All Posts – Page 23 – Fearless Press

Going It Alone

Posted by Sexquire on October 22, 2012

Oct 222012

Every person comes to business ownership or freelancing in a different way, but there are certain themes that pervade the topic and as business advisers, we see them folks who are thinking of taking the plunge. Some of these themes are true no matter what industry the soon-to-be business owners will practice in, but some show up with more or less frequency depending on the business.

One theme that is common in all business, but seems to have an even higher incidence in sex/adult related businesses, is the “too many cooks” phenomena. We all know the old adage about too many cooks spoiling the soup, but in our experience, especially when it comes to following one’s dreams with a sex related business, this is the most commonly forgotten adage.

So why do aspiring entrepreneurs, generally a confident self-reliant group, who come up with fantastic ideas for goods or services, feel they can’t go it alone? There are likely a number of reasons for each individual, but these are a few of the overarching themes we’ve noticed during our near decade long experience with sex related businesses. In some ways, we’ve found these fears can be overcome.

Fear of Loneliness. It’s true, starting a business is a sure fire way to test whether you enjoy spending time with yourself because you are guaranteed to be doing a lot of work, often on your own. This may be especially true if the business you are starting is the “first of its kind” in your area, which is often the case if you decide to open a sex-related business. Your nearest competitor may be hundreds of miles away, which is a blessing from a marketing standpoint, but often a curse for feeling as if you have a community when it comes to work. So does bringing a friend, partner, colleague along help prevent becoming a hermit? Sometimes, but only if you have brought that person along for the right reason. If they offer something you are quite sure you’ll need for your business and it’s a skill that you are certain you don’t possess, then think about bringing them along. Also think about clearly spelling out in writing what you will be expecting from them. If you’re just bringing them along because you like hanging out with them or because you’re in love with them, etc., it’s likely to destroy your relationship AND your business. Do a gut check before you go into business with someone, and think about what you’ll each be bringing to the table. If you can’t put a finger on what your potential collaborator might be bringing, maybe being alone won’t be so bad. There’s always the internet community right?
Fear of Failure/Rejection. Going into business is scary and can result in more rejection than you’ve ever faced in any type of dating or personal arena. It can be tempting to mitigate how much rejection will be about you personally by bringing someone else along. Think about it. If you don’t get a particular speaking engagement or your store doesn’t fill with customers from Day 1, you only have yourself to blame if you’re alone, but can always tell yourself that it wasn’t you, it was _____________ if there is someone else around. But this kind of thinking will be toxic to your relationship (see all the reasons in 1 above) and detrimental to your future as a successful business owner. If something doesn’t go right, it’s everyone’s fault and no one’s fault, and if you’re the type of person who needs to have someone else to blame/take the rejection, you might want to think twice about going into business or freelancing, especially in the sex/adult industry. Depending on the nature of your work, rejections can seem even more personal.
Fear That You’re Not Enough Alone. We’ve saved the best/worst for last. This is by far the #1 reason folks decide to bring someone along with them, particularly in a sex related business. Think of it. Most of us who end up in this field didn’t have a formal track to becoming a sex educator or sex toy retailer or manufacturer. We may have studied gender or even sex in school, but that education likely didn’t include the possibility of making a full time career doing whatever crazy thing it is we’ve decided to pursue. Society spends quite a bit of time telling us we’re “not good enough” at any number of things in order to sell us some solution to create a “new and improved” version of ourselves. Given all this, it’s no wonder that so many aspiring sex entrepreneurs feel they can’t possibly be good/smart/knowledgeable/connected enough to embark on this journey alone. But don’t believe the hype. As the old cliché goes, “If you can dream it, you can do it.” This is especially true in this industry. Every day someone comes up with a new toy, class, idea or plan for helping individuals lead more fulfilling sex lives. If becoming one of those people is your dream, go follow it and make sure that if you do it with someone else, it’s for all the right reasons. Remember, just like sex, it’s not awful alone if you know what you’re doing!

The Cuddling Culprit

Posted by JJ Hood on October 20, 2012

Oct 202012

“I don’t get it! What did I do wrong?!”

My sister’s words still ring in my ears as I type this.

We’ve all done it at least once in our lives. Maybe women more so than men, maybe some more so than others…but it happens. No, it’s never pretty once we’re finally out of it and looking back in shame. Yes, it’s just another one of those things you have to go through and fuck up in order to learn. And I’m not talking about college orgies on acid either. I’m referring to the times when we get emotionally clingy with somebody immediately after sleeping with them. Oh yeah…I went there.

To me, this unintentional (sometimes irritating and embarrassing) chain reaction can best be explained by calling for distinct definitions between emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy, both of which get completely confused when it comes to copulating.

Dr. Cheryl Macdonald describes sexual intimacy as, “the physical contact of all forms with another person,” in her article How To Achieve Intimacy. It involves the body’s biological reaction to and connection with another. Basically, it’s everything that comes along with the actual act of fornication.

Emotional intimacy, on the other hand, is defined on selfgrowth.com as such:

…a psychological event that occurs when the trust level and communication between two people is such that it fosters the mutual sharing of each others innermost selves. It is unbridled mutual self-disclosure.

In other words, it can be referred to as the reciprocal connection and exchange of deep genuine feelings (primary emotions such as hurt, fear, excitement, loss) with another. It comes with trust, vulnerability, and the insatiable need to cuddle.

The confusion lies in the vulnerability and the bearing of it in both: Emotional intimacy requires the bearing of your innermost hopes and fears; sexual intimacy requires the bearing of your bare ass. And in bearing those sweet cheeks, women are known to release oxytocin thereafter, the infamous “cuddle hormone.” According to researchers Barry R. Komisaruk and Beverly Whipple in their 2004 study of brain activation during vagino-cervical self-stimulation and orgasm in women with complete spinal cord injury, oxytocin is secreted into the body of women in response to either stimulation of the breast and nipples or cervical and vaginal walls. It’s also known to be released in systemic circulation during orgasm for both men and women. In their article Will Orgasms Keep You In Love?, Marnia Robinson & Gary Wilson go on to further state that oxytocin levels are at their highest level in the body during sexual climax. Basically, this little culprit is known to arouse a physical need to hold onto another, whether breastfeeding or boning, and more so during the latter.

So what does this have to do with anything?

Well, if ya ask me, I blame it on the cuddling.

It’s an act that we’re taught to perceive as intimate, connected, and meaningful more so in an emotional sense than in a sexual one. I said earlier that women may be more inclined to be clingy after sex than men, but if anything it would only be because they are the ones releasing this hormone more typically. The truth is, men are just as guilty due to the ill-conceived notions that we all have when it comes to viewing how we (or how we think we should) feel about the people we fuck.

When it comes to having sex with somebody before establishing a solid emotional connection, people far too often confuse the physical, sexual attraction and connection with the intimacy you find in the sharing of deeply imbedded emotions. Plenty of people go as far as replacing an emotional connection to their partner with sex.

I remember the first time I personally felt an actual divide between the two in my own sex life. I was lying in bed after hours of red-hot, uninhibited passionate sex with a man I’d met and spoken with maybe twice. As I lied in his arms, he began talking about his job and the undeniably boring details of it. With our fingers interlaced and my face nuzzled against his chest, it suddenly and finally hit me: I could give two shits about anything this guy has to say…or about this guy altogether!

In the past, I would normally sleep with a man and immediately test the sound of my first name with his last, picture what our children would look like, and how my parents would react when they met him. Honest to God, within minutes after we’d cum. I’m willing to bet I’m not the only one guilty of it either (or at least I fucking hope not). Sure enough though, soon after, I’d be sitting with my heart in my hand wondering “WHAT HAPPENED?!?!?! I THOUGHT HE LIKED ME!!!!!” much like my sister.

The point is that, while the two tend to go hand-in-hand, emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy are two completely different things that are all too often confused as one. Next time you find yourself a lot more into somebody you’ve had physical relations with, try to think of this simple statement: You don’t have to love everybody you fuck, just like you don’t have to fuck everybody you love (think of mom and dad…eww, right?).

Let yourself off the hook. You weren’t really into them anyway.

References:
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/ColeenL1.html
http://healthpsychology.org/how-to-achieve-intimacy/
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201111/will-orgasms-keep-you-in-love
Komisaruk, B. R. & Whipple, B. (2004). Functional MRI of the Brain During Orgasm In Women. Newark: NJ

Shame is like a sexual illness… and the antidote, please?

Posted by Jallen Rix on October 19, 2012

Oct 192012

Very few people have been given healthy approval, support and respectful privacy to self-pleasure. On the contrary, most people have vivid memories of being overtly shamed at a young age by others about the natural discovery of sexual self-stimulation. Just a few short decades ago, the ignorance and shaming of masturbation in the medical field was so severe, that ideas of going blind and getting hairy palms as symptoms of having sex with oneself can still strike fear and alienation into the hearts of generations of people. Furthermore, that fearful shame can be so prevalent and ingrained that we carry it with us all our lives, and in some cases, it seems negatively fused to our sexuality.

Yet, of all the partners, lovers and sexual playmates that may come your way, there is only one person that knows you most intimately — yourself. Alas, all too often our society looks down at solo sexuality, hypocritically though, since most all of us have found solace in our left or right hand. As the old saying goes, the rest of us lie about it.

Sure, there is nothing like having an intimate sexual experience with another person, but the same can be said about having sex with yourself. Only you can instantly know exactly what you need and what you want at any given moment. You don’t have to explain yourself. You don’t have to be “clear” about anything. You don’t have to adjust your position to accommodate anyone else. With the speed of thought and passion you know what has to be done and…it’s done!

Therefore, why even compare and compete which is better — solo or partnered sex? That’s just an ass backwards way to feel bad about yourself when you are alone. Why deem a loser or winner at all? The plain truth is you are the fertile ground of learning unconditional love. It is foundational that the only way to truly love others is to learn to love yourself. The same goes for sex as well. The negative myth in our society is that if a person gets “too comfortable” with solo sex, said person won’t want it with anyone else. Research indicates the opposite. The more you know what brings you pleasure, the easier it is to communicate that to a partner.

Still, I often see a disconnect between self-love and solo sex. Even sexually progressive people who are comfortable talking about their sex lives often times give every reason in the book for masturbation — blowing off steam, a distraction, helps them sleep, horny, and more. Mind you, these are all perfectly legitimate reasons that give purpose to my self-play as well. What I so rarely hear is anyone saying, “(big sigh!) I made mad, passionate love to myself for hours last night!”

Although it sounds silly, for many of us, that’s exactly what we need. Okay, so you don’t have that special someone at your side right now. What’s your excuse for not ravaging yourself with love? Don’t you need a little TLC? Why wait? What does it take? How bad does it have to get before you give yourself the deep satisfaction you want — without conditions?

What typically happens, as I see it in myself and in so many others, is that we have been taught not to love but to punish. When we don’t seem to have every little thing exactly the way it “should” be (as if it ever will be perfect), we heap all the more feelings of “less than,” undeserving, reward/punishment (with very little reward), and self-loathing — exactly the opposite of what we need and want.

So I ask you, if your ideal partner was having a down day and in need of some lovin’, would you verbally put her down, make him feel worse, tell her to work harder or tell him that he was just plain undeserving? Of course not, so why do it to yourself?

Ultimately, part of the reason this sounds so foreign is that we are not given any positive examples of this kind of loving. This is similar to our society becoming saturated with obsessive and negative sexuality simply because we have so few sex positive role models. Therefore, I have lead small groups: Mens Sacred Self-loving Circle. A kind of circle jerk where guided, meditative masturbation can be exemplified and affirmed by supportive, unashamed self-loving men. Where a man can be affirmed for tangibly loving himself with the full acceptance of like-hearted men. Groups like these are truly unique experiences.

So, the next time you sexually pleasure yourself, take the time to go all out. Light the candles. Draw a bubble bath. Make this not just a quick rub to relieve the pressure. Make deep and passionate love to yourself — that’s real stress relief for ya! Be mindful and “heartful” of the endless loving energy you can bestow on yourself. As you fill yourself to overflow with grateful adoration, I promise that it will glow and flow beyond you. As you love yourself, so shall others experience the love you embody.

Meditative Fear Play

Posted by Amy Shiner on October 18, 2012

Oct 182012

I recently had the experience of becoming friends with my fear.

Fear can exist in many ways and in Buddhism, it is one of the key beliefs of meditation, and throughout your day, you have to sit with it. Not push it away, not try to block it out, but acknowledge that thoughts exist and come back to the present. It’s one of the three parts of meditation, at least in the meditation that I practice, and as a play partner reminds me, fear is simply in my mind.

Fear can exist in any form. It can exist in the form of being fearful of a new relationship or fear of the relationship itself. Fear exists on a daily basis, both in the vanilla world and kink world. Many of our limits are based on the feeling of fear, not fact.

There are books, essays, and classes based on getting over fear. Buddha even experienced fear when he was searching for enlightenment.

It’s a human emotion.

It’s a fetish for some people on different levels.

It’s something that can be healed therapeutically through both spirituality and sexuality.

I had an enlightening experience with my fears as of late. Now remember before playing with any fear, if it’s a phobia where it will do permanent harm it isn’t good to use that as a basis for kink. For people who view kink as spiritual, and there are those including myself who do, taking time to look at fear in a kink way can be meditative, releasing, and healing. This obviously differs for each individual but playing with fear, allowing trust and confidence in yourself, can be a meditative experience.

There are a few ways to allow any fear play to be meditative. There is obviously the discussion, consensual and beforehand, on any play. In regards to meditation, this is preparing yourself for your actions. Why are you doing it? Is it going to improve the relationship or is it for your own general mental/emotional state? In my case I had a few weeks where I quietly contemplated what it would be like to get over this fear, to feel a release, and in some instances, I simply allowed my thoughts to move in and out. I didn’t freak out when I had paranoia about what my Owner may or may not do during play and I sat with my feelings and anxiety.

Meditation is really the practice of sitting with your thoughts. This can happen in various ways. It doesn’t have to be sitting. It can be while doing a chore or dishes, walking (it’s a recognized form in shrines and in different forms of meditation), or even doing a quiet activity like knitting (there are books on Buddhism and knitting) or writing blogs. However this happens for you, the concept of fear play includes a build-up which I suggest sitting with it and noticing your feelings.

The activity could be meditative. There is a concept of breath and energy play that can be connected to fear play. This is also known to be used for pain processing, breathing within the interactions of play. It’s almost like doing yoga and breathing while moving in the postures and it is another intense way to enjoy fear. Breath in when there’s an impact or a sensation, slowly allow yourself to breath out, and if your partner wants to, the breathing can become in synch if both of you are into the play.

What was my meditative experience? I got to get “my Buddhist” on while experiencing needle play for the first time. My interactions, my breathing, my spirituality are all important when experiencing this.

The opportunity came up, and after getting comfortable with the idea I had, I became entranced in this calming mood that I achieve after meditation. I had done this type of meditation before from other fears like riding a horse, lightning storms, and any new relationship. Breathing is my friend.

When I finally interacted with it, the fear was gone and I realized that I was having a connection with my Owner. I was giving trust that he could handle my fear. The moment that I felt the needle underneath my skin, slowly breathing, and concentrating really on the movement of the needle while being present, helped me along the path of tackling fearfulness in my life.

Going Rogue: Dragging Kink Into the Shadows

Posted by Ohh on October 16, 2012

Oct 162012

Often those that participate in kink, BDSM, and alternative lifestyles like to think of themselves as social outlaws, people that live and love on the edge. They view themselves as renegades and outsiders, shirking the rule of mainstream society. And, in some ways, I suppose this is true. In comparison to mainstream culture, kink is still often misunderstood, shunned, and criminalized. However, while there’s still work to be done on improving how kink is represented and accepted in widespread culture, the BDSM communities have managed to create such massive, inclusive, and comfortable spaces for themselves that kink in and of itself hardly seems groundbreaking and intensely edgy anymore. Once one has discovered their local kink community, sites like Fetlife or Alt.com, or BDSM educational events, they can settle in to adapting to a new status quo that simply comes with a somewhat broader set of norms.

Such a situation is far from “being rogue.” Take a moment to contemplate what being a outlaw is to you. In my view, being a rogue means trying new things, stepping outside the boundaries of the safe, known paths and charting new territory. It’s voicing your opinion, even when it’s not the popular one. Being rogue is asking questions, challenging the status quo, and unapologetically pushing for positive changes when the system around you becomes complacent and comfortable just letting things be. At times, it’s about taking a stand on what you refuse to do – not supporting the popular opinion or individual that you find morally questionable or detrimental to the health and well-being of the community. Being a rogue and outlaw is about thinking critically, being innovative, and holding your own in the face of rejection, misunderstanding, and hardship.

There are still rogues in the community. You find them in the damnedest places. They’re the people that are the innovators, the risk-takers, and the forward thinkers. Sometimes they’re community leaders, titleholders, and organizers. Just as often, they fly under the radar and quietly work behind the scenes. The rogues radiate a special kind of energy and often, even if you don’t like them, you find that you respect them. The rogues are doers. They’re rebels with a cause…but not always the one you expect.

Ironically, in this age when kinksters are tirelessly fighting to have BDSM accepted and decriminalized, many of my favorite rogues are arguing that kink needs to remember how to explore and occupy the shadowlands, the dark, dirty, and taboo spaces that the mainstream is guaranteed to reject. Lee Harrington outlined his desire to find those unsanitized, sinister corners of the kink world in his writing, Give Me My Shadows Back. Mollena Williams has waxed poetic about the thrill of surrendering fully to the shadowy places of the human psyche, poking at the taboos of race inequality, lynching, and horrors of slavery. Even my own Leather mentor, David Dean, has often remarked on the importance of having the ability to “find those dark back rooms and wallow in filth” while he continuously fighting for social acceptability for kinksters.

It’s a hard, uphill battle. How does one make kink palatable and acceptable for society at large while keeping its edge? I’m not sure I have the answer, but I refuse to let the light shine into all the dark corners. I want the ability to surrender to the shadows, to explore and exploit the darkness and still emerge a respectable and accepted member of society. It’s a worthy fight and I, for one, am going rogue. I’m taking the time to crouch in the shadows enjoying the darkness while continuing to insist on acceptability. What about you? What are you willing to go rogue for?

Consent and Assault… again?!

Posted by BrianFlaherty on October 15, 2012

Oct 152012

OK, I will confess, I really wanted to write something else. I really wanted to write about the interesting obscenity case going on in the United Kingdom, or about whether prostitution laws apply to pro-dommes. I really wasn’t planning on writing another “you can’t consent to assault in the context of a BDSM relationship” article. I’ve flogged that topic well beyond its (and my) limit. I figured I ended my last column with the best summary I could come up with – that the law itself won’t change, and probably shouldn’t in order that we can prosecute real domestic violence. But that as BDSM becomes a more recognized…orientation (for lack of a better word), consent would be acceptable as a defense in BDSM just as it is in, say, Boxing or Wrestling. I figured that I could move on to other things, ‘cause there was no court on in the country on the cusp of dredging up & repeating that soiled mantra, “you can’t consent to assault committed as part of sexual activity.”

I was wrong.

On September 7, 2012, by a score of 7 – 0, the Supreme Judicial Court of this great Commonwealth of Massachusetts, in the case of Commowealth vs. Carey, without so much as a judicially raised eyebrow, carved this tired phrase into granite, standing on the shoulders of the oft’ decried decision Commonwealth v .Appleby. Or more simply, the court held that “consent is not a defense to a charge of assault and battery by means of a dangerous weapon committed as or as part of sexual activity.” Predictably, it is in another horrible case, with horrible facts, where the justices blithely issue this proclamation, ignorant of the fact that whey they carve these things into law, they do an injustice to a community of law-abiding, loving, industrious, creatively kinky people.

The way it happened – with as little trigger as possible – is this (the actual facts are detailed in the SJC and earlier appeals court decision): asshole comes over to the victim’s house. The victim knows asshole, but asshole is drunk and she asks him to leave. Instead asshole attacks her brutally. Eventually she fights him off and flees to a nearby house. At the trial, overwhelming evidence points to asshole as the perpetrator, and he is correctly found guilty.

Up to this point it seems cut and dried: asshole should go away for a long long time. However, asshole appeals – and as part of his appeal, he claims that he is in a consensual BDSM relationship with the victim, and this was all part of a scene. Now if you’ve read the facts of the case you know how ludicrous this claim is – nevertheless, he makes it. So the appeals court has to address it. Unfortunately, the way this works is that the appeals court looks only at the trial court record; they do not look for more evidence as to whether a BDSM relationship existed between the two, or whether they had ever done anything like this before consensually (asshole says they had, victim says that no relationship existed and that they had never done anything like this). In looking at the record & the appeal, the court also looks to precedent – earlier cases that address the same issue. In Massachusetts, we have precedent, Appleby, which says you cannot consent to assault in a sexual relationship – precedent which the court has to follow unless there is a good reason to overrule it. This case does not present a good reason to overrule it and so the court follows it. Or, to put it differently, there is not enough evidence in the record for the court to say “Consent?! Bullshit! This was assault and you’re going to die in prison.” And there is no compelling reason to change the law to let asshole go free. So the appeals court affirms the trial court, and the Supreme Judicial Court, the highest court in Massachusetts, essentially rubber-stamps the appeals court’s reading of Appleby, once again reinforcing the idea that, in the eyes of the law anyhow, you cannot consent to assault.

Once again: so where does this leave us? Well, I don’t see a judge overturning this ruling any time soon. But on the other hand, I don’t believe any of us are in imminent danger of judicial reprisal for what we do in negotiated, consensual relationships where there are no complaining witnesses. In fact, of all of the cases in the United States that hold that you cannot consent to assault in a sexual or BDSM relationship – and there are many – there is only one, People v. Samuels in California, where there is no complaining witness (that case was based on a film). What infuriates me about the recent SJC decision most is that it’s nonsensical and somewhat lazy. As the world is painted in “shades of grey,” there is a growing recognition, if not acceptance of BDSM. Most people you ask outside of the legal circles believe that you can consent. Why, then, this giant judicial backslide? Couldn’t the court have found some way to put asshole away without casually denouncing a community? With the growing inconsistency between cultural reality and judicial non-fiction, who should we believe?

Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better

Posted by ShannaKatz on October 14, 2012

Oct 142012

Sometimes, when I take a moment to look around the dungeon and really take in all the scenes that are happening and the conversations going on, I start to feel as though being kinky has become a competitive sport.

When I first entered the kink and BDSM community, it was more of the old guard style. There was a way people did things, and you had to put in your time to earn the respect that folks were given. In some spaces, rules included no laughing during playing, and even no observing of people’s skills. If you were newer to the community, it was encouraged that you find a house to join or someone to mentor you. If you weren’t trained by someone who had XYZ skills in whatever area, you would never be considered proficient in that tool of type of play. You had to have to right toys made by and purchased from the right people in order to be considered a ‘serious player.’

There were some pros and cons of this model. Rarely did you see someone punched in the kidneys or see someone hanging with a rope around their neck because part of the mentoring and learning process included a lot of lessons around safety. You could ask about someone in the community, and likely, people knew who they were, how they played, their relationship skills (or lack there of), etc. However, it also created this hierarchy. If you didn’t fit the mold (perhaps you were a switch, or trans, or too queer, or in some areas, too straight), you could not break into the community. If you played differently, not hard enough, too hard, not seriously enough, etc, many places might make you feel un-welcomed.

However, I feel that the pendulum has now swung far in the other direction. People of all identities, backgrounds and experience levels are welcome in all dungeons and you can usually play how you like, whether you’ve been trained or not. This makes the kink community more accessible to newbies, to people who can’t afford the fanciest toys, to those who play more sensually and/or fantastically, or who play kinkily but without power exchange. Those are pros, at least in my mind.

The problem is that sometimes people choose to play with things they have no experience with which can be dangerous. I’ve seen people buy a single tail online and decide to practice on a human first, rather than a pillow or a wall. I’ve seen people who have just learned fire play decide to buy 500 votive holders for a scene or use wine glasses for cupping (both of which can be quite dangerous, unless you know the quality of the glass which is usually not high at the dollar store).

People talk, both in person and on FetLife about what “super edgy” or “really intense” scene they’ll be doing this weekend. While it used to be about saving your flashy scenes for the big events like TESfest, FetFest, Thunder, etc, now it almost seems as though everyone is trying to out do each other with how showy or intense their scenes can be.

This, in and of itself, is not innately bad. As long as safety concerns are being discussed, then there is nothing wrong with a vein tap in the medical play area or fire flogging in a non-flammable space. However, as the competition seems to heat up, it sometimes makes newer, less “showy” players feel more uncomfortable. I have heard from people that they must not be kinky enough because they don’t like fire, breath play, or needles. Others have told me they wait until the end of parties to do their scenes, when most people have gone home, because they don’t want to be judged as not hardcore because their scene involves sensual rope work or “just” a little bit of power play.

When we make public play about outdoing one another or proving that we’re really kinky because we came up with a new way of doing play, sometimes we need to be cautious about alienating those for who have different ideas of what kink looks like. I am not saying that fire play and blood play (and whatever else is fun for some folks) shouldn’t be done publicly – I’d just like to see a space created to celebrate all types of play, even that which is less flashy, less showy, and less “I can do bigger/better/more hardcore” than you.

Experiments for Better Sex: Part 2

Posted by SinclairSexsmith on October 12, 2012

Oct 122012

This article is a continuation of Experiments for Better Sex: Part 1

So now for the specifics…

1. Identify

The first thing you have to do is take a good look at your sex life and identify what’s going on. Admit you have a problem, in other words.

Ask yourself—and your partner—two questions: What do you want? What is prohibiting you from having that?

What someone usually wants is either a change in quantity (more sex!) or a change in the content (different sex) or both. Whatever is prohibiting sex is different depending on the couple, but frequent reasons for not having the kind of satisfying sex that you seek could be, but are not limited to: being too tired; not having enough time; life events (job, obligations, kids, illness); weight gain which can cause body insecurity and discomfort; incompatible schedules or not enough free time together; or one or more people have had a change in their sex drive (higher or lower).
Sound familiar?

Try to be specific about what’s going on. Where is the discomfort coming from? Do you not want to get naked anymore because your body has changed? Do you fall asleep right when you get into bed because your job is so demanding? Are you ready and raring’ to go in the morning, but your partner prefers having sex at night?

Identify it as accurately as possible. Once you have a sense of what’s going on, you can make up some experiments and see what might be able to shift.

2. Self Care

Next, work on your self care. Sexy self care. Immaculate self care. Look at the basics of your life. Are you getting enough sleep? Are you getting enough exercise? Are you getting enough decompression time where you can engage your brain in an easy, simple way that stimulates you instead of exhausting you? Do you feel good about your body? Do you feel good about your apartment? Are you getting enough time to yourself?

Do a self care experiment. Set up something that you’ll practice and experiment with for one week, once daily. Maybe you’ll go for a quick jog. Maybe you’ll do yoga. Maybe you’ll cut out some of your after work activities and make sure to be home by 8pm so you can have more time at home. Maybe you’ll set a timer on your phone to go off at 10:30pm every night and commit to being in bed by 11pm. Maybe you have been eating too much heavy food late at night and resolve to only eat salads for dinner for a week.

Just see what happens. While you do this experiment, observe the changes – how your body feels, how your energy changes or doesn’t, and how your emotional state changes or doesn’t. Maybe you’ll love the changes. Maybe you won’t notice anything. Maybe the experiment will end up being even more stressful than not doing it, so you stop mid-week. That’s okay. All of it is okay. There’s no wrong answer here. You’re just trying to figure out what variable pieces you might be able to shift and improve, to have a strong base of yourself to bring to your partner, and to your sex life.

3. Reconnect

When you’ve started to untangle some of the things that might be in the way of getting the sex that you want (hopefully your partner is doing similar experiments or self reflection) the next experiment to look at is how you will reconnect and start having the sexy fun times together that you both want to do. Were you able to identify some of the things that you’d like to change or tweak in your sex life? See if you can create some experiments based on the things that you want.

For example, if you want to have sex more often, create an experiment where you have sex five times in one week or every day of the week, and see how that goes. Can you make time for each other every day? Does a ten minute quickie count? You get to decide the parameters of the experiment and you get to collect the data of the experiment when it is over. You get to decide which parts served you both well, which could be tweaked, and which are unnecessary to try again. All the data is good data. All the data will give you information that will better serve you in getting what you want in the future.

Maybe you want to learn a new skill, so the experiment is to find a book or a workshop to attend in order to start learning that skill. Maybe you want to get involved with more local leather community, so your experiment could be doing research on some of the groups in your area. Maybe you want to practice asking for what you want, so your experiment could be making it one person’s responsibility to state verbally what kind of sex they are craving. Maybe you want to get better at dirty talk, so your experiment is text messaging and having phone sex to inspire more words.

Once you start seeing hurdles as potential experiments, the obstacles that have been in your way can become opportunities for insight and connection. Beyond that, you can start untangling the messiness of daily life that has been getting in the way of the fabulous sex life that you—and your partner—want.

Long term intimacy and sexual connection can happen. We can deepen as we get to know each other better, year after year, and our sex explorations can deepen, too.

Vetting the Volunteer

Posted by Morghan on October 10, 2012

Oct 102012

There I was, like so many others in the lunchrooms of corporate America, watching a coworker read 50 Shades of Grey. She asked my opinion, and I politely declined to share it. I haven’t read the book. I’m not interested in passing judgment on the book. Plenty of other folks have read it and rendered their verdicts. The conversation with my coworker didn’t make me curious about the book, but it did make me think about ripples in the pond. What might this mean for those who create, maintain, and protect the organizations that will receive new and eager kinksters who choose to go beyond reading?

BDSM organizations exist in most, if not all regions of the country now. You can find them in New York and California, yes, but you can also go to places like San Antonio, Texas and get your kink on. These diverse organizations tend to have a common theme; they’re volunteer run. Now this can be a really good thing. It does keep costs down, including conventions. It can mean that people who live the life can share their experiences with others, have perspective heard, and have a stake in the outcome. It can also mean they are not adequately equipped for the job. In a worst case scenario, a volunteer might be a person who should under no circumstances get the job, unpaid or otherwise.

I have been a volunteer for a number of events and organizations, both kink and vanilla. I know it is often a thankless experience and I have no desire to cast doubts on the hard working people who bring these things together. That said, as our circles expand to ever larger sizes and with a volunteer base, there is a limit to how well an organizer can vet or train those who enter. There is also a limit to how well the group can vet or train the organizer. The scale of our communities is such that it is time to set some selection criteria, at least at the top.

It would be impractical to vet in detail every single attendee, everyone who volunteers, everyone who wants free admission to the next event in exchange for taking tickets. Still, when it comes to those in control, those who manage organizations’ finances, who choose presenters, who set curricula for ongoing classes or workshops, etc., having an idea of who is in those shoes should matter to us. Not only should we know who they are, but they should be well trained for the task at hand. The larger the group, the more important this becomes. A small organization with less than fifty regulars might not have the resources to get fancy. However if you’re running a recurring event of 200 people or a convention, you’d best have some organizational skills on hand and a small team of strong helpers to keep an eye on the crowd.

The kinky community is famous and notorious for accepting everyone. Every newbie gets the speech about “your kink is not my kink and that’s ok.” We are encouraged to accept all and discriminate against none. However, when it comes to those who control our experiences, who vet the teachers, and who can make or break an experience for an entire group, we should be more selective.

Every group should set their own standards well in advance of making a decision. When someone steps up for a key position, do the research. Consider the facts, and then make a rational decision. What kind of research you do depends. If they are in a fiscally responsible position, a credit check might be appropriate. If they will be instructing individuals who might be considered at-risk, maybe a background check. It can sound daunting, but simple criminal background checks are cheap and readily accessible. They can be done online for under $100 and I’ve done them for as little as $25.

The policies for this kind of check will need to be in writing and should be followed every time to protect the organization. Strongly consider getting legal advice on what you do draw up to be sure it passes muster. Once you’ve set your base standards of ‘no axe murderers’ and written it all down, you’ll need to deal with the results of your checks. Is it ok if the potential organizer had a traffic violation? Probably so. What if they’re on the sex offender registry? Probably not! If you need a shuttle bus driver, look for a history of DUIs, and put the person with a drunk driving record behind a desk, not the wheel. They can contribute to the organization, but choose wisely in assigning roles.

Vetting those who volunteer their time is an unattractive process and can be socially uncomfortable. Legal butt-coverage and paperwork is not why we go to fetish events! Still, an unspoken goal of every kinky group is to keep undesired legal sidetracks and incidents to a minimum. Clear standards for those who lead and due diligence like background checks can help protect the organizations we love and keep opportunities flowing for many years to come.

The Paddler’s Pleasure

Posted by Lucy Lemonade on October 9, 2012

Oct 092012

Many times when discussing toys, the conversation revolves around the experience of the one receiving instead of the one giving the punishment. I would like to share my experiences in searching for the right toy. When shopping for a paddle to use on my partner, I explored many materials; rubber, leather, acrylic, and wood. I found wood to be the perfect material. It is highly versatile and can be created in many shapes. There are a multitude of stains, types of wood, and style of grain patterns. When shopping for my first wooden paddle, I wanted a place that really took pride in their work and offered beautiful items. I wanted a company that appreciated the wood they were using.

I was lucky enough to enter a contest and win my choice of a custom made paddle from a store based out of Hawaii called Maui Kink. I thought about the shape I desired for my partner’s first paddle, and wanted something slightly feminine, and whimsical. I received excellent customer service from the start as they helped me bring my vision of a heart-shaped paddle to life. I was offered a choice of beautiful woods like Mango, Kamani, Bloodwood, Tulip Wood, Koa, Bamboo, and Lychee. I chose Koa hardwood with a core of lighter wood connecting to the handle. Maui Kink even sent me sketches of the paddle before it was made, further fueling my anticipation of receiving it. We corresponded on what sensation I wished to create with my paddle and I chose thud over sting.

Construction was quick and my paddle was shipped to my door in no time at all. Opening the box I found a gorgeous new toy, lacquered and shiny. The wood is rich with a distinct grain and a warm, honey glow. This was the starting point of my love affair with Maui Kink. Known for their beautiful rope in a rainbow of dyed colors, I have gone on to purchase eggplant purple jute rope and a matching acrylic cane with a pretty carved wooden handle. But I return to drool over their paddles and count my pennies until I can afford the next purchase.

Offerings of paddles by Maui Kink include “Wicked Bitches” which are a cross between paddle and a strap with a thick rubber tail attached to a long piece of hard wood. The “Pele Stick” however, is next on my wish list. A long, stingy piece of wood traditionally made of Koa that promises to leave deep bruising to the lucky recipient. For those looking for environmentally renewable pieces, the Bamboo Paddle is affordable and eco-friendly giving a good balance between sting, thud, and beautiful natural wood.

Maui Kink’s line of paddles begin as low as $25 and go as high as $80 or more for custom pieces. From time to time they offer special pieces at discounted prices and even have work for purchase on the crafty site Etsy. I cannot recommend them enough for the paddler who enjoys working with quality and style when it comes to their tools. They are waiting for your visit at MauiKink.com. Tell them Lucy Lemonade sent you*.

*I do not receive any commission, this is just an honest glowing review.

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