When did we start calling our parts ’junk’?

 Posted by on May 21, 2011
May 212011
 

By T.M. Bernard

The first time I heard someone reference her privates as ‘junk,’ my reaction was a mixed bag. Infrequently in the know with pop culture, deprived of television, and too old for the MTV crowd, I figured I simply missed the uber-trendy memo: ‘Latest Euphemisms for Vagina.”

When did we start calling our yonis this, I wondered, even as I laughed in the context of what I was reading; a casual and irreverent email from one of my favorite authors. In her youthful voice, I detected no self-hatred, only spades of humor and utter openness about her journey to find her orgasm.

Still and for months later I’ve detected a guttural response from my nether region. True, my Yoni’s been talking a lot more to me lately. Done with her procreative duties, she and I are on a new venture these days, a re-acquaintance if you will. It turns out that my Hootchie-Cooter-Pussy-Va Jay Jay-Love Box-Pleasure Treasure is a lot of things…but she absolutely won’t allow you to call her junk.

Debris. Rubbish. Castoffs. Scraps…not a single synonym for junk is remotely close to describing that part of my body with which I’ve had a wide-ranging relationship. From as far back as I can remember, I’ve been curious. Every child is. We’re taught that our private parts, are well, private, and from some early moment we are hooked, long before hormones, I believe. Certainly before shame sets in…

And after that snares us, a preoccupation with the forbidden fruit is guaranteed. Our parents may try to stop our forays into sexual exploration with threats of strange diseases that’ll turn us cross-eyed or mark us as irreparably naughty. Adolescence hits us, and if we are lucky we are given some information that our sexuality is about more than making babies. We’ll have been taught that people hug and kiss and make love when they really, really care for one another. The more traditional focus on the commitment and marriage…

All the while, we’ve likely changed our perspective, now viewing our body from a split mirror: sexual vs. non-sexual. Good touch vs. bad touch. Sin vs. Pleasure. Clean vs. Dirty. Smells good vs. Repugnant. Oral vs. Not.

And Yoni – well, she may have been trying to clear the air, to separate the nonsense from the truth – on so many levels including just what our divine feminine essence really is – but by then we’ve been conditioned to ignore such messages. Our vagina becomes something with which to manipulate lovers with. A snare. A burden. A liability. An object of and within our bodies and potential source of pain, fear, entrapment and shame as much as orgasm and birth.

It becomes so complicated, so nuanced, so fraught with confusion.

Let’s not even discuss the whole idea of virginity. The commoditization of our girls’ bodies goes way back. Intact hymen = worth. Anything less than intact = worthless. Pleasure, love, ecstasy and joy, the priceless gifts that Yoni is meant to share become scrapped in the face of sexual oppression.

You know what is junk? A preoccupation with all things vulvular in the absence of seeing the whole woman. The valuation and abuse of a girls’ body against her will. The wanton disregard for what turns us on. The cutting away of clitoral tissue. I could go on and on, but then, you might think I’m mad.

I’m really not angry any more. My yoni and I have made peace. She’s no longer some abstract entity, but is integral to who I am. She is me. I am her. We are one and the same.

After over 40 years, I’ve just started understanding the sacred and sexual truth of this portal to myself, and there’s much to be learned during the rest of my lifetime.

Forgive me for not jumping on the junk bandwagon. You can call me a lot of names, and even throw an f-bomb this way. I’ll take all those names that rhyme with rich if the circumstances warrant it, although more often than not I hope you find time to see the joy, inspiration and light, within me and within you.

No matter how the world may try to scare, snare and tear us apart, this much I know for sure: nothing about me or my yoni is second-hand goods.

Rubyfruit Jungle

 Posted by on May 20, 2011
May 202011
 

By Widow Centauri

Rubyfruit Jungle
By Rita Mae Brown
Daughters Publishing 1973

Gawd forbid you are a dyke who has never read Rubyfruit Jungle. This coming of age tale takes us slowly though the adventures of a young woman, Molly Bolt, who is coming into her own. Molly is discovering that everyone else is slow and stupid, that they are vapid, uninteresting, unhappy, and straight.

The novel written by Rita Mae Brown is a classic in lesbian feminist literature. It had been a number of years since I had read Ruby Fruit Jungle. I was toying with reviewing some man bashing second wave feminist theory when it dawned on me to look at my shelf and read what I wanted to read. I kept coming back to my seriously tattered and held together by duct tape paperback version of Rubyfruit. I couldn’t help it I had to reread this. I devoured this novel and you will too.

Molly Bolt, the protagonists in this tale, grows up in small town America, she plays on dirt roads, she has deep and meaningful childhood experiences. You grow to lover her fast. Molly experiences the death of some of her favorite adults, she begins to question her sexuality, some adults scream at her because she is not honoring and reproducing her assigned gender role stereotypes. Molly is the odd man out. Molly has a series of queer relationships as she grows up. She offers heterosexuality a chance, having awkward sex with a few male bodied characters, but she is a loud and proud dyke. She never has a chance to come out of the closet because Molly is read by everyone. Molly is a tom-boy who does not like girlish things, she tries to pass as straight for a while, but fails.

This story takes us through the experience of Molly Bolt’s coming of age. From her young tween years until she finally manages to finish college, against all odds, Molly fights. She has to fight off the oppressive voice of heterosexual expectations from everyone telling her that she ‘only needs to find the right man.’ She has to fight her friends, her family, the misogyny of the work world, and herself. Molly’s day-to-day life is a struggle: always wanting love, always feeling alone, at the end of the story she discovers that she is loved more than she ever imagined.

Rita Mae Brown’s classic coming of age lesbian fiction is a must read. If you have ever felt out of place, against the whole world, unloved, out of options, sick of it all, and down right sorry for yourself Rubyfruit Jungle will shed a little light on your problems. We all have them. Molly Bolt is a character that reflects back to the reader like a mirror. You will grow to love this character in the first chapter. You will not be able to put this book down until the last page (and then the jacket). Rubyfruit Jungle is a passionate tale that will engage you, distract you, make you laugh out loud, and sob for the real human emotion that is present in this young persons life.

I almost never read novels anymore. I have to push aside all of my heavy research based nonfiction and make time for a novel. I feel refreshed and happy that I made the time to read a book that has brought me so much pleasure every time I have read it. I’m going to go re tape the binding on this book again.

Thanks, but no thanks!

 Posted by on May 19, 2011
May 192011
 

By Sarah Sloane

Dear Sarah,

My problem isn’t so much about getting into a relationship, it’s about staying away from one! I am somewhat experienced in the BDSM scene, but I realized I’m having trouble saying no to people for play and sex. I don’t want to offend anyone, but I really don’t want to play as much as I used to, and I end up feeling bad that I said no. What’s worse, some people have really gotten pissed off at me (particularly when I have said yes to them before). How can I change my rules at this point? How do I tell them “no”?

-Thanks but no thanks

Dear Thanks,

Wow. You’ve hit something that is near and dear to my own heart. I, too, have issues with turning people down for play – and still struggle with how to do it in a way that is not hurtful to the person that’s asking. So…I asked other people how they do it, and here are some of their responses:

“I only play with people I’ve established an ongoing relationship with.”
“I don’t think that what we’re looking for is compatible.”
“I don’t feel the connection with you that I usually feel with people I have sex with / play with.”
“Thanks for asking – I’m flattered! Unfortunately, I have to say no because….”
“I’m going to keep my clothes on for now, thank you!”
“I’m sorry but I’m just not interested in playing with you, but thank you for the offer.”
“I appreciate the offer but I don’t think our play styles are compatible.”
“Thanks for the offer, but it doesn’t work for me.”
“I’m flattered, but that’s not my thing.”
“I’m not in that headspace this evening”
“I’m sorry but I’m not interested in playing with you right now. I promise to let you know if I’m interested another time.”
“I’m flattered that you want to play with me, but I’m not attracted to you in that way.”

Keep in mind that you do not need to have a reason to say no – you are entitled to say no for any reason (or even no reason) at all. It’s YOUR decision whether to play or engage in sex. You also do not need to give them a “rain check” or tell them maybe another time unless you want to – in fact, in my experience it’s been worse for me to tell them “maybe” instead of just saying no and leaving it alone.

When I came up in my leather community, I was taught that one of the things that bind us together is a sense of respect; part of that is respect for ourselves and our ability & power to say no, and part of it is respect for the other person that we’re talking with. Honesty – not the blunt, hurtful kind, but the compassionate kind – will be something that both you and the person that you’re being honest with can live with.

Practice saying no – to your mirror, to friends, in writing – and use those practice sessions to feel more comfortable and confident when you say it. When you’re in a position where you’re not sure what to say to the other person, tell them that – and ask them if you can get back to them. Take the time you need to make a decision; it’s a very rare situation to have a potential play session with someone that you will literally never see again, so there’s no need to pressure yourself into deciding. And when it comes down to it, remember that no means no – and if the person in question spends time trying to talk you into it, or becomes defensive, then that should be a clear indication that it’s not someone that you wanted to play with in the first place.

Blunt advice about being sharp

 Posted by on May 18, 2011
May 182011
 

By Mako Allen

People and knives have something in common: we can be sharpened. The process for both is remarkably similar. You repeat a simple action over and over, until the blade (or person) gets honed to a razor’s edge of sharpness. But it’s entirely possible to take that process too far, and wind up blunting the blade… or yourself.

Lao-tzu knew this very well.

Verse Nine

Fill your bowl to the brim

and it will spill.

Keep sharpening your knife

and it will blunt.

Chase after money and security

and your heart will never unclench.

Care about people’s approval

and you will be their prisoner.

Do your work, then step back.

The only path to serenity.


The actions Lao-tzu cautions against in this verse are all related to different forms of the same behavior: gluttony, which is really a form of pride.

We fill our bowls to the brim because we live in a culture that worships the idea that more of something is always better. This is a reflection of a secret fear, that there will not be enough of something you need.

It’s not true though. Tao provides everything you need, just when you need it, in just the amount you need it. Often the things Tao provides aren’t things you ask for, or even want –but turn out to be just what you need.

The serenity Lao-tzu describes comes from trusting the Tao, and allowing it to provide those things for you. “Doing your work and stepping back” is a modern English way of describing a central concept of Taoism, wu-wei. Wu-wei is the action of non-action. It’s not passivity per se, but rather working with what’s around you, using it fully and effectively. Instead of grousing about what you don’t have, or working hard to amass things and approval you don’t need, when you practice wu-wei you appreciate what you have, and use it efficiently.

When you don’t do this, what you’re doing is called striving, and it is a recipe for disaster. I know this firsthand from experience.

Back in the late 1990’s I first got involved in the BDSM scene, and I was a very greedy young thing. I spent every Friday and Saturday night out at various scene clubs and play spaces, attended every class I could, and played as often as I could.

People at the Phoenix Society in Baltimore used to call me “slut boy”, because I wanted to do and try everything. I would spend my Sundays in a dazed, exhausted, very sore haze, and then stumble into work on Monday, just counting the hours until the very next Friday night.

I was particularly proud of the fact that I had a high pain tolerance and had never safe worded. I came to regret that pride very shortly.

One particular Friday night at Phoenix, I’d worked up the nerve to tell this one particular domme that I was an adult baby, but had never been diapered in play, except by some pro-mommies, once. She snapped her fingers, and ordered me to get her a diaper from my toy bag, and proceeded to diaper me in front of everyone, on the spot.

It was amazing, and I loved it. I wanted it again, enough that I completely threw my own instincts, judgment, and self-preservation out the window.

The next night, I met up with her again, this time at a play space in DC. She was looking for someone to cane. I was scared of canes at the time, having never really played with them before. They were very stingy, and I’ve always been more of a thud person. But I was proud of how tough, adventurous, and open I was. And I sure wanted her to diaper me again.

So I let her chain me up to this St. Andrew’s cross and blindfold me, and without really negotiating anything, we got started. It wasn’t long before I was so deep in subspace that I didn’t notice when she brought someone else into the scene. They burned my nipple hair off with a lit cigarette, then the two of them caned me savagely, until my arms and legs began to spasm against the St. Andrew’s cross.

I couldn’t even respond clearly enough to safeword.

Lucky for me, one of my closest friends was there, watching the whole time. When he realized what was going on, and how fried I really was, he stepped in and stopped the scene. Tao really does provide. He got some water into me, dressed me, and whisked me out of the club for a much needed meal.

I didn’t quite know what had happened to me. My friend didn’t realize this, and took the best care of me he could. Several hours later, while bending over to pick up something off the ground, I winced as my shirt grazed my nipples, which were incredibly sore for some unknown reason. I went to pull my shirt away from my chest, and watched with amazement as a puff of cigarette ash floated up and out of my shirt.

And then all the memories came crashing back in, and I utterly and completely fell apart.

Tao had indeed provided for me. In my pride and arrogance, I had played unsafely, and caused myself suffering which I needed. It provided me that lesson, as well as my friends to watch over and care for me, both then, and in the weeks to come.

The next time I had the opportunity to play with that woman, I chose not to. And the next time I played close to a limit, I safeworded, without any ego whatsoever.

I enjoyed that play too – it was a wonderful, intense spanking that I was fully present for. Instead of taking more for the sake of eventually becoming something I wasn’t, or holding on to something I thought I should be, I just let go.

An unclenched heart makes for a wonderfully sore bottom.

Avoiding A Breakdown

 Posted by on May 16, 2011
May 162011
 

By Jay Morgan

My partner Georgia and I have many fantasies we share with each other. Some are too far-fetched to be practical, others not so much. Fantasy is what led us to discover rope bondage; the idea of the other person being tied, restricted, or bound in some way. We started with scarves, then medical restraints, then finally, trying to be cool, we got some hemp rope. The rest is history.

I like to think of fantasies like a car; the speedometer is a gauge of physical desire and the RPM’s a gauge of emotional acceptance. While we may be traveling at a high rate of speed, emotionally it can cause us to over-heat and break down.

Fantasy is healthy in a sexual relationship. Talking about the fantasy with your partner can remove the smoky mystery surrounding the idea, in one sense satisfying the desire. Sometimes, just talking about the fantasy is almost as good as living it. The sexually assertive enjoys fantasies, discovering what might turn them on, then possibly making that fantasy a reality.

As with driving safely, there is a certain amount of acceptance, patience, and foresight required. The person listening to the fantasy is the driver; there are rules to follow, obstacles to be aware of, and a path to choose. The passenger is along for the ride, trusting the driver, accepting the fantasy without getting caught up in jealousy or insecurity, resisting the temptation to grab the wheel.

Can we be unselfish enough to please our partner? Do we resist the urge to demand they stop the car and let us out? Or do we relax and enjoy the pleasant time spent together, letting the world spin without our help?

A key lubricant in any relationship machine is acceptance, not just sexually, but throughout the other aspects of your life. Be accepting of the fact that your partner might leave their wet towel on the floor after showering, or have a habit of leaving a papery mess on the kitchen table. Without acceptance, the myriad of all the little shortcomings can easily create a mechanical breakdown.

Think of your acceptance level like your vehicle’s RPM; they have to be relative to our speed. Trying to accelerate without shifting gears through life can cause damage to your vehicle. Acceptance of fantasy is just like proper vehicle maintenance or wearing your seatbelt, it gets you to your destination safe and happy.

Labels

 Posted by on May 14, 2011
May 142011
 

By Julian Wolf

Levi Strauss. Prada. Chanel, Sally Hershberger, Dolce & Gabbana, Calvin Klein, Stella McCartney, Paul Mitchell, Sara Jessica Parker, Christian Dior, Alexander McQueen. Chances are you recognize most of these names, and even if you don’t your style has by influenced by them and/or their contemporaries.

Frequently, we know our influences. Many people seek out designer labels and pay attention to the trends. Others find a style that works for them and they stick with it, year in and year out. Many people have signature styles, be it jeans and rock tee shirts, suits or custom leather. Hairstyle trends come and go, yet you’ll still see styles on runways today that would have been appropriate a hundred years ago.

Even Joan Rivers, one of the most seasoned red carpet commentators will ask “Who are you wearing?” as the stars take their long slow walk into various award shows and premiers. Even when the follow up is “Of course, I knew it was that designer!” or “I thought I recognized the style” she, and those in her field will always ask. My favorite fashion question usually doesn’t get asked until after the fact, “Why did you chose that outfit?” That, in my opinion, is where it can really get interesting.

Recently, it’s been brought to my attention that we rarely ask the right questions when it comes to style, but we readily place labels. We take a look, analyze, and label within a moment of someone coming into our visual range. Some of the comments that have been made to me over the years have ranged from amusing to infuriating. “Wow- I always assumed you were in drag!” “No, you must be a girl. You have long hair.” and just about everything in between.

One of my friends has struggled to find people to date and she’s been told it‘s because she‘s “too feminine” and therefore people assume that she isn‘t a lesbian. That same mentality has put me in conversations where people have confessed that they assumed I was, based on my frequently masculine appearance, a lesbian. This was, of course, before they bothered to find out where my inclinations really lie. That incorrect label, among others, frequently stayed stuck on me for years- and impaired the advancement of relationships with those who had ‘stuck” the wrong on me. Have you ever been mislabeled? Has it caused issues for you?

What’s the first thing that you thought when you saw the attached image? Did you see a girl in a summer dress or a boy in drag pushing their arms together to have their pecks appear more feminine? Perhaps you noticed the jewelry first, did the beads and placement of the rings tell you a story? Perhaps you didn’t give the image any thought at all- if so, why? How would you label the person in this image? How would you label the photographer? When it comes to images on websites, it is a rare opportunity that you can interact with the artist(s) and model(s), but asking yourself questions about what you see and how you interpret it is an excellent exercise. Going a step further and asking yourself how you represent yourself through your style can be revealing as well.

Let me offer you a proposition, gentle readers. Next time you see someone who intrigues you, ask them about why they’ve made their style choices. From the simplest comment (such as “I feel comfortable in this”) to the most complex conversation, you’re likely to learn something new, and help open your mind to seeing beyond the surface.

Enjoy yourself.

NEGOTIATION 201

 Posted by on May 12, 2011
May 122011
 

By Graydancer

I confess, I’m a “self-improvement” junkie. I love reading books on lifehacking, on how to get shit done, how to change your four-hour work habits for highly-effective Secrets of the 50 Cent Solution. At the same time, I tend to see the world through kink-colored glasses, so as I came to the chapter on “Negotiation” in “The Personal MBA I let out the requisite internal giggle as I thought of it in a kink context. “If they only knew the kind of negotiation classes MY friends teach,” I thought.

I proceeded to have my mind blown as the book highlighted some severe flaws in the way that we normally negotiate.

In the kink world, we basically focus on one aspect of the negotiation: the discussion between the two people involved. Hey, I think you’re cute; let’s talk about playing. Whether it’s the Foole Formula (“Hey, you wanna try some stuff?”) or Jay Wiseman’s multi-page questionnaire, when we talk about negotiation in the kink scene, we are usually thinking about this conversation. We talk about how to approach as equals, what questions to ask, etc. The discussion.

Thing is, in business terms? That’s the last step.

Before that, there’s the setup: the research you do on some other kind of important things, like the who.

Who is the actual person with the power to permit this interaction? Is it a Master or Mistress? A primary partner? A Dungeon Monitor? Of course we believe in free agency, in personal responsibility, and the ultimate decision lies with the individual. But pretending that there are not many other factors involved is simply willful ignorance or negligence.

How about the what? What is the environment? I’m not talking about the dungeon; I’m talking about events in their life, or during the day. Was there a really hot scene a moment before? Is their partner there? Did they eat a big meal? Just go through a breakup?

Besides being attractive to you, who is this person, and what do they want? What makes the scene you’re proposing seem appealing to them? Did you actually take the time to find out what they are into before you made the proposal, or are you just gambling that they’ll be into what you want to do? If you didn’t bother to consider these things, isn’t it possible that you are flagrantly and possibly non-consensually making use of their time and attention? For poly people especially those are two of the most finite resources out there, and while monogamous people may be major shareholders in them there’s still rarely enough to go around.

If you haven’t done the prep work, starting a discussion may not be a very responsible thing to do.

But that’s just the other person. What about you? Are you like me, and thought about all of these things in terms of what the other person is getting from you? Or perhaps you’re coming to the negotiation in a haze of pheromonal and visual attraction, with no clear idea beyond the initial hormonal rush of what you need. Who is going to be affected by your “yes”? If you get what you want from the scene, what are the possible consequences?

Here’s an example of the way I am usually approached for play:

“Hey, I know your dance card is probably full, but I’d like to be suspended, and I heard that you are really good at it and a very safe person to play with.” Sometimes this is flavored with some variety of “Don’t you think a hot little subbie like me would be fun? Master told me I am allowed to be VERY grateful, if you know what I mean…” About half the time it’s the person’s partner/owner/friend who’s asking the question.

There’s nothing wrong with that approach, mind you, and if you’ve asked me to play like this, I’m not writing this with a Wagging Finger of Remonstration. It’s just that there’s a few things that make that approach not work.

* I don’t do dance cards.
* I prefer a hot sexual connection to a flashy suspension.
* I am a sadist.
* I enjoy D/s and service but take them both very, very seriously.
* And while I am non-monogamous, I am not on the market for any new partners, sexual or otherwise.

I can think of exactly once that someone has come up to me with an actual knowledge of any of this. And I can’t think of any times that someone has bothered to ask. I say that with the full awareness that most of the time I didn’t bother to research the setup before starting the discussion either.

I think we know how to have the discussion. I think it’s time, as a community, we started raising the GDP – Gross Drama Prevention – by moving into Negotiation 201. Knowledge is power, and baby, power is hot.

Celibacy and Chastity

 Posted by on May 11, 2011
May 112011
 

By C.K. Persons

“Father what a waste” was a phrase used to describe a graduate school friend. Celibacy makes little sense to most people, but this description of my friend came from numerous budding theologians at a Catholic University! Most kinksters scoff at celibacy too. But I’d argue that Catholicism and kinky sexuality share a bit more in common about celibacy (and chastity) than meets the eye.

First, two important definitions: celibacy and chastity. Celibacy, at its most basic level, is abstinence from sexual encounters. But it means much more; it is a life without romantic, or exclusive relationships. As my friend would say, there is no “number one” in my life. (He’d then say, “But there are many number twos.”) Celibacy is currently a requirement only for ordained priests, and for men and women religious (e.g., Sisters of Notre Dame, Franciscans, etc.). Chastity, on the other hand, is a virtue that all Catholics are called to cultivate. Chastity is much harder to define, but in essence it is the integration of sexuality in one’s life. For instance, the genital expression of sexuality, according to the Catholic Church, belongs only in the context of marital relationships. Admittedly, there are serious problems with this viewpoint given, to name only one, relationships between gay and lesbian couples. Nevertheless, there is a tremendous value in chastity as a virtue, for it views sexuality holistically – and human sexuality is always a part of each person’s entire self.

To discuss the complete, complicated history of celibacy and chastity in the Catholic Church is far beyond the scope of this article, but there are some noteworthy theological and practical reasons for celibacy and chastity. Priests and religious, for example, pronounce vows of celibacy to focus all their energies on service. Celibacy makes them available to accompany others in a way that is harder to do for ordained priests who are married (and with families). (Married priests obviously can more easily relate to the vast majority of the world who are not celibate, however.) Chastity is meant to promote and maintain self-giving, loving relationships and communities. (It is also important to note that celibacy does not cause the unconscionable acts of sexual abuse. Furthermore, since only a very slim number of people can live healthy celibate lives, the Church must re-visit mandatory celibacy for ordained priests. After all, there were married priests for the first thousand years of church history. But there has always been and will always be a place for celibacy.)

Celibacy and chastity are not uncommon in the kink world. There are many people who choose celibacy in power exchange relationships (just for shorter time periods than a life-time, of course!). A submissive, for instance, may be put in “chastity” so that the submissive can focus all attention on the needs of the dominant. (Many elite athletes refrain from genital activity as well during their most competitive training and performance times.) Those interested in chastity play often mention the important role of sacrifice too. Their chastity (i.e., celibacy) is an offering to the dominant, not unlike how some priests and religious view their celibacy as an offering to God.

Ordained priests, religious, and kinky persons practice celibacy (and chastity) for some similar reasons, despite potential differences in theology and sexual beliefs. Such sexual practices make evident that at the very least celibacy and chastity are no waste.

It’s Not All Sexy on the Internet

 Posted by on May 10, 2011
May 102011
 

By Sexquire

If you’re reading this, chances are you’re familiar with the Internet, online news sites and blogs. Chances are also high that you have used the Internet to find or learn about sex in some way, shape or form (if not, click around the site a bit more, you’re bound to find something good). Although sex and socializing are the first things many of us think of when we fire up Firefox® or Safari® (because really, who uses Internet Explorer® anymore?), there is also an amazing array of business opportunities available on the World Wide Web.

However, before you rush out and decide to set up an online business, or to take your business online, or even before you start blogging or reviewing sex toys or some other sex-related online business, be sure to consider the legal implications of your actions. The Media Bloggers Association reports that an increasing number of lawsuits have been filed concerning blogging issues, and as states face ever-increasing deficits, they are turning to online businesses as a source of untapped tax revenue.

Though there is no clear-cut rule of law for Internet related businesses or bloggers as of yet, there are definitely things to keep in mind if this is something you are considering. Also, keep in mind that just because you aren’t making money from a website you run, it doesn’t mean you don’t need to treat it like a business. The below guidelines apply to any site on the Internet, not just those that actually make money.

* Use of images – You probably realize that you cannot use another person’s image without the owner’s permission (and yes, this even applies to Google images). This rule also applies to images used in blogs, even if the blog is merely for informational (non-advertising/non-commercial) purposes. (There are certain “fair use” exceptions, however erring on the side of caution and obtaining permission is never a bad idea). When dealing with a sex-related business, use of images becomes even more of a hot button issue, as you will want to have appropriate releases and proof that any humans appearing in your images are over the age of 18. These releases are technically only required if the models are nude or in sexually related situations, but there is no clear definition of these words, so I generally caution clients to obtain a release (often called a 2257 release) in most circumstances.

* Proper use of trademarks – Ever wonder how competitors can use each other’s names in advertising without facing trademark infringement claims? So long as the user indicates who the mark owner is and uses the ® or ™ symbol, there is generally no possible claim, unless the user makes a false statement about the competitor or their product. This rule applies to blogs as well as traditional advertising, and to any use of another person or company’s trademark. Even if you think the use is complimentary, be sure to use the appropriate symbol and indicate the owner of the mark. There is a lot of misinformation, particularly in the sex industry, related to trademarks and the use of the ®, but a quick check of the trademark records via the U.S. Patent and Trademark website (www.uspto.gov) will determine whether someone does indeed hold a registered mark, therefore allowing/requiring the use of the ®. If your website, blog or even you have a name other than your legal name that has become somewhat known, obtaining a federal trademark may be a good way to prevent others from using it without your permission.

* Taxes – Even the Internet isn’t safe from taxes. However, this wasn’t always the case. Not that long ago, most people shopped online confident that their purchases would not be subject to sales tax (unless they were buying from a merchant located in their state, and the merchant had their web store set up to correctly collect such tax). However, as states began to run deficits, they realized that these online purchases were an area where, in their opinion, they were giving money away. Enter the rise of the “use tax” and “use tax audits.” Many states have begun to subject all businesses (and in some cases individuals) to audits of their online purchases, assessing interest and penalties where it could not be proven that such sales were tax-exempt or that sales tax was collected and paid. If you sell things on your website, even if you operate only as an affiliate of another site, be sure to check that you are applying and collecting (and reporting) sales tax appropriately.

* Laws – If you run a cam or sex-related website, it is best to be sure that whatever you are broadcasting, reviewing or showing doesn’t run afoul of obscenity or other laws. Things that may be fine to show in some states may be outlawed in others (and whether this complies with the First Amendment may not be a fight you want to undertake when/if a local law enforcement presence contacts you). Do some research on the state where you are located and other states, and then consult a professional to determine whether you need to block access from certain states or (generally more likely) need to include a disclaimer.

Though it may be unlikely that your little blog or sex toy review site blows up into the next Internet sensation, no one can predict whether that is certain. For this reason, and for your own peace of mind, it’s best to consider what legal and tax-related issues your web presence may involve BEFORE you become the next viral star.

From Pageant Mom to Handler to Sash Widow

 Posted by on May 9, 2011
May 092011
 

By Indigo

From Pageant Mom to Handler to Sash Widow : Being the Girlfriend of International Ms Leather 2011

I am pleased to announce that this year’s International Ms Leather 2011 (IMsL) is my lovely girlfriend Sara Vibes. IMsL is a competition to determine the women that will represent the leather community and promote visibility, awareness and acceptance of the Gay, Lesbian, Bi-sexual, Trans and Queer community internationally. This weekend long event included educational workshops, safe play spaces, vendors and hot, sexy events. The competition includes a fantasy performance, speeches, a interview with the judges, and pop questions for each competitor. Alongside the IMsL competition is the International Ms. Boot Black 2011, kd Diamond being the current title holder.

Sara was approached by Glenda Rider, owner and one of the producers of IMsL and asked to run just six weeks before the competition. It took Sara only moments to decide to run for the title. And being her loving partner, I agreed to support her along the way. With very little time to run, we formulated a plan to gain a title that would allow Sara to shine in the sex education, leather, polyamorous and queer communities. I took on being her Pageant Mom and Handler, helping her create her costumes, speech and fantasy. If you have been reading my column, you’ll remember some time ago I wrote about hesitantly taking on being a service bottom.

Nothing pushed me into service space more than helping Sara prepare to run for this title. I discovered a lot of qualities about myself that I never knew (and was reminded of qualities I have being trying to forget). I’m a mirco-manager and an extreme multi-tasker. I love to be in control and I like things to go the way I planned. So you can imagine how stressed and anxious I get when things don’t go my way or when things are not organized in the way I think they “should” be. But the brilliant thing about being in service is that it’s not about me or my insecurities or my fears. It’s about the needs of the person I’m in service to. IMsL was all about Sara.

At the start of the weekend, I loved it: laying out all her outfits down to detail, preparing food and drink, scheduling times for her rest and giving her the perfect amount of kisses to calm her before rehearsals. But as the weekend got busier, I found myself tired, frustrated and overwhelmed. Usually, I would have a breakdown but I remembered, ‘I’m in service and this weekend isn’t about me.’ So I took a deep breath and went on a walk through the streets of San Francisco to calm my nerves. I realized it’s so much easier for me to take care of myself when someone special is depending on me. It feels damn good to take care of myself.

As the night of the competition neared, I was beginning to appreciate the results of our hard work! The connection that developed between Sara and I the weekend of IMsL was remarkable. We have been through a lot as a young couple and have put a significant amount of work into our poly relationship. She is my best friend, my ally, my sister girl, my lover and my partner and it was an honor to serve her.

Sara is the youngest IMsL titleholder (at the tender age of 22) and the first titleholder to represent New York City. Her goals for the year are to travel across the East Coast alongside the International Ms Boot Black, kd diamond. Sara plans to spread awareness about disabilities and sexuality by sponsoring charity events, teaching and speaking on behalf of leather women. And as we wind down from the weekend and shift back into our normal lives, I still don’t want to let go of the act of serving. Plus, there are plenty of things I do not know how to do yet, like fold shirts or lace a corset. So I am enlisting into “finishing school” and having a close friend show me the ropes of service bottoming! I’m excited and terrified and ready. Something I am beginning to discover is growing is never comfortable but for what Sara and I are up to, it’s certainly necessary!

I cannot even begin to express my love and gratitude for the leather, poly, kinky and queer folks who aided us in getting here. The weekend of IMsL I was awe at the continuous love and support I felt from the community. I felt the presence of family in a way I have not before. Thank you to all the people who encouraged Sara to run. You will not be disappointed!

Keep reading, as I embark on my journey as a Sash Widow and Handler of IMsL 2011, Sara Vibes!!

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