The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

 Posted by on April 24, 2011
Apr 242011
 

By Amethyst Wonder

Last month, I wrote about having my sexual orientation questioned. Continuing in that theme, this month I’m writing about identifying as a switch and being told that that means I can’t be dominant. I’m lumping these winners in with the aforementioned Sexual Orientation Police under the heading of “Stop telling me what I am!”

I received a message complimenting one of the photos on my profile – a photo of my feet in heels. The sender commented that it made him dream of being trampled beneath me. As it was a well written, polite, non-cut-and-paste message, I responded. What I got back was this:

“Upon closer inspection of your profile, I see that you are a switch. I am looking for someone who can truly dominate me. A switch can not do this. A switch is not a true dominant.”

As a side-note, I’m not sure how he found the fifth picture on my profile before seeing that I identified as a switch.

More to the point, I was irritated at his assertion that a switch could not dominate him. Granted, in a better mood, I could have just read it as a personal preference. But his abrupt tone definitely indicated that he saw this as a matter of fact, not opinion.

I could go off on a tangent here on how I feel about anyone who believes there is only one way to be dominant (or submissive, or queer, or femme, etc.), but that’s not where I’m going with this. After giving it some thought, I realized that there was a great deal of truth in his message, though probably not in the way he intended.

Submission must be given, and by refusing to give that submission to anyone who identifies as a switch, he is thereby ensuring that a switch will, in fact, never dominate him.

Anyone who’s done the online search knows you have to set parameters. But people don’t fit neatly into boxes. Standards are a good thing, but holding hard and fast to what are sometimes arbitrary and superficial criteria can be self-defeating. We have to ask ourselves if we’re cutting ourselves off from quality potential partners in an effort to oversimplify our search.

Hatred in The Hallways

 Posted by on April 23, 2011
Apr 232011
 

a Book Review

By Widow Centauri

Hatred in The Hallways: Violence and Discrimination Against Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Students in U.S Schools. 2001 Human Rights Watch.

Before I jump right into the nitty gritty of this book I’m going to say a few things.

Yesterday I sat down at a bar in Las Vegas. I found myself sitting between two people I did not know at all. I was sitting between a 35 year old stripper and a man who identified himself as being from Denver. I sat there between these people with my copy of Hatred in the Hallways on the bar. I ordered a Guinness. The man was sitting with a group of men, despite the fact that it was still the middle of the day this group of men were noticeably intoxicated. It didn’t take more than a few short minutes before a gay joke was cracked, though strangely it had nothing to do with my book. The stripper said to the man from Denver “I don’t have a problem with gay people, I have lots of gay friends, I lived in west Hollywood … I’m a fag hag.” The man from Denver retorted “I have lots of friends who have lots of friend, but I don’t agree with all that.” The banter continued for a few beats with one or both of them declaring their human tolerance, both asserting that they meant no disrespect, bla bla bla. Finally I could take it no longer, I told them both “this conversation is extremely disrespectful. Imagine if you replaced the word gay with the word black, the word Asian, the word women. This is the most offensive thing people do, and they do it all the time. Stop trying to make yourselves out to be saintly. Telling people that you’re a friend of the homosexual is not a friendly thing to do. Are we living in 1950? Get over yourselves. I’m gonna go sit over here. Your conversation is offensive.” And with that I took my stout and my book and sat by the big screen TV.

Seems that heteronormative straight culture has no real way of expressing their ‘tolerance’ without this self righteous ‘I’m okay if your gay (just as long as you don’t try to fuck me)’ claptrap. I’m sick of it.

I’m going to get onto the book but just a little note to acknowledge that I am breaking the rules by using the term ‘queer.’ I do realize that the term queer is not currently recognized as a politically correct term, that many LGBTQQIIKAPP&GQ people do not care for the term queer. I find it to be the most cohesive term to write with. I identify as queer though I’m in flux with it as it is beginning to sound to straight to me. I do like the word queer in written communication, it flows a little easier than the acronym LGBTQQIIKAPP&GQ. This is the reason I choose to use queer in my written works. If you have a word that you think would easily replace the term queer, please email me. I love new words and would like to hear from anyone who has useful terms that can replace my use of queer. I hope that my use of the word queer does not offend you or your mama.

Now, about this book.

Hatred in the hallways is a 2001 report written by the human rights watch. As the title implies it is an analysis of violence and discrimination against queer youth in U.S. public schools. This issue is very near to my nerves because I am a queer who loves school, but I didn’t always. I don’t know a single queer person who made it though school without being harassed (or in serious closet cases having to do the harassing to pass as straight). The experience of queer harassment in school is no secret. The Human Rights Watch put together a very well written report of the intricacies of how and why harassment of queer youth happens in schools and the effects is has on the students.

As adults, as educators, as role models to young people we do not speak of sexuality in healthy adult ways. We avoid the topic, we snicker, we make bad jokes and we pass on our insecurities to the next generation. This has the effect of escalating a problem of viewing sexuality as something negative, something worthy of ridicule, thus perpetuating a climate of hostile insecurity.

In U.S. public schools there are a number of policies that effectively silence the teacher from discussing sexuality, policies that threaten the teacher’s job. This censorship perpetuates a hostile climate for queer youth and teachers. When queer sexuality is seen as something stupid, something mock worthy, something fundamentally antithetical to the mainstream heteronormative point of view teachers and students must live in a world of fear, fear of job loss, fear for their education, fear for their physical and emotional well being.

Human Rights Watch has placed several first person interviews in this report. The interviews document the way harassment happens – student on student, teacher on student, student on teacher, administration outing and ignoring queer youth.

There are few policies to protect queer youth. Many people wonder why queer teachers do not protect, defend, or at least step in to prevent the harassment of queer students. The simple answer is that they to are living in a hostile environment. Teachers fear loosing their jobs, they lack the authority to speak about queer sexuality, they lack the training to intervene in situations of harassment, they are not protected and not given any reason to step up for the students, rather they are given incentives to let the harassment continue.

This book was published in 2001. The difficulties of ENDA (employment non discrimination act) were discussed. To date there is still no version of ENDA that has passed into law. Most federal and state employees are protected from termination due to the perception of their sexual orientation. This is not the case for teachers. In most public school systems in the US a teacher can be terminated for being (or being perceived as) queer.

Administration and teachers can be very cruel to queer youth. Often when cases of harassment are reported the adults who are in the position to protect queer youth fail them radically, they end up blaming the victims for the harassment saying things like ‘you chose this life’ and ‘it comes with being gay’ (2001 Human Rights Watch 83).

Queer teachers are often not in a position to act as allies to queer youth for fear of loosing their jobs. Additionally teachers lack the training, the authority, assume that the problem is too pervasive to be solved, and sometimes teachers take the view that ‘boys will be boys’. Still, other times teachers are homophobic themselves (2001 Human Rights Watch 73-83, 86-87).

Language training for teacher is important. Hatred in the Hallways had several interview subjects mention that their teachers said ‘that is so gay’ when what they meant was stupid. When the word gay is synonymous with stupid in the dialogue of teachers it is no wonder that the hostility towards queer students prevails. There was even one instance of a teacher calling a student a ‘faggot’ and joining in the harassment (2001 Human Rights Watch 61).

“A 1992 study of school counselors found that 2 of 3 [of those interviewed] had negative attitudes about gay and lesbian youth”

(296) J.T. Sears. Journal of Homosexuality. Vol ¾ 1992 p29.
(2001 Human Rights Watch 100)

Queer youth have significantly higher rates of drug use, skipping school, dropping out of school, unprotected sex, suicide, and general fucking up. The research points to this being a result of in school harassment based on their presentation of self. It is nothing short of a tragedy that the US government has done nothing to change this.

Despite the few federally mandated protections that are in place to help keep queer youth safe the Human Rights Watch clearly documents that these are overlooked and rarely acknowledged by school administrators. Title IX of the Education Amendment of 1972 prohibits sex discrimination in federally funded programs. Title IX also prohibits sexual harassment if the harassment creates a hostile environment (2001 Human Rights Watch 138).

Hatred in the Hallways contains transcriptions of stories of school counselors outing queer youth to their parents, then the youth being beaten by their parents for being queer; stories of school administrators denying GSA (gay straight alliance) formations, blaming queer youth for the harassment they receive, and even stories of teachers actually participating in the harassment. This situation is so ubiquitous that it looks like the mess described in The Cat and The Hat:

This mess is so big and so deep and so tall we cannot clean it up there is no way at all. –Dr.Seuss

But we have to clean up this mess. We are not in a position to sit ideally and do nothing to stop the inhuman treatment of these youth. Ignoring the problem only makes it greater. We have a social responsibility to fight for equality, for the fair treatment of people, and for a full-blown shift in perspective. The mainstream attitudes that permeate heteronormative culture keep all queer people living in fear. Dealing with the treatment of queer youth has the potential to help change the way young people see sexuality thus shifting the heteronormative, hate crime, fag as a slur, scared for your life and job way of life that so many queer people have to experience.

The time has come to take a stand for actual equality. Not equal rights for some people in some things, equal rights for all people. It is time that queer adults and allies stand up for the young people in the school systems. It is more important that people outside the education system take an interest because the laws are stacked against the queer adults working within the system. Demanding the right to an education should not be the job of a scared and harassed young person. If you made it through school against all odds you have a vested interest in this cause. Go to a local public school board meeting, they are open to the public. Go especially if you do not have any children in the school system. Read this book, tell people to stop the self-righteous ‘gay friendly’ hype that is nothing more than white washed discrimination. Take a stand as an intelligent person, ask the department of education to get heavy handed about fair treatment in schools. The time to fight is now.

Hatred in the Hallways is a fast yet emotionally exhausting read. Though it is a few years old it seems remarkably current because not much has changed in the last ten years. Do you want to make school suck less for queer youth? Read this book.

Know Your Presidents: Justine Lai

 Posted by on April 21, 2011
Apr 212011
 

By Erin Fae

A series of paintings of aging men and a nubile young woman. Think you know where this is going? Think again.

Artist Justine Lai paints herself having erotic contact with every President of the United States, progressing through these men in chronological order. She’s titled this ongoing work, “Join or Die.” Lai, born and raised in Sacramento, and now based in San Francisco, began this series of paintings in 2006. Her website shows her most recent encounter: Lai spread over Ulysses S. Grant’s knee, about to receive a very stern spanking.

These paintings are mostly flesh, beautifully executed with oil on canvas. Each painting is 18” x 24” and employs the same color palette. The brush strokes are gestural, but there is no mistaking the men in this series of work. Some people might write this work off as controversial for controversy’s sake or art for shock value, but it goes much deeper than that.

These images, while explicit, are not vulgar. Even in the most intense scene, there seems to be an intimacy and a vulnerability. While the subjects are familiar, these men are not simply celebrity. The Presidency is a role laid heavy with myths and personae carefully constructed through media, PR and history books. A President’s entire image has been sculpted to make him seem impenetrable, invulnerable, and untouchable. Lai’s work examines this and turns the Presidents into something else: humans.

What’s more, this series is about power. These are men that have always been viewed as powerful. That is part of the Presidency myth. However, the power here isn’t just about what Presidents posses in their working lives. It’s the power the artist seizes by creating these works and painting herself into imagined encounters. Lai also plays with power through the various sexual scenarios—how people give and take power in sex and intimacy, and the ways a person surrenders.

In her artist statement, Lai writes, “[In “Join or Die,”] I attempt to locate something intimate and mortal. I use this intimacy to subvert authority, but it demands that I make myself vulnerable along with the Presidents…. This, I feel, is the most humanizing act I can do.”

We all live with the Presidents. Open your bag or reach into your pocket. You can probably find a little bit of Lincoln to rub between your fingers. These men have become icons and symbols. More than a reality of these men’s lives, we live and experience the myths of these men. Lai uses art to explore their private sphere. She takes the Presidents and brings them into her own fantasy and reality.

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Just Add Water

 Posted by on April 20, 2011
Apr 202011
 

By Mako Allen

Your kinks are okay, really. So are mine. Everyone’s kinks can mix together quite nicely if we supply the one missing ingredient: water.

Verse Eight

The supreme good is like water,

Which nourishes all things without trying to.

It is content with the low places that people disdain.

Thus it is like the Tao.

In dwelling, live close to the ground.

In thinking, keep to the simple.

In conflict, be fair and generous.

In governing, don’t try to control.

In work, do what you enjoy.

In family life, be completely present.

When you are content to be simply yourself

And don’t compare or compete,

Everybody will respect you.

Taoism holds up the behaviors inherent in nature as examples for proper functioning. We can learn a lot from water, about living our kinks, and living in general.

There’s this tendency people have to compare themselves to others. “That bottom can take more pain than I can.” or “I know more about rope than that guy!” But the truth is, all water mixes together. Comparison for the purpose of establishing authority, or for vanity’s sake is a useless endeavor. When you play with others your water mixes with theirs, and the scene you create is unique because of it.

Letting your water mix with that of others creates flow, bonding you together. Isn’t that what a good scene is really all about? Connecting, sharing sensation, pleasure, and emotion make playing with others sublime.

Water can serve as a negative example, too. Still or calm waters are clear, and easy to see through. Consider rapids though. Water crashes and tumbles over rocks, becoming frothy and agitated. Such water is impossible to see through, and to fight. Instead of moving in one direction, it slops around like crazy, spilling and hissing over the shore, making a muddy mess.

We’re just the same when we strive. Instead of moving with our play partners, melding our kinks with theirs, we struggle to exert control, push the scene in uncomfortable directions. Ever get a spanking, without a warm-up, on a day you were tired and not really up to play? That’s the kind of striving I’m talking about. No matter how much you want it to feel good, sometimes it just doesn’t.

That’s not to say that you can’t learn new things, and grow in new directions. Actually, if you act like water, you’re infinitely capable of doing so. Water has no shape, but adapts itself to whatever container holds it. It seeps through cracks, gradually, seeking the lowest ground, quietly going wherever it can. It seeks new paths incessantly, tirelessly, without fail.

We can be that way too. By being open to new activities, interests, and fetishes we find our way to new places. If we put aside prejudices and ego about what we should do, we find that we can do all sorts of things.

I recently had a conversation with a friend who’s an extreme player, and gets beat black and blue all the time – but who is absolutely terrified of being infantilized, by being talked down to, or put in a diaper. I pointed out to her how strong she’d have to be to let that happen to her, and now she wants to try it.

Similarly, a friend of mine recently taught me fire play. He and I did a wonderful scene using rubbing alcohol and fire swabs to light up another bottom, an age player who doesn’t normally step outside of his diapered comfort zone. We dragged these lit fire swabs up and down his back, brushing and swatting the fires away with our hands. When we were done, the bottom told me how amazingly soothing, warm, and comforting it felt. It made me feel powerful to do it, and tapped into my own daddy-energy, because I wanted to do it with precision and care.

I remember thinking years ago how fire play was painful and scary and not for me. How silly of me. Lao-tzu has it right – we over think everything. Keep it simple.

There’s this other thing about water: it’s for everyone. There’s this phrase I’ve heard for years in the kink community, “Your Kink is OK”, or YKIOK for short. The unspoken part at the end of that sentence is, “even if it’s not my kink.”

That sort of peaceful coexistence has so many benefits. When you are tolerant of others’ interests and don’t dismiss them, you might find you actually enjoy them. Even if you don’t, your tolerance eliminates the need or desire to compare what you do with what they do. That’s a very big burden to throw off! You can play with others unafraid of being judged for what you like. You never know how or when that open-minded attitude will win you friends, advocates, and allies. I’ve seen this personally in my experience with people into pony play.

When I first went to Camp Crucible several years ago, I met more ponies than I ever had before. I didn’t know a lot about them at the time, but kept an open mind. I found that it was really easy to see them as the ponies they wanted to be seen as. I remember petting them, watching them train, and being praised by their trainers for being mindful, and well mannered around them.

This, I think, is the crucial thing. Even though I didn’t know about pony play, I came to it with an open mind, and an open heart. I embraced the joy it brought the ponies and their trainers.

Clearly, it showed. Without my having asked for it, the ponies and their trainers treated me like the big kid I felt like inside. They praised me for being gentle with the ponies, using an inside voice to talk to them, stroking and petting them gently, too. I, and my age play, was as much an unknown quantity to them, but they instinctively sought to see me in my entirety, to drink me in, like I was doing for them. My water mixed with theirs, and it was oh so sweet.

What are sex-positive business services?

 Posted by on April 18, 2011
Apr 182011
 

By Sexquire

Whenever I tell someone about my business Sexquire, I am often asked “well what does that mean?” I describe the business as a “sex-positive business services company”, so I can see how a person might think “What? Sex positive business services? Do you hand out condoms with tax returns? Screen porn in the lobby?” The answer to both of those is no, but I’m going to take this first column to explain what this does mean to me and what type of clients we work with.

I am now and have always been a business attorney, working primarily with small and medium sized businesses. I handle all sorts of matters for my clients, from setting up their companies to reviewing contracts to trademarking names and logos to negotiating them out of all manner of places they don’t want to be. I’m sort of a jack-of-all-trades business adviser, and love nothing more than helping a small business owner or independent contractor take their business and themselves places they never thought possible. Along the way, I was fortunate enough to pick up some sex-positive businesses and individuals as clients. And let me tell you, when your daily work involves manufacturing companies whose work boils down to “bending metal into other things,” finally getting to work with businesses you believe in that do amazing sexy work? That’s a gift.

As I took on more and more work for these businesses (and as they grew in size) I found myself often dealing with an interesting phenomenon. The business owner or individual would call me and ask if I knew any “fill in the blank” professionals (accountants, marketing folks, graphic designers, printers, etc.). I generally did, and would pass on the names/contact info for folks that I knew and trusted. However, unlike most referrals, these didn’t always succeed. More often than not, my client would call back and explain how they didn’t seem to hit it off with the referral, or how all was going well until they asked what exactly it was they did.

It became increasingly clear to me that many, if not most, of my fellow business professionals, had a BIG problem with sex-related and sex-positive businesses, and that if I wanted to be of the most service to my clients, I was going to need to seek out the exceptions. I knew there had to be some – sex positive folks exist everywhere. So I set out to ask some very pointed questions to all the professionals who contacted me to “see how we could be of use to each other’s clients.” It was refreshing and eye-opening to ask accountant whether they worked with all types of businesses, and then follow up with “even if the inventory includes dildos? How about butt plugs? Did you know sex workers can write off the toys they use for work? Do you think they have to restrict them to JUST work use or can they write off a portion if they also use it a bit personally?”

And so on, and so on. Many courageous conversations with uneasy professionals to find those that shared my affinity for these amazing businesses and the people running them. So this is how Sexquire came to be, and what I mean by “sex positive business services.” No one that works with our company is simply “okay” with sex work or sex positivity, they must also be sex positive themselves. It’s been a lot of work to find the right people, and we’re always looking for more folks to help us round out our services, but it’s been amazing so far. In coming columns you’ll hear from different Sexquire service providers on topics as wide-ranging as issues particular to online sex businesses to how exactly one does write off sex toys. Let us know if there’s anything in particular you want to hear about. After all, we’re service-oriented!

Service Sweeter Than Wine

 Posted by on April 16, 2011
Apr 162011
 

By GrayDancer

“It’s like this,” JP said, gesturing at the glass of wine between us. It was back-lit by the small candle on the table, next to the plate with the three truffles – correction, one truffle and two half-eaten truffles – and adjacent to a pinot grigio shedding an amber glow. “There are a lot of people who would enjoy this vintage. But they only appreciate what’s in the glass. They love the taste, maybe the aroma, enjoy the effects of the alcohol. And that’s where it stops.”

We were sitting in CafeTaste, a lovely little wine cafe in Toronto whose owner, Jeremy, has super powers.

Let me digress for a moment to tell you about Jeremy. His passion is wine, and when he comes to your table, he will not ask you what kind of wine you want. Instead, he will ask you how your day was, what you had for lunch. He might ask what you enjoy doing in the summer, and what kind of candy you liked as a child. He’ll ask what level of Call of Duty: Black Ops you’ve last completed, and perhaps if your parents have any tattoos. Jeremy then will nod decisively and say “I have something I want you to try.” Moments later he will return to your table with a tasting glass of a wine you never heard of that rolls over your tongue like a sweet gentle sleepy Sunday morning orgasm and sinks through your palate and into your spine where it will echo for days afterwards.

Jeremy is amazing that way. But JP was talking about service.

“Service is like this wine,” JP said. “If you only appreciate the wine in the glass, you have reduced it to product. To accept it gracefully, you have to appreciate process. These truffles…” He looked at DNGG, seated next to me, enjoying her Merlot. “I know you don’t care for chocolate much, but if you did, you should try one of these, because they are – ” and then he made a gesture with his hand, like palming a basketball over the tiny plate of rounded treats. It was a Jedi benediction and under it the plate seemed to lift a tiny “Hallelujah!”, echoing JP’s wordless tribute to the tiny perfect balls of chocolate paradise.

“They do look wonderful,” DNGG smiled, graciously, and he smiled back.

“Yes. You see? Even not liking chocolate, you can tell that they are – ” and he made that gesture again. DNGG laughed at his silent eloquence, and I couldn’t help but admire the way he proved his point. If a truffle is so good that you can enjoy it without ever having it pass your lips, that’s one seriously bad-ass chunk of sweet.

JP picked up a piece, the remains of the Single Malt Scotch truffle. “Service is process. It never comes to an end. Instead, it comes to rest. It doesn’t resolve.” He popped it into his mouth, closed his eyes, and let the flavor sweep through him.

I picked up my wine glass, swirled it a bit, appreciating the chill waves through the glass as the liquid flowed past my fingertips. I thought about a woman I knew who had told me about a different level of service, beyond following orders, beyond anticipating wants. She had found of a kind of service where the one she served wasn’t even aware that she was doing things he didn’t even know was necessary. And yet she did them, and they sustained her.

JP would understand the proper way to appreciate that kind of service, I thought. Me? Well… I sipped the wine, wishing I could remember what label it was.

JP lifted his hand to catch Jeremy’s attention. “Coffee?” Across the room, the man nodded. He didn’t need to ask how JP wanted it.

And JP appreciated that. Gracefully.

Sex on Display: Erotic Museums for the Masses

 Posted by on April 16, 2011
Apr 162011
 

By DNGG

If you want to know what’s important to a culture, check out the institutions that form their cultural and national identity. Look to their museums, monuments, archives, and educational centers for clues. Search out the places and products that claim to enshrine the nation’s collective memories and you will discover what that society places value on.

While our nation has hundreds…possibly thousands of institutions that celebrate and commemorate political power, scientific innovation, medical advancements, preservation of racial/ethic histories, and artistic expression, there are some topics that are glaringly absent from field. Take sex for example. While the average American starts having sex around the age of 16 and will have sex over 100 times per year1, cultural institutions safeguarding and cataloging our nation’s sexual practices and history for future generations are hard to find. Luckily, there are a few fine sites that have stepped up to the plate to do just that, to keep the topic of sex (and all the things that go along with it) from being swept under the rug, forgotten, or buried in shame.

1. The Museum of Sex (New York City): Located in the city that never sleeps, the Museum of Sex has pledged to “preserve and present the history, evolution, and cultural significance of human sexuality.”2 Since its opening in 2002, the Museum has produced 15 exhibits and five virtual installations, while maintaining a permanent collection of over 15,000 artifacts. Straddling the line between academic resource (the site houses an impressive research library and multimedia library) and pop culture tourist destination, the Museum of Sex is a “must visit” site for those with an interest in human sexuality.

2. World Erotic Art Museum (Miami Beach, FL): The World Erotic Art Museum (WEAM) claims to be the home of “the largest collection of erotic art in America.”3 Featuring paintings, tapestries, sculptures, and a variety of unique art objects, the WEAM has a little something for everyone. Throughout its 20 galleries, visitors can find traditional representation of sex to specifically LBGTQ oriented fare to images that highlight fetishism.

3. Erotic Heritage Museum (Las Vegas, NV): A relative newcomer to the field of erotic museums (doors opened in 2008), the Erotic Heritage Museum is fast on its way to establishing itself as a major destination for sexuality scholars and educators as well as curious tourists. Sponsored by the Exodus Trust, the same organization that owns and manages the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco, the Erotic Heritage Museum dedicated to “the belief that sexual pleasure and fun are natural aspects of the human experience, that such pleasure must be made available to all, and that our individual sexuality belongs to each of us.”4 With that in mind, they invite you to drop by the next time you’re passing through the city of sin.

4. Leather Archive and Museum (Chicago, IL): If you’re looking for the kinkier side of erotic museums, check out the Leather Archive and Museum (LA&M). Founded in 1991, the LA&M houses a plethora of articles pertaining to Leather, fetishism, sadomasochism, and alternative sexual practices. With notable artifacts such as original works by Tom of Finland and the largest collection of original Etienne works in the world, the LA&M has been a mecca for those interested in Leather culture and alternative sexuality.

5.The Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction (Bloomington, IN): While the Kinsey Institute isn’t a museum per se, it is one of the oldest American cultural institutions to unabashedly catalog, display images, and discuss issues surrounding sex. Founded in 1947 by sex researcher Alfred Kinsey, the Institute has been a trusted source on human sexuality for over 60 years. It is the grandfather of the modern American erotic museum/archive.

As a nation, perhaps we’re not quite ready to claim our sexuality as a central part of our national identity. However, if you’re ready to learn more about the historical (and contemporary) place of sex in our lives, the site listed here will be more than happy to help you along on that journey.

1 The Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction

2 Museum of Sex website, http://www.museumofsex.com/inside/our-mission-and-history/

3 World Erotic Art Museum website, http://www.weam.com/web/index.php?categoryid=1

4 Erotic Heritage Museum website, http://www.eroticheritagemuseumlasvegas.com/#!about-us

No Shortage Of Unicorns

 Posted by on April 14, 2011
Apr 142011
 

By Jay Morgan

I read it in profiles all over the Fetlife. The search for a single bi female, sought after with the same eagerness BDSM groups seek play-spaces, usually with the same disappointing result. Hungering for a unicorn, like a lion stalking a herd of Gazelles, never leads to a healthy threesome or the feast the couple is so desperately seeking. Alternatively, there is very little to any advertising for a single bi male, ostracized in much the same way as abortion, breath play, or the return to the gold standard.

As a believer in sex positive, laissez-faire anarcho-capitalism, there are not artificial “shortages”. There might be a finite supply, but if you are determined, supply will always meet demand. For example, there is no shortage of Picasso paintings, the price may be high, but there is no shortage. Consider this; do we have a “shortage” of roads at rush hour, or does the peak demand surpass peak quantity ?

One can easily see proof of this phenomena in the kink/bdsm world. Consider the Unicorn, the typically single, outgoing, perpetually cool, free spirit bi-sexual that is sought after by so many, singles and couples alike. The Unicorn, like discovering a particular kink that grabs you by balls and doesn’t let go, finds you. When someone makes the effort to create the right conditions to meet the Unicorn; getting out meeting people, helping out with events, volunteering, talking to that person at work that always wears the sexy leather heels, will allow for success. The interaction with people in these times will eventually bring the Unicorn sauntering across your path, whether platonic or sexual in nature.

On final analysis, there really is no shortage of Unicorn’s in the sexual context, regardless of whether you are swinger or kinkster. If a casual once in a while scene evolves into a friendship, which evolves into a permanent triad, quad, or house of lovers, then let it evolve that way. Forcing the issue on any one person, making your own standards so high they cannot be met, or feelings of inadequacy can sabotage any relationship, sexual or platonic.

A patient couple who creates the right conditions for success will more than likely see the rare unicorn cross their path. The Unicorn is out there, clopping through the woods, waiting for someone to run across its path. So get out of the house, meet some people and go where the supply is. Munches, play parties, conferences, there is no shortage of places to meet, nor are there shortages of unicorns.

Sensing More Deeply

 Posted by on April 13, 2011
Apr 132011
 

By Selina Minx

A great many things in life benefit from more sustained attention. In the realms of BDSM and magick especially, the ability to regulate one’s attention is key. And of course any activity which involves another person will benefit from more sustained focus and attention. Communication is a diverse and multi-layered endeavor between two people. Good verbal communication is not always possible in deeper head spaces or perilous circumstances. If you like to play in the heavier scenarios, it really benefits to be adept and attuned to non-verbal cues.

It is essential to be attentive to your submissive or partner. By checking their body language, and watching their subtle facial expressions it is possible to gain a much clearer picture of the moods, needs and boundaries of the other party. Ultimately this creates the opportunity to commune on a much deeper level.

Below are a few qualities to tune in to in order to maximize any power exchange scenario.

Pain offers a delightful gradient of expression which really allows us to enjoy other beings at their barest and most raw. Be like a gourmand about your partner’s pain. Know their different aspects and hot spots. Being well acquainted with your bottom’s baseline pain response will allow you to know when they are more reactive or responsive than usual. Be responsive to their changing state and your play will remain effective and exciting. By sensing as they approach their limits, and backing off before they articulate a boundary, you can build trust and build receptivity and pain tolerance to higher levels.

Longing is an exquisite aspect of the heart which fuels bonding and power exchange. Sensing your partner’s desire or arousal gives you a definite psychological advantage over them. Verbalizing their state of excitation can be very objectifying and embarrassing, as it emphasizes the deeper awareness, experience and power of the top. By putting the bottom in their place and making them self-conscious about their arousal it is possible to create a feedback loop wherein the sub feels turned-on, exposed, powerless and longing in ever increasing cycles.

Devotion is a type of focused emotional bonding energy. By sensing a slave’s level of devotion and focus you can estimate how much time or energy to yourself invest in their training. Some slaves are motivated by the desire for sensation or pleasure. This can be fun to play with, however, these slaves are not as well-suited for deeper synergy. A slave who is motivated by psychological factors such as security and approval or emotional factors such as attachment or love will have greater opportunities to contribute to the lifestyle of the Mistress. They will also have greater opportunities to feel the love of the Mistress.

Resistance is an essential emotional quality to be attentive for. If your sub or partner demonstrates resistance it is extremely important to this address immediately. The submissive mind-state makes it easiest to go along with the wishes of others. Because of this tendency, resistance, even if justified, may be fleeting and/or subtle. The attention must be finely tuned to sense subtle expressions of discomfort, subversion or unexpected damage to the bond of any sort.

By tuning into these micro-reactions it is possible to guide a submissive through an experience even if they themselves have difficulty experiencing, communicating or expressing their own emotions. If the sub is testing your power in subtle ways it is essential that this be addressed immediately. A sub will feel insecure and possibly rebellious if their subtle infractions go unnoticed. Or perhaps your partner isn’t feeling trust yet, and their resistance serves to bring the intimacy down to a level they are comfortable with.

BDSM is an art which trains all of the senses. Honing the ultimate sensing organ, the brain, can only enhance one’s experience. Tune in to the subtleties, the spirit of things, and take your relationships in play to a level you never anticipated.

Tune in, turn on and tie up!

Ms. Minx

The Trouble with Two Seeking One: A Message for the Ladies

 Posted by on April 12, 2011
Apr 122011
 

By Indigo

Recently, my partner V and I have been celebrating our poly firsts. I had my first play date without her at Dark Odyssey Winter Fire and V has been traveling for the first time on her own which we have been calling “independent girl time.” We are both beginning to attend new events and parties that help us further explore various sexual practices and having sex with amazing hot individuals. Every day, we pat ourselves on the back for all the hard work we’ve done to get to this place in our poly relationship.

But one thing we are still struggling with as a couple is attracting other poly woman. When we approach women as a couple, we often get reactions of intrigue and curiosity. Apparently, it’s not common for a hot bigger bodied black female couple to try to pick up women. Go figure?! So once a woman gets past the fact that we are hitting on them, a flood a nervous quiet energy often follows. Our attempts to attract have usually ended up sort of fruitless because the woman we speak to get too shy to give us a clear answer about whether or not they are interested in playing together. V and I always leave these situations a little confused, thinking maybe we were too pushy or too direct or maybe even too sleazy (though V seems to enjoy her sleaze…and, well so do I!). When we do get the point that sex will ensue, woman tend to tell us that their sudden shyness comes from being intimidated. After hearing this, I was a little confused. V and I are barely five feet tall and are usually a giggly goofy mess. How could we possibly be intimidating?

So, without any idea as to why this kept happening, I asked a close friend what it is about V and I that turned women so shy. She tells me we have the perfect poly relationship and that for some, it can be overwhelming. Now I was really confused. What’s wrong with having a solid poly relationship? And why is it so difficult for woman to be with our hot poly energy?

To be quite honest, V and I are far from the perfect poly relationship. We are always struggling with something: spending enough time together, being in clear communication and checking in with each other when it’s hard to say what there is to say. This stuff isn’t easy but we are committed to something. We are committed to staying loyal to each other while exploring emotional, physical, and spiritual connects with others. In fact, I don’t even think there is a perfect poly relationship. Polyamorous relationships are defined by individuals alongside the people they choose to share themselves with. So there is no perfect image, just what works best for all parties involved.

As for being intimidated, I can’t help but make this a societal conversation. Society continues to push women to the margins by re-enforcing the belief that we cannot be openly sexual or aggressively pursue the people we desire. A “good woman” is receptive to attention, well behaved, shy and slightly submissive. Now I’ll admit I have some of these qualities but I use these qualities to empower myself to have what I want in my relationships. Sometimes I wish other women would do the same! Okay, that sounded kind of cocky.

So here’s the point: ladies, it’s okay to communicate your anxiety about being openly hit on by a poly couple. Take this on as an opportunity to experience your sexuality with a set of safe, fun woman who only want you express what is true for you. And, feel free to say no if you’re unsure. Being in communication is the only way V and I will know if we are over stepping our bonds or laying it on to thick. So talk to us and no matter what the outcome, you will not be disappointed!

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