Butch Identity #1

 Posted by on February 20, 2011
Feb 202011
 

By Shanna Katz

Hello, and welcome to the first post of the new column all about identities, Out of the Box. Throughout our lives, our identities are narrowed down to nothing more than boxes; by the census, by the doctor’s office, by almost every form you have to fill out. Sex and gender become binaries, although they usually aren’t in the real work, your race becomes nothing more than one word, orientations are just a sea of alphabet soup, and if you’re a kinkster, you’re grouped together with everyone from tickling lovers to foot fetishists to sadists. The goal of this column is to reach out to the community, ask someone in depth about one of their self-proclaimed identities, and get just a little bit more in-depth about what that particular identity means to that specific person. Thank you to Kyle of Butchtastic.Net for sharing what butch identity means.

This interview is about your Butch identity…What are some other identities of yours: genderqueer (gender identity), queer sexual identity, parent to my daughters (sometimes mommy, sometimes daddy). I’m also a geek, software engineering and technology are vocations and avocations of mine. I’m also a writer.

Define your butch identity – what does it mean to you, how long have you had this identity, how was the process of getting there? The way I now feel about my butch identity is the result of a lot of years of thinking and experiencing, embracing and rejecting. Now when I say I’m butch, I mean it more as an adjective, a description of my presentation and behavior. For a lot of years, I rejected the butch label because of some assumptions I’d formed about it, that to be butch was to mimic the behavior of men, including the behaviors I thought were negative. Some examples of negative behaviors I saw replicated in butches I knew were sexism, chauvinism — an attitude that to be masculine was to be superior to those who were feminine. The more masculine you could be, the more you could imitate the behaviors that were stereotypically male, the better you were at being butch.

That was then and this is now. I’ve had the good fortune of meeting new people, reading a lot of blogs and becoming aware of the wide variety of ways people embrace and embody butchness. I know now that I’m not the only butch who is interested in being a different kind of male, of finding a more respectful and feminist way of expressing my masculinity.

Talk about some of the language surrounding this identity – what terms do you like/dislike? Well, I guess I answered this somewhat in the previous question. I dislike the way some butches are dismissive of people expressing themselves in more feminine ways. I don’t like to see butches perpetuating sexist myths about how relationships work and all of that. However, you’re asking more about terms. There are a lot of terms I wasn’t aware of until Butch Voices: stud, aggressive, macha. These are not terms I use myself, but I don’t have an issue with them. If you have specific terms you’d like feedback on, let me know. Terms I like and use a lot are genderqueer and trans-masculine. I use transgender when I know I can use it in such a way that people understand I’m not claiming transsexual identity. I still find masculine-of-center to be awkward, but I understand its meaning and application.

What are some common questions you get about this identity? How do you answer them and how do they make you feel? One of the things that makes my wife and I laugh and shake our heads is the assumption that she *must* have carried and given birth to both of our daughters. The impression we get is that this assumption is based on her more traditionally feminine appearance vs. my very masculine appearance. Most of the time we laugh and shrug it off, but we do make sure they know the truth: I did get pregnant, carry and give birth to our first child. What saddens me about this assumption is that it shows how limiting stereotypes about gender roles can be. It saddens me that other butches may think they can’t get pregnant and have babies without negating their butchness. And that makes me think of J Wallace’s excellent story ”The Manly Art of Pregnancy” in Gender Outlaws: The Next Generation. There are also assumptions about sexual roles and limitations for butches. That the butch is the sexual aggressor, the butch is the ’man’ in the relationship (and all the stereotypical crap that comes with), etc. To me, these limitations are sad and unhealthy. I’m a butch who is happy to be the giver or receiver of sexual pleasure in my relationships. People are surprised, and even shocked, to learn that I am happily fulfilled by being submissive in my D/s relationship. When confronted by the shock of one of my butch friends at this revelation, I wasn’t surprised, but I was amused, for two reasons: masculinity tends to be equated with strength and emotional control and submission is seen as weak, emasculating. Submission, like most things, is not a single, narrowly defined expression. I express submission through strength, control, dedication and service. To me this lines up with my identity as butch and masculine very nicely.

I guess my feelings about these assumptions and limitations are that its sad people can’t see beyond the very limited scope of what the media or their personal experiences have shown them. My philosophy of life is built around the principal that we should all be allowed to self-label and determine for ourselves what those labels mean. Any limits on what kind of experiences we can have, what activities we can engage in and how we derive pleasure, should also be self-determined — not dictated by others.

What are some of the positives of having this identity? Well, I’m going to copy from my ButchLab Symposium #1 contribution to answer this one:

I love the word butch, it looks and feels exactly the way it should: tough, masculine, a little hard. For me, ‘butch’ evokes images of blue jeans and leather jackets, sturdy footwear and strong hands. ’Butch’ is strong, handsome, capable, ready to help, there to back up a friend or a stranger in need. And while I realize it’s not true for all who embrace the term, for me, butch is all the great things about being a woman, wrapped in the great things about being a man.

What are some of the struggles that have come along with this identity? I think reconciling my notion of having a masculine identity within a female body and not falling into the stereotypical patterns of chauvinism and sexism are a challenge. Dealing with the assumptions other people have about butchness is frustrating. I don’t want people to look at me and pass judgment based on my appearance. I’m also feeling, more and more, that I want to challenge other trans-masculine people to think more about sexism and the abuse of male privilege and attitudes that sometimes come with butch identity. It seems really unfortunate that someone born to a female body, who has undoubtedly encountered sexism, demeaning attitudes and slang and all the negative gender pigeon-holing that comes with being born female, would choose to perpetuate those attitudes and biases. It’s one of the most unfortunate and, frankly, disgusting ways anybody expresses masculinity, and even harder to understand and accept coming from people who have had the opportunity to learn better through their own experiences.

Another misconception I’ve run into is that if you’re butch, you must be into femmes. I’m not saying I don’t like femmes, but my sexual attraction is not limited to people who identify that way. I’m attracted to all kinds of women, as well as other butches, trans guys and some cis-men. The flip side of that assumption is that the women I am involved with are femme. People treat them in ways that are not always well received because of that assumption. My presence with them changes other people’s perceptions of them.

How does this identity fit or not fit with your other identities? The way I explain myself, identity-wise is this: My sexual preference is queer, my gender is genderqueer and my presentation is butch.

How do you feel this identity is received in the sexuality and/or sex positive communities? I think there is a lot of fetishizing of the masculine female in some areas of the country and some communities. I’ve become more and more aware of cis-men fetishizing butch women and trans men, which I would not have guessed based on my own community. I think most people expect butches to be sexually dominant, as well as the person most likely to be dominant in D/s relationships. There are some pervasive stereotypes about butches concerning sexual and emotional inaccessibility. Stone sexuality is certainly a well-known and valid sexual expression for butches, but not all butches are stone, regardless the tendency to see us as more stone than not. On the positive side, it’s very exciting to see trans-masculine individuals becoming more prominent in queer porn, and having leadership roles in communities of all kinds.

What else do you want people to know about this identity? There are as many ideas on what butch means as there are people who call themselves butch. To get a taste of some of that variety, people should read some blogs by butch identified people. Another great source of different philosophies and approaches to butchness is ButchLab.com. I would encourage people to look beyond the stereotypes and get to know individuals. That’s my message for those who are butch as well as those who are not. And if, like me, you rejected butch as a potential identity, maybe now is the time to take a second look. Be the butch you want to be, don’t be scared off by the way others are butch.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

 Posted by on February 19, 2011
Feb 192011
 

By Sarah Sloane

Dear Readers,

This month, my column isn’t an answer to a single email. It’s a response to a number of people who contacted me in various ways to ask if I could give them some input on how to handle breakups involving our partners and their other partners, or within a poly group. I couldn’t find a way to aggregate their letters to me, so I wanted to just talk briefly about how we handle ourselves, and how we support and protect our partners when relationships end.

Sadly, all relationships will eventually come to an end – it’s the nature of relationships to change over time, and sometimes those changes take us in a direction that we may not have anticipated. And when a relationship ends, it affects everyone around – especially the people with an emotional investment in the relationship, whether through other partners or through chosen family.

There is, however, no easy etiquette guide to explain how to deal with it in a way that isn’t harmful to anyone else, allows us to support our loved ones, and shows respect to everyone involved. I can, however, offer a few tried-and-true ways to get through it…

-Remember that in most situations, a break up is not the fault of just one person. There are a few cases when one person decides to end the relationship unilaterally, but in the majority of situations, the break up is the end of a path of working through problems and finding that the best solution (or the only solution remaining) is to end the relationship. Seeing a relationship ending as a black and white, winner and loser proposition is usually inaccurate – and often very unfair to everyone involved.

-We can offer our support without taking sides, or blaming, or trying to undermine our partners. Asking how we can help, letting them vent or cry, telling them that we are sorry that they’re hurting, and even giving them privacy when needed to work through their feelings are all great ways to give them support.

-It can be painful to watch someone that we love in pain. Our pain may express itself as anger directed at the other person (or even towards our beloved), or it may come out as guilt, frustration, or depression. These are all normal, natural feelings; giving ourselves permission to feel them and to use our own support system is important. I do, however, recommend that we don’t process our own feelings with our partner, if at all possible; adding more to their plate of things to deal with can make their healing process even more challenging.

-Acknowledging that the breakup will likely change the lives of the rest of the poly group is important, too. Everyone may feel a bit of chaos, confusion, and grief over the change; when we love someone, the people that they love become a part of our lives. Honor your own needs to grieve for the change in your family or poly group, and take care of yourself as well as your partner.

-Remember that you have the right to maintain a friendship or relationship with your partner’s ex-partner. The “old school” way of dealing with breakups is that we automatically shun anyone who’s broken up with our friends, and that isn’t so healthy when we’re working with a concept of family that encourages us to expand our definition of love and relationship. Give it some time, and don’t rub your partner’s nose in it… but if the person is important to you, then don’t give it up. Just as your lover had the right to determine their relationship status with their ex, so do you.

-Avoid gossip (especially in email or online forums) about the relationship. While your partner may very well have been wronged, saying so in a public or semi-public way creates even more drama, and makes it harder for our lovers to heal a broken heart. Emotional pain should be as private as the people who are experiencing it wish to be; honor their feelings, and don’t add to the public face of a breakup. The community is, in actuality, very small – and we can help it be healthier as a whole if we encourage respect instead of gossip.

-Life does, eventually, move on – and so must you all. Staying stuck in the pain of the breakup for a long time isn’t healthy for anyone; make sure you know the difference between mourning and refusing to move forward. We may have to encourage our partners to pick up the rest of their life – including the parts of our relationship that we may have had to put on hold while they were grieving. Treat them as you would a dear friend – encourage them to do what they need to do, but remind them that the rest of the world cares about them and wants them to be involved, too.

My heart goes out to everyone involved, when breakups like this happen – but knowing how to offer the needed support to our partners and the rest of our poly family can help us not only survive, but grow as a result of the challenge.

He Believes in Me

 Posted by on February 17, 2011
Feb 172011
 

By Rayne

I always find it difficult to explain our dynamic. I am a willing slave. I gave M complete ownership of me. And yet, saying that doesn’t tell you much. For a person can own someone completely, but choose not to take complete control. And unless you’ve been exposed to kink on some level, the images that come to mind when one mentions slavery are not pretty.

One of the most difficult aspects for even some kinky people to understand is that I am his slave first, and his wife second in most things. For us, the line is often blurred. It’s hard to tell where one stops and the other begins. There isn’t much to the two roles that is different, as far as we’re concerned. The main difference, really, is love.

From our perspective, love isn’t a necessity in an owner/property relationship, like it is a marriage, and often has no bearing on his interactions with me that require separating the wife from the slave. That it exists within the confines of our owner/property relationship is a testament only to how our relationship works, and not how things should be.

We do love each other. Very much.

Because M loves me, he wants me to be happy. But only if he is.

I mean, think about it. Do you tip your waitress if she’s pissy, lazy, and disinterested? If the cab driver took the long way, thus upping your fare by $2, and he was a jerk the whole way, you’re certainly not going to tip him. The paper boy who always puts the paper under your sprinkler won’t be getting anything more than the price of the subscription. The stylist won’t get paid at all, much less get a tip, if your hair isn’t picture perfect when you walk out the salon.

Why should an owner worry about his human property’s happiness if his property isn’t living up to her potential?

In that respect, we are so many things to each other. Our relationship often very much resembles one of a parent and a child, or a student and a teacher. M spends a lot of time teaching me his perception of society, while allowing me my own. I can believe pretty much whatever I want, so long as it doesn’t jibe with his training, or my service. Because our core beliefs regarding our relationship are the same, nothing else I believe matters, much.

I used to think that wasn’t true. I used to think that if we didn’t agree on things, our relationship would fall apart. I used to think that thinking M is wrong about something would shatter the foundation of his ownership. In my mind. Because really, that’s the only place his ownership exists. Our minds. We both know that legally, he can’t own me.

But people disagree. Everyone’s different, has different experiences, reacts to things differently. And it’s really not necessary to believe everything your partner believes, in any walk of life. You can still idolize someone when they’re wrong. I do. Especially when they can admit when they’re wrong.

A major part of being married and being in an owner/property relationship, I think, is learning from each other. A friend once said to me, ”Eventually, one of you is going to grow. And if the other can’t, or won’t, there will be a problem.”

I thought she was just being a bitch. We always shoot the messenger when we think we hear something that isn’t said. But over the past year, I’ve begun to see what she was talking about. There are ways that M and I have changed, separately and together. Vast shifts in our views on life, politics and the way of the world. Wants, needs and personality changes that could have put serious strain on our relationship if either of us had gone in a different direction.

We’ve slipped into this sort of autopilot. Not the monotonous kind that can kill even the strongest of relationships. But the good kind, where he rarely has to discipline me, and we spend a lot of time doing fun things, like pain play, or cuddling on the Cocoon, or going to some local even that benefits our city, or… something. Just going with the flow. And it feels really good.

He’s pleased with our life, and my behavior. And because of my behavior, he’s learned that he can trust me to think for myself, and still be what I promised him I would. I’m not allowed autonomy, but I am allowed to have thoughts, and feelings, and opinions. I’m happy that he’s pleased, and having someone believe in me has done wonders for my self esteem. And inside the comfort of contentment, we’ve both found a safe place in which to grow. Together.

An Unending Labor… of Love

 Posted by on February 16, 2011
Feb 162011
 

By Mako Allen

The Tao is divided into two distinct halves, yin and yang. We’ve all seen the yin-yang symbol, the taijitu before. What many people don’t know is that yang is the male half, and one of its meanings is sunlight on the face of a mountain. Yin is the female half, and one of its meanings is the shadow cast in the valley of that same mountain. Thus yin is most definitely female, and you my friends, have gone and gotten her pregnant.

Verse Six:

The valley spirit never dies

Call it the mystery, the woman.

The mystery,

the Door of the Woman,

is the root

of earth and heaven.

Forever this endures, forever.

And all its uses are easy.

So this “valley spirit”, is yin, the feminine aspect of the Tao, hard at work being both the wife and mother of simply everyone and everything. Yin is your mother. She made you, and the chair you’re sitting in, and the computer you’re reading this on. She’s everyone’s mom.

But she didn’t make you alone. Her husband, or maybe husbands impregnated her with purpose, with drive. Your dad was one of those husbands. But so was your mother. So was every person they’ve ever known, and every person you’ve ever known, or will know.

Even you are her husband. That’s right. And that coffee you’re spitting out right about now, she made that too.

What this means is that you and the Tao are partners in creation, together. When you get that look in your eye, she opens herself to you, and the two of you make all sorts of things. When you first decided to become kinky, she helped you to bring the new braver person you were becoming into the world. When you decide that maybe you’re not just a submissive, but could be a top too, maybe a switch, she’s there, helping you bring that new aspect of yourself into the world.

Yin is amazing though. The way she gives birth is unlike any other woman in this world. For one, she’s never done giving birth. She’s in a constant state of labor. Right after she was done giving birth to you, she was already working on all sorts of aspects of you, like your aging, growth, and language skills.

The wonderful thing about her labor too, is that it’s painless. She’s never too tired, never too worn out to push some more, and bring yet something else new into the world, or into your life.

Remember that feeling when you were very young, that the world was just filled with potential, with things for you to learn? It’s still true! I always laugh when I hear someone say that they are done with something, that they’ve learned all there is to learn, or they’ve had their fill of it.

We are our mother’s children. Just like she’s never done with change, neither are we.

I’ve seen this at work in my own kinky life, time and again. When I first embraced my kink, I was a submissive, very fixated on spanking, and terrified of openly embracing my nature as an adult baby. Yin gently prodded me into taking those first baby steps into scene clubs, into play, into trying new things, meeting new people, experiencing new sensations. It wasn’t long before this spanking-obsessed boy was getting tied up, and trying abrasion play.

Ironically, as I grew in my own sexual and social maturity, I was able to embrace my identity as an adult baby, and openly admit my diaper fetish, my regression, and my edgier desires related to it.

As I further matured, and began to treat Yin like my lover, and not just my mother, I took an active hand in exploring who and what I could become. I realized I was polyamorous, and a switch. I started to see the joy of ageplay from the Big’s side.

Lao-tzu is right about one more wonderful aspect of Yin, which is that her children never really die either. Inside, I’m still that shy, new hesitant bottom, who treasures each and every smack I get on my backside. Yet at the same time, I’m also that confident, seasoned scene veteran, who can appreciate how great it was to be that guy, and how terrific it is that I’m still giving birth to yet newer, different incarnations of myself.

Because the truth is, when you get yin pregnant, her labor is a labor of love.

The Sensation of Clothing

 Posted by on February 15, 2011
Feb 152011
 

By Julian Wolf

I think it was early high school when someone first asked me why I wore velvet, silk (and their less expensive counterparts) year round. I remember replying without too much consideration that they just feel good. I then started to pay a bit more attention and realized that almost everything I owned either had a pleasantly tactile texture such as velvet, velveteen, silk, sateen, soft cottons, acrylic and poly blends and a variety of both real and faux furs and leathers. I tended (and still tend) to run my hand across racks of clothing until something feels nice, and then search for it in my size. Everything that didn’t fit into the delightfully tactile category were fancy dress, vintage and/or uniform pieces. I didn’t give it a lot of additional thought at the time, as I was far too busy being a teenager. Fast forward a few years and I find myself away from home, dancing our local club’s “Goth Night” every Thursday. Each week found me in either the obligatory next-to-nothing or donned head to toe in everything from suits to ball gowns. Many of my outfits consisted of little more than long silk scarves, frequently the same ones I wore tied around my neck other weeks. At some point in the early 2000s I was given the title of “Prince,” and while that was more related to my role than my clothing, my love fine dress coupled with hats and gloves became somewhat of a calling card. In all of this, I’ve found over the years that “dressing the part” isn’t just something you should do for job interviews, meetings and role playing.

The clothing that you wear can (and perhaps should) be both a statement as to who you are/what you’re doing, and a way to exercise your hedonistic side. I have found making statements with fashion worthwhile enough to integrate that intention into my lifestyle. While dandyism suggests a specific aesthetic, many of the delights of dandyism can be integrated into any style and presentation. It’s really all about the details. Is there a particular material that you enjoy? One doesn’t need to have the same level of fetish and fixation that “Venus in Furs” author and basis of the word masochism Leopold von Sacher-Masoch had with furs (and beautiful, cruel women in them) to enjoy tactile sensation. If you go look in your closet, chances are you have at least one “favorite thing” that you like to wear based primarily on sensation. I have a tee shirt that I’ve had since elementary school that I love wearing not only because of the pleasant memories, but because in its own age, it is incredibly soft. That softness is a frequent comfort while lounging about my home. On the opposite side, I have a scarf that my grandmother gave me that I’ve been tying into a cravat, wearing in my hair, using as evening scarf with suits or tying around hats for years, and not just due to its versatile color. I find the sensation of it around my neck or across my fingertips quite pleasing. In the days when I was working a mundane office job, I would frequently find an excuse to integrate the scarf into outfits so I would have an easy and subtle distraction on my most stressful days. The tactile reminder of more pleasant things was quite comforting.

For those of us given the opportunity, a pair of gloves can change a mundane experience to a private scene of sensory deprivation and management. I have a myriad of gloves, some purchased for their appearance, others for their warmth, and all for the wonderful potential that they hold both as fashion and hedonistic accessories.

As promised, each month I will be propositioning you with something that I hope will make your life just a little more interesting. Dear readers, let me propose that you take a moment to let your fingertips graze across the hem of whatever you happen to be wearing. Pant or skirt, shirt or sweater, glove or scarf, whatever you happen to be covered with will work. (If you are currently nude, let me suggest that you take a moment the next time that you don clothing to accept my proposal.) In that quick gesture, did you notice if the material is smooth or rough? Warm or cool? Are your fingertips quickly done with the process or are they tingling with the sensation? I propose that you now take a moment to really experience what your wearing. How does each garment feel and make you feel? Are you in clothing for work, play or both? Are you dressed for a date, meeting or something else entirely? With your eyes closed, imagine that you had gone to sleep nude and awoke to find yourself in these clothes- gently move and feel the material on your skin- could you guess what you were wearing even before opening your eyes? Are you comfortable or uncomfortable? (We don’t always dress for comfort.) Does the experience prepare you for what is to come? Taking a moment to experience your body in your clothing can turn any moment into a hedonistic wonderland.

Enjoy yourself.

Human Dignity

 Posted by on February 10, 2011
Feb 102011
 

By C.K. Persons

The life and dignity of the human person is the foundational belief of Catholic Social Thought. Genesis, the first book of the Hebrew Scriptures (Old Testament), highlights the Judeo-Christian belief in the inherent goodness of creation. God calls creation good six times and adds the superlative “very good” on the seventh time (Genesis 1:31). Seven in the Bible symbolically emphasizes complete; creation, in other words, is completely good. The divine permeates all that exists. Each human person has an immeasurable worth and dignity. This dignity serves as the starting point for all interpersonal and societal relations.

On their surface, things like bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism seem at best to disregard human dignity and at worst to destroy it. An isolated photo of a man standing over a woman whom he has hogtied is not the poster for human dignity in mainstream society. Such violence against women could (should?) stir outrage in the viewer. A video that depicts a man licking the dirty boots of a woman will not, of course, be used by the U.S. Conference of Bishops to illustrate the infinite value of human life. But does BDSM really degrade the dignity of humans?

There will be those who unequivocally answer in the affirmative because they believe that certain acts – regardless of the intentions and circumstances involved – are wrong (illegal, evil, sinful, etc.). But I argue that not only does BDSM not necessarily degrade dignity but it can, in fact, promote it. It is all about the relationships – and what those relationships cultivate in each person.

A non-consensual relationship – a woman is hogtied against her will – and unsafe practices that truly jeopardize the health and well-being of a person are clearly at the very least problematic. Unfortunately, some people and societies falsely assume that all BDSM is non-consensual, unsafe and, therefore, wrong and/or illegal. The reality is that for some people (many, many more people than is popularly acknowledged), for a whole variety of reasons, kinky sexuality is not only safe, sane, and consensual, but it actually promotes the dignity of the persons who practice such sexual behavior.

Kinky relationships can allow people to be themselves in a way never before experienced. The freedom to be kinky opens hearts, bodies, and minds to unconditional acceptance – and to feel such a welcoming embrace is as freeing and dignifying an experience as anything we humans can have. Deep thought goes into many of the sexual “scenes” between partners – with careful attention to the exact needs of the persons before, during, and after the scene. All relationships – but especially kinky ones – require excellent communication between partners, and to the extent such communication takes place, dignity is enhanced, for each person is entirely respected.

The measure of a good relationship (institution), according to Catholic Social Thought, is the extent that the relationship actually enhances human dignity. No relationship automatically promotes dignity, but the ones that increase unconditional acceptance and thorough communication sure do. And there is no shortage of BDSM relationships that confirm the complete goodness of each person. Kinky sexuality can – and does – promote human dignity.

Mr. No Short-Term Memory

 Posted by on February 8, 2011
Feb 082011
 

By Amethyst Wonder

I was going to write about the phenomenon of Mr. Cut & Paste. You know the guy: he sends you a message that is clearly a form letter he sends out to everyone he has any potential interest in. It’s annoying. Anyone who may be employing this method, take note: we know. We know, and we are not impressed. An extra 20 seconds to personalize the message in some fashion goes a long way. Think of it as a cover letter.

But a recent message has inspired me to focus on a subset of Mr. Cut & Paste – an even more annoying phenomenon known as Mr. No Short-Term Memory.

A couple of months ago I got a message from a guy on CollarMe. It was probably a cut and paste message, but not obviously so. I was in an optimistic mood and I thought he might fit a specific niche I was trying to fill at the time. I sent him a brief reply.

I didn’t get a response. No worries. I certainly don’t base my self-worth on my CollarMe response rate. It happens. I didn’t think much of it. But then a curious thing happened: he wrote me the same introductory message again. The exact same message. Sensing good fodder for my next happy hour story, I wrote him back again… referencing his earlier communication.

He made a lame excuse about not wanting to assume that I would remember his earlier message – which made no sense at all, considering 1) I had returned his message, 2) it had only been two weeks, and 3) he made no reference to any earlier communication. I decided he had outlived his entertainment value, so I didn’t respond.

Flash forward another month and a half. There it is again in my inbox: same guy, same message. At this point he graduated from being made fun of among my friends to being the subject of this article.

Listen, I get that some people play the numbers. Some people fire at as many people as possible, hoping that a low percentage response rate will be offset by pure volume. After all, 1% of 500 is still 5. It’s not my strategy, but it seems to be worth it for some. Even so, I would think that success would correlate to remembering who you’ve written to and responding appropriately.

Moral of the story: If you’re going use a mass-marketing approach, you still have to manage your follow-up.

Moral of the story #2: If you do not have the capacity to remember who you’ve written to, check your f’ing sent messages folder.

Policing Our Communities

 Posted by on February 7, 2011
Feb 072011
 

By Shanna Katz

I love being queer, and most of the time, I love the queer community. However, I don’t like the policing that often goes on inside the queer community, and I’m now seeing similar policing happening in the kink community, and I’m sorry, but I think it is poppy cock!

Since when was bisexuality not welcome under the umbrella of queerness? How can we judge people for being true to their orientation and their attractions when that is exactly what were are not wanting ourselves to be judge on? And how about how much of the queer community treats queer women who end up in relationships/marriages with cisgender men? Suddenly, members of the queer community act as though these women are no longer queer, have turned their backs on the community, or have become the enemy, simply by falling in love with someone the community deems “inappropriate.”

I see this happening in the kink community as well. Just like in the queer community where people are judged “queer enough” or not, the kink community sometimes sets guidelines for what makes you “kinky enough.” If you don’t play in public, if you’re not in a D/s or M/s relationship, if you don’t like giving/getting pain, if you’re not interested in protocol, etc, all of these things have been reasons for people to be deemed not “real” kinksters or “not kinky enough.”

What the heck is wrong with us? We are minority communities, ones that operate outside of the defaults of society. How dare we police within our own communities, making judgments on others as to whether WE think they are enough of anything. How can we call ourselves an open and accepting community when we tell people that they can’t be part of it because who they are/aren’t attracted to, or because their kinks don’t match our own?

As minority groups, we need to gain strength in numbers by being welcoming and supportive of all those who identify, rather than weaken our communities by putting up walls and random gates. Who are we to be gate keepers to those who seek to find solidarity? When we make such judgments, create such boundaries and divides, and tell those who want to join us that they aren’t enough, we then become as judgmental as those who judge us. As communities, we seek acceptance and understanding from the mainstream world, but how can we hope for such a thing when we ourselves fail to demonstrate these traits?

The queer community has enough room for lesbians, bisexuals, gays, queers, questioning people, intersex folk, transfolk, gender queer individuals, curious ones, picky people, femmes, butches, bois, grrls, dykes, fags, androgynous people, pansexuals, heteroflexibles, homoflexibles, and every other permutation of the concept of non-heterosexuality. The kink community has space for masters, mistresses, slaves, submissives, perverts, kinksters, sadists, masochists, mommies, daddies, littles, fetishists, babies, ponies, puppies, moose, butch hunters, ringmasters, dom(me)s, service folk, sluts, chastity lovers, voyeurs, exhibitionists, home players, public players and everyone else. The more that our communities can group, exhibit support for ALL of our members and sustain ourselves, the more we will be accepted in society, and the more power we will have to create change.

The Canadian Battle over Polygamy

 Posted by on February 5, 2011
Feb 052011
 

By Aimee Bouchard

Canada is in the midst of a long legal battle addressing the constitutionality of a federal law banning plural marriage. Oral evidence began in the British Columbian Supreme Court in November 2010 and is still ongoing. The main focus of this court case has been a small Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints community in Bountiful, British Columbia. The local government asked the British Columbian Supreme Court to examine the constitutionality of the federal law, presumably so that they can then prosecute the members of this small community. While many couch this argument as a Freedom of Religion argument versus The rights of women and children to live free of abuse, the constitutionality of s.293 of the Canadian Criminal Code is also of significant interest to the polyamorous community in Canada and elsewhere.

While this legal battle is focusing on the FDLS community, this federal law impacts those in the polyamorous community as well. Canadian Criminal Code S. 293 bans polygamy, but is worded so broadly that “Any kind of conjugal union with more than one person at a time,” falls under the law. It is easy to see how this can cause difficulty for any polyamorous union, regardless of whether or not they have attempted any sort of marriage ceremony. The Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association, “http://polyadvocacy.ca”polyadvocacy.ca, formed in 2009 in response to the court case. They filed evidence as an Interested Person in this case, filing six affidavits describing polyamory and polyamorous families.

The full text of Section 293 is as follows:

1. Every one who:


(a) practices or enters into or in any manner agrees or consents to practice or enter into


(i) any form of polygamy, or


(ii) any kind of conjugal union with more than one person at the same time, whether or not it is by law recognized as a binding form of marriage, or



(b) celebrates, assists or is a party to a rite, ceremony, contract or consent that purports to sanction a relationship mentioned in subparagraph (i) or (ii),

is guilty of an indictable offense and liable to imprisonment for a term not exceeding five years.

2. Where an accused is charged with an offense under this section, no averment or proof of the method by which the alleged relationship was entered into, agreed to or consented to is necessary in the indictment or on the trial of the accused, nor is it necessary on the trial to prove that the persons who are alleged to have entered into the relationship had or intended to have sexual intercourse.1

The way I read this statute, even showing up at a ceremony celebrating the relationship of your friends in a poly triad could potentially land you in prison for up to five years. Is that likely? Of course not. But the stigma of having simply the existence of your relationship being illegal is hard to stomach. And for many that fear can impact your daily life, affecting the way you interact with neighbors, doctors, or teachers.

Bountiful does have some issues that most would find objectionable, including child abuse, teen pregnancy, domestic violence, and a significant lack of high school graduates. It is easy to see why local law enforcement would like to be able to prosecute some members of this community. But the way I see it, the ban on marriage isn’t targeting the actual harm, it is a catchall that unfortunately encompasses many more families and relationships than the abusive situations that hit the media.

Why not prosecute the harmful elements of polygamy, the child abuse and domestic violence, not the marriage? Is the marriage, in and of itself, the harm that the government is seeking to avoid? I think no. It is coercion, lack of consent, and the forced marriages of underaged brides that is the real harm. Address the issues of teen pregnancy and the lack of high school diplomas, not the concept of plural marriage. Why punish those who are not participating in the more objectionable practices?

Another argument for decriminalizing polygamy is that it could then give women and children in abusive relationships more power to break free. If they were no longer afraid of being arrested for violating the law against plural marriage, women could go to the police without fear of prosecution when issues of domestic violence and child abuse do occur.

I think that the broad wording of this statute will make this a very interesting case for polyamorous people to watch. Although the law was intended to ban Mormon polygamy, the law as it is written could be used against anyone engaged in an open relationship. And if Canada finds this law unconstitutional, could poly marriage be on its way to the United States as well?

Negotiation

 Posted by on February 4, 2011
Feb 042011
 

By Katie Diamond

Let’s face it–not everything is peachy keen and sunshine sparkles when it comes to negotiating a relationship, regardless of whether that relationship is open or poly or mono. Communication is a sticky thing, and sometimes, that stickiness can cause the wheels of a relationship to grind to a halt.

We’ve already discussed how to really deal with jealousy… But what happens when it’s not about jealousy? Sometimes, the logistics of living an open, honest, polyamorous relationship can simply shut down a conversation or cause distress for one or both parties. Taking into consideration that the mantra is to “always be in touch with how you’re feeling,” consider these tools and scenarios when figuring out your poly-magic-life.

1. Your partner has plans with their sweetie, and you find yourself without plans of your own. You find yourself feeling sorta crunchy and strangely lonely, and find yourself getting snippy when they try to figure out the weekend logistics with you. What do you do?

– Okay, for one, breathe. This isn’t about what your partner is or is not doing right now–it’s about you. Take a moment before you respond, or, if you need to, come back to the conversation tomorrow.

– Next, let your partner express what they want for their weekend, and how they want it to play out. Don’t interrupt.

– After hearing their piece, let the information settle, and consider your options. Do you have enough time to make plans of your own? Have you taken time for yourself at all this week? Once you decide what your own best plan of action is, lay it out to your partner in a respectful manner.

– Still feeling a little funky? No worries–your feelings are valid! The rule here is to make sure you take care of yourself without making your crunchy feelings your partner’s responsibility.

2. You go to an rock concert, and run into your partner’s other sweetie. You haven’t met yet, and you aren’t ready, but you have tickets to the show. What do you do?

– Again–breathe. Take a second. Are you uncomfortable? Nervous? Give yourself a moment to figure out your own feelings.

– Most likely, you both know who the other one is. It would be strange to pretend you didn’t, or that you didn’t see them. You don’t need to hang out with them–but perhaps this is the time for an introduction. Nothing fancy, a “Hi, nice to meet you” is grand.

– Now go about your business! Unless by some trick of fate you’re both seated next to each other, no need to hang about.

– Still have a funny feeling in your tummy? If you have a second, call a good friend–tell them what’s going on. That’s why we have friends, so we can avoid imploding.

What are our take-aways, people? Breathe. Take a moment. Think about your feelings. Consider your next plan of action. Take care of yourself without making other people alter their own needs. More poly-magic-living scenarios coming your way soon!

 Older Entries  Newer Entries