Straight Identity #1

 Posted by on July 7, 2011
Jul 072011
 

By Shanna Katz

We often talk about the ”other” identities, those that are considered to deviate from the norm – the LGBTQ community, the kinky folk, the non-monogamous folks, etc. However, EVERYONE has identities, even if your identities may be more of what society deems to be the ”defaults,” like straight, vanilla, monogamous, etc. In this column, I feel it is important to recognize all identities, as we all go through our own journeys to find and embrace them, whatever they may be. This post is about a woman who identifies as straight, among other things.

This interview is about your Straight identity…What are some other identities of yours:

Dancer, grad student, student, artist, bioarchaeologist, wife, daughter, sister

Define your straight identity – what does it mean to you, how long have you had this identity, how was the process of getting there?

I suspect I have always been straight. I tend to view sexuality as a biological based thing and so it just was. I have had many gay friends and relatives growing up so it was not that it was the default or only option I knew, I just liked guys. I know gender atypical play is often cited as sign of a future sexuality, but I was all over the board so I am not sure how helpful that was. I played with trucks and barbies. I never played house and went on adventures with the boys and made my own dress for the dolls and especially loved drawing frilly dresses for paper doll women.

Talk about some of the language surrounding this identity – what terms do you like/dislike?

Straight does not appeal to me much, but I don’t have anything better. I feel like it says I fit in a very small box and that anyone not like me is crooked or broken; they’re not. It also means honest or pure. My best friend is gay and he is both more honest and pure than I have ever been. I never liked birther before it was co-opted by the anti-Obama group not because it was meant as slur against straight people in general, but just because I don’t think the straight identity should be defined by the ability to have children. Heterosexual is fine, but painfully clinical. Lesbian evokes Ancient Greek poetry.

What are some common questions you get about this identity? How do you answer them and how do they make you feel?

I get questions about being married, but not much about my sexuality itself. However, my husband and I often discuss the option of plural marriage with another couple which does generate a lot of questions. The idea is that soul mates do not exist in our mind as we are evolved to like certain things in a mate, and those are not exclusive to one person out of 6 billion. The idea would be that we would have another man and his wife would be our life and sexual partners. I would be willing to have sexual encounters with the other woman, but it does not excite me in the way it does with my husband/the other male.

What are some of the positives of having this identity?

I can have children with my chosen partner and it is the one that gives all the legal and social advantages. It should only be the children thing and possibly religion (I believe religions should have the rights to be bigots but they should not exercise that right). From a legal standpoint, any 2 consenting adults who want to make a life together should be able to do so and get ALL the legal rights.

What are some of the struggles that have come along with this identity?

Compared to the other identities, I have had it easy in terms of my sexuality. However, the fact that in many ways I flaunt the gender roles means I am often “accused” of being a lesbian. There is nothing wrong with myself nor being a lesbian, but it is said at me as though there were. I am the only girl in my self defense classes, in a very male dominated field, kept my last name when I married, love watching football, hiking and rarely wear make-up. I look very feminine and have many “female” traits, but somehow others see my assertiveness and decide I am less threatening to them if I am not “like” them.

How does this identity fit or not fit with your other identities?

As said above, some do, some don’t.

Do: Irish step dancer, drawer, grad student, liberal arts college grad, wife, daughter, sister

Don’t: hiker, Krav Maga student, assertive female, broncos fan, Feminist, Lucy Stoner (kept my last name after marriage), biological anthro student, archaeology student,

How do you feel this identity is received in the sexuality and/or sex positive communities?

An open minded heterosexual who may have some level of sexual contact with a female one day is generally received as a good thing. However, I have heard that people in plural marriages are posers and that straight people who get married when others cannot do not really support gay rights.

What else do you want people to know about this identity?

Just that many of us do support the change that is coming and I hope everyone finds someone they love who can love them back.

Living a “Normal” Life

 Posted by on July 6, 2011
Jul 062011
 

By Micah Schneider

If you’ve been paying attention to this column since it began last year, there is a new article every month. The exception being when our little Munchkin was born three months ago, but I got a pass for that. Some months, finding something to write about has been really easy. Other months, like this one, are a little more difficult. The reason why is pretty simple. Despite what people might think, or fantasize about in their heads, our lives are pretty normal, and frequently boring to anyone but us.

Let me share some examples. This month, we’ve been having deep and meaningful discussions about breast milk. His bio mom works from home, but she’s a lawyer, and frequently out for long and unpredictable lengths of time. So I get to bottle-feed him a lot. And I mean that sincerely, as I love the bonding time my son and I get when I’m feeding him. We’re trying to maintain a careful balance between breast milk and formula, so we devised a simple system to track his feedings. But we’re also having a supply problem, so we have to make sure that mom gets enough time to use the breast pump, and we also need to track how much supplemental milk he gets, to make sure he continues to gain weight. And all four of us have to be on the same page.

We’ve been having some more serious discussions about family finances. I just finished grad school, and am currently amongst the unemployed. We’ve got enough resources to meet all of the family financial obligations, and having me at home means we don’t have to pay for child care, but in order to make our budget work, we have to carefully examine everything in the budget, and make sure we don’t overspend.

Not quite the fantasy life most people assume we must be leading.

Like every “normal” couple, we also debate, discuss and argue about silly or unimportant things. Just the other day, we actually seriously discussed the pros and cons of plastic versus wooden clothespins. The only difference between us and those normal couples is that there are four of us talking about the minutiae of life instead of two.

But, even in the minutiae, there is a kernel that I can share. And not just that plastic clothespins are a better choice because they are washable and last longer. And, as I frequently find myself saying in this column, the advice I’m about to give applies to anyone in a relationship, romantic or not.

You’ve got to have a “normal” life. Being poly is pretty awesome most of the time, and I’m not going to deny that it can be pretty hot, too. But no romantic relationship can be all sexy and fun all the time. In between your regular tussles between the sheets, you have to go to work, take out the trash, clean the house and all of the normal tasks of daily living. You’ve got to divide the labor fairly between you and your partner(s), so you have to talk about it. You have to talk about what to have for dinner, who’s going to cook it, who’s got the time to shop for it, and who cleans the dishes afterward.

So for those of you out there that have always secretly fantasized about having a big poly family, just started realizing your dream, or are already doing it, remember to keep it real. Don’t let your life become a fantasy from an erotic novel. Fantasies are nice, and a hell of a lot of fun, but may not make the best real-life full-time living arrangements. Don’t get me wrong. Indulge that fantasy as often as you can. But don’t ignore your “normal” life in favor of the one in your head.

If your poly life is as boring as ours to everyone except you, I’d say you’re doing something right.

Nonconsensual Vulgarity

 Posted by on July 5, 2011
Jul 052011
 

By Lucy Lemonade

I consider myself a professional kinkster. Now for some that phrase may mean I’m professionally kinky. But for the purposes of this conversation I am referring to this term as a professional individual who is also kinky. I’m stuck between the desire to be out and open about my kink and caught in a profession that would definitely frown on this type of behavior. I’m sure that many of you may understand this predicament.

I really love attending kinky conferences when I have some rainy day money to spend. Learning new skills and discovering fetishes delights me. There is a problem I’ve run into several times while attending these conferences: common etiquette while dining out when it comes to kinksters. I have found there are two different types of attendees; individuals who show proper etiquette in public, and those who don’t.

At a recent conference I attended it was time to venture off-site to have dinner. While the conference listed its dress code as street legal, I suppose “street legal” is not the same as tasteful. There was one young woman with almost her entire bosom hanging out of a corset with no cardigan or shawl in site. I know that may sound catty, but to me there is a difference between being sexy, and being provocative just for shock. So I ventured out away from the radius of the conference site hoping to find a nice place to have an early dinner. It seemed that some of the scantily-dressed found sushi to be the perfect meal as well. So there were tables of attendees that appeared to have rolled out of the boudoir instead of out for dinner. While I may have had interesting conversations with them, I didn’t have any desire to be seen with these individuals.

This is the mild version of my point on etiquette. One of the most unnerving lunches I’ve attended at a conference included having dinner with friends and chatting about professional career paths that was then interrupted by the couple sitting with us at the table pinching each other. One individual was pinching the other on different pressure points and forcing the other to keep silent. While the young woman did remain silent, her squirming and obvious discomfort drew more than one set of eyes to our table.

Perhaps I am prudish to some, even though I’ve been told more than once that speaking of dildos and vibrators is not proper dinner conversation. As a whole I feel like our society is losing hold of common etiquette within public, whether it comes in the form of obnoxiously chatting on your cellphone on the train, or table manners while dining out. My most pressing concern is being placed in a situation where I am being “outed” as a kinkster in the public eye. I call this phenomenon “nonconsensual vulgarity” and feel it should remain inside kink-spaces such as play parties or house parties held by kinky hosts.

I understand that during conferences attendees can feel a build of wild energy from interesting classes and impending play parties. This then spills over lunches and dinners where the code of conduct changes drastically. It can be hard to suppress that energy. I prefer the mystery of my kink to remain a mystery to the vanilla public. I may have my fetishes blazed across my Fetlife profile and show openness during conferences. But like many other groups of individuals, I prefer to “out” myself when I choose the time and place and not have that outing forced upon me.

Featuring Molly Crabapple

 Posted by on July 4, 2011
Jul 042011
 

By Erin Fae

“Olympia is [a] fuck-you confrontation in a pearly pink package,” Molly Crabapple told me of one of her favorite paintings. “Manet was painting the top courtesan in Paris, surrounded by all the luxury she’d earned, staring out with dead contempt. It was to be hung at the salon, where all the men who she’d slept with would be out with their wives. And she’d be looking at them. Olympia caused a complete scandal.”

Crabapple is no stranger to provocation. The young artist is most famous for bringing together burlesque, the underground and life drawing in a regular evening called Dr. Sketchy’s Anti-Art School. What started in New York City in 2005 is now a regular life drawing event with chapters in over 100 cities worldwide. Dr. Sketchy’s brings underground and burlesque performers into many artists’ and curious people’s lives who might not have come to the erotic in their work. People join together to draw porn stars, burlesque divas, circus acts and other performers from the underground, often in the most titillating barely-there attire.

A night at Dr. Sketchy’s is a work of performance art in itself. Some sessions have performers tackling different themes or scenarios (Jack-the-Ripper murders, a comic book or an upcoming holiday) while the attendees create their own interpretation of the erotic (still) life happening on stage.

I asked Crabapple about how Dr. Sketchy’s changed her relation to art, artists and the world. She gushed: “Having a built in community like Sketchy’s has enabled me to travel to places like Berlin and Sao Paulo, speak at the Museum of Modern Art, and introduced me to some of the coolest, most wildly creative people I could ever have hoped for.” She also feels that “many people are grateful to be able to meet and depict their favorite underground rock stars, and being able to create a space for those collaborations is something I’m extremely proud of.”

In her own work, Crabapple often combines depictions of Victoriana with underground and erotic performers, juxtaposing the two into what she calls “Saucy Victorian,” and bringing it all into vibrant color. “I came of age surrounded by nude models and burlesque performers–tough, indomitable women with sparkles and high heels,” she says when asked about the combination of themes “Meanwhile Victoriana inspired me with its combination of artifice and solid-gold-cruelty.” The women depicted in her work often seem exalted to a god-like status, in pigment and ink, their erotic presence is transformed into some kind of mythology.

Crabapple helped pay her way through art school by being a model—sometimes for artists, sometimes for Lowrider magazine. These experiences taught her a great deal about power and influenced the way she thinks about artifice and the erotic in art. She jokes, “Nothing will teach you about power like getting paid 150 an hour to lie naked and covered in hardboiled eggs for a wealthy amateur photographer.”

Molly Crabapple has dabbled in many media, from comics to drawing and painting to performance art and events. She’s been favoring using sharpie pens, and finds that her favored medium lately is “giant ink drawings. Sometimes I feel like all those tentacles and flying whiskey bottles are straight from my wrists.”

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The Big Fat Four Letter Word: Diet

 Posted by on July 3, 2011
Jul 032011
 

By lunaKM

As children we learn that there are bad words but the worst of them are four-letter words. We’ll hiss and point and swear to tattle on anyone you catch saying those four-letter words but still you might whisper it under your breath just to see what bad juju it might have. As a fat person, one word that gets pushed into our faces and shoved down our throats more often than those other words is also a four-letter word: diet.

For most people, the word diet doesn’t conjure up images of people spitting on them or taunting them with vulgarities, but for this fat person and for many that I’ve talked to the word diet, even when used with care can cut like a knife. It’s an accusation of weakness. It implies that I am incapable of self-control or that my eating habits have made me grotesque and so in your own way you are asking me to change for you.

You Suggest I Should Diet

Being fat and told you should diet, especially from someone you love or care for makes you feel undesirable and definitely not sexy. Sure our friends and family have our best interests at heart, but that cruel word can make us feel worse than those offending words we teach our children to avoid. In modern society that word has become negative and demeaning.

Sure, saying that I should consider a diet, or that I should try to lose a few pounds may not seem harmful to you. After all, you aren’t fat. When a fat person hears it it’s a different story. We hear that we aren’t acceptable as we are. We feel that we are being rejected as human beings. We feel ashamed and devalued. We can also feel insulted.

Non-verbal behavior is also a clear signal to a fat person that you think a diet is necessary. Consider if I went to a movie and bought a large popcorn and a soda on my way into the theater. The looks that follow me are usually along the lines of disgust, horror, shock. I know what you might thinking, “I can’t believe that woman is going to eat all that!”

But the next person walks up to the counter and orders the same thing and you don’t bat an eyelash. You know why that is? Because they are average weight. It’s “okay” for them to enjoy the simple pleasure of a big bag of popcorn and movie. So why can’t I?

When I Say I’m on a Diet

Complying to society, oftentimes a fat person will go on a diet. We can and do still feel protective of ourselves when people bring up our current diet efforts. It’s not something that needs to be recognized. We don’t point out to our average friends that their plates are too full or filled with unhealthy options. We don’t badger them with, “aren’t you on a diet?” questions.

I don’t care how helpful you think you are being, people on a diet – especially fat people, don’t want your suggestions or weight loss advice. This is unsolicited advice that hammers home the DIET that we have grown to hate but feel forced to use to be accepted. So, unless I’m asking you questions or asking for suggestions please keep these moments of “helpful advice” to yourself.

When I say I’m on a diet I am essentially denying myself simple pleasures. I’m limiting my lifestyle to try and become an average weight person and this impacts every part of my happiness. There is no way that we can love ourselves or love that other people love us when all we see is the diet and all we focus on is food.

Why “Diet” Fails Us

Diet has become a negative term because for the people who choose to diet it becomes an obsession; counting calories or fat or carbs, always wondering if they have had enough exercise today, if that extra bite of dinner is going straight to our waistlines. Dieting is not sexy. It’s work and for many of us who are fat, it feels like obligatory work in order to fit in.

If we aren’t average sized then we need to diet or we aren’t a welcome part of society. And that’s wrong. As human beings we need to choose to live and be happy, whatever happiness our bodies provide us. Some of us diet for health reasons or be happier with ourselves and for those people I encourage you to make sure that dieting does not become a crutch. You don’t need to diet to feel good about yourself.

I’ve been perpetually on a diet for the past 15 years. I’ve let it obsess me for awhile and then I abandon the diet to feel good about myself instead. I’m constantly battling with fitting in with society and being myself. I can’t decide which is more important.

And so I diet. I tell myself it is to feel healthier, to live longer and to have more energy- but is that really why I diet? I diet to fit in. I diet to get away from the looks from the mirror and from others. I diet out of embarrassment or shame. I diet because to feel sexy again, I have no choice.

Oh My God!

 Posted by on July 2, 2011
Jul 022011
 

By Richard Wagner

Dr. Dick, Were you really a Roman Catholic priest? I’m 38 and Catholic and trying to figure out where I stand sexually. I’d be gay in a second if I had confidence that was my authentic self. I’m definitely bi…somewhere in the middle. Anyway, have you discovered any insights in your experience how God fits into our sexuality? Or should ask, do you still believe in God? How did you find your way to producing porn? How does God figure in everything, in your opinion? Do you think a soul has a sexuality? Do I have too many questions?

Yes, you have way too many questions! But because you asked so nicely, I’ll do my best to answer each and every one.

“Were you really a Roman Catholic priest?” I were! For 20 years. Technically I still am. In fact, I am the only Catholic priest in the whole wide world with a doctorate in Clinical Sexology.

I completed my doctorate with the publication of my thesis concerning the sexual attitudes and behaviors of gay Catholic priests in the active ministry in 1981. This was unprecedented research back then. Hell, it still is. There was a firestorm of international publicity. I was soon labeled “The Gay Priest” in the media, as if I was the only one. This notoriety (some say infamy) effectively ended my public priesthood. I fought the Vatican for the next 13 years in an attempt to salvage my ministry, but they would have none of it.

So you’re a Catholic too; OK. But you’re still (at 38) trying to figure out where you stand sexually. I’m not sure I know what that means. You say you’d be gay in a minute if you thought that was your authentic self. You’re bi for sure…somewhere in the middle. In the middle of what, may I ask? Pardon me, darlin’, but you sound suspiciously like a mugwump. Do you know what that is? A mugwump is a fence-sitter, someone with his mug on one side and his wump on the other.

I mean, what in the world are you waiting for, a parting of the Red Sea? Since you don’t elaborate on the kind of sexual experience you’ve had in your 38 years that leads you to self-identify as a bisexual, I’m gonna guess that you are sure enough queer as a three dollar bill, but just can’t own up to it…maybe because of the whole Catholic thing. Am I right, or what?

“Have you discovered any insights in your experience how God fits into our sexuality?” You betcha I have! But I have a completely different take on this then you apparently do. Ya see I would have phrased the question in the reverse. How does our sexuality fit into god? The way you have it, suggests that the infinite can fit into the finite. And this is precisely where most religious people go very, very wrong. We do god a disservice by trying to stuff the divine into the mundane.

My sexuality fits into god when I am honest and authentic with myself about who I am and acknowledge my insignificance in the greatness of creation. I fit into god when I honor my sexuality, when I celebrate it, when I give it as a gift. I do not fit into god when I am dishonest with myself, or others, when I arrogantly claim my significance in the mind of god and when I belittle god with my pettiness and insecurity.

You’ll notice that I was careful not to mention anything about sexual orientation, even though I think that’s what you were ultimately asking me about. Mugwumps are so predictable. Sexual orientation, as we currently understand it, is a relatively new phenomenon in human history. And all of human history barely registers in cosmic history. Why do you suppose we’re so consumed about something so irrelevant to the big picture? And god is the ultimate “BIG PICTURE.” What concerns me is that you’ve come this far in your life and still haven’t been honest to god…or yourself.

Do you still believe in God? Yes, in a manner of speaking! I tend not to use the word “god” as much as I used to, because it comes with so much cultural baggage. I prefer the term, “divine. But whatever I call it, I’m positive my god is nothing like your god. Your god is made in your image. My god is not. In fact, my god so unlike me—a mere fallible, insignificant mortal—as to make my god incomprehensible to the likes of me. But that doesn’t mean there’s not an appreciation. There is!

“How did you find your way to producing porn?” God made me do it! Just kidding. It all started back in 1981. My career as a therapist in San Francisco coincided with the advent of HIV/AIDS. Not surprisingly, my practice evolved into working primarily with sick and dying people. In the mid-90’s I founded a nonprofit organization called, PARADIGM, Enhancing Life Near Death. It was an outreach and resource for terminally ill, chronically ill, elder and dying people. Despite the fact that this was brilliant cutting-edge work, I couldn’t find the funding I needed to keep the nonprofit alive. This precipitated a massive mid-life crisis and a rather sudden move to Seattle in 1999.

I continued to work with sick and dying people here. I developed programming for women newly diagnosed with ovarian cancer and men with prostate cancer. This lead me to develop videos for people experiencing life threatening and/or disfiguring illnesses; to help them deal with reintegrating sex and intimacy into their life post diagnosis. But I couldn’t find funding for this ambitious project. No mainline foundation would fund an overtly sexual project like this. I would have to fund this on my own. But how? Friends prevailed on me to start shooting porn. I’d make a load of money and then I could fund my heart’s desire. Thus Daddy Oohhh! Productions was born. Alas, the load of money part never materialized. I did some good stuff though; stuff I’m proud of.

“How does God figure in everything, in your opinion?” Again, the better question is: How does everything figure into god? And here my answer echoes my previous answer. Everything figures into god with ease and grace.

“Do you think a soul has a sexuality?” Nope, I don’t. Sexuality is part of the finite material world. It’s a bodily function that apparently goes away when our body dies, sometime even before we die. A soul, as it is popularly understood, is something other. What precisely? I can’t really say. Hey, maybe something else takes the place of sexuality in the spiritual world. I guess you and I will just have to wait to find out.
In the meantime, wouldn’t it be great if you freed yourself up to be exactly who you are? And not wait on someone, especially someone of a religious bent, to give you permission to do so, or tell you what you can and cannot be.

Good luck

Struggling with Desires

 Posted by on July 1, 2011
Jul 012011
 

By Sarah Sloane

Dear Sarah:

What would you suggest for someone who struggles with expressing sexual and S&M desires? I have them…in spades…but I have issues asking for what I want, both because of fear of rejection but also struggling with seeming “too weird”. I have an odd play history, so there are a lot of basic things I have never done and a lot of dark edgy stuff that appeals to me strongly. It’s embarrassing to admit I have a large “gap” of both knowledge and experience in my play history. Top that off with limited negotiations at all in the last decade (only 4 play relationships where I submitted rather than bottoming)! I miss the old days but I know I need a better way to talk about things before I can just jump out there and be safe.

Signed, Do I or Don’t I?

Dear Didi,

That fear of rejection gets us every time. It’s the reason that many relationships never progress (or end in unsatisfying ways) – we hold ourselves back from asking for what we really want because we’re afraid that we’ll be criticized, met with silence, or even abandoned. Unfortunately, most of us have had the experience of having been met with negative reactions when we disclose what we’re into, so it’s hard to for our logical minds to argue with our gut fears.

I personally think that you’re on the right track by considering how to approach the opportunity before it actually arises. When we think through how to communicate our desires to someone ahead of time, it helps us “work out the bugs” in the system. And of course, when we’ve practiced saying things (even if it’s just writing them down) we get more confidence when it comes to actually opening our mouth.

First of all, if you haven’t done so yet, take a look at what your fantasies and desires are. What will it take for you to be happy with a new partner? What are appropriate levels of risk and trust in newer play relationships, versus those that are more long term? Exploring what feels safe for us to engage in, and what things we need to have in place before trusting someone to go there with us, can help us frame our conversations. And – importantly for those of us for whom it’s been a while – balancing our desires with a bit of reality can help us move safely through the process of disclosure.

Then comes the question of how and when to disclose. I personally take the attitude that dropping hints or asking open-ended questions ahead of time works well, as does looking for qualities like acceptance, enthusiasm, open-mindedness, and creativity – all of which tend to point towards a great possibility that the person that you want to play with will be more likely to accept (and be intrigued) by your desires.

As I see the results of those hints and “mini-disclosures”, I make a decision on whether I want to disclose further. In general, the deeper & further that you want to go, the more trust has to be built up – and that only happens over time…so taking your time in the “getting to know you” phase usually pays off well as things come to fruition. I am also careful to talk about what I want without automatically putting the other person in the position of having to fulfill those desires. Hearing “I have fantasized about wearing a collar and being led around a party on a leash” creates less pressure than “I need you to lead me around on a leash and call me slave all night”. Of course, we eventually do want them to do it, but when we share our desires, often they will respond with a desire of their own. Ah, the joys of negotiation!

The short – and long – of it is that in order to be happy in play relationships (as well as in any relationship), we have to feel safe to disclose the reality of who we are to each partner – and we need to feel that we’ll be respected, even if they are not interested in participating everything that we want to try. It works best when everyone brings most (or all) of who they are to the table – when everyone feels safe to share their fantasies, and creates the bonds of trust that, regardless of whether that fantasy is one that is pursued or not, will intensify the connection between us and our partner.

Fashion Inspiration at a Glance

 Posted by on June 30, 2011
Jun 302011
 

By Nina Love

One of the problems that I’ve encountered since joining the wonderful world we call the “scene” is that it is increasingly hard to stand out in room full of perverts. Getting ready for a CON can be an overwhelming endeavor. I can take the easy way out: throw on the over-priced, mass produced PVC dress from Lip Service, match them with the Devious boots that half of the people at the party have in their closet and head out the door. But then I’d be – well, I’d be just like everyone else. Of course your experiences may differ, but for me being an active member of the kink community is not about being just like everyone else. It’s about being me and expressing it.

I’m often envious – even outright jealous – of the brilliant, creative ideas developed by – well what seems like just about everyone but me. However, contrary to popular belief, most creative geniuses are not artistic masterminds. They are geniuses because of their ability to take advantage of the resources that they have available to them. One of my most valuable resources is the brilliant work of other people. I’m not talking about imitation, but rather *emulation and inspiration.

Since entering the scene I’ve been finding inspiration and the resources to pull off my inspired vision just about everywhere: other people’s outfits, mainstream television and magazines, porn, art, nature, even the grocery store. I began by ripping pages out of magazines and taping them to the wall, jotting down references on sticky notes and bookmarking web pages. The problem – oh so obvious now -was that I could either not find right the sticky notes when I needed it and that I never ….ever….looked at the inspiration ideas taped to the wall or bookmarked on my laptop. My problem – again, now painfully obvious – was lack of organization. Here’s what I used to get organized:

1. A *binder* (bold): It can be anything that allows you to move stuff around as you find it and add more resources and ideas. I prefer a binder that has a clear pocket on the outside front so I can add my favorite inspirational clip or one that comes pre-decorated in something that cries out, “open me!!”

2. Top loading sheet protectors to keep your inspirational clips and photos in.

3. Binder dividers: I added these much later in my inspiration collecting days, but have found them oh so important in finding the things that I am looking for at that moment. I break it down into:

  • Inspiration: In my binder, I broke this down into sub-divisions that included hair, makeup, apparel, accessories, etc). You can also break it down into categories that meet your needs, like: “Femme, Butch, or Costumes.”
  • Resources: your favorite places to shop
  • Me: this is where I put photos of outfits that I’ve pulled off well.
  • My closet: this is where I put photos of things that I have in my closet but I don’t use on regular basis and are kept in boxes – like tiaras, gloves, masks, etc.
  • Everything else

Find a method of organization that works for you. This is what works for me. The important thing is that you find a method, adapt it over time to meet your needs and – oh yeah – use it. Allow yourself the opportunity to play and create fashion ideas before the night of the event. I often use Sunday to play in my closet, sew, visit thrift stores or try new makeup ideas. Lastly, remember that you don’t have to be a creative genius to look like one.

Sensual Art: The Merriment of Daniel Merriam

 Posted by on June 29, 2011
Jun 292011
 

by T.M. Bernard

Though calling his creations ’erotic’ is a stretch, there’s an abundance of sensual feeling in the surreal, other worldly creations of Daniel Merriam, a self-taught artist who works include fine art, illustrations, animation art and bronze sculptures.

Born into an artistically inclined family in New England, the middle child of a large brood of seven kids, Merriam describes his childhood as an idyllic time that nurtured his creative. Music filled the air as each of the children took turns practicing the piano, and summers were spent vacationing in Maine, doodling with his siblings on scraps of paper and climbing trees. School was a hazy daydream filled venture, during which the young Daniel escaped in his imaginary world rather than focus on his studies.

Despite his natural talents, Merriam chose a more traditional path, and worked in the family business alongside architects and builders. His youthful enthusiasm for drawing and creating slowly disappeared and overtime he found himself numb and disconnected. It was then that his father – who had doubted that his son could make a viable living as an artist – encouraged Merriam to reconnect to his passion.

Emboldened by that heart to heart conversation, he squired himself away, focusing only on his creations, working furiously and teaching himself the ways of his unique style. Today, galleries around the globe represent Merriam, and his artwork is appreciated in shows from San Diego to Paris.

His fine art is exquisite, and where you find the most sensual depictions are in his renditions of the female form. Think Alice in Wonderland with bodacious curves and you have an idea of what femininity looks like in Merriam’s fantastical world.

The images are often richly hued, always elegant and graceful, and filled with symbolic bits and pieces that return adult viewers to visions of Cheshire cats, mad tea parties, and gardens that meander into the imagination.

One favorite and recently released piece is called Le Vie En Rose. Imagine a woman dressed in shades of red, orange and lilacs, heavy on the crimson, with fire-red butterfly wings fanning delicately from her back and her crown. A somewhat low neckline reveals not so much a plunging neckline as slightly distorted human proportions: elongated neck, tucked in waist, powerful shoulders, dainty hands. Her dress lies in soft, moving folds around her hips, while the woman in the picture looks off towards the distance. One gets the feeling that the art is very much aware of the viewer, but is to preoccupied with her own thoughts to bother much with her admirers.
In addition to his many paintings, Merriam has produced exquisite sculptures, illustrations and animation art. Dragons, horses, fairies, wings, carriages, moons and funny characters take center stage in many of his creations that often look like surreal imaginings of the more joyous aspects of medieval living. Interested collectors can find his work at such locations as Animazing Gallery and Avolon Gallery. Merriam’s work will also be highlighted at several shows this year including in San Francisco, France and San Diego. Visit his website for his latest releases and exhibition dates.

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Keep My Books: Sex Toys & Small Business Management

 Posted by on June 23, 2011
Jun 232011
 

By Clare Jacky

I often tell people that the majority of my job is the “unsexy stuff.” Most days are spent with bookkeeping, inventory management, event planning meetings, and a constant stream of paperwork. I spend a lot more time brainstorming about our point of sale system than erotic fantasies. In place of fucking my brains out every night, I am most likely answering my email or making to do lists for the next day. I make them on note pads I have taken from various hotels in Vegas (I wasn’t gambling but attending conferences). Small business management, no matter the industry, is a practice in plate spinning, prioritizing as best you can, and occasionally putting out some fires. Most of the time, it’s business like any other. Well, except I get paid to watch porn.

In my experience, working in a sex toy shop is multi-dimensional: porn and excel sheets, lube testing and paper filing, blow job workshops and staffing issues. This dynamic makes it constantly interesting. But, it is these nuances that outsiders often forget, focusing entirely on the oral sex and “porno.” Do people think I get paid to do nothing but sit around and think about sex for 40+ hours a week? Who would do the bookkeeping? Sometimes, the assumption that my work is so one sided is funny; other times it is exhausting. My brother once called me a whore after I spent the majority of my day doing the important yet incredibly unsexy and non-sexual task of staring at and evaluating a balance sheet. There were so many issues to address with this comment that all I could muster was “fuck off.” We really bring out the best in one another. The day after, I was off to California to take photos of porn sets. I was so excited but I didn’t tell him about it – my works makes him uncomfortable so I have stopped sharing.

I remember once spending the afternoon trying to fix a computer, which had stalled out with a virus. The PC nearly ended up across the room in pieces. That evening I practiced dislodging a plum pit with my tongue in a cunnilingus workshop taught by a world-renowned teacher. I was face deep in fruit, plum juice running down my hands, computer running like normal, and I thought, “this is the best gig in town”. That feeling is what makes me trudge through the derogatory remarks and hushed silence at family gatherings. My parents have both been to the store and think it’s lovely. “It is so well lit and approachable,” my mother said. They are concerned though, mostly about the outward appearance of my work. That MD is waiting for you, they say. I wonder if we will ever stop circling back to graduate school.

Their reaction is to be expected – to them, academic accomplishment is life. I tell them The Smitten Kitten has changed mine, and I’m not sure if I can go back. It wasn’t just the subject of sex that made me feel stronger and smarter, although that was a big part of it. It was also learning to keep the plates spinning, hustling for an event, and understanding a profit and loss statement. All of these things are part of what being in the sex industry looks like for me. And it is not an exercise in rebelling against my career driven, liberal upbringing or because I’m queer. I’m not misdirected and this isn’t a phase. I get free sex toys and health care in my benefits package, and the work can be hard as hell. Occasionally someone will respond to my job description with awe, with an excitement in their eyes that is the same as the excitement in mine. Part of me hopes that my family will have that twinkle someday. In the meantime, you can find me on Quickbooks or reading up on latex care.

Biography:

Clare Jacky is the Business Manager at The Smitten Kitten, a high quality sex toys and equipment retailer based in Minneapolis MN. Clare started at The Smitten Kitten 4 years ago and instantly felt at home. She enjoys the complexities and freedom of working in both the sex industry and small business. She loves discussing porn and cooking, sometimes in the same conversation. You can follow her on twitter at @SmittenBusiness and can find The Smitten Kitten.

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