Taking Sarah Sloane’s Advice

 Posted by on January 2, 2011
Jan 022011
 

By Indigo

One of the most amazing things about being in a strong, poly community is having other couples that are dealing with the same relationship issues you are. I don’t just write for Fearless Press; I read their wide array of articles when I am struggling somewhere in my poly relationship. Sarah Sloane is not only a writer and pioneer in the poly community but someone who my partner and I have spent some great times with. When I saw her most recent advice in her last post “Complicated Polyamory”, my heart almost stopped. My partner and I are going through a similar situation as advice seeker “SaD-FAMILY”.

During a break-up with V, I dated a woman who I still have significant feelings for. This woman and I had a rocky past but recently began seeing each other on a casual basis to begin to work through some of our past heart aches. I’ve been seeing her for the past few months and it is causing some tension between V and I. My partner is not too fond of this other woman for some valid reasons but I still have feelings for her. This has been hard for me to talk about, so reluctantly, I read Sarah Sloane’s article.

One piece of advice that really stood out to me was that we are only responsible for our own actions. I realized that it is my job to be responsible for how I act on my feelings. I’m also responsible for listening to my partners wants, needs and conformability and making decisions about my actions based on my commitment to her. In the past few months, there have been moments I have not been responsible. I didn’t come home when I said I would, I lost communication, I did something that I said I would not do. These actions broke agreements my partner and I made. Seeing the look on V’s face when I don’t honor my word hurts my heart. It’s her big puppy dog eyes and her pouty lips that tell me I have hurt her feelings. I get the impact and remember I have to honor my word for myself and for V.

Another piece of advice that struck me was setting my own limits and writing them down. Something I struggle with is setting my own boundaries and remembering what I am committed to having in my relationship with my partners. If what I want does not align with the person I have feelings for, its time for me to re-evaluate that relationship and see if putting time and effort into is helping or hurting me. Writing these limits down is a reminder of my boundaries when I get caught up in the emotions.

Poly relationships, emotions, creating boundaries, and responsibility can all be scary things to talk about. My advice to anyone who is starting a polyamorous relationship is to find a good community of people who really care about their relationships and are willing to share their poly struggles with you. I’m leaving this article confronted but ready to face my relationship head on because of my fierce love for my partner and my expanding love for myself.

Thanks Sarah Sloane

The law: unenforced, and (un)civil.

 Posted by on January 1, 2011
Jan 012011
 

By Brian Flaherty

Unless you’ve been asleep for the past month, you’ve noticed that the military’s ludicrous “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy has finally been repealed. This repeal has been the topic of many a heated discussion lately – though the heat hasn’t been what you’d anticipate if you have spend any time listening to John McCain. Most lawyer/military folk I’ve talked to are supremely irritated that we’ve wasted so much time on this; consensus is that the government should just do the right thing and move on. However, a fair number have echoed the sentiments of a friend, ex-(insert branch of service here), who said “what drives me crazy is that the law is so uneven. I know there have been people kicked out of the service for disclosing – I get that, and it sucks. But when I was in, there were a bunch of people who were gay, and everybody knew it, and everybody was OK with it – it wasn’t this huge problem it’s made to be.”

After I got over my initial shock that the written law is not always the enforced law, I thought a bit about what the law says vs. what is actually considered illegal. For entertainment, I sometimes recite chapter and verse the unenforced laws in Massachusetts (did you know that anyone convicted of Blasphemy in the Massachusetts can be legally “bound to good behavior?” Delicious, isn’t it!). But this is a parlor game. Unenforced criminal laws can create real problems for people outside of the criminal justice system. For example, for many years (before Lawrence v. Texas), “unenforced” sodomy laws were cited as one of the main legal reasons for prohibiting gay parenting. The most infamous recent case of this was the custody battle of Sharon Bottoms, a lesbian mom in Virginia. In that case, the court awarded custody of Sharon Bottoms’ child to the grandmother; the court wrote: “Conduct inherent in lesbianism is punishable as a Class 6 felony in the Commonwealth, Code § 18.2-361 [Virginia’s sodomy law]; thus, that conduct is another important consideration in determining custody.” Bottoms v. Bottoms, 457 S.E.2d 102 at 108. This despite the fact that the sodomy law in Virginia hadn’t been used since 1923. Worse still, in Pennsylvania a court once determined that although at the time Pennsylvania had abolished their sodomy laws, a lesbian mother should be denied custody of her child because, even though Pennsylvania had repealed its sodomy law, she might be arrested if she ever traveled to a state that did have a sodomy law on the books.

Gratefully, sodomy laws are a thing of the past. But there are still criminal laws that, while unenforced as criminal laws, rear their ugly heads in other contexts. Among them are what the prone-to-panic refer to as the “Law against BDSM” – the public policy based law that consent is no defense to assault, even in the context of a BDSM relationship. Now whenever you talk about consent, law, and BDSM, people divide themselves into two camps: those who insist that the mantra: “consent is no defense to assault” is an urban myth, and those who believe there’s a great legal roundup of moral impurity afoot and that our community is next. Neither is true: regarding the first, the Supreme Judicial Court of Massachusetts just decided a case on December 14, 2010 where they held that “Where a defendant’s touching is physically harmful, the victim’s consent is immaterial, for purposes of determining whether defendant has committed intentional assault and battery” 458 Mass 526 at 529 Regarding the second, well, if there was such a legal push to incarcerate the kinky, we would never be able to organize fairs, fleamarkets and festivals around consensual flogging. The truth tends to be more nuanced than what you read on the internet.

While criminal prosecutions for consensual BDSM are rare, many of the things we do – the “touching [that] is physically harmful” – constitute criminal assault. Nevertheless, few if any of us have ever done time for consensual assault. But while these laws may be unenforced as criminal laws, they can still be used in a civil context. As happened with sodomy laws in the past, a devious family court judge might use these “unenforced” laws as a means to deny custody or visitation to a kinky parent. They might be used to try to justify employment or housing discrimination. These things happen to people we know and love: check out NCSF’s survey of violence and discrimination of sexual minorities; read the survey analysis and the victims’ stories. Do you think that such things would happen as readily if there were no legal basis for believing that sado-masochistic sex was illegal?

So you look around and count the number of people you know who could be convicted of assault for spanking, flogging, bondage, some kind of play that could be “physically harmful” – I suspect it’s a good number – and then you count the ones who have been convicted of assault for consensual BDSM – I suspect it’s zero. And you conclude that although assault laws could be used against your community, it never ever happens; they are unenforced, and so they don’t matter. Think again. Unused criminal laws rear their ugly heads in unexpected places where they are used to justify discrimination and worse. (check out Undead Laws: The Use of Historically Unenforced Criminal Statutes in Non-Criminal Litigations. “But those laws are never used” was no excuse to stop fighting sodomy laws, and it’s no excuse to stop fighting laws that criminalize consensual BDSM.

I Am Who I AM

 Posted by on December 31, 2010
Dec 312010
 

By Shanna Katz

When I lived in Denver, I was lucky enough to be a fairly active member of the thriving kink community – multiple dungeons, in a kink family, throwing my own queer and women/trans play parties. At times, I was an anomaly in certain spaces; a queer woman who didn’t identify 100% as anything other than queer. For certain activities (like fire play!), I would bottom to certain people, including cisgender men. For many other activities, I was Ms. Top; creating piñatas to beat up, tickling little girls (adults playing little girls), delivering firm spankings. I am a pervert, and have fun with various aspects of kink.

However, upon my move, and my travels where I come into contact with kinky people and communities around the country, it seems as though my identity is questioned more and more. Upon meeting people, I’m often questioned as to whether I identify as a top or bottom, submissive or dominant, pet or owner. Sometimes the term “switch” is bandied about, but often with a negative air attached to it.

When I would bring my partner to events, we are almost always queried as to who is in charge of who, which one of us is the owner, who is the Mistress.

And you know what? It drives me crazy that in this context of constantly changing identities, relationships and fetishes (you know Ms. X was mentoring sub V in blood play last week, and now she’s a kitty belonging to Sir Y, but likes to give Miss O spankings at play parties) that we are so dependent on definitions. Why are we attached to this?

Now, I discuss this outside of High Protocol. If you or someone you love is into that, then I support High Protocol dinners, parties, families and events for which identity is absolutely crucial for how you will interact with someone. However, when attending a Kinky Karnival or an open play party, I shouldn’t be bombarded with questions as to my proper place in the power play queue.

Why? Because while I have spend time identifying as a Domme, as a submissive, as a kitty, as a nanny, as a top and more, I currently don’t identify as any. I am a kinkster, or a pervert. Your choice. I like to play with who I like to play with, and our roles may change depending on my feelings, the day, or my outfit.

My interactions are based on connecting as people; I will greet each and every person with a friendly smile, and then, once I’ve gotten to know them and what they attach importance to, only then will I start discussing their identity and roles within the kink community.

You don’t have to identify as any specific role, title or honorific to be kinky; you only need to have interested in kink/BDSM/fetishes and be respectful. When we put so much importance on roles, we force people into boxes that don’t fit them, and we scare people away from kink because they don’t identify in a role, and feel like they don’t fit in the community.

Year of the Queer: Glee, Dan Savage, Jane Lynch, and Newsweek

 Posted by on December 28, 2010
Dec 282010
 

By Viola

He created the ‘It Gets Better’ video campaign. She stars in ‘Glee,’ the gayest show in the history of network TV. So we thought: who better to ask about the gay lay of the land?

—Newsweek

The most recent issue of Newsweek (December 23rd, 2010, “The Interview Issue”) had a few covers. I don’t necessarily know if I would have read it had Jane Lynch not been on the front of the magazine that was in my parent’s kitchen when I arrived home for the holidays. I have long been a fan of Newsweek– my father has had a subscription for as long as I can remember, and while most issues eventually find their way to the recycling bin, it is not uncommon to suddenly uproot a 1998 issue on the stack of light reading on the corner of my parents infrequently used bathtub.

I like Jane Lynch. Even more than her cunning bully character, Sue Sylvester (FOX’s ‘Glee’), I love her interview in Newsweek with Dan Savage. Savage and Lynch were interviewed by Newsweek to talk about gay rights, specifically the state of gay rights over the past year and the current state of queer issues now.

The tone is light – nestled between interviews with Bill Gates about the U.S.’s much needed changes in the education system and with Feisal Abdul Rauf’s discussing the Islamic education center a few blocks from ground zero, Dan Savage and Jane Lynch’s conversation is uncharacteristically tongue-in-cheek for a publication like Newsweek, which usually doesn’t include the bits of conversation with interviewees referring to Antonin Scalia as a “cocksucker.”

And yet somehow in discussing why the material is fit to print, in a very painterly way the reason for the moments of absurdity (“there’s no gay way to change diapers” says Savage, on parenting) is delivered to the reader within its text. While not necessarily true, Savage points toward the idea that “between Glee and Ellen, the culture wars are over.” The bottom line, according to Jane Lynch and Dan Savage, is that we now live in a country where straight people post “it gets better” videos and take an active part in trying to stop queer oppression, especially when that oppression is in the form of bullying or denying basic human rights. To be gay is no longer a disease.

The interview was only partially concerning pressing issues like Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell and gay marriage, and performed as a much needed relief from the battle cry of most queer activism. The issues facing the government regarding queers are as absurd as some of Savage’s comments and Lynch’s agreements. Of course the need for a somber queer politic and respectful, educated discourse needs to continue, but what is more marvelous than a well-penned letter to the editor is that Newsweek, the same publication that gives the politician of the hour an arrow rating (up, down, or sideways) is willing to publish an article that demonstrates with a sharp intelligence that the lack of equal rights for queers in this country is abhorrent, bordering on ridiculous.

It amazes me that a television show that has only two out gay characters is the gayest show on TV. I am more amazed that think this is progress; we no longer exist in a vacuum. We are no longer a niche that needs to be hidden. Even after The L Word, Will & Grace, and Queer as Folk, perhaps Glee is the gayest show on TV because it sheds light on some of the most culturally common, daily experiences of openly gay people who are not glamorously sipping cosmos in Los Angeles with their super cool pixie-cut donning lesbian friends, or living a shallow stereotype in New York City as an affluent, ditzy white man whose primary concerns include fashion and a fag hag. Glee, in all of its saccharine, smoothie-in-the-face, Wednesday night on FOX glory can be deemed the gayest show on television because it demonstrates a politic that is concerned with the painfully mundane and seemingly trivial aspects of a queer existence that are too often overlooked.

It is, perhaps, a good time to be queer.

The interview following it was with Nicole “Snookie” Polizzi, discussing her surprising friendship with John McCain.

The interview can be found at:

http://www.newsweek.com/2010/12/20/dan-savage-and-jane-lynch.html

Key to Living a Thrilling Life

 Posted by on December 24, 2010
Dec 242010
 

By Leah Shapiro

People tell me all the time that I am interesting.

Mind you, these are typically people who live “normal”, mainstream lives. They have regular jobs, watch a lot of TV and are busy trying to keep up with everyone else. There’s a lot of the same-old-same-old going on in their daily lives as they try to fit into the pre-packaged world.

I always ask them, “What makes me so interesting?” and I get a similar answer every time. People are intrigued by my lifestyle: I am always doing something new and hanging out with exciting, cutting-edge people. I go to fun and funky events to which they wish they got invited. And, they find that I hold a unique perspective.

The biggest thing that interests them is that I do what I want in my life. They express a desire for all of the cool and exciting things that I experience but seems unavailable to them.

But, you know what?

This same fun and excitement is available to everyone! I’m nothing special. I just know the key to living a thrilling life. And I will let you in on my secret: Get to know your Inner-Freak.

We all have one. It’s that part of you that craves something different. It wants to try all kinds of funky stuff and be a bit wild. Your inner-freak knows what will make your life fun and exciting, and it is committed to feeling good. It books your vacations, buys tickets to go see the Slutcracker and wants to go to the Sex Museum. It’s the part of you that wants to try some bondage in the bedroom, and just knows that you will love the feeling of that latex dress you saw at the Fetish Flea Market. It also advises you to follow your dreams and whispers, “You can do it,” in your ear.

Because of this, your inner-freak knows where your happiness and success can be found. It brings your own one-of-a-kind perspective to the world and does not care what everyone else thinks you should be doing. It’s what makes you different, unique and allows you to stand out from the crowd. It also knows the fastest route to your Kick-Ass Life.

This magical life compass is right there waiting for you to release it. All you have to do is be willing to take a chance and let it out to play! It’s sad and lonely when you lock it away, but that is exactly what so many people have been doing for far too long! Now is the perfect time to make friends with your Inner-Freak and allow it to teach you all it knows about what will make your life Kick-Ass.

Here are some simple ways to let your Inner-Freak out to play:

1. Give yourself permission to be different and go your own way. Your Inner-Freak knows exactly what is unique and special about you, but because you have ignored it for so long, it needs your permission to come out and show you the way.

2. Break out of the daily grind and boring routines by doing one thing different every day. Your Inner-Freak hates your mindless routine! It’s so boring! Shake things up a bit everyday to keep yourself engaged and interested. Try a new drink at Starbucks, wear a fancy pair of panties to work or drive to work a different way.

3. Create quiet space to connect with your Inner-Freak. It has a wealth of information to share, but it is vitally important that you create some space to listen to it. Sit quietly every day, go for a walk without the i-pod, journal, make art, or whatever feels good to you.

4. Expand your horizons. Go to Burning Man, check out a cool new Meet-Up Group and meet some new people, do some research on the web about the place you always wanted to go, or explore a new part of the city. See what catches your eye. This is your Inner-Freak showing you the way.

5. Give yourself permission to explore everything that is appealing to you – especially if you told yourself you can’t or shouldn’t do it. (Let’s be clear, I’m not talking about going out and drinking a whole bottle of tequila.) I do encourage you to give yourself permission to explore your dream of being a doula, or give up your business in order to take that teaching job that sounds like a blast. If something is appealing to you, explore it and try it on for size. The fact that it is appealing is your Inner-Freak telling you that there is something there for you.

Try a few of these things out and let me know what happens by leaving a comment below!

The seductive art of John Currin

 Posted by on December 23, 2010
Dec 232010
 

By Erin Fae

John Currin is one of contemporary art’s hip Americans. One of the most famous painters working today, his explicitly erotic pieces garner international attention. Currin uses everything from old Playboys and 1970s Danish porn to B-movies and classic painting as his source material. But what’s really notable about Currin is the mastery with which he paints.

A figurative painter, his works are in the style of the Renaissance masters. Using classic techniques (and sometimes settings), much of his work subverts the genre by depicting graphic sexuality. The characters in his paintings posses a softness and sensuality, but most are also somewhat exaggerated. Often, there is something grotesque about the features, body or proportions. A woman may have supple skin, a sensuous belly, but breasts that defy all gravity and direction. A piece may feature a luscious womanly shape, but a face with features that are all but repulsive. The works are undeniably erotic, but perhaps not sexy.

Many have suggested that Currin objectifies and dislikes women. Is this because of the mixture of the beautiful and the grotesque? Or is it merely because of the subject matter? It’s the same dismissive argument used against pornography, without considering the individual works or films.

I’m still not sure if I like Currin’s work, but I am interested by it, intrigued, even; and also, by him as a person. In interviews, he presents himself as an intelligent, thoughtful man who is devoted to his family, especially to his wife whose luminous face often makes appearances in his work. I find I am drawn to the idea of him, even if I am not sure I like his art.

Currin just had a new show at New York City’s well-known Gagosian Gallery. The works featured are the sort that have made Currin famous, though this time, men are much ignored, and we see more sapphic twosomes and threesomes. For the first time I have a crush on one of Currin’s women. She’s sublime, draped in a sheer black robe, has delicious pert breasts and a string of pearls wrapped around her wrist. But if you look closely, you can see that there’s still something strange about her face. Currin has said that these women only exist in his painting. If that’s true, please, paint me in.

Community [kuh-myoo-ni-tee] -noun

 Posted by on December 22, 2010
Dec 222010
 

By AliceSin Aerie

Community [kuh-myoo-ni-tee] -noun

1. a social, occupational, or other group sharing common characteristics or interests and perceived or perceiving itself as distinct in some respect from the larger society within which it exists

I’m dropping the word “community” from my lingo in reference to the kink/sexuality based social strata. I’ve been unsettled with the term for awhile and though it doesn’t chafe me with a cheese grater like “lifestyle” it’s really getting up there in irritation factor. The network of individuals we typically refer to as “the community” fails to be one. It’s not “distinct from society at large” in very fundamental aspects. Most notably it’s exactly the same sort of survivalist social environment one would find in a school sand box. (You know the one that the neighborhood cats pee in, but the bullies still make the other kids eat the sand? Yeah that one.)

Apart from the technical definition it is the spirit of community at which we also fail. There is little of the implied network of support available. The number of individuals looking to exercise their demons rather than exorcise them multiplies by the day. Individuals creating situations that cause events & organizations to shutter their doors are on the rise. As are the number of individuals who wish to resolve their repeated personal crises via pleas to their peers for money.

Blame the internet, blame the “next generation,” the “old guard” or our culture producing more sociopaths – blame whoever the fuck you want, these are human failings. These are failings which we are all apt to commit. For every one person looking to feed their need for drama or nurture assorted other vices there are many more who are in genuine need of support.

If you think back to Psych 101, you’ll remember Maslow’s Hierarchy of Human Needs. Right after we need to be fed, sheltered & safe from danger, we need to belong. If we can’t belong we can’t progress any further no matter what talent or aspirations live in us. The “It Gets Better” campaign exists for LGBT youth because we have seen time and time again that these young people who feel they do not belong need to belong in order to survive. It’s that that important. For many, finding a sense of belonging is no harder than stepping onto a curb, for others it seems like they are standing at the foot of a mountain.

I took a very casual poll on Twitter recently by throwing out my theory that there isn’t one person in this “community” who hasn’t felt victimized, abused or wrongly accused. Two people replied and told me they felt otherwise. Two.

You may be questioning how this fits into a column about etiquette. Quite well – it’s our behavior creating hostile situations & behavior we can change. We need to start asking ourselves who we are impacting & why before we speak/write/act. Are we making an effort to contribute constructively or are we feeding the drama monster? Are we supporting a cause we believe in because we have done our homework or are we being manipulated? Are we telling someone off because they need to learn they’ve overstepped our boundaries or because we are having a knee-jerk reaction to a personal trigger? Are we triaging situations appropriately so that others do not suffer as we carry out a personal agenda?

I look at public forums & organizations and we’re not choosing to act as if we want to contribute, believe in one another, accept or protect one another. We are not a community, but we could be.

Interview with Michael Sol

 Posted by on December 20, 2010
Dec 202010
 

By Julian Wolf

Michael Sol is a versatile artist based out of California. He is known for several kinds of work, and his reputation for forms such as bondage, photography and artistic cutting precede him in different parts of the country.

We sat down to talk about the various forms of artistic mediums that he works with and how art affects different aspects of his life.

Is there a specific aspect of art that speaks to you?

“The fact that art is organic touches a chord with me. In fact there are different chords that bring out different melodies and sometimes symphonies. People are often part of my art as participants, subjects, models, objects, and on. They happen to be organic as well and at times I chose a person as a canvas or inspiration and therefore the substance of the art I do depends a great deal on who this canvas and human is. Sometimes I will see a form and desire to use it or an idea in many forms of art, often in manners regenerative.

On a personal level my art can depend on others or not. At times there is a solitary chord and my work is introspective and searching. In some expressions it is a pianissimo in minor, and others it is a bold forte to make a statement. This art is sometimes held close, maybe even jealously. It is the “me” within and often what is hidden. Big and small it incorporates things I love, desire, and am afraid of.

I challenge things I am afraid of. This sometimes brings me to edgier more challenging expressions. Often I speak of power in art, yet what is interesting is that vulnerability is often revealed. Different mediums fit different expressions and what is more important to me is the true of what I desire to express than how. To be really open and exposed is amazing in art. It is at times liberating, and most often frightening. On the other side good result or bad, freedom is waiting; or is it? Despite my fear these are things I must know.”

Some of your work is collaborative. Do you have a favorite person to work with?

“The person I collaborate most with has been my girl katey. In fact she was the reason I began many of the paths I have received acknowledgment for today. It is a shame people do not often see and get to share her energy. In part it is the energy that brought me to this place. Often the ideas and the art behind my expressions have been as much she as me. We are all in some part the sum of the people we collaborate with or who inspire us, and we need to acknowledge that.

My storyboards and inspirations begin with people and how they are as a society. Katey and I have an interest in history, art and culture. What is behind the art matters as much as the art or more. What arises from these interests becomes passion. Sure we do not always agree, but we push and inspire each other in our collaborative and individual art. What is found therein is a primary influence in my art and life. There are a number of people I collaborate with but this shows the potential as I see it the best.”

Do you have a goal with your art?

“In creating photographs, performance art, or in any media I seek to connect and gain a response. Even with in my self this is true. Some people and most artists explore self portraits. This does little for me. My portraits of self are found in any image or expression that I connect to, if it works well or not. No picture of me shows who I am and who I aspire to be more than the images seen through a lens, on canvas, or in performance. They are little pieces of my soul in the spiritual and emotional outlets which flow sacred and profane in my being. They do not seek the right way of being, but the mystery of my self, what I see, and what I connect with.”

What is your current focus?

“Today rope bondage is my most often used focus. The passion for rope as with most of my passions extends beyond the rope itself. I love everything that surrounds and is part or it. The origins of rope bondage in Japan and in many other cultures are an inspiration. Making the rope and being inspired by the cordage is basic. Rope is used in very culture, and in each formation it is very important to the development of culture. The fun thing is that at some point all cultures tie someone up. This is inspiring and sort of cool. In Japan rope bondage is a martial art, tool of war and public administration, and oh so many things. The passion for rope bondage in Japan is profound because it is in fact a rope culture that has been developed and intertwines with so many aspects of the people and society. Other countries are interesting as well, look at bondage in Germany and France today, and never forget our legacy from John Willie and his Bizarre magazine in America. He had a cross the oceans conversation in rope with the early developers of Kinbaku at Kitan Club Magazine that has influenced many on both sides of the pond. And the merit of his own work stands alone and influential as well.

What appeals to me about creating rope bondage itself is the simplicity in beginning and the connection. The rope I use most often is of natural fiber and therefore organic. The beginning is to simply have rope until I breathe life and purpose to it. To implement my intent, bringing the form and creating the connection between self, and my partner joined in the bondage. Then I can layer and add to the art of creation and the connection in the process. The process is natural and living. It is as much about breath, tone of voice and the touch of skin. It is a process that can recall the culture surrounding and invoke those who have come before. To see the tranquility of the Japanese Garden, taste the tea and the harmony of Chado, or to recall the stories and fables of the Sun Goddess Amaterasu. Even to hear in your head the grunts and feel the movement of the Kinbakushi, or invoke the damsels in distress and mischief of Irving Klaw. It is organic, connective, and about being human. Yes it is about respecting the artists of before, but also to add to the art from yourself and your union. To merely mimic has no soul.

When you are done, you have created, and that art, connection and experience lasts forever. Yet when it is undone, there is simply rope. That is a beautiful thing. It is the ultimate empty vessel, and it is the empty, rather than the full vessel that has the greatest potential; rope renews over and over. How cool is that?”

You can find Michael Sol and a gallery of his work on Fetlife

Rebuilding After Relationship Disasters

 Posted by on December 19, 2010
Dec 192010
 

By Indigo

Starting off poly in a committed relationship is not easy. Polyamory works differently for every couple and every individual. I’ve met many couples who share partners, couples who date others individually, and couples that play with others strictly at parties and events. All of these various dynamics are negotiated inside a committed relationship. And from personal experience, negotiating can be a challenge. It can feel like a whirlwind of emotions, conflicts, negotiating and self realization. As my partner and I begin to approach our third year together, I can finally look back at our disaster of a beginning and see what didn’t work. What sucks the most about looking back is confronting my own careless actions and taking responsibility for the past.

When my partner V and I started being poly, we had just gotten back together after a bad break up. I was excited to make the relationship work again but was still nervous about dealing with our issues from the past. We had both talked about being poly often and I thought that dating other people would give us the space to slowly get back into a groove that worked for us. But V was hesitant. She thought maybe we should wait until we’d been back together longer. The more she persisted, the more I started looking for women to date. I didn’t want to lose V but I wasn’t willing to put the work into making our relationship work before I started seeing other people.

My actions resulted in a yet another break-up. I met another woman and decided to devote my time to her. My dreams of being poly were shattered and I was convinced that I was too much of a lesbian to be poly. I fall in love easily, I get quickly enveloped in drama, I don’t like compromise and it’s hard for me to talk about my feelings. Without a willingness to compromise, successful negotiating is impossible. As I continued to date other women, V stayed by my side. She became my best friend, listened to all my lesbian drama and tried to move on.

I didn’t make it easy for her. I never stopped loving her so I sabotaged the relationships she formed so she wouldn’t leave me. I was shocked at the length I went to keep her around and date other people. I finally sat down and asked myself these questions: ‘What kind of relationship do I want?’ ‘What kind of person do I want to be?’ I realized that I was committed to having a poly relationship with a primary partner that I trusted fully and I wanted to be a woman who doesn’t have to manipulate her relationships to get what she wanted.

So I had to come clean to V, confessed to her all the drama I was solely responsible for and ask her forgiveness. It was clear to me that I needed to act differently if I really wanted to be in a good relationship. It took time for her to get comfortable again and I went to work at learning to communicate and listen with love and generosity. V noticed my efforts and began to trust me again. I turned into the woman I hoped to be: vulnerable and willing to love my partner and myself. And I am still doing that work daily.

My partner and I have since gotten back together and I moved in with her. We share partners and play with others together at events. We hope to soon have our own partners but for now, we are focusing on making our relationship stronger. I have learned that making compromises doesn’t necessarily mean making sacrifices. My partner and I are learning how we can both have what we want and respect each other in the process. Being poly strengthens our relationship, pushing us to communicate and listen to each other. We may have started out rocky but our love grows with our commitment to make it work.

Emulation vs. Imitation

 Posted by on December 18, 2010
Dec 182010
 

I’m standing in my closet, staring aimlessly, hoping that something new will magically appear. Something sexy; something special; something that makes them say wow! Yes, it’s that time again. I’m getting ready to go to a fetish event- a New Year’s fetish party. It’s gonna have to be awesome.

Unfortunately, my budget right now is anything but awesome. All of my pretty pennies have gone to Christmas presents and there is little left for pretty little things, much less a new corset. It’s time to get creative. Now, contrary to popular belief, I am anything but creative. Crafty, yes. Clever, maybe. But, creative, not so much. What I am really good at, if I do say so myself, is emulation.

What is emulation? Emulation – this is my version, screw Webster – is the process of taking an idea and making it your own. Webster suggests that emulation involves the desire to equal or excel others. It’s true that I may want to do it better, but what I really want to do is to do it my way; to make it mine; to own it; to make sure that no one says, “yeah, I saw that look in SKIN.”

Imitation, on the other hand, is what I refer to as copying a look…EXACTLY. My current favorite example of imitation? Every Jersey-girl running around the boardwalk trying to look like Kim Kardashian. These girls are not trying to take this look and make it their own; steal an idea and apply it to their repertoire; or pull off the feel of “I’m a hot slut and I’m confident in my sacred-whoredom” look. These girls are trying to be “Kim Kardashian.” News flash ladies: this job is already taken.

When my closet refuses to cooperate, as it often does, in magically producing something new and exciting I turn to my look book for some inspiration. My look book is simply a three-ring binder with top loading sheet protectors. Inside I keep magazine clippings, website articles, photos, how-tos, and anything else that I find inspiring.

Paging through the glossy sheets, I am searching for something that inspires me. A look, or a part of a look, that I can make my own; that speaks to how I am feeling about myself and the event I’m attending. When I find something that speaks to me, I employ a four part strategy to turn what may be a collage of random images into an amazing outfit that is all mine. My main objective is to remember that I am not, nor do I want to be, the size two model in the two thousand dollar latex outfit. I’m not that person. I am however a little steampunk, or a little gothic lolita; a little bitchy, a little butch; a little bit country…no wait … that’s a little bit rock and roll. Whatever I’m feeling at the moment, it is that FEELING that I am trying to emulate; not the woman that I’m trying to imitate.

Looking past the size two perfect body and the custom made fetish clothing can be daunting to say the least. Taking the time and effort to evaluate why I’m attracted to an outfit, a model, or “insert your inspiration here” is my key to avoiding imitation and succeeding at emulation. Most of my inspiration for fetish outfits in fact comes from totally vanilla places. An ad for Dior lipstick inspired my rose pedal mask at Valentine’s Day and the Victoria Secret Angel Wings inspired my little lingerie number for a recent Black & White Ball. A Victoria Secret model I am not and I had no desire to purchase, make or carry around four-foot wings. However, white faux fur, sparkles and feathers strategically added to white lingerie that I already owned created a magnificent piece for the party and cost me just $40 in supplies and a small headache from trying to figure out how to get the jewels to stick to my body all night.

Well it’s back to the drawing board – or in this case the look book – to come up with an amazing outfit for New Year’s. Stay tuned…..

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