Seismic Shift

 Posted by on December 3, 2010
Dec 032010
 

Richard Wagner

Did you notice the enormous tremor the weekend before Thanksgiving? It was felt right round the globe, don’t cha know.

Pope Benedict made a most extraordinary comment in an interview with the German journalist, Peter Seewald, back in July. He said that condom use could be justified in some cases to help stop the spread of AIDS. This startling statement came to light late last month as part of a promotional push for Seewald’s latest book on Cardinal Ratzinger, (now Benedict XVI): Light of the World: The Pope, the Church and the Signs of the Times.

In order to see just how astonishing this is one need only look back to the spring of last year. In March, 2009, during his trip to Cameroon, the pope not only reaffirmed Church teaching on the unacceptability of condom use under any circumstance, including the effort to diminish the spread of AIDS. He went on to say that he thought condom use might actually make HIV infection worse. This reiteration of the Vatican’s hard line, especially on African soil, coupled with his casual dismissal of established scientific evidence, drew immediate criticism from around the world. It was yet another public relations nightmare this pontiff didn’t need, or apparently want.

Now Benedict says condoms are not “a real or moral solution” to the AIDS epidemic, adding, “that can really lie only in a humanization of sexuality.” But he also says that “there may be a basis in the case of some individuals, as perhaps when a male prostitute uses a condom, where this can be a first step in the direction of a moralization, a first assumption of responsibility.”

To the avid Vatican watcher this is nothing short of revolutionary. The Catholic world has shifted on its axis, Benedict’s tortured logic aside.

The week that followed the initial revelation of the pope’s condom statement was a maelstrom. The Vatican curia, bishops from around the world as well as Catholic activists all tried to spin his words. Church conservatives insisted the pontiff had been misquoted or misunderstood. — “The pope’s statement on condoms was extremely limited: he did not approve their use or suggest that the Roman Catholic Church was beginning to back away from its prohibition of birth control” said Fr. Joseph Fessio, SJ, one of Benedict’s former student and editor in chief of the very conservative Ignatius Press. The liberal wing of the Church was hopeful. — “It’s a marvelous victory for common sense,” said Jon O’Brien, the head of the Catholic group — Catholics for Choice.

Then, only a couple of days after the original news broke, more startling information came to light. At a news conference in Rome, papal spokesman, the Fr. Frederico Lombardi, said Benedict knew his comments would provoke intense debate, and that the pope meant for his remarks to apply not just to male prostitutes, but also “if you’re a man, a woman, or a transsexual.”

The pope seemed to be clarifying his comments, but he wasn’t walking them back. On the contrary, he was actually expanding their application. At this point, my head began to reel. Had he undergone some kind of metanoya? Did he develop a sense of compassion for male (female and transsexual) prostitutes and their johns? Was he finally having second thoughts about all those sexual reprobates and the damnation that awaits them for their unnatural acts? It’s utterly astonishing! And who knew the word transsexual was even in the pope’s vocabulary?

Remember it was just one month earlier, in October, that the Belgian Archbishop, André-Joseph Léonard, asserted aloud what most hardliners say in private. He said the worldwide AIDS epidemic is a matter of “immanent justice”, i.e. God’s retribution for their sodommite depravity.

By week’s end all hell had broken loose. Many prominent conservative Catholics were publicly rejecting the Vatican’s own explanation of what the pope said. They declared that they would only accept a more formal papal pronouncement, like an encyclical. Liberal Catholics, on the other hand, were taking the pontiff at his word. For them the pope has spoken; exceptions to the Vatican’s previously uncompromising ban on the use of artificial contraception CAN be made in the worldwide effort to combat AIDS.

But what is the average pew Catholic supposed to make of all of this? The pope is appealing to the principle of double effect, a standard of Catholic moral theology since Thomas Aquinas. This doctrine claims that sometimes it is permissible to bring about, a harmful side effect (contraception) in an effort to promote some greater good (the fight against the spread of AIDS). In other words, accepting the lesser of two evils.

No matter how you look at it, this seemingly innocuous papal statement has created a fissure in the bedrock of Catholic moral theology. It is a total game-changer and nothing will ever be quite the same.

Is Throwing Pills at our Pussies A Pharmaceutical Sin?

 Posted by on December 2, 2010
Dec 022010
 

By TM Bernard

After twelve years in the pharmaceutical industry selling drugs for everything from the ticker to the tooter, and I now have to admonish anyone for being so naïve as to think the following is news: “Ray Moynihan, journalist and lecturer at the University of Newcastle in Australia, discovered that drug industry employees have worked with paid key opinion leaders to help develop the disease entity; they have run surveys to portray it as widespread; and they helped design diagnostic tools to persuade women that their sexual difficulties deserve a medical label and treatment.” (source: ScienceDaily)

Um, that’s the industry’s goals: identify health needs, search for solutions and train physicians in the use of those solutions to assist patients who may need them.

When vitamin-V came out in the late 1990s, I recall seeing men of all ages walking out of docs offices with samples in their hands and libidinous grins on their faces. At the time I was selling a drug known as Voltaren XR. A pain pill akin to the Advil drug class, it was known for being the smallest and easiest to swallow. How did I sometimes and playfully initiate a sales discussion with my clients with well-developed funny bones?

“What do Voltaren and Viagra have in common?” I’d ask. “The answer: size matters.” (My calling started long before I began this column). The point is: men were clamoring for ways to pick up their pecker, and pharma responded with a host of options and staying power.

Female sexuality and sexual health are far more complex, and what turns us on one day may not work the next. That we respond to behavioral, hormonal and emotional cues in ways different at times from men complicates the scenario. We may even feel aroused without clear physiological responses (vaginal dryness, for example), struggle to achieve orgasm, suffer pain upon intercourse, or contend with other diseases that impair sexual function to name a few of the sexual bugaboos that women complain about.

Sometimes the cure is emotional, behavioral, psychological and even spiritual. And maybe, for some women, finding a pharmaceutical balm could be a goddess-send.

For the record – I don’t think every woman’s sexual barriers need to be medicated, and I don’t want anyone tinkering with our cooters just for the sake of a buck. I also don’t blame the pharma industry for trying to identify a need and target an audience. They don’t prescribe the drugs, after all; that’s up to the doctors. And I have faith in the medical community to make the decision with the patients no matter how dynamic their local rep may be.

That’s why I agree with Dr. Sandy Goldbeck-Wood, a specialist in psychosexual medicine who contends that despite those protesting the industry’s efforts, they are missing an important consideration. “Faced with a woman in tears whose libido has disappeared and who is terrified of losing her partner, doctors can feel immense pressure to provide an immediate, effective solution.” (Source: ScienceDaily)

Granted, there are conflicts of interest that need to be addressed, including improved understanding of female sexual response, and industry transparency. However, Goldbeck-Wood points out that, “his argument that female sexual dysfunction is an illness constructed by pathologising doctors under the influence of drug companies will fail to convince clinicians who see women with sexual dysfunction, or their patients.”

Why should women’s sexual health needs and the pursuit of another option be shelved because the pharma industry is leading the charge? I didn’t hear or see protest when men were given a new lease with Mr. Happy when the erectile dysfunction drugs came out. No one said, forget about medicating the gherkin that has lost its crunch.

So maybe the subtext of those who argue against finding a Vitamin-P (for p*ssy) has less to do with the big bad drug companies, and more to do with something far ickier: Hypocrisy. Don’t tell women-kind that drugs are fine for the gander, but not the goose. That oversimplifies the problem and fails to reflect the complexity of female sexuality.

T.M. Bernard is a regular contributor to Fearlesspress.com. Follow her on twitter and visit her at www.tinamariebernard.com/home

The Principles of Pleasure

 Posted by on November 28, 2010
Nov 282010
 

By Leah Shapiro

What‘s your relationship with pleasure and feeling good?

Do you worry that too much pleasure leads to over-indulgence? Do you embrace pleasure whole-heartedly, looking for every opportunity to bask in juicy, good feelings, or do you reserve it as a reward that has to be earned and monitored so it doesn’t get out of hand?

At its essence, the word pleasure means “a feeling of happiness, delight and satisfaction,” which is a large part of a Kick-Ass Life. In my job as a Kick-Ass Life Coach, I am constantly working with my clients to help them make their lives more Kick-Ass, and their relationship with pleasure is often a key component in how successful they are. This is an important relationship to understand, and it greatly influences your ability to create a life full of meaning, happiness, and satisfaction.

People regard pleasure in so many different ways.

Some folks think of pleasure as being self-indulgent, while others view it as a reward for hard work. Still others think that pursuit of pleasure is sinful or a waste of time. Let’s not forget the people who feel that they have to earn pleasure and be worthy of feeling good. Some people believe that pleasure is something to be doled out and controlled. God forbid you have too much!

On the other side of the spectrum, you have those who are self-declared Hedonists who believe that the pursuit of pleasure is an important one.

Where do your thoughts on pleasure fall in all this?

If you are someone who embraces pleasure and basks in it every chance you get, I suspect that you are already living a very Kick-Ass Life. If you are someone who reserves pleasure for a reward, I imagine that you find yourself working very hard and feeling like your life is just not measuring up.

There seems to be a lot of confusion about whether or not pleasure is a good thing. I think that this is happening for a number of reasons. I think that this is happening for a number of reasons, but the biggest contributing factor is that people buy into pre-packaged beliefs without being mindful of their actual wants and needs

Pleasure has gotten a bad rap in many religions. We are taught that suffering and struggling is ‘good’ and that pleasure and feeling good—especially in a sensual manner—is ‘sinful’. These ideas are woven into society’s thoughts regarding the ‘right ways’ to live, and this conditioning runs deep for many people.

When you buy into this story, you feel bad for feeling good. The things that bring you pleasure are considered rewards or something to be monitored closely. They are indulgent and sinful. You end up feeling bad about liking sex, or enjoying chocolate, and restrict your access to it. If you do give into your desire for this thing that you like, you feel guilty and ashamed because you can’t control yourself. It’s an endless cycle of feeling bad for your desire for something that feels good.

This is all so backwards!

I come from the perspective that feeling pleasure indicates that you are resonating with something and are in alignment with who you are. It is an indication that you are on the right path to fully realizing YOU. What could be more honorable than that?

I also find that many folks get caught up in the idea that they have to earn pleasure. They think that they have to do something in order to be worthy of it. Don’t get me wrong, I am the first to reward myself for a job well done, but I do it more as a celebration as opposed to my having to earn it.

I’ll let you in on a little secret: you deserve pleasure. You are worthy of feeling good just because you are alive. It is part of what makes being human so delightful. Our bodies are designed to feel all kinds of things and pleasure is one of them. It’s OK to seek it out and desire it. Matter of fact, it is better than OK, it is desirable! Your good feelings are an indication that you are in alignment with who you really are. The more that you exist in this place, the more Kick-Ass your life will be.

I assure you, the fastest way to a satisfying and meaningful life is to learn how to tune into what feels good to you and brings you pleasure, and to feel comfortable basking in it. A great place to start is to begin to examine your beliefs around pleasure and question the ones that say feeling good should not be your priority. Give yourself permission to feel good! Start looking for things that bring you delight and feel good to you, and allow yourself to truly enjoy them. Bask in the juicy, good feelings. Ditch the guilt and shame and see what happens!

I would love to hear your thoughts on this!

Jazz Age Beauties

 Posted by on November 27, 2010
Nov 272010
 

By Erin Fae

“Women were never more beautiful,” my friend said as she handed me my birthday present: a copy of Jazz Age Beauties: The Lost Collection of Ziegfeld Photographer Alfred Cheney Johnston by Robert Hudovernik. As I flipped through the pages, I knew she was right. Jazz Age Beauties is a rich and sensual delight.

From 1907 to 1931, the girls of Florenz Ziegfeld’s lush revue, The Ziegfeld Follies, defined the beauty of an era. Perhaps no one captured their seductive allure better than Alfred Cheney Johnston. Early on, Johnston was hired as the official photographer of the Follies. The book offers a brief history of the Ziegfeld era and of Johnston. I found it interesting to discover that Ziegfeld also showcased the girls on the rooftop of the Follies theater in Midnight Frolic, a more salacious show that was “synonymous with Jazz Age sexuality and sensuality.” The author also critiques Ziegfeld for his narrow idea of beauty: very white and very pale. More “exotic” women of the era (just think of the multi-talented Josephine Baker, for instance) were excluded from his stages.

Prohibition, F. Scott Fitzgerald, controversy around sexuality; it’s an engaging read, but the text stands in the background. This is, first and foremost, a photo book, and a glorious one at that.

The first Gallery of photos is The Stars: the women who so many flocked to see night after night. Here, nearly nude women are draped with lace, feathers or sheer embellished scarves. Some cling pearls to their nipples or fan themselves innocently, giving a come-hither look over a soft shoulder… but rarely at the camera. A perfect pout, a knowing look. It’s a gaze directed at someone off-scene. The second Gallery is The Secret Nudes. There is something especially striking about these unknown women who found new freedoms, including the right to vote, during this time. Some liberated and some reserved, these photos are perhaps the sexiest in the book. Many of these women were probably not models, but just everyday girls exploring the opportunity to pose nude for a clandestine spotlight and a photographic master.

Jazz Age Beauties will transport you to another time. Put an old record on, pour yourself some bathtub gin, and get lost in the world of the Ziegfeld Girl.

Sexy shoes, without pain

 Posted by on November 25, 2010
Nov 252010
 

By Nina Love

Dear Nina
I’m new to the scene and it seems like EVERYONE wears heels, but they kill my feet within an hour and that is not that kind of pain I’m looking for on a Saturday night. Is it possible to find shoes that don’t hurt or am I destined to suffer?
~Limping Along for Sir

Hello LAS,

I hear your Sir is a mean SOB, so you may be destined to suffer, however it does not have to be from your heels.

Wearing poorly fitting heels is the main culprit for shoe pain. But let’s not forget that pain is not the only problem you may be facing. Don’t overlook how totally hot we look limping along in heels that pinch and rub and how fashionable it looks when our perfect pedi not only hangs over the toe, but curls around it. But, not to worry LAS, finding the right pair (or pairs) of heels is not impossible. Here are a few simple tips to follow on your next shopping adventure:

1. We all know that heels make us look sexy with elongated legs and lifted asses, not to mention the fetish of the heel itself. But, all sarcasm aside, the most important advice that I can share is to remember that it is NOT SEXY to limp, hobble or stagger in heels that do not fit properly or hurt . You will look even sexier (not to mention smarter) to know your limits and wear shoes that work for you. This can mean that instead of the 6″ heels you will rock 1″ kitten heels, ballerina slippers, or sexy sandals.

2. To avoid the “they fit when I tried them on in the store” syndrome, shop in the afternoon when your feet have been working and are more likely to be swollen . Don’t be afraid to try them out, not just try them on. Put on both shoes (your feet are different sizes) and walk around. Sit down, stand up, move around. Unless these are your FMPs, (I make my Daddy close his eyes when I wobble to bed) you have to at least walk over to the spanking bench.

3. Forget about how beautiful they look. No one will be admiring their beauty or yours if you are hobbling across the room in (shoe) pain. Go for fit!. All shoes – especially heels – should fit comfortably with just a bit of wiggle room. They shouldn’t be so loose that you leave them behind as you walk across the room or so tight that they cut off your circulation. Don’t count on shoes stretching. Chances are they will never stretch enough to make a difference in your comfort.

4. Know your foot. Spend some time with your pain. What part of your foot hurts? Toe cramps? Blisters? Arches? Everyone’s feet are different. The things that bother me (pointy toes, narrow instep, etc.) many not bother you. You may need to avoid ankle straps or steep arches. Come to terms with your feet and listen to them.

5. If you suspect that your feet are hurting because you are over compensating in order to master those six inch heels, take a look at the design of the shoe. Consider a thicker heel or a higher platform. The higher the platform, the less dramatic the arch tends to be and the less off-balance our bodies will be. Ankle straps or a shoe or boot that extends up pass the ankle may help you feel more secure in your shoe.

Don’t fret LAS! There are shoes out there for you.

I’m a Compervert

 Posted by on November 23, 2010
Nov 232010
 

by Katie Diamond

When you Google “Compersion,” luckily, a Wikipedia article pops up with the following definition:

Compersion is a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individual’s current or former romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest. This can be experienced as any form of erotic or emotional empathy, depending on the person experiencing the emotion.

Thank goodness. When I first started my foray into polyamory, I definitely didn’t know this word even existed. This Wikipedia page hadn’t been posted yet. The concept was foreign to me. I wish I could say I remember a beautiful, revelatory moment when someone used this word and all the lights went on in my head—but alas, that memory is gone. I only have the current passion that I have for this concept.

Compersion, for me, is a really tough ideal to grapple with. I think a lot of polyamorous folks assume that to be compersive, one must also be simply “without” jealousy.

I’m writing you today to tell you—this is completely untrue.

I’ve found that my compersion is pretty tied to my jealousy. They’re two sides of the same coin. For every compersive feeling I have, I find that I have an equal amount of squicky-stomach-feelings. This duality, you see, is pretty key to being human.

What happens in polyamory, because we’re all trying so hard to create this ideal, is that we tend to put our intellectual ideals above what we’re actually feeling. We create these emotional extremes that just aren’t rational to abide by at every second of every day. Sometimes, I’m able to hear every juicy detail of every single thing that someone I’m seeing does with someone. Sometimes, I need to pretend that none of those juicy things ever happen. And sometimes those two emotional states can happen in the same exact conversation.

These dueling feelings do not cancel each other out. Just because one day I’m as compersive as fuck, and the next I’m not, doesn’t mean that I’m not actually compersive—or the opposite, that I’m a jealousy-free individual.

What polyamory has taught me, and what compersion has really taught me, is that we need to be able to check in with ourselves about what actually works for us, rather than what ideally works for us. It’s alright to hold ourselves to high standards, and try our best to exist in the world we are aiming to create, but we aren’t poly-robots. We can’t input some magical compervert formula, and enact the guidelines necessary every single second without faltering.

Being in touch with our feelings as they happen is really hard—our society isn’t set up for that level of emotional intensity. I struggle every second with knowing how I actually feel about something, especially when it comes to relationships, and I often discover that I won’t really know how I felt about something until a few hours—or even days—afterwards.

Thus, the duality of feeling equal parts compersive to jealous. I can find that watching my partner with someone can turn me on and make me giddy, and at the same time cause that butterflies-“something-is-amiss” sensation in my throat and stomach. I have learned to embrace these moments of conflict, and make sure to pay attention to which direction my feelings might see-saw into. If the giddy wins, I stick around for more. If the butterflies win, I step away to focus on something else.

A Real Reason to Party

 Posted by on November 22, 2010
Nov 222010
 

By Deirdre O’Donnell

While I am sitting on my sofa eating ice cream and watching “My Super Sweet Sixteen” on MTV, my mind suddenly stops vacantly letting the disturbing shopping sprees and bratty phone calls register as normative, and then a thought strikes me:

Why am I watching this extremely privileged teenager receive a new Mercedes for their sixteenth birthday on national television when we, as a culture, do not mark the biological transition that is menstruation as valid even for the average person?

I am curious as to why so much emphasis is put on age in the United States to the point that we watch television shows about sixteenth birthdays, but puberty is not an acceptable stage in life to celebrate or embrace. Since menstruation is something that marked a turning point in my life, a time when I was suddenly capable and responsible for reproductive choices, I find myself wishing that someone had thrown me a menarche party. A menarche party is a celebration marking a female-bodied individual’s first time experiencing menstruation. Historically, it has been important in traditional American culture to celebrate events like birthdays, religious transitions, weddings or commitment ceremonies, funerals, and more. Well, what if we lived in a society in which getting one’s first period was just as significant and celebrated as any of these events listed above? Wouldn’t that be a huge step in de-stigmatizing and de-mystifying menstruation? If young biological women were taught to celebrate their periods, this would help counteract the shame and secrecy that society pumps into our adolescent minds about the topic. It would help eliminate the self-consciousness that many women feel after being exposed to the world of “feminine hygiene” and “embarrassing odors” for the first time. After all, this is a bodily process that most women deal with for decades of their lifetime, so shouldn’t it be something we are taught to feel good about from the get-go?

In Inga Muscio’s Cunt: A Declaration of Independence Expanded and Updated Second Edition, there is an entire section dedicated to menstruation. Muscio states:

Bleeding ladies are taught to be, at best, intolerant of a month-to-month physiological occurrence which clocks the time of our bodies. We therefore act mighty peculiar. Disliking something unavoidable takes its toll after a while. Some people call this PMS.

If, at every stage of life, society commanded men to despise their hard-ons, how pleasant would they be when this bodily function that they are incapable of desisting occurred?
According to Muscio, menstruation is a “monthly purging and cleansing” that we should be celebrating. Menarche parties are a great way to encourage education and positivity about the female body. They also have potential to increase confidence and open up lines of communication between parents and children. Conversations regarding puberty are much easier to have with children if they are approached in a positive way. At the parties themselves, there could even be productive discussions regarding the different menstrual devices and options, like sea sponges, Diva Cups, Keepers, organic pads and tampons, etc. to increase knowledge and awareness about healthy and cheap choices. The types of activities listed on menarche party websites range from these types of talks or presentations to “pin the ovaries on the uterus.” The types of knowledge and positivity that are opened up by menarche parties are privileges and pathways to empowerment. These parties can include tables of red foods like pomegranates, cranberry juice, apples, or Twizzlers. They can be exclusively women or they can be women and men, depending on levels of personal comfort or your personal agenda for starting conversations between female and male bodied youth.

Historically, other cultures have celebrated menstruation in a variety of ways including holy, purification ceremonies, decorating the body with patterns, and other routines or rituals. Menarche is marked as something in a woman’s life that is special and signifies her power to do something that men cannot. If attitudes towards periods are changed over time, it will be possible for young women to feel more in control of their bodies and bodily processes. If menstruation is celebrated, it can leave young women with a powerful sense of agency that is often otherwise stripped away from them, resulting in unhealthy outcomes like eating disorders or self-mutilation. We need to raise our sisters, daughters, and friends to feel comfortable, happy, knowledgeable and empowered about their bodies and themselves; and ultimately, we can be shamed no more.

Museum of Menstruation (Information about menstruation and menstrual devices throughout the decades): http://www.mum.org/

Inga Muscio’s Cunt: A Declaration of Independence Expanded and Updated Second Edition

The Canadian Women’s Health Network (Information about other cultures and ideas for parties):

http://www.cwhn.ca/resources/pub/Sweet_Secrets/celebrations.html

http://menarchepartiesrus.com/

Complicated Polyamory

 Posted by on November 20, 2010
Nov 202010
 

By Sarah Sloane

Dear Sarah,

I am in a poly network that mostly works for me, but one of my partner’s partners and I do not get along. We have tried several ways of communicating and all of it seems to end badly. The other partner & I agreed to not have much contact, but my partner still gets caught in the middle and keeps asking me to try to find a way to get along with them. I don’t really like this other person, and I doubt that they like me, so asking me to try to “get along” leaves me feeling upset. I wish I could say that this is a recent issue, but it’s been going on for years.
This drama is getting to me to the point where I have considered breaking up with my partner; however, we live together and have a multi-year relationship that I don’t want to throw away over something that we can resolve. I just can’t deal with the drama anymore.

Sincerely,

Seeking a Drama-Free Approach More In Life, Youknow?

Dear SaD-FAMILY,

I wish I could easily point out a place in this story where someone has done something intentionally wrong – but the reality is that there is no wrong or right. It sounds like a lot of what’s happening has its roots in old fears; your partner may be afraid of losing either of you, or may be dealing with some poor boundaries of their own and may not know how to balance the needs of multiple partners who aren’t fitting the “ideal picture” of a Happy Poly Family ™. Their partner may feel threatened by your place in your partner’s life, or they may have some issues around their own esteem and acceptance that are coming out in a way that’s not acceptable to you. And you sound like you’re stuck in a place where you feel disempowered to do what’s right for you, or to make any changes in the people around you.

The first thing I want to say is that in any relationship, we can only do what we’re responsible for – nothing more. We cannot change how our partners behave (which in my case is probably a really good thing); we can influence, we can ask, we can yell, we can cajole, we can even threaten, but unless the person sees the need for change and is willing to do the work around it, nothing of lasting value will happen. Creating that boundary between us and our partners (and their partners, as well) is one of the challenges of healthy open relationships – it’s the understanding of what is and what is not under our control.

I assume that somewhere in the conversations with your partner, you’ve mentioned some kind of couples / relationship counseling. Depending on where in the world you are, you may find poly-friendly counselors locally; if not, there are some who will do phone or online sessions.

Having a chance to get a professional “third person” perspective on the situation may help find some common ground on this; having a chance to refine & state your boundaries in front of a witness may help you to take action that you need to enforce boundary violations, as well as to consider whether the boundaries you’ve set are the right ones for you.

If talking with a professional is not possible – then you’re left to make your own decisions on how you set & enforce the limits you need to feel safe & respected. You may want to write them down and provide your partner with a written copy along with a verbal statement. You may also want to keep a copy as a “reality check” to help you remain centered about what you can and cannot control. The most important thing is that you honor yourself and your needs with love, and that you do what you feel is right to honor the love you have for your partner without sacrificing your own values.

In any relationship, considered whether it’s time to move on is a deeply painful experience.

We’d love to say that love conquers all, but the reality is that love is sometimes not enough.

By working to empower ourselves and set our boundaries, we can create a better sense of who we are in relation to our partners and on our own, and our decisions can be healthier and more loving in the long run. I wish you much luck in this process, and hope to hear good things resulting from it!

-Sarah

The Scandal of the Incarnation

 Posted by on November 18, 2010
Nov 182010
 

By CK Persons

The Catholic Church is no stranger to scandal as the sexual abuse crisis makes abundantly clear. But the most scandalous thing about Catholicism – and this is not to minimize the horrible effects of sexual and power abuse — is the Incarnation: the core Christian belief that God became human. Although an outrageous claim, this belief is a radical affirmation of the goodness of creation and the importance of the body, among many other things.

Scandal unfortunately is linked to kinky sexuality as well, mostly due to misunderstanding and fear. Mere talk of spanking, foot worship, and bondage (not to mention any edge activities such as needle, fire, and breath play!) is often dismissed as strange, perverted, abusive, or even worse. Kinksters, however, understand the complexity of sexuality and courageously practice their seemingly endless creativity. They celebrate the vastly diverse ways human bodies and minds can be intimate with each other (i.e., consenting adults).

The Incarnation – literally, (God) in flesh – is a fundamental Catholic belief. God became human in the person of Jesus of Nazareth – a person who breathed, ate, slept, had sexual desires (the Catholic belief is that he remained celibate, a topic for another article), etc. – approximately 2000 years ago and continues to live today, though imperfectly, in the church community and beyond. Put another way, God pervades creation; there is goodness in and through all things. Such a belief in part led Paul to write to the Christians of Rome that nothing can separate us from the love of Christ (Rom 8:38-39). And we can access the divine – at any time – through our very senses: in what we see, smell, taste, touch, and hear. We don’t have to wait around for a God outside of ourselves to do something; the divine presence already abounds within us.

To compare the Incarnation to kinky sexuality is perhaps scandalous in itself, but this belief and way of practicing sexuality appear to go hand in hand. Sexuality is fundamentally good, and kinky sexuality, which can profoundly integrate the mind and body, reveals that goodness in many ways. I’ve thankfully had the privilege to experience and to witness how such sexuality has explicitly accepted and celebrated my own and others’ goodness and worth. The Incarnation is another way of saying that the body is inherently good; this belief is a radical promotion of the flesh, for through it we can intimately experience the divine. The love we experience in our varied partnerships is nothing less than the love that is God.

Sometimes, your reward is getting hurt.

 Posted by on November 16, 2010
Nov 162010
 

By Rayne

”Where’s your collar and leash?” in that quiet, firm tone that always lets me know he means business. His voice tugged my mind awake just long enough to croak out their last known location before I rolled to face the wall, snuggled back into the blankets, and drifted off to sleep.

I barely heard the rattle of cold chain being piled next to my head, and somehow managed to buckle the leather around my own neck while M watched with a smile on his face. I curled the chain around my fingers, and started snoring. It wasn’t until M was tugging on the leash, that I came fully awake. I climbed out of bed, and He said, ”Down.” so I knelt before Him. And then He lead me to the living room on my hands and knees.

”You’ve been a really good girl.” he said. ”And as a reward, you’re going to get slapped.”

I tried to keep my thoughts off my face. Although M insists on knowing what I’m thinking, it really wasn’t the time to interrupt him with my concerns. And I don’t know if he could see my confusion. But he may as well have read what I was feeling from a book, because he immediately began explaining why my reward would be to get slapped.

He said that part of being a sadist means that sometimes, he just wants to hurt me, whether I want him to or not. That I should always be grateful for any attention he shows me. Any reward he allows me. He said I should learn to enjoy anything he does to me, if only because it’s pleasing him. This is not a new lesson.

Years ago, acceptance was easy. Everything was still new, and exciting. ”New and exciting” always turns me on a little bit. And acceptance is always just a little bit easier when I’m turned on.

I knelt there, between his feet, never lifting my eyes above his navel. He ran one hand over the still sleep-warm flesh on my shoulders and back, and tangled the other in my hair. And then he slapped me across the face.

I’ve never disliked being slapped across the face. Matter of fact, one of my earliest kinky memories with M is of the night that he kept slapping me, expecting me to eventually use my safe word, or finally stay down. But even when he hit me hard enough to knock me back onto the mattress, I sat up, eager for another one. I won that round. He gave up long before I stopped bouncing back.

It’s delicious during sex. It’s more than a little hot to feel my head tugged back, and my cheek sting before I know what happened, and find M grinning wickedly when I open my eyes. But as a reward for exceptional behavior?

And why not? I like to be slapped across the face. I enjoy being hurt and humiliated. When I stop worrying about losing myself, and just allow myself to lay back, comfortably, in my slavery, and the depth of my masochism, I’m happy. Almost giddy.

A couple days later, he did it again. When he was finished, he asked what I had to say. And I couldn’t think of the right answer. I stuttered out a quiet, ”Thank you, Master.” hoping it would suffice, and he slipped his hand inside my shirt. I took that to mean I’d gotten it right.

He asked me if it stung. And I told him it did. He asked me if I liked it. And I said I did.

There’s something about being made to admit, verbally, that being slapped turns me on. It’s… I’ve been considering calling it humiliating. But it’s more that it’s humbling. Reaffirms my place. Puts me at ease. And of course, turns me on.

He’s since taken to occasionally asking me if I want a slap or a kiss. It’s such a difficult decision. Both are fulfilling in their own way. But I usually go with the slap. I get kisses all the time. He doesn’t slap me anywhere near as often as he used to. And he loves that I’ll happily ask him to slap me. So it’s win-win!

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