The Face of a Fat Bride

 Posted by on May 8, 2011
May 082011
 

By lunaKM

No one has ever told me that I will make a beautiful bride. I’ve never heard the words “stunning” in reference to me in my wedding dress. It’s always been pretty or slimming or simple. Yet I know that I will be the most beautiful bride for my future husband, because he has chosen me.

Next month I will be a fat bride. I will walk down an aisle and marry my best friend, the man who makes me feel like the precious jewel of his existence and the light of his life. No matter how rotund I am he can see the perfect me. The imperfections that I will try to hide as I slip into the dress, the shawl I will wear to cover my flabby underarms; these are all things he doesn’t see when he looks at me.

Sure, I will love his handsome figure in the rented tuxedo, but I imagine when I walk down the aisle that I will have fleeting thoughts of trying not to trip, hoping I’m not smiling too big, that I’m holding my head just so my double chin isn’t pronounced and walking so that my pendulous hips aren’t swaying as much. But I know he’ll be thinking distinctly different things.

He’ll be thinking about how lovely I look, how the light shimmers in my hair, how my lips are so kissable and that the dress just floats along my curves. He’ll want to caress my bare shoulders and wrap his arms around me to declare his love.

And that’s really what I should be thinking, isn’t it?

The bridal industry teaches us that brides are young and thin, like paper dolls and princesses. Rarely are brides pictured as average or large and still embracing and rocking their days. I admit that it’s slowly changing. There are over 70 bridal designers that make their dresses in plus sizes now, compared to the 10 I had to look through the first time I got married 11 years ago. TLC channel has “Say Yes to The Dress: Big Bliss” all about large ladies looking for their dream gowns at Kleinfeld’s in NYC. Offbeat Bride never fails to show real brides in real sizes having a blast on their big day.

I hope that I will be able to relax and enjoy the reason for the occasion and not what I look like. After all, I’ve found love exists and size doesn’t have to be a misery. This “all about the dress” stuff has got to pass me by. With every day closer to our vows I need to own the phrase, “I am a fat bride” and not let it weigh me down.

I am a FAT bride. For all the words I use to describe myself, this one tends to flip from being positive to being negative. I need to empower myself to love the large dress and how it makes me feel. I need to get out of my body and see that beauty has nothing to do with the amount of flesh I have, but the way I hold my head and the happiness on my face.

I am a fat BRIDE. That’s right, the cosmos won’t shift if I get married, but I certainly hope he’ll rock my world for the rest of my life. I know I’ll be rocking his. So let’s do this. Get the music going, everyone in their places. Here I come, larger than life and utterly lost in the love I feel coming from his gaze. After all, a fat me is the perfect bride for this man.

The Philosopher and the Student

 Posted by on May 7, 2011
May 072011
 

Or, the Aristotelian Perversion


By The Court Jester

The ancient Greek philosopher, Aristotle, noticed that his soon to be “great” student, Alexander, was distracted and inattentive to his studies. After some careful investigation he discovered that Alexander’s attention was being consumed a seductive, young female.

He scolded the young Alexander at length that this young woman, by the name of Phyllis, was doing harm to his academic studies by dominating his thoughts. He would do better to attend to his lessons.

Now, Phyllis did not take kindly to the philosopher’s advice. She planned revenge on this interfering old busy body. So she stole herself into Aristotle’s garden where she commenced a song and a dance that was seductive and irresistible to the old man.

He approached the young women and, despite his better and learned judgment, he succumbed to her sultry nature. Would he not, she opined, win her affections by crawling about, bit in his mouth and saddle on his back, like some beast of burden and parade her about the garden? The deluded and be smitten fool eagerly complied and borne her on all fours amongst the rose bushes.

Of course, this was not the only element of her scheme. A forewarned Alexander was secreted away in an overlooking window so that he was witness to his tutor’s humiliation as he cast aside his books for the affections of the fair Phyllis.

Needless to say, Alexander confronted Aristotle with his demeaning antics in his cultivated domain. As always, the philosopher attempted to draw a lesson from his humiliating experience. If, he reasoned, a person of his experience and with his knowledge could be led astray by a young beauty then think of the impact she could have on Alexander’s youth and innocence.

Nonetheless, the philosopher no longer lectured him on the neglect of his studies.

This is a lovely tale, whether true or not, and it has inspired artists, mostly in the Middle Ages, to bring this story to visual life. Below is a random collection by various artists in an attempt to convey this morality tale. There are many more.

In particular, I enjoy the print by Master MZ. She seems to be really enjoying herself and Aristotle looks particularly forlorn and humiliated. Also, the Georg Pencz print is enjoyable if only for its uniqueness. She is wearing spurs in the bottom center of the print. Ouch! Poor Aristotle.

Of course, all of this makes one think of “ponyboys”. Was this in the back of these artist minds? Was it in the minds of the viewers? It was an extremely popular topic in the 1500’s. In the absence of the Internet perhaps this was very titillating for all those secret ponyboys and ponygirls.

A Man of Few Words

 Posted by on May 6, 2011
May 062011
 

By Amethyst Wonder

Several months ago, a FetLife friend commented on a photo that I found intriguing. It was of a young man who was not only attractive, but seemed intelligent and thoughtful. I took notice of the young man, but didn’t take any action.

A few months later, at Dark Odyssey Winter Fire, I had occasion to meet him in person. I recognized him from his picture and decided to speak up. I was on staff at the event (and mid-shift), so I only had time to briefly introduce myself and ask if I could contact him later. I didn’t mention at the time his having caught my attention months prior, because I thought it might be a little disconcerting for him (read: make me look like a stalker).

I wrote him a note (online) telling him a bit more about myself and that I wanted to get to know him. Contained in that note was something this person took offense to. It was something I saw as completely innocuous, but it touched a nerve.

You see, this fellow happened to be of less than average height and I told him I thought he was adorable – a word I use a lot. I use it in the literal sense of referring to something I do or might adore. Just that weekend, I had referred to a pair of really hot boots and a rather interesting bruise pattern as adorable.

Now, in all fairness, I have no way of knowing if I had been the only person to hit this nerve recently, but instead of responding to me, he wrote a journal post to the world. I saw the post by, once again, following a mutual friend’s comment to his profile. When I read of his irritation at being called adorable, I was a bit annoyed that he hadn’t chosen to tell me this directly, but also, I was saddened that I had caused someone any sort of (non-consensual) pain. So, I did what I do. I apologized.

I wrote him another note explaining how I hadn’t meant the word in any diminutive sense and that I was sorry he’d been offended. I didn’t receive a response. I wouldn’t really have given it another thought, except that, being in the same metro area, we’ve run into each other in person since then. It may be my ego talking, but he seems to be actively avoiding me.

So in an interesting turn of events, this month my complaint is not with something someone said to me, but with something someone didn’t say to me.

He has every right to decide who he does and does not want to engage with, but it brought home a lesson for me. Maybe it’s because I fancy myself a writer, but I appreciate people who actually communicate. I can’t help but feel that expressing your own needs and feelings is the most effective way to have those needs and feelings respected. I find communication empowering. I think not telling people how you want to be treated is to resign yourself to experience the same hurts over and over again.

Use your words, people. Use your words.

Sex and the Aging Male, Part 1

 Posted by on May 5, 2011
May 052011
 

By Richard Wagner

Last month in this column I opened a conversation on senior sexual issues. I’d like to pick up that discussion this month; by focusing in on the concerns we older men have regarding our sexual performance.

I receive a startling number of e-mail from older men and their partners, which highlight the sexual difficulties of the aging process. It’s not surprising that these people are noticing the changes in their sexual response cycle as they age, but it is astonishing that they haven’t attributed the changes to andropause.

Here’s Djon who has some reporting to do.

Dick,

I’m a 54-year-old man, who 3 years ago managed to finally come out and live the life I so desperately longed for all my life. My question — is there a biological clock in men like the issues women have to deal with in menopause.

During the last years of my marriage there was no sex life other than with myself. Now I’m living a fantastic life, with a great man who I love very much. I know there is more to life than sex but now that I’m finally able to express myself physically with a man my ability to perform is just not working.

I’ve tried Viagra and such years ago. They used to work in maintaining an erection, but it was just by myself and I always had fun. The headache’s and discomforts from the meds bring up the question — do I really want to take this?

But now the med’s don’t even help, and as for my libido it suffers with my lack of ability. I’ve been tested for testosterone levels and they say I’m right where I should be at for my age. I’ve seen two doctors about the issue and when they find out my partner’s sex they don’t want to deal with it and seem to just pass it off as an age thing.

I’m in fairly decent shape, I exercise 3 – 4 days a week at the gym, can you send me any advice on a path to take.

A little frustrated!

A little frustrated? Holy cow, darlin’, you sound a lot frustrated—and rightfully so! You finally find what’s been missing your whole life only to discover that your plumbing is now giving out on you. Ain’t that a bitch!

And before I continue, I want to tell you and all the other alternative lifestyle people in my audience: don’t settle for a sex-negative physician—no matter what. Find yourself a sex-positive doctor that will look beyond your choice of partner; someone who will give you the respect you deserve!

You raise an interesting question about the aging process when you ask if men experience something similar to menopause in women. The short answer is—ya, you betcha! In fact, it even has a name—andropause. It’s only been recently that the medical industry has started to pay attention to the impact that changing hormonal levels have on the male mind and body. Most often andropause is misdiagnosed as depression and treated with an antidepressant. WRONG!

Every man will experience a decrease in testosterone, the “male” hormone, as he ages. This decline is gradual, often spanning ten to fifteen years. While the gradual decrease of testosterone does not display the profound effects in men that menopause does in women, the end results are similar.

And listen: when a physician says that your testosterone level falls within an acceptable range, he/she isn’t telling you much. Let’s just say you had an elevated level of testosterone all your life, until now. Let’s say that you now register on the lower end of “acceptable”. That would mean that you’ve had a significant loss in testosterone. But your doctor wouldn’t know that, because he/she has no baseline for your normal testosterone level.

There is no doubt that a man’s sexual response changes with advancing age and the decrease of testosterone. Sexual urges diminish, erections are harder to come by, they’re not as rigid, there’s less jizz shot with less oomph. And our refractory period (or interval) between erections is more elongated too.

Andropausal men might want to consider Testosterone Replacement Therapy (TRT). Just know that a lot of medical professionals resist testosterone therapy. Some mistakenly link Testosterone Replacement Therapy with prostate cancer, even though recent evidence shows prostatic disease is estrogen-dependent rather than testosterone-dependent. I encourage you to be fully informed about TRT before you approach your new sex-positive doctor, because the best medicine is practiced collaboratively—by you and your doctor.

Finally, getting the lead back in your pencil, so to speak, may simply be an issue of taking more time with arousal play. Don’t expect to go from zero to 60 in a matter of seconds like you once did. Also, I suggest that you use a cockring. But most of all, fuckin’ relax, why don’t cha already. Your anxiety is short-circuiting your wood, my friend. And only you can stop that.

Good Luck

Next time: Andropause from a female partner’s perspective.

Howdy There Partner

 Posted by on May 2, 2011
May 022011
 

By Shanna Katz

Sometimes, the English language just fails me. Aside from the ridiculous issue of pronouns (I mean, really, do we need to have masculine and feminine pronouns when we conjugate everything in neutrality anyways?), it’s so interesting trying to navigate in field of terminology to refer to people’s partners.

The other day, someone referred to my partner as my “wife.” Well, since both of us reject the concept of traditional marriage (versus our upcoming “Queer Celebration of Love”), it didn’t really fit, but even more so, it doesn’t fit because my partner doesn’t usually identify with either female or male identifies. My partner identifies as genderqueer, residing outside of that binary.

So the term girlfriend doesn’t really fit either. Moreover, as one of my straight friends revealed to me, calling her partner “boyfriend” after ten years of being together feels silly to her, and like she’s back in high school.

So now, when I talk to people, I always use the term partner. It is gender neutral, orientation neutral, and therefore, seems to have worked pretty well for us over the past few years. However, partner is also a pretty flexible and umbrella term (one of the reasons we like it), which then causes issues in other ways.

When my grandfather talks about his partner, he is referring to his former business partner. They made their way to the US after surviving Auschwitz, and started a hat business together. When he hears the term partner, his schema automatically files it as business partner.

Partner can be someone with whom you commit mischief – your partner in crime. Partner can be a sex partner – a fuck buddy you see upon occasion for a booty call. Partner can be a play partner – someone your meet up with at kinky events for flogging, spanking, or fire lighting practice.

Partner can be someone you’re seeing or dating…or someone with who you co-habit, or someone with whom you’ve spent the last 30 years of your life loving. Partner can sure be a lot of things and that can get confusing, but really, is there better language out there? I don’t think so.

When I call my partner “my partner,” I never know if people know what I mean. Given that my femme invisibility causes me to be read a straight woman fairly often, people sometimes think

I’m referring to my partner in a business sense. Others get confused about the commitment level of our relationship – because we refuse to use terms like finance or girlfriend, because are constantly asking me if the queer celebration of love is still happening, etc, because CLEARLY, if we really were “engaged,” then we’d be using more “serious” terms.

On the other hand, I use the term partner for almost all of my friends’ relationships…whether or not they are legally married. This has caused its own issues, because me using my gender neutral term partner in order to work towards language equality has some of my friends feeling as though I am devaluing their relationships by not using the terms husband and wife.

Is there an answer? I have no bloody clue. I haven’t been able to think of one. And in the long run, does it truly matter if people thing my partner, with whom I share residence, kitties and my emotional and financial burdens, is “just” a business partner? Another question to which I have no answers.

The Secret Cabinet

 Posted by on April 29, 2011
Apr 292011
 

Or, Sex in the Museum

By The Royal Jester

The golden ratio in art and architecture of the Greeks and the precise engineering of the ancient Romans, among their other sophisticated achievements, drove the resuscitation of western society following the grim Medieval period. These ancient cultures were much admired and influential even though the occasional poem or piece of artwork seemed to indicate a more “naughty” view of their world.

It was not until the mid-eighteenth century with the unique discovery of Pompeii preserved in time that this perspective really began to change. There is an anecdote of King Carlo III of the Two Sicilies (Naples and Sicily) visiting one of the new excavations with his entourage. It was a festive atmosphere since the workmen were about to bring to surface a sculptural masterpiece.

The desired moment occurred and the sculpture was raised. The King took one look and suddenly, and with great embarrassment, left the site. It was a statue of Pan being intimate with a she-goat or, as we would say in the vernacular, fucking the beast. The statue was quickly taken away to what later became known as the National Archaeological Museum of Naples (Museo Archeologico Nazionale di Napoli).

A descendant of King Carlo III, the soon to be King Francesco I and much sooner to be embarrassed, visited the museum with his wife and daughter. As a consequence of his little foray into the art world all items considered obscene were removed and isolated in a separate room sometimes referred to as the Secret Cabinet (Gabinetto Segreto) or the Cabinet of Obscene Objects.

The Secret Cabinet was available only to those who were mature and of sound moral character. Of course, this made the collection highly desirable to view, even though most were denied access, and led to its notoriety.

Through the decades that followed, the Secret Cabinet was variously made available to a select few, closed and opened, allegedly walled shut, opened in the 1970’s then suddenly and mysteriously closed for “renovations.” The room is now opened to all except minors unless accompanied by an adult. It requires a separate entry ticket, but it is free.

An attempt was made early on to explain away the erotic or “obscene” art found at Pompeii. Such work was alleged to be solely associated with the numerous brothels that were excavated (the most famous being the Lupanere or “den of she-wolves”). But the truth is that erotic art, especially in the form of a penis, can be found everywhere as common household items including wind chimes and lamps. The penis may be a fertility symbol, but, to paraphrase Gertrude Stein’s, a penis is a penis is a penis is a penis.

Pompeii was not alone in coping with peculiar artwork. The British Museum had its own Secretum or Secret Museum, sometimes referred to as “Cupboard 55” in the Department of Medieval and Later Antiquities at the British Museum. There was also the “Private Case” of the British Museum Library devoted to printed material.

These special collections were then officially restricted after the Obscene Publications Act of 1857 to protect the museum from scandal. Eventually, however, the various pieces that comprised the Secretum were re-assigned to their appropriate civilizations with full public exposure. Wisely enough, some pieces were kept together as part of a display in order to illustrate prudish Victorian attitudes. After all, they had it coming.

Does your local museum or library contain secret collections of erotica? Who knows? If they do remember that you probably need to be an upright citizen of sound moral character. Nowadays that can be quite a challenge.

Learning To Dance To The Kinky Tune

 Posted by on April 28, 2011
Apr 282011
 

By Jay Morgan

Lets consider for a moment, a curious, committed couple is considering stepping into the BDSM/Kink lifestyle for real. This adventurous couple has “researched” online, bought a flogger, and some cuffs. They have talked at great length about going to a munch to meet people they have interacted with online. This couple has decided to meet some other people and maybe learn something about flogging, or rope bondage. The next part is a big step for any couple, regardless of relationship maturity.

There is lots of anxiety before the first munch. Getting used to the unspoken secret everyone at the munch knows discussed in hushed tones takes a little getting used to. A munch, or party is pretty similar to the first experience at any social situation, whether starting a new school, job, or a special interest group. The same social rules that apply to interacting with others in any other setting apply to responsible sex positive behavior. At parties rules are in place for everyones comfort and protection. Just because someone likes to be led around naked with a collar and leash does not mean that you can just walk up and have sex with them, or that they would even want to have sex with you in the first place.

Now lets say our couple takes up up dancing, they sign up to the local dance club and take lessons every Wednesday, then every other Friday go to the local dance club and show off their new moves. They meet a wide variety of people, excellent dancers who teach well, and yes, some who are more enamored with themselves than anyone else.There are going to be the predatory types that chase after the vulnerable, demonstrating a counterfeit wisdom that dispenses self righteous blather in a vain attempt to impress others. This behavior is found everywhere, BDSM is not unique to this.

The times you might see your partner dancing with someone else may cause some insecurity, feelings of doubt, and jealousy. The feelings are natural, but how one might choose to deal with them is the hard part. One can delight in seeing their partner enjoy the dance, allowing the moment to be experienced, and share in the afterglow. Situations that initiate conversation between two persons facilitates a more healthy experiences, whether you might be learning to use a single tail, or doing the waltz.

As a couple you have rules that, once agreed upon, should be honest and flexible. If you are learning to dance, you may have a rule that says no dancing with anyone without the other present. Similar to a rule that may prohibit intercourse, or specific toys. These rules will assist with navigating circumstances that people may happen upon when relationships are developed with people you have just met. Before going into any situation consider what your desires, motivations, and purposes might be. Discussing these with your partner, and giving yourself patience to deal with the unexpected will make for a healthier, happier kink experience.

BDSM, in many ways, is similar to learning a dance, riding horses, or playing golf together. Its just that there is an overt sexual dynamic that happens to be present. Learning that kink is as much about the interaction between two or more people, than it is about the physical act of sex itself, is the hard part.

How a couple or individual explores this dynamic can make for a good or bad experience in BDSM/kink. Remembering to keep it simple, just like learning to dance together, its a new adventure for both of you. Each partner has to have the willingness to stumble, get out of step with each other and try again. The reason you are learning is to have fun discovering, exploring, and enjoying life, however you may live it.

Disability Identity #1

 Posted by on April 27, 2011
Apr 272011
 

By Shanna Katz

This month, Out of the Box is featuring Jey – please note link is to a FetLife profile and is not safe for all works. Jey has many identities, one of which is as a person with disabilities/disabled. Throughout the interview, Jey shares a lot of both the triumphs and tribulations that comes with the PWD identity, as well as how it intersects with other identities in their life.

This interview is about your Person with Disability/being disabled
identity… What are some other identities of yours:

*Queer
*Genderqueer
*Kinkster
*Non-Monogamist
*Vegan
*Academic
*Dog Parent
*Feminist

Define your PWD identity – what does it mean to you, how long have you had this identity, how was the process of getting there?

It means to be being ill, being tired, in pain and restricted. But it also means having a shorthand way of accessing literature and resources which may be supportive in dealing with day to day challenges and the bigger picture.

I haven’t identified as having a disability for a terribly long time. Maybe about eight months. I have been ill for longer, but it has gotten worse since about December.

I think I actually came across the concept that someone with chronic illness could identify as/be
considered disabled in your www.essin-em.com blog. Something kind of clicked and it made sense that I having a disability was a useful way to frame things. This was before the illness had the downward turning point. It made sense to me that getting sick for two or so days every week, or every two weeks, was quite disabling. It’s an odd thing to feel positive about – the realization that you have a disability, but it seemed fitting.

What are some of the positives of having this identity?

As mentioned it’s given me useful language for understanding myself and uncovering resources. I’ve also found some sense of solidarity and empathy in reading forums and disability blogs. It can be incredibly reassuring to read about others’ day-to-day struggles. I guess I feel less alone.

I’ve developed an increased admiration for my grandmother. She has had rheumatoid arthritis for decades. She rarely complains. She’s amazing.

When I first started playing with my boy I was ill. But not as ill have become. I’m sure it’s been a strain on him, but it’s also been somewhat of a test of his care and dedication. He has shown himself to be amazing and supportive. I am so lucky and grateful every day for his presence in my life.

What are some of the struggles that have come along with this identity?

I’ve lately found it terribly frustrating traveling on the train and bus into work. I don’t have to go in every morning, which is very fortunate. I sometimes have to stand on the bus and train. This is a huge downside to having an invisible disability. I am exhausted by the time I get out the door. I have to walk my dog in the morning, shower and get my stuff together. I like to sleep on the train if I have a seat. I will often sit on the floor. If I have to stand, I’m incredibly exhausted by the time I get to work.

I’m an introvert so socializing is hard for me anyway. Add anxiety, fatigue and sometimes pain. I don’t get out much at all. If something’s in the evening I have to walk my dog first, shower, get ready then head out. This is terribly draining. Showering always zaps all my energy. Then the socializing is exhausting. It’s incredibly important that I don’t isolate myself too much – that has a negative effect on my depression and anxiety. But getting out and about is really, really hard.

I have very little energy. This means I have little energy for sex. This makes me sad for me and my boy. He’s been amazing. I am truly blessed.

How does this identity fit or not fit with your other identities?

I struggle participating in kink activities. I have not given my boy a good flogging or spanking in months.

This saddens me because I enjoy doing that. I just don’t have the energy or strength. I feel I read and think about kink more than I do it. I get frustrated and down. I try to do other activities that require less energy, but I still feel like I’m letting my boy and myself down. On the flipside, masochistic play helps hugely with my pain and anxiety. Thus, in these ways having a disability both clashes and converges with being a kinkster.

The difficulty socializing issue also applies to attending kink and queer events.

Full time employed academics work incredibly hard. They teach and work on research projects, articles, grant applications. I feel like I could never work full time. I comfortably manage about 20 to 25 hours of work a week. I question if I can still call myself an academic while working casual research projects and very occasionally thinking about or working on my own research.

I have fears about my ability to continue to be a good dog parent. My dog hasn’t missed out on much exercise and always comes first, but I worry I won’t be able to walk him twice a day and give him the care he needs if I deteriorate.

How do you feel this identity is received in the sexuality and/or sex positive communities?

I haven’t received any negative attitude, but I don’t think there is a huge awareness of disability in the local kink community. Most events are at nights. This makes things difficult for me. When I attend events, I often notice locations aren’t wheelchair friendly. Often there is a cap on attendance. Due to my varying levels of fatigue and pain, I can never confirm that I am attending anything until the day. This often rules me out if the cap has been met. I could always put down that I am attending, and not show, but I loathe disappointing people. I would definitely like to see more discussion about disability in the
local kink community.

However, I did have a positive experience recently. Coming up to the annual records night for our region, I’d expressed interest in participating in a record that was on the fairly extreme edge of play and something I’d never done before. I explained to the people that were conducting the activity that I might not make it on the night due to illness and if I do make it, I might not be able to participate. They were understanding. Just before the activity I was presented with a question sheet and I needed to disclose if I had any of the conditions listed on the sheet. I told the people what I had. They nodded and understood, but this did not exclude me from participating. The day after the activity one of the people who were administering it wrote a beautiful post acknowledging all those who participated. When mentioning me she acknowledged my struggles and uncertainties and commended me for taking part. I really appreciated this.

I’m not involved in queer activism and organizing very often, but student organized events are usually a bit more mindful. They might try to arrange sign language interpreters or ensure there is disability access at an event. I find the university environment fosters a greater awareness of diversity.

What else do you want people to know about this identity?

Don’t assume that just because someone looks young and fit that they are well. I’m tall and have a reasonable build. I’m 27. Cash-register attendants often pack my shopping bags as they would for a fit-looking 27 year-old. This means they are a struggle for me to carry. I think assumption is the main point here. Invisible disability means that people could be struggling.

I can’t speak for others but I do enjoy socializing, in small doses. But it’s hard for me to get out. I do appreciate people willing to come and visit me. If you know someone who is ill or has difficulty getting around the place, ask if they would like a visitor – even for an hour. It could make a world of difference.

How Do They Do It?

 Posted by on April 26, 2011
Apr 262011
 

By Micah Schneider

Two weeks ago, my family welcomed the newest member of our family. He’s a beautiful little boy, and we’re happy beyond belief. But I can’t keep shaking the same thought, every single day. I look at my son, and shake my head.

I don’t know how they do it.

Monogamous parents, I mean. To be really specific, monogamous parents of newborn children.
There is so much bloody work to do! Feeding and diapers and changing and feeding and cuddling and bathing and more changing and laundry and more diapers and more comforting and yet more feeding and none of that takes “regular” life into account. Where do they fit in cooking their own food, their own laundry, their own sleep, for Gods’ sake?

Babies are hard work, everyone knows that. Even if you are blessed like we are, and have a pretty happy and very healthy child, there’s so much to do. Our little bundle of joy is quite a handful. He doesn’t like not being held, and let’s us know it if he’s put down for more than a couple of microseconds, but overall, he’s a really good baby. Doesn’t cry unless something is wrong; generally he’s hungry, cold, dirty or some combination thereof. He eats every few hours, needs new diapers or clothes slightly less often, and frequently needs help relaxing into sleep.

Nothing unusual for a two-week-old newborn, and I’m not complaining about any of it.
But I simply cannot imagine doing it with only two people, or worse, alone as a single parent!

Because there are four of us, we’ve been able to trade off housework and sleep and baby duty, so none of us are wandering around looking like overwhelmed, exhausted zombie parents. Every third night, someone has baby duty, staying up with the infant so mommy can sleep (“mommy” here referring to the biological mom, who is the only one of us that can feed the little guy at the moment, since we’re exclusively breastfeeding and she cannot pump yet). We’ve all been working together to keep all of the balls in the air. We’re eating regular meals, the house isn’t a total disaster, we’re not running out of clothing, errands are getting done. Mom is the most tired of us, but she’s got a good excuse. Giving birth is hard, and nursing is literally a drain on your body. Couple that with only being able to sleep, at most, three to four hours at a stretch, maybe twice a day, and cat naps in between, makes for a tired woman.

There are a lot of advantages to being in a poly relationship. There are lots of advantages to living in a polyamorous household. We suspected that having multiple adults around to care for an infant would be great, but I don’t think we had any idea just how great. Unlike the rest of my family, I can speak from direct experience. My ex-wife and I had two children, and when they were babies, we raised them without additional partners, pretty far from our biological families.

It was hard to juggle everything. We did pretty well, I thought, but it was a struggle.

It is so much easier to do it this way. If someone is tired, we have backups. If something unexpectedly comes up, we have options. If someone can’t do something they said they would, someone else can step up and make it happen.

Real life is about to intrude. This week, one member of our household (the primary breadwinner) went back to work. Next week, another one does as well. In a month’s time, mom will have to pick up her job again (she works for herself from home, which is good, but her business cannot wait forever). Of all of us, I have the most flexibility. I’m about to finish grad school, and in this economy, it might take a while for me to find work. In the mean time, I get to play Mr. Mom. I have no doubt that taking care of our son is going to get a little more difficult for us as we are forced to go back to our regular lives. But even so, I feel sorry for all of the people in this world trying to take care of an infant with two or fewer sets of hands.

It is often said that polyamory isn’t about sex; polyamory is about love. Maybe the general public would be more interested or sympathetic to our lifestyle if we added to the second part:

Polyamory is about love and family.

Love Grows the Brain

 Posted by on April 25, 2011
Apr 252011
 

By T.M. Bernard

The study of sexuality really is the domain of slightly nerdy types who love science, neurobiology and consciousness especially. And while we still have much to learn about how our brains operate and respond when in love, experiencing pleasure, or having sex, for example, researchers have discovered something quite remarkable. Making love regenerates the brain.

This is important to know because just a few decades ago, modern science didn’t believe we could do this. Plasticity – a term used to describe the brains ability to grow, adapt and regenerate – was thought to diminish over time. Young brains are more nimble and better equipped to handle brain traumas in particular, or so the prevailing theory went, because they are still growing. After a certain point (age), the brain’s ‘plasticity’ hardens up.

Now we know that it isn’t such a cut and dry scenario, and our ever-evolving understanding of our brains on sex gives us another wonderful reason to knanoodle under the covers beyond the obvious. Hong Kong researchers – those folks are having too much fun! – found critical areas of the brain benefit from exercise and sexual behaviors.

The central nervous system cell regeneration, more formally known as ‘neurogenesis,’ is described as a, ‘spectacular event,’ that can be used to determine how medicine treats certain diseases and or understanding of aging, sexual behaviors and psychological health, suggested one of the lead authors.

One area getting attention is known as the hippocampus, a brain structure that is involved in memory and emotional regulation. How the hippocampus actually works is still a mystery, but stress, depression, and post-traumatic brain injury can shrink it. This latest discover shows how exercise, reproduction and sexual activities increase the plasticity of the hippocampus.

Of course there’s still a lot we don’t yet know about the brain-mind-body-stress-sex junction; but the implication of regenerating the brain is bigger than just understanding how our brains work.

”The potential importance of neurogenesis in sexual behavior, sexual cues and reproductive function has provided new insights,” explained one scientist involved in the research. ”These insights might provide a better understanding of sexual dysfunction, sexual disorders and normal sexual functioning.”

In other words, if sex can help the brain regenerating, what can we determine about our sexuality by the structure, function and activity of our brain? What role does sexuality play in our mental and emotional wellbeing that’s modulated by the brain? And what about sex and consciousness? There’s a possible aspect of mindfulness in research that shows how making love can serve functions for humanity beyond procreation or physical pleasure. It’s the stuff that excites science geeks and lovers alike, who would welcome a future that includes more physical love and less stress. Imagine these doctor’s orders: Make Love 3x a week, see me in a month. That’s a prescription for health, if we’ve ever read one.

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