When Academia Isn’t the Answer

 Posted by on April 11, 2011
Apr 112011
 

By Shanna Katz

I have an academic background; a bachelor’s in Sociology (and German), a Master’s in Human Sexuality Education. I play along and am a members of multiple societies and organizations in my field (thanks to my job helping with the costs) and I am a board certified sexologist. All of these things are great, but there are some days when I just can’t handle the academia, the turning of everything into an intellectual conversation without deferring to the real lives people are living, the real experiences they are have.

The other day, a conversation was start on FetLife about gender roles, identities and how our finding of mates may or may not change over time. From the information put out there, the original poster was in a psychology class, and this had got him thinking. Thinking is good…however, when it was mentioned that the diversity of genders might contribute to the gender roles and identities, that line of thought was shut down. It was said that science says there are two genders; male and female, and possibly intersex. Clearly, everything operates within the binary that science has created for us.

I was angry. Not just about the misuse of terms (science states there are two, possibly three SEXES, not genders), but about the fact that in one paragraph, this person had used science to wipe away the real and lived experience of millions of people who do not live within the two traditional gender roles prescribed by our society. By using science to say that something doesn’t exist, we are telling people that their identities aren’t real, that their lives aren’t real, that the frustrations, and battles they wage daily, and the prejudices against them, aren’t real.

Moreover, I was surprised to see this in a FetLife community. I mean, haven’t we been fighting the DSM and scientists/psychologists perception of us for decades on end? Haven’t many of us had to explain to a friend, loved on, family member, co-worker, etc, that not, the sadism we practice ISN’T going to turn us into a crazed serial killer, or that being a masochist or submissive doesn’t mean that we are depressed or setting ourselves up to be a victim? That enjoying high heels or latex or hair (insert “fetish” here) doesn’t mean that we are weird, or unable to be aroused without such an item?

Looking at things from an academic perspective can sometimes be good. It can help to legitimize or normalize behavior (like the recent study that showed 30% of heterosexual American couples participate in anal sex), it can bring important discussion to the forefront. However, it can also take validation away from individuals and/or groups, it can stigmatize and sometimes criminalize behaviors, it can harm certain people, and it can serve to disempower and oppress communities.

Telling someone that their identity isn’t real or doesn’t exist because it doesn’t exist in the textbook you’re currently reading, or you haven’t heard it discussed yet is showing both ignorance and privilege. Many things we take for granted today were scientifically said to be impossible or non-existent at one time. As societies change, people change, and as people change, societies change. Take a look at my vintage book called “Sex Technique for Husband and Wife” from 1937, where it has a chapter dedicated to the “myth of the female orgasm.” The myth. Clearly, science and academia doesn’t know everything, and as we try to learn more, so that we as a people, we as a society can learn more, it is important that we don’t try to stifle, put down or oppress the very groups and people who are the ones creating change and leading the way through their identities.

Serving Two Masters – Part 2

 Posted by on April 10, 2011
Apr 102011
 

By C.K. Persons

In last month’s column I began an exploration of Matthew 6:24: “No one can serve two masters. A person will either hate one and love the other, or be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon.” My focus was two-fold: to provide the necessary background to a more complete understanding of this passage and to prompt thought about serving God and wealth. The focus of this column is more directly related to being Catholic and kinky: How can a kinky person interested in power exchange be Catholic as well?

Matthew 6:24 is a rather definitive statement. After all, the use of language such as “no one,” and “either hate one and love the other” does not leave much room for compromise. But this does not mean that submissives and dominants who also claim to be Catholic are just deceiving themselves. The passage emphasizes a complete love of God, which necessarily implies neighbor; and love is real only when there is action. To love means to act in a way that wills the best for the other. The Christian understanding of God as Love is that God does nothing but desire (will) the best for all creation. And believers of this God (Trinity, Love, pure self-gift, as highlighted in my second column) are to act likewise. (Yes, I know that we don’t do such a hot job on this one!)

The primary focus of a healthy power exchange relationship (really any healthy relationship) is that all parties involved do that which is best for the others. The focus, therefore, is love. When such desire (will) guides the relationship, I see no contradiction with Matthew 6:24. Submissives, for example, work tirelessly to make better the lives of dominants; and dominants accept submissives and act according to the best interest of their submissives. Problems arise, though, when self-interest trumps care for the other. (This is not to devalue self-care, which is vital for all of us.) In essence, Matthew 6:24 warns against idolatry, which can take various forms. For the dominant, greed and exploitation can be obstacles, and, for the submissive, a reliance on the dominant to the exclusion of love of God and others.

The Hebrew and Christian Scriptures can probably be boiled down (very simplistically, of course) to the invitation to love God and neighbor, especially the vulnerable, completely. Such complete love is hardly easy – and perhaps only infrequently achieved given the many distractions and divisions on the personal, communal, and global levels – but being kinky does not in itself make such love unattainable. In fact, at least in my experience, because healthy kinky relationships require deep honesty, trust, and communication; kinky relationships can make it even more likely to live authentically Catholic lives.

The London Tourism Guide

 Posted by on April 7, 2011
Apr 072011
 

or, Harris’s List of Covent-Garden Ladies

By The Court Jester

As you tour London you will undoubtedly run into one of their distinctive red telephone booths. Clearly, in this age of cell phones, they are there as part of London’s ambiance carefully cultivated for the tourist’s delight. They also serve another function. Inside, as Bob’s your uncle, you’ll find the ubiquitous stacks of postcard size advertisements by women, and sometimes men, offering a variety of services of a sexual nature.

Printed with a picture, suggesting the type of service, on the glossy side and additional pertinent information on the back, I bet you a shilling you can create a collection within an hour, like baseball cards, that would be the envy of your pervy friends at home.

However, this may be too much for you and can send you scurrying into the British Museum. There you can feel relieved and erudite at the same time. But as you wander through the exhibits you may stumble across a copy of Harris’s List of Covent-Garden Ladies among their collection of eighteenth-century manuscripts.

Basically, it was a directory of interesting and entertaining women published annually between the years 1757 and 1795. For a couple of shillings, you could purchase this listing of “prostitutes” listing their preferences and appearances. It put the adult services section of the Boston Phoenix to shame.

The charges of these services could run the equivalent of a lowly civil servant’s year’s wages, but a Miss Corbett had a novel approach: “She always measures a man’s maypole by a standard of nine inches and expects a guinea for every inch it is short of the full measure.” That would leave me more than several pounds short.

Dan Cruikshank in his book London’s Sinful Secret: The Bawdy History and Very Public Passions of London’s Georgian Age refers to a Mrs. Dodd of 6 Hind Court, Fleet Street who “after giving you a whole night’s entertainment is perfectly satisfied, and will give you a comfortable cup of tea in the morning, for one guinea.” How sweet. May I have another, Mistress?

The names of the providers of these various services often suggested their specialties such as Miss Birch, Jenny Speedyhand and Polly Nimblewrist. Often, the guide listed the obvious pseudonyms of clientele who, nonetheless, were readily identifiable among those in the know. It was a polite and surreptitious way of providing a verifiable reference.

Below is a brief reading list. Of particular note is Rubenhold’s Harris’s List of Covent Garden Ladies: Sex in the City in Georgian Britain. It provides selected highlights from various editions of the guide that you may find hilarious. Cheers!

London’s Sinful Secret: The Bawdy History and Very Public Passions of London’s Georgian Age

by Dan Cruickshank

The Covent Garden Ladies : Pimp General Jack and the Extraordinary Story of Harris’s List

by: Hallie Rubenhold

Harris’s List of Covent Garden Ladies: Sex in the City in Georgian Britain

by Hallie Rubenhold

Explore, Experiment, and Evaluate Your Way Into an Unconventional Life

 Posted by on April 6, 2011
Apr 062011
 

By Leah Shapiro

I suspect that if you’re like me, you want your life to be exceptional. Normal and ordinary just won’t do! Creating this kind unconventional life comes with its own unique set of challenges.

If you want to live an unconventional life, you have to accept the idea that you’re going to have to make it all up as you go along. There’s no guidebook for you to follow. You’re on your own path, and there is a lot of exploration, experimentation and evaluation that goes along with this process.

Let me use my desire to have blue hair as an example.

About six months ago, I decided that I wanted to switch things up and Defy the Box a bit more with some blue and purple color in my hair. I wasn’t trying to be a Punk Rocker or a Raver Kid. I’m 45 after all. I own my own business, and didn’t want my hair to be too distracting when I met with clients. I didn’t really know anyone who was doing what I had in mind, so I couldn’t go to my hairdresser and say, “I want my hair to look like this.”

Exploration

I was totally entering into unknown territory and I set out to explore my options. I looked at a lot of websites and pictures of people with funky colored hair. I started noticing people on the street with bits and pieces of color added to their bangs or the back of their hair. There were different shades of colors available and I researched which ones lasted the longest. I evaluated all of my options to determine which colors were the best fit for what I wanted. The Special Effect colors Blue Velvet and Pimpin’ Purple won out!

Experimentation

Once my exploration was done, it was time for me to experiment with these colors to see what would look best. I will admit that this was scary (but exciting). There were a lot of unknown factors to deal with. I wasn’t sure what it would look like or how people would react. I had my hairdresser start out small by just putting a little bit of color in the front. That went over well with others and I liked it, but I wanted to push things a bit further. Over the course of six months, we experimented with three different applications of the color. Mistakes were made and lessons were learned. There were some memorable moments during the process. Blue Velvet became a nasty green when I tried to strip it out of my hair, and it was really hard to color over. I also learned that the blue and purple color rubs off on everything it touches for 3 -4 weeks after you use it. Expect your shower to be stained the color of your hair.

Evaluation

Throughout this process, it was important to me to stay connected to my desired outcome for adding the Blue and Purple to my hair and to continually evaluate whether or not the results were in alignment with what I was going for. I wanted my hair to be fun, sassy, and unique. I also wanted it to be easy to maintain. During the entire process, I would catch myself getting caught up in the idea of having a lot of blue hair, but once we tried that, it didn’t really work. I had to keep bringing myself back to a place of checking in and evaluating if the look at the moment was what I wanted. And finally we got it right! I have the perfect amount of blue and purple in my hair. I love it! It’s totally unique, and it feels like me.
I invite you to explore experiment and evaluate your way into an unconventional life. Where will you start?

Seamless Sexuality; Senior Sexuality; Ageless Sexuality

 Posted by on April 4, 2011
Apr 042011
 

By Richard Wagner

It’s all over the news. Seniors and elders are still having sex!

I know it’s shocking. But we have the University of Chicago’s National Social Life, Health and Aging Project to blame. Ever since they presented the results of the first comprehensive national survey of sexual attitudes, behaviors and problems among older adults in the United States, the popular culture has been having a field day. I suppose the upside to all of this is that us older folk are finally breaking out of the “sexy senior citizen butt of a joke” syndrome.

This groundbreaking research, published in the New England Journal of Medicine back in August, 2007, studied only heterosexual couples, which is truly unfortunate. But it found that most of the respondents, ages 57 to 85, considered sexuality an important part of their life. The frequency of sexual activity, for those who remained sexually active, declined only slightly from when the respondents were in their 50s to when they were in their early 70s.

The researchers interviewed 3,005 people seniors and elders in their homes. They asked about their social and marital history, sexual activity and function, and physical and mental health. The researchers also gathered data on how these older adults perceive the world of social relationships. They learned that while social relationships contribute to the health and well-being of all people, it is especially significant in the lives of seniors and elders. Intimate social relationships can and do impact on the quality life of us older Americans. Who knew?

The researchers collected blood and saliva specimens as well as vaginal swabs. They assessed the participant’s sense of touch, taste and smell as well as vision and hearing. They hope these specimens and assessments will provide “biomarkers” for follow-up studies. For example, the data might provide evidence about hormone levels, prevalence of diseases, like heart disease or diabetes, and the frequency of human papillomavirus.

As the first wave of us baby boomers become sexagenarians, we make up the fastest growing segment of the US population. Unfortunately, there is a dearth of reliable information about how sexual activity and function changes as we age and how age related illness, combined with taboos around discussing sex in later life, contributes to a climate of worry or even shame for many older adults.

That’s why this University of Chicago study is so important. It shows that, for the most part, we remain sexually active — participating in vaginal intercourse, oral sex and masturbation — well into our 70s and 80s. Older adults remain interested and engage in sex, yet many respondents report bothersome sex related problems. But few senior men (38%) and even fewer senior women (22%) have discussed sex with a physician since they turned 50. And apparently the healing and helping professionals, the ones who regularly interface with us seniors and elders, aren’t any better prepared to have informed conversations with their patients and clients about their sexuality and health.

The survey documented a number of significant gender differences. For example, while 78 percent of men ages 75 to 85 have a spouse or another intimate relationship, only 40 percent of women in that age group do. This may be due to the fact that women tend to live longer then men, but then again, the study only considered heterosexual sexual expression. How many of senior and elder women and men are enjoying in same-sex expression? I’ll suppose we’ll probably never know.

The University of Chicago survey also found that sexual activity is closely tied to overall health. No surprise there. As the respondents’ health declined after age 70, so did the frequency of sexual activity, particularly for women. And those who remained sexually active reported an increase in sex related concerns, like diminished libido (43% of women), vaginal dryness (39% of women) or erectile dysfunction (37% of men).

The life-affirming news is that despite the toll age assesses on one’s body, many respondents remained sexually active despite health issues. For example, 50% of the couples under the age of 75, who remained sexually active, reported engaging in oral sex. More than half of men and a quarter of women, regardless if they had a sexual partner or not, said they masturbated.

In light of these findings, I suggest that we older adults consider our sex lives when considering any medical or therapeutic intervention. We ought consider how medical and pharmaceutical therapies will affect our sexual response. Because if we aren’t our own advocates, it’s clear to me that we can’t look to physicians, therapists or policymakers to have our best interests in mind.

This University of Chicago study underscores what most of us seniors and elders already know; those who interact with us remain ignorant to the problems age and disease processes have on our sex life. But if we’re not talking with them about these issues, then we are as much to blame.

This report provides a wakeup call; each of us must be more proactive in our medical and clinical decision-making, because the best medicine is practiced collaboratively—by you and your doctor. And breaking open this important conversation is the first step.

“Building towards commitment is just very meaningful.”

 Posted by on April 3, 2011
Apr 032011
 

By Katie Diamond

Today, L and I taught a workshop entitled “Sexual Encounters of the Comic Kind.” It’s a story-telling/educational workshop on negotiating safer sex for female-bodied folks, with my comic art helping along the narration. We’ve been teaching this workshop for several years now, and we like to drop into our stories that we’re polyamorous, because–inevitably–during the question-and-answer session, audience members want to know more. I’ve been approached by many a college student about how to open their relationship.

Similarly, at the end of this session, the Q&A was filled with a variety of questions, and a relatively large segment of them pertained to polyamory. One particular questioner was curious about the respect our polyamory entails, whether it can exist at all, and how. Our usual answer was given: for us, respect is about being heard, being a good listener, and constantly being emotionally-ready for potentially hard discussions. I believed we handled this question thoroughly.

After we started closing up the workshop, however, the questioner approached me. She was not entirely convinced that my relationship was respectful. About two minutes into our one-on-one, I knew what I was dealing with. We’ve all had these conversations–you know, where it’s not a conversation at all, but someone exploiting your time for the sake of demeaning what you stand for. She didn’t come to talk WITH me. She came to talk AT me.

“I just don’t understand how polyamory can be respectful. I mean–how old are you? Oh, you’re still in your twenties–of course you want to date around! But in the end, it’s just much more respectful to really settle down and give yourself fully to your partner, you know? Building towards that commitment is just very meaningful.”

When I finally got a word in edgewise, I explained that my relationship with L IS committed, and meaningful. That we’ve been together for five years, and that we live together–if you need those modifiers. That we work together constantly to become better as individuals, and as a couple, and that our polyamory is a facet of our relationship–not some add-on because we’re young and bored. And that even though there are hard feelings sometimes, there are hard feelings in every relationship!

“Oh, but what about when you’re left home alone? What if he decides to not come home because he’s on a date?”

“Well, we negotiate that…,” I said. “We check in. If I was, you know, out with friends and wanted to stay out later than I intended, I can do that.”

“Oh. So you’d leave him home alone and lonely.”

I frowned. Oh, I thought, so this is more about leaving a partner alone while someone is off gallivanting around having fun. The typical hetero-sexist dichotomy that there’s always someone, most likely a wife, at home tearfully cleaning the kitchen floor while the husband is off drinking or screwing around.

“No… I mean.” I didn’t know how to say: Well, we’re not attached at the hip, so I can do whatever I want. And I didn’t want to say: What makes you think that one of us is always pining away at home for the other? And I definitely didn’t want to get into the intricacies of how being queer means I don’t have the dominant heterosexual, heteronormative paradigm that tells me that the only way to exist in this world is to build a life with only one person, with a house, and 2.5 kids, and a dog. Not that there’s anything wrong with that paradigm. Instead, I said:

“Well. I’d call to let him know I was staying out. You know. To check in. See how he’s doing.”

Brilliant, Diamond. Good job challenging her incredibly problematic views on polyamory. Taking this answer as some sort of ending to our conversation, my interrogator left.

Once she exited out the double doors, I let go of the increasing grumpy feelings I was having. There was no point. The one thing I’ve learned from teaching about taboo topics is that, in the end, the nature of how people respond is more about THEM than me. What this person thinks of me really doesn’t change how I’m going to exist and go about my life. She, obviously, feels lonely. Or has historically felt lonely in her relationships. Whatever the reality, it is HER reality, not mine.

Rolling with it

 Posted by on March 30, 2011
Mar 302011
 

By Rayne

In the beginning of our relationship, we were monogamous. M wanted to keep me to himself, and I wasn’t able to deal with my significant other having sex or a relationship with someone else. You see, I was just out of an extremely emotionally and physically abusive relationship, and one of the weapons in my ex’s arsenal was cheating.

M and I were both okay with the situation until M introduced me to ”A”, a woman he’d been in and out of an internet romance with for years. It was lust at first conversation. I was smitten. Yet, I had a hard time reconciling being married and having a relationship with someone outside of my marriage. Even when all parties were involved with full knowledge and agreement. Probably the influence of a strict Christian upbringing.

I won’t lie. I still feel like I was pressured into giving polyamory a go. I consented to trying long before I was ready. That’s partly my fault, though. M was willing to wait till I was ready, and didn’t really care if A got tired of waiting. What’s made to be will find a way. Oddly enough, me not being ready had nothing to do with the relationship’s demise. And when it was over, I didn’t chalk it up to polyamory being a shitty gig. Instead, I acknowledged the fact that A just wasn’t the one for us, and went into the next attempt with a more open mind.

Eventually, M and I decided that it was only right, him being the owner, that he be allowed to have sex or a relationship with whoever he wanted, as long as he’s up front about it. By that time, I had begun to understand that it wasn’t about me not fulfilling him, so much as it was about living up to the vow I’d made: that he was in total control, and could do whatever he wanted.

But… what about me?

I had permission to ask permission to sleep with whoever I wanted, but he got to decide. And until recently, we were both okay with that, too. Though I’ll admit, I didn’t take advantage of it, really.

Not too long ago, M and I went through a rather rough patch. When we came out of it, we decided to take polyamory off the table until we got our shit straight. We weren’t actively looking for anyone, anyway, so it’s not like it changed much. And bringing someone else into our already rocky relationship wasn’t the best idea. But we left the door open just in case one or both of us changed our minds.

The other day, M told me he’s not overly fond of the idea of another man having sex with me. He said as he gets older, he’s becoming more territorial. And that at least for now, he wants me to himself. He doesn’t want me to hide my attraction to other men, and if there’s someone I’d like him to consider, I’m still supposed to ask. But more likely than not, the answer will be no. Unless something changes again.

Oddly enough, I’m okay with it. I’m not really interested in chasing other tail. Except, perhaps, another woman. And what’s funny is the yoyoing (for this isn’t the first time he’s changed his mind) doesn’t really bother me. I’m pretty good at rolling with the punches.

It’s still weird, for me, though, being with someone who gets jealous of my interactions with other men. Not the kind of jealousy that sends people into insane rages, mind. Just the healthy kind. Most of my exes puffed up all proud at the idea of some other person wanting me. Being jealous never crossed their mind.

Sometimes it frustrates me. I have a tendency to make assumptions, instead of asking him, and I assume his jealousy is a testament to his ability to trust me. But the other day, we talked it out, and I realized that while he is, sometimes, just as insecure as I am, his fear of losing me to someone else is about his opinion of himself, and not his perception of my loyalty. And even though knowing he trusts me makes me feel a little better about the situation, I still feel like I’m failing him because he doesn’t know he is my world. Which is hard, and sort of depressing. And reminds me that while it’s okay to cruise along on autopilot sometimes, you still have to actively show your partner where he or she stands.

See Through Me: Painter Audrey Kawasaki

 Posted by on March 26, 2011
Mar 262011
 

By Erin Fae

You cannot just look away from one of Audrey Kawasaki’s paintings. The women in her paintings stare you down and beg you to come close. You have to move slowly from their eyes to their lips to the other details in the paintings before you can truly draw yourself away. Even then, these works will probably stick with you.

Painter Audrey Kawasaki was born in America to Japanese parents. Though she grew up in Los Angeles, she has always been immersed in Japanese and American culture, and feels that both places make up her identity. The same bicultural identity seems to be present in her art. Elements in her more recent paintings draw from folklore and traditions, both from the East and the West. Kawasaki often says she is heavily inspired by Japanese manga comics and the voluptuous stylings of Art Nouveau.

Kawasaki’s pieces are primarily wood panels painted with thin layers of oil and applied graphite. The surface and textures of the wood are always accessible in these pieces. Her women seem to emerge and disappear into the natural lines of the wood. These organic lines make the already seductive work even more alluring. The woods natural color may become hair or skin tone, the grain the pattern of a dress. Only certain features—usually eyes and mouths and breast—are heightened to painterly opacity.

Personally, I want the women in these works to tell me their secrets. With parted wet lips and eyes that stare you down, nude bodies or barely-there clothes that could fall off at a whim, Kawasaki’s women are intensely erotic. While she incorporates some backgrounds and symbols, the women are truly the stars of these paintings. Some of the works could even be considered sparse, featuring only the ghost of a woman against the wood. In Asobiba (Playground), two women with pert breasts and slender hands play in a Sapphic moment. In Migawari (To Give Oneself), a woman about to give herself over to an implied lover lies among many outlined flowers, her hair disheveled. In the haunting Saying Goodbye, a young woman wearing a camisole walks through floating signs with Japanese words and lanterns, giving a look back over her shoulder.

The world that Audrey Kawasaki paints feels like it could evaporate off the surface at any moment, leaving you with only natural wood grain and a curiosity about those intense expressions.

Note: I chose to write about Audrey Kawasaki this month because, like so many, Japan is on my mind. If you like this work, I suggest following Kawaski on Twitter (@AudreyKawasaki). There, she recently linked to an art auction she is participating in whose proceeds will benefit the Red Cross.

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Single, searching submissive

 Posted by on March 25, 2011
Mar 252011
 

By Sarah Sloane

Dear Sarah,

Last year in your column, you wrote about what a dominant should look for when screening potential submissives. As a submissive, I find that there are a lot of people out there that are looking for someone to be submissive for them, but I have trouble narrowing down the people who are serious about it from the people that aren’t. Can you give me some ideas for what to look for when looking for a dominant?

Signed – Single, searching submissive

Dear Single,

Oy, the challenges with finding a dominant! Between the “Kneel now!” crowd and the “I am a true dominate!” folks, it’s hard to find the people who are looking for the same type of relationship that you are – and can deliver on it. Anyone can be whoever they want to be online; given enough time and copy editing, anyone can make themselves sound pretty impressive (and conversely, pretty awful), so reading between the lines and getting to know someone one-on-one are the primary skills to build.

First off – what do they say about themselves and their experience as a dominant? It’s far more positive for someone to say that they’re a novice dominant who is willing to learn than it is for them to say that they have experience but, when queried about it, avoid details. If they’ve been active in the community for any reasonable amount of time, someone must know them; in almost every case I can think of, a responsible person is happy to give you references. And while there are a number of people out there with over 20 years in the scene, claiming it without supporting information should be a red flag in your evaluations.

While there is no universal protocol on how a dominant should behave with others, there are some qualities that people who responsibly wield power will exhibit in their conversations and dealings with others. A sense of fairness is one; most dominants I know will allow for the fact that they may be wrong, and will be willing to be corrected on facts that they’ve misstated. They also avoid pulling “power plays” regardless of the level of power or social “importance” of the person with whom they’re speaking, and they are not big proponents of passive-aggressive behavior as a way to get what they want.

A dominant who’s looking for a submissive should know (or at least, be willing to talk through) what it is that they want, and how they envision a working D/s relationship. They should also be willing to give you the information that they ask from you while still maintaining appropriate boundaries (and encouraging you to maintain yours). They should be able to tell you how much time & energy that they have to invest in your relationship with them, so that you can make sure that you both are on the same page. Finally, they should be clear about other partners that they have in their lives, as well as what agreements they have with those people regarding new partners.

All of this, of course, presupposes that you know what YOU are looking for! Take some time before reaching out or responding to requests to determine what you want and need from a relationship; often, if we wait until we’re engaged in negotiation with someone enticing, we will alter our own goals and hopes in order to more fully match with theirs. By firming up what we desire before that, we can better make sure that we’re able to communicate them effectively (and make our decisions in a self-aware, conscientious manner).

Young, Pretty and Infertile: Anti-Oxidants and Your Sexual Health

 Posted by on March 23, 2011
Mar 232011
 

By T.M. Bernard

It’s a sexual health conundrum for consumers of antioxidant-rich foods, drinks and facial products: What’s good for your skin may be scrambling your eggs. If babies are in your future, pay attention to the recent health news about popular ingredients in your beverages and cosmetics.

“Common antioxidants, including vitamins C and E, neutralize the “reactive oxygen species” molecules our bodies sometimes overproduce in reaction to stress. It seems only logical to keep these reactive oxygen molecules at bay, because an overabundance of them leads to inflammation and cell damage.

However, when Dekel and her research team in the Biological Regulation Department applied antioxidants to the ovaries of female mice, they discovered that significantly fewer eggs were released from the ovarian follicles in comparison to the amount released by untreated ovaries.

Was it possible, they wondered, that the process of ovulation might actually rely on “harmful” reactive oxygen species molecules?”

Dekel and her associates decided to test this hypothesis in female mice. They treated one group of female mice with luteinizing hormone (LH), a hormone released by the pituitary gland that is necessary for ovulation to occur, and another group with hydrogen peroxide, H2O2, a reactive oxygen species. “…H2O2 fully mimicked the effect of LH, bringing about an extensive mucification/expansion of the follicle-enclosed cumulus–oocyte complexes,” wrote the researchers in the abstract published in The Proceedings of the National Academy of Science.

In other words, hydrogen peroxide induced ovulation in the mice as effectively as the naturally occurring hormone, suggesting that the oxidative process is necessary for healthy fertility.

One process – inflammation – and two outcomes: aging and ovulation. According to Israel 21c, Dekel and her team plan to “investigate the exact mechanics of antioxidants in relation to ovulation and to examine their effect on mice when administered in either food or drink. In addition, they plan to collect human data on the possible link between antioxidant supplements and difficulty conceiving.”

Alternatives to Birth Control?
Future research may also include the application of antioxidants as contraception. “On the one hand, these findings could prove useful to women who are having trouble getting pregnant,” said Dekel. “On the other, further studies might show that certain antioxidants might be effective means of birth control that could be safer than today’s hormone-based [pregnancy] prevention.”

Eco-sexuality author and advocate, Stefanie Iris Weiss, has noted many of those safety concerns in her 2010 publication, Eco-Sex: Go Green Between the Sheets and Make your Love Life Sustainable .

Challenges from the overuse of hormones in humans and agriculture include the proliferation of these substances in our waterways, the feminization of males in certain animal species, and the precocious puberty in children, and enlarged breast size among women.

Tinamarie is a regular contributor to Fearlesspress.com. She tweets at @ModernLoveMuse and blogs at www.tinamariebernard.com

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