Creating Partnership Daily in a Polyamorous Relationship

 Posted by on October 27, 2010
Oct 272010
 

By Miss Indigo

Polyamorous relationships rely on communication and partnership. This article explores how to establish partnership with a primary partner – on a day to day basis and at the level of polyamory.

My partner and I have been polyamorous off and on for the last 2 years. Four months ago we moved in together and officially committed to a lifelong partnership. I moved my boxes in, made my side of the bed comfy and prepared for our relationship to seamlessly come together. It was not until recently that I noticed my partner’s frustrations at my arrival. Adding another person in a small space means more clothing, more dishes, more cats (my partner and I each had 2 cats before the move) and more complaints, concerns and worries. As only children and “lone rangers”, we realized that much of what we do is in private. So to have someone living in my space, witnessing the silly things I do by myself was such a strange experience. For several weeks after the move, we were weird with one another; a little snippy, a little quiet and a little distant.

Somewhere in there we started talking. We realized that we were partners who had not yet created partnership. We had not shared with each other our schedules, we never told one another when we fed the cats (so the cats got really fat) and we were barely communicating about what domestic practices made us feel at peace at home. So we created a calendar together and talked about responsibilities around the house. I told her that I hated that fact that our desk was filled with clutter and she promised to clean it up before November. She shared with me that she cringes when I leave wet towels on the bed, so I make an effort daily to remember to hang up my towel. We are still creating a job chart but we realized that putting systems in place in our household makes our daily lives easier and it keeps us from wanting to strangle each other. My partner has learned to share her anxieties with me more frequently. I’ve learned how to compromise about my usual habits and listen to the needs of my partner.

Since that conversation, we have learned to accommodate for each other and bring love to all of our conversations. As a polyamorous couple, we negotiate our relationship on a whole other level. In addition to dealing with each other, we deal with our shared as well as individual play partners. Partnership comes into play in our poly relationship when we express our desires and negotiate what each of us is comfortable with. Much of our poly relationship is maintained through our communication. We talk openly about the kinds of partners we want in our lives and practice negotiating our boundaries with each other. We also do a lot of debriefing (or “processing” as us lesbians like to call it), speaking about our reactions to others and un-packing our jealousy, fears and insecurities.

Relationships don’t just happen, they grow. It takes a lot of work and a lot of maintenance to keep a connection going. And for me and my primary, it takes a combination of communication and partnership for us to live together and love each other to the fullest of our ability.

Sex on the Rag

 Posted by on October 26, 2010
Oct 262010
 

By Deirdre O’Donnell

Although many women are taught from a young age that menstruation is “unclean” or “unhygienic,” this concept is a social construction that feeds off of women’s insecurities by profiting from an industry. In reality, there is nothing dirty about menstruation. Menstrual blood is a natural bodily fluid like any other, and sex, however you define it, can be really beneficial during menstruation. There are many advantages to sex on the period!

It is important to note that menstrual blood is not like the blood running through our veins. It is the shedding of uterine lining that passes through the cervical opening (also known as the os) and through the vagina. It can carry sexually transmitted infections, so it is important to use necessary protection; however, there is nothing unhealthy or detrimental about engaging in sexual activity during this time. This can be especially lovely because menstrual blood is a 100 percent safe; it is a latex-friendly lubricant, so you won’t even have to check the ingredients to make sure there is no glycerin in it that could cause yeast infections! So, for those who love their lubes, this is a great thing to try. For those who have trouble getting wet and don’t feel comfortable using lubricant, this is an all natural method that can help you out, too! It is also a common idea that women feel quick and primal urges for sex while menstruating, perhaps due to the heightened emotional state and hormonal changes. Orgasms can also cause contractions that increase blood flow, which can be a taboo, hot physical sign of good sex! But don’t rely on this for everyone, every-body’s different. What is sexy is communicating about your desires and those of your partner(s), and figuring out what signs of coming are unique to your sex life.

However, the contractions that may be induced by orgasms during sex push blood from the uterus into the vagina, which can help relieve cramping, since the hormones that typically cause cramps to begin with are being processed by the body. Endorphins are also released during sex which create those feel-good sensations similar to the “high” experienced post-exercise. This is a healthy and natural way to relieve inconvenient pain caused by your period (or your partner’s period), and can be a free and fun alternative to taking pain killers every six hours. Just bang like bunny rabbits all you want, instead! This works for people of all sexualities and doesn’t refer only to sexual intercourse. If you want to go down on a menstruating partner, this could be a fun way to incorporate a dental dam into your sex life. If you don’t use protection for this act, there is nothing particularly harmful about it, only the risks always taken when having unprotected sex. It is also totally possible to become pregnant while menstruating, especially since sperm can live inside the body for several days, however, it is usually unlikely because at this time the uterine lining is already being shed because no fertilization took place during that menstrual cycle. The period may also end for some people shortly after sex since the body extracts blood more rapidly.

If you’d like to have sex while menstruating and you are feeling self conscious about making a mess, go out and purchase a “sex towel”, some other large piece of fabric to place underneath you and your partner(s) while in bed, or wet wipes/washcloths to keep close by and dive right in! Metaphorically of course, unless that’s your thing…

A Couple of Resources: http://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/sex-during-your-period.aspx
http://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/101/specialist/berman/sex-during-period.aspx

Priorities and Polyamory

 Posted by on October 24, 2010
Oct 242010
 

By Micah Schneider

Time is the one thing you can never have enough of, and time management is an essential relationship skill, particularly for poly people. There are only so many hours in the day, and after all of the stuff you have to do, figuring out how to juggle your partners and their wants and needs can be daunting.

The first thing to remember is the most obvious. Before you can prioritize your partner’s needs, you need to know what they are. And the best way to do that is to ask them. Go through any Internet group or message board, and you’ll find numerous examples of people that forget this most basic rule. As always, the Threefold Law of Relationships comes first: Communicate, Communicate, Communicate!

What do you do if your partners needs conflict with each other? It is probably never a bad idea to prioritize the needs of the partner you live with over one(s) that you don’t. If the person or people you are living with are not happy with how much time you’re spending basking in NRE with your new sweetie, or mad at you for canceling plans in order to jump in the sack with your OSO, you’re quickly going to have some pissed off people in your life. Anger and fighting at home do not make for happy relationships, whether or not they live with you. How long do you think your non-cohabiting partner is going to listen to you whine about your relationship troubles before they start to get tired of it?

This doesn’t mean that you should always choose the needs of your primary (a term I dislike, and will talk about at a future date) or live-in partner(s) over everyone else. No one wants to feel like they are the lowest priority on your totem pole. How long do you think your OSO is going to put up with you canceling plans because “something came up” at home?

Finding the balance between the two is obviously important. It will help a lot of your partners like each other, or are at least civil, and can help work this stuff out. Being able to negotiate competing needs directly with each other makes it much easier to figure out. It is important to remember that there are no guarantees in life or love. Sometimes, competing priorities cannot be reconciled, no matter how long you talk about them. Talking about them is great, and certainly helps, but simply communicating isn’t a magic bullet.

If all of you live together, like my family, things are no different. We spend a lot time communicating our needs to each other, planning around them, and have learned the importance of compromise. Since we all love each other, we’ve got a good base to work on. We’re not actively trying to push each other out of the relationship, compete with each other or monopolize time. These kinds of issues are one of the ways that jealousy can easily make its presence known.

Which makes this a good time to remind you all to be self-aware. That thing that you think is a priority, that you want your sweetie to drop everything to do with/for you, is it maybe just a “want”. Maybe a really bad “want”, but something you can compromise on? Or is it really important enough to put your loved one in a potentially awkward spot? Before you ask your partners to meet your priorities, make sure they really are.

You also have to make yourself a priority. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, but no planned down time can make Jack psychotic. You cannot expect to run continuously from one activity to another, one partner to another, sacrificing yourself in the process. Moderation is the key.

To someone that’s never been poly, “moderation” might sound strange. Aren’t poly people all about not having to limit yourself? Being free to explore possibilities with anyone you meet? Sure, we are, to an extent. No matter how free you are or want to be, you still have the same number of hours in a day as the rest of us. Spread yourself too thin, and your partners will let you know it. Hopefully, you won’t learn it the hard way, by looking around and suddenly noticing they’re all gone.

You’re Not MY Dom/me!

 Posted by on October 23, 2010
Oct 232010
 

By AliceSin Aerie

As a proponent of personal decorum, I rarely go on a public rant. However, several months ago a major peeve of mine rubbed me so raw that I went on a Twitter bender. Just as my thumbs finished their fury, I felt remorse sinking in. I braced myself for a follower exodus, but instead a resounding chorus cried “I know! I hate that too!”

From that rant this column was born. So I bring you this topic from the very depths of my kinky being: Just because you are Dominant or a Top, does not give you the right to Top everyone around you.

Yes, you read me correctly. If I had a penny for every conversation, dinner, event, conference or occasion that I witnessed being dragged down by someone who finds it their duty to Top the world, I could build a new Versailles.

As a Dominant or Top, it’s up to you to define who you are in your relationship with yourself and those who consent to submit or bottom to you. Everyone else is required to treat you with common decency and to respect you as a fellow human being. That in itself is a tall order in our culture, so recognize the effort put forth by your peers and behave in kind.

To further clarify your social role as a Dominant/Top:

You are not the Dominant/Top of every submissive/bottom/Switch you encounter. While someone may choose to treat you with deference and you may accept, you are not entitled to it. It is their free choice to pay homage to you or not. Unless and until you request or are offered submission for a consensual scene or any sort of relationship and it is granted, that person is your equal. It may be casually acknowledged or formally requested; in any case, consent is required.

You are not the Dominant/Top of any other Dominant/Top/Switch identified person you encounter. Having a positive opinion of yourself is healthy, I strongly encourage it. Having the idea in your head that you are the superior of everyone you meet is a reality only to you; play it out with consenting partners only. Behaving with a sense of superior entitlement with your peers only tells us that you are ragingly insecure and that the “real you” is buried under tons of emotional baggage. We’re not bellhops, you are responsible for your own baggage. This behavior not only makes you look bad in the moment; it also does you a disservice in the long run by alienating you from the very people who would foster a safe haven in which to feel secure and to grow. The role of Head Bitch in Charge is not one that is seized, it is one that is earned and granted out of respect if it is granted at all. You will not win the respect of your peers by forcing yourself upon us as the longest speaker, the loudest laughter or the person who interrupts at top volume the most often.

You are not the Dominant/Top of everyone you encounter in the world outside of the kink community. If you are a patron of a restaurant, shop or any other business, you are just that and can expect to be treated as such. This person is performing a service as their profession and is deserving of professional respect. You are not the person’s temporary Owner. Even what you may consider positive reinforcement may be inappropriate. Loudly cooing “good boy!” at a waiter or customer service representative is condescending at best, stop it.

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Sexually Free vs. Promiscuous

 Posted by on October 21, 2010
Oct 212010
 

by TM Bernard

From a spiritual perspective, sexuality is more than just opening our bedroom to a variety of experiences, partners and practices. As I understand it (and to be clear, I consider myself a student, not a teacher), sacred sexuality comes with a lot more responsibility, and requires that we make our choices consciously and with consideration for everyone involved.

“The knowledge that one is truly free and is simply choosing between different options is very different that someone who is afraid to pursue what they want.” writes Robert Sibrel of Conscioussensuality.com, a website committed to helping people use sensation to increase awareness. Specifically, total sexual freedom – the idea that we can love and be loved in ways that don’t fit neatly in a normative box – is different from indiscriminate sexual contacts. From the outside looking in, this might be confused with promiscuity, but only if we view sex as a physical union.

I submit that promiscuity feeds into and manifests fears, limitations and restrictions, whereas sexual freedom is all about courage. Let me explain.

First of all, I’ve come to believe that fear is a great teacher. And what we fear most about love and sexuality (or anything in life for that matter) is where we have serious growing to do. Fear that isn’t dealt with can wreck havoc on love of self and love of other. It also interferes with our ability to be conscious in our ‘love – making’ decisions.

The more we face our fears about love and sexuality, the more we push unnatural and harmful boundaries, the more we paradoxically have less to be afraid of. Our sexual choices become more authentic, unfettered by useless social constructs, prejudices or shame.

The natural outcrop of this is that we come to accept that one “form of relationship is [not] necessarily more enlightened than the other, because ultimately it is how we grow from our experiences that determine transcendence,” explains Sibrel. When we make love from a conscious place, we choose lovers and experiences that reflect our most authentic selves, and challenge us to grow sexually and otherwise.

For example, someone who is serially monogamous might suddenly find himself or herself invited into a new paradigm of sharing love. Others may grabble with pelvic pain, anorgasmia or bi-curiosity. Yet others may discover that for them sacred sexuality requires a period of abstinence.

The point is that we all have boundaries – not all of them are bad, and we do have to acknowledge that an learn to differentiate between those that serve a good purpose, and those that don’t – and some of them need to be explored if we want to become more enlightened lovers, or heal sexual wounds, or tune in to our deepest needs.

And yet, few people give themselves the sexual freedom they need to, Sibrel writes, “so they continue to make agreements that cause repression, dishonesty and distance. Often the agreements that are sought and demanded of lovers reflect unrealized desires we are projecting onto our lovers.”

The result of allowing fear to dictate our choices is that eventually we end up violating those sexual agreements that don’t line up with our soul’s desires. The results of acting from a place not grounded in love are behaviors such as promiscuity, infidelity, sexual dysfunction and abuse.

On the other hand, since total sexual freedom it is rooted in courage, our sexual experiences can be extraordinarily blissful, honest, and dynamic. Paradoxically, Sibrel points out that such an approach means we also have to allow, “that no one will be your lover or that many people will judge you because they envy your power and courage. They will seek to enroll you in their conspiracy of fear and call it altruism.”

Courage isn’t the absence of fear – it’s simply doing what you must despite any panic you might feel. Otto Rank, a student of Freud, said that people vacillate between the Fear of Living and the Fear of Death. I imagine that sacred sexuality is the ultimate path of the sexual warrior; it pushes us gently towards all our uncertainties, and asks us to see the grand design, purpose and ecstasy in all our intimate encounters.

Herpes

 Posted by on October 19, 2010
Oct 192010
 

by Dr. Brian

Herpes is the luggage of sexually transmitted diseases. Once you’re infected it recurs over and over again and you carry it around with you for the rest of your life. Herpes is one of those infections that cause the uninfected to treat the infected like lepers. The point of this short article is to lay out some facts about Herpes, give people some strategies to minimize the risk of infection and to hopefully give people already infected strategies to minimize the risk of spreading the infection to others.

In the United States, one in six people in the 14 to 49 age range have a genital herpes infection (infection with Herpes Simplex 2 virus). This is approximately 16.2% of this age group. In the last 10 years the incidence of the disease has remained stable and the percentage of people infected has also remained stable. Looking at the incidence by gender, one out of five women in the 14 to 49 age range and one out of nine men in this same age range have a genital HSV-2 infection. The increased infection rate in women is reflective of the fact that transmission from an infected male to his female partner is more likely than from an infected female to her male partner.

There are two strains of the Herpes virus that cause infections in humans, HSV-1 and HSV-2. Generally, a person can only get HSV-2 infection during sexual contact with someone who has a genital HSV-2 infection. Transmission occurs from an infected partner who does not have a visible sore and may not know that he or she is infected.

HSV-1 can cause genital herpes, but it more commonly causes “fever blisters.” HSV-1 infection of the genitals can be caused by oral-genital or genital-genital contact with a person who has HSV-1 infection. Genital HSV-1 outbreaks recur less regularly than genital HSV-2 outbreaks. Infections of the fingers can cause Herpetic Whitlow and this can be a significant source of infection during digital to genital sex.
Many individuals that are infected with HSV-1 and HSV-2 have no or only minimal signs or symptoms. Initially infected persons have malaise, fever and may have general viral illness symptoms. In some sores appear within a couple of weeks of initial infection. The lesions appear as one or more blisters on or around the genitals or rectum. The fluid filled blisters break, leaving tender ulcers that may take two to four weeks to heal the first time they occur. Another outbreak can appear weeks or months after the first, but it is usually less severe and shorter in length than the first outbreak. The number of outbreaks decreases over a period of years

In a standard check for sexually transmitted infections testing for HSV is not typical. Therefore there are people that have asymptomatic disease and can spread the infection unknowingly to their partners. The consistent use of condoms has been shown to decrease the risk of transmission, although it does not eliminate it. In addition, the use of anti-viral medications has been shown to decrease transmission from known infected individuals to their uninfected partners. The major problem with spread of the virus is asymptomatic individuals. Even individuals that have recurrent symptoms will shed virus 2% of the days they do not have symptoms.

Finally, if you know you are infected ask your physician about suppression and use barrier methods of protection. If uninfected, take precautions to stay uninfected and when undergoing regular screening for STIs, ask to be tested for Herpes.

Holier than Thou Pride

 Posted by on October 16, 2010
Oct 162010
 

by Megan Andelloux

Hopping into a cab to catch a train into New York, I noticed a post on the cab driver’s dashboard that stated “Remember, God is in Control”. I braced myself for it…and yes, it came. “Do you love Jesus?”

Ugh. This was not the cab in which I wanted to be.

My driver spoke to me about God’s love and the blessings he had received in the past week. He told me about how tough life is, but that God has a plan for us all.

Most likely due to the silence he was receiving on my end, resulting from my complete lack of interest in the conversation, he changed topics. He posed the question: “Do you have a job?” I replied, “Yes, I own my own business.” He seemed excited and asked me what I did for work. And, I said it folks, I told the religious cab driver that I worked as a sexuality educator.

There was silence. Clearly he was not expecting this answer. It’s understandable, most people don’t, and every day I make a conscious decision to disclose my line of work. Why shouldn’t I? I’ have pride in what I do, and I’m happy to show people the variety of career choices available to them.

He nodded his head and asked if I had heard about that “boy who killed himself” after photos of him were released of him kissing another man. I informed him that I had, and then the conversation took a swooping downward turn.

He stated, “Now, it’s unfortunate that he died, and those kids should be arrested for what they did, but it wasn’t the publishing the pictures that caused him to die. It was pride. He should’ve just repented to God, asked for his forgiveness, and made an oath that he would never do that again. It was PRIDE that killed him.”

I felt like I had been struck. I’ve heard ignorant answers before, but never that one. Rage, sadness, disgust, and a desire to convert him towards peace and tolerance flooded through me. Did he really think it was pride that killed this boy? He did. He really, really did.

He went on to tell me that even though he was bringing up this topic, he wasn’t gay nor would he ever be with a man. It was just a tragedy that he thought I might be interested in.

Thank you, good to know who you aren’t sleeping with. Thanks for sharing. And thanks for pointing out that you cannot even talk about an epidemic without assuring me that you “don’t even know anyone who’s gay.”

Well, surprise, surprise. He does know someone who is gay and he, along with his spouting of nonsense, is part of the reason that this boy, along with all the other five teenagers who killed themselves this month, is dead. These youth died of a fear of being outed, frustration with being teased and tormented, and despair of being told that they were living a life filled with sin. They certainly did NOT die of PRIDE.

They died because of the tragedy of ignorance, the lack of acceptance, and the holier–than-thou attitude that prevails amongst so many individuals due, in large part, to high status societal figures.
When highly respected leaders speak, many listen. After hearing this man’s intolerant religious beliefs, and his statement that if the boy had just repented to God for his sins, I don’t think it’s a far stretch to say that his belief that the boy died of gay pride was a direct result of an intolerant church leader preaching on the topic, I’m talking about the type of church leader that dictates the cherry-picked morals they think should be upheld. I suppose teasing, tormenting and shaming is better than being gay in their eyes.

No Expectations

 Posted by on October 15, 2010
Oct 152010
 

by Mako Allen

One of my favorite Lao-tzu quotes is “A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent upon a destination.” That’s good advice for travelers and for kinky people too.

I think that the notion of “fixed plans” speaks to both judgment and expectation. We’ve all heard judgments before like “spanking is great, but I’d never want to be whipped.” Expectations are just judgments that haven’t happened yet.

Taoism advises us to let go of both of them altogether.

2

When people see some things as beautiful,

other things become ugly.

When people see some things as good,

other things become bad.

Being and non-being create each other.

Difficult and easy support each other.

Long and short define each other.

High and low depend on each other.

Before and after follow each other.

Therefore the Master

acts without doing anything

and teaches without saying anything.

Things arise and she lets them come;

things disappear and she lets them go.

She has but doesn’t possess,

acts but doesn’t expect.

When her work is done, she forgets it.

That is why it lasts forever.

The truth about judgment is this: it’s relative. I’ve been into spanking forever. Some days my taste for it is bigger than others. Sometimes if the mood is right, and the spanking is for play, I can take a really hard spanking, other days it’s like I’m made from tissue paper. There are multiple factors that contribute to one’s pain tolerance and tastes, including health, mindset, stress levels, and experience.

What’s tough for you today might be easy for you tomorrow.

There’s a problem with words like “tough” and “easy” anyhow, though. They are what Taoists refer to as shi-fei. Shi-fei are binary judgments, like good/bad, tall/short, even top/bottom. Shi-fei literally means, “this-not-this.” When you use shi-fei instead of experiencing something fully, you step back from it, in order to label it. Taoism discourages the use of shi-fei, because doing so distances you from the moment.

This is not to say that you won’t make judgments, or observations. That’s perfectly human, and can be useful. You don’t tie someone up with the rope you forgot to pack, after all. You pick something else out of the toy bag.

The whole reason I even own a toy bag is because I have some toys I like used on me, or to use on others. There’s nothing wrong with having plans. It’s just the fixed ones that are the issue.

A key aspect of the Tao is that it’s always in motion, always changing. People are like this too. I used to have a morbid fear of canes, and never wanted anything to do with them. I was convinced that I didn’t like them, and never would. Several years ago, some friends convinced me to let them cane me, and I was pleasantly surprised, and found that I loved it. I still never imagined I’d like caning someone else. I worried that I’d be no good at it, or find it too impersonal, or that I’d break the cane. Once I tried it though, I found my fears weren’t true.

Worrying about canes was sort of useless. All it did was keep me from trying it out.

Putting aside shi-fei doesn’t mean you don’t develop tastes. Years ago I dated a woman who adored face slapping. I was hesitant to let her try it, because I thought I’d dislike it. Sure enough, I really did dislike it, and was relieved to not get my face slapped any more when we broke up. Does this mean I’ll never try it again? I don’t think so. If the right person asked, I’d give it a shot. Until then though, I won’t worry about it.

This sort of action-without-worry is another key Taoist concept, called wu-wei, the “action of non-action”. Wu-wei means doing only that which you must, and nothing else. It’s not a prescription for laziness, rather for adaptability.

Let’s revisit that example of planning to tie someone up, but not having the rope. You could get upset that you forgot it, or yell at your submissive, or sulk in a funk at your interrupted scene. But you don’t have to do any of those things, and actually, all of them come with rather negative consequences. Being upset, yelling at someone, or sulking won’t change the fact that you don’t have the rope. That’s the reality of the moment.

Perhaps you could find some new, novel way to bind your partner. Maybe you’ll put them in cuffs, or sit on them, and get about the business of happily whacking the heck out of them. By doing only what you must, you’ll be in tune with the moment, and able to see new options, able to go and grow in new directions.

The Beginning of Something Beautiful

 Posted by on October 14, 2010
Oct 142010
 

by Rayne

So I’m sure you’ve heard it. If you haven’t heard it, you’ve at least heard of it. The media would have you believe that it plays at least once a night in every kink club around the world. And why shouldn’t it? Whether or not you’re a Nine Inch Nails fan, the beat drags you in.

It’s exciting, and uplifting, and intense. The thumping bass, and Trent Reznor’s energetic voice overwhelm you with images of… A man, in a tailored white shirt, blue slacks and a tie, being screamed at by his domineering boss, while he frantically types away on the keyboard in front of him. Not quite as sexy when you pick apart the lyrics.

But if you’re like me, when the song’s on, you only hear eleven words. “Slave screams!” and “I have found you can find happiness in slavery.” And if you’re pervy like me, submissive like me, as into pain as I am, those eleven words bring visions of impact toys, the St. Andrew’s Cross, and kneeling somewhere, forgotten, while the person in charge is off doing his or her own thing, content to ignore you. And those images bring a devilish grin to your face, and cause your respective parts to stir a bit.

Hi. I’m Rayne, and I’m owned by M, but you can all him Melen, or Mel for short. You can call him M, too. Pretty much everyone does. But I’ve always considered it shorthand for “master”. I live with my owner, and we are married.

I have three “jobs”, if you will. The first is being his slave. The second is writing about being his slave. And the third is testing adult products. If M has his way, I won’t ever have an occupation outside of the home again, with the exception of the store we both dream of one day owning. I suppose you could say, at this point, that the only thing I am, anymore, is a slave. My life revolves entirely around pleasing M. You don’t think he’d allow the sex toy testing if he didn’t get something out of it, do you?

His ownership extends its grip to every part of my life. From the tiniest, mundane detail, to the scariest possible situation you can think of, M’s word is law. And I have found you can find happiness in slavery.

Well, maybe you can’t. But I definitely have.

I think I always knew that I would. When I was younger, I used to daydream about some strange man (Ya can’t get much stranger than M, so I guess dreams really do come true!) taking me away and making me his. I’d have to do whatever he wanted, and take care of him. We’d love each other, for sure, but probably, he would have other women on occasion, and definitely, he’d see me as a plaything. Something to tease, and torment, and bend to his will.

I didn’t think about the ritual and protocol until I started researching being owned. I hadn’t really considered the difference between fantasy slavery (what slavery looked like in my head) and real slavery (what belonging to M really entails), or what kind of real slave I wanted to be. I’m not really sure I knew, at the time, that there were so many types. I know I had no idea there would be things I wouldn’t like on occasion. And I still sometimes get distracted by a new shiny method, tug at my leash, and try to convince M to go a different direction.

I know I wasn’t expecting it to resemble “vanilla” life as often as it does. I mean, really! What BDSM slave serves in a domestic manner? Aren’t they all tied up twenty-four seven? Don’t they spend most of their time bowing, and scraping, and having sex, and being beat? That’s what I want. Sign me up. Where’s the line?

But that’s not really what I want. And that doesn’t always work for us for any length of time. Maybe eventually, when I get closer to being the slave we’d like me to be. And besides, M really hates doing dishes. Though I suppose, if he wanted to, he could go on the hunt for a kitchen slave. I’m sure somewhere there’s someone who gets off on domestic service. I mean, beyond being forced to do it, or just having to do it, but just really enjoys it.

If you asked me what kind of slave I am, I’d tell you I’m a 24/7, total power exchange, medium to high protocol pleasure slave. My duty is to be pleasing and obey. My desire to be used and hurt. My privilege to be loved and cherished. And my responsibility to serve.

Nice to meet you. I hope you enjoy reading about my journey as much as I’ve enjoyed experienced it.

A new way of looking at polyamory

 Posted by on October 12, 2010
Oct 122010
 

by Katie Diamond

I see things in circles. No, really. I turned to L, my partner of four years, and made this proclamation in the car. He began to giggle, and then nodded emphatically, “Yes, yes, you do.”

We had been discussing the various ways people “do” polyamory. There seems, to me, to be two camps: those who structure their relationships hierarchically (primary, secondary, tertiary, etc.) and those who choose to have one “main” partner and a series of smaller relationships of lesser importance.

When I first began my foray into polyamory, I didn’t even call it polyamory. I called it “non-monogamy,” in an effort to really dissect and disassemble the ways people engage in “traditional relationships.” It was a political move and mindset for me; a shift towards what felt more natural for my own life—a fusion of my political sense of relationships and my personal preferences.

Upon starting my relationship with L, the language around relationships shifted for me. “Non-monogamy” soon felt like too much of a negative word—and anti-relationships stance—and I began to identify as polyamorous. I want to say this move was a shift in my concept of relationships, but it was, again, more political. I wanted to be building good relationships, rather than smashing traditional ones. I wanted to participate in a community that sees itself, rather than function as an individual with strong opinions on relationships and gender roles.

This shift in personal-political platform was important to my next step in understanding myself—as my relationship with L has grown, so has my own concept of what I want and need in a Relationship with a Capital R. I began to become part of Poly Camp Number 2: I had my main relationship with L, and a series of other connections and interests which were important and significant and beautiful—but would not “measure up” to my connection to L.

However, this set up felt flawed to me. While I’m someone who exists in and appreciates fluidity, I also felt like the lack of quantifiable language on how I “do” my relationships was leaving me with the only language I knew—hierarchical language.

Now, don’t misread me—I respect and understand why some folks go the route of utilizing such language. It allows for comfortable understanding of where one stands with other people. When you’re incorporating multiple people into your life in a radically different way than simply friend-connections, quantifiable language is pretty key to making sure everyone understands each other.

But I have a proposal. A third category, if you will, of how navigating multiple relationships can be discussed and considered.

Now, remember, I think in circles… But have you ever considered how a bulls-eye looks? No, really! Picture a target shape, with a bulls-eye in the center. Picture it. Now, the center of the target is your Capital R Relationship. The person who gets most of your time, energy, and intention. And go out from there… Perhaps you have a Friend with Benefits who hangs around the outer ring, always having the potential of moving closer inwards. Maybe you have a lover you see once a week, and they’re very emotionally important to you—they might be in the ring closest to the bulls-eye; maybe they even span the line between bulls-eye and second ring. Do you see what I’m saying? Can you picture it?

I’m pretty dogmatic about this approach. The more and more it has developed in my consciousness, the more comfortable I feel with how I navigate my relationships and my feelings towards my partners and lovers. This non-hierarchical approach and visual is a really nice way to diminish uncomfortable feelings of competition, take away poor associations with someone being “the best” or “second best,” and allow room for connections to people to grow and change and shift without fear attached to that change.

So, as a test, next time you’re sitting down with a piece of paper, draw out a target shape for yourself… Take a look at the nice circular pattern, and wonder, “What’s my relationship target look like?” You might be surprised what you find—or what you feel.

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