BDSM Roles, “Topping From The Bottom”, and “Service Top”

 Posted by on July 12, 2012
Jul 122012
 

This is is an excerpt from ‘The S&M Feminist: Best Of Clarisse Thorn’  You can buy The S&M Feminist for Amazon Kindle here or other ebook formats here or in paperback here.

I often say that all consensual sexuality is okay. Open relationships? S&M? Same-sex partnerships? One-night stands? Porn? I could care less how people have sex, as long as the people involved are consenting adults. This means that most of the interesting and important questions are about consent: how do we make sure that we always have consensual sex? How do we ensure that we’re always respecting our own boundaries and our partners’ boundaries? How do we talk about our preferences and our consent? I write a lot about sexual communication for this reason.

Every once in a while, though, there’s something interesting to discuss besides consent. (Totally weird, I know!) One of those interesting things is stereotypes. Also interesting: bad dynamics in the BDSM community.

One example of a bad, weird dynamic is the “one true way” thing. Some people act like there are “right” ways and “wrong” ways to do consensual BDSM — as if some consensual BDSM is more legit than other consensual BDSM. Often, people do this via what we call “role policing”: they make claims about “real submission” and “real dominance”. (Even worse, people will sometimes act like dominant people are socially “better” or “more important” than submissive people. Or they’ll act like men are “inherently” dominant, or women are “inherently” submissive. It’s a clusterfuck! Thomas MacAulay Millar has a great essay about this called “Domism“.)

Examples of role policing might include:

* “If you were really submissive, then you would be serving my dinner right now instead of having me serve myself.”
* “If you were really dominant, then you would pay for my drinks.”
* “If you were really submissive, then you wouldn’t be confident enough to write a blog about your sex life.” (Not that I’m biased or anything.)

Sometimes these are hilarious light-hearted jokes. But sometimes they’re not. Sometimes they’re bullshit, and they make people feel as though they’re “bad at submission” or “bad at dominance”. Also, it gets really silly when we start thinking about switches — people who can feel comfortable in the dominant role or the submissive role, such as myself.

One very common, relevant assumption is that dominant people always enjoy inflicting pain: that sadists and dominants are always the same group. They’re not! Sometimes people are into sadism, or into dominance, or maybe they’re into a lot of sadism but a little dominance, or whatever. The same thing goes for submission: sometimes people are submissive and like taking pain, but sometimes people are submissive without being masochistic, or maybe they’re into a little bit of submission and a lot of masochism, or whatever.

Or maybe they’re masochists who like ordering their partners to hurt them. I once threw a memorable party at which my then-boyfriend, a mostly-submissive gentleman, arranged for a bunch of our friends to grab me and hold me down while he ate cake off my body. As he did this, I clearly recall shouting at him: “You better hurt me, or I’m going to safeword on your ass.” So he hurt me! It was great.

Because “submissive” and “masochist” aren’t always the same thing — and “dominant” and “sadist” aren’t always the same thing — the BDSM community uses the terms “bottom” and “top”. A “bottom” is a blanket term for a submissive and/or a masochist — the receiving partner. A “top” is a blanket term for a dominant and/or a sadist — the partner who is providing sensation. The point is to have words that indicate who is giving and who is receiving, without making claims about each partner’s preferences. (These words can also be used as verbs. For example, if I am “topping”, then I am in the dominant and/or sadistic position.)

And yet! Even though we have these handy terms “top” and “bottom”, which are specifically designed to help us avoid making assumptions, people end up making assumptions. There are two common BDSM community phrases that are often deployed in tones of disgust and irritation. One of those phrases is “topping from the bottom”. The other phrase is “service top”.

“Topping from the bottom” indicates a person who exercises power in the relationship, despite being in the “bottom” position. There’s nothing wrong with doing that, as long as both partners consent. But some people talk about “topping from the bottom” like it’s bad — as if power ought to belong to one side or the other; as if the bottom should never express preferences or make decisions about what’s going on. Which is ridiculous.

I’ll grant that it can be annoying if I’m trying to be a top, and my partner isn’t listening or isn’t doing what I want. But in those cases, it’s important to pay attention to what is actually going on. Is my partner resisting because he actually doesn’t want to do what we’re doing? In that case, I should respect his preferences. Or maybe my partner is resisting because he wants me to punish him. Or maybe we just have bad chemistry! Whatever. The point is, “topping from the bottom” isn’t inherently a bad thing. “Topping from the bottom” doesn’t make the bottom into a “bad submissive” or whatever. It just means that either the person is trying to communicate, or the person is looking for a certain kind of push-pull dynamic.

(I am hardly the first person to notice that “topping from the bottom” is a badly-used phrase; here’s a rant from another BDSMer on the topic.)

Simultaneously, there’s the phrase “service top”. It’s basically the same thing in reverse. A “service top” is a top who enjoys topping in line with his partner’s desires. And once again, some people act like this is a bad thing — as if service tops “aren’t dominant enough”. But it’s not inherently a bad thing! If a service top is doing things just because her partner likes them … then good for her!

I sometimes use phrases like “topping from the bottom” and “service top” to describe dynamics of a relationship: to talk about what is actually going on. But that’s because I don’t think there’s anything wrong with topping from the bottom or being a service top. I try to avoid joking around about it unless I know that the person I’m talking to is not sensitive about the topic. And I really don’t like it when people use those phrases while role policing.

BDSM can carry an incredible emotional charge, and a lot of the time, people will want comfort and snuggles after doing BDSM together. Sometimes, part of that comfort and snuggles includes reassuring the partner: “I know you just beat the shit out of me until I cried; I enjoyed it — I still like you and think you’re a good person.” Or, “I know you called your safeword while I was hurting you; I still think you’re a beautiful submissive and you did a great job — in fact I love it when you call your safeword because it helps me understand you better.” I think that in these cases it’s totally okay to say something like, “You’re such a good submissive.” But it’s so important to keep in mind that there isn’t some kind of submission that’s inherently “better” than any other kind — or dominance that’s “better” — or sadism, masochism, whatever.

And here is the part of the entry where I pull aside the mask and reveal that even though I claimed I wouldn’t talk about consent … I was secretly talking about consent all along!

The consent problem here is that role policing can be used to mess with people’s consent, because role policing can be used to pressure people. If a person wants to feel like a “real submissive”, and you tell them that “real submissives” always receive anal sex … then the person might accept anal sex even if he doesn’t really want to … because he wants to be a “real submissive”.

I have personally witnessed accusations of “topping from the bottom” or “service top” being used to hurt people who were just trying to communicate, or arrange a relationship that they liked. For example: “I thought you were a submissive. Why are you asking me to tie you up? Stop topping from the bottom! I’m the dominant partner, I make the decisions!”

An important facet of consent is trying to create a pressure-free environment, so that all partners feel comfortable talking about what they want. Sometimes, it can be very hard to create that environment, because pressure isn’t always easy to see or understand — but if we want maximum consent power, then we have to do our best. One way to create a pressure-free environment is to be careful about phrases like “topping from the bottom”, “service top”, and the role policing that can go along with those phrases.

* * *


 

Community, What the hell does that mean?

 Posted by on July 8, 2012
Jul 082012
 

The world is incredibly big, and we?  We are individuals, small in the big picture.  To deal with that, we develop ideas that help us get along.  We develop the idea of family, of community, of national identity.  Each idea fits in context to shape our experiences in life.  This is true for kinksters as much as it is of anyone.  The choices we make in defining ourselves both individually and collectively dictate how community interacts with the individual.  That’s part of why it’s so very important that we start looking beyond the one, to the many.

Individuals and social crowds speak constantly through Fetlife, email groups, and other social media of the kinky community.   The kinky community is this, or isn’t that, it does this, it doesn’t do that.  It is honored and vilified, loved and hated.  The kinky community hosts conventions and parties and outings.  From San Francisco, to Boston, to San Antonio, kinky people consider themselves part of an enormous and growing community.

But what is a kinky community?  Is it just a community that likes whips and chains?  Is it all of us, some of us?  What about the dictionary version?  If we believe Merriam Webster, community is ‘a unified body of individuals’ or ‘a group linked by a common policy’.

Houston, we have a problem.

Unity is not something we are all that good at.  There are a lot of theories I’ve considered around why division is such a common problem.  Most of these are still valid.  The short list of culprits includes being a fringe group of a larger culture, not having the outside survival pressures to hold group cohesion, and lacking dependence on other kinky folks for basic survival needs.  We are, essentially, a sexual spinoff of mainstream society which can survive (note, I did not say thrive) without our fellow kinksters.  That means a lack of consequences for being a jerk, and fewer rewards for being deeply involved.  Whatever you need, you can get it elsewhere.  So belonging in a meaningful way?  It’s almost entirely optional.

Still, this lack of involuntary bonding doesn’t explain the hostility and divisions I have witnessed.  I have seen an enormous surge in the last two or three years in very public conflict.  Groups have had complete meltdowns in the public eye.  Individuals have gone off the behavioral deep end.  Debates and discussions best suited to event or organization specific leadership have moved to social media, and become a public free-for-all of insults, accusations and character assassination.  It’s rough enough to have a public meeting of a board of directors, but social networking sometimes fans the flames to the point of national attention.  In some ways it is exceptionally fortunate that kinky social media is behind a membership firewall.  It stays ‘in the family’ and doesn’t become a CNN scrolling headline.  Those embroiled in the conflict, the people who have aired their dirty laundry in public didn’t set out for misery.  So what is going on here?

It is conceivable that we’ve all just gotten too big for our collective britches.

Before I set a social media fire with that statement, let me put it in perspective.  If you have a conversation in your family and you disagree with someone, you have an interest in finding a resolution.  Yes, there may be yelling, shouting, frustration, and anger.  However, in the end you still have to live there, so you either fix the problem or find a way to let go of it and move on.  The neighbors don’t (usually) get involved.  The local news doesn’t come check it out.  You deal with it within the family unit.  Its home, you can’t just walk away.  In a neighborhood, you have a vested interest in not pissing off the guy next door.  Why?  You live there; you’re more or less stuck with him.  So you find ways of keeping the peace.   In these situations there is enormous risk in causing more conflict or damage than absolutely necessary.   We cope, we compromise, and we go on living where we do.

If however, you go onto the local newspaper website and see an article that pisses you off about yet another corrupt local politician whom you’ve never met and may never meet, you don’t have that safety valve.  You can blast off in the comments section and there are no consequences to your daily life.  Are you a member of a household, family, or neighborhood with the guy you’re flaming?  Nope.  Therefore, no loss to you.   Small unit safety valves of ‘hey man I live here’ and ‘don’t piss off the neighbors’ just don’t work on a national scale.

Lets take another look at the definition of community:

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/community

In all of these definitions, there are limiters which draw a smaller group out of society as a whole.  We have common location, common interest, common interest withina location or area, or even common policy as factors that narrow the community form society at large.  A coast to coast super-sized identity just doesn’t fit the facts before us.

I propose that we, as kinky people, are not one gigantic community any more than the entire nation is a single community.  We have evolved, grown apart, changed, and multiplied.  I believe we are a huge network of communities.  But we’re still all trying to live and act like we are a single, down home, everyone gets along with everyone community.

This change in perspective doesn’t need to be a bad thing.  Shifting focus from macro to micro may allow more focus on fixing what’s been broken, on getting along and becoming healthier, smaller communities of kinky folks that interact in context.  At least for now, that’s something to hope for.

The Last Taboo

 Posted by on July 7, 2012
Jul 072012
 

As a sex-positive business attorney, I have heard about, discussed and drafted agreements relating to a number of things many would find “kinky” or “taboo.”  At this point, over nine years in to my practices, there isn’t much that can shock or  scandalize me, and the same can be said for many of my clients-with one very large exception. Nearly every one of my clients, save for a very small handful, have one very big very upsetting taboo that they hate to think, hear or even talk about.

What is it you ask? Money.

Now how can that be? My clients are, by the definition of my services, in some sort of business. They have to think about money, right? That’s what business IS right? Well this is somewhat true, but trust me, most business owners, but particularly folks involved in some way in the sex industry, do NOT like to think about money. It’s something I’ve noticed a lot lately, and something I have vowed to change for my clients. So let me give you some examples and some ways I’ve tried to help clients overcome this last great taboo:

Example 1 – The Community Caretaker

If I’ve seen this once, I’ve seen it 1,000 times. If this person were in any other industry, they would be charging top dollar for their work and calling it “consulting” or “business development,” but because it involves sex in some way (kink, leather, adult sex education, etc.) they’ve convinced themselves that they have no business asking their “community” for money to help plan, organize, fund and nuture projects and fledgling businesses. Because of this, the Community Caretaker often suffers from burnout and can’t figure why they aren’t enjoying work everyone else seems to envy.

Example 2 – The Education/Experience Addict

This person did not start out as a community or education leader, but has attended enough events and studied enough that they often know more than some of the people presenting at said events. Because of this, the Education/Experience Addict is well known in community circles and may often asked to “assist” or “demo” for a presenter. Wanting to soak up every experience possible, TEEA will say yes even when they might have another commitment, or may find that their “assisting” has turned more into “co-presenting” if things go off the rails at an event or presentation.

Example 3 – The Timid Talker

This person may have established their sex-related business (educator, assistant, shop owner, performer, provider, etc.) and may really be enjoying the work, but has a hard time asking for payment for their services or asking folks to shop at their versus just browsing and ordering things online. The Timid Talker will often reach the conclusion that they weren’t cut out to be in business for themselves, or that they’re not good at it, which can result in the loss of a very valuable community resource.

So what can be done to help TCC, TEEA and TTT? First, we can all recognize and express our appreciation for those in our respective communities who provide much needed services and roles, and be sure to let them know we appreciate them.  But more importantly, these folks can do some things for themselves:

  1. Recognize when a hobby has become a potential business – There is no bright line rule, but if you find your participation in community or education events taking up quite a bit of your time, step back and assess whether there might not be a way to turn it into a business. Things that were once fun but now seem to take up a lot of your time can certainly become fun again if you find a way to make some money at it. And it’s not taking advantage of your community to ask to be compensated for valuable work or services you provide.
  1. 2.      Don’t be afraid to ask for payment, or if you are, let someone else do the asking. – The easiest way to ask for payment is to talk about it BEFORE you being the work or services. But how to broach this subject? I’ve found that it makes things a lot easier for my clients if they have a simple term sheet or contract to present to someone at the first mention of a potential piece of work or presentation. Letting people know what your rates are for particular types of work can separate things you want to spend your time on from things that will simply frustrate you down the line.
  1. 3.      Don’t be afraid to say “No” to certain things so you can say “Yes” to others – This is another way to say “separate the wheat from the chaff.” When we are first starting out in any profession we want as much experience and work as we can find. But make sure it’s QUALITY work, and don’t be afraid to say no if the situation doesn’t seem right, can’t meet the rates you’ve established, etc. This will free up your time to work on getting other gigs or customers, while also keeping you fresh for when those come along!
  1. 4.      Self-Promote – If they can’t find you, they can’t hire you. If you’ve decided to take a hobby or interest and turn it into a business or side work, you have to let people know. The more professional you present yourself and your work, the more people will respond professionally. So don’t be afraid to create a website, reserve your business or working name on social networking sites and get to promoting. Don’t be afraid to list your rates either…this just helps sort out that wheat/chaff problem before it even gets to you.

Taking Up Arms

 Posted by on July 6, 2012
Jul 062012
 

I’ve been a person who goes with her gut for decades now, and my gut is sending very strong signals that my first article for Fearless Press be about taking up arms.  How does this map to a column about health, communication and relationships?  How, indeed.

Have you ever been in a moment with someone where you’re just going along, having a great time, doing your thing, and they suddenly snap at you?  I mean, like total meltdown?  Doesn’t matter if it’s your partner, child or co-worker, how you react in the moments immediately following the blow-up are critical.

First thing’s first.  It isn’t about you.  I know that it’s coming towards you, but it isn’t about you.  You may have done (or not done) something that set the person off, but their temper tantrum is about them, so own that.  Feel it in your body.  Stand still and think to yourself “this is about them”.

Next, do not engage.  To the best of your ability, don’t try to prove or disprove the person who is all upset, just be with them.  Stand your ground, open your heart, breathe into your hands and feet, and be with them.

So where does the taking up arms thing come in?  Well, if you thought it has to do with the person who is having the conniption fit, you are wrong.  The person taking up arms in this scenario is you – the person towards whom the storm is pointed.

“But Bendy, how can I not engage and take up arms?  Taking up arms has a combative connotation,” you ask.  Depends on how you’re holding the (metaphoric) weapon, I say.  Take a sword for example.  Were I to hold a sword in my hand and point it directly at someone, that would be highly combative.

If, however, you held your sword like the fellow to the right, it would act like the bow of a boat, creating a kind of shield for all of the crap that is coming towards you.  Think of it – the waves of anger, frustration, yelling and whatever else just washing by you like the waves a boat creates when moving through water.

If you can stand there, holding your (metaphoric) sword, and not try to change or fix anything with the person who is freaking out, something amazing is likely to occur.  The person who has been losing their shit in your specific direction will run out of steam.  They may even experience being heard, which is something we all want.  Most adults (and by adult I mean emotionally mature individuals) will even apologize for the outburst and move to make amends or remove themselves from the conversation.

Crisis averted. And all you had to do was stand there in a specific way.  You can practice ‘taking up arms’ by imagining yourself being calm and holding up your sword.  With regular practice, it will become second nature.

Submissive Contemplations of Bodhisattva Warriorship

 Posted by on July 5, 2012
Jul 052012
 

Bodhisattva Warrior, which means attaining enlightenment but foregoing nirvana to help others, is a level of perfection that is far beyond my reaches and understanding to grasp.  I view submission as working on imperfections but being accepted for who I am in the now.   My submission rarely reaches perfection.  There is always something I can work on; if there wasn’t I would be concerned the relationship is dead.  The concept of Bodhisattva Warrior, which really connects to my Dominant side, is something that I apply to Dominants in general about helping their submissives.

The now, which means living presently and being aware, is a major goal in Buddhism.  It’s not expecting someone to reach their full potential immediately but we look to, in this lifestyle, our Dominant to reach some expectations.  There is a need of patience, love (generosity), to have the effort and energy for a relationship (exertion and meditation), to hold someone accountable (discipline), and to have a balanced life and fair opinion (prajna).  In an odd twist of words these six qualities is what a Bodhisattva Warrior strives to obtain before making his or her vows.  I’m not stating that I expect a godlike Dominant but more of the Teacher/student beliefs that we see over time with yogis, philosophers, and in meditation courses the ones with more knowledge and wisdom teach the beginners.

I struggle with discipline.  It’s a hard path to stay on, I think the saying that you are your own worst critic resonates in me; my inability to wake up at 5 am to do meditation every morning brings on guilt.  When it comes to submission, and presently I am in my submissive state with meditation, I am a people-pleaser.  I don’t try to be the utmost outstanding submissive, I don’t bring attention to myself, but a “look”, or wooden stick as the older meditation teachers would use in the east, would quickly bring me back to my seat or path.  Not being able to afford my own personal stick-welding Buddhist teacher I become my disciplinarian, holding myself to personal rules and expectations, and realizing that my practice helps my functionality.

Meditation and discipline, which leads me to reach the other expectations in my life, does not always exist for me on a cushion or in a book.  It comes to me in practice in both the spiritual sense and in my submission.  Both of which are sometimes the same.  To hold off the guilty feelings of not always being on my cushion at 5:31 a.m. is being gentle in submission.  At the same time that discipline, which I sometimes lack, also allows the ability to focus on a task that I know will make a Dominant happy.

In the meditative-state of submission there are certain expectations in service subbing and house cleaning.  Routines that are built-in, usually quietly, allow me to focus on the present and the now.    When things go wrong employing patience and generosity to a Dominant is a service anyone can do.  If we look at Old Guard, which is sometimes viewed as overly strict and restrictive, all these expectations, especially silence,  is a common theme in rules of that era and structure.

Silence is something that isn’t frowned upon in Buddhism.  The Buddha sat underneath a tree for forty-nine days, in silence, just focusing on the present.  It’s not an extreme that would I take, and not something that is really supported in Buddhism at this point as the “way” to enlightenment, but it’s self-discipline.  A Dominant can only dictate so much before the submissive needs to make some effort in reaching the potential and expectations.  To remember that it really is your own journey makes anything from Buddhism to a power exchange more enlightening and rewarding.

Being present for the whole day is more of a struggle, but more genuine, making it more rewarding.  I’ve had expectations in past relationships on times that will go to bed and when I will wake up.  I have had routines built-in; meditative to the point of being able to focus on the task at end with no stray, and patience of knowing that what I am doing is going to reach a favorable result.  It creates my own prajna and usually from someone who is significantly older than myself.  To my readers, I hope you live in the now for the following month, and have meditative and insightful journeys in your Dominance and submission.

Namaste.

A Mono Girl’s Guide to Dating Poly People

 Posted by on July 4, 2012
Jul 042012
 

With an onslaught of books, articles, and websites dealing with non-monogamy and poly relationships, more people seem to be giving “alternate relationship structures” a try. Books, such as Opening Up and Sex at Dawn, have helped individuals that felt trapped and alienated by societal expectations of monogamy to consider options beyond one-on-one coupledom. A variety of works have even gone so far as to proclaim polyamory and non-monogamy the “natural” order of things, decrying monogamy as a repressive, morally-mandated social order perpetuated by people in power to control the masses. As outspoken supporters of a plethora of relationship styles step forward to explain, champion, and advance knowledge of their own brand of dealing with dating, mating, and long-term coupling, few speak on the topic of what happens when the world of monogamy and non-monogamy/polyamory collide.

On occasion, I’ve been known to set myself at a distance and gently peel apart the layers of argument surrounding delicate topics, carefully cataloging the pros and cons of each view before deciding where I stand on the matter. The issue of monogamy versus polyamory or non-monogamy is no different. To a degree, I took a long, hard look at non-monogamy and decided it wasn’t for me. Poly seemed slightly more reasonable (assuming I could find a partner that believed in polyfidelity and wanted to keep our circle small). However, in the end, monogamy won out due to my personal preferences. The hard part in all of this is there isn’t a great theoretical basis for my decision. I don’t consider non-monogamy immortal. Polyamory isn’t unnatural or something to be scorned. Those options simply don’t work as well as monogamy does for me. I find myself happier when I only need to devote romantic, sexual attention toward one person.

Despite my personal monogamist tendencies, recently I’ve found myself forming romantic relationships with individuals who identify as non-monogamous and/or polyamorous. This clash of ideologies is one I was never prepped for; no one ever seemed to talk about it when discussing the Relationship Style Wars. Without the protection of theory and rhetoric, I find myself dealing with a true ideological conundrum.

As an extremely late bloomer and life-long monogamist, I can still count the number of partners I’ve had on my hands without using all my fingers and never found issue with the societal norms of monogamy. However, once I entered into the world of kink and BDSM, I found myself needing to take a long, hard look into the alternative relationship structures I saw occurring around me. Mere months after entering the local scene, I found myself wildly enamored with a charming gentleman who already had two girlfriends, a handful lovers, and a host of play partners. I considered adopting non-monogamy, but found myself less than thrilled about striking up additional relationships. So I opted to remain emotionally and sexually monogamous, while allowing for the option to play with others. To put it mildly, entering into a relationship with him was a rocky path. Along the way, his relationship dynamics changes, jealousy flared, and compromises were struck, then discarded. After almost three years of challenging, but love-filled adventures, we parted ways.

Given the difficulties of my first mono/poly relationship, when it came to an end, I swore to return to monogamous relationship structures. Yet, I promptly found myself considering another mono/poly pairing. This time I’m a little more prepared to deal with the standard pitfalls of different ideological relationships standpoints. As with any relationship were the people involved share different view, I’ve found considering a few options beforehand an excellent indication of the likelihood of success.

1. Consider the manner in which you deal with new information – While sometimes opposites attract, it’s important to know how your new partner may deal with hardships, potential partners, and other relationship issues. Deciding if you have the same approach to dealing with new information will help you determine if your styles complement or clash with each other. If your partner prefers to work things out internally first before saying anything and you need to talk things out in order to process through them, you’re likely to have major difficulties. One of you may feel blindsided by what seems like a rapid change of direction, while the other feels bombarded with conversation that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. Do you like to make decisions fairly quickly once new information arises or take your time analyzing? The speed and manner in which you deal with new situations will greatly affect your ability move forward in the relationship.

2. Take time to define which aspects of monogamy, non-monogamy, or polyamory are the most important to you and voice them – This may seem like common sense, but many people launch into relationships without first examining what portion of their interactions with others means the most to them. If sex is a deeply emotionally connecting act for you, but your partner sees it as a fun activity that need not involve emotional connectivity, you’re likely to have problems. While you don’t have to share the exact same views, a monogamous person and a polyamorous person that share some basic beliefs (i.e. sex needs to occur within the bounds of emotional connectivity). This means that future conversations can stem from somewhat common ground.

3. Be ok with occasional conflict and hard conversations – Although all relationships go through their fair share of hardships, mono/poly relationships are particularly rife with the the possibility of misunderstandings and hurt feelings. If you’re a person that avoids conflict at all cost, mono/poly is not for you.

4. Work on yourself, not just the relationship – It’s important to take time for yourself. Making sure that you have friends, activities, and places that are special and centering for you are important. Most people will have moments of self-doubt or low self-esteem. With mono/poly relationships these moments of self-doubt can often lead the mono partner to feel “not good enough” or like an afterthought in their poly partner’s life. However, such moments can be significantly reduced by making sure to take time to view yourself as a whole and complete person outside of the relationship as well as within it and learning to schedule time for yourself.

5. Monogamous behavior does not a monogamous relationship make – During the New Relationship Energy (NRE) period of the relationship, you may spend all of your free time with your new partner, call/text/email constantly, and rarely (if ever) talk about their other partners. You may engage in all kinds of one-on-one activities that make it easy to forget that your partner has other romantic and emotional connections. While it’s easy to get caught up in the deep, newly-budding intimate connect, be sure to give yourself a reality check periodically. If you find you can’t bear the thought of your partner drifting away to spend time with their other partners, you may need to reevaluate your choice.

 

Federal Law and BDSM

 Posted by on October 11, 2011
Oct 112011
 

By Brian Flaherty

Over the past few decades, the number of federal criminal laws has grown dramatically. Crimes which used to be prosecuted in the states have been adopted – co-opted – by the federal code. For example, in 1994 the U.S. Congress passed the Violence against Women Act, among other things federalizing laws against domestic violence. In part the justification for passing VAWA was the perception that states were not doing enough to fight domestic violence. However, this kind of federalization of a crime which is by common law dealt with in the states is constitutionally questionable. Or to put this another way: we have local police, and we have state police. We don’t have a federal police department which should be on call to respond to domestic violence in violation of the Violence Against Women Act.

How does this play out in the world of kink and the law? Well, to begin with, the “laws against BDSM” which you’ve read so darned much about over the years – especially if you subscribe to the often.. er.. contentious (read: rife with bullying) Kink and the Law group on Fetlife – are in fact the state assault laws. The legal fact is that in many, if not most jurisdictions, you cannot legally consent to assault in the context of BDSM (or in the context of anything else that isn’t a sport). There is right now not a single legal opinion that holds that you can consent to physical assault – slapping, whipping, cutting, piercing, etc. etc. – in the context of BDSM; there are several that say you cannot. However, the practical fact is that prosecutions for consensual BDSM are extremely rare. Just to one side of non-existent, actually. So if state “laws against BDSM” are ineffective and unenforced, is there a move to federalize prosecution of BDSM? To consider this properly, you need to know about the case of United States v. Glenn Marcus.

The facts, briefly summarized *here18 USC 1591, reads in significant part: “Whoever knowingly … in or affecting interstate or foreign commerce … recruits, entices, harbors, transports, provides, or obtains by any means a person … knowing that force, fraud, or coercion … will be used to cause the person to engage in a commercial sex act [shall be guilty of a crime].” It is a law that was passed to combat the very real problem of international sex trafficking – to quote from the debates, it was passed to address the problem of women and children “forced against their will into the sex trade, transported across international borders, and left defenseless in a foreign country.” It was not passed to address issues borne of a BDSM relationship gone horribly wrong. Don’t get me wrong: I believe that as soon as the relationship between Mr. Marcus and Jodi became non-consensual, many awful crimes were committed, for which Marcus should be held criminally responsible: assault, sexual assault and false imprisonment to name a few. And certainly according to the facts and the letter of the law, Mr. Marcus could be (and was) found guilty of the federal crime of Sex Trafficking. But to allow the federal prosecution of what amounts to violations of state law sets a dangerous precedent – in criminal law generally, and in sex law especially.

The problem with the federalization of criminal law in this context is that federal criminal law is a political football. Candidates want to be seen as “tough on crime,” and so support broader and broader federal crimes, with stiffer and stiffer penalties. So the punishment for conduct in violation of a federal criminal statute can be up to 10 times the punishment for the same conduct if prosecuted under state law. Furthermore, no matter how much more tolerant of sexual identity they may try to appear, politicians – democrats and republicans alike – are increasingly conservative when it comes to punishing sexual behavior.

Is Polyamory An Orientation Or A Lifestyle Choice?

 Posted by on October 7, 2011
Oct 072011
 

By Micah Schneider

In the last month, I’ve seen this question come up in more than one place. Is polyamory something that you do, or is it something that you are? Are some people poly the same way some people are homosexual or straight, submissive or dominant or a greedy bisexual switch?

My answer is simple. Yes.

The longer answer is not so simple.

As I’ve said before, ask ten polys a question, you’ll get eleven answers. This question, whether or not polyamory is an orientation, is one of those questions. I’m very lucky in that I live in a part of the world where there are enough poly people that I can genuinely say that the majority of my friends are also poly. And most of them would probably agree with me that being poly is just as much a part of their identity as any other sexual orientation. I know because this is a fun argument to have at poly munches, and it comes up fairly regularly.

Think about it this way. If you consider yourself a submissive, are you suddenly not one anymore if you don’t current have a dominant in your life? You can ask the same question of every other sexual orientation you can think of, including heterosexuality and monogamy. Is a straight white girl suddenly not anymore if she’s single?

Of course not. It’s the same way for the rest of us.

But that’s where it gets a little complicated. Someone can be poly by orientation, meaning that they prefer to be involved in multiple loving relationships, but monogamous by circumstances or choice. In the previous century, I was legally married. My ex-wife and I were polyamorous, but we went long stretches of our marriage where it was just the two of us. That didn’t mean that we weren’t poly anymore, we just didn’t have a large dating pool to fish in at the time. I’ve heard of plenty of poly folks that choose to be monogamous with one partner, because the other person is not poly, and doesn’t want to share. There’s nothing wrong with them negotiating those limits. That’s their choice to make. Some of those people stopped identifying as poly, but just as many didn’t.

It works the other way, too. I know more than one poly couple where only one half is functionally poly. The other is mono by nature, and negotiated a poly relationship with their poly partner so that partner can express their orientation. Again, there is absolutely nothing wrong with this arrangement; it’s their business. And some of the mono partners identify as poly, but some don’t.

Again, think about it this way. If someone identifies as bisexual, and then begins a monogamous relationship with someone of the same sex, are they suddenly homosexual? Or straight, if it’s someone of the opposite sex? I don’t think so, and lots of bisexuals (maybe most) would agree.

I believe that poly and mono are orientations, the same way that homosexuality, heterosexuality and bisexuality are. I also think that pansexuality, asexuality, kink and a whole host of other alternative sexualities are also orientations. But that doesn’t mean everyone thinks about them the same way I do.

In my little “About” blurb, I describe myself as a poly, kinky heteroflexible male. Since I was being specific, I should have said I was cis male, but that’s not the point. Those things are not what I do, they are what I am. Who I am. They define me and how I look at the world. If I was suddenly single (Gods forbid!), I wouldn’t change that description to mono, vanilla heteroflexible male. Who I am is much more than how, who and how many people I like to fuck or happen to be fucking at any given time.

Social Networking and Kink – Part 2

 Posted by on October 6, 2011
Oct 062011
 

By Lucy Lemonade

The art of conversation has gotten lost in the new age of email and instant messages. Picking up on my last article regarding social networking and kink, I’m going to discuss the ins and outs of the introduction message. Many social networking sites have the ability to browse profiles and send a message. This is your time to show just how awesome you are.

Let’s say you are browsing profiles and find an amazing person you would love to meet. If you are like me, you agonize over an introductory message before sending it. As a lady who can be very picky when it comes to who I reply to, this message is your first (or last) impression.

Before you send that message, go over my tips on the perfect profile to make sure your profile is as bright and shiny as it can be. Remember, a profile picture of your penis will automatically receive an “ignore” from a majority of individuals. Next comb over this amazing individual’s profile and review the sort of kink that they are looking for. No reason to write an excellent introductory message if the person may just discard it.

While you are browsing that profile, take the time to select some specific tidbits that interested you. Perhaps a specific fetish or interest of theirs that you share. It is highly flattering to know that someone took the time to really pay attention to a profile you probably took a fair amount of time building.

Now is the hard part, the actual writing of the introduction message. The best thing is to keep it short and sweet. A five paragraph introduction can be overwhelming, but three or four well thought out sentences can keep a message from feeling daunting. An overall casual tone is best, unless you are absolutely sure the individual would desire a high protocol situation. An example is that I list myself as fairly dominant, but would be very turned off by someone using the term “Mistress” as that is not the terminology I enjoy.

It is perfectly acceptable to be honest and say “I’ve seen your profile several times but was too shy to message before” or “I just found your profile and had to message.” But there is no need to get dramatic about the situation or over-dramatize your reaction to their profile. Next would come the self-introduction. Give the name you are comfortable with whether it is your scene name or first name. It allows a nice pause in the flow of conversation when reading the message instead of placing it at the very beginning which can come across as pushy.

Fill in the middle with those interests of theirs you found earlier. Make certain not to make any aggressive assumptions of placing yourself into any of their fetishes unless you feel very certain it would be happily received. Do not gush too much, just brief compliments will do.

Wrapping up a message like this can go different ways. You can give a simple “I’d love to hear from you” or send a friend request and let them decide whether to respond to the message. Some people give out their screen name for instant messaging, but it is not my preference since I would rather chat via the site first.

Now that you have completed your perfect introduction message, make sure to hit send! And a quick note for those of you receiving these excellently thought out messages: it is only polite to give a response, even if it is a simple “thanks for writing, but I’m not interested.”

Braggin’ About Satirical Erotic Art

 Posted by on October 5, 2011
Oct 052011
 

By TM Bernard

You’ll never know what you might find in a moving sale, what bargain deal or, in this case, eye candy of the erotic kind winking at you in from behind dusty shelves. “Who made those?” I inquired, pointing at one of a three series of etchings that were uniquely naughty. It was clear that the artist, whoever he or she may have been, was a keen observer of human sexual innuendo. This was art to tickle the funny bone, and another one at that, and I wanted to know the creator’s name pronto.

What a delight to discover the wicked side of America’s satirical mastermind, Charles Bragg, an artist whose career spans decades and whose unique originals fetch hefty sums by collectors around the world. In front of me was a deal if I’d the money to spend; instead, I enjoyed this private collection and offered to babysit the pieces if the owner ever felt like sharing. Fortunately, he got the humor in that gesture, and allowed me to stare wistfully at some very fine work.

Erotica is enjoying a modern renaissance thanks in part to the Internet which has allowed artists and connoisseurs to find one another in a way unlike previous generations. That’s exposed a broader audience to the many nuances of suggestive art, and its also pushed the envelop in ways that can blur some lines, depending on perspective, of art and not-so-artistic. That problem exists for all genres, of course, but erotica, by its nature, is subject to more suspicion and criticism than non-sexual artistic works.

What struck me about seeing these images was that, though etched several years ago, they retained a genuine novelty, and not because they were shocking – on the contrary, an observer had to take a second look, and then a third to realize just what they were appreciating – but because they were smartly jovial. This was erotica that made me smile, not blush, and that sense of modest humor is something I have yet to see much in most sensual art (though to be very clear, I’m speaking as a novice).

Seeing Bragg’s work, it seems surprising to me that satirically sexy work is in such short supply. In part because it is more palatable for a wider audience, and also because American culture with regards to sex could do with a lifeline to humor.

His subjects appear as emotionally rich and real despite proportions that are more suited to the queen in Alice in Wonderland rather than real life. Oversized features, disproportionately large heads, curvaceous forms and come hither expressions characterize the men and woman, who seem not to care one bit that their pleasure opens up a window to what goes on in our own lives. Erect nipples peeking through or being tweaked, mutual arousal clearly implied, larger than life settings and desires; it’s all on display though you won’t mind one bit because it’s all so amusingly sincere despite being over the top.

I wish I could have purchased the set that day. Braggs sketches are at home in a fine gallery or a father’s apartment, which is basically where I found them, hanging on a stranger’s wall ready to be sold to the highest bidder before the owner moved away. Maybe he’ll take us up on that offer if no one buys them because come to think of it, I wasn’t really kidding. Erotic art this playful isn’t worth joking about.

 Older Entries  Newer Entries