Within our own minds, the thing that turns us on the most is sacred. For some of us in the kink community the high value we place on our personal kinky hot button can leave us feeling lonely in a crowd, bullied or even make us into bullies ourselves.
For this reason it’s really important to at least come to the understanding that while we’re entitled to think that our ultimate hot ideal is second to none, it doesn’t diminish anyone else’s turn on. So before you find yourself tweeting “OMG @otherguy it’s so disgusting that you put in your while you !” lets look at some ways not to fly off the handle.
Listen – If someone is sharing something with you that curls their toes hear them out. Even if you don’t share common ground, listening lets the other person know that you respect them. If you find yourself fast approaching a Squick Factor 11, it’s okay to interrupt but make sure it’s to say something positive like “Wow you are really passionate about this!”
Support – Even as you decline to learn more about a fetish or an activity let the person know you support their enjoyment of it. You can still set boundaries while supporting someone. “I’m glad you enjoy drinking the golden nectar of an asparagus eating partner but that’s really not for me. I hope the partner of your dreams is right around the corner.” OR “We can still be play partners in what we have in common, right after you gargle with this Listerine.”
Be Nice – Showing someone kindess doesn’t cost you a thing and as a rule, brings a huge return on investment. Someday, somehow, it will be you on the other side of this situation and you’ll want to be treated with dignity.
So what do you do when it is you being dogpiled or insulted for your passion?
Keep Calm – Flipping out will only further confirm to your detractors that you are “fucked up.” Hold your head up and politely acknowledge your difference of opinion.
Maintain Your Dignity – When someone bashes your kink to the point you feel hurt, stand up for yourself and be direct with the offender. Go one on one and calmly let them know “I’m sorry you don’t like what I like. You don’t have to, I respect that. I would appreciate respect of my preferences as well.” Bullies, even those who would not recognize their own behavior as bullying if it bit them on the ass, rarely fail to apologize when addressed directly. As with any other conflict, whining to the people who already agree with you only enables you to suffer in a more drawn out manner. People who cry “poor me” at every opportunity are never tolerated for long even by those who agree with their plight. This is not to be confused with discussing your kink and the difficulties you encounter with your peers to have a support network. Having supportive people in your corner means that they enable you to stand up for yourself, it does not mean that they enable you to be a doormat.
Even if you’ve never met someone else who shares your kink, you’re not alone in the world. Remember all of those nice people you listened to and supported even though you didn’t enjoy their kink? Those are the very people who have the potential to become your friends and supporters based on mutual respect. With these connections you can build a network that may lead to fulfilling your super hot fantasy.
Please note: “Kink” in the context of this article refers to acts that do not cause unwanted harm to ourselves or others and/or do not involve others who are not of age or otherwise incapable of consent.