The Great Divide – Part 2

 Posted by on September 1, 2011
Sep 012011
 

By Bex vanKoot

The Great Divide: Between Men and Women in the Ancient Americas

Transgenderism in Myth, Part Two

Last month we discussed transgender archetypes and myths in the “classical” world of Greece and Rome. The myths and names we are most familiar with aren’t the only ones haunting our past, as transgenderism, bisexuality and other queer issues were once a mainstay of popular culture in the ancient Americas as well!

Ancient MesoAmerica

In MesoAmerican cultures, transgender and bisexual individuals were often represented by either masculine or feminine deities, rather than androgynous beings. Some would appear to represent one gender, but be decorated with the symbolism of the other, embodying the classic third gender role from these ancient civilizations. Coatlicue for instance, the serpent-skirted goddess of life and death, was undoubtedly a woman who bore many children, but the serpents which adorn her outfit in her most famous of statues are covered in scales shaped as the symbol of the god of water, to whom blood sacrifices were often made. Coatlicue wears a necklace of hands and hearts. With her head removed, spurts of blood gush forth as two giant snakes, their tongues meeting in a fierce kiss which forms the symbol of a bisected penis, a blood sacrifice rite, a pain-induced trance journey and sexually symbolic act prevalent in MesoAmerican practices.

The Moon Goddess of Maya mythology is described as quite masculine and the typical MesoAmerican maize deity is depicted as androgynous. In fact the western anthropological field had to adopt a completely new view of gender in order to even begin understanding what remains of the many cultures that once covered Central America and Mexico. These cultures understood that bodies come in more than two types and allowed this understanding to manifest in their language.

Anthropologist Rosemary Joyce wrote that “gender was a fluid potential, not a fixed category, before the Spaniards came to Mesoamerica. Childhood training and ritual shaped, but did not set, adult gender, which could encompass third genders and alternative sexualities as well as “male” and “female.” At the height of the Classic period, Maya rulers presented themselves as embodying the entire range of gender possibilities, from male through female, by wearing blended costumes and playing male and female roles in state ceremonies.” Many of the sacred prostitutes, mating with Kings and priests on ritual holidays, were of this third gender, born male and living life in the dress and work of women.

Voodoo

In the practices of Haitian and Louisiana Voodoo, many of the spirits known as lwa are identified with LGBT themes, including cross-dressing, gender-bending and same sex encounters. Ghede Nibo is the spirit who cares for the dying young and is often portrayed as a drag queen who encourages lascivious behaviour. His father Baron Samedi is a bisexual or transgendered male figure in fancy dress who likes to cross gender boundaries and encourage others to similar acts. Other Barons engage in homoerotic wrestling with the Erzulie women protect gay men (Freda) and lesbians (Dantor). Erzulie often inspires transgender, bisexual and/or homoerotic expressions when interacting with men in ritual.

Native Tribes of Canada & the US

In many native tribes where shamanism was present in the culture, including an abundance in Canada and the US, third-gender or transgender individuals were especially revered for their ability to access the energies of both genders. Cross-dressing was as common in rites as animism!

Will Roscoe wrote in The Zuni Man-Woman that two-spirited individuals have been “documented in over 130 tribes, in every region of North America, among every type of native culture.” These tribes include the Chukchi, Sea Dayak, Patagonians, Araucanians, Arapaho, Cheyenne, Navajo, Pawnee, Lakota, and Ute. In many tribes, transgenderism was prized to the point that kin selection was used to preserve the genes of powerful two-spirited shamans.

The word “two-spirit” was coined in 1990 during the third annual intertribal Native American/First Nations gay and lesbian conference. It is a calque (literal, word-for-word translation) of the Ojibwe phrase for a third-gender shaman, niizh manidoowag (two spirits), finally replacing the “scholarly” term bardache which comes from a French word implying a male prostitute.

Orienting

The difference between our modern view of gender and that from other areas of the world is that we tend to assume that gender and sexual orientation are the same thing. They aren’t and cultures the world round knew it many, many centuries ago. Whether they were celibate, regularly engaged in sex with partners of multiple genders, or “settled down” into a monogamous relationship, it was not immediately assumed in early childhood when gender was assigned.

Hopefully people teaching LGBT history in schools these days go far back enough to rediscover this hidden treasure trove of gender.

Genderqueer Identity #2

 Posted by on August 31, 2011
Aug 312011
 

By Shanna Katz

A huge thanks to Avory for sharing some of zir thoughts about their Genderqueer identity. There are definitely some interesting answers here, particularly dealing with the process of going through multiple identities to find one that fits, as well as re-examining parts of yourself as you become an ally, rather than direct parts of certain communities.

This interview is about your GENDERQUEER identity…What are some other identities of yours:

poly, Southern, white, kinky, activist, writer

Define your queer identity – what does it mean to you, how long have you had this identity, how was the process of getting there?

I’ve identified as genderqueer for a little over a year now. It’s an identity that feels very right to me, but it’s still tough that I sometimes feel I have to justify it, or if I have a question about my identity it feels like a big fat ”I told you so” coming from some voice up in the sky somewhere.

To me, genderqueer means something a little different than what I’ve heard from a lot of genderqueer folks online. I don’t identify with femininity or masculinity. My genderqueerness is about identifying outside of gender, about putting together a self-image that is not based on gender ”boxes.” It’s not a transitioning or transmasculine identity for me.

In fact, the funny thing about being genderqueer and raised female is that I am more comfortable with the things I like that are considered femme than I was when I identified as a female lesbian. This identity, and queer identity in general, evolved for me through my twenties as my understanding of gender and sexuality grew and changed. As I learned how to communicate in a mutual, consensual way in all arenas, my understanding of those parts of me changed quite a bit.

Talk about some of the language surrounding this identity – what terms do you like/dislike?

As far as pronouns, I’ve started using ”zie” and ”zir” whenever possible. Genderqueer and queer are the only particular identity words I use, though a friend uses ”gender ninja” and you kind of have to love that. I don’t like being called trans or transmasculine because those aren’t correct for me. I really don’t like being called ”he,” though when I get a Sir in a store because of my buzzcut it’s no big deal. It is tough when words don’t have commonly understood definitions, because genderqueer is often lumped under trans, and maybe by some definitions I would agree with that, but I don’t personally identify as trans.

What are some common questions you get about this identity? How do you answer them and how do they make you feel?

I’m not really out outside of communities that already know about genderqueer people existing, because these communities make me feel so much safer and understood and supported than the world at large. So usually when someone asks, it’s something like ”what are your pronouns” or ”what does genderqueer mean to you?” So I explain what it is for me, as above, and that feels pretty good to be able to put it out there explicitly in my terms.

What are some of the positives of having this identity?

This identity makes more sense for me, logically, than all my different attempts of fitting into womanhood. I always assumed the only options were be a woman or become a man, and so having this choice is very freeing for me. I like how avoiding assumptions about gender makes me more creative in how I see the world, and I think more respectful of others, regardless of their identities. It also makes it easier for me to understand my sexuality, because I’m not thinking in generalizations much anymore. Instead, I’m looking at specific sex acts, ways of communicating, fears I have, things I’d like to explore, and talking directly with my partners about those
things. I’m a shy, introverted person, but I’ve found it easier to communicate since I started identifying as genderqueer. It’s actually helped me banish shame in some areas of my sexuality.

What are some of the struggles that have come along with this identity?

Probably the most difficult is the “is it right?” question, because I feel a lot of internal pressure not to change. I’ve claimed different identities over the years and always felt like I was betraying a community when I changed, or like I was ”not really” the new identity. I try to be loving with myself and say that it’s okay if this identity isn’t permanent, but I’d like to have something static in my life. It’s also tough that, although I have some really supportive friends and romantic partners, I don’t know many other genderqueer people. Those I’ve met online often identify more strongly with the trans community, and genderqueer resources I find are often really geared towards trans. I’m hoping for more resources to come that are directed at those who don’t identify as male or female. I’m also hoping for more ”other” checkboxes on forms, but that’s a tangential concern. Finally, I find it difficult as a genderqueer feminist to shift from ”women can do anything, and I’m proof!” to ”I am an ally for women but I have to ask for a place at the table.” I believe that destroying the patriarchy would help pretty much everyone, and that often ”female” concerns extend to trans and genderqueer people, as well as some men, but there are some practical difficulties.

How does this identity fit or not fit with your other identities?

It fits in very well. I’m sort of gender/sexuality ”alternative,” and all those identities basically come down to ”I define each relationship I have with another person, and each thing I do/like/say, on it own terms.”

How do you feel this identity is received in the sexuality and/or sex positive communities?

For the most part, very well. There is work be done. Please don’t call me ”it” or ”he/she.” It’s happened, and it feels like an emotional knife-wound. If you don’t know, ask. Generally, though, people tend to be more knowledgeable and accepting here than in other communities, and I find it refreshing that I can state what I’m looking for sexually and find people who are down with that, or write about my sexuality and have people nod and smile and say ”me, too.” I hope that over time, sex writers and bloggers and presenters will remember to be more gender inclusive, and learn that not everyone is a ”he” or ”she,” and that not everyone with breasts and a vulva considers those ”female parts.” The range of genders and sexualities
that exist make sex more interesting!

What else do you want people to know about this identity?

There is no universal definition of ”genderqueer,” so if you meet someone who is genderqueer, you can’t really assume what that means for that person. You have to ask. I’d rather someone ask me a question that is too personal and I have to say ”no thank you” than not ask a question that I’d be happy to answer and make an assumption instead.

Dressing for your body type: The Rectangle

 Posted by on August 29, 2011
Aug 292011
 

By Nina Love

Choosing the right clothing is an ongoing challenge. Most of us feel the pressure to fit in while standing apart. It’s an age old double edge sword. And in our little world the expectations are even higher. There are countless articles, blogs and rants about appropriate fetish attire. And ongoing snarky comments about so-and-so wearing such-and-such when their body is obviously not made for this-and-that outfit. But, how does one know exactly what to wear for their body type? Believe it or not, it’s a little easier than you might think and there is indeed a formula to follow. Let’s take a look at the “Rectangle.”

Are your shoulders and hips about the same size? Do you feel like you have no waistline? Or, is your waistline larger than your hips and shoulders? If this is you, then you fall into the “Rectangle” family of body types. There are several types of rectangles, but what it comes down to is that you face some unique challenges:

· a boyish shape and lack of feminine curves

· no hips or a flat butt

· look or feel heavier than your actual weight and

· you have a brick or even an oval or round shape

Fear not my kinky friends, you are not destined to be stuck in the box that the fashion community calls a rectangle. The hardest thing that you will have to do is throw away the pencil skirt and disregard what you think you know about your fetish wardrobe. Concentrating on what looks good on your body and not what the community says your fetish wardrobe should look like is the goal to dressing for your body type. Next time you’re tearing through your closet trying to find that perfect outfit, remember these ten tips on what to wear and what to avoid:

1. Say yes to the corset! Items that cinch in the middle like belts, sashes and corsets work well at drawing attention to the waist line. The princess cut is the most effective at creating curves.

2. Ditch the secretary skirt and make the circle or gored skirt a regular part of your kink wardrobe. These skirts create movement and the illusion of a fuller bottom and a smaller waist.

3. When looking for a more formal look avoid the full length, tiered ball gown skirt that covers your legs. Instead try the full length boot cut or a-line skirt. A full length duster that cinches in the middle is also flattering and appropriate.

4. Express your commitment with something other than a substantial collar or choker that adds bulk to your neckline. Instead try a lock (or key) on a longer chain that draws attention down your center. Bangle bracelets or cuffs are flattering and chandelier earrings – like those miniature floggers or handcuffs – are also flattering and draw attention to the face. Try miniature top hats or feathered headbands for an added touch of flair without adding bulk to your frame.

5. Your shoe selection does matter. Avoid ankle straps and knee high boots that square off your shape instead of creating curves. Pointed toes and sling backs are more effective.

6. Select garments that create direction away from the shoulders and toward the waist. Peasant tops or tops with a drop waist create the illusion of a wider hip line – which results in the a narrower waist line. Princess seams – which are probably most noticeable in corsets but can be found in everything from tee shirts to button up blouses – are super effective at creating a slimmer waistline.

7. Look for the empire or A-line silhouette. A baby doll negligee or empire dress is form fitting just below the bust and flares out.

8. Pay attention to your neckline. Off the shoulder or V-neck necklines that balance out your silhouette are flattering. Try scoop neck instead of crew neck tee shirts. And, avoid sleeveless tops that have high necks and create the image of a rectangle.

Next time: The Pear.

An afternoon with CARAS

 Posted by on August 27, 2011
Aug 272011
 

By Kat Stamoulis

This year the 2011 Alternatives Sexualities Conference was held in Washington, DC, having moved from its previous homes in Chicago and San Francisco. I was in attendance at the conference, hosted by CARAS, not as a researcher or a clinician in the field, but as an undergraduate student with a passion for human sexuality as well as an active member of the kink scene.

Though this conference was geared towards researchers and practicing clinicians, I still walked away with valuable information, along with a sense of giddiness that I always get when I feed my brain. Dr. Gloria Brame kicked off the conference with enthusiasm, conveying her insights into alternative sexualities and offering guidelines designed for practitioners to help them become their kinky client’s advocate. She explained how individuals with alternative sexual identities are not usually in treatment, not because of the identity itself, but the responses, reactions, and behavior surrounding the identity. It was also noted that there are individuals with healthy minds that hold alternative sexual identities but they are often not recognized in research because they do not seek out treatment. Dr. Brame also described how sexuality is the only area that we demand such a high level of conformity in our society, whereas we usually promote individuality or sticking out amongst our peers. As members of an individualistic culture it seems odd that our society would impose harsh sanctions against those of alternative sexualities.

The first session found me trying to choose between two interesting topic had a difficult choice in topics, the history and evolution of the S/M scene in America and diagnostic criteria, BDSM Unraveled, but I choose to follow up with Barry Smiler discussing his article, “There’s No Such Thing As Polyamory”, which expands on the American ideal of self-determination. We believe that we should be able to make our own choices, without outside restrictions imposed by family, culture, or government. With this in mind, Smiler asks, “why should how we structure our intimate relationships be any different?” I am glad I chose Smiler’s discussion to go to right after Dr. Brame’s introduction because there was a great overlapping point of how our society promotes individualism.

We broke for lunch after the first session and as an active member of the kink scene I felt that I should attend the discussion, “Listening to the Community,” that was held during this time. A few of the things we discussed were: “methods of outreach into rural areas and college communities”, “one place to find research and articles about alternative sexualities”, and “a more extensive list of kink-friendly professionals for the NCSF database”. It was really exciting to be involved in a discussion with the intention of helping the community. There were some great ideas posed for outreach in the college communities, which I can attempt to implement on my college campus

It was interesting to discover that I choose to attend Jennifer Eve Rehor’s session for the same reason she conducted her study, well one of them anyway. I went to Rehor’s session because of the fact that there is an insufficient amount of research done in which kinky women were included; most research has mainly focused on male individuals. The research that has included women has had very small samples and excluded sex workers and pro-Dommes, which I feel has made the meager amount of research that has already been done skewed and unreliable. Ms. Rehor was able to collect well over 1000 responses to her survey, indicating a large population previously left out of research. She discussed the sampling issues that she ran into, which are common with research, especially with a sensitive topic like sexuality. I think it is wonderful that she has taken the time to conduct this research study and that she was able to gather quite a heap of information. I definitely look forward to her further analyses of the data.

The last concurrent session I choose to attend was Carol Morotti-Meeker’s discussion “Polyamory and Parenting.” The only family model our society provides is the husband and wife, or mom and dad with their two and a half kids. How do you build a family outside of the traditional nuclear family? I did not realize how much effort goes into keeping the household up and running outside of the home, in the home things seem to be easier. What I mean is that poly-family households are not accepted by the general society and certain legal measures and precautions are sometimes necessary to protect the household and its children. For instance including partners that are not the biological parents on a list for the school that will allow them to pick up the children. This discussion was extremely flexible to meet the interests of the participants and I felt included even though I do not have any children.

The conference closed up with a case presentation, “Sexual Addiction in the Context of Polyamorous Relationships.” This presentation explained what sexual addiction looked like for an individual in a polyamorous relationship, and how the couple dealt with it. Both parties and the accompanying MD were very open and thoughtful about how this information was beneficial to clinicians dealing with individuals in polyamorous or non-monogamous relationships.

All in all this conference was loaded with information that I think needs to be disseminated throughout academic communities and into the general population. Conference costs, travel and food costs prevent many of those who want to attend unable to and this is a reason why this information needs to be publicized. I feel very fortunate that I was able to attend this conference and feel honored to be asked to write about it. I also encourage others who are privy to this kind of information to write and talk about it to those who are not, we need to hear more about it.

Guest Author Info:

Kat Stamoulis, also known by Squirrel, is a genderqueer, kinky, undergraduate student attending Salisbury University. Kat is currently working on a BA in Gender Studies and a minor in Philosophy in Salisbury, with the intention of becoming a sex educator for adults. Sharing knowledge and information has always been a passion for Squirrel and is excited to start a career in this field.

Goddess: Virgin, Witch, Saint, Martyr?

 Posted by on August 26, 2011
Aug 262011
 

By T.M. Bernard

Look around and note a quiet and compelling cultural shift. In real time and in conjunction with the apparent demise of societal, political, organizational and communal structures, a quiet revolution is taking place; the resurrection of the divine Goddess, as witnessed behind the scenes and softly hued corners. She’s not seeking the limelight or acknowledgment per se, although she’s easily recognizable by her patina of pleasure and power.

Found in the pages of books, experienced through rituals, re-born in cellular memories, lucky lovers may just discover new meaning to that elusive holy g-rail, which may not a vessel per se, but that place within womankind that connects us, male and female, to transcendent bliss.

The emerging face of sacred womankind is known by many names, archetypes that recall a time before labels separated and diminished. Sacred sexuality and the bounty of Mother Earth are two of her alters, though worship takes place in the everyday actions that speak of love, compassion, joy and nourishment.

For some, she bears just one name, the Goddess, but as each of us responds to her call, we may identify with some aspects more than others.

There is the Virgin – not the innocent, sexually inexperienced lover – the woman who manifests total and complete independence. Unburdened by obligations to relationships or children, she faces challenges alone and in full confidence in her abilities. The Virgin personifies autonomy, self-sufficiency and liberty.

Witches are rising too. These are women who, in the words of the immortal writer, Paolo Coelho justify their “existence by going in search of complete and limitless pleasure.” Connected to the earth, the Witch manifests Eros in every wave of her hand, every blossom she plucks to weave her magic, and every ritual she participates in that spreads freedom from patriarchal shame.

The Martyr is the face we may find most familiar because it was the one least likely to unsettle the archaic masculine powers that sought to diminish the Goddess long, long ago. As such, she was allowed to continue existing, even as the other countenances were frowned up, manipulated, modified and destroyed. She is the woman who finds herself through suffering and pain. She surrenders herself and her needs for the sake of those around her, and in her martyrdom, serves the greater communal good.

Finally, there is the Saint. We know her in the selfless acts and her ability to give deeper and more fully than most. Unconditional love and generosity without asking anything in return are the currency through which this face of the Goddess divine inspires others.

Though we speak of the Goddess mostly in reference to women, the truth is that she is emerging in all of us. Those on the forefront of this renaissance gently assert that within each of us, male and female, gendered bended or not, there exists feminine divinity, though we aren’t always aware of it nor intent on wakening our inner slumbering giantess.

What’s more, her story is our ‘herstory’, embedded deep in the caves of our primordial ancestors who left us clues about their reverence for the creative powers of the Goddess. Few individuals manifest every aspect of the Goddess. We may naturally gravitate to the Virgin, the Martyr, the Saint or the Witch, though the bravest and most curious will refuse to choose just one path.

Finally, some have even gone on to suggest that Goddess worship and sacred sexuality will be humanity’s deliverance, which suggests that her time is now, as we face some of our greatest global, spiritual and environmental challenges. Which begs one question: how will we find the courage to be true to the feminine divine and ourselves, especially and even if we have no idea of who we really are?

However we each answer that question, of this I am certain: the Goddess is charged with awakening our unknown potentials. Ecstasy awaits – we just have to heed the call.

Pervert—A Documentary

 Posted by on August 25, 2011
Aug 252011
 

By Erin Fae

This photo (Catherine Opie, “Pervert—Self-Portrait,” NSFW link) scared me when I was 16. Part of the fear was my own fascination. I would try to hide that I was looking at it by only stealing a glance or trying to pass it too quickly in a book of lesbian images. This probably isn’t an uncommon experience for someone just discovering kink. How many of us hid (or sometimes continue to hide) from our own desires when we are first confronted with them?

Catherine Opie refuses to hide. She has always been out about being part of the leather community. She took this photo of herself in 1994. The self-portrait shows her topless, wearing only a full leather hood and collar, black leather pants, and four-dozen hypodermic needles running the lengths of her arms. The word “Pervert” drawn in a beautiful script is freshly carved into her chest. She sits in front of a lush fabric background.

Deeply entrenched in explorations of identity, the photograph is staged in a classical style. The fabric background is commonly associated with historical painting; like 15th century images of kings and queens, she puts herself in front of a high-contrast brocade. Even the proportions within the frame place the photograph in an art historic context. By using this visual vocabulary, she honors the BDSM community, exalting herself (and other leather folk she photographs) to royalty.

Opie is a documentary photographer. She’s taken photos of Los Angeles strip malls, ghostly images of freeway onramps and most recently, pictures of high school football players. Her portraiture is what she is best known for. She has taken several series of photographs of queers, kinksters, and friends she was losing to the AIDS virus. For her series titled “Domestic,” she toured America taking photos of lesbian families. Documentary is about telling a story. In part, creating these images is a commitment to giving her community—kink and queer community–a voice and a historic framework that revolves around identity.

Is there a certain shock value to her self-portrait? Perhaps. After all, those outside kink and BDSM communities are often shocked by our play, lives and commitments. However, this photo does not exist for shock alone. As with her other work, it is created from a place of truth and intention. Opie told the New York Times she “made the piece out of a reaction to all of the sudden gays and lesbians’ bringing on the ‘normal’ dialogue to us […]Let’s push the boundaries a little bit here about what you guys think normal is.”

This image has shown in galleries and museums internationally. In 2008, the Guggenheim dedicated four floors to an Opie mid-career retrospective. History is often contextualized by art. In mounting these images, major institutions are saying to the general public, ‘look a this work: this is important.’ It is an art world that is saying images of queerness and BDSM are significant.

Catherine Opie says that she has never been protested and never been censored. Maybe it is because her work is ultimately about community, identity and family. But perhaps it is because, regardless of how you identify, whether you are kinky or queer, there is some commonality that most people can find within the sincerity of documentary.

A Dominant’s Obligation of Due Care

 Posted by on August 23, 2011
Aug 232011
 

By Morghan

A deeply neglected aspect of community safety in my opinion, is that of Due Care by the top. According to USLegal.com the definition of Due Care is “The effort made by an ordinary prudent or reasonable party to avoid harm to another, taking the circumstances into account.” When we enter the world of BDSM, the circumstances change dramatically from the ordinary world of human interaction. We as the controlling party are in charge of the physical and emotional safety of the person with whom we play. We are applying physical techniques equivalent to a martial art.

So, what does Due Care mean for us when we are partaking of that which so often looks like abuse?

There is a line between those who are deliberately out to misuse or abuse those in their care, and those who are truly just trying to give the bottom that ‘edgy’ experience that they both want. The top CAN go too far. The bottom CAN neglect to use their power when the line is pushed. But I have noticed over time, that the subs/bottoms are the first to claim blame. Often times, I have heard of abuse survivors blaming themselves for their trauma. It is a long road to finding a balanced perspective, one where they can say “yes I could have been proactive and avoided situation X… BUT the perpetrator is still the perpetrator!”

There MUST be a corresponding journey for Dominants and Tops who are playing the edge. We are not born perfect. We do not begin our first day holding the flogger knowing exactly how far to push. The difference is, when we dance the erotic edge with a bottom, it is our ‘job’ to be in control. We are asked to be in control of not one, but two people. We are in charge of our bottom and ourselves. To be realistic, both parties are probably in an altered state, even if there is not a drop of alcohol and no drugs involved.

So how do you exercise Due Care? There’s no school, no castle to run away to for a three month intensive. And even if there were, most of us don’t have the resources to take kinky sabbaticals. In the hope of providing direction to those who may not have access to a mentor, I offer the following.

· Play with experienced bottoms

o Not all play is going to be a sexually charged romp in the sack. Sometimes, it’s just refinement of your technique and learning to read the bottom. Start by playing with someone who is strong and confident in their role, who will gladly tell you to STOP if you aren’t reading their body language effectively.

o Do what they ask of you in play, especially when they say slow down, stop, etc. Remember you’re there to learn.

o If they give you feedback, take it! You can discuss it with future play partners, and if they don’t want to use the same signals, ok. But consider carefully the advice of experienced bottoms. It’s their tushie on the line!

· Check in often

o If they twitch funny, ask ‘how are you doing’ or ‘did you like that’ or even just say ‘green?’ and look for an affirmation.

o Keep doing it. Even when they’re probably sick of you, you need to keep checking in, every time the behavior changes. Why? Because the first, third or fifth time it might be yet again “ooh that’s fun”, but on the tenth time, you might have just hit a nerve cluster.

o If they don’t respond to your check-in, STOP. This is a sign that the bottom is no longer able to consent! When you do aftercare/debriefing, if she says “wow I wish you hadn’t stopped” then the response is a known quantity for next time and you can keep going.

· Make an effort to identify your own faults

o This is a frustrating, humbling part of growing as a Dominant or Top. But it is critical. Look for where you can improve, and make note of it. You need to know what you did wrong before you can make it right.

· Make it Right!

o If you’re in-scene and something has gone bad, STOP. Ensure the safety of the bottom, give them time to recover, and then explain what happened.

o Apologize for your error! Make sure they know that you understand where you went wrong and how you will prevent it in the future.

You will make mistakes. We all do. When making the first mistakes as a Dominant/Top, we have a duty to call a halt. That might get some subs looking at you sideways, wondering if you’re all you’re supposed to be. But I would ‘submit’ that it is far better to stop short than to push too far. Learn from your mistakes and make sure others know that you have. This is how you establish trust and credibility.

Without trust, BDSM and power exchange relationships can easily dissolve into conflict and even abuse. Use these steps as a beginning to establish your trustworthiness, your credibility, and to improve on your qualities as a top.

Go within, or go without

 Posted by on August 22, 2011
Aug 222011
 

By Mako Allen

There’s this problem with being kinky: it can slowly drive you insane. The kink itself, that’s not really the problem. It’s the chase for it. Lao-tzu knew all about it.


Verse 12

Colors blind the eye.

Sounds deafen the ear.

Flavors numb the taste.

Thoughts weaken the mind.

Desires wither the heart.

The Master observes the world

but trusts his inner vision.

He allows things to come and go.

His heart is open as the sky.

The scene is filled with all sorts of sensual and intellectual delights. A night at your average play space is filled with exotically dressed people, doing arousing things to one another. It’s a nonstop barrage of sights, sounds, scents, tastes, and ideas. Your mind fairly sizzles with the possibility of it all.

Along the way, we get swept up in a particular kind of longing. First, perhaps we identify with a particular role, like being dominant or submissive. Then we seek perfection in that role. People do this in a variety of ways: by attempting to follow a complex protocol for behavior, by seeking out a mentor, or by trying to emulate someone well known.

But there’s a hard truth to understand about this chase for perfection. It’s a lie.

Actually, it’s two lies. First, that there’s this mythical plateau of perfection. Second, that there’s a proscribed way in which to get there.

Sometimes you’ll hear people refer to this first lie as the phenomena of the One True Way, or how to be a Real Dominant or True Submissive. It’s something you hear intolerant, judgmental folks use seriously, and new folks often use without knowing any better.

It’s an insulting idea – because it implies that we’re all cookie-cutter people, cut from the same cloth. Does liking being spanked make you a True Submissive? What if your only desire for domination is to polish someone’s boots, alone, in a room by yourself? Can you still even be called a submissive?

Of course you can. People who question this, they’ve lost their way. They’re letting their thoughts weaken their mind.

Why do people do this? They do it because of the second lie, the one about desire. The desire is the need for someone else to validate who and what you are, or wish to be.

Here are some classic examples of this desire-based thinking:

“If only I do as Master Dominator says, then he’ll see I’m tough enough to be taken seriously.”

“If I act very macho and misogynistic, I’ll come across as a virile, masculine dominant.”

“Everyone else is dressing that way, I need to wear those clothes so people know I’m real too.”

None of these things are true. But, even if they were, they all still suffer from the same common problem: they’re appetites, based on other people’s opinion of you. It’s a bit like eating a meal. You can have absolutely the greatest sushi dinner ever, followed by a heaping slice of key lime pie. You get so full that you think you’ll never need to eat again.

That is, until you’re hungry again, of course.

After Master Dominator tells you what a great True Submissive you are, you’re still going to have the desire to be validated. People won’t line up to lovingly adore the approval stamp he put on your kink license. Because there is no such thing, thank goodness.

Nor are you like some food to be prepared. You’re never “done.” There’s no speech, act, toy, or scene that will forever satiate your desires. Spankings, unfortunately, are kind of like donuts. After you have one, you’re going to want more.

However, this is not entirely bad news. Lao-tzu knew an important truth about us. We live in this world, but we’re not entirely of it. Deep inside, there’s more to us than the illusions we chase.

Ever wake up, the morning after a night of play, look back on it fondly, and then drag your sore body into the kitchen to make breakfast? I know for me, I enjoy the memory of play as much as the play itself. That next day, as I go about my business, I treasure the little moments of soreness, the remembered pleasures, and the contrast between them and the things I’m doing at the moment. I feel a sense of contentment at being a whole, full person, with a balanced life.

Lao-tzu has a big secret to tell about that contentment. He knows the right places and situations in which to feel it. He knows when it’s appropriate to listen for it. The place is here. The time is now.

“Eff the Ineffable”

 Posted by on August 21, 2011
Aug 212011
 

By Graydancer

“Somebody, somewhere, has a cock bigger than yours.”

Somewhere, it exists. I don’t care how well hung your bio-cock is, how amazing the girth. Even those of you who are running to your dishwashers to pull out the double-ended cockzilla that you bought at IML, I can guarantee that next year in Chicago they’ll have the “Mark II” out, bigger and longer and phallickier than yours.

I’ve been teaching this concept for years in my “Hot and Kinky” class. Somebody, somewhere, has a cock bigger than yours. Once you realize that, it should be quite a relief, because you can stop trying so hard.

It’s not particularly American trait (the Romans, for example, were even worse than we are) but there seems to be some obsession with being “the best.” Even in the scene, people are often using hyperbole: “The best event ever, with the hottest/smartest/leatheriest presenters from around the world!” On a more personal level, you see it in the way people will try to be toppier or more bottomly, whether in numbers (“How many people did you suspend tonight?”) or in degree (“Fingered me? He German-Anal-Luge-Fisted* me!”).

It comes up occasionally in negotiation as well. There are tops whose goal is to be the “most intense” or the “most fucked up” or the “most orgasmic.” The problem is, that’s kind of setting things up to fail. What if you give him three orgasms, but his mistress gave him four once – does that diminish the previous ones? I think not. Worse, what if you succeed in being “the most” whatever? Two possible outcomes could result: either the person never matches it (in which case you have possibly given them a dragon to chase they can never capture) or else the next person does beat it…at which point your scene is dismissed, because it’s value was based on being the [insert hyperbole].

A friend of mine owns a lovely slave and considers it part of his responsibility to expand her horizons based on her interests. There was a particular top who was interested in playing with her, and of course she recommended he talk with her Master.

Master asked the would-be top: what do you bring to the table? Why should I let you play with her? The top had listed several of his domly skills (rope, impact play, knife play, the man is not without skills). But the Master just scratched his head, and said Well…no, I don’t think so. If she wanted to have any of those particular experiences, I can either do them myself, or else I know people who are, frankly, better at it than you.

As he told me about this, I tried to imagine how I would answer that question. Why should I let you play with her, Graydancer? What do you bring to the table? I realized that my own self-worth would come to the fore, and my answer would simply be: Me.

I told my friend that, and he said “Yes. That would have been a perfectly acceptable answer. And the follow up is: Good, now what does that mean?”

I’m still chewing on that one. I won’t ever be the best rope top, the meanest sadist, the cutest dom on the block. What I am, though, is the only Gray. So what does that mean? What do I bring to the table that no one else can, that makes our interactions together unique? Pondering this is a valuable lesson in both humility and self-esteem.

Having the skills is important. Learning to negotiate, to navigate relationships, to take responsibility for consent and respect, that’s all important. Let’s not forget, though, that we are all (as Lee Harrington puts it) unique little snowflakes. There is something ineffable about every one of us that perks the interest of that ineffable something in someone else. But you have to figure it out – eff the ineffable, if you will – in order to really use it effectively.

If you can’t think of any reason why people should play with you beyond a menu of skills and a list of references, I would suggest that you may be in trouble. Because there is somebody hotter, faster, stronger, younger, slicker, smarter, and with a gargantuan cock coming through the dungeon door any minute now.

But they aren’t you. That gives you the advantage.

Better use it.

With thanks to Evan for the concept, complete with hand gestures (ask him sometime)

Going It Alone to The Floating World

 Posted by on August 19, 2011
Aug 192011
 

By Indigo

This weekend was my first play event without my partner. My famous leather lover was off at a contest in San Francisco and left me in the protective care of a close friend at my first event as a single player, thanks to Polyamory! I had heard only good things about The Floating World but as I thought about going by myself I was getting more nervous and more stuck in my head about it. I got so panicked at one point I thought to myself ‘maybe I’m not kinky, maybe I don’t know how to be without my partner’ (as you can tell, the mind can be a dangerous neighborhood!). I came into the scene about two years ago with Sara and never knew what it was like to go it alone. As Sara’s submissive, I have become very accustom to allowing Sara to approach prospective players and initiate hot scenes so I knew this weekend would be a learning experience for me.

My first Friday class was just what I needed to get the weekend started off right. Simon, a fellow kinkster and a dear friend, taught a discussion based class called Kinky Communication (How To Avoid Being Tiresome and Needy and Get What You Want) that helped me walk away with several tips on initiating a scene:

1. Be direct – say what you want, mean what you say and don’t be afraid to ask.

2. Don’t be so attached to the outcome. If you’re not attached, you can create chemistry with your play partner instead of force it.

3. Be aware of yourself (your body language and your words) in your social space and be considerate of others.

4. Don’t be a jerk. Treat people the way you want to be treated; as Simon asked, would you sleep with yourself?

Some of these tips I already knew but to be reminded of them at the beginning of an event gave me the confidence I needed to be in communication about the type of play I am interested in without the assistance of my partner. This class helped me to begin to formulate what I wanted to get out of the weekend and to be open to experiencing my kinky self in whole new way.

Then, in one of Iganicio’s classes I had an epiphany. I was in the front row of their panel discussion on Boundaries when they said something that stuck with me. They were talking about a period of time when they were in a relationship and found it difficult to think outside of their relationship unit which meant their limits and boundaries where determined solely by the conditions of the couple dynamic. I realized that was exactly what was happening with my psyche: I spend so much time thinking about what is best for my relationship and put very little time or effort into creating what I want from my play outside my partner. I’m a title holder’s service girl and struggle to think outside of that role when reflecting on my place in the BDSM and Leather community. But I am also an individual who wants to express my sexual desires and the brilliant thing about being polyamorous is the fact that I can fulfill on those fantasies with others.

After these epic realizations, my head clear and my confidence high, The Floating World had officially begun! I demo bottomed for two classes: Goddess Roze’s TitToture class, where I withstood a nice breast beating and Dr. Ruthie’s Deep Kissing: The Art of Giving Blow Jobs, where I stepped into my top space and got a killer blowjob. I performed my poetry and became a unicorn (yes, a unicorn) in FloatingWreck! A Drag Show and Cabaret hosted by Traniwreck and received much love and feedback in response to my work. I developed a new top persona, Ms. Sir and learned not only do I love to receive staples but I love to give them as well. And I tried my first needle, which was scary, surreal and amazing, thanks to very close friends who helped walk my through the experience.

By the time I prepared for my nightly phone calls with my partner, I had so much to tell her I didn’t even know where to start! The Floating World was a wonderful event; the classes where exceptional and it was amazing to surrounded by such a supportive, open group of kinky folks. I learned so much about myself this weekend. I learned how to articulate what I want from my play and take a risk by asking for what I want from others. Going to an event by myself no longer seems as scary as it once was and at this rate, I can’t wait for what lies ahead at my next, independent lady adventure. Stay tuned!

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