Emotional Collateral Damage

 Posted by on January 14, 2013
Jan 142013
 

istock_000016745808medium-500x333-300x199-1118813To fully understand how we connect within relationships, we have to realize that we are energy beings that reside within a human vehicle.  When we go through life holding on to pain we have experienced in past relationships, we begin to create a build up of resentment that blocks our natural flow of energy.  Some people release this built up energy of resentment they have for ex-partners by projecting it onto new potential partners.  Some of the most common ways that people punish their potential partners for past experiences is by not trusting, comparing them to others, falsely accusing and assuming.

Not being able to trust other people is directly linked to not being able to trust yourself or your intuition.  Once you begin to clear out the blockages of the past, you begin to get a better feel for people because your heart is more open.  Whenever you have trust issues, you end up being trapped in your mind.  When this happens you deny the feelings of the heart that properly guide you.  The negative scenarios from the past play over and over in your mind, and you expect them to surface again through the new people in your life.  As a defensive mechanism, you punish them for your pain because you figure if you hurt them just enough to keep a slight distance, they will never get a chance to hurt you deeply.

When you compare your current partner to others, you make them feel less than.  I have even been guilty of this, and I realize now how unbalanced of me it was to express my pain by doing so in the past.  We should always allow our partners to be exactly who they are without pressuring them to be who they are not.  What that being said, once you create a comfortable space for them to be their authentic self, it is then up to you to recognize if you are compatible with who they really are or not.  It is very healthy for partners to influence each other’s growth and healing, but it is a process that needs to have a natural flow for it to work properly.

Falsely accusing and assuming can also be linked to not trusting yourself or others.  In most cases, those who accuse and assume are also doing exactly what they are accusing the next person of doing and being paranoid is a reflection of their guilt surfacing.  Accusing and assuming are based on negative mental images that dominate your thought process.  Tuning into your intuition and getting a feel for a situation is different because this recognition is outside of your mind and based on the perception of your essence.  When you learn how to let your heart be the captain of your ship, the distractions of your mental hang ups will not be as influential for the decisions you make when it comes to connecting with people.

And last but not least another common way that people punish others is by using people as rebounds when a relationship ends.  The damage of this action is so deep beneath the surface that most people don’t even realize that damage is being done.  When you have sex with someone as a way to get your ex-partner off of your mind, you are literally energetically using that person as an emotional punching bag.  You are not present and connecting with them in that moment.  It is as if you are using them and ignoring them at the same time.  They will notice this disconnect, if not consciously, subconsciously.  When the both of you merge this close on a physical and energetic level, you inject your pain directly into their energetic aura.  This negatively affects the vibration of the person you choose to use as a distraction for your unresolved pain.

We can choose not to punish others for our painful experiences of the past.  It is up to us to be more responsible with our emotions.  By doing so we will begin to experience relationships that catapult us to levels of companionship and bliss that are unfathomable.

 

 

Selfless Art

 Posted by on January 12, 2013
Jan 122013
 

istock_000015168503small-300x199-8589541Knitting is as useful as a reminder that humbleness is as important as skill.

Last fall I decided to go on a meditation retreat.  I have some anxiety, and I have knit to calm my nerves, and took my knitting with me.  This seemed like a simple idea, I would have something to go do quietly, it wouldn’t draw attention to my quirks, and since I was starting on a really big project I thought it would be something productive I could for Sir while I was traveling.

My projects are both “assigned” to me and things that I am able to ask to do.  In most cases, though, my knitting is an assignment.

I was working on an afghan square when all the sudden one of the mediators started talking to me about why I was knitting.  I wasn’t aware that knitting would be such a hot topic although I do have to admit the plan has backfired on me more than once and I suddenly start picking up friends on the bus who also knit, who want to know what I’m knitting, and then continuously  interrupt my knitting- almost like the drunken monkeys in my head.  It certainly was a hot topic during introductions at my retreat. In fact a few knitting books focused on meditation and knitting were recommended.  Patterns and all there are groups of knitters who use it as meditation.

It was surprising how much attention I received from my knitting.  Normally Sir knows that I am knitting but it is “background noise” and is expected.  Not something I look to him as a cheerleader for.

At the time I thought my afghan project would be done in a month.  However life got in the way, things got moved around, I had a lot on my plate, and at the end of the day it did take me longer to do.  In fact I started motivating myself with discipline to do it.  Not because I was going to give up- believe me after knitting something for 3 months you really do want to see it out till the end-but because it seemed so tedious and a bigger project than I assumed it was that my interest begin dwindling and such as having a hard time finding my cushion I began having a hard time finding my needles.

But really any artistic craft is meditative.  Its releasing to paint, write poetry, rigger someone, be a rope bunny, let a “mean” sadist dude decorate your ass with bruises and welts, or work on a craft like knitting or crocheting that might take a while. It’s really what you give, selflessly, which is the main reason to look at it as a service.

For me… watching the stitches come together, watching something grow and on occasion get to wear it myself is somewhat of a treat and something that I am humbled by when I do receive permission. As I write this, near the Christmas holidays, this reminds me that it is the time of the year to also give and not just receive.  When something is handmade there is some form of feeling that goes into it.  As knitting is a part of what I do to keep calm, and stay away from anxiety, some of my knitting represents my creativity, other squares represent happiness, some represent frustration, and some even represent a struggle to stay afloat in my present world.

There is a saying in meditation: not to tight, not to loose.  It means that if you are round-up too tightly with meditation you will block out thoughts but if you are not disciplined at all then you will not really get the full effect out of meditation.  For knitting… if you hold your yarn too tightly it’s almost impossible to knit the next row… but if you hold it too loosely you get holes in your knitting that shouldn’t be there…

Tend to a project, spiritual or personal, like tending to submission or a plant.  You plant the seed, you water it, there is work involved, and then you start watching it grow. The more you care for it the better of the plant it will become rather than just some brown dead leaves sitting on a window sill.

In my case there is a moment of humbleness when I give away a knitted project.  I must admit I did get attached to the afghan despite my better judgment and reminding myself that in all actuality one of the key ideas about Buddhism is not to get attached to anything.  I am fortunate my attachment was not a strong feeling but the sense of humbleness of giving away something that I worked on, and has been a focus for weeks on end, is a reminder that slaves and submissives are still human and these things we do form their own spiritual artistic form.

 

A Rub of the Tummy

 Posted by on January 10, 2013
Jan 102013
 
p7270047-300x225-3251839My former housemate in San Francisco has a Cairn Terrier, similar to Toto in The Wizard of Oz. Her name is Bella Rose — Rosie for short. She’s a great dog and I still occasionally care for her when her owner goes on vacation. We joke that I’m the absent step-dad. One of Rosie’s favorite activities is to receive a good rub of her tummy, and really, what dog doesn’t love that?  The abandon to which she rolls over and exposes her belly, and to so eagerly display such a vulnerable spot for the express purpose of being touched is something many animals do instinctively.

Just about anywhere on Rosie’s blond fur is a spot that she loves to be touched — tummy, lower back, behind her ears, under her chin, and who can blame her? Furthermore, she has nary a hesitance to use her body to ask for the touch she wants. You’ve probably seen it in all kinds of animal behavior, but domesticated animals sure have figured out how to get their affection out of us. She’ll walk right up into my personal space to coax me into giving her attention.

 

I can guess that most of us have similar stories about how innocently willing our pets receive and give physical attention. Yet, the sexologist in me can’t avoid contrasting how we treat these bundles of affection and how differently we treat our own bodies’ need for touch. “Need” I say that the difference is stark?

 

We now have nearly a century of research showing that our bodies need touch on a regular basis simply to survive! Yet, our society is way beyond touch deprived. What excuse do we really have to avoid the deep longing of being known by touch and the healthy, life-giving experience of skin stimulation? Do we dare give ourselves or our loved ones the kind of rigorous petting that the cute and cuddly animal in all of us longs for and deserves?

 

For those of you who only have your own two hands to stimulate your needy skin, there are ways to create pleasurable touch with brushes, feathers, vibrators, and anything really (not just for your genitals and orifices). Have you tried those circular wire framed tools on a handle that can sit around the crown of your head like a dozen tiny little fingers massaging your scalp (I’ve seen them called “the Tingler”)? I’m doing it right now (eyes rolling back into my head…). All of these things can give you a kind of touch that energizes and keeps your skin responsive.

 

Furthermore, what would be so outrageously “out of line” about asking a good friend to, instead of going to the umpteenth movie, you give each other mutual, non-sexual massage for an evening? If this possibility made you uncomfortable (it makes even me a little uncomfortable) – it just goes to show how far we have distanced ourselves from our basic, innocent need for touch.

 

To those in relationship who have lost the drive to connect physically, you are depriving each other of a true basic need. The simple act of unconditional touch can be greatly healing to the body, mind, soul and even the relationship. Yet, partners can get so comfortable with each other that it doesn’t occur to touch anymore. It’s hard to get out of that rut, but definitely not impossible. Beliefs about rejection, vulnerability, competition and dependency can keep partners isolated.
So as we head into another year, maybe this could be part of a New Year’s Resolution. Why not go to a loved one right now. Tell him/her you want to try an experiment, and then gently, lovingly give a good tummy rub lightly on the surface of the skin, just like you would a beloved pet. Do it until this person relaxes and then have a casual chat about giving and receiving more touch. If it’s good enough for Rover, Bongo, Lassie and Rosie, it’s good enough for all of us!

Freedom of Fashion

 Posted by on January 8, 2013
Jan 082013
 

istock_000007927807small-300x199-8989548In a previous article, I touched on how our culture tells us that fashion is a female thing and while men can still be interested in it, it’s almost always coming from a female perspective (i.e. women’s fashions). There’s really a lot more to be said on this subject, especially when it comes to how gender identity is reflected in fashion. How we dress says a lot to society about how we identify and perceive ourselves and in turn how society then perceives us.

Think about a popular department store; it will have men’s and women’s clothing in completely separate locations, designating what each gender is supposed to wear. And of course the clothing is completely different….in some ways.

Did you know that this season menswear for women is a popular trend? It’s been seen on runways, celebrities and in popular fashion magazines around the country. It truly is remarkable, since until the 1970’s women were not allowed to wear pants to work! But now, women wearing pants is the norm and those that embody a more masculine look aren’t given a second glance.
But do you really think you’d ever see women’s wear, such as skirts and dresses, as a popular trend for men? Do you think you’d see male model’s donning short skirts and high heels in a fashion spread? Even the idea, to us, sounds ludicrous. Why would men be wearing skirts? If anything, it would be seen as degrading to men! Dressing as women is degrading to men. Looking like a woman is degrading. Women are seen as less valuable. Being a woman is not something that is desirable. But being a man, is.

We see women being able to cross gender lines and really have the freedom to wear and look like whatever they please. They can rock some casual sweatpants or faded jeans, they can wear fancy cocktail dresses or flouncy skirts. They can even wear a pantsuit. A woman dressing masculine is not given any thought. It’s a normal thing to do.

Men are not given this same freedom. They can’t wear skirts or dresses and be taken seriously. They are restricted to wearing some type or pant and plain shirt. You never see men wearing crazy patterns or interesting cuts. All the clothing is very blasé, very boring. I think this too is a key reason why men’s fashion isn’t really popular or talked about. It’s the same year after year. But women can play with different looks! They can explore and experiment. They have the freedom of self-expression and fun!

This notion is sexist as well as oppressive. It ultimately is sexist towards women because it puts women below men, as the feminine in fashion is perfectly acceptable for women but very taboo for men. The opposite isn’t true, women can wear men’s clothes. So, it really comes down to our preference for masculine over feminine.

But, this also enforces gender roles, which is more oppressive towards men. Since men are supposed to act “manly” and be tough, strong and dominant. This restricts men’s fashion choices, since they can only wear clothes our society deems to be masculine, making fashion an oppressive force as it limits what men can wear. When we do this, we reinforce gender roles and stereotypes as men are perceived to be one way and women another.

All in all, this is really unfair and I think everyone should be able to wear whatever they please! We should stop segregating clothing into men’s and women’s departments and just have a clothing free-for-all. Think about it; if everyone could wear whatever kind of clothing they wanted without society labeling it as feminine or masculine, don’t you think we would see a greater expression of gender and a greater amount of freedom? At least some of the chains would come off and in a lot of ways, at least in fashion, we’d be freed.

 

Searching for God at Christmas

 Posted by on January 6, 2013
Jan 062013
 

istock_000017826137small-800x556-300x208-4065525Every year I tell myself the same thing: I’m not going to get caught up in the hectic schedule of visiting every single person in my extended family, or buying presents for a long list of people and all the other things that come with the Christmas holiday season. And every single year the exact opposite happens. I end up so stressed and spread thin that I get sick. Jesus may be the reason for the season, but when I have to drive nine hours through snow when I still have five presents to buy and packages to ship and services to attend, I’m not thinking about His joyous birth. I’m usually cursing bad drivers and wishing I had three clones of myself to get all the Christmas stuff done.

Then the shooting at Sandy Hook happened.

The tragedy made me stop and take stock. I hugged my daughter tight as I watched details of the shooting spill across the news. The innocent children that were lost, the adults who died trying to protect them; I have no words to adequately describe the scope of that horror. Unlike many of my fellow Americans, however, I was reluctant to turn to the Church for answers. If anyone offered me the logic that the children were now clasped to God’s bosom as some sort of solace, I thought I’d scream. I’m a mother. I want my child here in this world where I can do what I can to protect her and watch her grow up healthy and happy. I was reminded of that scene in Steel Magnolias when Sally Field’s character breaks down after her daughter’s funeral and yells about being angry with God and how she can’t understand why her daughter had to die. I think that’s how I would react too.

Despite my ambivalence, I ended up at my mama’s church the Sunday before Christmas. Lo and behold, the pastor’s sermon was about the very thing I was struggling with—finding the spirit of God during the Christmas season. She talked about Sandy Hook too. She said (and this is clumsy paraphrasing on my part) that despite the stresses of the season that find us and the tragedy of the shooting, God is always present. We need to listen with our hearts and seek the connection. She never once said it was easy, and she didn’t advise us to concentrate on the rewards of heaven. She talked about the here and now. How God was present to give the teachers strength to protect those children, and how He was even there for Adam Lanza even though the shooter wouldn’t listen.

The pastor’s message made me think more about the action of finding God. It requires taking action even though that may not be a physical one. Like meditating or praying—these things require space in our life, like making space for God in the hustle and bustle of celebrating or in the face of sorrow. This year I did something differently at Christmas. I took time to appreciate the family I visited instead of viewing it as an obligation and worrying over the conflicts that exist between us. I watched my daughter play, admiring her spirit and intelligence. I marveled at the goodness in people and told my three partners how much they meant to me. I found God every time I said, “I love you.”

“Excuse Me Can You Fuck Me Like This Please?”

 Posted by on January 4, 2013
Jan 042013
 

istock_000010040222medium-300x199-5095433My day job consists of me writing for an instructional porn company for men.

Yeah, I know.

Of the numerous emails we get from men asking how to be the man that all women want and all men envy, we get a few from the women who have discovered their men buying instructional sex videos.

Most of them read as follows:

“OH MY GOD!  Thank you SO MUCH for fixing my sex life!  I was secretly praying to GOD that my husband would do something already.  We hadn’t had sex in forever and every time we did it was so boring.  I was pretty much ready to cheat.  THANK YOU FOR TEACHING HIM HOW TO BLOW MY MIND!”

What strikes me most about these emails is the fact that almost 100% of the time, these now-getting-lucky ladies are always thanking us because they were “secretly hoping” their men would just “fix it,” as though communication couldn’t do the trick.

Why can’t you ladies just tell your husbands what you want in bed?

The thought had already been plaguing me as of late, when a recent conversation with a girlfriend of mine echoed the same air of “I shouldn’t have to tell him, he should just know!”

She had been sleeping with this guy for a couple weeks now and had no idea how to tell him that the sex was bad and he wasn’t making her cum.  Instead, she just started faking it.  At first she thought simple pouting and “I didn’t go yet…”s would suffice…however these somehow did not do the trick.

Hmm, go figure.

This apparently seems to be the go-to move for most women: hoping that he’ll just take a hint.

BUT WHY, LADIES?!

The funny thing about the emails we get from men is the fact that they all “get a sense” that their women are unsatisfied, but they just can’t seem to get it out of her.  They all write to us in a state of emergency, convinced that their wives are cheating and DESPERATE to find out what it takes to make them the ONE AND ONLY MAN who can please her in ways she’s never had and never will.  And yet, I don’t hear any of my girlfriends desperate to know what it takes to be the ultimate fuck for their fellas…just desperate for the boys to do something to fix it all.

I can personally attest to the fact that speaking up for myself in regards to my sexual wants and needs has never been easy…in a relationship at least.  In my single life though, however, I’d had no reserves or hesitations in discussing exactly how I want things in bed.  The way I see it, I have no trouble telling a man that I know damn well I’m never gonna sleep with again that he can definitely afford to last longer.

But I’d never had the audacity to say that to a boyfriend.

What is it about exposing our sexual needs and wants that makes it so unbearably difficult to do (so much so that most women I know are either faking it, cheating, or completely leaving the guy all together in order to get the latter met in their lives)?

In researching this phenomenon, I came across a Forbes Magazine article entitled, “Nice Girls Still Don’t Ask For What They Want! Why Women Fall Short At The Negotiating Table.”  In this article, they discussed how women are less inclined to negotiate for higher salaries and are more likely to settle with a lesser pay than what they knowingly deserve.  According to several studies regarding the latter, women fall short of men in the negotiating realm for two reasons: 1) Women are socialized to place the needs of others first and 2) women believe that they will eventually be recognized and rewarded for their hard work.

Apparently men are primped and primed to compete with one another while women are socialized to sit back, relax, and let the men take care of all that “being the best” type of bullshit.

Hence, no such requests from women in bed to “fuck me like this, please.”

My therapist once said to me, “You think men sit back and think that they shouldn’t speak up for themselves at the work place?  That they shouldn’t do everything they can to get to the top of the corporate ladder?”

I then almost instantly pictured a group of men sitting around drinking margaritas and complaining about how their girl just didn’t make them cum the other night and how they had to fake it.

It’s an almost impossible scene to imagine.

So then what is it, Ladies?

What do we really have to lose in telling him that we want him to pound us harder, to spend more time circling our love buttons with his tongue, or that we didn’t cum yet (or at all)?

Power to you men out there who are determined and dedicated to fixing your sex lives, dammit!

The way I see it, the solution is quite simple for a problem that seems to be more catastrophized than it needs to be: Figure out what you want…AND TELL HIM.

No, don’t wear a shit ton of sexy lingerie and prance around praying, hoping, and wishing he’d get hard enough to attack you in it.  And don’t just settle for rubbing him suggestively under the sheets and hoping he’ll get the point and take over from there.

Tell him flat out.

As far as I’m concerned, the only thing you really have to lose is stress over hoping things will get better.

Clear Dharma, Queer Dharma, Kink Dharma?

 Posted by on January 1, 2013
Jan 012013
 

istock_000021357560small-800x5321-300x199-3739469In Buddhism there is this concept of Dharma which is the law of nature and of suffering.  I was at a meditation retreat this past fall about confidence and compassion when one of the teachers of the group made a joke that we weren’t just talking about clear dharma that weekend we were also talking about queer dharma.  It was a mixed group of people at the retreat, there were a few younger retreat goers including me, but for the most part the retreat goers were older meditators who had been in an inner-conflict for years.  Mind you, I realize that my generation is different from past generations about the GLBT issue for a big part of it.  Yes in some places in the United States staying in the closet is safer/easier still, and I can understand why, but for the most part we are a lot more open and accepting of the fact that some boys like boys and some girls like girls and it’s not something that we are “afraid” of discussing or whispering about it behind closed doors.

To be honest I just started mentioning that I am part of the GLBT community on my Facebook page.  I have a very conservative family on my dad’s side and the “GLBT issue” has been kept hush-hush on that side of my family.

One discussion during the weekend made me think, “is there room for me?” I was discussing, with a retreat attendee, what I did for work.  Normally I mention that I blog, I don’t always go into what I blog about unless I have an inkling it will be okay, but I did mention that I wrote a sex-positive blog.  The reaction… which was not something I was expecting… was questioning what I wrote about and why I would write something about that.

I quietly walked away from breakfast, really avoiding the person till I left, trying to understand why I might have gotten that reaction…

Why is it that one community, GLBT, is okay but talking about the kink community we must not understand Dharma or that we don’t really subscribe to the Buddhist ways.  In fact I have had friends ask me if I feel like I’m writing an oxymoronic blog about Buddhism and Kink.  My friends… those two things don’t go together.

We don’t bring on our own foggy Dharma by participating in kink.  I don’t think that anyone really goes out with the idea that we want to make our partners, Dominants or submissives, to suffer a scene or D/s relationship.  Definition of suffering is to have something, which is non-consensual discomfort, which creates feelings that one needs to work through.   This forms through mental, physical, or emotional states.  Yet we always use the word “pain” which does not coexist with suffering.  In fact, in the medical field, Doctors and nurses try to take away the pain for patients so they can focus on working through their own suffering.  Non-consensual suffering has never been welcomed in the community, actually it is downright avoided unless that really is something you’ve negotiated with your partner, so what does our Dharma exist of?

Hint: It’s not in the bedroom.

It’s in mainstream- it’s the suffering we have trying to fit in – it’s the suffering that represents the underground clubs we needed in the 80’s and early 90’s to be able to find our passions in the kink community.  We have suffered, we’ve suffered a lot, and despite great lengths in trying to be accepted it’s still necessary that we have organizations working for our rights as individuals simply because we want to hold a flogger during sex.  As much as some of us don’t want to admit it, even Fifty Shades of Gray is something that has gotten people talking and considering if this type of sex is not really “uncommon” it’s more uncovered, and that’s something that we both want to fend off and try to encourage.  Must we look at that as foggy Dharma or can we look it at as clear Dharma?

You don’t need to be a saint, vanilla, or a Buddhist monk to practice Buddhism.  There is no rule that because someone is a practitioner that there is no feeling of equality in the relationship.  Even in the most unequal relationships to find balance there is a Dominant and then a submissive, or a Master and a slave, or and Owner and property.  All these roles have significant differences, even different job descriptions, but at the same time there is peace and calm within these roles.  A rule is that everyone, and everything, deserves respect.  When we walk into a munch, or a workshop, we do not have a rule that submissives and slaves have to sit in the back of the room while Dominants sit up front.  The importance is that, in general, we know how to treat each other with respect.

At some point, I hope, it comes to a point where there isn’t separation of Dharma. Till then I’m still wondering if there was actually a seat for me at the GLBT meditation retreat -with my own black, white, and red dharma.

 

Planning a Kinky Dinner Party II

 Posted by on December 30, 2012
Dec 302012
 

istock_000009031024small-300x199-8176796While the holidays may be drawing to a close, the reasons to throw a dinner party are endless. Moving away from elves and holly, we can draw on darker tones. In my last article I described ways to begin planning a dinner party with a more adult theme. Today I am expanding on that idea!

Now that you have spent time considering a theme for your kinky dinner party, it is time to plan the actual dinner and entertainment for the night. The food itself does not have to comply fully with the theme though it is nice to tie in some element. Let’s say that your theme revolves around rope. An easy and elegant way to tie in that theme would be to wrap ribbons made of carrot around bunches of grilled asparagus. While the effect is not overtly present, it is a small nod toward the theme. Another example would be a small length of twine knotted around the silverware instead of napkin rings. Let yourself get creative with the menu!

Any good host or hostess knows the key to a good party is good conversation. Offering alcohol is one option, but playing the good host should include ways to get your guests chatting about more than just drinks. Icebreakers can be the perfect way to get conversation rolling. I know the word “icebreakers” alone can make some individuals cringe. The thought of “employee bonding” sessions has sullied the name of icebreakers. It can be difficult to get a room full of people to play a board game, or even settle on the same topic for conversation. Icebreakers force a sort of flow to the conversation and can be excellent for smaller gatherings.

Most icebreakers you will find tend to be rather vanilla and don’t add to the atmosphere at a kinky gathering. And the other half of them rely too much on “shocking” sexual questions. The key to keeping the night more elegant and building tension is to focus more on questions that make the individual think, with only a touch of sexual energy on the side. One of my favorite questions is “What was the last thing you did, for the first time?” The question is a tricky because we tend to focus on the words “first time” and revert to tales of lost virginity and high school romance. But the question can be as vanilla as any other question. Using an icebreaker like this can get individuals to talk about a range of experiences and gives good fuel for conversation.

If you take away anything from my tips on throwing an elegant and kinky dinner party it is that the number one key to success is imagination. Take time to really plan out your event and steer it in the direction that you want. While strange to imply, having some structure can create some of the best party experiences. Feel free to share some of your party successes in the comments, I love gathering new ideas for ways to wow my guests!

Janus

 Posted by on December 28, 2012
Dec 282012
 

istock_000005225762small-300x199-5748556The ancient Romans loved their gods, and they had many.  Modern society could probably use a few more gods to grant us perspective and the occasional favor.  Regardless of how much any person believed in the divine existence of the dozens of deities, they still served a purpose.  The polytheistic world gave people a focus (a god) for a specific need. Each ruled a group of related ideas and could be called upon when that part of life was causing trouble.

Janus is the god of doorways and transitions.  You may be familiar with him as the two faced god, though not the kind of two faced that brings about thoughts of catfights and conflict.  One of Janus’ faces looked into the future, the other into the past.  He was the god of transitions, change, and doorways.  The Romans also loved naming things after their gods, and so the month of January is named for Janus.  In honor of his role, it is a good time to think about broadening perspectives as we move from the darkest time of the year towards the returning light.

When the hormonal switch turns on sometime in our pubescent years, it does so unannounced.  The magic book of instructions has yet to appear for anyone.  Hormones surge, emotions flare and die and shift. We are left in the dark with a flood of new influences and stimuli.  Drama almost always ensues.  If we are lucky, we wrangle the beast, tame it, and redirect it.   We start exploring things that we want, things that turn us on, that intrigue us and we just can’t live without.  We redefine ourselves, discover our passions, and figure out who we are in the grown-up world of hotness.  The search for hotness leads to BDSM.  Huzzah, you’ve identified yourself!

You have identified a need in yourself

You have sought out stimulation of this kind

You have experienced feedback good and bad

So it is all about you

It is all about you, not them.

They can’t feel these feelings

They can’t see what this means

Because your time is limited

Because there are so many out there

Because we all want people like us

Because you want to pick the right one

Therefore, know thyself

Express thyself

Analyze thyself

Know thyself even better

Then choose wisely.

One day we grow brave and move beyond the dreams and wonder.  Enter then the world of kink in flesh and blood.  Attending events reveals there are people everywhere.  They are tall and short and old and young.  Some of them do things that are terrifying and wonderful and mysterious.  They have friends, all kinky, who throw parties and bullwhips, and do nothing but play.  Some flirt and some don’t.  Some are pushy and sneaky and give a weird vibe.  Others are warm and open and seeking, and curious.  There’s hotness you want to play with, maybe sleep with, maybe wake up with.  The hotness is new, inexperienced, eager, excited, and vulnerable, like you.

They need something different

They sought out the people

They found whips, chains and play

It was all about them, their passion, their time

Others can’t understand

They can’t feel these feelings

They can’t see what this means

Because all time is limited

Because there are so many out there

Because we all want people like us

Because we all want to pick the right one

The hotness is just like you, and me

It’s not all about them

It’s not all about you

It’s the spaces in-between.  Where like meets like, and compromise and agreement must be forged.  In the end we must meet in the middle.  Past meets present, blends to the future, and all with or without us.  Success depends on an active effort to look backward and forward as well as inward and outward, all at once.  Like the god Janus, we must be ever aware of where we came from, how we began, and why we are here.  At the same moment, each of us must also see forward, to the target of our interests, to their footsteps that lead them this far, their needs, desires and fears.  Never forget that it is all about you, and all about them, and all at the same time.  Perspective is the gift of Janus.  Happy New Year!

 

How’d I get this Way?

 Posted by on December 26, 2012
Dec 262012
 

istock_000007042359small1-300x146-6450496Kinky folks, myself included, are often completely obsessed with genesis.  I don’t mean the one in the Christian bible, but rather their own genesis, “how they came to be the kinky person they are”.  A good friend of mine, the sex therapist Dr. Gloria Brame, says that it’s incredibly common for kinksters to carry around the idea that there was this One-Pivotal-Experience-Which-Made-Them-This-Way™.  Clinically speaking, that’s just not so.  That’s a terribly unsatisfying truth.  But Lao-tzu’s perspective on the matter may make you feel a bit better.

21. The Empty Heart

 

The greatest power is the gift

of following the Way alone.

How the Way does things

is hard to grasp, elusive.

Elusive, yes, hard to grasp,

yet there are thoughts in it.

Hard to grasp, yes, elusive,

yet there are things in it.

Hard to make out, yes, and obscure,

yet there is spirit in it,

veritable spirit.

There is certainty in it.

From long, long ago till now

 it has kept its name.

 So it saw the beginning of everything.

 How do I know anything about the beginning?

 

 By this.

We are connected to a greater truth.  This moment, the one we are in right now, is the ultimate purpose of the universe. Think back to just a few moments ago, when you began reading this column.  Then think back to the hour before that, and then back to this morning when you woke. There’s a chain of events between then and now.  Each of those moments brought you here, to this one.

Does this mean that waking up caused you to read this column?  No, it doesn’t, at least not directly.  But it did lead you here.  The causality of it doesn’t really matter.

Tao is the Chinese word for “way”.  Being kinky is a tao.  So is the way you’re reading this column, or the way you woke up this morning.  But none of them are the Tao, the big one.  That one, which we cannot speak of or observe directly, contains all others.  Just as all rivers ultimately lead to the ocean, all taos lead to the Tao.  David Mitchell, author of a favorite novel of mine, Cloud Atlas, says it best, “My life amounts to no more than one drop in a limitless ocean. Yet what is any ocean, but a multitude of drops?”

The greater truth is that while you cannot see it directly, you, just as you are, are the Tao.  It is within you.  It is you.  It always has been.  It always will be.  You don’t get to be a certain way.  You are The Way.

This doesn’t mean that you don’t change over time.  You most certainly do.  The Tao is always in motion, always changing.

I remember when I was a fumbling teenager, struggling through the confusing, and passionate throes of puberty.  I used to really feel sorry for myself about it.  It was bad enough that I couldn’t seem to keep my eyes off the opposite sex, but I felt tortured by my thoughts about being spanked.  And as for the diapering/babying stuff, I could barely bring myself to even whisper it aloud in the dark to myself at night, so great was my shame.

Yet with that torturous shame came something else: certainty.  I knew what I was. I felt the desires.  The shame didn’t come from them, but from my struggle to accept them.  I needed an explanation.

Or at least I thought I did.

As I got older, I gradually revealed more of my desires to partners, to mixed results.

In my early twenties, after ending an engagement to a domineering (but not dominant) woman, I openly embraced the kink community.  I did go to see a therapist to ask if my desires were healthy and where they came from.  The therapist’s short answers were a definitive “yes”, and an equally definitive “no one really knows.”  What he did tell me was that WHY I was this way didn’t matter anywhere near as much as HOW I was this way.  He said that as long as I lived a life of balance, where the desires didn’t overwhelm my ability to live, eat, have friends, work, and sleep that I was living successfully.

That was a pivotal moment for me.  I remember standing in the parking lot outside the therapy center, and imagining I was on a beach.  In my head, I drew a line in the sand, said to myself, “OK, this is who I am.  It’s inside me.  It is me.  It’s time to commit to it.”  Then I literally stepped over the line.

It’s made all the difference.

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