We are Nothing

 Posted by on July 19, 2011
Jul 192011
 

By Mako Allen

Years ago, I remember being new to kink, and very hungry for it. I spent money I didn’t really have on all sorts of toys and clothes. I embarked on the quest for the most comfortable diaper that would make me feel the most babyish. I tried all sorts of new activities; new styles of play, all in the effort to reach some imagined new height of fulfillment. I made all these changes on the outside, which in the end it all came to nothing. But that’s exactly how it works.

Verse 11

We join spokes together in a wheel,

but it is the center hole

that makes the wagon move.

We shape clay into a pot,

but it is the emptiness inside

that holds whatever we want.

We hammer wood for a house,

but it is the inner space

that makes it livable.

We work with being,

but non-being is what we use.

Lao-tzu was a pretty smart guy. He knew the value of nothingness. The wheel turns around the hole, the pot holds the stuff inside, and the walls around the house enclose the space in which we live. It’s not the individual parts that make things what they are. All those parts wrap around or contain this essential void that truly defines them.

We’re like that too. I’m submissive to two of my partners, both of whom I consider to be my mommies. There are lots of ways they dominate and baby me. Sometimes they diaper me. Other times they put me to bed. Often, one or the other, or both will give me chores to do around the house, or scold me, and tell me to mind them. Much like the spokes in the wheel, the clay of the pot, or the wood of a house, these exchanges and play are the things we use in our power exchange. We build with them.

But it’s not like it’s a recipe. There are weeks when they don’t diaper me, and we don’t particularly “play”. Lots of times we just live our lives. But I still always feel that power-exchange between us, still respect it, and still get energy, calm, comfort, and surety from it. Even when I’m dressed in my vanilla day job clothes, and on my way to work in my car, there’s this invisible something going on between me and them, that wraps me up, and makes me feel complete.

It’s Nothing. That capital N is there on purpose. It’s life, without filter, without judgment. It’s experience, perceived. You can’t name it, can’t describe it, can’t teach it, and can’t learn it. You just live it.

What’s amazing about this is that everyone and everything, deep inside it, is Nothing. I’m Nothing, and so are you. This is about as close as Taoism gets to the idea of the soul. It’s not some ephemeral, unknowable, mystical thing, though. It’s who and what you are, without any of the external components that surround you.

Long before I ever had partners to submit to, or dominate, I was someone could do that. This is true of lots of things about me, and you, too.

Let’s strip me of everything. Away goes my relationships, the material things I surround myself with, my job, my home, my clothes (yes, even the diaper), heck even my very skin, bones, and body. Let’s not stop there – let’s yank away even my thoughts. What’s left inside is the unnamable, imperceptible essence of who I am. When I stop talking, stop thinking, stop yearning I’m one with it.

This is a challenge for us kinky people. We love to think in terms of our stuff, our achievements, and our community. I’ve myself said more than once about how I wanted to try to be a better submissive, or learn to be a more skillful, worthwhile dominant. You don’t try to be happy, though. You allow yourself to be.

Go inward, and observe your essential self.

A great way to do this is through meditation. It’s an immensely satisfying thing to do. I’ll slip into it as I run, or even while I’m being spanked, or during a diaper change. I quiet my mind, and follow the silence inside me.

In those quiet moments, I feel at peace. I recognize that when I throw off all those trappings and distinctions by which I name myself separate from everything else, that I kind of love everyone, and everything.

Why? It’s because without those trappings, we’re all Nothing.

Going Deeper in Play

 Posted by on July 18, 2011
Jul 182011
 

By Indigo

“Let me show you how strong you are.”

This comes from Sara every time we prepare for a play event and every time, I’m intrigued, frightened and nervous for the play that is yet to come. We’ve both been looking at going deeper with our sex and our play through sensations of both pleasure and pain. In playing with those sensations, we hope to both tap into forbidden emotions and to gain a profound sense of trust for one another. What scares me the most about “going deeper” is trusting Sara completely with my mind and my body, even if I am not certain of what lies ahead. I love being submissive to Sara but I’m always nervous about giving myself over fully and being vulnerable enough to let her take me to a frightening, unfamiliar place. Most of all, I never think I can really take as much pain as she thinks I can.

So when she said this lovely phrase as we were packing for Dark Odyssey’s Fusion, I finally asked her what she meant. She told me that she had grown tired of trying to convince me of my strength, beauty and courage and instead wanted to show me how strong I was…by beating me until I cried. When a sadistic smile was her response to my blank stare, it was then I knew she was serious. In that moment I had a choice: should I play it safe and stay with what’s familiar or should I trust my partner to take me to a scary place with the intention of showing me something greater than myself? I took a deep breath, put my fear in a safe place and told her I was willing to try.

Flash forward to our third night of Fusion in the dungeon: I’m still scared but find comfort in Sara’s words and occasional forehead kisses. My mind was racing wondering what Sara had in store for me but I reminded myself to trust, to let go and to allow myself to experience what Sara has been trying to convince me of for so long. I took Sara’s hand and let her lead me to a spot in the dungeon. We found a cross, set up shop and started to play. We started with some impact play and advanced to heavy punching. Every time Sara pounded her fist to my chest, I felt a release followed by a loud moan. Weeks of anxiety, uncertainty and worry came out of me with each sound and soon I wanted her to punch me harder and harder. I wanted to scream and cry. I actually wanted to feel intense pain and wanted my bruises to be proof. I wanted to trust my partner to be the one to leave the evidence.

It wasn’t until half an hour in when I finally broke down and cried. Sara wrapped me in her arms and rocked me until I stopped. She checked out her work, poking at newly forming bruises and marveling my ability to take the pain. Not only had I proven my own strength to myself but my willingness to “go deeper” in our play awarded Sara with elevated confidence as a top. My body was her trophy and I was happy to wear the bruises created by my lover.

“See, I told you. You’re much stronger then you think,” she said. And as my body continues to stockpile bruises and scars administered by her hands, I can’t help but agree with her.

Hedonism in Cafés

 Posted by on July 17, 2011
Jul 172011
 

By Julian Wolf

(photo attached)

Inns and monasteries started offering hospitality to travelers in the twelfth century, and shops specializing in coffee started opening their doors in western Europe in the seventeenth century, and by the nineteenth century casual eateries were starting to offer specialty beverages with their dining fare. By the 1950s, across the western world you could find establishments specifically designed not only to provide food and beverage, but also an atmosphere to enjoy them; the Café had been born.

Something many of us do from time to time is stop into cafés. Be it for a business meeting, a quiet moment, a quick lunch, to study amid the privacy of a crowd, or to get your caffeine fix, cafés are a part of many of our lives. San Francisco is uniquely blessed in that it has a boutique café that specifically caters to the BDSM community. Not only does it offer you upscale café fare, boutique coffee and specialty teas, it features a gallery of erotic art on the walls, a selection of lifestyle books and toys, information on events happening in the Bay Area and beyond and space for special events. At Wicked Grounds, you can wear fetish wear any time of the day, and they’ll even serve you your milk shake in a doggie bowl if you ask for it. In such an atmosphere all sorts of hedonism is not only welcome, but encouraged.

Not in the Bay Area? Well, with the right intentions, you can turn almost any café experience into one of great delight for all of your senses, and it can start before you even walk into the door.

Dear readers, let me propose that you allow yourself the time to truly experience one of your local cafés, wherever you might be. Let it start now. Which café are you thinking of? (Don’t know where one is? Check your local independent newspaper, they usually have advertisements for such businesses.) How will you get there? (Is it close enough for a stroll?) Let that anticipation resonate with you until you actually are able to go to the café you have in mind.

Once you arrive, if they have an a-frame sign on the sidewalk or an outside menu, take a moment to actually look at it. Is it decorated? Does it give you a hint of what is to come? While perusing the sign, let me encourage you to breath deeply take a moment to notice if the smell of their food and drink is already in the air. Once you’ve truly observed the outside of the café, go ahead and walk in.

Pause, if you can, and let your eyes feast upon your surroundings before finding a table or walking to the counter. Most cafés put quite a bit of time into their décor, how does the one you’re standing in rate? Notice if they’re trying to draw attention to anything in particular, and consider if you received whatever message they’re trying to send. Once you’ve taken a moment to take in the atmosphere, head to the counter (or table) and look over their promise of possibilities- the menu. Even if you know what you’re going to have, take a moment to see if you can notice something new or unexpected on the menu. You can allow yourself to be surprised by the new information, or comforted by the familiar. Once you place your order, let me encourage you to find a place to sit, and take the time to enjoy your chair and the table in front of you. Once you receive your items, remember to take the time to enjoy each sip, each bite, and the opportunity to do so. Now, since many of us seem to always have work to do, you can pull out your lap top, or grab those books to study, but try to remember, between turning the pages virtual or otherwise, that you are in a café, and that there are centuries of history behind making this experience a pleasant one for you.

While I must recommend going to Wicked Grounds for a delightful treat (may I recommend the lovely lemon bars?) and to take advantage of the uniquely fetishistic atmosphere and possibilities that do not present themselves in an all ages venue, I must also encourage you, even when away from San Francisco’s and the First and Only Kink Café and Boutique to let yourself open your senses to all that a café can offer.

Enjoy yourself.

Support café culture by frequenting locally owned cafés in your area. Support Wicked Grounds from anywhere by watching this video and going to SaveWickedGrounds.org.

Independence and Interdependence

 Posted by on July 16, 2011
Jul 162011
 

By C.K. Persons

The United States of America just celebrated its 235th Independence Day. All superficial sentiments aside, the holiday reminds us of the great value of freedom: freedom from anything that strips humans of dignity and freedom for the pursuit of happiness. Much more can be said of freedom, of course, but I prefer to focus on independence – and interdependence – in this month’s Catholic and Kinky column.

The U.S. has boasted of its independence – which in large part means its rugged individualism – for generations. And while human persons undoubtedly must come to an understanding of their own individual identity so as to live as authentically as possible, independence is essentially a mirage. Humans are entirely social by nature. We cannot even survive without years of support after our birth. And when we seemingly can live on our own, so to speak, we do so at the very least supported by vast infrastructures created by our fellow humans. It is also no secret that humans are happiest when in healthy relationships with others.

Now onto some theology and sexuality …

Scripture scholars refer to the first eleven chapters of Genesis as the primeval history: a theological look at the origin of creation, including humanity and civilization. In essence, the ancient authors of Genesis describe God as the central character: the Creator and sustainer of all life. God creates humans – as partners – to care for creation. There are countless theological insights throughout Genesis 1-11; but it is especially interesting to note for purposes of this article that the more humans try to do their own thing – that is, function independently from God – the more things go wrong. Eating fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and bad leads to an apparent sexual shame – and the “first” pair of loincloths! (Genesis 3:6); jealousy and envy lead to fratricide (Genesis 4:8); revenge leads to widespread wickedness (Genesis 6:5); and even after the Flood and God’s covenant, humans still strive to “make a name for ourselves” by creating the so-called tower of Babel (Genesis 11:4). In short, one theme throughout primeval history is that civilization is actually decline. In the minds of the authors of Genesis, life independent from God is no life at all.

Civilization is in no way a problem in and of itself. After all, there are some rather amazingly sexy “loincloths” nowadays! Seriously, much can be said about interdependence in relationships, but I’d simply like to encourage kinky Catholics to view their sexuality as a gift from God. All too often diverse sexual desires and expressions are seen as aberrations from the norm, though they are nowhere near as uncommon as many think. Due to both societal and ecclesial pressures, such sexuality is regrettably a source of shame for many kinksters, at least for a time. But I think that the good and bad, and natural and unnatural, experiences of our lives can help create a gift – a divine gift – of kinky sexuality. Such sexuality can unleash great creativity and intimacy in our lives, and it is not uncommon that love, joy, peace, patience, kindness and the like accompany kinky sexual practice. And at least in the Christian tradition, if the fruits of a relationship are such things, then there is no doubt of God’s presence (Galatians 5:22-23).

Independence from others is not only an illusion; but independence from God, at least according to Genesis 1-11, leads to the diminishment of life. Life can abound, however, when we let go of the shame connected to kinky sexuality and live out of the understanding that our sexuality as kinksters is a gift from God.

Security is Sexy

 Posted by on July 15, 2011
Jul 152011
 

By Sexquire

Often the best way to learn something is to live it, right? If that’s true, then I am an expert on this month’s column topic, because my real life over the past few weeks are what inspired this month’s post. In honor of the good neighbor who stole my bag (which also held my laptop), this month we’re going to talk about computer privacy and a few do’s, don’t’s and things I learned from my recent excitement. These tips can apply equally to businesses as well as individuals, as my computer served both purposes (like many small business owners). So no matter what you use your computer for, read on!

USE A PASSWORD! – This was the most important lesson for me in my recent debacle. I have my entire computer password protected so when one opens it, you need a password to get to anything. Thankfully, I also personalized the photo that shows up when you’re asked to enter the password to one of me and my son, and finally, I renamed the computer from the generic serial number name it came with to my actual name. All of these things helped ensure that my computer was returned to me, because the thief was unable to do anything with it and took it to a local repair shop to have the password he “forgot” reset. The employees there took one look at the picture and name on the computer, and ran the serial number through their database, which allowed me to reunite with my darling less than a week after it went missing!

It’s especially important in my line of work to protect the items that are stored on my computer (and this is why most of my files are ALSO password protected, and well known clients or those who would prefer their names not be known are assigned a number in my records), but I’m sure many of you have photos and other items you may not want a stranger being able to associate with you or disseminate widely. For this reason, passwords are VITAL to keeping your computer (and its contents) safe.

BACK THINGS UP! – Thankfully I have my backups set to automatically run, so that no matter where in the world I am, my files are constantly being backed up to a secure (additionally password protected) server. I do this because I run a business, but if you have invested money in music, videos, or time in photos that are on your computer, I encourage you to do the same. Especially if such items are one of a kind, are of the “home movie” variety or are something you would really be bummed to lose. There are LOTS of painless ways to do backup, and the best bet is to have two different systems in the event one fails. (And yes, this happens, I know plenty of people who thought they backed everything up and found out the hard way that they didn’t).

INVESTIGATE CLOUD AND SECURITY OPTIONS – In addition to registering your computer (yes, you SHOULD send that card back that falls out of the package as you’re anxiously opening your new toy, because some day that serial number could be the difference between getting your digital life back and having to begin all over), anyone who keeps even a minimal amount of sensitive data on their computer should investigate security options available. One product I have begun suggesting to clients is called “SafeOffice”, and the genius behind this product is that no information is stored on your own computer, it’s all kept in secure offsite servers (and it’s designed with clients who keep very sensitive information in their records, so rest assured it’s top of the line security. Cloud computing often receives criticism from security experts, but advances in security and options such as remote wiping of hard drives and information if a computer is ever lost are convincing more and more people (myself included) that storing things offsite may not only help retrieve things when they are lost, but can also prevent unwanted breaches of privacy.

Of course, the best way to avoid having incriminating information, photos or videos turn up somewhere is to never make or possess them, but I for one don’t want to live in a world where computers are kept free of anything that might raise an eyebrow. So keep it safe out there, and remember, the more secure you can prove your system is, the more likely folks will share their sexy with you!

YKINMK…and I’d Like to Learn More

 Posted by on July 14, 2011
Jul 142011
 

By Shanna Katz

Let’s look a little at opening our minds, and looking towards learning more about the wants, needs and kinks of others in the community.

The concept of “Your Kink Is Not My Kink” (ie, I’m not into that/that squicks me out, but I totally respect your right to do it and enjoy it) has been a long standing tenet of the kink community, both in real life and online. While it is not always followed (someone always seemingly something to say about how “gross” or “weird” any given act is), it’s often repeated as a mantra.

I vote we take it another step; your kink isn’t my kink, but I’d sure like to learn a little more about it. It’s that step between tolerance and acceptance, or between acceptance and inclusion. Notice that I am NOT in fact saying that everyone suddenly has to like every kink; nay. I’m just saying that instead of playing the “I tolerate you because you’re not like me” card, perhaps we could play the “I celebrate your differences from me, and want to know more” card.

This can play out in all manners of kink. Perhaps you are a M/s traditionalist – maybe start up a conversation with a self-identified switch, or kinkster, or pervert, and get to know a little bit about their identities. Maybe you eschew protocol and poo-poo it – take some time to attend a High Protocol lecture or dinner to get a little more insight as to why some people love the formality and structure of it. Scared of single tails? Sign up for a class on single tailing 101 to learn a little more about the tool, why people love it, how to use it safely, and so on.

Why does this matter?

Because as long as we preach tolerance instead of acceptance, we still create cliques and barriers, telling people they are not good enough to be included, or that their turn ons scare us. If someone was to say that they “tolerate” people of color, or people with disabilities, or queer folks, one would probably call them out as a bigot, state that they are all people, and preach acceptance. However, when someone says “oh, I tolerate littles/puppies/edge players/fire play/High Protocol/TNGers/no protocol/fill in the blank with your kink/fetish/activity of choice,” we all nod sagely and repeat “Your Kink Is Not My Kink.”

It is ok to be squicked. It is ok to not get something, or understand why something is a turn on. It’s even ok to be turned off by it. However, knowledge is power folks, and you’re not going to get that power unless you take the time, effort and energy to learn a little bit more about the things that squick you, the things that you don’t quite get, the things that turn you off. It’s only once you take the step of learning a little bit more about that thing that just isn’t your think that you can then say Your Kink Is Not My Kink, and really mean “It’s not my thing, but I accept (and perhaps celebrate) your liking it…even if I don’t.” Let’s move from tolerance to acceptance, to inclusion and celebration!

BDSM Explained: Acronyms Abound

 Posted by on July 11, 2011
Jul 112011
 

By Sea

This article is first of a three-series article that explains what BDSM is, and why people enjoy it. It would be helpful to those with or without an interest in BDSM who wish to know more about the terms and origins of interest, and those into BDSM who are looking for ideas for how to explain it to others.

I was once having dinner with business colleagues and we were discussing District Sales Managers (DSMs) and Regional Sales Managers (RSMs). With a few beers hindering my judgment, I blurted out that it would be funny if a Regional Sales Manager was instead called Bigger District Sales Manager. And then there was silence.

“BDSM?” asked one of my colleagues in a confused tone.

I quickly downplayed it as a silly joke and changed the subject. My colleagues did not know what BDSM meant. I am about to arm you with information so that if ever one of your colleagues makes such a joke you can say, “Aha! I know what that means! I am onto you, you perv!”

BDSM is an acronym of acronyms which encompasses B&D, D&S, and S&M. The “&” in the latter two is uncommonly used today. Instead a forward slash is used, or the symbol is omitted altogether (to mirror how the acronym is spoken) and I deliberately use different forms of these acronyms below to illustrate this point.

B&D stands for bondage and discipline. D/s stands for Dominance and submission. SM stands for sadism and masochism. The terms sadism and masochism were coined in late 1800s by Dr. Richard von Krafft-Ebing, an Austro-German Psychiatrist. Sadism is named after Marquise De Sade who authored books such as Justine. Masochism is named after Leopold Von Sacher-Masoch, who wrote Venus in Furs.

I see B&D to be a bit of an oddball and this term is uncommonly used outside describing what the acronym BDSM represents. Bondage and discipline are not complementary as are the other two sets, and discipline related activities are covered under D/s and SM. Therefore, history of terms aside, I interpret BDSM to mean Bondage, D/s, and SM.

Dominance and submission involves an authority imbalance, which may be conveyed by any combination of acts that can be described as obedient, deferential, appeasing, and/or capitulating.

While technically one can be bound by items such as metal or leather cuffs, bondage generally implies use of rope. Neither bondage nor SM necessarily imply dominance or submission; each can be about the sensation and altered states of minds which either activity has potential to induce. For emphasis, a person who identifies as dominant may choose to be bound or spanked for the sensation while retaining a role of greater authority. More commonly, however, bondage and SM do accompany D/s. To illustrate their relationship graphically, we can think of them as three circles with overlapping areas.

A related set of activities which is often associated with BDSM but is not described by the acronym is encompassed by the term fetish. This term itself requires explanation; fetish can refer to a sexual fetish or fixation for an object or body part (sometimes called partialism in the mental health community), or fetish can refer to a subculture related to the BDSM subculture. While there is overlap between what falls under BDSM and fetish, one may have a fetish (e.g. a foot fetish) and/or identify with the fetish subculture but not have an interest in the activities described above as part of BDSM. Still, the overlap is great enough for fetish to be considered a related term, for which reason I sometimes use the term BDSMF.

Wait. What? Fetish culture? BDSM culture? They are not the same?

Correct, they are not the same. By fetish culture I mean a subculture that is based primarily on the sensuality or underground sex appeal of attire that is associated with BDSM: clothing made of latex, leather, PVC, etc. This culture also has elements of nightclub culture. Some people who identify with the fetish culture simply like the clothing and nightclub events with the underground atmosphere; they do not identify as BDSM enthusiasts or participate in BDSM activities described above.

There also exist people who enjoy BDSM activities, but do not have an interest in attire commonly associated with BDSM, or in the nightclub culture. And then there exist people, like myself, who like each the activities associated with BDSM, and the clothing and type of nightlife described above.

Thus, the number of circles with overlapping areas increases by one. The figure below simply illustrates the concept and there is no significance about the sizes or location of circles, or the degrees of overlap.

Services Rendered: Fair Compensation for Educators

 Posted by on July 10, 2011
Jul 102011
 

By Sarah Sloane

New educators, there is one simple fact that I want – nay, I NEED you to understand: nobody gets rich from teaching about sex and kink. Even the most successful sex educators in the US aren’t what most of us would call “wealthy”, and the great majority of us – even those that do this on a full time basis – aren’t making a substantial income out of our teaching & writing. Sex education is not something that is culturally valued in our society, and without that cultural sense of importance we will likely find that most organizations & stores will be unable to pay us what they (and we!) wish they could.

Now that my pessimism has been aired, let me tell you what’s important to understand: as an educator, your business sanity will become contingent on your ability to balance your own desires and needs with the ability of the group that you’re teaching for to compensate you. Yes, we’d all love to get paid hundreds of dollars for every class we teach; and yes, we’d all love to be given a room in a five-star hotel and unlimited room service at the events we attend…but those are highly unlikely.

Novice educators – you will have to pay some dues. Until you have a proven track record of classes on your CV, understand that, for many groups, you are a genuine risk to bring in. The more prestigious the organization that is inviting you to speak, the more that they have to lose if you do a poor job – and that can be anything from speaking offensively to giving unsafe information. What this means financially is that our initial forays into presenting may require us to pay our own way to and from the event, cover our expenses, and occasionally even be asked to pay for our own registration in full. Is this bad? It depends on your outlook. If you see it as an investment in building your resume, it may be a perfectly acceptable (and perhaps even desirable) situation that you’ll want to take advantage of. However, if money and time are a challenge and the benefits don’t outweigh the expense, it’s likely to not be worth it to you – and if you opt to do it, you’ll need to check your resentments about the terms at the door before you walk in, or else you can be assured that you won’t be invited back.

That does not, however, let the organization off the hook for being respectful. Even if you’ve never presented before, your time and energy are valuable, and acknowledgement of that is an (unfortunately) unspoken part of the exchange. Some organizations who are financially poor will write you a thank you card, or bring cookies; I’ve had groups surprise me with a gift of some lovely yarn (I’m a notorious knitter), a bag of healthy snacks and bottled water to keep me going, or even passing the hat at the end of the meeting to help me cover my transportation costs. And honestly? The groups that go to that extent of trying to say thank you in meaningful ways are the ones that most educators clamor to teach at, because they know that their work is both welcome and appreciated.

When you approach (or are approached by) a group or event, make sure that you know what you need to get in order to feel good about the agreement, and be ready to state it clearly.

Once the group says “Yes, we’d like to bring you in”, it’s time to have the conversation – and I suggest you have it in writing, and that you follow up with a final agreement email. You’ll want to make sure that your responsibilities are detailed – the number of classes you’ll teach, when you will arrive & depart, what you will bring with you (handouts, resources, assistants, etc), and any other tasks or appearances that you’ve been asked to fulfill. You will also want to detail what the event is offering you in compensation – registration, hotel, expenses, pick up & drop off at the airport, meals, etc. The more clearly that you can list these and ensure agreement, the easier (and friendlier) that both you and the organization will be able to communicate prior to and during the event, and the happier everyone will be about the experience.

The goal of the business side of the negotiations is twofold: it’s to make sure that everyone’s expectations are managed – which avoids unnecessary confusion and drama – and to make sure that a good relationship can be built between the educator and their community. When that’s taken care of, the end result is an event that is a pleasure to teach at, and invitations to do so again in the future – which makes everyone happy!

My Bad. Sorta.

 Posted by on July 9, 2011
Jul 092011
 

By Amethyst Wonder

Way, way, back in the day, when it first occurred to me to look for kinky partners on the internet, before I’d ever had casual partners, before my needs had evolved into their current state of complexity, before I developed my processing or communication skills, I had an online interaction that I wish I’d handled differently.

I started out my kinky life identifying as a submissive, because that had been my relationship experience to that point. I was pretty new, and very wide-eyed. I found myself in an online conversation with a local Dom. I honestly don’t remember who first contacted whom, though my timidity at the time was enough to indicate I was the contacted, not the contact-er.

I was flattered by the attention and excited by the possibility of having found someone to help me explore my kinks. The Dom in question came on very strong, but I didn’t know enough to be scared off. I engaged in conversation with him, flirting, for a couple of days. However, I was not risk-averse enough to meet him without some vetting. I asked if he’d been active in any local groups or if we might know any of the same people. He gave me some background on his activity in the local community. I reached out to the two actual people I’d become friends with in the local scene to find out if they knew who he was. Boy, did they.

I got an earful of questionable (at best) and criminal (at worst) behavior supposedly displayed by this man. There were accusations of assault, embezzlement, harassment, and more. Everything they told me painted a picture of someone who was emotionally abusive, didn’t respect boundaries, and had major aggression issues. Even assuming there was another side to each of the stories, it was enough to stop me in my tracks. I decided I didn’t want to pursue any further interaction with this individual. I do not regret that decision.

What I do regret is what I did next. Which is to say, I didn’t do anything. I was sufficiently scared off enough that I stopped conversing with this person. Cold. I dropped off the face of the earth. While I may have had the right to do so, today I would not choose to discontinue contact without giving him a reason.

Being less tech savvy back then, I somehow managed to block him from my chat without blocking messages from him. The awkwardness and discomfort (and nasty messages from him) over the next couple of days probably could have been avoided if I’d simply told him right away I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. (Which I finally did, about two weeks later.) It was dismissive and disrespectful. Not knowing the truth behind any of the accusations, I could have been less judgmental (because, let’s face it, I was being super judgy.)

Let me be clear, I didn’t feel I was in any imminent danger. The person I am today would probably see the situation as a potential teaching moment. At the very least, being less afraid of conflict than I was then, I wouldn’t have been too intimidated to answer his earliest inquiries of where I’d gone.

I obviously don’t answer every message I get. But if I do open a discourse with someone, I make a point, now, to let them know if and when I close it. Look at me; I grew.

The Hierodule: God-slaves and Sacred Service

 Posted by on July 8, 2011
Jul 082011
 

By Bex vanKoot

The Hierodule: God-slaves and Sacred Service

“I am a flower of service

Opened to your hand, O Inanna.

Only with your plucking am I given differentiation,

Only with your need am I given purpose,

Only with the inhalation of your breath

To judge my quality — only by this

Am I made Ninshubur, Inanna’s woman,

And not some faceless servant in the crowd.“

– Excerpt from the poem Ninshubar by Raven Kaldera

We all serve something. Whether we spend our hours serving a lover, a family, a job, a country, an ideal or even ourselves, we all serve. It is what we serve that defines our lives. I serve love, and not just any love, but sacred, abundant, unconditional love.

It was not until very recent history that the idea of the whore was so completely cut off from sacred roots. In nearly every culture in the ancient world (and some modern ones!) there existed the idea of serving divinity as a sexual surrogate, a “stand in” (the root meaning of the word prostitute) for the gods and goddesses of love, sex and beauty. This is my calling – it is She whom I serve.

The Greeks called the sacred sexual temple servants “hierodule”, meaning “god-slave”, and modern scholars believe these women (the word is specifically feminine) were assigned the role of playing the Goddess, who varied from city to city and temple to temple. As the name suggests, these women were not often there by choice, but were sold or given to the temple by family or slave-masters, often at a young age.

In other city-states, like ancient Sumer and Babalon, no woman could wed until she had first lost her virginity in the sacred temple, where she would sit and wait until someone approached her and tossed a coin in her lap, signaling his desire to claim her virginity and allow her to leave the temple afterward, going on with her life. The stories suggest that some women stayed for a long time before being chosen, whereas others had only a short day to wait.

The history of the sacred whore has its controversy, some experts suggesting that we have no evidence to prove they existed at all. Personally, it matters not to me whether the history we know is accurate. What matters is how we act upon these ideas now.

I do consider myself to be in service to sacred sexuality, on a path that requires me to use my knowledge, understanding and skill in sexuality to share with others the beauty and joy in physical ecstasy, to allow others to meet the spiritual in sex and bring them to places they may not otherwise see. In many ways it is similar to sexual coaching or counselling, with massage and bodywork, health and nutrition, physical and emotional therapy all rolled in to one. I make use of divination, ritual, dance, music, poetry and song in addition to actual physical or sexual stimulation. I am both a priestess and prostitute, with the responsibilities of a spiritual guide and a sex-worker both, and it is through these responsibilities that I find my place. Just as Ninshubar, Goddess in her own right, but servant to great Inanna nonetheless, finds herself and her own worth in allowing her Goddess-guide to find her way and tell her story. Certainly I have my own needs and desires, and I am lucky that these things are not in conflict with my calling, but no person exists as an island. We are all in some way defined by our knowledge of the need of others, made wise by our reaction to that need. So often we feel as if we can’t know “who we are” until we understand our purpose here on earth, but the truth in my experience has show that ultimately, we become what we are only by the wisdom of why we are… so, what do you serve?

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