Humbling Myself

 Posted by on December 3, 2012
Dec 032012

istock_000017826137small-300x208-2104483The first time I stepped inside a Catholic church was in Quito, Ecuador. I was a college student living abroad and fascinated by the cathedral that sat at the center of the city. The flagstones leading to the entrance were worn by the footsteps of thousands of feet and almost black with age and grime. The impressive cathedral sits at the center of Quito’s historic district, and even a non-Catholic (I didn’t convert to Catholicism until two years later) like myself couldn’t help but be impressed.

If a religion ever wanted to make an impression on the farm girl in me, a cathedral was the way to do it. The paintings, sculpture and the gold on the altar… all of it combined into a blur of awe punctuated by the ever-present smell of incense. I walked around the periphery of the sanctuary with a group of students, only half-listening to the guide. It was all breathtaking, and there was no denying the sacred feeling to the place. What drew my attention, however, was the man prostrate on the floor in front of the altar.

He lay on his stomach with his arms stretched out straight at shoulder level in the shape of a living cross. His eyes were closed, and I watched his lips move with prayer. Goosebumps rippled up my arms, and I recognized something. I felt a connection with the man that transcended gender, nationality and economics. I saw his need to humble himself, his desire for humility before God. He could have been praying for so many different reasons, but a vision coalesced in his still form, something that I longed for with all my heart and soul. That indigenous gentleman was more beautiful to me than any statue of Christ. He had taken action in a way that I had never been able to label, even though I knew the feeling in my heart of hearts.

After converting, several curious friends asked why. One of the first reasons I listed was that I loved to kneel. As a kinky person, the statement always held a double entendre for me, but it was still true. On Sundays I loved kneeling and asking for God’s forgiveness. I wanted to physically humble myself and repent my misdeeds. I wanted my knees to ache from the wooden kneelers as my elbows rested on the hard pew. I wished for there to be no ego, no pretense of worthiness. I love that my physical presence echoed my internal need for forgiveness.

As I relocated over the years, I’ve resisted attending certain Catholic churches because they no longer kneel. My odd background of Anabaptist youth and Catholic conversion leads me to compromise on several key tenants of Catholicism; hell being one of them. One of the areas where I’m most strict is being able to humble myself in church. Outside of a scene with my Dominant, church is the only other place where I submit. I submit to a higher power and a greater spirit, endless in its possibilities. For that brief hour I am the smallest pinpoint of light in a vast, limitless power. I am purely, humbly myself at the feet of God.

  2 Responses to “Humbling Myself”

  1. Heya Heather! Thanks for sharing this — faith is an interesting thing, and I certainly understand various reasons why people feel funny talking about it.

    Which leads me to my curiosity: You tweeted, “It’s more difficult for me to talk about my belief in God than it is my sex life.” I imagine this reality is shared by lots of people, but I’m curious as to why this is for you?

    At first, I was thinking that people find it difficult to talk about faith because although lots of people share the possession of faith, the various beliefs and practices associated with individual faiths are diverse. But then I realized it’s really similar for sex — lots of people have sex, but the beliefs about and practices of individuals’ sexualities is diverse. So, what is it for you?

    I’m glad you shared!


  2. Thanks for commenting, D! Your question is perfectly aimed because it sparked my brain churning. “What exactly is at the center of my discomfort?” I ask myself.

    I suppose it’s the fear of what other religious people will think. The manner in which I chose to worship is Catholic, but my beliefs about God are more of an amalgamation of Catholicism and Anabaptist and, well, a whole lot of other influences. I suppose I fear that people will tell me I’m doing it “wrong.” (I was married to one of those.) If it was someone saying that my sexual practices were “wrong” (again, I married that guy) I have an arsenal of replies and defenses. Quite simply, my kink is not the same as yours but we’re still ok. Maybe I need to practice that with religious zealots? Or zealots in all their forms?

    The other part of it is that I worry that my new found kinky community won’t embrace me if they knew I went to church. Like being a BDSM slave somehow cancels out my beliefs, as if they couldn’t coexist peacefully. (It’s the fear in my head and probably not at all true, but hey, that’s fear for you.)

    Thank you for asking. I think I now have a new post to write.