for more than 6 hours. Apply a small dot on lids, all the way to the brows and even a little underneath lower lashes. Eyeshadow can be applied like usual as the primer dries fast.

Lashes can be tricky, especially with any sweat or tears. You want to find a mascara that you love that is waterproof, like Revlon’s Grow Luscious Waterproof Mascara. While false lashes might give a beautiful effect, it’s best to skip them to keep from finding a lash stuck to your cheek or dangling on the edge. Liquid and gel liners are your best bet to keep from smearing and resulting more in a raccoon theme.

Once finished with eyes, make sure to start with moisturized skin, then apply a primer like Make Up For Ever’s HD Microperfecting Primer all over. Primer helps to allow foundation to glide on and lengthens the lasting time. There are tons of face primer products that also help reduce the appearance of pores and even skin tone.

Foundation choices depend on what sort of coverage you desire. Though heavy foundation can be less than desirable in an active session. I recommend mineral for light coverage, like Bare Minerals, or a liquid foundation like Clinique’s Perfectly Real. If oiliness is a problem in your everyday make-up, look for a foundation that helps control oil, it will come in handy with sweat as well. When using a liquid foundation a dusting of powder can set the foundation well. Make Up Forever’s HD Microfinish powder evens skin tone and locks foundation.

Blush shouldn’t be necessary, as I hope your cheeks are flushed from torturing the poor soul on the end of your whip. But if you love a more rosy cheeked glow, creme blushes and stains are great choices for long wear. This brings us to the final step, lips. A primer can be used for lips as well, but there are many long lasting lip products. I like lip stains like Revlon’s Just Bitten and Benetint. Lipsticks like MAC’s Pro Longwear Lipcreme are made to lock into place. Longwear lipsticks tend to be drying, so apply over a primer that moisturizes or apply a balm first.

I hope these tips will allow you to keep a fresh face even through a strenuous scene. It is also best to not let them see you sweat, and with the right make-up, they’ll be none the wiser. So torture without worry.

 

Jealousy Management

 Posted by on July 19, 2012
Jul 192012
 

One of the most common questions polyamorous people get from our monogamous friends and family is about jealousy. Don’t we ever experience jealousy? How do we handle the green-eyed monster when we do?

So for the record, yes, poly people do sometimes experience jealousy. I suspect we get jealous about as often as monogamous people do, and over the same things. Embracing a polyamorous lifestyle doesn’t suddenly make you “more evolved” or somehow “above” a “petty” emotion like jealousy. It’s also important to note that jealous and envy, while related, are not the same thing. Envy is wanting something that someone else has. Jealousy is about fear.

Jealousy commonly appears when someone feels threatened, vulnerable, mistreated or insecure in their relationship, or doubts the commitment of their partner for some reason (usually connected to insecurity or perceived or actual mistreatment). But jealousy isn’t actually the problem. It’s the symptom.

The way to address jealousy most effectively is to go after the root cause of it, rather than the emotional reaction. Instead of denial, talk about the jealousy. Figure out where it is coming from, and why you are experiencing it. One of the keys to making a poly relationship work (and this is just as true for monogamous ones) is open and honest communication. That means talking about your hopes and dreams as well as your fears. Whether or not they are realistic or rational.

That last part is particularly important. Irrational fears are much more likely to provoke jealousy. Insecurity and fear of rejection frequently manifest completely out of thin air, with no rational or reasonable basis for existence. Small slights and doubts can quickly become magnified all out of proportion. And human nature drives us to cover up our fears. Embarrassment alone can silence us.

This is not to mean or imply that jealousy is always irrational or invalid. Jealousy, as we said, is a symptom, and it might very well be a symptom of something real and dangerous to the stability of the relationship. Figuring out whether or not it is rational only grows in importance.

If we as individuals can overcome our reluctance to confront unpleasant emotions and feelings like jealousy, like battle is half over. Taking about it will almost inevitably lead to why you are feeling jealous. Is it fear of abandonment? Fear of loss or rejection? Anger or sadness for something? Feelings of inadequacy? Jealousy is a cover for something else, often with a real or rational basis buried deep down. Dealing with it may require facing some deep-seated fears, over a period of months or longer. In the worst cases, counseling or consulting a mental health professional may be required. But understanding that jealousy is common to all relationships, often irrational and not actually the problem that needs addressing is critical to overcoming it.

 

Mentioning Unmentionables Part 2

 Posted by on July 18, 2012
Jul 182012
 

Panties. Bloomers. Thongs. Girdles. Briefs. Knickers. There are many names for the articles that those of the feminine persuasion don under their clothing. Lady’s undergarments have almost always been a thing of legend, from the corsets and bloomers of old to the (frequently sung about) peek-a-boo thong of today. The conversation varies from naughty innuendo to crude locker room talk. A conversation with a young activist led her to share that the word “panty” is something that turns her on, but in a “uncomfortable way.” A useful tool for bedroom conversation of course, and a testament to how stigmatized these functional and frequently fabulous pieces of our wardrobe have become.

Bras of course have a special place in the hearts of many, as both a form of support and of great intrigue. Victoria’s Secret creates a media sensation every year that they’ve aired their runway show, and lobbyists have vied for the permission to show more and more skin to feature the ever fluctuating, frequently disappearing silhouettes that the different styles of brassiere in advertisements and other forms of visual media. One would be hard pressed to find a coming of age teen movie or comedy without a discussion on the great conundrum that is taking someone else’s bra off in a way that will not only be smooth, but let the said support remain removed. Underwire, racerback, plunge, back wing, sports, demi-cup, strapless and words that sound like they’re not related to underthings at all, such as convertible, balconette and built-in. Some people’s swimsuits cover significantly less than what they wear underneath their office wear, much less to bed on Valentines day.

Do you find the wearing of such delicates attractive or simply practical? Briefs and bikini’s still outsell thongs and g-strings and more full coverage options such as boy shorts are making quite the comeback. The “booty short” functions as under or outwear in many a club scene and you see a variety of petticoats and chemises at any event where steam-punk inspired fashion is encouraged. Tank tops and sports bras are regular work-out and/or summer wear, even right next to those in the more traditional layers of clothing.

What is in your drawers? I enjoy feasting my eyes on garter belts and a peek of lace on almost anyone, and there’s something simply delightful about the simplicity of cotton or the whimsy of patterns. Have you ever worn your fanciest lingerie underneath your professional clothes to keep your mind on what’s to come during a busy work day? Have you ever tried on your lover’s underthings just to see how they felt?

Your unmentionables can add a spark or change the mood if you give them the opportunity to do so. Let me encourage you to take a moment to mention them, whether it’s saying the word “panty” until you giggle, caressing a silky bustier or imagining what all of the above might look like hanging in a closet, folded in a drawer or crumpled up in a piles on the way to the bedroom.

“What about me?” The Rights of the Dominant

 Posted by on July 17, 2012
Jul 172012
 

Much has been written about how a Dominant/Top should care for their submissive/bottom during the evolution of a scene.  Concerns over possible abuse, inaccurate techniques and unsafe surroundings have been discussed, lectured and written about to no end.  As the dominant ones, we are told it is our mandatory responsibility, for all our encounters, to follow safety guidelines and after care rules.  Learning how to care for one’s submissive is an excellent goal for all dominants. It will assist them in having a better understanding of what a submissive goes through. An often-ignored area is the dominant’s rights. Yes, we do have them as well as bottoms! It is often viewed by our community that the bottom is the only one at risk when engaging in our lifestyle/play/encounters.  Not until we hear stories of dominants being beaten, raped or abused by their submissives do we realize that dominants are also at risk. Sometimes even more so, as we are supposed to be the caretakers.

Our scenes are often described as a power exchange, with the energy flowing freely back and forth between partners.  One would assume the best encounter would be one of an evenly balanced exchange. Not so. Each interaction differs on what the people involved desire and agree upon. I might engage in heavy energy manipulation where I am giving much more than taking. Therefore would it not seem logical that both involved are affected by the encounter and might need to verify well being in each other. How many times have we witnessed a scene finishing with the submissive being taken down, given water, body conditions brought back to normal stasis and then the domme left to fend? Many scenes can be more emotionally and/or physically taxing for the dominant. At the end of each scene, both parties involved need to assess not only the other’s condition but their own.

The basic tenets of Dominant rights include:

  1. The right to their safety in all encounters.

v  Physical:  The right to be informed of any potential physical dangers they may encounter in playing with you, including STD’s, possibly infectious diseases and recent illnesses a submissive might have. To keep such hidden under the guise that it doesn’t affect the scene is reckless and dishonest. Accidents due happen and it is not ethical to put another in unknown harm’s way.  They have the right to refuse a scene or play partner without repercussions, such as damage to their reputation. All dominants have the right to interpret this aspect for themselves.  One’s comfort is an individual concept.

v  Emotional:  The right to maintain their own space and boundaries. If uncomfortable with a situation, the right to remove themselves from such. There is a common myth that as the “strong one”, the dominant should show little emotion and maintain decorum at all times. All of us are humans with emotions that affect our processes. Dominants have the right to show and express the emotions that are affecting them. This includes anger, sadness and disappointment, keeping in mind the concept of do no harm in mind.

v  Mental:  The right to be informed of any past repressions, mental issues or abuse or possible triggers that may affect the play they initiate with a partner. They also have the right to end a scene or play connection if they feel it has become unhealthy for either person involved.

v  Spiritually:  The right to practice BDSM spiritually if they so desire and to find like-minded play partners. The right to not be judged or criticized for not playing with someone based on this aspect.

 

2.  The right to informed consent.

Dominants have the right to agree or not on participating in a scene based on honest information. They have the right to research all potential play partners as much as needed to become comfortable. This includes inquiring into experience and past relationships. They have the right to refuse gracefully if they feel uncomfortable with a possible scene.

3.  The right to educate themselves.

Pursue knowledge and expand their skills in any area they are interested in. Ask other dommes for assistance if they are uncomfortable with an activity. Admitting that one does not know all is a show of good character. Exercising intelligence will help insure a good and safe scene for all involved.

4.  The right to stop a scene.

You might have witnessed a play scene where the dominant is goaded on by the submissive to give more. As the dominant, we have the right to call a scene if we feel a limit has been reached, fatigue has set in and hindered our accuracy, we are tired or just done.

5.  The right of determination.

Just as a submissive does, a dominant has the right to determine what they desire from a submissive, who may or may not fit those criteria and the right to say No thank you to ones that do not match.  They have the right to determine who to train, what style they enjoy training in and how someone earns their collar. In the aspect of ownership, the dominant also has the right to request a collar be returned.

6.  The right to their own style.

Each of us is unique in our dominance. No one way is better. What works for one does not always work for another. How boring this life would be if we were all the same. The right to not be judged by other dominants or ridiculed because one’s style differs.

7.  The right to be proud of their dominance.

Without crossing over into arrogance, the dominant should enjoy the strength and control they have.  Being dominant does not give the right to be a bitch or jerk. A true enjoyment of one’s nature and role is acceptable. Enjoy the privileges that come from it.

Please remember as a dominant, you do have rights. First and foremost is your right to honesty between yourself and any potential partner. You have the right to interview, inquire and question before, during and after any scene. Get to know your partner before you play with them. Let them see you in action with others. Be honest about who you are, your play style, level of experience and what you have to offer. Misrepresentation of any kind can lead to a disastrous encounter. Use your instincts. If you feel uncomfortable, there is probably a reason.

 

Many of the rights expressed here do apply to both partners in any lifestyle encounter.

 

Broaching the Topic: BDSM

 Posted by on July 16, 2012
Jul 162012
 

istock_000019407823xsmall-300x204-3698787This article is the second of a two-part series about raising the question of BDSM with a potential romantic partner one has met without knowing whether there is a shared interest in BDSM.

So you have met someone and you think you hear opportunity knocking. What do do?

If you are going to raise the topic of BDSM, there are ways to do so more effectively. The safest approach is to test the waters. You can do so by making references to films, videos, or stories that have BDSM elements and see how the partner responds to it. Do you see a twinkle in the eye, or do you see look of disgust?

What if the response is neutral or conveys disinterest? It’s possible the door knock you heard was from another door down the hall. Or there might be hope yet. The disinterest could be because of negative stereotypes or conservative upbringing. Here what matters is whether the person has the type of mind and thinking that could allow one to look past the stereotypes or negative thinking. What does this person think about gay rights? Is this person receptive to new ideas or ways of seeing things? The social circle or events you choose can affect the odds for finding a person with an open mind.

If they show disinterest and do not seem open to questioning what they have been taught by society, I am not optimistic. If they do seem open, one might choose to bring it up explicitly: I like kinky stuff!

There are ways to have this conversation more effectively. You could leap toward that door and kick it open with an emphatic karate kick. But let’s take baby steps towards that door, shall we? Here are expressions that would make Bruce Lee proud:

  • I want to be beaten bloody with whips and chains!
  • I want you to piss on my face and humiliate me!
  • Would you torture and abuse me?
  • I want you to rape me!
  • I want to be your pathetic slave and obey your commands!

 

These words above are more loaded than Dirty Harry’s gun…when it’s loaded that is. Let’s opt for more neutral words and smaller leaps.

  • I enjoy erotic power exchange.
  • I like to mix pleasure with a touch of pain.
  • I like to please and put my partner’s pleasure before my own.
  • I like kink!
  • I like being tied up. I suppose blindfolded also.

 

You are gently telling them the general ballpark of where you are. Be empathetic that these ideas might be new for them but do not be apologetic; do not cast the activities or yourself in negative light. Use positive words: I love doing that! I love how I feel when a partner ties me up! It’s bliss! I think hands and feet are beautiful and I have a soft spot for them! There is nothing wrong with your perspiration–it’s clean to me (versus I want to lick your sweaty feet).

Use words and concepts the everyday person can understand. Use analogies with which they can relate.

For example:

Striking (I said striking versus hitting because it’s less loaded) is not a hostile action in itself. It’s not the action but the intent that defines the action. A rival football players strikes an opponent on the helmet out of frustration and it means one thing. A football player smacks his teammate on the helmet after a big play, and it means another thing. The same is true in BDSM. It is not the act but the intent behind the act that defines it. And in BDSM the intent is positive. It is positive because people like these activities. It is positive because it conveys trust that the act comes from good will, just as it is in the example with the football teammate. It is positive because those into BDSM engage in these activities with people they like. Just as a couple might hold hands to tell each other they like each other, in BDSM people do their thing to tell each other they like each other.

Use humor! I have at times revealed a bit more about myself with humor: Yeah, this whole Mardi Gras ritual of waving beads and asking women to show me their boobs doesn’t call out to me so much. But we’d have a whole different story if they were taking off their shoes and showing their feet!

Use baby steps! Use neutral words! Use examples they can understand! Use humor!

Your partner just might look at you in the eye and say, “Open Sesame, Love.”

But Aren’t Lesbians So Boring?

 Posted by on July 15, 2012
Jul 152012
 

I hate how we, within our communities, works so hard to police, to judge, and to ultimately tear our own communities apart. Heck, who needs the conservatives and the far right to bring us down, when truly, we are already working as small groups to tear us apart from the inside?

Just the other day, I saw someone posting on how to describe the difference between lesbian and queer. Certainly, this is an important differential for many, although too, there are in fact lesbian queers, and queer lesbians (as well as other permutations). However, their answer was not logical, nor was it simple. However, it did boil down to queers being awesome and aware and political, and lesbians, and I quote “are boring.” I ask you, how is saying “lesbians are boring” helpful to the queer movement? Or the LGBTQ community at all? Certainly yes, SOME lesbians are boring. Some queers are awesome. And sometimes, some of them are reversed.

We paint sub-communities within larger communities with one brush stroke; gay boys like to party, lesbians are boring, queers are too radical, bisexuals don’t know what they want, trans folks are their own entity, Doms are super serious, slaves are flakey, switches are greedy; you name it, we have a full fledge stereotype to go with it.  By doing so, we create drama with in and directly next to the very same communities that we are claiming to support, and want to grow and thrive.

When we say things like “lesbians are boring,” how does that make us any better than our political enemies saying that the gays are promiscuous and out to ruin marriage? Or that there is something “unnatural” about being transgender? We are creating a hierarchy of oppression, and working very hard to push away those who are, or may have worked to become our allies. There are so many intersections of identities (what about queer, trans lesbian identified women?) that when we focus on one that just doesn’t see radical or traditional enough and take them down, we are really cutting part of our own rope as well.

It happens in the queer community. It happens in the kink community. It happens in the poly community, in the Tantra community, in the sex education community. Name a smaller, less than mainstream community, and somewhere within it, you’ll see the in fighting, mud slinging and identity bashing. I have no doubt that every single one of us has participated in this at some point. It’s the thing to do.

I call for it to stop. This is just one of the many ways that the mainstream, the oppressors, the majority, whatever you choose to call it, works to keep us down, to keep us unequal, to keep us marginalized. With all of this in fighting, why would they even need to spend the time working to smash us down further when we are doing the job for them and handing them our dismantled and broken communities on a silver platter? We don’t all have the same politics, same identities, same ways we live our lives. However, we do have the power to band together, to say fuck you to the man, and to allow ourselves the change to come together and rise up as united communities. I challenge us to give it a true go, boring folks and all.

Having Lao Standards

 Posted by on July 13, 2012
Jul 132012
 

Having Lao Standards

I remember when I first got involved with kink, there was no shortage of people willing to “show me the ropes”, often quite literally. It wasn’t too long after I got started, that I started to hear about “true” dominants, and submissives. But how is one to know who’s got it right? How does one recognize a master of anything?

Lao-tzu knew how: you don’t.

14.

You can’t see Tao,

no matter how hard you look. You can’t hear Tao,

no matter how hard you listen. You can’t hold on to Tao,

no matter how hard you grab.

But it’s there.

It’s in you, and it’s all around you. Remember that.

 

As I’ve mentioned before, “tao” is the Chinese word for “way”. There are countless ways in our lives. There’s the way you read this column, the way you make a cup of coffee, the way you go to sleep at night, the way you roll someone’s nipple in your fingers before you pinch it.

Some ways are contained within others, or are related. The way you wake is intimately related to the way you sleep.

But there’s one way, The Way, which contains, precedes, follows, informs, and influences all others. Some have called it the Tao. Lao-tzu would tell you, don’t call it at all – because you can’t.

Why? It’s because the movement and nature of the Tao is invisible, ineffable, and beyond human comprehension.

Part of why that is, is because we’re a part of it. Think of it like a symphony, for a vast orchestra. Many instruments, playing together, produce the song which describes how the sun comes up, how it came up this morning. That same song describes the orchestra and every instrument that came into being to play the song, it describes everything that has ever happened, and is happening, and may yet happen. And while this song is doing this, it is describing itself. Dizzying, right?

So, what does all this have to do with kink? Well, there’s this notion tossed around a lot that being kinky is kind of like being a carpenter. You start out knowing nothing at all about carpentry, become an apprentice to a master carpenter, and by working for them, learn from them, until one day, you reach the place where you can do the same for others.

But, in terms of kink, that’s kind of nonsensical.

Here’s the thing – yes, kink has lots of skills to learn. Let’s take rope work for an example. There are dozens of different kinds of knots, all sorts of different materials from which to make rope, lots of things to know about the human body in order to tie someone up safely. It’s certainly a good idea to seek out those more experienced to learn these things. We can all be one another’s teacher or student for many things.

But then there’s the ineffable stuff, like why a particular tie turns you on, or why you like a particular kind of rope. You stumble across that knowledge by just doing the play. That stumbling is not the means to an end – it’s enjoyable in its own right.

One of my partners only knows a few basic knots, but he’s great at them. He doesn’t own miles and miles of rope, just a few pieces he uses to make rope cuffs or basic ties. I love when he does them to me. I keep meaning to get him to show me some of those skills, so I can have them too.

The problem I see with the master carpenter metaphor in kink isn’t the carpentry. It’s the mastery.

I could play with someone who is a very skilled rope top, but doesn’t know me well. He might be able to tie me up in ways my partner could only ever dream of – but because he doesn’t know me, know how I tick, my partner still has knowledge he does not. Mastery of skill doesn’t necessarily equate to a better play partner or experience.

Quantity of knowledge is acquired over time – but quality is not. Every time you play with someone it’s a bit like being born anew. Whether you’re topping or bottoming, every scene you do is a discrete, unique experience. Playing with someone is like dancing, or making love – both partners bring their life experiences, perspective, desires, and needs together. When this happens well, it’s because the partners are mindful of one another, listening, observing, and meeting each other at a mutually satisfying mid-ground. That mindfulness and rapport is always a possibility, but never a certainty.

That possibility is tempting, delightful, and often, completely infuriating. Mindfulness is a practice one chooses to do. But it’s not like computer programming, gardening, or playing the piano. You can’t hone it to perfection. It’s already perfect.

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