Naked Yoga-Ing in the Bedroom, Thursday at 8:00 pm

 Posted by on December 17, 2010
Dec 172010
 

By T.M. Bernard

I’ve always been intrigued by the bonding behaviors of couples; the flip of the hair, the sideway glances, the subtle touches on a sleeve, those hungry murmers on the dance floor. In my own relationship, I remember feeling wobbly the first time my then-boyfriend called me, “My Love.” Spoken in his impossible to place accent – a mixture reflecting his early years growing up in a British household with a French father, all while living in the Middle East – I was wholly enamored by the So-Not-American phrase. Immediately, it became our endearment, part proclamation of our feelings and part statement of who we are to one another.

Intuitively, it seems to me, that every aspect of human coupling is rooted in an ancient seduction dance. Watch primates in action to confirm what I write; they wink, nod, grunt and sigh in disarmingly familiar ways to humans when copulating. As for flirting, and dating and all those artifacts of culture that help unite boy with girl, and girl with boy (or other variations), are these not well-established processes and customs we follow in the pursuit of love and connection?

We communicate our needs; heal wounds, share secrets, and move emotional mountains with the sweetly placed touch or word. Our physical wishes are just part of it. Through these expressions of devotion, we pave the way for vulnerabilities and our secret selves to be revealed, using verbal and corporal language and cues to signal our desires. For the most part, though, it all takes place on a subconscious level.

What might it be like if we were to bring mindfulness into the picture, and create something new, a sacred sexual ritual, if you will, in the bedroom? For most of us, I suspect that the idea of ritualizing something about lovemaking feels strange and foreign. So why bother pushing that boundary?

Because rituals do more than establish bonds. I imagine how, with the right intention, they can shift our focus to being more present to the Now and in shared intimacies, and pave the way for creating unexpected capacities for joy, beauty, happiness and healing. And yes, they can be sexy too.

I admit that getting to that place of awareness isn’t always easy, even and especially in our primary love relationship, given our goal oriented culture as just one hurdle. We are programmed and socialized away from acknowledging or experiencing the ‘softer’ side of things, particularly men.

Nor do these practices develop overnight. You don’t read a manual one day and find yourself the next doing naked yoga in the bedroom, chanting secret messages that end in mutual surrender and orgasmic bliss. First, you have to start with the basics, like asking your partner to play along.

Can you imagine saying this to your beloved? “Hi Love, Will you Sit With Me and Gaze Into My Eyes…And Can We Do This Every Thursday Evening, Say Around 8 pm, After The Kids Go To Sleep?”

Better yet, can you imagine his or her response? Would he laugh? Would she cry? Would you find support, ridicule or astonishment? Do you find yourself already balking at the idea? Or running to the bedroom and leaving a trail of clothes…

All those responses tell you something about yourself and your relationship. In no way is there some right or wrong answer here. The idea of bringing what we do subconsciously and heartening it to the conscious mind, in a more formalized way, through the creation of a love ritual, however that may eventually evolve, is one that may work for some and not for others.

So far, what I know about creating these spaces and being mindful under the covers is that these practices aren’t about attaining some lofty position. You don’t suddenly find yourself in sexual nirvana. This is about the journey and a desire to create the right practice, if that is what you decide is the timely and necessary thing to do. It takes time and intention, a good bout of humor, tolerance, and possibly some physical flexibility, depending on how elaborate your practice becomes.

To be clear, I am not an expert on this, just intrigued by what this aspect of sacred sexuality can offer in the way of deepening intimacy. There’s research, and then there’s Research, the sensual homework of applying what we learn to our personal lives, so that we can say, yes, indeed, this is one love lesson worth undressing for.

Photo Credit: Samarel Erotic Art

T.M. Bernard is a regular columnist for Fearlesspress.com, Edenfantasies.com, ShareWIK.com, Greenprophet.com, among other sites. Be a dear and visit her at her blog, Modern Love Musings, where she writes delicious wrongs.

Beloved in Community

 Posted by on December 16, 2010
Dec 162010
 

By CK Persons

Baptism is sometimes misunderstood. Yes, the sacrament – a celebration of sacred mystery – has been reduced to a mere cultural event for many people. An infant gets baptized (water dripped on the head accompanied by the sign of the cross), and then s/he never again, for example, sees the inside of a church, learns how to pray, or acts in a way consistent with the ideals of Christianity. But such inconsistency is not always the case; baptism overflows with meaning for both the individual and the community. It is fundamentally a sacrament of initiation, and the accounts of Jesus’ baptism in the Jordan River reveal something critically important about baptism.

As a sacrament of initiation, baptism is a public welcome of a person into the universal Christian community. Local church community hospitality no doubt varies considerably. But there is a fundamental belief: at baptism one shares a profound connection with an internationally diverse community – and that link is identification with Jesus Christ. The baptism of Jesus communicates the core of the sacrament. According to Matthew, Mark, and Luke’s gospels (three of the four canonical, or official, gospels), Jesus hears the voice of God saying, “You are my beloved Son; with you I am well pleased” (Matt 3:17, Mark 1:11, Luke 3:22). Baptism is a recognition and celebration of a person’s inherent belovedness. Love permeates the person. And, as a result, each Christian is called to remember that every person is beloved – and to interact with everyone accordingly. Such awareness and follow-through are hardly easy but surely worthwhile.

Kink communities, clearly without the international structural supports of the various Christian Churches, also initiate their members. (Perhaps involving fluid and a cross too!) A person attends an event for the first time or is invited to a play party. The community welcomes that person – though the extent of welcome also varies. The welcome depends on the personality of the newbie but also, and even more importantly, on the particular manifestation of the kink community. Just as any Christian church must examine how it accepts its new members, so must any kink community. Kink communities are by no means standardized, which is part of their richness, delight, and appeal; but there is a vitally important feature of good communities: acceptance of the person no matter what the kink. (Obviously difficult given the vast range of kinks.) There are kink communities who put some church communities to shame in terms of levels of acceptance. For instance, those educators I know associated with KinkAcademy.com show that their tag line, Be Accepted, is not merely words. They take individuals seriously in their efforts to create a sexually hospitable place for people.

Creating quality communities of acceptance and love challenge even the greatest among us, but acknowledging and working to promote the inherent belovedness of each person helps the cause.

Poly is a Gateway Drug

 Posted by on December 13, 2010
Dec 132010
 

By Katie Diamond

This past Thanksgiving weekend, I got to spend time with one of my oldest friends. We got together at my parents’ house, and determined that we needed to relocate some place cozy and alcohol related. In the suburban depths of South Florida, we could find the alcohol, but not really the cozy—as we pulled into the parking lot of a huge flashy sports bar, I felt myself beginning to sink into my seat. I started to have minor panics about being a buzzed head butch dyke wandering into a large football-focused bar. We hopped out of the car, and I shook my head and muttered to my friend, “Oh, dear dear dear.”

From every angle, we could each see at least 20 large screen televisions; football helmets lined every possible flat surface; several sports games played on the large wall behind the bar. We sat down at a booth, and I turned to my friend, “Should we sit at the bar? We’re only grabbing drinks… Not as cozy, but…”

“Well, we could do that—but there are a bunch of dudes at the bar. Are you down with sitting next to men, Katie?”

The question confused me. I wondered if I heard her right—comfortable sitting next to men? That was when it dawned on me—my friend was operating under the High School Aged Dyke Katie. Not the Polyamorous Queer Katie model. She didn’t get the software upgrade.

“Oh, you… I haven’t told you? How long has it been since we’re really spoken about relationships? …I sleep with men now. Queer men, but I sleep with men. Cisgendered men.”

Needless to say, my friend, upon receiving the proper new Katie programming, was surprised. Actually, surprised into speechlessness.

This encounter got me thinking—sexuality really is fluid. I know this. But I hadn’t really considered what this fluidity might look like to someone perched outside my queer and poly community. I do think that I would have come upon my own growing sexual appetite in due time, but I think that its almost-vertical growth spurt can be attributed to my polyamory.

If it weren’t for my polyamory, my dyke identity might be more fixed. In my poly circles, and in my relationship, exploration of new things is strongly encouraged. We’re sex-positive, sexual beings who want to see our partners and lovers and friends engage in successful relationships… Rather than wonder why that dyke and faggot are making out in the corner, we instead silently applause and smile at each other knowingly—knowing that they’re enjoying themselves, and that they’re no less dykey or faggy for their current engagement.

I haven’t always been this on top of my own sexual identity. I used to think it really hinged on who I was doing what with. Here, allow me to illustrate:

(click to see enlarged)

The only constant I had as a budding young person was my lack of sexual interest in cisgendered men. When that an attraction bubbled up, it was confusing—not earth shattering, nor mind blowing. Just confusing in a way that rocked my boat: if my sexual identity is dyke, how can I want to do things with cisgendered men? What does that mean when I find myself attracted to transmen, transwomen, genderqueers?

The 15 year old Katie didn’t know that answer—my mind then came up with “ABORT MISSION ABORT MISSION ABORT MISSION”… Ten years later, 25 year old Katie is proud to be a queer dyke who can find anyone who’s intentional, smart, and well-meaning attractive, thanks to her polyamory.

Focus / Boundaries

 Posted by on December 12, 2010
Dec 122010
 

By Selina Minx

Even in the sex-positive community “boundary” remains a loaded word for many people. Most learn to define the word grudgingly after bad experiences have brought the concept to their attention in unpleasant ways. The challenge lies in the extremely subjective and personal nature of what a boundary is. Activities which turn one person on can be a complete turn off for other folks. Navigating these preferences successfully without communication is nearly impossible, yet everyone would prefer not to have to define their desire in this way. Many people are much more comfortable with non-verbal communication, and will try to convey their likes and dislikes through sounds, posture, stillness or gestures. People search and search until they find someone who seems to be able to anticipate their likes and dislikes without having the dreaded awkward conversation about boundaries. It’s all to protect themselves from the sometimes uncomfortable revelation of defining their desires and dislikes.

The BDSM and polyamorous communities have pioneered much better methods for having these conversations, including detailed questionnaires and interesting lists of possible activities which create a framework from which one can have rather juicy conversations. However the power dynamic in a relationship remains a major obfuscating factor. The extenuating conditions of dominance and submission, love and infatuation, needfulness and longing make it hard even to know one’s own boundaries. Furthermore, communicating boundaries under such circumstances is quite tricky. There is always the tendency to please those whom have power over you, often with the shadow expression of resistance following close behind. In a very real sense, pure communication unclouded by these issues is only possible between equals.

Let us consider the concept of boundaries in another context and see if it clarifies things. In visual art boundaries are a concept that has been completely explored, even turned upside down by modern art. Yet what defines great art has remained the same for millennia. Beauty. Anyone can see that the boundary of a painting is it’s frame, yet there are also more subtle artistic boundaries expressed in the choice of color, visual perspective and style. In music, the gross boundaries are expressed in the length of the piece, it’s beginning and end. More subtle boundaries are expressed through choice of instruments, dynamic range and style. Every great piece of music or art is defined by its boundaries.

Each masterpiece is delightful because of what it is, as well as what it isn’t.

A sexual encounter or a relationship, a BDSM scene or magickal ritual bear the same features. Defining a focus is the easiest way to create the effects you want to enjoy. By defining your desired outcome ahead of time, literally and physically separated from the complicating interpersonal factors of power, desire and need, it is much easier to clarify a focus and design an experience which will fulfill.

Magickally speaking, the Universe is a river of YES. It is much more effective to express focus in terms of what you DO want, as opposed to what you don’t want. Often, magick which is focused on NOT wanting something has the opposite effect, as the universe tends to send us where we are looking regardless of what we say. Creating a positive focus creates positive results. The magick of decrease is a powerful paradigm for effecting reductive change, but again goals must be stated positively to have the best effect. For instance “I am cutting cords with X” is much more effective than “I don’t want to be in love with X anymore.”

However things get more complicated when dealing with other human beings as opposed to pure energy. It is extremely valuable to be able to state clearly what you don’t want in the moment. Many people know they don’t want to do something, but feel nervous about communicating that on the spot. Practice really does make perfect here, practice stating your boundary out loud. Be comfortable saying “no, thanks” or even “Stop!” and “Don’t touch me”. It’s always ok to put the brakes on if you are feeling uncomfortable. Your discomfort is your early warning system to avoid bad experiences. Trust your instincts, and don’t be shy about speaking up. Practice really helps especially if you tend to feel submissive, or shy when you have to say something you think someone might not like.

Boundaries in music, art and magick make for a better experience. The same is true of vanilla sexual encounters. By adhering to boundaries which limit the possible activities it is possible to gain focus and experience a range of physical and emotional sensations well beyond the normal scope accessible through your garden variety man-on-top-fucking-till-orgasm paradigm. Flirting, teasing, extended foreplay, greater emotional receptivity and better orgasms await those who practice a little self denial.

The tantrists take very deep by creating extended ceremonies of sensuality, and even intercourse in which the goal of orgasm is completely set aside in favor of savoring the subtle energies which build up during worshipful union.

Celebrate your desires, your boundaries, your self. Make a commitment to sharing your being only the ways you feel completely happy with. With the huge variety of people and preferences on this planet, there is no need to feel bad about being selfish, especially when it comes to your body, time and energy. Know thyself, speak thy mind, reap satisfaction!

Blessings!

~ Ms SM

Dec 5 2010

Dungeon 9-1-1 (Seizures)

 Posted by on December 11, 2010
Dec 112010
 

By Dr. brian

There are reactions a Domme is after when they’re playing with a sub. Moans, screams and the distant look in a sub’s eye that signal their entry into subspace are all good. What happens when a Domme gets a more life-threatening reaction? What do you do if the person up on the Saint Andrews cross suddenly has a seizure and starts shaking uncontrollably? Call a Code Blue?

The first rule when faced with any emergency situation is to take your own pulse. Literally take a deep breath, stay calm and act decisively. Stress will send a huge dose of catecholamines rushing through your body and can cause you to lose the ability to think critically. That’s why it’s imperative to have a plan of attack for emergency situations.

The severity of a seizure’s symptoms can range from a staring spell, to a loss of consciousness, to the violent tonic-clonic activity of a grand mal seizure. Often patients will report an aura consisting of a strange sensation that precedes a seizure. These take the form of tingling sensations, emotional change or smelling an odor, such as burning rubber, that is not present. If you’re playing with someone that has epilepsy and they tell you they’re having an aura, it’s time to act fast.

Gran mal seizures involve a brief loss of consciousness that can last for one half to five minutes and is followed by muscle rigidity and posturing of the body lasting 20 seconds or so. The last most dramatic part of the gran mal seizure involves rhythmic alternating muscle contractions and relaxations that last one to two minutes. During the seizure loss of urine or stool control, biting the cheek or tongue, a clenched jaw, difficult breathing and cyanosis (turning blue) are not uncommon. The period after the seizure, the post-ictal state, involves the return of normal breathing, confusion, headache, sleepiness and drowsiness, amnesia about events surrounding the seizure, and weakness that can last for 24 to 48 hours. This weakness is called Todd’s paralysis.

When a person is seizing it is appropriate to get them as low as possible on the floor. Keep them away from furniture and things that they can knock into, but don’t try to restrain them. Loosen their clothing. Cushion their head and remove any solid or sharp objects they could injure themselves on. If at all possible get them into the recovery position (side lying with their head turned to the side). This will give them the best chance of keeping their airway clear and prevent aspiration (choking) on vomit should they throw up. Don’t try to put anything in their mouth. Contrary to popular lore it’s not possible to swallow your tongue and block your airway during a seizure. Don’t try to put any liquids or solids in the victim’s mouth during a seizure. They won’t have the ability to protect their airway and anything introduced could be aspirated. Monitor their breathing and wait for the seizure activity to end. Note the activity of the seizure from start to finish. This will be useful information for medical personnel afterwards.

Repetitive seizures that occur without a recovery period of consciousness are called status epilepticus. This is a potentially fatal condition. EMS should be activated for any seizure that lasts more than five minutes. More immediate medical attention is required if the victim fails to resume normal breathing after the seizure or injures themselves during the seizure. If the victim recovers from the seizure quickly, they should be supported, allowed to rest and then seek more routine medical attention when possible.

What’s this ”privacy”?

 Posted by on December 9, 2010
Dec 092010
 

By Rayne

Because of our dynamic, and the fact that writing about my life as a slave has become a major part of our life, I really don’t get much privacy. It starts at home, where the only time I’m allowed to close the door is when I’m going to the bathroom. And then, I can only expect M to stay out when I’m menstruating, or he knows I have to do more than pee. He says I’m completely welcome to keep those parts of myself to myself, and for that, I am grateful.

I’m required to share intimate details of my life with anyone in the world who knows what questions to ask or where to look. My masturbation techniques, most vulnerable moments, and humiliating mistakes are free to the general adult public at the click of a button. My face and naked body are posted on various sex-related websites. Only. My face and naked body are only posted on various sex-related websites. I’m kind of not safe for work, whether or not I have clothes on. I’ve kind of lost my brain-to-mouth filter, being able to say whatever I want in the places I spend most of my time.

Pretty much everyone we know, at this point, knows I review sex toys, and bring home a meager living writing for sex-related websites and e-zines, while M brings home the crux of our bacon working for an internet provider. If they don’t know, at the very least, that he controls the relationship, then they’re deaf and blind. My response to any invitation is, ”I’ll have to talk to M and get back to you.” When someone who knows I occasionally imbibe offers me a beer, or a cigarette, I always turn to M and ask if he minds. When friends ask if they can borrow something, or come visit, I always ask M what he thinks before answering. Usually within earshot.

I’m not allowed to keep the fact that I’m not in control a secret, and it would be almost impossible to do so without coming across rude. I mean, you can only say, ”Let me check my schedule and get back to you.” so many times, before someone gets the impression, however wrong it may be, that you’re trying to find something better to occupy your time. But when it comes right down to it, there’s no longer a need for me to hide my identity, profession or sexual proclivities in our immediate circle. So privacy hasn’t been much of an issue for me for quite some time.

There’s still the very real possibility that my budding career may just find M without a job if his bosses find my work. Our chosen lifestyle isn’t always accepted, and New York is an at will state. It would be silly, considering his company knows what I do, but morals aren’t always based on logic. That makes our openness with those in our immediate circle a little scary. It probably makes having my face splashed all over the internet a little stupid. But it really drives home that my life will never again be private.

Most of the time, that’s tons of fun. To think about all the people reading and being turned on by my sexcapades, or having their minds opened just a little bit. The folks who’ve written to tell me I’ve helped them, or to ask my advice in different areas. And it’s done wonders for our relationship. But sometimes…

Sometimes there are things that I want to keep tucked close to my breast. I know that if I puzzle them out in a blog post, or verbally vomit all over M, I’ll get through it faster, and when I’m done, M will have a better idea of which direction he should be steering me, but I want to figure it out for myself, damn it!

I mean, I should know pretty much all there is to know about being his slave, at this point, and I’m a grown woman, so I should be able to work through the ”What if…”s and ”That’s not fair!”s on my own.

Shouldn’t I?

Aren’t I cute, acting all indignant, and independent? As if I don’t fall to pieces, and get all sorts of angry when he refuses to, or can’t, help.

Infinite Power and Possibility

 Posted by on December 8, 2010
Dec 082010
 

By Mako Allen

When it comes to having power, it doesn’t matter if you’re dominant, or submissive. Trust me on this: you are the most powerful being in the entire universe.

You can literally do anything. You can use this power to do great good, and despicable evil to anyone, even yourself. Where did you get this power? You’ve always had it, because just like me, you dear reader, are one with the Tao.

The Tao is like a well:

used but never used up.

It is like the eternal void:

filled with infinite possibilities.

It is hidden but always present.

I don’t know who gave birth to it.

It is older than God.

To even begin to understand your power as part of the Tao, realize that it is infinite, eternal, everlasting. As you sit at your computer reading this column, the Tao is that computer, as well as your fingers on the keys. It’s the electricity passing through the machine, which lights the pixels on the screen that make these words. It’s even the very words themselves. It’s the last thought you had, the next breath you will take, as well as every other thing that ever is, was or will be.

All that is, is the Tao.

This is a powerful concept, and so immense that it’s almost impossible to wrap your mind around it. To make it worse, the Tao hides while it shows itself, everywhere. You can’t measure it, can’t count it, and can’t stop it. It’s an ageless power, which existed long before man ever spoke a single word.

But if you understand the Tao’s power, it’s yours to use. I don’t mean that abstractly either. Using this power you can manifest all the joy, creativity, time, energy and even money you’ll ever need. The more you use Tao’s power, the more of it there is.

To use the power, you have to change your perspective. See yourself as part of the infinite, eternal Tao. When you do, you’ll understand your problems differently.

They shrink, becoming the transient, brief markers of change.

At the same time, your power to do anything increases, and you gain access to a vast array of resources.

Let’s take a real world example of this: being a submissive and wanting to find someone to dominate you.

Every kinky person I know has gone through the “I am weird, and there’s no one like me” phase, including me. In fact, I went through it multiple times!

First, back when I was in my teens, I harbored a secret shame over my desire to be spanked.

I was miserable. What I was doing was engaging in a form of fatalism. I wrote myself a self-fulfilling prophecy of doom, shame, and unhappiness. “I’m lonely, my life stinks, and it will never get any better,” was the script I wrote for myself.

And it was true, because I was making it so. I was blind to all the power and resources waiting for me, provided by the Tao. I was grinding myself under my own oppressive boot heel.

But when I’ve opened myself up to Tao’s power I’ve been able to use it to my advantage.

I began to explore the scene community while I was in college. From the very first exploratory conversations with people, and forays onto the Internet, I began to see that I wasn’t alone. I stopped seeing the world as against me. The Tao provided me with a direction, to seek out others like myself.

After graduation, I began to meet lots of people through the local kink community, including kinky couples. While it was a great experience, seeing people living life on their own terms, it made me incredibly jealous. I wanted someone whose fetishes and interests matched mine, to share my life with. I slipped into that trap of fatalism again, because of my profound envy. I wanted what they had so badly, and never thought I’d find someone for myself.

But then I tapped into Tao’s power again, and saw that I was lucky to have these people as my friends. They played with me, and cared about me. Moreover, I discovered connections I had to people, places, and resources through those friends. I made dozens of friends in the Washington DC and Baltimore BDSM community.

By opening my eyes to the power at my command, I was able to use it to go new places, grow in new ways. I’ve had many beautiful, wonderful, kinky relationships since that time.

I have four polyamorous partners, and an abundance of kinky friends. I can’t even count the number of people who have spanked me, or whom I’ve spanked.

The truth about suffering is that all suffering is limited, and transient.

Ever notice how the last fifteen minutes of your workday on a Friday feels like it moves slower? You’re making it move slower. That same effect is true about your patience to find a dominant to tie you up, or get that beating you’ve been craving.

Slow down, breathe, and realize that that moment of frustration isn’t forever. The crushing weight of despair you feel today will fade over time. When considered from the even longer perspective of the Tao, it will dwindle to invisibility very rapidly.

When you realize that you’re part of something that is everlasting, and can think in that “universal time”, you can see you’re moving along at just the right pace.

The truth about power and resources is that everything you need is actually already around you.

Any change you want to make in your life you can. The frustrations or despair you might feel about any situation are just your transient, self-centered ego, trying to limit the Tao, which is impossible. Instead of giving in to that nay-saying voice, or trying to argue with it, practice silence. Let your inner voice rage in despair, and then be quiet. Then turn and see the limitless power available to you to have, do, change, or be… anything.

Mr. Judgy Pants

 Posted by on December 7, 2010
Dec 072010
 

By Amethyst

One of my profiles (which happens to not be a kink site) lists a few quotes from some of my favorite fandoms and encourages messages from people who can identify those quotes. I got a message from a guy who identified three or four out of six quotes, claimed he read my whole profile and was intrigued, and asked for a message back.

I check out his profile. I am thoroughly confused. He is Judgy Judgerson McJudgetown. He is disdainfully and disparagingly anti-kink, anti-bisexuality, anti-poly, and pretty much anti-everything in my life – which is displayed all over my profile. I cannot imagine what in my profile attracted him or who he has mistaken me for. We couldn’t be less suited for each other if lives were at stake.

I know this should be the end of the story. I know that the next sentence should read, “And then I deleted his message and never thought about Judgington O’Judgely ever again. The End.” But,

I’d promised myself I would respond to all polite messages – a policy I have since re-thought. In a move to be filed under “No good can come of this,” I answered and explained that we would not be communicating further because he was judgetastic. The Judgimator responded to me, berating me for my ideals and opinions. Furthermore, Judge Jefferson went on to explain that no one asked what I thought, because he doesn’t value the opinions of “an ignorant whore who sleeps with anything that moves.” I can only conclude that he must be immobile.

I struggled to find a lesson learned here. I came up with two things. 1) Judge-a-matron 3000 reminded me how easy (and usually pointless) it is to judge people. 2) The experience illustrated how important it is not to assign too much value to the opinions of random people on the internet.

There’s an inherent amount of judging that happens on dating sites of any kind. When we put profiles up, we do open ourselves to judgment. And when we read other people’s profiles, we judge, at the very least, their potential fitness as a match for us. But when that necessary evaluation spills over into wholesale conclusions about a person’s entire life, we need to take a step back. We can take neither ourselves nor the universe of potential partners too seriously. If we decide to dismiss a particular person, it’s probably not necessary to provide them with a catalog of our reasons – and certainly not rudely. Similarly, if we are rejected by someone, healthy self-esteem will hopefully have us recognize it for what it is: a mismatch with one person. In most cases, a person’s suitability (or lack thereof) is fairly independent of that person’s overall quality as a human being. It’s true for me, you, that person who’s profile you just read, and pretty much everyone out there. Except Mr. Judgy Pants. He was an idiot.

Kinky Gift Giving Guide

 Posted by on December 5, 2010
Dec 052010
 

By Princess Kali

Since becoming more familiar with the blog world, one of my favorite things this time of year is everyone posting their gift recommendations, so of course I had to get in on the fun!

I’ve been involved in the adult industry for 10 years and I have to admit, I’ve been a pretty big shopper the whole time. Due to being a professional dominatrix I have been able to try out a wide variety of products from vendors all over the world. I have developed some particular favorites that I’d like to share with you, these are all my personal recommendations.

– Looking for some sexy vintage lingerie for yourself or your partner (or well, both of your enjoyment ;) Check out Girdle Bound for a huge selection with a great range of sizes. They feature affordable prices and a wide range of colors and styles. Check out their promotional video on Kink Academy to enjoy a tour of their wares.

– Though NJOY is on most bloggers love list, I can’t help but include them, their stainless steel sex-toys are so top-of-the-line that I know I would be remiss if I left them off. Each of the styles is worth every penny, and if you have a size queen on your gift list, then you will be the holiday hero with the NJOY Eleven

– If you’re looking to explore the world of BDSM and expand your bedroom skills, then a membership to Kink Academy would make a wonderful gift, either for yourself or your partner. I admit, I am the founder of the site, so I recognize that I’m biased…but it’s such an amazing resource for such an absurdly low price (which won’t last forever!) that it really is the gift that keeps on giving.

– My favorite place to buy floggers and all kinds of specialized whips is Details Toys* and their rose flogger is a particularly special gift for the holidays’.

– Another great kinky toy (and so classic) is the cane, and I never buy from anyone but Canes 4 pain where you can find basic canes, or customized works of art (that can leave lovely welts on your lovers body!).

– More into restraint than pain? Then check out Leather By Danny for all your bondage needs. I have been a big fan for years and featured his products as one of our earliest ‘favorite vendor’ on Kink Academy, see the clip here

– A popular gift (and an incredibly meaningful gift for many) is a collar, and Liquid Nymph has a beautiful selection of frilled, lace, beaded and decorative options.

– Or, consider getting tickets to a fabulous kinky play event where you can socialize, go to classes and generally have a wonderful time. I highly recommend the Dark Odyssey events in the DC area, registration is now open for their February event Winter Fire so you can get discounted rates for a limited time. Their events are well worth the cost and make for a great experience together!

– Last but certainly not least, you can take the anti-consumerist route and make a donation to a worthy non-profit to celebrate the holidays. Donate to Scarleteen and help keep the best sex-education site for young adults afloat. Or make a donation to NCSF which fights for the rights of consenting adults to enjoy BDSM, swinging and polyamorous lifestyles.

All of these businesses and non-profits are run by individuals or a small dedicated team of people. All of them work to create quality products and offer excellent customer service, and in this age of huge corporations it can be extra fulfilling to support entrepreneurs and small personally owned and managed businesses.

*None of these companies/organizations have asked me to post, nor do I profit from any affiliates (with the exception of the Kink Academy which I mentioned above). These are my genuine, personal recommendations.

Address Etiquette for the 21st Century

 Posted by on December 4, 2010
Dec 042010
 

By Shanna Katz

As the holiday season near approaches, we have hit the mother load of assumptions about relationships. Where do these said assumptions often pop up? Why, in the addressing of holiday cards and party invites.

I know, this sounds like it may be a nit-picky type of rant, but I’m sick of having my own relationship not-acknowledged, having friends whose identities are lost in the way things are addressed, etc. I mean really, why are the Ms/Mrs/Mr/Dr/God of Thunder and Lighting honorifics really so ridiculously necessary?

Let’s take gender for a moment. You’re addressing a letter to Jamie Smith and Taylor Jones. Why the heck does it need to be Mr. Smith and Ms. Jones? Actually, given the commonality of these names, you’d actually do much better to address your letter to: Jamie Smith and Taylor Jones. Using the honorifics does nothing for anyone except place a gender identity on each of them that they do not always fit. How do you address something to a genderqueer friend or family member, or moreover, how do you even KNOW, for SURE, what honorific fits someone’s gender at a given time? For the most part, you just don’t.

How about Mrs vs Ms. I know many a woman (self-identified) in committed relationships (legally married and otherwise) who absolutely HATE being addressed as Mrs. To many, it seems as if their status in the world has been relegated to nothing more than being the partner/wife of someone else, usually a man. Think about it; when one is married, Ms becomes Mrs, but nothing happens to Mr. I remember thinking about it as a child, and wondering why men were so special that they didn’t have to change their name, or get a new title. Even if someone is married, AND shares the same last name, why not address it to Mary Smythe and Johnnie Smythe, or Mary Smythe and Dr. Johnnie Smythe (if titles like Dr. are important to you). Addressing things to Dr. and Mrs. Smythe or Mr and Mrs. Johnnie Smythe again take away that individuals’ identity.

Now, for some people, etiquette of the more traditional variety is incredibly important to them. That’s acceptable. However, making assumptions for people is not. If you’re not sure whether Mr, Ms, Sir, etc is appropriate for a person, please do not guess; ask. Just drop them an email or a phone call and ask what honorific they’d prefer to be used, and please remember that their choice might be “none.” That’s ok too. Wouldn’t you rather someone feel that you cared about their identities than have their gender shaken when they get a letter addressed to an honorific that doesn’t represent them?

Lastly, let’s talk relationships. Sure, if you want, you can send a card/invite to each person in a relationship, or even put “Shanna Katz and escort/partner/lover.” On the other hand, many people have no idea how good it feels to have your non-traditional (ie, non-hetero, kinky, or poly) relationship acknowledged. This means that mail comes to me addressed as Shanna Katz and My Partner’s Name. It validates us even more as a couple. I can still remember the first piece of mail that came to us addressed as such – it was a letter from Obama. Nothing big, no, but I remember it because I felt SEEN as a couple, instead of “Shanna Katz, plus one.”

I hear all the time to stop getting down to semantics, and am told that language isn’t that big of a deal. But the thing is that YES, for some people, language and semantics can make the difference between feeling good and validated, and feeling gross and having their gender/relationship policed. So as you get ready to address all the holiday mail that will soon be flying across the post office desks, think about what you’re writing, and how it will be read.

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