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What is a Submissive and Who’s On First?

Posted by Sea on September 21, 2012

Sep 212012

Here we have the makings of a debate that rivals one about which baseball team is the best–ask 20 people what a submissive is and you will get 21 answers! People will get in each other’s face, kick up dirt and, sometimes, come close to an all out brawl.

What if you believe that a submissive always defers to the dominant? What if the second baseman believes that a submissive generally defers to a dominant within boundaries that are established? And what if the third baseman believes that a submissive is someone who takes a subservient, passive role in the bedroom but is an equal outside the bedroom? Well then, who‘s right and what’s the name of the phonies?

No problem. Let’s settle this debate. Who’s got a dictionary? We cannot turn to a dictionary to give us a precise definition for what a submissive is because in the dictionary the word is generally listed as an adjective!

And so we begin to see one reason for this variety in interpretation—we have limited vocabulary available to us in the dictionary. We take words from everyday language that is not designed for and does not give us enough words to cover all that we encounter in BDSM.

Thus, no one is fully right and no one is fully wrong. Everyone is thinking of a valid scenario. And everyone is turning to limited vocabulary of everyday language to find words close enough in meaning to the scenario they envision. We then find different meanings attached to the same word because this word is being used for different scenarios that are slightly similar to this word but with some differences.

I think the word submissive is not a precise term or label, and instead a word that conveys the general ballpark. At a broad level the term submissive is differentiating a person from those who have absolutely no psychosexual interest in submission. I define submissive as follows:

Submissive: a person who finds psychosexual reward in assuming a lesser authority status via one or more of acts that to varying degrees are deferential, appeasing, obedient, and capitulating.

Thus, a person who enjoys submission in the bedroom only is a submissive, as is a person who is submissive also outside the bedroom but in limited ways, as is a person who enjoys a broader yield to authority.

Given the general ballpark, we can draw upon communication and adjectives to better understand and describe this person.

Let’s go into extra innings and talk about what a submissive is not. Here is what I don’t associate with a submissive: (1) personality and (2) social status. If you absolutely equate either with submission then one day you might find yourself swinging at a curve ball.

Submission and Personality

An interest in submission is distributed across the range of personalities you see in population. You will find strong and timid personalities. You will find selfless and selfish submissives. This discussion about distribution of personality traits can continue much further.

A submissive (a person who gets psychosexual gratification from acts that reflect submission) who has a strong personality and who takes an assertive stand is still a submissive; this person is simply an assertive submissive. A submissive who is selfish and focused on own needs to get psychosexual gratification from acts of submission is still a submissive; this person is simply a selfish submissive.

Submission and Social Status

There are many people—dominants and submissives and beyond—who see the BDSM role preference to define castes or hierarchies where dominants take a greater status. This view is common but not universal. And I don’t envy the person who tries to argue that this rule should be universal.

After all, we are all peer citizens who find psychosexual gratification in different BDSM roles. What role one prefers and what turns us on by itself does not create any reasonable basis to confer status or superiority.

So next time you hear the word submissive, think ball park. If you want to know more, ask questions to find out where in the ballpark the submissive is. Maybe he is an outfielder whereas you are thinking more of a catcher. So he may not be the type of submissive your team wants but he is still in the same ballpark and some other team might want to draft for that position.

Con-Tribes – Temporary Community

Posted by Morghan on September 19, 2012

Sep 192012

We most often think of community in a permanent way. Whether we’re talking neighborhoods or social networks, the idea is the community is always there. You can be a part of it for years, and at levels varying from lurker to leader. Munches are going on all the time, parties happen, people chat online, and all identify as part of a given community. But there’s a whole other world of kink that doesn’t get the credit it deserves. That is the phenomenon of the Con-Tribe, the temporary kinky communities that recharges our batteries and broadens our horizons.

Con-Tribes are made up of people drawn from the larger community who identify with a very specific special interest group or SIG. Attendees are looking for something more intense, more in depth than their day today opportunities. For many of us, these conventions use up our precious two weeks of vacation each year. We choose carefully which events to attend based on our fetishes and chosen roles, often having to pick between competing events on the same weekends. As a result, there is often a core of repeat attendees at the same events each year. These con-tribes come together with the familiarity of family to create a stretch of magical experiences only a few times per year.

Compared to online communities, these temporary con-tribes require an intense level of organization and active work to stay running. There are leaders that step up and book venues, manage finances, arrange work teams, and address safety issues. Those roles are supremely taxing for the individuals who take them on, and they are often ongoing long before and after the con dates. These leadership teams are usually supported by a short term team of on-site volunteers. Though volunteer, the temporary staff often gets free t-shirts, free admission to a future event, or other small thank-you items in appreciation of their efforts. Volunteering is a great way to get a look at how these things work and observe kink events in progress. Even experienced kinksters often volunteer as well as a way to give back to the groups where they got their start. This structure of volunteerism and participant-run events means everyone has a stake in its success, and that the bottom line isn’t a purely monetary one. Lower cost also means greater access for more people to attend and learn from experienced and competent presenters. If you’re into a give-support, get-support model, check out a convention and get involved. You’ll be amazed at what happens behind the scenes.

Even if you’re not into the volunteering thing, conventions can offer a liberating clarity of rules and roles. If you go to a leather conference that offers ribbon codes for identifying, you can flag yourself in a way that makes clear to others what you do and don’t want from the experience. Within the bounds of the event, you’ll be able to fully immerse yourself in your chosen role, and have others clearly understand that role. There are of course always socially awkward exceptions, but you can start with a baseline; that everyone there is kinky or wants to be. For just a day or two, you’ve got an entire village of fellow freaks. That’s a sense of safety and familiarity that we can likely only dream of in daily life.

Flying your freak flag is amazing when you know those around you can ‘read it’. But not everything goes as planned. Sometimes there are speed bumps. You might have a scene that doesn’t go quite as planned, you might find yourself a bit in over your technical head, or you might discover a new limit you didn’t know you had. When the unexpected happens, conventions may offer an extra benefit in the form of experts, advice, and in the rare case of an injury incurred in exploration, quick access to help.

As liberating as it can be to get your kink on in full force, to go to a rope intensive weekend, or to use high protocol for your every move with your partner; there comes a time when that level of focus wears on you. This is the hidden blessing of short term communities. They end. The intensity and magic of the two to five days you’ve spent in full kinky space exists in part because you know it won’t last forever. The Con-Tribe’s value is born in part of this fleeting nature. Whether you are part of a 24/7 dynamic or just trying one on for the weekend with your partner, having an end in sight means you can try things out or step up the intensity and not be stuck with it forever. At 11:00am, you check out of the hotel, and the pressure is off. You go home and reset to your normal lives and normal patterns with treasured memories of the event and your experiences within it.

Of course these miniature miracles of kinky immersion are likely to leave an impression. If you go home and find yourself wistful and longing for the con, remember there will be more to come. You might even suffer a bit of con-drop, the post-event equivalent of sub-drop that attendees of Kinky Cons and SciFi conventions alike must endure. This is especially true if the con experience included some firsts and peak experiences for you. If you venture out to your first BDSM conference and find it a bit rough on re-entry to vanilla life, give yourself little extra emotional TLC. Reconnect with a partner, or talk about your experiences with someone who was there. Those post-con discussions can at least help you process what you’ve learned, and may lead to ongoing friendships.

To be sure, you must be open to the idea of forming real connections when you attend these events in order to find them. Watch the goings-on at a con and you will see people ready to give the shirts off their backs to their fellow attendees. To get the most of your own experience, participate, talk, share, and support others. In a short time you may find you have the same week of vacation blocked out each year to spend with that very special crowd, the Con-Tribe.

Can Buddhism Be A Style of Love and D/s?

Posted by Amy Shiner on September 17, 2012

Sep 172012

Self-love and loving in Buddhism takes on various forms both mentally, emotionally, and physically. Recently Tantra has been a new popular sexual lifestyle which has incorporated not only fulfilling sexual urge but has opened new doors to sexual enlightenment towards others and towards self. Classes, workshops, and retreats have been created around this way of loving. Past ancient wisdom, as my mother has put it to me, brought down into this “new age” movement.

Although I am sexually active and spiritually active I come from a catholic background which… does not promote sexual experimentation… to be honest I am just only becoming comfortable talking about my own activities. To be the image of my own perfect, and naked, feminine lotus blossom is a stretch for me. I question, on occasion, if there is enough room in my practice for both my spiritual well-being and my sexual well-being. Both being deeply intimate relationships with myself it is very clear on how Tantra Sex, Tantra being found in Buddhism in general, has started expanding in both the kink and vanilla community.

I took a class this past fall at a Shambhala Meditation center which has started me seriously considering if “self-love” for me does not only take on the form of my fingers but also of my emotional well-being. The discussion about taking a deep look into yourself to find your inner Bodhisattva Warrior, which means enlightened being, turned to being in love with yourself, being able to love yourself, and being comfortably alone. Although not entirely foreign concepts my mind automatically sprang to “but where does D/s relationships play into this?”

There are ways of incorporating D/s not only in self-love but also in loving others while practicing. One major theme in Tantra and Sacred Intimacy is to incorporate the Goddess or God. It is not only to engage in it but to treat something, or someone, special. I have rituals before self-love, during, and in my everyday life. I love my body… and I try to remind myself that I love my body… and the figure that I see before me and in everyone else. For every negative comment I make ten comments that represent the positive attributes I bring.

Buddhists disciplined such as submissives are in D/s relationships. Practice is a large part in the spiritual journey, along with finding peace, and being centered and focus. Almost surreal… such as the feeling of subspace for me… also attracts not only my spiritual side but also focuses me on my partner and my daily routines.

However how does one de-attach from their partner to gain the insight of being comfortable alone while still managing submission? It is a steady tightrope line to walk. Between being independent which everyone has done at some point while being single, being unhealthily dependent and becoming a burden, and finding co-dependency. It is not, in the Buddhist style, to force oneself in complete independency and to learn from each other, which happens in D/s, can create a loving co-dependency.

First Encounters: Disability and Dating

Posted by Robin Mandell on September 15, 2012

Sep 152012

You’ve put together the perfect profile for your favorite dating sites. It’s pithy, witty, sexy, and it’s totally you! Now it’s time to pick out a profile picture that’s equally intriguing, sexy, and totally you. Or will it be totally you?

Many of us have things that make us uncomfortable about our bodies, things we can’t change. It gets trickier still when they are things we can choose to hide, or not. Most of us want to put out what we believe to be our best selves when trying to attract a potential date, partner, or whatever we’re looking for on that dating site. What happens when our best self is someone who might scare potential dates, partners, or whomever away?

The question of whether to disclose a disability before meeting someone is a sticky one, and often debated among people with disabilities. Do you tell someone before your first date, or let them find out for themselves? Do you post that great picture of you hiking with your adorably cute guide dog, in which the dog is clearly working, or do you post a picture with the dog lying sans harness at your feet, or do you leave the dog out entirely and focus the picture on your utterly alluring self? Do you avoid sharing candid photos that show you with your mobility aid? Some would rather weed out the people who are afraid, reticent, or even turned off by disability right away. The thought process goes something like: “If you can’t accept me at the outset, then I don’t want to date you.” Other people would like the chance to get to know a collection of prospective dates, and hope that people are open-minded enough to equate the person they got to know with the person-with-a-disability they meet later.

The question is moot when it comes time for the first date. Depending on how much control someone with a disability has on where the first date takes place—are they able to arrange timely transportation to the date location, can they subtly choose a place they know is mobility impairment accessible, can they orchestrate the date to minimize potential sensory overload—they may be able to wait until the meeting occurs before disclosing. There are many good reasons to disclose prior to meeting, but I can’t say that they’re good for everyone; the variety of types of disabilities,, preferences, and personal emotional needs among people is too great.

Most of my reasons in favor of disclosing apply to beginning any healthy relationship. Whether we like it or not, visible disabilities are a surprise to many. (Invisible—such as learning disabilities—and less visible—such as a hearing impairment—pose their own challenges during first dates, but generally don’t have the immediate shock factor.) It’s human nature to feel anxiety or even fear of something unfamiliar, and close interactions with disabled people are, depending on one’s life experiences, unfamiliar. First dates are inherently awkward for many, but they can also be fun, entertaining, enlightening, sexy, or all of the above. Getting the awkwardness about disability out of the way beforehand can clear away one source of that first-date awkwardness. There’s also the question of whether someone will need practical help. If they need assistance in and out of a movie theatre row, or to have the menu read at a restaurant, to be able to leave if an environment overstimulates the senses, or something else entirely, it’s conducive to healthy communication and a healthy relationship of whatever sort the people involved want to embark on, to talk about and negotiate those sorts of things ahead of time. It also saves having to figure out what to do *during* the date, leaving the first date for more interesting topics of conversation.

If we’re talking about a heterosexual duo, we also encounter some interesting flouting of gender stereotypes when thinking about the first date. I don’t know if this still holds in practice, but there’s still a cultural story about how the gentleman pays for dinner, and the gentleman holds the door. Depending on the nature of the disability, the gentleman might need the door held for him, or, even if he is paying for dinner, might need the bill read to him. Regardless of the gender configuration of the couple, if one partner does not have a visible disability, that person may be seen by wait staff or well-meaning passers-by as a caregiver, or the kind friend taking a disabled person out for dinner; that can sure take the sexy out of a date unless folks discuss these possibilities ahead of time and are prepared to meet them with a laugh and a shrug.

Not all first dates lead to more, but clearing the air about any concerns of how much or little help a disabled person might need can set the stage for balanced interactions of give-and-take without which a fledgling relationship of any sort is going to struggle.

Caveat: In writing this column, I find myself struggling to be the voice for a marginalized, diverse group of people. It’s a challenge, sometimes harder than others, to present disabled people’s experiences as unique, but essentially following the same pattern of endless variation as those of any other group of people. What you’ve read above is less a statement of exactly how things are at all times, and more a playful meandering through some of the concerns and considerations that have come up as I’ve reflected on these issues, talked with other disabled people, and learned from interviews and personal narratives.

It really is a wonderful time with the Internet…

Posted by TheRoyalJester on September 13, 2012

Sep 132012

It really is a wonderful time with the Internet, twitter and the like lifting us out of ignorance and even causing revolutions. Information is freely available that decades ago was considered shameful and hidden, presumably, to protect our delicate natures. It all ties in with the various liberation movements starting in the 1960’s.

I am thinking of Benjamin Franklin’s scholarly work A Letter to a Royal Academy which later appeared in Fart Proudly: Writings of Benjamin Franklin You Never Read in School. Indeed. It reveals that he was not only a Founding Father of the United States, but a Founding Farter of this humorous work.

With copies privately printed by Franklin around 1781, while he was ambassador to France, it was privately circulated to an appreciative audience. The text contains a type of dedication to his close friend and scientist in England, Joseph Priestley, who made his name in the field of gases (of a much different nature). Or, as Franklin characterizes him, “who is apt to give himself Airs.”

The intent of Franklin’s treatise was:

“To discover some Drug wholesome and not disagreeable, to be mixed with our common Food, or Sauces, that shall render the Natural Discharges, of Wind from our Bodies, not only inoffensive, but agreeable as Perfumes.”

After Franklin’s death in 1790 it disappeared from his vast collection of published works, letters and manuscripts only to reappear in print two hundred years later in 1990. Of course, it really did not completely disappear, but was privately printed and secretly distributed. Some copies were available under lock and key for “scholarly” research in libraries and institutes.

The topic itself was questionable and the fact that it was penned by Franklin was deeply embarrassing to those who appointed themselves protectors of the ideological triumph of the American Revolution. Besides, he’s on the $100 bill!

Franklin was not alone. In 1880, none other than Mark Twain secretly published 1601. Conversation, as it was the Social Fireside, in the Time of the Tudors. He fessed up to it twenty-five years later, but it also suffered the same fate after his death as Franklin’s work.

The 1601 story revolves around a fart emitted by an unknown guest seated at a dinner table which is headed by Queen Elizabeth with such contemporaneous legends as Sir Walter Raleigh and William Shakespeare (identified with typical Elizabethan misspelling as “Shaxpur”).

It turns out that the fart was fathered by Sir Walter who explained that:

“Most gracious maisty, ’twas I that did it, but indeed it was so poor and frail a note, compared with such as I am wont to furnish, yt in sooth I was ashamed to call the weakling mine in so august a presence. It was nothing–less than nothing, madam–I did it but to clear my nether throat; but had I come prepared, then had I delivered something worthy. Bear with me, please your grace, till I can make amends.”

From this confession pours forth a bawdy discussion of the “cod-piece”, “pricks” and other such sordid and sundry (and humorous) matters.

What is remarkable is that these works were considered pornographic and embarrassing. You will not find Franklin’s work in the extensive online collection of “The Papers of Benjamin Franklin” compiled by Yale University even today, although it can now be encountered everywhere on the Internet.

Twain’s work was privately printed and available to only a few. As in the case of Franklin’s work, copies were secreted away in rare books departments across the country even as late as hundred years later after its initial appearance. The Internet has changed all that. It is replete with sites such as http://www.rotten.com/library/sex. It can be found here along with some other scandalous tales. Check it out. It’s a good place to start where anything goes.

Giving Kink a Black Eye

Posted by Ohh on September 11, 2012

Sep 112012

WARNING…WARNING!!! I’m going to talk about race and I’m likely to say a few things some of you may not want to hear. As much as American society likes to claim we’re moving or have already moved into a post-racial era (we have a Black President after all), the fact remains that many of our social interactions continue to take the racial identification of the participants into consideration and often in ways that are extremely uncomfortable and upsetting for the minority member while allowing their (typically) White counterpart to feel relaxed and unthreatened in their dominant racial position.

On more than a few occasions, I’ve heard BDSM and alternative sexuality communities touted as some kind of more enlightened “promise land” where the inhabitants have risen up and learned to accept one another regardless of race, class, gender, creed, sexual orientation, or political affiliation; “Your kink is not my kink, but that’s ok” is practiced far and wide; and we’ve advanced so far beyond mainstream society that we have the ability to play with taboo and sensitive issues like incest, rape, and gender presentation freely. It sounds wonderful doesn’t it. There’s just one problem…it’s not true! The kink community has its own share of misogyny, classism, homophobia, transphobia, political fundamentalism, and a whole host of other biases. But my focus du jour is issues of race and racism.

As a Black woman navigating the realm of kink I’ve run into my fair share of race-based questions and assumptions. Some are mundane, some are borderline insulting, and some are just down right strange. However, one that seems to emerge over and over again when I confide in vanilla friends of color is “You’re kinky? Isn’t that a white people thing?” From the outside looking in, it would certainly seem that way. Most mainstream representations of BDSM practitioners feature a sea of white faces. The casual glimpse of BDSM we catch through marketing campaigns, television dramas, romance novels, and the like rarely include major characters of color. However, the view from the inside isn’t much better.

Although I’ve been blessed to go to a variety of events throughout the United States, I still find a disturbing lack of presenters and educators that look like me even when large portions of the attendees do. I’m not saying presenters of color don’t exist. Quite the contrary, I know several who are phenomenal at what they do and are typically in high demand. Mollena, Murphy Blue, Midori, Orpheus Black, Vi Johnson, Master Obsidian, slave Namaste, MasterSoandSo, Master Malik, Madame Butterfly, and many others have been holding their own in the realm of kink and leather for years. Yet, proportionately, kinksters of color are underrepresented as presenters. Is this due to some form of bias? A lack of willing presenters of color? Perhaps the socioeconomic hardships of being a presenter are more difficult to overcome for people of color who traditionally suffer greater financial hardship than their White counterparts? Whether the problem continues due to bias, self-elimination, or systematic difficulties, the fact remains such a disparity exists.

While I can appreciate that some individuals are aware of this divide and actively seek to recruit talented people of color to present, organize events, and sit on boards in order to make sure minority voices and views are heard, occasionally their well-meaning pursuits dissolve into blatant tokenism. It’s wonderful when individuals and organizations choose to make efforts to be inclusive, but we have to be careful that we’re not looking to one or two minority members of an organization to represent the entirety of their race. Too often I’ve found myself being tasked with speaking for the whole collective of kinky Black people on the planet because I happened to be willing to speak up about my view on a matter. The assumption becomes if I say it doesn’t bother me, it should certainly be ok with all Black people and quite possibly ALL people of color. My inclusion, my voice somehow negates the need for other minorities’ voices and opinions. One is enough, one can represent all. While several people I share a racial profile with may agree with my views and assertions about life, love, and kink, I’m sure there will be just as many who’d dispute my point of view.

As much as I hate being the token, I hate being the assumed exception to the rule just as much. The color of my skin doesn’t make my kink magically different. I find it offensive to have a straight-forward rough body play scene or rope exchange is magically transformed into “intense race play” just because my partner’s skin tone doesn’t match my own. Shortly after entering my local scene, I was doing a bit of rough body play with a (White male) friend at the dungeon. The “goal” was to wrestle the other person to the ground and get a pair of handcuffs on them. We started with our usual smack talk and posturing, not really paying attention to the people around us. After about 20-30 minutes of high energy shenanigans, we declared the match a tie. He’d captured one of my wrists, I’d captured one of his – in essence, managing to handcuff ourselves together. We lay on the mat chatting for a bit as we recovered from our little game, then collected ourselves and went on with our respective evenings. At some point, a stranger approached me to discuss the “intense race play” I’d done earlier in the evening. I was baffled as to what she meant until she started describing what I’d taken as fun and silly rough body play with a friend. Through her eyes, my friend and I were reenacting something akin to the slave masters of old asserting dominance over their Black property. I had to choke down laughter as I explained I was simply enjoying a bit of rough-housing with a dear friend, no racial undertones intended. Sometimes play is just play.

Kink has provided me with a wonderful outlet to discover new things about myself and others, but it hasn’t allowed me to shrug off my Blackness and experience a color-blind society where all people are treated the same regardless of the color of their skin. So the next time you feel the need to explain how race doesn’t really matter that much – stop, take a look around, count the number of people of color you see presenting, organizing, and acting as community leaders, listen to the assumptions your fellow kinksters make about scenes featuring interracial play partners, take a hard look at your own habits regarding race, then come talk to me.

You make me so mad!

Posted by Bendyogagirl on September 9, 2012

Sep 092012

You know how it goes; someone does (or doesn’t do) something, and you get pissed off. In the pissed-offness, you say something to the effect of “you made me angry,” and things go from there. Well, my friends, I’m here to suggest something to you – something that might just shift a paradigm you’ve held for a long time. I’m here to make a suggestion that, if you choose to adopt it, will make it impossible for anyone to make you feel angry (or upset, or frustrated, or dumped, or anything else) ever again.

Ready for it? Are you sure?

It’s impossible for anyone to make you feel anything, good or bad, without your permission, because you are the owner of your feelings… not them.

Some of you are probably in a headspace of “Is Bendy really telling me I shouldn’t get angry when someone does something shitty in my general direction?” I am very much NOT suggesting that. What I’m suggesting is that your feeling, while brought upon in response to a stimulus, is actually something you have chosen – consciously or unconsciously, and that choice is 100% within your power, even when it’s justified.

Byron Katie, says it this way: “There are only three kinds of business in the universe: mine, yours, and God’s.” If you are not a theist, you can edit the last kind of business into something like “the universe’s” or “nature’s”.

If there’s a huge storm, that’s the universe’s business.

If someone is late for a play date with you, that’s their business.

If you get angry at the person for being late, that’s your business.

I chose this example around tardiness, because it’s a huge hot-button for me. My thoughts about people who are late for things is that they are manipulative and selfish, and I take it personally when someone is late… If this happens regularly, I get angry. My anger is in response to someone being late, and yet – I don’t have to feel that way. I could feel any number of other ways, including happy that I have more time for whatever I’m doing in the moment. All depends on my thoughts about the situation (which are my business).

“So what do you do about it, Bendy?” Well, my friends. I do what I can to not to impose my negative thoughts and feelings on the person, and I will tell you that this is an area I’m constantly working on.

When you frame your feeling as something that is yours, then you are in a position of great power. With power comes choice; and with choice? Response-ability – as in you being able to respond, rather than react.

Here’s a very recent example from my own life: Last night I was really pissed off at a play partner, because he didn’t call me to talk about something that was upsetting me. I found myself thinking he was being uncaring, feeling upset and isolated, and my train of thought continued to make him wrong for not magically knowing that something I texted him was actually very important to me.

A couple decades ago, I would have called him and started a fight. I would have had ammunition to bring to the fight: “I texted you that I was having some challenges around that thing and you didn’t even call!”

Maybe I would have said something like “If you care about someone, you want to call when they are upset” Ever hear that? Words like that ever come out of your mouth? Bendy don’t play that any more.

Rather than taking the fight course, which a part of me very much wanted to do, (a whole bunch), I sat with my feelings and thoughts, and I did a little self-reflection, asking myself questions such as “Is it reasonable to expect him to (magically) know how I feel?” – well, no. It isn’t.

Another question I asked: “Have we negotiated that he will call me whenever I’m upset?” – again, no.

Then another question: “Am I really upset that he didn’t call, or is it the thing that I texted about which I need to be addressing?” – I was mostly dealing with an emotional response about a category of activities – not him.

And finally: “Is he the best person for me to have a conversation about the thing?” The answer to that question was no.

I have a friend who would be much better to talk with, so I called and asked him if he had some time to help me work through something that was bothering me. Once he said yes (please note that I got his consent to the conversation first), I told him what was upsetting me, shared how unreasonable my thinking was around expecting my partner to just magically call, etc… Within about 20 minutes, I was able to not only express my feelings from a place of truth in me – I was also able to explore and identify some of the stuff that was brining them up.

So bringing this back to the idea that someone can’t make you feel a way without your permission… I was feeling upset about something. This is true. My partner didn’t make me feel that way – he behaved and I reacted. Period. Once got to a place of clarity, I was able to release my anger towards my partner and move back into a place of excitement, submission, lust and all the wonderful feelings I enjoy cultivating with regards to this person. By choice.

Be well and happy!

Begin by Ending

Posted by MakoAllen on September 7, 2012

Sep 072012

There’s a common conceit in oriental literature called the tale cycle. In a tale cycle, the story ends at the same point, place, or event where it begins. We westerners though, tend to see our lives as a traditional “life story”, with a beginning, middle, and end. But Lao-tzu could tell you that seeing your life that way often leads to needless fear, and suffering, even more so for alternative kinky people like us.

16.

Be completely empty. Be perfectly serene.

The ten thousand things arise together;

in their arising is their return.

Now they flower,

and flowering sink homeward,

returning to the root.

The return to the root

is peace.

Peace: to accept what must be,

to know what endures.

In that knowledge is wisdom.

Without it, ruin, disorder.

To know what endures

is to be openhearted,

magnanimous,

regal,

blessed,

following the Tao,

the way that endures forever.

The body comes to its ending,

but there is nothing to fear.

Lao-tzu knew that often, we fill ourselves. We take our empty minds and stuff them to bursting with all sorts of feelings. I can think of countless examples where I’ve done this myself.

For the past seven years I’ve attended a kinky camping event called Camp Crucible. Months before camp, I begin getting excited and nervous too. I make preparations, and stress over minutiae.

Then the event comes, and it’s always profound for me. Big emotional highs, and exhausting lows come, end over end. By the time the event is done, I’m exhausted, mostly in a good way. Then the time comes for goodbyes, and they are always bittersweet and painful. Some of the best scenes I have, I often have the last morning of Camp, just before I return to reality for the coming year.

The following year, I’ll repeat the entire cycle.

But, as people do, I often make it much harder on myself than it needs to be. Why?

It’s because I fear death.

The way of things, all things, is to arise from nothing, flower toward their fulfillment, and then to wither away.

When you get a good, hard spanking, your bottom starts out unmarked and supple. Gradually, it gets more and more red, hot, and sore. At the end of it, perhaps you are black and blue, or cannot sit. You might have tears coursing down your face, or the leaving of your orgasm between your legs. The spanking has, essentially, died. It’s over.

But, that’s not really true. The moment it ends, your bottom begins to heal. Your soreness fades, and the experience you just had becomes a memory. Eventually, even that memory loses color and heat, and becomes one of countless thoughts and ideas that informs who you are, as a person. It’s the very last spanking you’ll ever get.

Until your pants come down again.

What other sorts of things do this? All sorts. Events you attend, scenes you play through, meals you eat, as well as friendships and romantic relationships you form all flower, then wither, then die.

But eventually, they all renew, too.

As an age player, and a diaper fetishist, I’ve wet literally hundreds of dry diapers. There always seem to be more dry ones to wear.

I’m thrilled that over my many years in the community, I keep making new friends, even as I lose contact with others.

People forget this though, and it’s a source of terrible suffering.

We become convinced when something good happens that we have found that one thing, person, experience, or sensation we need to be utterly happy, and complete. (Or by the same token, we become convinced that the awful, painful situation in which we find ourselves will endure to the end of our days.)

We trap ourselves in the past, or lose ourselves in unfounded worries about the future.

This is an arrogant, selfish, toxic behavior, by which we cripple ourselves.

But Lao-tzu had (and still has) an answer to this miserable perspective.

Recognize that we are all one with the Tao, and thus we endure. It’s not that we did endure, or will – we’re doing it, right now. You can see it in the movement of the most unstoppable force in the universe: change.

As much as you want to hold onto fixed circumstances, you simply can’t. Scenes end and begin again. While old events end, new ones begin. On a larger level, even as people die, new ones are born literally every moment.

When you know this, when you feel it completely, it transforms you. You become constant. Suddenly, you are both non-blessed and un-damned. You feel the road of infinite existence firmly under your feet.

Death loses its awful sting. And at the close of anything, you savor the new experiences that arise from that closure. You begin by ending.

Protecting Against Predators

Posted by ShannaKatz on September 5, 2012

Sep 052012

If you have ever been out and about in the kink community, poly community, and even the queer community, you have probably run across the concept of predators within the community. Every community has them; every community SHOULD have their own ways of dealing with them, or at least protecting the community from them.

Sadly, we frequently don’t. In fact, there has been some conversation (actually, a lot of conversation – much of it has been deleted by moderators) on FetLife about what to do about predators, rapists, assaulters, and folks that just won’t take no for an answer in our community. Life might have been much easier before the internet; if someone acts aggressive or rape-y towards folks, word got around. They were pushed out of the community, told they were not welcome…of course, sometimes they were also hit with a legal case as well. No longer. In fact, if you post on FetLife, including in your own journal, or in a group that you own, the fact that someone went beyond your limits, or assaulted you, or raped you, or wouldn’t back off even after you made it clear you were not interested, your post will be deleted. Unless, of course, you have a magical piece of paper; a conviction against said person from your local city, country or state court. A restraining order doesn’t count; you cannot name the person you have that against without having that deleted.

We are therefore allowing predators to get away with it. Sure, some dungeons have banned folks for douche-y behavior, or because enough people complained to the owners. Word does still get around in person. However, how does that help the newbie to the community who is exploring FetLife and stumbles upon a great and powerful Master or Mistress that really seems to be as good as it gets. They look around on posts from people in that community, and see nothing; no warning signs, or notes about them being predatory much mean they are ok, right? And suddenly, the community is aiding a predator in preying on new blood.

So what is the solution to this? Obviously, nothing is out there to currently challenge FetLife. Ergo, we must bring the conversation off the interwebs and back into our communities. What IS the local dungeon’s protocol when a member complains about having their limits violated by, or having survived an assault from another person who frequents the dungeon? Is there a process covered in the welcome spiel about what to do if predatory behavior is spotted? What type of support does the community offer its members if they are in fact victims or survivors a predatory behavior? And honestly, what kind of information is available to teach folks how to act within the parameters of the community? People read fan fiction and erotica on the internet that may not mesh with the reality of playing locally in real life, but haven’t been given a good 101 on how to act within the real world kink or BDSM community, and are still operating under the false assumptions that all submissive folks are fair game at any time for all dominant folks.

If we, as a kink community (both locally and as a whole) do not step things up, we are failing to keep our community safe. If we allow these conversations to be stifled, and shoved under the rug, then we are complicit in letting this predatory behavior happen. And at least to me, that is not indicative of the kink community I have come to know and love.

What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

Posted by Sexquire on September 3, 2012

Sep 032012

If you’re the type of person who ever thinks about starting your own business, or being a freelancer, or turning your passion or hobby or interest into your career, chances are fairly high that you’re also a risk-taker. Eschewing the traditional “9-5, work for someone else, take home a paycheck and build up a retirement account” takes a certain amount of guts and a certain amount of utter craziness, and the amount of each will vary from time to time. But trust us when we tell you, going it on your own is not for the faint of heart.

However, particularly if the freelancing or business you’re thinking of jumping into involves sex or the adult industry in any way, there are certain precautions you should take before making the big leap. But how do you know what you don’t know?

Many people begin searches for what laws or rules may apply to their business on the great equalizer, the Internet, and more specifically, through a Google® search. Chances are if you begin to type any search you can possibly think of, someone will have conducted it before you, and there will be at least a few thousand pages of results. But after that, how do you separate the proverbial ‘fact’ from the proverbial ‘crap’?

With SEO campaigns and armchair experts, along with the wide disparity in the visual appeal of different sites, it’s very hard to know who to trust, but some good general guidelines would likely read as follows (in order of importance): Federal laws on Federal websites, state laws on official state websites, local laws and ordinances on city/village/township websites, and only after you’ve exhausted these sites should you consult private websites run by organizations or service providers. Also, to help wade through the many laws, rules and regulations you’re going to encounter, keep in mind that laws dealing with sexually oriented matters will likely be grouped and described with words such as “adult” “obscenity” “sexually-oriented” “nudity” or “pornography”. Even if what you’re doing doesn’t technically fit into one of these categories, it’s good to check all of these in your searches, as government organizations who make these classifications are often more zealous with their inclusion of matters than ordinary folks might be.

Once you’ve completed your Internet searching of actual sources, you’ll definitely want to speak to some people in your area of the world (as well as those doing something similar regardless of place if what you are planning to do will be primarily online) to see what, if anything you’ve missed. They will likely be able to share some anecdotal information that is generally impossible to find in official rules, but that will be the gems that will often help keep you out of trouble. Maybe the law in your area technically allows topless events in certain venues, but someone who has actually hosted one may be able to tell you that the authorities in your area have less than stellar opinions of certain of those venues and you’d have a far smoother event or business if you avoided those places. This industry knowledge in valuable in any niche business, but it is vital for sex related work. Now is not the time to be shy or worry that you will step on someone’s toes, just acknowledge that you are asking them for a large favor, offer to pay for their consultation time, and assure them that your business does not intend to compete directly with theirs (or, if yours might, maybe skip this step, but then definitely offer to pay for a consultation).

Hopefully following these rules for finding information will keep you from relying on “what someone’s brother’s aunt” said was certainly the rule that would apply to your situation. And don’t let all this talk of researching risk and rules deter you from the fact that you’re a risk-taker! You CAN do this, and there are lots of folks out there who want and need the business or services you’re going to create. So get out and there!

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