All Posts – Page 26 – Fearless Press

Experiments for Better Sex: Part 1

Posted by SinclairSexsmith on September 1, 2012

Sep 012012

Keeping a sexual connection in a long term relationship is not a given, but with some intention and self-awareness, I believe it’s possible. In some ways, I think it’s a choice to believe that it’s possible—I am invested in loving someone over a long period of time, and I want it to be possible. I think, like many of life’s great adventures, that my choice to continue loving and working on myself and this unique combination of myself with this partner will make a difference in whether or not it, for the long haul, works

Let’s say, hypothetically, that you’re in a relationship that you are invested in and want to stay in. You’ve been together long enough for your lives to be fairly strongly intertwined with each other, somewhere in the one year to eight years range. You know each other well, you support each other, your emotional connections are good, you’re working on improving the ways that you fight. You want to be together.

But there’s just one little hitch: your sex life isn’t what you want it to be. “Everything else is great!” you say. “But I just want more sex / dirtier sex / different sex / to be on the top / to be on the bottom / to have threesomes / to do this kinky fetish thing I’ve always wanted to / to get used / to be rougher / to fuck their ass / to do more more more.”

How do you change it

In many conversations with friends, folks in my various communities, people who attend my workshops and performances, and in emails that I frequently receive, this is really common. It’s so easy to stop prioritizing sex in a long term relationship. In the beginning, there is an early passion stage where you are discovering each other’s bodies and cannot keep your hands or mouths off each other, but that doesn’t last. Let me rephrase that—it doesn’t last without work. It doesn’t just happen automatically. Pretty soon, sex becomes at best a serious hobby that you both pursue and at worse, something you skip over because the demands of life are so vast.

So how, once you find yourself in a significant relationship with someone you want to continue seeing, do you improve or change your sex life? How do you make sure to keep the sex going?

I am studying a lineage of queer Tantra, and one of the core principles is “Everything is an experiment.” Therefore, conduct an experiment and collect the data. This is the basis, I believe, in keeping your sex life satisfying, exciting, and alive.

1. Identify

The first thing you have to do is take a good look at your sex life and identify what’s going on. Admit you have a problem, in other words.

Ask yourself—and your partner—two questions: What do you want? And: What is prohibiting you from having that?

What someone wants is usually either a change in quantity (more sex!) or a change in the content (different sex) or both. What is prohibiting is different depending on the couple, but frequent reasons for not having the kind of satisfying sex that you seek could be, but are not limited to: too tired; not enough time; life events (job, obligations, kids, illness, overburdened) in the way; weight gain is causing body insecurity and discomfort; incompatible schedules or not enough free time together; one or more people have had a change in their sex drive (higher or lower).

Sound familiar?

Try to be specific about what’s going on. Where is the discomfort coming from? Do you not want to get naked anymore because your body has changed? Do you fall asleep right when you get into bed because your job is so demanding? Are you ready and raring’ to go in the morning, but your partner prefers having sex at night?

Identify it, as accurately as possible. Once you have a sense of what’s going on, you can make up some experiments and see what might be able to shift.

2. Self Care

Next, work on your self care. Sexy self care. Immaculate self care. Look at the basics of your life: Are you getting enough sleep? Are you getting enough exercise? Are you getting enough decompression time, where you can engage your brain in an easy, simple way that stimulates you instead of exhausting you? Do you feel good about your body? Do you feel good about your apartment? Are you getting enough time to yourself?

Do a self care experiment. Set up something that you’ll practice and experiment with for one week, once daily. Maybe you’ll go for a quick jog. Maybe you’ll do yoga. Maybe you’ll cut out some of your after work activities and make sure to be home by 8pm so you can have more time at home. Maybe you’ll set a timer on your phone to go off at 10:30pm every night and you’ll commit to being in bed by 11pm. Maybe you have been eating too much heavy food late at night and resolve to only eat salads for dinner for a week.

Just see what happens. Observe the changes, how your body feels, how your energy changes or doesn’t, how your emotional state changes or doesn’t, when you do this experiment. Maybe you’ll love the changes. Maybe you won’t notice anything. Maybe the experiment will end up being even more stressful than not doing it, so you stop mid-week. That’s okay. All of it is okay. There’s no wrong answer here. You’re just trying to figure out what variable pieces you might be able to shift and improve, to have a strong base of yourself to bring to your partner and to your sex life

3. Reconnect

When you’ve started to untangle some of the things that might be in the way of getting the sex that you want, and hopefully your partner is doing similar experiments or self reflection, the next experiment to look at is how you will reconnect and start doing the sexy fun times together that you both want to do. Were you able to identify some of the things that you’d like to change or tweak in your sex life? See if you can create some experiments based on the things that you want.

For example, if you want to have sex more often, create an experiment where you have sex five times in one week, or every day in a week, and see how that goes. Can you make time for each other every day? Does a ten minute quickie count? You get to decide the parameters of the experiment, and you get to collect the data of the experiment when it is over and decide which parts served you both well, which could be tweaked, and which are unnecessary to try again. All the data is good data—all the data will give you information that will better serve you to get what you want in the future.

Maybe you want to learn a new skill, so the experiment is to find a book or a workshop to attend in order to start learning that skill. Maybe you want to get involved with more local leather community, so your experiment could be doing research on some of the groups in your area. Maybe you want to practice asking for what you want, so your experiment could be making it one person’s responsibility to state verbally what kind of sex they are craving. Maybe you want to get better at dirty talk, so your experiment is texting and having phone sex to inspire more words.

Once you start seeing hurdles as potential experiments, the obstacles that have been in your way can become opportunities for insight and connection. And beyond that, you can start untangling the messiness of daily life that has been getting in the way of the fabulous sex life that you—and your partner—wants.

Long term intimacy and sexual connection can happen. We can deepen as we get to know each other better, year after year, and our sex explorations can deepen, too.

Stay tuned for the 2nd part of this article, which will be published soon!

Interview with Fran Fisher RN, Ph.D author of “In the Name of God, Why?”

Posted by PrincessKali on August 30, 2012

Aug 302012

Your Book “In the Name of God, Why? Ex-Catholic Nuns Speak Out about Sexual Repression, Abuse & Ultimate Liberation” tackles a taboo topic, what inspired to you to collect these stories and share them with the public?

Originally my book was my dissertation, written as part of the requirement for my Ph.D. It was modified to make it more accessible to the general public. I chose the topic – or rather – my topic chose me because, as I studied human sexuality in all it’s depths, I realized how religious life had impacted my own personal sexual development and had in many ways stunted any healthy expression or ownership of it. Over the past 14 years I have struggled with my fear of the church leaders and therefore did not do my best to promote these women’s stories. However, the time is right NOW to speak out and speak up against the penis’s up to the Pope who are doing their damnedest to silence women of the Church. The Inquisition is alive and well and I have to get over myself and my fears and represent women of all repressive religions to understand and honor their sexual selves.

In this day and age, nuns seem rather few and far between in the mainstream world. How has “being a nun” changed over the decades?

Over the past four decades nuns have been under a lot of pressure to stem the tide of change. Radical nuns have been working hard to remain relevant in the world as teachers, social workers and nurses as has always been their traditional roles.

As was seen as recently as Aug. 11, 2012, American nuns in the Leadership Conference of Women Religious met to prepare a response to a three-year Vatican inquiry criticizing them for their liberal stances on homosexuality, contraception as well as an accusation of failing to promote the Church’s view of sexuality. While the Church looks to “reform” the religious women, the LCWR is requesting to have a voice in the organization—a female voice.

At the same time Oprah did a show last year on nuns and their religious life and we saw young and old women dressed in completely traditional habits living the exact way nuns had 100 years ago!

The Second Vatican Council of 1962 had one main message; that was “change or shut your doors,” it was to force personal responsibility on religious men and women and to change monastic practices centuries out of date.

So, in answer to your question I think the past forty years has done much to force nuns back in time, back under heavy veils and into muted “Brides of Christ,” in direct opposition to the ideals of the the revolutionary Pope John XX111 who originally called for change.The current Pope and hierarchy of the church are conducting another Inquisition to silence women and it’s a practice they are used to winning.

Many of the stories are rather heart-breaking, what are you hoping readers get out of reading these stories?

These stories are simply representative of a group of women who all shared common denominators – they were all raised in catholic families, educated in catholic schools, entered religious life and then left. I hope other women and men will appreciate the journey all of these women took and the incredible strength they demonstrated by ultimately discovering their own power in opposition to the Church which sought to control them. Not all of them were successful but for those still alive I am sure the struggle continues because they were all incredibly intelligent and curious.

Organized religion, and Catholicism in general has been re-evaluated by many previously faithful church members, what do you think about this shift of perception?

I think there is much confusion as the church struggles to contain it’s general degradation, put out fires of it’s own making and refocus the world on matters much more easily controlled…women.

Do you think there are any positive aspects to being part of the Catholic church, whether as a nun, a priest or a congregation member?

As the hierarchy stands today I would question the sanity of any woman willingly walking in it’s doors. As I reflect on my innocent/ignorant view from my own childhood and youth I can see the glorious nature and goodness of those dedicated men and women working within the church for the betterment of society. In my view, these men and women would be good and saintly people with or without the organization known as the Catholic Church and would maybe be much happier enjoying the freedom to truly choose and honor their sexuality in all it’s spiritual fullness. Waiting another century for change is just plain sad!

This is a rather ground-breaking book, shedding light on a subject that the Catholic church seems intent on keeping in the dark….female sexuality.

Thank you; probably the very reason men and women of all traditional religions need to read it.

How do you think Catholicism affects woman’s relationship to their sexual selves?

It teaches girls to hide themselves, to see their bodies as dangerous. It teaches women to mistrust their own nature and always be afraid – be terribly afraid. Women can never be in control of their own sexuality. Virginity is the “gift” we give our husbands and children are the reward for subjecting ourselves to sex.

I’m not saying women believe this nonsense, but it is the intended message from the Penis’s up to the Pope.

What has been the response to the book? Have you had any issues with the church trying to silence your writings?

The response has been mainly positive. I have not had any reaction from the Penis’s up to and including the Pope…YET!

If you had to give one piece of advice to someone considering becoming a nun, what would it be?

Of course my first reaction is “DON’T”

Only the Catholic Church cull young boys at age eleven and segregate them from girls and recruit young women at age sixteen and brain wash them in “Formation” to control their every thought and deed. Of course girls and women who make this choice do so from the fullness of desire to devote one’s life, soul and spirit to their own personal definition of God. Conversely, young boys were placed in seminaries for a great education. I understand the desire.

I would counsel them to wait, to grow up, to be sexual, to live a year of life outside the box of childhood laws and church Rules. Then they know what they are giving up and do so with full knowledge not innocent ignorance.

I do want to acknowledge the fact that we have always had pure ascetics walking with us. Men and women dedicating themselves to God in all walks of life. The organization which is the Catholic Church seeks to form young boys and girls and shape them to suit the needs of the organization that’s very different and something I strongly object to.

You can purchase “In the Name of God, Why? Ex-Catholic Nuns Speak Out about Sexual Repression, Abuse & Ultimate Liberation” here.

Parenting Visibility

Posted by Airial Clark on August 28, 2012

Aug 282012

The mainstream representation of the parenting and sex dilemma is almost exclusively focused on the straight, monogamous, married person who is too burdened from parenting to have the sex life he or she (though usually she) once did. Pages and pages, site after site, blog after blog address and respond to this issue as if it is the only conflict between parenting and sexual behavior. Why? Because it is the only mainstream parenting narrative allowed to exist. It’s a faux-dilemma.

As sex-positive as I like to be, there is a lot of pressure as a parent to stay silent. To keep your head down and tuck away your sexuality until your kids are grown and out of the house. So here we are presented with two options: stay child-free and explore your sexuality all you want or have children and keep your sexuality contained in a neat little box.

Recently there was a blog post making the rounds written by a straight, legally married, white, monogamous, stay at home mother of several children with the headline, “I’m a mom and I love sex!” or something. She basically just announced that she liked sex and that sex with her husband was hot and that she wasn’t ashamed of her sexuality. Great. Awesome. I’m glad she was able to make such a bold statement. I’m just curious what a declaration like that is actually celebrating? What I got from that post, and all of the kudos it gathers, is that if you want to be a parent who is proud of your sexuality, your sexuality better be as close to the status-quo as possible… still.

Where are the: “I’m a Kinky, Poly, Multi-racial, Gender-queer, Pansexual, CEO and I love being a parent!” blog posts? I know they do exist, I know the people who write them, but those posts aren’t given as much attention. The schism that exists between what we can say about ourselves as parents and what we can say about ourselves as people is deep. We have to constantly chose who we are in certain spaces.

We all know that being public about our sexuality has consequences. Some of them are good and some of them are not so good. But they are there regardless. As parents, we have to think of consequences in three-fold: how are we, as individuals affected, how are our partners affected and how are our children affected? And often times the sequence of those considerations are jumbled up and rearranged depending upon the situation. If being open about our sexual exploration will be evidence used against us in a divorce, that’s a pretty intense incentive to not be public. If we perceive a threat to our children’s social acceptance due to being open about our sexual preferences, we are most likely not to share about them in any type of public forum. All of these concerns restrict our ability to publicly complicate the dominant narrative of how parenting and sexuality intersect and the actual challenges we are facing.

So, my point? Where do parents go to challenge these norms? Is it online through anonymous handles? Is it only in the private spaces of trusted company? Who are our role models and living examples? Feel free to comment and share who you admire, learned what not do from or are just aware of as parenting with an alternative sexuality in public.

Soft Porn – Whitney Lee’s Rugs

Posted by ErinFae on August 26, 2012

Aug 262012

Do you remember that latch-hook rug hanging on your grandma’s wall? It may have been orange and brown, with a hint of avocado. Maybe you’ve only come across them at thrift stores. You might have gotten a kit as a child and pulled those tiny pieces of yarn through their plastic frames. However you encountered latch-hook rugs, I bet they never resembled the work of artist and photographer Whitney Lee.

Lee transforms images from pornography into latch-hook rugs. By working digitally, she creates a pattern using a pornographic still, turning picture into pixels, and pixels into individual threads in her fuzzy works of art. She started with the idea of the classic nude, but subverted this familiar allusion through the counter-intuitive combination of hobby craft injected with the erotic While a classical painting might have a woman reclining on a rug, here is a rug with a woman reclining, or even better, a rug with a woman with her head tossed back in pleasure. It is a bit tongue in cheek; fun but still thought provoking.

While many works start with a blank canvas, the artist sometimes uses found latch-hook rugs, and introduces a retro nude into the abandoned craft. In a short documentary film (LINK: http://www.shortfilmtexas.com/2009/texas-filmmaker-jessica-schoenbaechlers-documentary-hooker-is-unique-story-of-women-art-and-pornography/) about her work, she tells a gallery patron, “I found the rugs at a thriftshop and then I tried to chose a photograph that was actually from the era the rug was made.” The latch-hook rug was quite the craze in the 70s and images from that era’s pornography are quite recognizable in style and tone (and not simply because of the hair styles). The combination of image and medium gives the work an appealing amount of kitsch value. Sometimes, the effort to preserve the found pattern obscures the newly hooked women. “I’m interested in how one will hide the other,” Lee says.

Lee presents us with a different way to engage with art and with pornography. This is erotic art you can touch. The work is tactile, and it is a texture that is familiar. Lee makes porn feel more approachable by transforming it into another material. In a way, she is softening pornography, both figuratively and literally. Her process inevitably results in the blurring of some photographic details. The images are still recognizable as pornography, but it reminds me of trying to watch the blocked porn channels as a child with those familiar distorted bars. I could still make out what was going on, but definitely didn’t have access to a clear picture. With this work, pornography can sit comfortably between your toes.

As her work began to appear in more galleries (and thus, became more expensive), she wanted to continue to make her work available to the masses. Until recently, she sold kits online via a website called Made With Sweet Love. The kits included everything a person needed to be able to create their own porn-inspired rug. With these kits, the work comes full circle: her work started off with a traditional craft which became art, and then turned into craft again. In reality, the work straddles both craft and art. The tool used to create these rugs–a latch-hook–looks a bit like an instrument of pleasurable pain and latch-hook enthusiasts are called “hookers,” adding yet another element to consider.

In recent years, Lee has stopped focusing on rugs in favor of developing her photography career. However, I’ll take my lesson from years of combing through dusty thrift stores and tell you that these works will be around for some time.

The Erotic Edge

Posted by Mistress Simone on August 24, 2012

Aug 242012

**This article addresses erotic knife play. It could be a possible trigger for some. It is intended as an educational article for consenting adults**

“A deadly weapon. Sharp. Slick. Seductive. Sliding across the skin slowly, not knowing where it will stop. Caressing the curve of her neck, causing her skin to unconsciously shiver with desire. A groan escapes her taut lips. It glints as it glides down her soft belly to the moist spot waiting below. Teasing so lightly that it feels like butterfly wings, it makes her seek to squirm and wiggle away. She knows that one small move and the butterfly will die.”

Now that I have your attention, let’s talk about the weapon itself and how to recreate the above scenario safely. Knives! Small ones, tall ones even pocket ones: all mean instant orgasm to me. Recall the scene from Sweeny Todd (if you have seen it) with Johnny Depp where he makes love to his razors. Caressing them, making them gleam and glint. Now I am of course not advocating using knives violently but the image put forth in that scene was designed to invoke one thing: arousal. Just the sight of a shiny blade is enough to make me gush (like a new pair of shiny stilettos, just a different shine). Used as an erotic tool by one you love, the blade takes on a deeper meaning. Trusting someone you love to come at you (or vice versa) with what we have been conditioned to view as a deadly weapon takes an enormous amount of trust. No matter how hard we fight, it is ingrained in us to react. The intrinsic reaction of fear or protection is based upon the object, not the person in this case. It could be anyone behind the knife, we would still react the same, with our survival instinct. Fear in the object and what possible harm it could cause us. It is a predicament scene playing out in our head without so much as a touch.

In our lifestyle, trust is the cornerstone upon which we base our interactions. Introducing a deadly weapon as a play instrument pushes this boundary. For many, knife play is a hard limit. While the sub trusts you to never actually harm them, you are not what they are worried about. From a young age, we are told not to play with sharp, pointy things or we get hurt. This is not a bad reaction.

A healthy respect for things that can harm us is a good thing to have. It is how we learn not to do things such as put our hand in the fire or walk on sharp glass. When we see the knife, we are reacting to this conditioning. Some of react like a child and want to play with what we are told not to

Any factor of the knife may cause a reaction in your play partner. From just the sight of it to the sound of it opening near them.

When a knife is placed near or on us, we can react in one of two ways: fear or aggression. Both reactions can be a negative thing to encounter in a knife scene gone awry. Pre-scene set up can prevent or lessen this. Before you even show a blade, conversation is a must. When you start to play in this area, one or both of you may have history with knives. Ask the details if they will share. If not, discuss how they feel they may react to this type of scene. Do they desire to engage in it, and why? Many people who do try knife play do so to help work through some past issues. If the person has been attacked or assaulted it will bear in the scene structure.

Discuss if the scene goes south, how you will keep them calm and controlled while managing to remove the weapon from range. Be aware of this aspect when you are the knife top. If you undertake the play, you must be prepared for possible triggers and the fall out that may occur from the scene. Good communication will go a long way here.

So once you decide to engage in knife play, discuss the boundaries. Sight, touch, use all must be determined. Some start out with just the threat of use without ever seeing the blade. Others are full blown knife-skin contact. While the act of drawing the blade across the belly may not be enough to send your slave flying, the verbal accompaniments before, during and after might be. Imagine whispering in the ear: ”Just wait till tonight when you are bound. I suggest you not move too much.” How about a soft command given when they are bound for them not to move or your hand might slip. Determine what is right for you both.

In a knife scene, there are not only the human participants. The knife becomes the third element. It has its own power that no matter how much the wielder thinks they have control can be taken away instantly. It has its own force where with just one wrong move, it can harm where none was intended. To properly control a blade, you must first have the utmost respect for it. It is not a toy to be flung r brandished willy-nilly. It is an instrument of potential harm that is granting the wielder the privilege of controlling it for a short time. Remember the blade is the one in ultimate control. It is up to the wielder to instill enough control to successfully manipulate it where I desire it to go.

Learn some basic knife skills prior to introducing them into your play. Do not just walk into the kitchen and grab a steak knife. Or go purchase the biggest blade you can find. If it too heavy for you to handle comfortably, you will have less control over the minute movements of it. In handling a knife, where you hand moves, so does the blade. However, it has a millisecond delay. This is important when placing it near or on a body. You may think you are clear and safe but the blade is still in a dangerous position.

Know that when you turn your hand, the blade does not instantly turn with you.

Types of blades:

Dead vs. Live:

A dead blade is one that does not have a harmful edge to it. Dull, non-sharp.  A dead blade can be a good introduction tool for a submissive fearful of knives.

Live:  Has at least one sharp, potentially harmful edge.

Types of Edges

Single: one sharp edge.

Double: edges on both sides.

Serrated: wavy edges.

The angle the knife blade is cut at will effect how sharp it is. That is why even very small knives can be extremely sharp. Smaller the cut angle, the sharper the knife. When purchasing, look at the blade edge and see how severe the angle is, or ask the retailer.

Knife simulators for play:

Bamboo Skewers

Playing cards

Credit cards

Dental tools

Vampire nails

Barbeque tongs

Keys

Tweezers

Knitting needles

Ice pick

If you choose to begin with one of these items, be aware some of them also have sharp edges and can cut skin.

**A SCAPEL IS NOT A KNIFE. DO NOT TREAT IT AS SUCH.*

Oil your blade on a regular basis, usually at least once every few months. Too much oil degrades the blade and make it difficult to use in play scenes. For a lubricant, ask what the retailer suggests for the type of knife you have. We use pivots 3 in 1 oil for most of ours. Wd40 also works.

 If a blade develops spurs and blemishes, it should be retired from direct skin contact. It can cut and harm unexpectedly.  A rusty blade  is obviously not good for play.

 Safety:

First thing you must decide is whether there will be blood involved. If so, you will need to make sure you have the proper materials on hand to not only clean your play partner but the blade.

Blades do not respond well to cold soaks or alcohol wipes as it makes them rust quickly. However, it is still the best way to decontaminate metal. To prevent rusting, make time the next day to oil the blade used.

Learn the legality of having a deadly weapon on your person in the state you will be playing. Due to the fact you are using a deadly weapon on another person, you must consider what can happen if the scene goes bad. If this person is upset enough, can they press charges? Sue you? If a mistake occurs, can you afford hospital costs? It deglamorizes the fetish but we must be realistic in the day and age. We have all heard horror stories of consensual scenes turning ugly.

When touching the blade to your partner’s skin, you will leave what are known as “phantom trails”. These appear white and fade quickly for a bit. BUT then they can turn red and welt up. Keep this in mind when you decide if and where to drag it. If a person has to be discrete refrain from doing this action.

Two important factors in wielding a blade: pressure and sharpness. A dull blade can still cause harm with sufficient enough pressure.

Safety gear for a knife scene includes: Styptic pen or powder, clean water source, disposable towels, bag to collect any fluid materials, Bactine, gauze bandages.

The fun stuff:

Now that we have covered all the must know stuff, here are some fun scene ideas to get you started.

Use all the aspects of the knife, not just the blade. Consider the sound, weight and texture as elements. Handles make great impact toys.

Simply placing the blade on the belly or genital area of a naked, bound submissive can send them flying. Blindfold them and open or unsheathe it next to their ear.

v Use the knife as a paintbrush with grease, paint or cosmolean.

v Show your victim a large, sharp blade then blindfold them. Switch to a dull one.

v Place the blade in a fold of skin, such as the mouth. Be careful here if using a live blade. Harm may be caused if they move.

v After a hot wax scene, use a blade to remove the wax.

v Place blade in freezer than on sub.

v Dead blade along, around genitalia area. Insertion of the handle.

v Push into a nipple, then eye drop warm oil to simulate blood.

v Write phrases with the blade.

v Combine with electric play.

v Knife suspension over softy bits. Be careful here. Knots do come untied.

v Blade tied to the sub in a strategic place.

v Place dull blade in mouth of sub. Use live blade on their body.

To simulate blood, you can use vegetable oil, dish soap, shower gel.

Have fun but…

Keep in mind, knife play touches the edge of our psyches. Do no permanent harm.

Welcome to the Industry

Posted by Sexquire on August 22, 2012

Aug 222012

As a complete business services firm that includes in our ranks a small business attorney and bookkeeping/tax folks, Sexquire sees a lot of new sex related businesses in their infancy. We’ve helped set them up from a variety of angles, creating their legal entities, getting them off on the right foot for keeping their financial records, and even taking part in a few crowd-funding campaigns. For each of these clients, whether they are internet entrepreneurs or sex toy makers or launching a brick and mortar location, we have a list of things that we cover with each of them, sort of a “dos and don’ts” of getting your business started on the right foot.

But there is one item that we never mention, despite the fact that it comes up for nearly every new client we meet. Why would we leave out something that comes up for everyone, regardless of the type of sex related business they are starting? Because it’s so powerful that you have to experience it for yourself, as no matter how someone explains it, nothing will take the place of that first experience with it.

So what is it? There’s no official term for it, as far as we know, but, like Supreme Court Justices and porn, you’ll know it when you see it. It’s the prejudice that arises when you mention your business has something to do with sex. And guess what? In every state in this country, it’s perfectly and 100% legal. A form of sex discrimination that you are going to run into time and time again once you decide you want to dip your toe into any area of the sex industry. And where does it come up? Well, where doesn’t it? Below are some prime examples and some ways we’ve found to help clients overcome these obstacles and the people who present them.

We Don’t Want Your Money. One of the first steps every business or individual does when starting a business is open a bank account so they have a place to put the money they earn. Fairly simple, right? Well, not in our industry. We’ve encountered clients who are welcomed to open business account by banks they have had relationships with for decades, only to be told later, albeit sheepishly, that on second thought, now that the bank knows exactly what the business is, they need to close the account. We’ve also heard “we don’t do business with your type of businesses” and lots of other offensive quotes from bankers. Keep in mind, these clients were not doing anything illegal in their states or towns, and they weren’t asking for a loan or financing…all they wanted was a CHECKING account. But many banks, both large and small, have refused them based solely on the fact that their intended business has something to do with sex.

A Special Deal Just for You. This is another gem that comes up often for businesses in the beginning stages. In this particular type of discrimination, the business provider, who you are actually doing a favor by using for whatever need you have (merchant processing, website development, etc.) lets you know in no uncertain terms that they generally wouldn’t do business in this area, and most all of their competitors wouldn’t either (so don’t bother going to ask them) but just this once, because you seem so unlike those OTHER type of businesses they’re going to do business with you. Of course you’ll pay a premium, but they’re doing you a favor just for doing the work, right? Wrong. And if you buy into this line of reasoning, you’re not only hurting yourself, you’re hurting others in the industry who might come after you and might not pass this particular company or person’s “not REALLY sex-related” test. If you hear this line of reasoning, turn around and keep walking.

We’re Just Concerned for You. This one is the subtlest form of sex business/work discrimination. In fact, many people don’t realize this one is happening until someone else points it out to them. This is where some third party, who has exactly ZERO relation to or business in your business, offers some thoughts about what you might want to do, out of feigned concern. It might sound innocent enough “do you think you should put curtains on your windows? I mean, some people might have a problem with what you do.” But rest assured, these people ARE the “some people” they talk about, and listening to them will be only the tip of the pain in the neck iceberg for you. Again – run, don’t walk, away from these folks.

So how can you deal with these situations and issues? For one, know the laws that effect your business, the statutes and definitions of things like “obscene” and “adult” material in your area of the world, and have these handy when dealing with anything related to your business. Stay calm, and inform whoever is offering you some advice or a special deal that you’re not interested, and you know the facts governing your particular business. Then, refuse to deal with anyone who doesn’t respect your business for what it truly is, equal in value to any other type of work. You are doing something many people would love to do, but often do not have the courage to pursue, and you are blazing a trail for those that come after you.

And take it from me, I’ve seen the same banks that refused a company a checking account try to court them to finance expansions later when the business was thriving. So find professionals and providers who share your values and respect your business, recognize sex discrimination when you see it, name it and keep moving. The best revenge is living well, and by doing something you are passionate about, you’re well on your way. Let the haters hate!

The Scent of a Hedonist

Posted by Julian Wolf on August 21, 2012

Aug 212012

“When I raised my hand to brush the hair out of my eyes, I caught a whiff of their scent on my hand, and I couldn’t help but smile as I let my hand linger, to keep those memories closer…”

Hardly a novel is written where the author doesn’t evoke the olfactory experience of being close to another person. We’re barraged with thousands of choices of cologne, perfume, oils, sprays and everything in between. Fashion magazines tell you how to smell sophisticated, and everyone from pop musicians to soccer players have a “signature scent” that advertisements seem to promise will make you significantly more attract than you already are.

In a world where we’re frequently encouraged to go “scent free” at events and many gatherings, we are, at best, getting mixed messages. In addition to the scent free movement, which is greatly based on people’s sensitivities and/or allergies to chemicals, there is a growing number of events that require attendees to go with out antiperspirant or deodorants, so that everyone can smell and enjoy each other’s natural odors.

It’s a familiar conundrum, when society seems to move strongly in one direction, there is aways a backlash. (An example from history include the fantastic pornography of the very repressed Victorian Era.) Right now, when we’re encouraged to buy artificial scents for our homes, cars and ourselves we find groups committed to au natural. Recently, I found a response to counter a scent free event, two of my acquaintances decided to throw a “perfume party” as his cologne and her perfume are large parts of their experience interacting with each other and they were disposed about having to leave their usual sundries in their bottles.

How does one chose the best olfactory route for them? There is rarely just one answer to this question, as there is much to consider. Different situations call for different approaches.

For those of us who do frequent public events (be it house parties or large hotel extravaganzas) it is a good idea to have unscented versions of your favorite toiletries to use before and during the event. Some people’s sensitivities extend to things as basic as laundry detergent, and your awareness might mean that this is another event they can attend. There are of course the circles who just prefer you leave off anything beyond a good rinsing off in the shower, but they’re usually quite clear on the invitation. The advantage to remaining scent free, above and beyond being respectful to those who have a low tolerance, is that many people respond very positively to the natural scents your body already makes, not to mention the pheromones and other chemical communications that our bodies use to communicate with others. For those of us into using all of our senses, I use say that that it’s a bit off putting to be kissing or licking a playmate’s skin and get a weird (or even worse numbing) taste in your mouth.

On the other hand, having your body’s natural odor enhanced can have it’s advantages as well. I still have the bottle of (now discontinued) perfume that I used to wear during special occasions with my first lover. I stopped wearing it a long time ago, but opening the lid and inhaling brings back very strong and rather delightful emotions that nothing else can. One of my personal favorites is the scent combination that hair products (shampoo, conditioner, styling aids) and soaps make, as it’s usually subtle, very personal and tends to remain a consistent undertone, even if someone chooses to wear an eau de toilette from time to time.

Are you looking for that little something extra? First and foremost, know that quality is significantly better than quantity. Scents are not to be bathed in, the goal is not to be smelled from across the room, but when you’re sharing a close moment, such as a caress. When you invest in a quality scent, a little truly goes a long way. Perfumes and colognes are almost always sold by the milliliter, and a spritz is usually more than enough enhance your body chemistry. If you’re going the route of scented oils, a dab on the wrists and perhaps behind your ears is enough to add intrigue to any affectionate embrace. Let me say again, for this is an important thing to know, your fragrance selection should not overwhelm, it should enhance. Catching a whiff as you walk by or rolling over and finding myself smiling at the smell of your hair on the pillowcase is far superior to coughing through a cloud of scented chemicals.

That being said, how do you find a scent that will work for you? Because you have a unique body chemistry, I cannot recommend purchasing any scents that you haven’t already tried personally, as you will react uniquely to each one. If you don’t have a local perfumery, most mega-malls will have store fronts where you can interact with samples. Perfumes, colognes and many oils are blends to create a harmony of scents, the musical metaphor extending itself to notes- the top, middle, and base notes. Each has its function to give you a lasting experience that changes over time. When seeking a new bouquet to add to your wardrobe, it’s also a good idea to keep in mind the scents that you might already be wearing. The detergent used for washing your clothes, the styling products I mentioned above, and more already effect the way you smell. A floral shampoo might not pair well with a robust musk, but it might be just the thing. As with many things in life, some experimentation is in order. I particularly enjoy sample kits from places such as Black Phoenix Alchemical Laboratory as anything that doesn’t work for me makes a lovely gift or trade to someone else.

Such olfactive quandaries are worth considering for any hedonist who wishes to make their aromatic statements intentionally. Just remember to breath deeply, revel in your research, and be empowered to make a bold choice- even if it’s simply to go without.

Enjoy yourself.

The Mythology of Sex

Posted by Robin Mandell on August 20, 2012

Aug 202012

The first unit of the literature component of my Grade 9 English class was Greek mythology. The myths chronicled in our textbook were brief and to the point, with high drama, complex relationships, and yet a familiarly human element. What was presented as a series of random stories coalesced into a universe with rules and social mores all its own. There were gods and goddesses of nature, war, and, best of all to a young eager mind, love and sensuality. Aphrodite—even the name was, and still is, delicious.

As I recall, Grade 9 health class didn’t include sex education; my foggy memories include discussions of menstruation and exercise. Yet I feel certain that if we had discussed sex, we would not have learned its mythology

Mythology, you ask?

As I prepared to write this month’s column, looking at how cultural beliefs and teachings about sex and sexuality exclude, even negate, the experiences of people with disabilities, I began to see a mythology, a set of stories we’ve been told and are telling ourselves. I’m afraid I am not creative enough to invent a selection of deities with interesting names, but I can tell you some of the things they would be in charge of: guilt, shame, helplessness, independence and separateness, silence, and procreation. So, in essence, we have a sexual universe built on isolation and reproduction.

How does this affect people with various disabilities and illnesses?

Let’s take the imperative that sex is only for procreation. This isn’t a realistic view of what sexual expression actually looks like, but it’s still very much what dictates the kinds of sex people think are okay and the kinds of people deemed able to be sexually active. Opinions abound on whether people with disabilities should or shouldn’t have children, and these opinions are voiced both loudly and softly. The loud voices state policies that govern, oversee, and judge the parenting of people with disabilities. The concerns are stated to be the safety and development of the child, but are based on rigid notions that rarely reflect reality, not to mention that nondisabled parents aren’t subject to the same sscrutiny based on—oh, I don’t know–their lack of a recognized disability. The soft-voiced opinions come from the nosey questions and clucking tongues, asking whether a couple is going to have children, or murmuring sympathetically that of course they’re not having children; it would just be too hard with the disabilities and all. A blind friend of mine used to have a little fun with people. When the question of “do blind people have sex?” would come up—and I’m really rather baffled as to how people think we couldn’t or why they’d think it’s okay to ask such a question in everyday conversation–she would smile innocently and ask her own question: “Well, my husband and I don’t have any children, do we?”

A caveat: I do believe child welfare is paramount, but I do not believe there is only one way to do anything, including parent. Furthermore, the uninvited intervention of social or legal service providers based only on the presence of disability is usually inappropriate, and is, I fear, the modern equivalent of controlling sexuality and reproduction through permanent or temporary birth control measures.

Let’s get back to our mythology, shall we? What of our deities of shame and independence. Shame, plus the negative messages given people about the acceptability of their bodies, means that lots of people don’t feel comfortable being sexual unless the lights are off. This doesn’t bode well for someone with a hearing impairment who needs to sign or read lips and watch body language to communicate, or to aid in communication. (Lots of people with hearing impairments can speak and hear speech, but they might have trouble doing so or feel more secure with other communication methods to back up their hearing.)

There’s also this idea that people should be able to do everything independently, including sex. So someone who uses a wheelchair or other mobility aid, who needs help in and out of bed, and even in changing position, can be made to feel disadvantaged, like they’re somehow a less able or interesting partner. Our deity of guilt makes sure that sex isn’t something that’s okay to talk about, making it difficult for disabled people with limited access to public places to ask someone else to help them go out to buy safer sex supplies or sex toys.

This is only a start. Since I began this piece talking about school, here are your assignments. Don’t worry, I’m doing them too.

What are some other beliefs about sexuality, positive or negative, and how do you think they would affect someone who is viewed as disabled or otherwise “other”?

How can we create a more balanced, positive, and inclusive mythology of sex (deity names not required, but certainly welcome)?

White Washed Communities

Posted by ShannaKatz on August 19, 2012

Aug 192012

When I hang out in my communities of “alternative sexuality” (read: folks that tend to identify as kinky, queer and/or non-monogamous), I see a sea of White. Not white as in contrast to the black of the leather, or the rainbow of gayness. No, I see lots and lots of Caucasian folks. And folks, this is a problem.

While I certainly don’t know each person’s racial identity, and I’m sure there are some people who may be read as White, and are not, the majority of people who are within the queer, kink and non-monogamous (or poly) communities are not People of Color. There are a slew of reasons as to this disparity, and occasionally, I’ll hear the lack of POCs brought up for a hot second…and then never hear about it again, unless something happens that brings it back to the conversation.

Why are communities that focus on alternative, other, or marginalized sexualities so overwhelmingly White? Well, first of all, there is that whole lovely White privilege bit. Our society is designed for, and for the most part, run by White people. As White folks (myself included), we are afforded a privilege based on the perceived color of our skin that means people don’t usually look at us and make snap judgments about how we are going to talk, our education level, our employment status, whether we use government assistance programs, whether we are in a gang, etc. While yes, we may have other marginalized identities, our most visible identity in most cases is our racial identity, and it acts as a flag for us to be in the “in” group or not.

Then there is the issue of cultural competency when People of Color do join our communities. The number of unintentional racists things I have heard while out and about in our communities is beyond ridiculous. Assuming that Asian women in the kink community of course want to play Geisha like roles. Intensive conversations around the word “slave” to assume Black folks that we’re not being racist. Treating the one or two POCs who show up like quota; “oh, our community is SO diverse – we have two People of Color who regularly attend our events!” Worse yet is the Ostrich with its head in the sand; “we’re colorblind and don’t see color. Race doesn’t matter in our community.” Way to ask people to check their identities at the door.

Some people are afraid to engage in M/s relationships with folks of color, especially Black folks. They are concerned that if they use the term Master with a Black person, or punish them, that they are some how reliving the oppression and slavery of the plantations. This is a great conversation to have, but one that rarely happens. Rather, many Black submissives or slave identified people have a hell of a time finding anyone to play with, because rather than own their shit and talk about the inherent racism in our society, many of the dominant identified folk just shy away.

So what do we do? How do we make our communities more welcoming to People of Color? How do we recognize our White privilege, check it at the door, and create safer spaces? What do we as communities need to do to become more culturally competent? And how do we facilitate conversations around race instead of pretending it doesn’t exist?

There are no easy answers, but these is most definitely a heck of a lot of work to be done. Let’s grab this horse by the reins, and get starting on diversifying our communities, and not just by saying we have one queer/kinky/poly Latina who happens to show up on a monthly basis.

If you were really submissive, you would…

Posted by Bendyogagirl on August 17, 2012

Aug 172012

I’ve noticed over my years in this fun-filled kinky world of ours, is that some of us grew into our kinks, while others have known since childhood. I fall into the latter category: had my first subspace experience in nursery school, in fact. It wasn’t a sexual encounter – I was the ‘patient’ in a Star Trek game. There were three boys and a girl, all pretending to take care of me – poking me. I had been told to lie perfectly still, as though I was dead, and I remember distinctly going into a trance-like state.

Oh, how I’ve been chasing that dragon!

It is my perspective that any claim of identity that works for me (and you) is right and correct unto itself. Call yourself a Master, because doing so empowers you? Go for it – doesn’t matter to me if you have a slave or not. Labels are tricky, of course. They are limiting, can create division, and when attached to identity – live in our cores.

My identity as submissive has been solid since I was a teenager… That is, until several years ago, when I came into Relationship with a dominant, the dynamic of which caused me to question my very identity – and not in a good way.

This is a man of honor and integrity. He’s brilliant, caring, self-aware, but he had this habit. Whenever I did or didn’t do something in the manner he expected, his words would come out as: “I would think if you’re really submissive, you would…”

The first few times he said that, my response was “well, I am submissive, and this is how I’m responding”. After a while, though, I began to question my self. I found myself having thoughts like “maybe he’s right. Maybe I’m not submissive” and “perhaps I’ve been wrong this whole time”… and mind you, this whole time (at the time) was decades.

In time, I came to understand that the ways he looks for submission – the behaviors, emotional responses and the like – aren’t ways that I manifest submission. Doesn’t mean I’m not submissive – just that I speak a different dialect of D/s than he.

I remember a day when he pointed to the ground and said: “be submissive”, and I was like (paraphrased) “Are you fucking kidding me? I submit in response. If you want me to submit to you, show me your dominance. Be strong. Have will and intent. I don’t just drop to the ground because someone tells me!” Or something like that…

Truthfully, I do drop to the ground.. sometimes with as little as a look, but with him? Nada. Just frustration on both our parts.

What a gift that moment was… I’m not sure I ever expressed how I experience my submission before that exchange. For me, to submit means to be in an energetic exchange with someone. I don’t submit in a vacuum. Submission isn’t my default setting. Nope. My default setting is pretty, well… dominant… or at least a setting that occurs in parity with those around whom I am.

This is what’s true for me. What’s true for others is wonderful and amazing and perfect. It’s just that even with distinctions like dominant, submissive, switch, master, slave, pony, etc… we are and will always be primarily oriented based on our own personal experience, and language has a really shitty way of expressing that.

My biggest take-away from that relationship was this: If the context I’m in has me growing, I stay. If the context in which I’m living has me shutting down and questioning the very parts of my self that (outside of that context) I know well, I leave. This is a parameter that I use in all my relationships: kinky, work, familial. It works for me.

In our community, I so often hear people talk about hard limits in terms of scat, kids, animals, and such. For me, my hard limits have started to sound more like “as long as I’m growing and waking up, Yes. If I shut down or dissociate, then possibly not so much”.

Lest y’all think that I’m suggesting the statement of ‘if you were really X’ only works from a dominant towards a submissive, think again. It could easily be worded “if you were really a dominant, you’d…” or “if you were really a switch you’d…”.

So how did things end up with the person in question? He’s been partnered for years with a delightful person who presents in a way that he experiences as submissive, and they are still going strong, and it works.

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