Fluctuating Identity #1

 Posted by on June 22, 2011
Jun 222011
 

By Shanna Katz

This interview is with Euphoria, a young woman who identifies as having fluctuation in her identities. I think it is important to include identities that may not be as definite, fleshed out, or as solid as others. Many of us have fluid or fluctuating identities, or may continue to discover more of our identities as we explore and challenge ourselves. Thanks Euphoria, for explaining a bit about the fluctuation that occurs in your identities.

This interview is about your fluctuating identity…What are some other identities of yours:

I am a young mother, already divorced and ready to marry again. I’m a roller derby girl, a student, a model on the weekends, a reader, a writer, an avid movie critic, and so much more!

Define your fluctuating identity – what does it mean to you, how long have you had this identity, how was the process of getting there?

I am coming to terms/figuring out the most recent epiphany, which would change my already queer identity into a ”poly queer-romantic asexual”. This isn’t the first change, and I’m sure it’s not the last. All I know is that with each epiphany I have, I become more specific and feel more justified and solid as a person.

I think that fluxuation for me has been a constant state since childhood. I was always some kind of different. I liked things that I thought that everyone liked, but apparently not. I discovered the kink world when I was in my early teens, and ran wildly (albeit for legal reasons, limitedly) with it until I was old enough to attend parties and dinners on my own. Through the kink world I discovered that my ways of thinking and acting were ok. There’s a whole culture similar to it! People understand me! Though the parties came when I was over 20, I had my first change in sexual identity in my senior year of high school. I had my first girl crush, which became a major love of mine. I had dreamed about girls a lot in jr. high school despite being raised a strict Christian, and was taught that homosexuality was wrong. I knew I felt differently about girls and boys, and that I could appreciate a good looking girl, but not feel attracted in any other way. This girl was a slap to the face. She woke me up. But it was still really conflicting, not being gay, but liking a girl. I sure wasn’t bi-sexual either; she was the only girl I had ever been attracted to. Maybe a fluke incident?

Later, after getting into the kink scene and moving across the country, I met another girl. With her, I discovered polyamory, and heteroflexibility. These were both MAJOR changes in my life. I loved and still love this girl very much for going through those changes with me. It was both of our first times being in a relationship outside of our respective male mates. I found out that attraction doesn’t have to be equal to matter in one’s identity. I like men. I like girls, sometimes. I’m NOT a bi-sexual. I really relaxed, like a weight lifting off my shoulders when I found out that heteroflexibility is a REAL THING, just like I did when I found out that there was a kink community. I’m not just weird! Queer came along a little later, once I felt I settled into heteroflexibility, but felt that it was leaving out possibilities for attraction. I wanted a more general and stronger word. This also was because, honestly, try googling heteroflexibility. If I’m not talking to a person who is sexually educated, and they try to search for the answer to it on their own, they are going to think that I take my sexual identity like a joke. After so much evolving and changing and thinking and applying, why would I want that?

For the most recent change/fluctuation, I am still thinking and looking for the answer. I had an epiphany a couple weeks ago about myself. It came from thoughts that I have on a daily basis, and discussions I have with my partner(s) daily. I don’t care about sex. I don’t want it, I don’t look for it, I don’t have an attraction to it, I feel like it’s a chore. It is not to say that I don’t like it or that I don’t enjoy it on occasion. I have a (rare) sex drive, but the underlying feeling about sex–the pure indifference…I was lying in bed and thought to myself ”what is asexuality? am I asexual?” Asexuality, despite what people think, does not mean no sex drive. Asexuality means the lack of sexual attraction. I feel attracted aesthetically or romantically to people, but not sexually. I want relationships, I want to be close to people, I just don’t care/am not interested about sex.

I don’t know if this is the last fluctuation on my way to feeling whole, but I do feel close, and that’s more than I’ve ever had.

Talk about some of the language surrounding this identity – what terms do you like/dislike?

To focus on the latest fluctuation, I like the term romantic-asexual. It describes a person that wants or feels drawn to having a meaningful emotional relationship. Like I said earlier, the phrase that feels most complete to me is ”polyamorous queer-romantic asexual” which means a person that can hold multiple meaningful relationships of a nonsexual type with whatever sex or identity they feel attracted to, without requiring sex. ME. Very specifically me.

Terms I do not like: libidoist/non-libidoist. All communities, even minorities seem to come up with ways to exclude each other. Elitism exists no matter where you go or how persecuted/separate you are from the rest of the world. A libidoist is an Asexual that has a sex drive. A non-libidoist is one that does not. WAR ensues. Further descriptors of language can be found here.

What are some common questions you get about this identity? How do you answer them and how do they make you feel?

Common questions… What am I? Am I gay? Am I bi? Do I like sex? Am I going to call off my wedding? Do I love my fiancé?

I answer these calmly. I’m not sure what I am, but I’m getting there. I’m not gay, and I’m not bi.

I like sex sometimes, I just don’t want it. I love my fiancé and want to spend my life with him, which is why I made the choice to marry him, I am NOT going to give that up because I don’t like sex. And more importantly to me, neither is he.

What are some of the positives of having this identity?

I sure do get to experiment as much as myself and my partner are comfortable with. I was very sheltered, and made to feel ashamed of sexual feelings or sexual identity. I don’t now. It’s wonderful and freeing, and the best thing is that I get to figure myself out and get to feel comfortable with it.

What are some of the struggles that have come along with this identity?

The figuring myself out and feeling comfortable with it! I’ve never had to question, nor have I ever thought to. Plus, I’ve never been comfortable with myself, so this is a huge step for me and a huge challenge.

How does this identity fit or not fit with your other identities?

It doesn’t really play too much of a part. I’m social only in the kink circles. I don’t have many close friends outside of them, so i don’t have to hide or flaunt what I’m going through. As a mother, I will have to make decisions on raising my (our) children, but doesn’t every parent? As a partner, I have twice (or three or four times) as much communication and discovery to get through. That is challenging.

How do you feel this identity is received in the sexuality and/or sex positive communities?

In the sex-positive communities, I have never been turned away. I’ve been very fortunate to be welcomed with open arms and open minds. I hope that this will continue as I change and learn more.

What else do you want people to know about this identity?AVEN faqs

For Polyamory, loving multiple people does NOT take away from the love you feel for any other person. You have an infinite capability to love. It’s like saying that one second in this lifetime takes away from one second in the next, or two down. or three.
Also, words don’t mean everything. You can be an asexual and have a sex drive. You can be polyamorous but only be in one relationship. You can be queer and be hopelessly in love with a straight member of the opposite sex. You are what and how you feel you are, even if it’s only as long as it takes to get to the next epiphany!

Kink Under Duress

 Posted by on June 21, 2011
Jun 212011
 

By Jay Morgan

As humans, we possess a complex set of emotions, unique to each of us and our environment. Sometimes we are not always in the mood for being a sadistic top, loving bottom, or stern taskmaster. Emotional involvement, financial obligations, kids, exes, and career aspirations all become the monkey wrench in our intimate, kinky lives. Stress causes us to react to emotions instead of acting on them rationally. A coworker, traffic, or things happening unexpectedly, can cause all sorts of unwanted emotions that cloud our judgement. This emotional hurricane can wreck all sorts of havoc on a kinky relationship.

We are repeatedly being beat upon by the flogger of life, and it can take its toll on the libido. As so many young delta musicians sang “I got them blues today”

We each have our own unique way of dealing with adversity; Some drink to forget, some obsess over work, some point fingers of blame. Perhaps some might even manipulate their partner coercively, withholding sex to force their partner to give them what they want.

A relationship without the extra layer of kink added is complicated enough for couples in this situation. Decisions have to be made, compromises have to be hammered out; at times it seems relationships take as much negotiation as it does to get a bill through Congress.

Sometimes we have to hang up our hang-ups to deal with life.

Kink is a very giving activity. It may seem superficially that it is entirely self-centered or narcissistic, but it takes two, or more. It takes the willingness to give of yourself to fulfill someone else’s needful desire. The experience can easily take a detour into drama country if a partners feelings are insulted, or their focus is elsewhere.

Giving requires acceptance. In a top/bottom dynamic there is an expectation of fulfillment. The top provides direction, structure, and encouragement, and the bottom fulfills their desire to please. They utilize the structure created to please themselves, as well as their partner.

That is where things become a bit tricky. Being selfless enough to get out of your own head and enjoy what your partner is giving can seem difficult to impossible depending on your stress level or degree of distraction. It may not start out the way you imagined, but it ends up being an energizing experience. There are times when being selfless requires letting go, giving the person space, or providing a distraction from whatever current turmoil might be happening.

Being kinky, or feeling the need to be kinky, can be overwhelming at times. Once you and your partner have tasted the ecstatic, erotic delights of say, predicament bondage, you may feel that “regular” sex is dull. Putting pressure on the relationship to attain some superhuman-like kinky quality is asking a bit much of the average person.

We choose how to act on the emotions that batter us. We can chose a more positive course of action, instead of just RE-acting to the negative emotions. When partners are not forthcoming with each other, or choose to focus on the negative ‘what if’ scenarios, then the kink will sour and the relationship will fail. Regardless of anyones recreational proclivities, focusing on imagined or perceived injuries will only smother the other person.

A balance has to be found when we commit our lives to any individual. Balancing time, interest, and commitment takes work. Effort is required in any successful endeavor. Relationships are no different.

Passion

 Posted by on June 20, 2011
Jun 202011
 

By Julian Wolf

What drives you? What do you find yourself thinking about every day? How do you spend your time? In what do you invest your money? For some of us, the answers to these questions are easy to articulate. In my case for example, I would say I am driven by my passions and then name and elaborate on the details of those passions.

What is passion exactly? The Oxford Dictionary defines passion several ways, the fourth definition is the one that we’re going to use, an “intense desire or enthusiasm for something” and that’s exactly what this column will be discussing. What do you desire? What enthuses you? Most of us spend hours every day working, both for ourselves and for other people. Is your work something that you’re passionate about? Even if what brings you a “paycheck” is not something that you’re passionate about, most of us manage to do things that feed us in ways other than the literal. Our passions certainly vary. In the vanilla realm, some of the most common passions include hobbies such as gardening, working on cars, arts and crafts.

Sports is another common “hobby” that many are passionate about, and not just those who actually play the sport they’re interested in. Photography is another “hobby” that reaches many. We travel to interesting locations and always take a camera with us, landscapes seem to be of particular interest to my family. My household was completely passionate about the care of our exotic pet, and we devoted a great deal of time to his care, feeding and amusement. Caring for animals is something that many are passionate about, and some of their passion develops into volunteerism. Volunteerism in itself can be a passion, and that certainly can lend itself to more than our vanilla lives.

Passion is a particularly attractive state of mind, in my opinion. Passion is something that I seek out, in a variety of forms. This is a somewhat common practice, though not everyone recognizes it as such. Having similar passions, particularly when they mesh up in the more erotic aspects of life, can be a base for a relationship. Friendships are frequently based in people sharing similar passions, as our communities. Keeping that passion alive in relationships and within a community can sometimes be challenging, particularly when ones gets to a point that is sometimes called “going through the motions.” Reminding yourself of why you’re there and making sure that you’re feeding the passions that put you there in the first place is an exercise that I recommend engaging in regularly.

As a hedonist, I’m passionate about experiencing life to its fullest. As a dandy, I’m passionate about dressing for events and the little details that can make an outfit extraordinary. As an activist, I’m passionate about making our world a better place to be authentic in. As a kinkster and a fetishist, I’m passionate about connecting and playing with other passionate kinksters and fetishists. As a person, I’m passionate about family and all the forms that family takes in my life.

Dear readers, let me propose that you take a moment away from the hustle and bustle of every day life and consider your passions, and if you are living them, hopefully celebrating them. Ask yourself the aforementioned questions, and give yourself permission to be completely honest with the answers. This exercise has the potential not be the most pleasant moment alone with yourself, but it can certainly change your life for the better. I encourage you to reward yourself for taking the time. In fact, let me also propose that you set up your reward in advance, so you have something delightful (and may I suggest hedonistic) to look forward to.

Enjoy yourself.

The Best of the Worst of Times

 Posted by on June 19, 2011
Jun 192011
 

By GrayDancer

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, count yourself lucky.

But I’m betting most of you do. Life is pretty messy, after all, and it’s not always as easy as finding your wife in bed with the gardner, or the traditional lipstick-on-the-collar. It’s not as neat as a shouting match and a hastily packed suitcase or as satisfying as a slammed door.

Life is not that tidy. That is why we have classes on communication, books on healing, seminars on communication. We learn to use non-violent techniques like mirroring (“What I’m hearing you say is…”) or even that magic healing phrase “What I need to hear you say is…” We are told about the crappy ways to break up, like showing up at a public event with someone else, or texting “KTHXBAI” after you’ve already moved in with the hot redheaded masseuse. I even read an article recently that explained how to change your Facebook status more gracefully, to avoid the deluge of “OMG! SORY2HERE!” and “likes” sticking their annoying thumbs-up at your pain.

You may have been through this before, and remember the way hindsight bias kicks you in the ass, the “shoulda-known-better” or the classic “That was the last time we fucked/scened/ate ice cream?” Relationship coaches try to comfort us by telling use that nothing lasts forever, that we should value what was and not let it be tarnished by what wasn’t and even more to avoid the what-might-have-beens.

Fucking assholes. As if that helps.

You can be careful. You can realize, when that tipping point occurs between “I can make this work” and “I can’t take any more”, that any procrastination is at best laziness and at worst deception. Maybe you’re lucky and the last few interactions were enjoyable, and so you try to do everything “right”. You take the time to break the news to your partner in person, in a space where they are comfortable, with time set aside both to talk to them after and to be with yourself. Hell, you might even manage to not bullshit or pussyfoot around the subject, and use first-person statements to take responsibility for the crap-ton of hurt you are about to heap on yourself and this person you love but can’t love.

It’s bullshit. Well, it’s not, really, but don’t fool yourself. In the end, it won’t matter much.

That’s what they don’t tell you, whether it’s Cosmo or Thich Nhat Hanh or Sarah Sloane. You can do everything exactly the way you’re supposed to, and it will still suck. The best of the worst of times is still the worst of times.

Your ego will still vacillate between second-guessing and laying a guilt trip, even while your super ego tries to stoically logic on through the “right” decision and your id just screams about all the magnificent sex you’re giving up. The first time they say “Get out!” you’ll want to because that would make it all easy, but we’re trying to do things right, remember, so instead you stay, and try to bring the two of you to some mythical place of “understanding.” The second time they say “You need to leave” you get a little closer to actually doing it, but when they collapse against a wall, crying, it still might feel cowardly, a bit douchey, because there is a part of you that doesn’t want to be responsible, that wants to escape this world of pain you’ve created. But you stay, positioning yourself in the classic non-violent cooperative conversation posture, same level, non-confrontational, and I’m telling you it doesn’t help at all.

Because the third time they tell you to leave, accompanied by the threat of throwing things, it won’t matter that you did everything “right”. It won’t matter that you kept your temper in check, that you used positive language. Yeah, you were honest, yeah, you were true to yourself and yeah, you may even be doing what you know is right for the both of you.

Yippee-fucking-skippee for you. You’ll still walk away feeling like crap. You’ll still keep looking over your shoulder, worried that a weeping now-former partner might be following. You’ll still worry when the ambulance goes by in the opposite direction about what your words might have caused.

A long time ago, at an event in Florida, Mollena Williams and I had the mother of all miscommunications and damn near ruined our friendship. We managed to get some face-to-face time, work through the issues, and sat there in the hotel room, staring at each other as our individually self-righteous adrenaline rushes subsided. She looked at me, and said “You know, we teach this shit. You’d think we’d be better at it.”

But we’re not. No one is. No matter how much you do right, it’s still going to suck.

Don’t fool yourself. There is no easy way out of the necessary pain of love and the end of love. You always pay, one way or another.

Know the Moon

 Posted by on June 18, 2011
Jun 182011
 

By Mako Allen

Lao-tzu often said that words get in the way of understanding. While words are needed for communication, their use is problematic. Words separate you from the immediacy of the world around you. There’s a Japanese saying I’m fond of, “the finger which points to the moon is not the moon.”

Verse 10

Can you hold on to your ego

and still stay focused on Tao?

Can you relax your mind and body

and brace yourself for a new life?

Can you check yourself

and see past what’s in front of your eyes?

Can you be a leader

and not try to prove you’re in charge?

Can you deal with what’s happening

and let it happen?

Can you forget what you know

and understand what’s real?

Start a job and see it through.

Have things without holding on to them.

Do the job without expectation of reward.

Lead people without giving orders.

That’s the way you do it.

In this verse, Lao-tzu asks you to do seemingly impossible things. All the contradictory things he asks have something in common: duality. The particular duality in question distinguishes you, the reader of this column from every other thing, idea, person, or circumstance in the universe.

But thinking in a paradigm of duality is like being in a battle: you against… everything! It’s not really a battle you can ever win, either. Let’s look at all the different ways you can lose it.

You can concern yourself with your own accomplishments. You can focus on your own deficiencies, finding fault with what you’ve done before, or may yet do. You can work hard to convince others that your way of doing or understanding something is the right way, the only way to do it. You can expend huge effort in an attempt to make a certain change in the world.

By doing any of these things, you make a crucial mistake. You remove yourself from the moment. In reality, there is only this moment, and only this place.

Lao-tzu knew this, and saw things differently, in a way that understands and encourages unity, instead of duality. The truth is that we are all one in the Tao, together, right now. When you know this, when you live it, it makes you fluid, powerful, flexible, and responsive.

Unfortunately, duality is all over the place in kink, and is an easy trap to fall into. There are just tons of these “either-or” binary stereotypes that kinky people buy into. For example:

There’s the binary of kinky OR vanilla, separating US from THEM.

There are Old Guard players versus the new age/new wave.

There are people who identify as Gorean, versus those who don’t.

Closer to home, personally, I’ve seen adult babies versus diaper lovers, as well as sexual age players versus nonsexual ones. Heck, I’ve participated in that sort of rigid, codifying, limiting crap!

Years ago, right after I’d gotten involved in the scene, I was deeply entrenched in it. Most of my friends were kinky, and almost 100% of my social life. I was totally drinking the kool-aid about how anything and everything to do with kink was good, while anything vanilla was bad. During one late-night discussion a kinky friend of mine pointed out to me that missionary-position vanilla sex is still sex.

It was like a slap in the face, and one I needed. I realized that I had been defining myself in opposition to other people. “Look, I’m enlightened and sexually adventurous, unlike those vanilla people.” Intolerance, in any form, and against anyone, is still just as ugly.

It’s such an easy, tempting trap to label yourself in counterpoint to someone and something else. But when you do that, you aren’t really seeing that other person, idea, or concept. You’ve stopped looking at it, and slapped a label on it, a judgment. It’s an act of vanity, pride, and honestly, stupidity. When you judge like that, it’s as if you say, “Look, I know everything there is to know about this, and now I will pass my absolute judgment upon it.” Sounds pompous and unpleasant, doesn’t it?

Thankfully, it’s an easy habit to unlearn. Be open and receptive to new ideas, new relationships, new people, and new actions. Approach your life with a sense of adventure, and pay attention to things as they happen. Don’t stay hidebound in some expected result. Instead, be bold, and see where it takes you. Recognize that the result that happened yesterday may not be the one that happens today. Do things for the joy of experiencing them. And instead of bossing people around, act in the way you think is best, and allow people to profit from your example, if they choose to do so.

Stop pointing at the moon, and know it.

Conceal

 Posted by on June 17, 2011
Jun 172011
 

By Lucy Lemonade

Being a larger woman I have battled body image issues throughout my life. When I got involved in the kink community I worried about how I would handle these issues. Fetish clothing is usually tight to the body and much more revealing than I’ve been comfortable with in my “vanilla” life. Do they even make black rubber dresses higher than a size 12?

I managed to find outfits I found acceptable, though I wouldn’t consider them fetish clothing. I attended my first public events in low cut tops, leggings and tightly fitted skirts. The reaction was positive. I got compliments that raised my confidence levels. I hadn’t expected to be so easily accepted into the community. At that time I was flirting with a more submissive mindset. When my desire turned toward a dominant role, something about this style of dress began to feel odd to me despite that acceptance and new found confidence.

My body hugging attire felt like it was taking power from me, instead of offering me power. My clothes were screaming “Look at me, approach me!” I have always enjoyed having a certain mysterious nature. This was not exactly the message I wanted to send. I wasn’t looking to repel people. However I wanted people to approach me like a lady and have more etiquette. As antiquated as that may sound. I like manners, even though I do tend to swear like a sailor!

If I want people to approach me like a lady, perhaps I should dress like one. I called on the gender roles and stereotypes of the past for ideas. When I say “lady” I mean a sophisticated woman. In a scene filled with half naked women, the art of concealment gives me that mystery I crave. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not wrapped in robes or adorned with a nun’s habit. Though I do see the merit in both outfits, that’s not the look I’m going for.

Using color in my dresses makes me approachable in a different way. Overtly feminine kink gives subtle cues on how to treat me. Turning a style of dress that is traditionally the “weaker sex” into a dominant role is deliciously fun. A hint of cleavage is more alluring to me than full frontal nudity unless perhaps it’s Dita Von Teese in sequined pasties.

There is such a push for women in the kink community to show skin. It is assumed that breasts should be hoisted up with corsets and skirts so high they might as well be called belts. If this style of dress makes you happy, by all means hoist away. The community is a place to express yourself.

If you are more like me and want your admirers to work for the privilege to see some skin. Don’t underestimate the art of concealment. It can offer a strong sense of empowerment and control. And it’s all about control isn’t it?

So You Want to Be a Porn Star…

 Posted by on June 14, 2011
Jun 142011
 

By Sexquire

If I told you that right now there are places you can go on the Internet to find amateur porn videos and pay to download them, would you be shocked? This is a ridiculous question, isn’t it? Well what if I told you that some of those videos could send the people who make them to prison? You’d probably assume that these must be really “out there” clips…things that many mainstream porn companies won’t produce films about…because this is America, land of the free, home of the porn on the internet, right?

Wrong. In fact, just this month, Kimberly Kupps and her husband, Florida residents who make and sell porn via Clips4Sale and Kimberly’s own website were arrested on 13 counts of obscenity charges (or, as the statute reads, “the wholesale promotion of obscene material.”) All performers in the clips were consenting adults, and none of the clips could be considered “out there” or “taboo” sex acts. Most of them were downright vanilla. So how can this happen? Isn’t porn on the internet ubiquitous? And how can other amateur pornographers avoid a similar fate? Below are some good places to start:

· Keep Good Records – If you are filming porn, you’re going to need to get good at paperwork, and to have a very organized filing system. Federal law (often referred to as 2257) requires creators of porn to have proof that any people appearing in the work are over the age of 18 at the time of filming, and to make these records available for inspection on very short notice. Requiring models and actors to sign releases acknowledging that they are consenting to and aware of all aspects of the work, are not under the influence of any drug, alcohol or undue pressure, and that they are aware of the method (or lack thereof) for STI prevention used on this particular set is also a very good idea to prevent issues down the road.

· Know the Law – Many of the reactions and comments to the Kimberly Kupps article consisted of people saying “but the First Amendment protects porn, this isn’t illegal.” This isn’t the entire story though. Bear with me here, because we’re going to have a bit of a history lesson as background to this explanation. As you likely recall from grade school, the First Amendment is part of the U.S. Constitution (actually part of a list of additions, or amendments to the Constitution, the first 10 of which are known as the Bill of Rights). But the U.S. Constitution governs Federal law enforcement personnel, while local law enforcement (state/municipality) are governed by the state constitutions and local (city/county/etc.) ordinances. And these laws are enforced by whoever is in power in the particular state/locality at the time. In Kimberly Kupps’ case this meant the Polk County, Florida sheriff, who has earned a reputation for being on a moral crusade through the cases he has chosen to pursue through his office.

· Location, Location, Location – In a nutshell, don’t move to Polk County, Florida. Seriously though, if you are thinking of starting a cam site or filming porn in your home, do some research into the politics of your town/county/state.

· Research – Cases such as Kimberly Kupps’ become hot topics among other porn producers (both professional and amateur) and often lead to additional discussion, which will surely lead to additional items that should be added to this “list of things to know and take into consideration before taking the plunge into porn”. In fact, as I was writing this column I received an email from the XBIZ (adult industry magazine) message board with notice of a new discussion titled “Places to Avoid.” The discussion specifically named the Kupps’ case as the inspiration behind the post. Porn, like any profession, requires one to keep up on the latest goings-on in the industry and to always be aware of new developments.

At times it seems the internet was made for porn, but cases such as this one remind us that there is still a very real threat of legal action against many porn producers and actors, and amateur porn/sex work remains an industry without a voice in lobbying and other political matters. Until everyone who watches porn becomes unashamed to admit it, cases like Kimberly’s will continue to be prosecuted by small-minded politicians.

The Balance of Boundaries

 Posted by on June 13, 2011
Jun 132011
 

By Sarah Sloane

I asked my friend, who I hadn’t seen in over a year, why they hadn’t been teaching very much. I’m always curious about how other educators handle their life/work balance, and I like to learn great skills from others (as well as benefit from their lessons learned).

“I don’t have any private time anymore”, he said. “I have people coming up to me to talk after classes, then emails, and invitations to coffee or dinner, or people come up to me during play parties and ask me questions or want me to show them how to do something. I don’t get to just relax anymore, and it’s just not worth the stress.”

My response was pretty quick. “Did you ever say no?”

It’s hard to have any kind of relationship – business or personal – without knowing and speaking our boundaries. They’re what allow us to operate in ways that are healthy for us; they not only define our wants and needs, but our limits, too. And contrary to our culture’s trope that as an educator (or volunteer, or healing professional) we’re here to only serve others, it’s almost impossible to be there for others if we can’t take care of ourselves.

As educators, it’s key that we not only have and enforce our boundaries for our own sakes, but that we model them for others to learn. Much of what we teach is what happens between the sentences of our talk, and between our classes. It’s how we carry ourselves; it’s how we interact with others. For example, teaching a class on safer sex practices, then showing up at a play party and having unbarriered sex with multiple partners does not show that we do what we say. When we teach topics that require negotiation, active listening, and boundary delineation, our ability to mirror those behaviors makes the difference in whether our classes will be received the way we want them to.

What boundaries are we talking about? Well, first, it’s the boundary of public versus private. We tend to share (knowingly or unknowingly) a lot of information about ourselves , especially when we talk about on sexuality & kink topics. But how much of that do we want to share? Making a decision of how much information you put out there is key. You may be fine with students knowing that you’re queer, or that you are a graduate of the Sexy School of Sex (my alma mater!)…and in fact, those things may make you even more relatable or reputable to them. However, somewhere along the line, there will be details about your life that you don’t want known, big or small. You have a right to that privacy, and you have a responsibility to yourself (as well as to your partners, affected friends, families, and work) to maintain that level of privacy – without apology.

Another boundary we have to negotiate is that of physical contact. Often, we teach in highly sexualized environments – sexy parties, BDSM events, open relationship weekends, and the like. In those charged atmospheres, our comfort with physical touch (or even with sexual or kinky play) may be assumed by others to be wide open; and despite your personal boundaries, you may also feel some pressure to be even more open about it. At many kink events I attend, I see at least a few presenters scheduling four or five play dates in one evening – with at least a few of them involving brand new people who want to experience a technique – and quite often, they burn themselves out. On the other hand, I usually see a few presenters (often single) who spend the majority of the weekend without their desires for physical contact being met, because it can be hard to get the KIND of touch or play that they want. It’s important (and usually a learning process) for us to discover how much is too much, and how much is too little, and what kind of interactions we want.

We also need to learn to manage our professional boundaries with the event or shop that we’re working for. Some events are incredibly respectful of your time, and don’t want to work you “too hard”. Some events, especially those that are paying, expect that your time becomes theirs and that you’ll teach four classes and participate in three other events over a weekend – which is tough, even under the best circumstances. Clarifying your needs with them as you negotiate the weekend is key: we often think in terms of things like lodging and expenses, but forget our basic physical needs such as assistance, food breaks, and energy limits.

Ask for what you need, when you know you need it, and decide what (if any) of your wants that you’re willing to be flexible with. It makes life a lot easier when you tell them that you need a private room, but you’re happy to do an extra class and help with an auction to help even it out.

One caveat: reality bites. Some things that you ask for, you may never get. A small event that works on a shoe-string budget may not be interested in paying you $1000 for your Saturday morning class. A store may not be able both pay you and cover your hotel for the night if you are not well known in the area. The big event may be too frantic to take care of every detail. Those are the facts of life. They’re neither bad, nor good – they’re just facts. Know what you’re willing to be flexible about – and have a sense of realism for what you’re asking for.

Yes, it may feel strange to do this. Yes, it may feel like you’re running the risk of becoming an arch-diva or being “that guy with all the demands”. But having your boundaries in place (and reviewing & rebuilding them as necessary) will help keep you passionate about your work, and that passion will translate into your ability to teach classes that not only deeply affect your students, but bring them back for more!

Don’t Make An A-S-S out of M-E

 Posted by on June 12, 2011
Jun 122011
 

By Shanna Katz

Perhaps when growing up, you heard the little ditty about assumptions; don’t assume, because it makes an A-S-S out of U and M-E. If not, you just did.
I get increasingly frustrated about the plethora of assumptions that are made in our communities. That person presents as a woman; she must be submissive. That person presents in a trans-masculine way; they must be a trans guy waiting to transition. That person isn’t wearing a collar; they must be up for grabs. That person is wearing a collar; I cannot address them and must find their owner. That person is in a wheelchair; they must not be sexual. It happens all the time, and like many people, it drives me crazy (even though I am sure that I too am guilty of assumptions as well).

However, the assumptions I talk about now are those regarding allies or lack of allies. The other day, Furry Girl pointed out on twitter that just because someone identifies as a conservative, it doesn’t mean that they might now support something you believe in (in her particular case, she was referring to legalizing sex work). Many conservatives (including some conservative sex workers) absolutely believe in supporting and/or legalizing sex work. Their being conservative does not automatically discount them from supporting such a thing. In the same vein, I personally know pro-choice conservatives, pro-same-sex marriage conservatives, anti DADT conservatives and more. Just because someone believes in some tenets of a political view point does not mean that believe in all of them. Hello, log cabin republicans anyone?

The same is true for the other side of the coin. I know I have often been guilty of assuming that because a person is one type of sexual minority, that they will support others. Lots of kinky folks are anti-LGBTQ rights, and even some lesbian/gay people aren’t supportive of the trans community. There are poly groups that aggressively separate themselves out from the kink community because they find it offensive, and queer folks that speak out against and/or want nothing to do with poly/kink folks. Just because someone identifies as liberal or sexual minority doesn’t mean that they believe in all the same things you do.

So let’s stop painting people with one large brush. It’s ok to be against conservative politics, but don’t discount someone as an ally just because they are self-identified as conservative. In the same vein, just because someone is identifying as liberal, or part of a sexual minority community that you are a part of, don’t assume that they are going to go along with/support all of your beliefs. It is issues like this that lend support to the concept of communication – why don’t we ask folks their beliefs, their ideals, their ethics, their moral, and figure out where they are, rather than assuming and putting them in some big box. Wouldn’t it be nice if people took the time to figure out who we really are, rather than just lumping us together because it might be easier?

Mr. Too Familiar

 Posted by on June 11, 2011
Jun 112011
 

By Amethyst Wonder

You know what I’m really starting to hate? People sending me messages written as though they know me.

This is the verbatim text of two actual messages I received on FetLife:

Hey lady how have you been? I thought we would have at least had a real conversation by now. Hope we can learn more about one another

heya gorgeous, just droppin by to show you some love and let you know just how goddamn sexy you are!! i mean soo hot!! x

What’s wrong with these? Besides the complete lack of capitalization in the second message, they’re pretty inoffensive. Here’s the thing: each of these messages was the first contact I received from the person who sent them. At all. I know, the first message really sounds like I’d met this person before – but, I hadn’t. The second message is nothing but complimentary, which I appreciate. But it irks me that it sounds like it was written by a friend I haven’t heard from in a while.

I get a lot of messages. People ask me questions about groups I’m in, comment on my photos, or introduce themselves after having met me in real life. Some of them are quite lovely. I don’t mind one bit getting messages from strangers.

I mind when people are overtly rude, of course. I mind when people don’t read my profile before messaging me, especially when they pretend that they have. I mind the unsolicited cock-shots. I mind the out-of-the-blue friend requests. But I also mind, maybe not as much, when people don’t bother to introduce themselves or tell me how they found me to write to me in the first place.

I realize many people have no problem with this. Maybe I’m still a little old school. Social networking, be damned, but I hate that people use their computers as an excuse to throw out all sorts of real-life etiquette. I wouldn’t just walk up to someone on the street and start speaking to them in such a familiar way. I think it’s just as presumptuous to do it online. And yes, sharing online creates the illusion of intimacy, especially with a lot of what we do. But that’s no reason not to forget your manners.

I think the reason this particular type of message bothers me so much is that I can’t help but wonder if this is just a minor faux pas or the tip of the inconsiderate iceberg. Each time I get one of these messages I lose a minute of my life weighing the loss of a potential friend against the time I will never get back if this person is an idiot. It really makes me wish FetLife had an auto-reply function.

So why am I writing this? Because I’m begging you not to be that person. If you want to reach out and make a new friend, great. But I’m an advocate for thoughtful messages. And this sort of in-your-face, too familiar greeting can be very off-putting. If you really want to connect with someone, a little effort to introduce yourself goes a long way to making that someone feel you’re worth it.

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