Kink vs Guilt

 Posted by on October 11, 2010
Oct 112010
 

by Ms Selina Minx

Something which has been coming up a lot lately, is the issue of kink vs spirituality. Open sexuality in general stands in opposition of the Judeo-Christian-Muslim religious ethic, with it’s mostly guiltless enjoyment of such activities as sadomasochism, swinging, and even polyamory inciting a fierce negative response from these religions.

First let me clarify why I say Judeo-Christian-Muslim rather than simply any one of those alone. Each of these religions comes from the same woman and freedom-hating texts generated a few thousand years ago. Each has grown into it’s own pedagogy. Each containing a thrilling nugget of truth, and a huge helping of misogynistic pleasure-hating propaganda. The power of women, of their reproductive magick, their superior organizational and tasking functions, their creativity, spirituality and most importantly, their inherently magnetic sexual attraction, make for a formidable “opponent” if you care to see things that way. This, and other social, cultural and bacteriological threats were addressed in these early texts. Although they claimed to be “the word of God”… they were also tools of social control which used mythos and social pressure to keep power in the hands of, well, those who had power. These same tenets have been passed down over the entire globe, keeping countless populations in fear of the reprisals of an angry father God, who stands belligerently inaccessible, only available to the common man through the intercession of church officials. Yes, one can pray and hope their needs are heard by one of the lessor angels, or even Jesus himself, but the technologies of bringing oneself into direct communion with a spiritual force were kept secret. The local native technologies which offered this experience were systematically destroyed and discredited, to the best ability of the Catholic Church, the Moslem extremists, and religious zealots everywhere. Thank Goddess for the vastness of her gorgeous planet so some remained for discovery and study today.

The problem of guilt within the S/M and alternate sexual communities is a serious one. It takes the form of shame, judgement, self-hatred, self denial, abuse and confusion. Many people, though liberated, don’t even know that the darkness or confusion they experience is of this source. They don’t know that their arbitrary self-judgements and heartless rejections of others come from a deep sense of self-hatred. Few understand the vastness of the “culturation” that we have all experienced simply by existing in a (for me anyway) predominantly Christian society. Sadly, this effect works under the awareness of many people, causing painful social striations, and senseless partner abuse.

It can happen because of gender identity issues, SM proclivities, bisexual, lesbian, homo or heterosexuality. Any one of these very personal longings can lead to painful rejection or abuse by a partner who doesn’t understand. It can be very difficult to explain desires which are outside the expected spectrum within a relationship, whether that be the curiosity about a heterosexual encounter in a gay relationship, or the need to submit to a mistress in a vanilla relationship. In my personal experience, a huge number of submissive males execute their desires outside the knowledge of their partners for fear of rejection, or out of a simple inability to communicate their needs to their lovers. It saddens me, particularly because I am so passionate about living honestly, and freely being able to pursue the things which bring joy in life. How long do we have to enjoy our lives, in these glorious bodies? We simply never know. Better to be loved for who you are, than tolerated for who they think you are.

If you are in an abusive situation, where you are unable to be yourself for fear of physical reprisal, please leave and get help now. There are many programs to help in cases of domestic violence, and some of them are open to those of either sex, or transexual identities. Non-consensual violence is not acceptable. If I had my choice, and we all lived in a village together, those who beat, or otherwise threatened their partners physically or psychologically would be seriously re-schooled by everyone in the community. Use the tools of shame against them, rally your neighborhood and make it clear, non-consensual violence is NOT to be tolerated. Change only begins in your heart, when you decide that you are worth being treated with more respect.

If you are experiencing guilt yourself, or dealing with the judgements of a guilty partner, bring clarity to the matter by bringing it to light. Explore your feelings until you can clearly state your inner and outer beliefs, consider the alternate beliefs of your partner, family or culture. Look at the source of these beliefs, and decide, personally, what you choose to accept as real in your life. It is possible to bring healing to the fear-filled internal worlds which create further judgement and abuse.

If you yourself are struggling with shame, know this: You are as natural as the animals and plants, as natural as the weather and the earth itself. The animal kingdom has a large repertoire of polyamorous and sadomasochistic behavior, and we are a part of the animal kingdom. I recommend the book “Sperm Wars” for a chance at debunking the myths that humans are above animals in this regard. Let mama nature reassure you that you, as you are, remain perfect and unsoiled, no matter how “dirty” your thoughts or actions may be. The religions which have dominated our fair planet for these last few thousand years are disintegrating as the power of FREE INFORMATION is retooling the ethics and assumptions of humanity.

Dark Moon Blog
October 4, 2010

All Publicity Is Good?

 Posted by on October 9, 2010
Oct 092010
 

By Micah Schneider

One of the first things you learn in the polyamory world is that there are at least as many ways to be poly as there are people who are poly. As polyamory in its many forms becomes more visible in mainstream culture, we will all benefit by this exposure. People will understand that polys are not that much different from everyone else. We’ve got jobs, dreams, and lives that look pretty normal. Our families are a bit bigger, but otherwise, we’re all pretty similar.

But what if everything the folks in Middle America learn about polyamory comes almost exclusively from the same source? In the last few years, polygamy has enjoyed a surge of media interest. “Big Love” (http://www.hbo.com/big-love/index.html), the HBO drama about a modern polygamous family, aired its fourth season starting in January 2010. “Big Love” is about a fundamentalist Mormon family living in Utah. The husband, played by Bill Paxton, is the head of a family with three wives and a gaggle of kids. The show is a remarkably fair portrayal of a polygamous life. The family grapples with real issues common to all poly families, like sharing time, intimate and otherwise, between four adults with competing needs. But there are also plot complications that are less based on reality, like the sexual attraction the son of one mother feels for one of his father’s other wives. Another example resembles “CSI: Utah”, when one character murders another in revenge for the death of yet another.

One would hope that the average American would realize that murder and incest are not common features of polygamy, or polyamory either. Is the good that a show like “Big Love” does simply by positively portraying a polygamous family overshadowed by Hollywood plot lines that strain credulity?

A new show takes the “Big Love” idea to the next logical step. Why make up an FLDS family when you can simply film a real one? “Sister Wives” premiered recently on The Learning Channel. As of this writing, only one episode has aired, but the show has a great deal of promise. After taking the time to establish that these people aren’t insane, and that everyone is involved with the consent of everyone else, they look like a shockingly normal family. Shocking if you aren’t familiar with polyamory, anyway. The kids look happy and well adjusted. The wives all genuinely like each other. The patriarch of this family is quite a telegenic fellow, and seems like the kind of guy you could go to the bar and watch the game with over a few beers, with the added benefit that you get to drink his for him since he’s Mormon.

As a man living in a poly household, a lot of their problems and issues resonated with me. They have the same time-management issues we do. Who get to do what with who when is always a struggle to manage. We don’t fight about it, but we do have to manage it. They think love shouldn’t have limits, and if everyone is happy, healthy and not hurting anyone, they should be left alone. My family couldn’t have said it better. In the first episode, the husband calls a family meeting to talk to them all about potentially “wooing” a new mother to join the family. Everyone gets an opinion, from the adults to the smallest children, and he makes it clear that if they object, he won’t do it. This is not the image of the overbearing Mormon polygamous asshole forcing young girls into marriage against their will that we’ve been fed by the media in recent years. And we have family meetings all the time, and for big decisions, consensus is damn near mandatory. If we’re not on the same page, things can go to shit really fast. This Mormon family gets that.

We aren’t so different, these polygamists and us. And by “us”, I don’t just mean my family.

And what is the reward for this family opening their doors to America? They’re now being investigated on federal charges of bigamy. Congratulations! For being brave enough to show America that you aren’t the freaks they think you are, you might get arrested and lose your kids!

Love your show, though! Three thumbs up!

Bite the Apple

 Posted by on October 6, 2010
Oct 062010
 

By Ms Savannah Sly

My week and a half of kink events and travel began at 5:30am on an NYC-bound bus. To my absolute dismay, I realized that, in my drowsy haste, I had forgotten all of my new Netflix DVD’s on my kitchen table. Alas, I was to endure my travels without any new films to mull over.

But wait! Hadn’t I planned on attending to 2010 NYC CineKink screening that very night? Yes, indeed I had! Not only would I get my movie fix, but the films I was to see would undoubtedly be sex positive, creative, thoughtful and hot. What a relief!

Many hours later, I found myself sitting in a cavernous hall at the LGBT Center in Manhattan, experiencing the CineKink selections with great relish. The sound quality of the room left something to be desired, but the films were comprehensive and alluring enough to keep me glued. One film in particular, Walking The Dog (directed by Luigi Campi, 2009), was so visually compelling that it was almost unnecessary for the actors to recite lines. It’s a dreamy (and at time, nightmarish) account of girl who agrees to attend a public sex event at the insistence of her obnoxious boyfriend. We follow the pair as they wind their way into an unsettling place where shirtless men roam like feral dogs and women can be glimpsed in the shadows, performing a multitude of dramatic sex acts. Though uneasy, the girl is beckoned to join several women in a car, where she is caressed into an ecstatic as a crowd looks on, through the windows. Beautifully lit and emotionally depicted, Walking The Dog was a delicious bit of short and sexy cinema.

The next film, Balloons, could not have been a sharper contrast from Walking The Dog. Balloons (directed by Charles Nuckolls, 2009) is a simple documentary that captures the elaborate pastime of blowing up and playing with gigantic, rubber balloons. The practitioners of this fetish blow up enormous, elastic bubbles and crawl inside, where they play with each other, apply vibrators to various bits or simply hang out. The latex-clad vixen that appeared to be the facilitator of the event describes the experience as womb-like and intensely sensual. The film was light, fun, and captured the joy of this often misunderstood and mysterious kink.

The CineKink screening was capped off with a backseat masturbation video featuring Dylan Ryan, entitled Taxi: Safety (director by Marie Angel, 2009). Despite the cautionary title, this was a dangerously libidinous and got the room humming. Dylan Ryan was in attendance and spoke after the film about the experience of shooting Taxi: Safety. Getting to see this statuesque performer immediately in person after her appearance on the big screen was quite a treat. Dylan’s positive account of her pornographic work seemed to be the perfect ending to the screening. If the goal of the event was to show hot films that were made by passionate, mindful, ethical and diverse artists, then CineKink can and should give itself a big, well-deserved pat on the back.

Sins Of The Flesh

 Posted by on October 4, 2010
Oct 042010
 

By Richard Wagner

I was absolutely mesmerized by the recent papal visit to Britain. I confess it was a morbid curiosity in the spectacle, but who among us doesn’t have a guilty pleasure or two? My clergy days are behind me, but the pomp and ceremony are still very familiar and even a little beguiling.

Benedict XVI, the kindly grandfather figure, kisses babies, waves to the crowd from what looks like a clown car. Yet there was a palpable tension in the air that was not missed by the devout and the skeptic alike. The pope came to Britain to mark his territory and that is always an anxious time for those whose territory is invaded.

The innocuous visit soon turns ominous when the elderly pontiff began to scold against the dual evils of relativism and secularism. You’d think having so much to apologize for in terms of the worldwide priest sex abuse scandal he’d take a more humble approach to our common human foibles. But there was no hint of that.

His litany of our cultural sins is as familiar as his papal vestments. Abortion; homosexuality, particularly those who advocate same-sex marriage; sexual permissiveness among the young; and the spiritual vacuum at the heart of a modern society bent on instant gratification. The common thread being an abhorrence of sexual pleasure.

Catholic doctrine specifically states that the sacred act of procreation is the only legitimate reason for sexual expression. If married couples are interested in having intercourse, then they’d better be willing to accept the potential for the creating another life.

On New Year’s Eve 1930, the Roman Catholic Church officially banned all “artificial” means of birth control. Condoms, diaphragms and cervical caps are artificial, in as much as they block the natural journey of sperm during intercourse. Douches, suppositories and spermicides kill or impeded sperm, so they too are banned. Tampering with the “male seed” is tantamount to murder. A common admonition at the time was “so many conceptions prevented, so many homicides.” To interfere with God’s will is a mortal sin and even grounds for excommunication.

Catholics are left with abstinence or the rhythm method (the practice of abstaining from sex during a woman’s period of ovulation) as the only means of family planning. But, the rhythm method is wildly unreliable, and the roulette of it all places a heavy strain on marital relations.

In 1966 the Church revisited the doctrine. A papal commission set up to review the dogma voted 30-5 to relax the concerns on birth control. But in 1968, Pope Paul VI issued his encyclical, Humanae Vitae which overrode the bishops and reiterated the anti-birth-control stance. He said this was necessary for several reasons. Chief among them was — if sex were not about creating children in a loving family, then sex would solely be about pleasure with no responsibility. Men would simply use women as pleasure objects and would lose respect for them.

Some argued that Pope Paul’s decision to issue the letter was more about exerting papal authority then it was about birth control. They claimed he wanted to reserve to himself the authority to decide the issue rather then let the bishops of Vatican II decide. But I see it differently; the pope had virtually no choice. If he buckled on the bedrock issue of the procreative nature of sex he would have undercut the totality of Catholic sexual morality. There’d no longer be a cogent argument for outlawing masturbation, homosexuality, premarital sex, extramarital sex and even divorce as disordered and intrinsically evil.

Obviously, the practical application of this encyclical goes way beyond the marital bed. It prohibits condoms in the fight against AIDS; young people are set adrift in a void of sex education; teenage pregnancies soar; gay and lesbian people are vilified; and married people as well as theologians are left questioning the relevancy of a doctrine that causes so much harm.

But, in this matter at least, that faithful have spoken. The Center of Disease Control and Prevention 2002 National Survey of Family Growth revealed that 97% of American Catholic women over age 18 have used a form of contraception, which is the same percentage as the general population. A 2005 nationwide poll of 2,242 U.S. adults by Harris Interactive showed that 90% of Catholics supported the use of birth control. Use of modern contraceptive methods is also high in many predominantly Catholic countries: 67% of married women of child-bearing age in Spain, 69% in France, 60% in Mexico, and 70% in Brazil.

These statistics underscore what we’ve all known for a long time. There is massive “disobedience” on the part of Catholic faithful. But they’re not being obstinate just to be contrary. They are women and men of conscience, who have weighed the Vatican arguments and found them wanting. Most Catholics know their religious affiliation is more than a slavish adherence to dogma; it is finding the divine in the crucible of their own life.

Welcome to the Biz

 Posted by on October 2, 2010
Oct 022010
 

by Princess Kali

The celebration of my 10th year in the adult industry has inspired me to share what I’ve learned in this unique business. I have been a stripper, a professional dominatrix, a fetish model, a fetish porn star, a website and DVD producer, and kink educator. I have hosted many kinds of fetish parties and been featured at both small and large BDSM events all over the world. I have even had a centerfold in a major wanker magazine, and the cover of a very specialized fetish quarterly.

Obviously I have dabbled in a pretty wide variety of niches in this industry, and yet there are many more that I have never, and probably will never, experience. The term “sex industry” actually covers an incredibly expansive array of jobs. Approaching sexuality as a business is a complicated and sometimes confusing choice to people; especially when they have never had any exposure to the sex business, but also even when they have been a part of its inner workings for years. With this column I hope to share some of the ups, downs, and in-betweens of being involved in sexuality as a profession. Through my own experiences and those of guest writers, I want to show the incredible fulfillment that can be achieved as well as the heart breaking realities of working in a profession that is often extremely misunderstood.

In this column you will read the stories of traditional sex workers: strippers, pro-Dommes, porn stars and escorts. But the column will also include the experiences of the less obvious sexuality professionals: doctors, psychologists, social workers, and sex educators, sex toy designers, fetish party planners & sex worker allies. Articles will not merely show these industry specialists as “sex workers”, but rather as complex and dedicated professionals. You’ll learn how sex industry jobs affect their lives: the good, the bad, the ugly, the awesome and the mind boggling – as well as the normal, accessible experiences which anyone can relate to.

This column will not be a place of illicit and explicit exploits of various “erotic experiences”. There are already plenty of personal blogs and other websites that take care of such things. Instead, “Professionally Speaking” will provide peeks into the reality of this industry… into the world of the people that deal daily within one of the most taboo industries in modern society: Sex.

Wait…

 Posted by on October 1, 2010
Oct 012010
 

by Brian Flaherty

But it is about sex… a brief digression.

A while back I was browsing the Vancouver Sun, & I came across the following headline: Polyamorists want court to declare group love legal. Wait, what?! Not polygamists, but polyamorists. No lawsuit to sanction multiple marriages – no, the court has been asked to stop cracking down on Canadian citizens living in dangerous harmony in threes, fours and mores. It turns out that Canada, too, is not exempt from wacky morality-based restrictions on sexuality. Canadian Criminal Code section 293 reads in part:

Every one who practices or enters into or in any manner agrees or consents to practise or enter into any form of polygamy, or any kind of conjugal union with more than one person at the same time, whether or not it is by law recognized as a binding form of marriage, or celebrates, assists or is a party to a rite, ceremony, contract or consent that purports to sanction [such a] relationship [can be punshed up to five years in prison.]

The responsible legal researcher in me would tell you how the case got to the court and why the law is bat-shit crazy – but in legalese. But you can read all of that stuff here, at the Canadian Polyadvocacy site. No, where I go with this is into the second paragraph of the Sun article, where John Ince, counsel for the Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association tell me that the lawsuit “is non-sexual, and based on love (amore), not sex.” That’s where I begin to get a little fussy – and so this is where I digress…

OK, I get it – the root of Polyamory is amore, love – and that it has to do with forming committed relationships and not just tricking around with whoever happens to be in your field of vision at the moment. But was it absolutely necessary to say that it was “not about sex?” Can’t we qualify that even a little bit? Not just about sex, not exclusively about sex…must we desexualize every movement, un-sex all advocacy in the name of tepid acceptance? In the name of dressing up for prime time (for fear that the Vancouver Sun would NEVER print something about a committed, loving, and sexual poly relationship), I fear that Mr. Ince may have left some members of poly families feeling just a bit deflated.

I cannot help but think about the progress of Gay Pride parades around the country. I remember going to pride parades years ago where there was more outrageousness, more music and dancing, more floats, more SEX for heaven’s sake. Now.. well, I’m pleased at the growth of groups like the “Bisexual Librarian Fathers Association,” but they’re not the stuff of a rollicking fun parade. Further, I don’t want to cheer their coming out, to the exclusion of the float with the scantily clad transvestite bo-peep herding and hurting her leather clad sheep. A movement, a celebration, especially one based on sexual preference, must unambiguously include the overtly sexual. And if a lawsuit to defend the rights of those in multiple conjugal unions does not explicitly include those for whom ‘conjugal union’ has sexual connotations, it cannot explicitly exclude them.

Have a Happy Period – Really

 Posted by on September 29, 2010
Sep 292010
 

by Deirdre O’Donnell

As a young woman in her college years in the middle of an economic struggle, I feel that information regarding healthy and cost-efficient alternatives for menstrual care are rather hard to come by. I spend a lot of time seeking out magazine articles, advertisements, zines, books, and websites that have an abundance of information on this topic, and I have put together a little bundle of tips and new ideas for those out there on the rag!

Firstly, let’s talk about alleviating cramps. The best way to avoid cramps is by preventing them from happening or becoming severe. Instead of (or in addition to, if you find necessary) using pain killers from the convenience store, one thing that can be done is a diet change. Although many people crave salt just before, during or after their period, salt is one thing that can intensify cramps, as can processed foods such as white bread, and it is recommended that the individual lower their intake of these foods. In addition, foods high in vitamin A (oranges, spinach, and other greens), vitamin B6 (soy, green veggies, nutritional yeast), potassium (bananas, oranges, carrots, potatoes), and calcium (broccoli, almonds, seaweed, oatmeal) are also recommended for alleviating cramps. Another way to alleviate cramps is to exercise. Going for a jog, power walk, bike ride, or doing floor exercises that stretch the abdominal muscles are all ways of reducing tension. Hot compresses or baths can also help relax the muscles to reduce tension, as can having an orgasm! What is a better excuse to masturbate, have sex (however you define it), go buy yourself a new, safe sex toy, or even make your own with a cucumber and a condom? Be creative, and make yourself happy. Every person is different, and so are their tricks for menstrual relief, if it’s necessary at all!

Personally, I have a nine day period and severe cramps, but one thing I changed that actually helped was my menstrual devices. I have used a variety of tampons in my life, usually supers because I have a very heavy flow, and I still was always very uncomfortable. I had to change them every three hours, felt cramped up in my abdomen, and never wanted to get off the couch. Now, tampons might be great for you! This is only an account of my personal experience, and again, all of our bodies are very diverse. When I switched to the Diva Cup, I found that my cramps decreased tremendously. It felt less like something foreign, like a thick piece of stiff cotton inside me. I felt more flexible and breathable, and was more comfortable leaving it in for my full, hectic days running all over campus and trying to exercise in between. The point is, there are so many products out there that we have to seek out because their businesses are not marketed in the mainstream that we see on MTV and is so accessible to us. There are products out there that may be better for your body, your wallet, and the environment! Menstruation can be something simple, that we can experiment with and play with and see what works best for us, so I have also provided a rundown of various menstrual products/devices.

In addition to the pharmacy bought brands of pads, tampons, and pantiliners, there are also organic equivalents to these products that do not contain harmful bleaches/chlorine that can be absorbed by the vagina. These brands often do not have applicators, and if they do they are probably cardboard for health and eco-friendly reasons. They range from about 3-10 dollars a package, approximately, and they are disposable just like the non-organic brands. There are also brands of pads that are made from fabric, that are washable/re-usable and made in designs you can pick out to match your personality or mood. There are generally cotton inserts and various covers that come with the pads. They come in different sets of all different price ranges. These brand names are GladRags and Lunapads, and their websites are provided below. Other alternatives are known as Diva Cups, Moon Cups and Keepers.

All of these devices are menstrual cups that are worn inside the vagina and are flexible, and act as catchers of blood leaving the cervical opening, known as the oz. They can be changed far less often than pads or tampons, and have a lower risk of Toxic Shock Syndrome, as well. They generally cost between 25 and 45 dollars, and are sold online and in health food stores. They come in various sizes, depending on if they have given childbirth or not, and come in silicone and latex form. Their websites are also provided below. The final alternative is a sea sponge to be inserted into the vagina and collect blood. These are often sold in drugstores in the cosmetic section but can also be purchased online. These may be rinsed out under faucets and habitually cleaned with vinegar, and can last 3-6 months if well taken care of. They can be purchased for very little money, often only a few dollars in pharmacies or beauty supply stores. As you can see, there are many different products to choose from to prevent bleeding on our clothes and school desks or wincing in pain on the ground, and they are made for all different types of people, different lifestyles and different incomes. This way, you can have a happy period – really.

I want my cake…but can I eat it too?

 Posted by on September 22, 2010
Sep 222010
 

by N

While compiling ideas for the latest segment of “Burlesque And The City”, I had some strong emotions flooding my mind about a past relationship, one from which I am still healing. My heart was broken and I was left standing alone wondering what went wrong. How one minute I could be madly, deeply in love, and the next realize that your lover wants nothing of the sort.

As my career continues to thrive with writing, designing, performing, and running my own business. I started to think (or maybe obsess) about relationships vs. relationships. What I mean by this is the amount of time given to one’s own passion vs. the amount of time given to a relationship with another person. Is it possible to have both and have each one successfully? I wondered if you could truly have it all?

I pondered this on twitter and got a number of responses from several people within several different communities. The answer was a resounding “NO”. The people voiced their opinions and said that it had to be a choice in the end. The best response was from @CherieDAmour who said “I wanna meet that one who has it all, shake her hand, then steal her identity, SingleWhiteFemale-style.”

The more successful women I meet, the more likely they are single. Now maybe this is just my narrow-mindedness NYC style way of thinking, but there seems to be a correlation between choosing a career over choosing a mate. Is this the new form of feminism or are we just scared of independent badass women?

With Burlesque, I seem to scare off more mates than I attract. It’s not new for a hot email encounter on OKCupid to end up in the trash after they find out more about my passions and talents. The most common response is “You Seem Really Busy!” Am I sending out the message that I am too busy for people? I thought the opposite when I created and heavily simplified my profile. What is it about the creative, passionate, females that send prospects back up the hill? Are all we looking for in our lovers is simplicity? Whatever happened to loving the complexities in one another?

I am on the hunt for the perfect duo of love and creativity. It has to exist somewhere. There can’t be all these miserable yet successful people in NYC who aren’t getting laid. Some other red headed dyke who is a burlesque starlet has to be getting the sexual encounter of her lifetime right now as I am typing this. Not just sex, but LOVE. Maybe I’m an old fashioned girl but I want my lover to help carry my props to a gig, or give me sound advice on my performance or to just be there to give me a hug if I don’t hit the right note. This could possibly be my own battle to find nirvana in a world full of pasties and glitter.

Til then, I shall eat some cake…but I don’t know if I can keep it just yet.

No, I’m NOT Her Roommate

 Posted by on September 20, 2010
Sep 202010
 

by Shanna Katz

I know I’m not the only one who has gone through this. I know this. And it’s not the first time I’ve been through it either, and it certainly won’t be the last.

I am sick of people assuming, and then saying out loud, that my partner is my roommate. It’s been happening for years, regardless of the length of time we’ve been together, their gender presentation, whether or not we’re holding hands or kissing in public. It’s inevitable; someone is going to make a remark about my “roommate” or introduce to me to someone as Partner’s Name’s roommate.

This makes me angry. It totally invalidates our relationship. And that? That is not ok.

To compare, it would be like if I introduced a couple, who I know to be married, to someone as “this is Jane, and her special friend Bob.” Or as Jane’s roommate. Or as Jane’s friend who lives with her, shares a life with her, has sex with her on a regular basis, and is totally committed to her, but we don’t want to talk about or acknowledge any of that.

Back in college, I remember the quizzes your friends would give you after you hooked up with someone (in my case, usually a guy). “Are you dating now?” “So, what exactly ‘are’ you?” “How would you define your current relationships status?” After every hook up, make out, Friday night movie, these questions would be asked. Why? Because they did not know what type of relationship/connection we had (if any, besides a one night stand), and they wanted to know.

Now, I’m not sure if I don’t get these questions anymore because I’m not in college, or because I’m queer, as both identities (queer and non-college person) happened pretty much at the same time. I have no empirical evidence. However, I cannot remember the last time someone asked me about my relationship, other than “are you really engaged?” (yes, I am, thank you).

Why is ok to make assumptions about peoples’ relationship statuses, either direction. I have many friends, of all orientations, who have people who are just friends in their lives, yet people always assume that they’re dating, or ask rude questions about when is the wedding. I find this happen to more straight couples, because of the societal notion that a man and a woman cannot be “just friends,” that there must be something more.

For us queers, we’re on the other end of the spectrum. Two women hanging out together must be friends, right? And two guys chilling at the bar, goddess forbid they actually be together. Don’t even get into the conversation about those with genderqueer/ambiguous gender identities – often times people can’t event wrap their head around gender, none the less think of them as someone to date.

I propose that we learn to communicate more, to hear what people have to say about their own relationships. Instead of introducing my partner to people as Shanna’s roommate, it’s ok to have the awkward pause and say “this is Shanna’s…um…what term do you prefer?” At the very least, use a more generic term like friend. Because then one can say “yes, my friend with benefits” or “yes, my special friend” or “actually, she’s my girlfriend/partner.” When people say things like roommate, either because of assumptions, or because they’re uncomfortable with the queer community, they invalidate relationships, and that really really hurts, to be honest.

Who Let You in Here with that F*cking Cardigan!

 Posted by on September 18, 2010
Sep 182010
 

Based on a true story

By AliceSin Aerie

Not long ago, in a place just near by, I was hosting a kink community party. No dress code was required at the establishment, but dressing for the theme, in fetish wear or basic black was strongly encouraged. As the clock neared closing time and the crowd began to thin, terrific screams could be heard from the back room where two Dominant Women had a submissive man stripped and bound with his hands above his head. I smirked at the sounds emanating from the room as I peeked in, obviously a good time was being had by all.

And then….

“Ow! No! Please Mistress…yes please!” “Wait, what is he doing here!? What are you doing here? Why are you wearing that cardigan?! Who let you in here with that fucking Cardigan!? Fucking Mr. Roger’s motherfucking cardigan! …let me go Mistress please. Yellow.”

I could hear the women talking in lower voices, ending the scene, taking him down. The man in the cardigan stood, still watching slack-jawed as he had been, as if he didn’t or couldn’t hear that his presence had factored into the end of the fun.

Do I think that you are going to kill every scene with a bad fashion choice? No.

Do I think that people who don’t make any effort to observe the dress code can be a buzzkill? Yes!

I hear the battle cry before the debate even begins “This is America! I’m entitled to freedom of expression! I’m subversive that’s how I AM. I don’t have fancy clothes!”

Yes, you are entitled to wear what you want. I support you in that. However, I also support your potential host in denying you entry because you have not shown appreciation or respect of their efforts to make the event enjoyable for everyone.

If you want to go to a party where your host recommends or requests a certain mode of dress and you completely disregard it you are sending a message. You either a) believe you are superior to everyone else or b) don’t care to show respect your peers or your hosts. Ascribing to both A&B is also an option.

If you’re at the party, you are the party. Even if you have you have attended to watch or socialize, remember you will be watched. A display of disregard is triply bad for the opportunistic troll. Who, in addition to wearing an ensemble that debuted in the Soup Kitchen fall line, will beg any & all comers to scene with them, sometimes begging while the person is already mid-scene with someone else. (This is an entirely separate column!)

If you are a mouth-breathing troll, I doubt this message will reach you. If you are the sort of person who doesn’t wish to be confused with the former, I have some tips for you:

Try. Read the party description or invitation carefully. There are many ways to stand be your unique self and be comfortable while making a even a small gesture that indicates you appreciate your hosts.

Dress up. I don’t mean in costume per se, I mean get out your best. Even a plain Jane or John looks more sharp in their best suit or dress.

Black is the new black. No matter how meager your wardrobe or budget may be, you’ve got something black in your closet. If all else fails, wear your best jeans or trousers and get a 3 pack of black t-shirts from your local grocery or discount – now you’ve got 3 outfits!

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