Dating Parents Do’s and Dont’s

 Posted by on November 16, 2012
Nov 162012
 

istock_000018881099medium-300x199-9564204I get asked a lot about how to go about dating a parent. Like we’re some kind of different species of intimate partner. The conversation sounds similar to when I tell people I have a food allergy. So how do you eat? I have kids, how do you date?

Well, I’ve got dating figured out on my end, the question is, how are you going to date me? Kinda like, I’ve got my food figured out, how are you going to cook for me? I’ve been on both sides of this equation as I am a parent who occasionally dates other parents, but I also date non-parents just the same.

So I’ve put together a list of how to date a parent do’s and dont’s. These come from my own best of and worst of experiences. Feel free to add your own to the list in the comments.

1. DO NOT waste a parent’s time.

I know, we shouldn’t take anyone’s time for granted. It’s rude and inconsiderate in general. However, a parent has to go through extra steps to make themselves available to date you. Babysitters, co-parenting arrangements, making sure they don’t have a parent-teacher conference, PTA meeting, soccer game. So, if you’re going to date someone who has a kid, take their time seriously.

2. DO be understanding of their schedule

This is the flipside to my first point. Parent’s have many places they need to be and other people to be accountable to. So if you absolutely hate being rain-checked on a semi-regular basis, maybe dating a parent isn’t for you.

3. DO NOT be a germaphobe

Kids pass around germs like they’re getting paid.  So did we when were young. It’s all a part of the circle of life. Pre-school age kids especially. And no matter how dedicated we as parents are to mitigating the transference, it’s gonna happen. How this impacts you can range from us getting you sick to us having to cancel a date due to a kid being sick.

4. DO include the kids in the caretaking

One of the sweetest things a lover ever did for me after I had to cancel a date because my whole household had a cold, was bring us soup. She asked me what kind of soup I liked and then immediately thought to ask what kind my kids liked in case it was different. She brought over three piping hot pints of soup from a local deli. She brought me flowers and chocolate coins for the boys. I was more than happy to reward her for this kindness later.

5. DO NOT invite yourself over

Nothing can throw a parent into a panic like not having the chance to tidy up before another person walks into their toy strew, underwear on the kitchen table, ice cream carton on the couch, pee on the toilet seat, home. We love that you want to see us and had us on your mind and just couldn’t wait to come give us some love BUT it takes time before we’re ready to let you see that side of ourselves. It’s a gradual revealing. Wait for it.

6. DO be honest

If we try to stop by with a kid in tow and you’re hung-over from the night before, still have on last night’s makeup and have wine bottles and cigarette butts where the end table used to be, say so. It’s fine, really. I actually had another parent do this to me. He was close by with his daughter, up bright and early for the farmer’s market and thought it would be great to come over. My kids were with their other parent for the weekend, and I was taking advantage of my grown up time. As much as I would have liked to have breakfast with him and his munchkin, it was just not going to make a good impression. I was honest and he understood.

7. DO NOT leave sex toys in the bathroom.

It’s important to keep toys clean, but if a household only has one bathroom, it’s not ok to let the toys drip dry in the shower. Same goes with used condoms, condom wrappers and lube packets. Take a moment to wrap them in tissue before tossing into the trash. Having kids is not like having housemates. The parent has to figure out when they’re ready to have those conversations with their kids. Try to be considerate of their timeline.

8. DO offer to keep the big toys at your place.

Harnesses, bed restraint systems, rubber sheets… those can be hard to be discreet about. Some parents have this down to a science, some don’t.  If you live in a space where you don’t have to worry about curious hands and very awkward questions, lessen our stress level a bit and offer to store the big stuff. Or if you’re looking for a practical yet sexy present for the parent in your life, buy them one of those fancy adult “toy” boxes.

I hope these are helpful tips. Really, they’re all based on real life adventures, but by all means not exhaustive!

 

Love Thy Neighbor

 Posted by on November 15, 2012
Nov 152012
 

istock_000020158156small-300x199-7359663I was running late to church which, as far as I’m concerned, is one of the more horrible feelings of tardiness. Because of my late arrival I had to park far away in the adjunct parking lot which is really just a grassy field and hiked in at a fast clip wearing heels. At least there wasn’t mud. But there was the marble floor of the sanctuary that echoed every step, and with the terraced seating, everyone could see who was making a late entrance. Some days, when the ushers were feeling particularly badass, you couldn’t even sit down unless they escorted you to a specific seat when the priest wasn’t speaking. It was my opinion that those were designated “sinner” seats, but that may have been my Catholic guilt acting up.

Somehow I avoided the usher and slid into a pew at the back. Everyone was standing for the Introductory Rites, so I didn’t feel too conspicuous. Flushed from running, I turned to the man beside me with a sunny smile.

“Peace be with you,” I said and shook his hand.

He was my height and very tan. His hand was firm and dry, with thick callouses. I could tell he did some type of physical labor because he was muscular in a way that said “active” and not “gym monkey.” I looked into his brown eyes and had the definite feeling that I knew him from somewhere.

As the priest transitioned into the first Penitential Act, it hit me.

I confess to almighty God

And to you, my brothers and sisters,

That was the guy who had messaged me the night before on a dating site! He was Mr. FWB, or Friends with Benefits for those of us not versed in the online dating nomenclature. In his message he stated that he worked in a male dominated field and his schedule was hectic, so he really didn’t have time for a relationship. My impression was that he didn’t want to mess with feelings. He just wanted to have sex.

that I have greatly sinned,

in my thoughts and in my words,

Heart pounding, I kept my eyes trained on the fluffy, white perm in front of me even though I was dying to sneak another peek at the man. Did he recognize me? The thought made my toes curl in my Manolos. I wasn’t embarrassed about his message. In fact, I admired that he was so honest about what he was looking for. My issue was that I didn’t know the protocol for such situations, especially in the house of the Lord. I looked at the praying people around me. Had one of these people also been on a St. Andrews Cross last Saturday night?

When I passed the collection basket, he carefully avoided eye contact. My stomach was full of butterflies. I still couldn’t tell if it was embarrassment or the simple act of trying to get his cash in the right place. By the second hymn I gave up trying to decipher his nonverbals and made peace with the reality that it was none of my business. Yes, he had reached out to me on a dating site, but I hadn’t responded to him. We didn’t use our real names. If he wasn’t going to say anything, neither was I. He had his reasons, and who knows, maybe he took one look at me and decided I wasn’t the girl for him. Despite my hot shoes

It reminded me that when I see members of the kinky community out and about, I don’t go charging up to them and address them by their scene names or how I know them on Fetlife. I use real life names if I’ve been introduced, and we talk about mundane things because not everyone is “out” about their sexual preferences. Some people I know merely by sight and don’t approach them at all if they’re busy trying to act like they don’t know me. Any of those reactions are fine with me, because I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. I decided to extrapolate that same etiquette for traditional dating sites and the people I bump into, especially if they’re sitting next to me on a pew.

My fellow parishioner, your secret is safe with me. May you find that friend with benefits that you seek. I won’t say a word about it.

Amen.

The Many Sides of Fear

 Posted by on November 13, 2012
Nov 132012
 

concept-of-fearless-2“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
— Frank Herbert, Dune – Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear

WHAT EXACTLY IS FEAR?

Fear has been defined as a temporary heightened negative emotional response to stimuli. But is it as simple as that?  What about the different kinds of fear? Can any type of stimuli cause fear? Are we born with some innate fears? So many questions surrounding a simple idea. Fear involves both the mind and the body. It can be individualistic or collective. It can be rational or irrational. Within the framework of our lifestyle, fear takes on an entirely different dimension.

Fear drives mankind every day. We fear so many things it has become hard to deal with each other openly. Our lifestyle is one way mankind can still reach out to each other and alleviate the fear we all feel. Just think of how many times in a day you worry or are afraid. Afraid you will be fired, your spouse will leave you, the kids will get sick, etc.

In our lifestyle we meet fear in many scenes and situations. Fear has many different levels: social, emotional, psychical, and life condition. As dominants we need to be able to recognize fear and either choose to use it or assist in its termination. Submissives willing to place their fears in our trust do so in the hope of moving beyond these crutches. They have the strength to allow us to take them into their fears and bring them safely out the other side.

But as the dominant person in the relationship, we often forget we have our own demons to face. If we do not confront and control our own fears, how can we enable our submissives in dealing with their own?  One of the first lessons we need to learn is how to identify fears so we can recognize them when they are occurring in a scene. This may seem a moot point, but if we are aware of the signs of distress, we can deal with the physical and psychological factors immediately.


HOW DOES THE HUMAN BODY REACT TO FEAR?

Psychologists have discovered that the part of our brain connected to fear is the Amygdala. Output from the Amygdala to our hypothalamus controls autonomic fear responses.  All of our nervous systems become activated in preparation for dealing with the stimuli. However, my intent with this seminar is not to delve too deeply into the mechanisms of fear but to show how it affects our interactions in our lifestyle. Also, how we might use it to both control the scene and assist our partner in facing their fears.

Some of the commons signs of a person responding to stimuli with anxiety or fear are:

Increased heart rate

Increased breathing or shortness of breath

Perspiration

Clammy skin

Rapid eye movement / eye dilation

Raised eye brows

Trembling / shaking of body

Feeling dizzy

Nausea

These factors can be compromised in a scene due to the fact a body already in a state of heighten awareness can have a fear reaction quicker and harsher than one in a relaxed state. Therefore as Dominants we need to closely monitor the psychical signs of our subs.

A submissive that has an illness such as diabetes will be affected more so by the panic attack. Each external symptom is accompanied by an unseen internal one which can lead to fainting, blackouts or unconsciousness if not regulated by the dominant. Panic attacks or fear responses that are connected to specific stimuli are called situationally bound or cued attacks. Things such as knife or fire play will fall in this category

ARE THERE DIFFERENT TYPES OF FEAR?

To deal with the fears of those we play with we need to spend time on two major issues. First we need to talk at length with them on their history.  Incidents of past abuse, trauma or harm will have an effect on the type of responses a submissive will have to BDSM interaction. Be aware that even after full disclosure, a submissive may not know of what we call a “trigger”: something which may bring on an anxiety attack. Subconscious fears may be brought to the surface by the type of play occurring at the time.  Fears instilled in childhood may be maintained by conditioning through avoidance of the fear causing stimuli. If you are afraid of snakes, you will avoid all snakes, thus reinforcing your fear. Irrational fears need to be dealt with maturely and wisely by the dominant regardless of our own personal thoughts on them. If my submissive is frightened of teddy bears or clowns, I need to assist them in confronting this fear, not ridicule them for it.

Second, we need to identify the type of fear in the submissive person we are dealing with. Know thy partner. Do they have emotional fears mainly, or are they afraid of coming to psychical harm? If you are playing with a masochist threatening them with more beatings or a severe toy will most likely not illicit the fear response you might desire. Verbal recrimination of a service sub will most likely result putting them in tears. If you desire to use fear as a control factor, do so with the full consent of your partner. Keep in mind, the key to fear scenes, is control. These scenarios are structured and self-contained by the dominant to control the fearful emotion in their submissives. This control is what allows us to delve deeper into this fears and fantasies. Otherwise, you might be crossing a line we strive not to cross in our lifestyle. Many submissives use play to overcome their fears or anxiety. If a submissive was administered corporal punishment as a child, they may desire to experience it now to move past their abusive memories. They turn to us as the one in control to be able to take them on this journey safely.


FEARS FREQUENTLY FOUND IN BDSM SCENES

Knife

Wax

Restraint

Claustrophobia

Blood-letting / Loss of blood

Fluid expulsion / Loss of bodily functions

Needles

Fire

Temperature

Rape

Kidnapping

Death

Castration

Forced sex or beatings

Loss of body part

 

Fears that may be used in our lifestyle to illicit responses and/or assist the submissive in overcoming them:

Spiders (non-poisonous, please!)

Heights

Loud noises (this is instinctual to us all)

The Dark

Strangers

Germs

Vomit

Food / meat

Water

Snakes

Dentists / doctors


BEHAVIORAL TECHNIQUES TO DEAL WITH FEAR

A very simple technique to begin dealing with your fears is to identify it. Say it out loud! “I am afraid of the dark.” Seems simplistic, but it is effective. But by naming your fear, you rob it of its power. Acknowledging it to yourself, your intimate ones and the universe can be very freeing.

One formally popular behavioral method of dealing with irrational fears is systematic desenzitation (commonly called “breaking down”). While this theory is no longer popular in generalized therapy, we often use it in our lifestyle. It consists of the systematic exposure to the fear in gradually increasing degrees until the fear is extinguished. One way we introduce a new toy or a more severe toy is to start out lightly with it, let the submissive try it on themselves, or administer it in a safe non-threatening manner. The next time we will increase the sensation and so on.

Visualization is a good technique to teach a submissive to move beyond their current limits. Have them visual the fear in a non-harmful way, rendering it powerless. Many of us will know this technique by the public speaking tip of viewing the audience in their underwear. We can use the same thing in our scenes. If a submissive is afraid of wax, do not start with the hottest, messiest candle on their soft tissue. Start with a candle that does not burn so hot on a less sensitive area. Gradually increase the instrument or item of their fear. I know this may seem like common sense to many of us, but take this idea beyond the simple. If a submissive is afraid of spiders start out with a plastic spider, not a real one.

Rage Expulsion and/or Cathartic release was first made popular by Freud. He felt catharsis was good for one’s psychological well-being.  The basic premise is to release your pent up  stressful emotions such as fear, worry, anger or hurt through a burst of emotions such as yelling, screaming or some other type of physical outburst (with no harm to yourself or others).  Given the activities we do in our scenes this technique should be approached with care. Plenty of negotiation and discussion should occur prior to doing such a scene. As much as we may enjoy the reactions of our submissive, when we have one releasing such emotion, we need to be in full control of ours so we can be aware of what may be needed in the aftercare. This type of release can leave your submissive with any number of reactions from joy, elation to sadness, anger. At this time, other techniques such as the journal will help.

Self-report is one way to help your partner deal with their fears. Have them keep a fear journal. Whenever they feel fearful they are to note it down as soon as they can in the journal. Review the journal with them to discover triggers, possible trust issues and successes in moving beyond the fear. Fear patterns can also assist us in dealing with fears. Write down your feelings

 

RECOMMENDED BOOKS AND LINKS

The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals that protect Us from Violence by Gavin De Becker

You Can’t Afford the Luxury of a Negative Thought by Peter McWilliams

 

http://www.leathernroses.com/generalbdsm/shadows.htm

http://gloria-brame.com/domidea/mbarchive/endorphins_in_fear_play.htm

http://www.sexuality.org/l/subnet/AboutBDSM3.html

http://www.takeninhand.com/node/216

http://alist.com

 

 

Gender and Compromise

 Posted by on November 11, 2012
Nov 112012
 

istock_000020099280medium2-300x199-1621187All-or-nothing…compromise…all-or-nothing…compromise.  So beat the political drum for decades, with both parties electing theirs on all-or-nothing platforms, but most legislation happening as a result of compromise.  But you cannot help but notice that talk of compromise is at an all-time low, at least on the national stage.  In Massachusetts on the other hand, if you look really hard you can see evidence of compromise in some expected and some unexpected places (both, oddly enough, the state house).    And if you look at the recent passage of the Transgender Equal Rights Bill in Massachusetts, you can learn a lot about compromise and privilege, ignorance and fear.

On November 23rd, 2011 Deval Patrick signed the transgender equal rights bill.  What this law does – literally – was insert the phrase “Gender Identity” into laws prohibiting discrimination in employment, housing, credit and education.  It also inserts the phrase “Gender identity” into the hate crimes bill.  Finally, the bill defines “Gender identity” for all of these purposes as follows:

“Gender identity” shall mean a person’s gender-related identity, appearance or behavior, whether or not that gender-related identity, appearance or behavior is different from that traditionally associated with the person’s physiology or assigned sex at birth. Gender-related identity may be shown by providing evidence including, but not limited to, medical history, care or treatment of the gender-related identity, consistent and uniform assertion of the gender-related identity or any other evidence that the gender-related identity is sincerely held as part of a person’s core identity; provided, however, that gender-related identity shall not be asserted for any improper purpose.) (2012 Mass Acts Chapter 199)

What the law does – practically – is provide stiff legal penalties for anyone who does discriminate in any of these areas.  This is great news; as Gunner Scott, Executive Director of the Massachusetts Transgender Political Coalition, points out, over 75% of transgender people have been discriminated against for employment and housing.

What the law does not do is prohibit discrimination in public accommodations – e.g. hospitals, gyms, restaurants, public transit, hotels and… yes… bathrooms.  Nearly every rational discussion, every hearing and debate about this bill, was co-opted by the lunatic fear of “public restroom privacy.”  Discussions of human rights and fundamental fairness in front of the legislative body that gave rise to the first state constitution, the Massachusetts Declaration of Rights, devolved to nervous questions about “where are they gonna go when they have to…  ya know… go?”  The original bill was indelibly branded the “Bathroom bill.”  Every time a legislator or advocate described the bill as a necessary protection of civil rights in a state that has a “long and happy history of human rights and protecting civil liberties (Byron Rushing)” some fear-mongering legislator re-framed it as a bill whose passage would “compromise bathroom safety [for our daughters] (Marc Lombardo)”

What wound up happening was compromise.  The “public accommodation” language – the language that would make discrimination illegal in restaurants, public transit, and.. yes.. bathrooms – was stricken in the name of securing a few more Republican votes.  The bill passed the house with a final score of 98 Yeas and 58 Nays.  Mixed with the celebration, there were promises of fighting for the “public accommodation” language next year.  There was also some pretty articulate outrage at the passage of an “unjust trans bill” that caves to the fears of the vocal ignorati.    There were some pretty substantial protections won, in employment, housing and education.  But the fight for some fundamental freedoms was abandoned – the freedom to feel comfortable in your chosen gender in the world: on the sidewalk or in the shopping mall, on a train or in a restaurant, in a gym, in a park, and yes.. in a bathroom.

The fact is, the option to compromise suggests a certain privilege.  You will only compromise human rights and fundamental freedoms if they are not your own rights and freedoms.  Not a single Massachusetts Legislator is directly affected by the elimination of “public accommodations” from the Transgender Discrimination bill; not a single legislator left the state house that day in fear of discrimination based on their identity.  They are the lawmakers – but if they compromise in a situation where we wouldn’t, do they really represent us?

Fashion is only for Women!

 Posted by on November 10, 2012
Nov 102012
 

istock_000019980711small-300x199-3206411Any discussion of fashion usually revolves around women. Specifically, fashions only women are supposed to wear, be interested in or care about. Even if men are the ones leading the discussion, it is almost always centered on women’s wear. During Fashion Week we only see or hear about shows that depict women’s wear.

Fashion seems to be gendered. Sure, men can be into fashion, but they have to be in some way assisting a woman in her outfit choices or be working with women’s wear.  A great example of this is the gay best friend meme that we’ve seen on numerous media platforms (Sex and the City depicting one of the most iconic forms of this). It’s a very stereotypical view of gays (which is a whole other topic) but nonetheless he is always interested in fashion and beauty, in on the latest trends and can be somewhat vain. They are always acting as “sidekicks” to the women and never talking about men’s fashion or their own attire, and if they do, they are shamed and talked about as being narcissistic.

Also, men’s fashions are not seen as important as women’s. You hardly ever see men’s fashion being talked about in the media, fashion magazines or blogs. While men are a present force in fashion, they are not making men’s clothing. Of the four finalists on Project Runway this season, three were men. But there was not any men’s wear shown in the runway shows (the finalists show their collections during Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week). So men can create fashion and even dominate the industry, but they can’t get to the top my making menswear.

I think this says a lot about gender roles in our society. Women are supposed to be into appearance and there is an emphasis placed on achieving beauty. They are supposed to work out and have “fit” bodies, perfect make-up, flat-ironed hair and the perfect outfit. Only men can leave the house in sweats! With this, comes the domination of the fashion industry. We are told what to wear, how to wear it, what we need to buy and what we can’t live without! And next season, the process is done all over again.

As for men that want to (somewhat) enter into this process? They are immediately labeled as weird, too feminine and gay. Didn’t you know, only girl’s care about their looks! If you have a penis and you are trying to match your tie to your loafers, you are not normal.  That attitude is so oppressive and forces men and women to live in boxes it is all but impossible to escape from.

We need to have more voices that are being heard about men’s fashion! We need to have more people willing to break out prescribed gender roles! We need to have women appear disheveled and not care and men be perfectly primped and proud of it! It’s time we revolutionize how we think about fashion! Because it can be a game for two.

Exorcising Our Sexual Demons

 Posted by on November 8, 2012
Nov 082012
 

We’ve all inherited many misconceptions about the erotic, causing so much fear and guilt. Some are based on old taboos; others on unrealistic expectations. They are like demons hovering over us, heckling and harassing us. And they’re not as easy to get rid of as we’d like, especially when you’re not quite sure what they are.

Let me first begin with a caveat: If you recognize any of these “demons” I’m listing here, don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re not the only one who’s encountered them. And if your partner appears to be “possessed” by one, please don’t add to their misery. So, with that out of the way, here they are …

Sexual Demon # 1 – The Procreation Fixation. Yes, sex serves a function of bringing more people into the world. But the mistaken idea that this is all it’s good for has been used to shame people for centuries. Fortunately, it’s not universal, even in Christianity. Many theologians have taught that it is the mutual pleasure and expression of affection which is primary, and that children are an “added blessing.” That also fits in with our biology, because on average only one in five incidents of intercourse actually leads to conception and birth. If the Divine had thought that sex was only for procreation, you’d think we’d be given better odds!

Sexual Demon # 2 – Rationing Romance. Even the most liberal amongst us tend to view lifelong monogamy as an “ideal” state of affairs. Really!? In every other endeavor, we humans are expected to study, practice, learn from mistakes, and acquire more skills and knowledge with experience. Why should sex be any different? Of course, this doesn’t automatically mean that having more partners is better, just as having a thousand rotten music teachers isn’t preferable to having a dozen really good one. But isn’t it time to look past the numbers game, and think about the quality of our experiences? Even the bad ones, because we can still learn from those as well.

Sexual Demon # 3 – Insert Tab Into Slot. When we hear “sex” our minds often gravitate towards intercourse of the penis-in-vagina kind. Sex-negative conservatives often condemn queer sexuality because, in their limited imaginations, if the “right” tab isn’t going into the “right” slot, then it’s just icky. Well, isn’t that like saying that, because you have teeth, you must chew all your food a certain number of times? Laughable as that is, this nineteenth-century dietary fad was closely linked to ideas of sexual purity. The truth is that eroticism involves the whole person, from skin to soul, and limiting it to mere genital contact is depriving both yourself and your partner of endless opportunities for connection and ecstasy.

Sexual Demon #4 – Not Too Young, Not Too Old. We often have misconceptions of when someone is old enough to be sexually intimate with someone, in both directions. We often think that young people are “not ready” for sex (although we often don’t define what we mean by “sex”) and we have a hard time imagining that older people still desire erotic intimacy. Then there’s the whole bias against coupling with someone in a different age bracket, especially older women with younger men. But if we can recognize that some people learn and mature faster than others, and age differently than others, then it’s high time we applied that to our sex lives as well. No, I’m not saying octogenarians should be able to chase preteens, but I am saying that the ability to consent meaningfully and love deeply are more important than the number of years a person has lived.

Sexual Demon #5 – All Together Now? There’s a familiar saying: “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.” Well, the same can hold true of pleasure, especially mutual erotic pleasure. We can all experience it, but demanding that orgasms and other ecstatic moments happen in synchronous harmony is ridiculous. Tell me, if you and your lover both enjoy chocolate cake, does that mean you put each forkful in your mouth simultaneously? Not only do things rarely sync up in real life, but some of the greatest sex can happen when one person generously gives and the other gratefully receives.

The common thread in all of this is that there’s no one-size-fits all model in the human sexual experience. As Brian of Nazareth said, “we’re all individuals, and we’ve got to think for ourselves”. So celebrate your blessed uniqueness, and that of all you with who you share your gifts of pleasure. And if you hear these demons speak to you again, laugh them off while you’re getting off.

There’s a reason the words “sexy fundamentalists” are rarely used together.

 Posted by on November 7, 2012
Nov 072012
 

istock_000009592881small-300x205-4188291I had a stranger on Facebook — one who looked to be a conservative Christian by the profile — ask me, “What exactly is sexology and why do we need to study it? Is there some purpose for it? Most people know how to have babies. Just trying to understand.”

It was an important and seemingly innocent question. I responded: “Sexology is the study and education of what people do sexually and how they feel about it. Sexuality is not just about the act of procreation, but a whole beautiful aspect of each person’s life, like our mentality, emotions, body, spirituality, etc…”

The FB inquirer responded: “You make it sound like if someone is unable to have sex they are missing out on a whole lot of life. I don’t agree with that – do you?”

My response: “I have a few thoughts about that. First: In answering your original question, I fail to see how I was suggesting that anyone has to miss out on anything. On the contrary, as I said: Sexuality is an aspect of humanity that everyone has the potential to experience in their own way — whether alone or with someone special.

Second, there are all kinds of people that choose to define their sexuality, whether celibate, or monogamous with only someone of the opposite gender, etc… Let’s say like Amish Mennonites who live simple and cloistered lives. There are billions of people in this world that live their lives radically and beautifully different from each other and I think that’s great. I do my best to accept and understand them with as little judgement as possible. As long as they feel they are authentically living who they are meant to be and what they believe, I wish them all the happiness they can muster. It’s a wildly diverse world and we can all live happily in it.

Thirdly, let’s follow the Amish analogy a bit more. There is absolutely nothing wrong with an Amish person living out their full and robust life within the confines of their hometown. However, if that person asked me if they are missing out on what they could experience in the world, I’m gonna have to respectfully and knowledgeably say, “Yes.” No storytelling, photo book, slideshow or movie, compares to standing at the edge of the Grand Canyon, or swimming under the spray of a 1200ft. Hawaiian waterfall, or viewing the lights of the city of Paris from the top of the spires of ancient Notre Dame. To me, sexuality can be that amazing.

We know a lot more about sexuality than we did fifty years ago. Plenty of research has shown that to understand yourself as a sexual being as well as responsibly manage and enjoy your unique sexuality can bring about a wonderful, fulfilling and abundant life, whether that’s experienced by yourself, or with a partner. There is also substantial research that shows when we repress, deny, or shame our sexuality, we experience all manner of negative repercussions — stress, depression, anxiety, self deception, a dichotomous lifestyle, and more.

But hey, all kinds of people have lived their whole lives denying their sexuality — so who am I to judge? I’m just explaining what I have learned.

I think it’s also noteworthy to point out that the Amish have minimal influence on real world problems like, solving poverty in India, or even determining how a car might be more fuel efficient, because the choices they have made severely limit their relevance in the greater world.

There’s nothing ultimately wrong with that, it’s simply a choice that limits their perspective. The same is true for many Christian’s views of sexuality. If they only view it as procreation, there’s little left to contribute to the larger conversation of healthy, pleasurable sexuality outside of those structures.

Finally, I want to speak from personal experience. I spent the first 25 years of my life suppressing (and hating) my sexuality, conforming to what a fundamentalist church and others told me, without finding out the truth about sexuality for myself. I was miserable. It was a living hell that brought me to the brink of death. Only when I learned to love myself and my sexuality unconditionally, like I believe God loves me, did I blossom. My relationship with family, friends, and with myself became far more authentic and loving. My spiritual journey took off into a beautiful technicolor experience. I now feel balanced, whole and honest. I spend whole seasons of my life enriched, deeply happy and enjoying it thoroughly. That is why I have dedicated my life and profession to helping people better understand their sexuality. I can’t help but wish the same joy and communion, however that works best for you.”

 

Feeling left out…

 Posted by on November 6, 2012
Nov 062012
 

istock_000009210472xsmall1-300x199-4707728Last weekend was another example of wishing I could be in two places at once. I was originally going to be attending the Good Vibrations “Sex Summit”, a day-long conference featuring some of the most coveted educators and activists in the field. It seems that almost every weekend, across the USA, there is some sort of sexuality related event. For most people, getting to all the desired events is completely unrealistic although it’s fun to dream!  Sometimes though, those dreams can have a slightly bitter taste.

It’s hard to feel like you’re being left out and left behind, and with the ‘gift’ of social media we can both hungrily eat up the tid-bits of info in 140 characters on twitter and/or be reminded of what you’re missing out on. It depends on how you look at it. Through social media we can be there in spirit by engaging with people that are attending the event. For the more academic/activism events there tends to be a lot of live tweeting using the appropriate #hashtag so you can follow along as people tweet the condensed version of what they’re hearing. Sometimes though that’s not enough and the anxiety starts to set in. What’s going on without me? Am I missing some crucial networking or spontaneous interaction that might lead me farther along my path or create an opportunity for collaboration? Is it fun? Missing out on the social aspect is almost as bad as missing the panels and presentations.

So it can be much like a flash back of the experience of not being invited to birthday parties or being out of town for a special school dance. Basically a total bummer.

But there is a silver lining. Events are slowly starting to record the presentations to be posted online for those that couldn’t attend. Also, many of the presenters are involved in a handful of events so there might be another opportunity to meet & network with the sexually progressive professionals. Since there are so many events you can choose judiciously according to professional benefit, budget and other logistics. Don’t let the feelings of frantic desire to be everywhere at once dilute the effectiveness of events that you can actually attend. It can be costly and inconvenient to travel the country trying to make your presence known at every possible opportunity. So be strategic about your event attendance. The adage ‘leave em wanting more’ can also apply in this situation. The balance is being at the most important events for you to build your brand and make an impact on your colleagues without feeling like you have to be everywhere all the time to do that.

Spreading yourself to thin can be incredibly detrimental to your career by putting a little bit of attention on to many tasks or goals. Focusing on the events that will give you the most bang for your buck go at the top of the list, after that the ‘maybe’ events followed by the events that are unlikely but you dream about going (dreams are important, even if not immediately finished) and perhaps switch out your choices occasionally to include somewhere new.

So yes, it can be lousy to ‘miss out’ on an industry event, but the best thing about having all these events is that there’s always another one around the corner!

Finding “The Guard” in Discipline

 Posted by on November 5, 2012
Nov 052012
 

One of the paramitas, which really bridges Buddhism and Kink together smoothly, is a continuous self-conflict for me.  Discipline, needed in almost any long-term commitment be it relationships or spirituality, has a general definition that can either be taken one of two ways.  During my last training course when there was time for Q&A, I dropped a big one.  Discipline was holding me up, something prescribed as not gaining attachment to a set of rules or expectations but that still functions like a bodhisattva warrior in every way.  Which lead me to question: What if not having structure or rules makes discipline more difficult and can attachment be given up but have the ability to have rules?

When I raised this question, saying I need rules and structure daily to function because of Aspergers, the room went completely silent.  After a few minutes of discussion I was offered a piece of advice: define Discipline for yourself while remembering Buddhist ideals.  The path is considered as what will lead the student to discipline, and defined by the individual.

Connection of Old Guard versus New Guard exists here.  I have focused on Discipline in my private life for a while.  I don’t think one definition of Discipline can be determined by one person, or one book that fits everyone.  Even if a person doesn’t have a disability, labeling discipline as one or the other will eventually set in a guilt complex that is commonly found within traditional Catholics.   The discipline that I need to tap into for Old Guard servitude is almost spiritual.  The routines and protocols, based around rules from the Dominant, creates a smooth flowing connection that ideally leads to a more focused sub.  The same could be said for New Guard and in the a Buddhist sense can be applied to the book definition.

However, even though I know the protocols, and where the expectations are, my attachment to the old ways and being a smart-ass masochist has gotten me in trouble more than once.  In the spiritual sense, I am still finding attachment in being a former “Cafeteria Catholic” and not being able to focus on losing some long-lasting habits on how I practice and when I practice.  To be able to release from attachment will really be a stepping stone. It’s just is a struggle to get to that point.

The key is to focus on the goals of Discipline.  Finding the pillow every day, for example, can boggle a Buddhist practitioner down.  Diving deeper into the Buddhist practice creates the ability to see past the expectation of doing every smaller practice built during different stages or levels in the journey can lead to a two-hour practice, ignoring the voice of reason that even ten minutes of focused practice a day is more beneficial than a 2 hour practice once a week.  Playing an instrument doesn’t happen with only one music lesson a week. There are practice books that are used when not in class, and when engaging in a power exchange if it’s based on rules applied on a daily basis, leaving after cleaning a house does not mean D/s ends.

If I know that not having rules or a structure does not allow me to reach my full potential  (isn’t that partly why someone add spirituality into their lives?), I fit it to make sense to me.  Following an ideal because a book says so is not going to help find my true self.  In my path of spirituality, finding the true self and identifying with my needs is really what I am striving for.

I find it with my tasks and assignments, both from Sir (my Dominant) and from my journey, and I find it living every day on a path that makes sense to me.  Some may find it with having less rules, focusing on expectations and the “big picture” without putting definite rules in place.  My training sessions have ranged from teachers who diligently light the shrine every session, focusing on the protocol of standing and bowing, to simply acknowledging the shrine, and what it represents to the room, but not feeling a need to practice protocol.  It’s almost amused that when even talking to students, and some teachers, everyone’s perception of what protocol is looks like is setting up for a meditation sitting or a class.  Protocol can differ even if they come from the same meditation center.  Going into a room full of kinksters asking about one set of protocols, like going out for a meal or bedtime rituals, can differ from having rules on how to address the waiter or whether or not sleeping in the same bed is appropriate.

 

 

The Culture of Radical Sex?

 Posted by on November 4, 2012
Nov 042012
 

istock_000020390883small-300x199-4156925In 1994, Pat Califia committed her thoughts on gender, sexuality, censorship, kink, prostitution, safer sex, and leather to print in a book titled Public Sex: The Culture of Radical Sex. As an outspoken, self-identified leather dyke, Califia took on laymen and academics alike for “white-washing” and “sanitizing” sex and its transformative and radical abilities. She bemoaned the limiting mainstream depictions of the gay and lesbian communities, society’s inability to adequately process and accept public sex, the limitations of the right-wing feminist agenda, and the repression of healthy, consensual BDSM practices. In the years that followed, Califia revisited the text, producing a second edition in 2000 that featured additional chapters addressing other major issues such as age of consent, child pornography, slut shaming, the necessity of excess, and the importance of sex work. Califia has continued pushing sex positivity to the forefront, often using personal experiences to discuss the state of sexuality in the United States. More than a decade after the second edition of Public Sex hit the shelves, have we managed to discover the culture of radical sex Califia was seeking?

The LBGTQ communities have managed to make strides toward sexual equality. Some moderately positive representations of S/M and kink have filtered into the mainstream. Movements like the Slut Walk and Sex Workers Outreach Project (SWOP) tireless advocacy for sex positivity in laws and social arenas has garnered support from diverse portions of the population. Women Studies, Queer Studies, and Human Sexuality courses can be found at colleges and universities throughout the nation. Looking at the surface, it certainly seems we’re heading toward the culture of radical sex Califia was searching for. However, when we take a closer look, it’s clear we haven’t made as great a gain as we may have hoped.

Almost 20 years after Public Sex: The Culture of Radical Sex was first published, America still finds itself struggling with most of the issues Califia took aim at in the original work. BDSM remains illegal and underground in many places. The right-wing feminist agenda has consistently sidelined or steamrolled allies from the gay, lesbian, trans, and sex worker communities, claiming their issues are outside the realm of feminism. Slut shaming remains a “natural” part of society and men or women that are openly sexual can expect to be gossiped about, shunned, or targeted for sexual harassment and assault since they’re “asking for it” with their clothing choices, flirting, or sexual history. If we hope to see serious changes to our culture of misrepresentation, repression, and silence around sexuality, more passionate people need to take up the task of pressing for accurate representations, equality, and sex positivity.

Follow Califia’s lead and unleash your inner sex radical by trying a few of the following suggestions:

1. Vote – Take time to make your voice heard. Educate yourself about items and candidates that will appear on you ballot and support sex positive laws, regulations, and legislators.

2. Volunteer at or donate to a sex positive organization – Many sex positive organizations are non-profits and have to rely on the kindness of their supports for financial and staffing assistance that allows them to continue their work.

3. Study sex – Educate yourself about sex. Take time to learn about the physical, mental, emotional, and cultural issues. The next time someone tries to feed you misinformation you’ll be prepared.

4. Live out one of your fantasies – Being a sex radical is as much about your own fun and pleasure as allowing others to find and live into theirs.

5. Have a full STD panel test done (and bring a friend) – Self-care is important and so is being a good example.

6. Purchase a sex toy, adult magazine, condoms, or other sex-oriented item without shame.

7. Cross-dress – It doesn’t matter if it’s in public or private, take a walk on the other side for a little while.

8. Write to your representatives about what kind of laws you’d like to see in place regarding issues of sexuality – Even if there’s nothing currently on the table regarding sexuality, let your representatives know where you stand. When issues arise on the topic, hopefully they’ll remember your comments.

9. Talk to someone whose sexual identity or practices differ from yours.

10. Enjoy yourself – Regardless of who or how you love, take pleasure in doing it your way!

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