Queer Idenity #1

 Posted by on March 22, 2011
Mar 222011
 

By Shanna Katz

This month’s Out of the Box brings you Tiara the Merch Girl (also appearing as Mendhi Henna at a erotic site near you), from http://themerchgirl.net. She has many many many idenities, but I chose to speak with her regarding her queer identity, as it has seem to be conflicted, had a long journey to get there, and if often some what of an invisible identity as the community can sometimes discriminate against queer people that are in what may appear to be heterosexual relationships. As I wrote about this policing over at my other column, Unapologetic, I really wanted to make sure that her voice was heard and her queer identity recognized.

What are some other identities of yours:

Asian (Bangladeshi, Malaysian), Australian resident (though the bridging visa makes that hard), female, poly, pansexual, performance artist, creatrix of awesome, Muslim when back in Malaysia as it’s on my ID card, Perpetual Other

Define your queer identity – what does it mean to you, how long have you had this identity, how was the process of getting there?

I’ve had crushes on girls and guys since I was 12 but it took me a while – specifically, falling head over heels with my still-best-friend in a way unlike anything else when I was 16 – to really realise that I was not as straight as I thought I was. First I figured I was bisexual, then I heard about ”pansexual” and thought that fitted better because I liked people, not body parts. Within the last couple of years I adopted ”queer” because it’s better understood in Australia and has a political cachet to it. Now I’m mostly queer, but probably leaning towards lesbian with an exception (my long-term boyfriend).

It’s only really been within the last few years that I’ve done anything about my sexuality.

Growing up I was rather asexual, mostly because the concept of sex just seemed so messy and pointless and STD-inducing (or PREGNANCY ZOMGS). I figured I’d wait till I found someone worth the wait. Then my boyfriend showed up about a month after I arrived in Australia and I discovered making out what a hell of a lot of fun! After a couple of years I was feeling frustrated that

I hadn’t had any experiences with women, but didn’t want to leave my boyfriend (who is awesome in a zillion ways) just because I needed more experience. Turns out he thought I should explore too! So hence came the polyamoury, then a LONG time of feeling like a useless queer because I couldn’t get a girl interested in me (bah), then a short fling online that turned awry before we even had a chance to meet in person, which led to months of heartbreak, then surprise! An older woman takes a shine to me and takes me on as a lover. And it was AWESOME. So yay, now I feel like a properly qualified queer instead of a poser!

Talk about some of the language surrounding this identity – what terms do you like/dislike?

Hm. Well there’s a thousand words for ”queer”, or lesbian or bisexual or pansexual etc, but no matter what I used I’ll get asked about it – especially since I’m in a committed (if open) heterosexual relationship with a typically straight cis guy. I don’t really know if there are any words that strike me in particular. What does frustrate me is the idea of the ”qualified lesbian”, or that you can only really be queer if you’ve actually slept with particular genders or act a certain way or something. But language-wise? Hm. I wish there was something for ”I like people :D”.

What are some common questions you get about this identity? How do you answer them and how do they make you feel?

I often get asked if I am really queer because of my boyfriend. Which is annoying. My family doesn’t really talk about sexuality and even though they know of my inclinations they don’t really ask anything. When I more strongly identified as ”pansexual” people often asked how I can just like people regardless of body parts, surely I preferred one to the other, or I get asked which is better – sex with a man or with a woman. I haven’t had enough of a sample size to really answer that, and besides it’s not the gender it’s the person! Bad lovers and good lovers exist regardless of plumbing!

What are some of the positives of having this identity?

The queer community in Brisbane has mostly been pretty good. They’re much more receptive to my performance art, which is great, and I’ve met so many wonderful people through being involved with the queer community online and offline. Most queer people I hang out with also have great passion and intelligence in other fields – arts, sexuality, social justice, whatever their fancy – which leads to a lot of great adventures and learnings. They get what it’s like to be different, and welcome me as I am (mostly).

What are some of the struggles that have come along with this identity?

I felt like such a fraud until my current lady lover showed up (which was in December!!) because I was in a committed (yet open) heterosexual relationship. People were assuming that I was just like those ”barsexuals”, girls who make out with girls for attention, and I was frustrated because it’s not like it’s my fault I couldn’t get a girl or grew up in a conservative country! Geez! Also because I don’t code as queer (I don’t look like the stereotypes) I tend to be seen as ”brown” and not much else, which makes visibility REALLY difficult. And there are arseholes, but they’d be annoying no matter what, so eh.

How does this identity fit or not fit with your other identities?

Often people see the ”foreign” and forget everything else, including ”queer” – it’s like if you have one striking identity that’s it for you. There’s really no space within my culture to talk about any sort of sexuality, let alone being queer, so when I’m back with my family or back in Malaysia it ends up being non-existent. I sometimes wonder at people like my friends who are very insistent about not being misidentified or misgendered – I can see why, but I just think ”good luck doing that with family like mine!” because you’d just be seen as a troublemaking rabble-rouser. Perhaps it’s a reflection on individualist vs collectivist societies, where in Australia you have a right to have your personal identity be recognised while in Malaysia you’re meant to fit in to a collective identity and not draw so much attention on yourself. Being queer works well with being poly, and even as a queer person I feel like an outsider due to race and cultural clashes, so hey – Perpetual Other time!

How do you feel this identity is received in the sexuality and/or sex positive communities?

Isn’t it pretty much the default identity for those in the sex-positive world anyway? I just wish more people took me seriously as a queer person, rather than get flummoxed by my Other-ness to even consider the fact that I have a sexuality. And that just because I identify as queer doesn’t mean I share the same politics or concepts of queer as they do.

What else do you want people to know about this identity?

Brown is a queer colour too, even if it’s not in the rainbow.

The Hell with Should

 Posted by on March 21, 2011
Mar 212011
 

By Mako Allen

Back in my early teens, I was convinced that if I didn’t get a spanking and soon, I’d just about die from unhappiness. I thought that all I had to do was get that spanking and I’d be fine, and everything would be great. Some pain in my bottom would forever remove that lingering pain in my chest, right? Sadly, that just wasn’t the case. After I began to get regular doses of spankings, they’d almost always be followed by that hideous sensation of “drop”. I loathed the feeling and longed for a cure for it. Lao-tzu does have an answer for this.

Verse Seven:

The Tao is infinite, eternal.

Why is it eternal?

It was never born;

thus it can never die.

Why is it infinite?

It has no desires for itself;

thus it is present for all beings.

The Master stays behind;

that is why she is ahead.

She is detached from all things;

that is why she is one with them.

Because she has let go of herself,

she is perfectly fulfilled.

Before we can understand Lao-tzu’s answer though, we have to understand exactly what the problem is. What exactly is drop, and what causes it? Every time I’ve experienced drop it’s been after some amazing high, from a scene, or being with a group of people, or attending an event. It’s like I reached the top of the fun rollercoaster, and felt the crashing descent as I traveled back down.

That descent is a hideous cocktail of negative feelings. There’s wistful longing for the fun you just had, despair that you’ll never feel like that again, regret that you have to move past what seemed like a perfect moment, too.

I remember once at a spanking party a friend spanked me savagely, and afterwards, as she was cuddling me, I softly cried a bit. Not because my bottom hurt so much, but because I knew that I’d never get spanked like that ever again.

Here’s the funny thing about that: that’s actually true. You can’t ever do the same scene twice. That however, is actually good news. The truth is that Tao provides, and that there are no shortages. There will always be another spanking. It might be better, it might be worse. It’s definitely going to be different. I think that drop comes from an unspoken implicit sense of abandonment. But it’s an illusion – the Tao will bring you more spankings, never fear.

If drop is what happens after an event or scene, I think perfectionism is what happens before it. We go looking for that perfect spanking; strive to be that ideal top, or submissive.

But chasing perfection is a waste of time. The truth is, everything’s already perfect just the way it is. If you waste your time worrying about how things should be, you lose sight of how amazingly wonderful they already are.

That’s the big issue: attachment. When you obsess about how something was, or how it might be, you don’t get to fully embrace how it actually is. Detachment is the very opposite of this behavior. By not fixating on needing or being anything, we become one with everything.

Being detached doesn’t mean you don’t care about things, though. It means that you experience things fully as they happen, and then let them go, as you move onto fully feeling the next thing. It’s a skill. I’m very fond of saying that enlightenment isn’t something you are, it’s something you do.

Tao is funny though, it’s an ever patient teacher, and nursemaid. It follows us around, taking care of us, gently and with humor. When we become convinced that we’ve found the greatest experience of our lives, the Tao snatches it away. It’s not laughing at us, it’s laughing with us. We just forget to join in sometimes. (It also makes the worst experiences go away too, by the way.)

A big reason why we forget to laugh is because we’re too busy being occupied with how we, or things should be. The more we focus on how things might be, the more joy we suck out of our lives. It’s like we blunt ourselves, reducing the amount of feeling we have. It’s a form of hell. Which is why I say the hell with should.

When you do make a habit of avoiding the idea of should, you’ll find that it opens you up to all sorts of power, potential, and possibility. For example, when I stopped worrying about the kind of spanking partner I should have, I met all sorts of new ones. When I stopped obsessing over how I should be spanked, I learned to love being caned. Does this mean you should do like I have, and try to eliminate the very concept from your life? You can probably guess what Lao-tzu and I have to say about that.

The Pope Broke My iPhone

 Posted by on March 20, 2011
Mar 202011
 

By GrayDancer

I used to count myself among the faithful. I was, in fact, an evangelist. I eagerly awaited the pronouncements of Steve the Prophet, I endured the Dark Age of Amelio, I was among those on my knees when Wired Magazine published its one-word iconographic cover as it looked like Apple might die:

“Pray.”

For a time, it seemed my prayers were answered. As Apple’s fortunes reversed and rose, my friends stopped persecuting me. I was no longer ridiculed for not having a “serious” computer; envious looks were cast my way as I said things like “Viruses? What viruses?” When I began my podcast, six years ago, it was with nothing but my Powerbook, through which I literally raised my voice to the world.

Then cracks began appearing in the edifice that was my affirmed faith in the Apple.

The first signs were subtle. The takeover of the podcasting world by iTunes. The complaints heard from developers (the monks, nuns, and friars of the Apple Faithful) about inflexible requirements and demands by the powers behind the logo. Digital Rights Management. Suddenly the brand I loved and promoted and followed with an eager early-adoptiveness was becoming darker, more shadowed, like Frodo wearing the One Ring a bit longer than he should.

The beginning of the end of my faith came just before the fifth anniversary of my podcast. I had been excited, because I thought I would be announcing the release of the Ropecast iPhone App. Unfortunately, http://www.bgr.com/2010/02/23/apple-strips-app-store-of-scantily-clad-women-removes-5000-apps/ that week iTunes decided to purge its store of about 5000 sexually-themed apps, and they weren’t about to let a podcast about rope bondage slip through.

I would have been ok with that had they been consistent. But it wasn’t all sexual apps – hell, at the time the Polyweekly Podcast had a topless Cunning Minx as the icon, and that survived the purge. They gave Dan Savage an app, as well as Playboy, Maxim and the Sun. Apparently if you were either loud or commercial, it was ok, but home-grown smut? Not allowed.

Then came more offenses to the sex-positive community. Steve Jobs went on record as wanting to establish a world “…free from porn.” The Manhattan Declaration, which declared against gay marriage, was approved (though, to be fair, it was later removed, and has not been allowed back).

The last straw, though, came from iConfess. This application, designed to aid the Catholic faithful in preparing for confession, asked if you had “engaged in the sin of homosexuality.” It threw in masturbation as well. Apple approved it as having “…no objectionable content” without a fuss, and it climbed as high as #42 in the iTunes top downloads.

Let’s get one thing straight: I’m not saying there shouldn’t be an iConfess app. I’m about as radical a free speech nut as you can get. I just feel that in a system where sex-negative opinions are considered unobjectionable, sex-positive ones should be too. There is a level of hypocrisy there that mimics the day that I stopped being able to believe in the religion of my parents and started thinking for myself.

As the loud metaphorical crack of my faith-camel’s back broke, I vowed with Scarlet-esque fury that I would never buy Apple again until they stopped with the sex-neg policies. More than that, I was going to “jailbreak” my iPhone, I was going to get an Android Tablet instead of an iPad, I was going to sign online petitions and throw away my mouse and install Linux on my Macbook and…

Wait, I use Final Cut Pro to make my living, to pay my rent. And with deadlines approaching, there wasn’t really time to try and find an open source video editing program as good as that one.

Well, I could jailbreak my iPhone, right? That would be a step in the morally right direction. It is a fairly easy process, just a few clicks, and…oh. I lost my podcasts. And my calendar isn’t syncing right. Shit, now I’m late for that meeting…but I can find a fix, ah, I just need to change the configurations and fix the firmware and three hours later it works, sort of, but now I’m rushed to get that article finished for Fearless Press, plus that WordPress theme is needing tweaking, and where did I leave that flight information? Oh, yeah, on my old non-jailbroken iPhone.

At which point I stopped, and considered my actions.

They had the best of motives. I am a sex-positive activist (says so right there on my card, underneath “Ninja Sex Poodle”) but I wasn’t being very active. In fact, my demonstration had done nothing but make me feel vaguely morally superior. Apple didn’t care. Neither did the Catholic Church. My lesbian daughter didn’t feel more likely to be able to marry the woman she loves, nor did Pope Benedict raise his fist and shout out “Damn you, Graydancer! Foiled again!” in a literally pious rage.

I was inconveniencing no one but myself. That wasn’t radical. It was stupid.

“Using the tools of the oppressor to subvert the system.” I’m not sure who came up with that phrase, but it’s a valid one, in this age when the oppressor has learned so well how to overcome the traditional strategies of the rebel. Recent events in the Bondage Capital of the World, Madison, WI are a prime example. It’s not that demonstrations and marches and boycotts are worthless (Egypt, anyone?) but in a highly technological society, a Twitter meme gone viral can be more powerful than a picket sign ignored by the media. A YouTube campaign like “It Gets Better” is far stronger than a rainbow bumper sticker. And we who fight for a healthier cultural attitude towards sex shouldn’t hamstring ourselves just to prove a point which no one notices but ourselves.

So I re-installed the iPhone software. I opened my MacBook Pro, fired up Final Cut Express with a few clicks and strokes of my Magic Mouse, and began happily editing a video about how to have happy butt sex. Then I used GarageBand to release a podcast to iTunes about kinky Canadians. Later I jacked off reading Literotica on Safari for iPhone.

Thank you, Steve, for making it so much easier to work towards a world free from…

No.

Just free.

Pissing on the Oyster

 Posted by on March 19, 2011
Mar 192011
 

By Viola


Pissing on the Oyster
(or why I don’t talk about pussy torture at the water cooler)

There are certain pillars of the kink/BDSM/fetish/leather communities that have been pushing the following message:

“Queer organizers realized that if someone knew a gay or lesbian person, they were less likely to discriminate against them. The problem was that most people didn’t know an openly gay person. Queers started coming out of the closet, and that fixed a lot of discrimination issues. Since the general population discriminates against kinky people, we should all come out of the closet as kinky! So tell your friends and neighbors that you’re kinky, and they’ll be more accepting of kinky people, and this is how our movement will work! In 20 years, kinky people will be just as accepted as queers!”

And every single time I hear this argument, I want to rip my hair out.

Let’s get something straight. I’m not going to “come out” as kinky to my neighbors, colleagues, professors, and family. There is nothing that would horrify my mother more than to hear the words “Mom, I’m a super huge pervert and I’m kinky.” This has nothing to do with my mom’s views on sex, but the fact that my mother doesn’t need or want to know about my sex life. If I told my professional contacts that I was kinky, my career prospects would go down the toilet, not because of anything I do in bed, but because nobody in the world would hire a lawyer who was known for walking up to people to talk about their kinky sex life. In the real world, people think you’re a tad weird if you walk up to them at random and announce that you enjoy kinky sex. Sometimes they even complain to HR. Just sayin’.

But looking past the possibility of shooting myself in the foot professionally (worst case scenario), announcing to the world that another overworked, socially awkward 20-something graduate student started having halfway decent sex will do nothing for the “movement” or “community.” Regardless of the social ramifications of spilling your sexy secrets right before moot court tryouts, nobody really gives a damn what I’m doing in bed, and I refuse to inform them. Being a dyke is hard enough — it somehow seems that whenever someone “innocently” asks you what lesbians do in bed, they really want you to tell them your titillating lady lovemaking stories, a verbal play-by-play of what you do in the sack. I’m sick of it, and will not participate.*** Not for kink, not for queerness, not for anyone. Sorry, my business is my business, and only I get to choose what to disclose and discuss for the sake of political activism.

But then that leads to another issue: what, exactly, is kinky? To “come out” as kinky means so many things to so many people, and while I do indeed plan to spend a lot of time and effort to write, educate, and discuss the ramifications surrounding quite a few pretty problematic laws (see “Kink and the Law” by Brian), I might not be all that kinky. I’m not a whips and chains kind of girl, I’m not a Master/slave kind of girl, and I’m not even all that much of a “lifestyle” girl. I’m a queer poly chick who likes interesting sex with smart, hot people. I like play parties, primarily because I like people, sexuality, nudity, and general pervy creativity, and I like having sex with a healthy dose of D/s that ends as soon as the sexy fun does. But when people think “kinky” they don’t think about what I do, exactly. They don’t think about someone who looks and behaves as I do — that’s not because there’s a stereotype and I don’t fit into it, it’s because there are so many ways to be deliciously perverted. So there’s a conundrum; if one decides to “come out” as kinky, do you let your audience assume whatever you want, or do you sit down with the nice lady across the street who came over to borrow a cup of sugar and tell her all about your passion for spreader bars, public fisting, and interrogation play?

I think the way our society views sexuality is indeed problematic, and in theory I agree with the notion that dialogue may spark a change. But to compare the oppression, social stigma, brutality, and fear that has permeated the public’s view of queers to the inability to speak freely about going to a play party is bullshit. Sure, there’s a bit of overlap concerning a history of criminalization of sexuality. But truly, it’s a different struggle with different consequences. I will file my taxes differently, will speak to the human resources office at every future employer differently (since most workplaces won’t extend benefits to my partner), will deal with the legal ramifications of buying a house while unmarried, will be classified as “single” for legal purposes, and will inevitably write my will differently because I’m queer; a straight, married heterosexual couple will probably never have to do these things differently just because they’re kinky. The idea that the two movements (queer and kink-awareness) are parallel and will remain so for the entire trajectory of their evolution is also, quite frankly, absurd. While Heather might have two mommies, Heather’s mommies probably won’t be illustrated wearing collars and smacking each other with crops. There are limitations to the comparison between kinky people and queer people, as well as the different struggles — political, social, and cultural — that individuals face because of their queer identity or kinky activities.

So let’s step back. Let’s look at what we’re saying about kink, sexuality, and the law. Let’s examine exactly what coming out is, why it might be meaningful, and why one might “come out” as kinky before encouraging everyone who might be interested in wrist restrains and crotchless panties to sacrifice their livelihood. My freak flag is at the dry cleaner for a reason — I have one, but I’m not flying it. It’s clean, well-pressed, and hidden from the population at large. I don’t fly it because if I decide I want to express my political views surrounding sexuality in a public forum, I want that day to be significant; it might come, perhaps, but it won’t be tomorrow. To establish myself as a normal, professional, intelligent, articulate person whose opinions matter and authority as a scholar, jurist, or activist are respected seems to be my biggest priority at this point in my life. To lose the opportunity to do these things for the sake of kink-related activism seems counter intuitive. The world is my oyster, so I’m not peeing on it.

***Okay, I lied. My next column, lesbian sex for straight men, will debut soon. After reading it, you’ll never have to ask me that horribly awkward question ever again.

Serving Two Masters – Part 1

 Posted by on March 18, 2011
Mar 182011
 

By CK Persons

“No one can serve two masters. A person will either hate one and love the other, or be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon” (Matthew 6:24). Is it true? (Part 1) How can a kinky person interested in power exchange be Catholic as well? (Part 2)

To answer these questions adequately, it is first vital to know the context of this quote from Matthew’s gospel. The Jewish community that wrote this gospel inserts these words in Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7). This sermon, so to speak, is the first of five discourses in the gospel, which call to mind the first five books of the Hebrew Scriptures, the Torah (Law, way of living). Put simply, sayings from Matthew 5-7 are very important to the Matthean community – and to the entire Christian community today.

Matthew 6:24 echoes the most central Jewish way of life, the Shema: “Hear, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord alone! Therefore, you shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength” (Deuteronomy 6:4-5). As Jews, the readers of Matthew would have known the Shema quite well. The central invitation is to love God – which necessarily implies love of neighbor, especially the most vulnerable (the widow, orphan, and stranger) – to love completely. It is also important to note that the Greek word “mammon” means wealth or riches.

So is it true that one cannot serve God (i.e., complete love of God and neighbor, especially the poorest) and wealth? I honestly do not know. There are very intelligent and generous people who claim that it is not true. Some wealthy persons are amazingly generous with their resources. One central way that they serve God is by sharing what they have with others. I’ve been quite inspired by such generosity. But there is no shortage of very (and not at all) wealthy people who can care less about society’s neediest. What I know for sure from my own experience is that I find it very difficult to focus my attention on the needs of others when I am consumed with making money, for instance. Such difficulty is probably why the very next section of Matthew’s gospel invites the community to trust completely in God (Matthew 6:25-34). Although I tend to doubt that a focus on riches necessarily precludes one from serving God and (poor) neighbor completely; I can at least say that love of God is exceptionally difficult when wealth is a person’s primary focus in life. What is your experience?

(Next month’s column will address the second question above: In light of Matthew 6:24, how can a kinky person interested in power exchange be Catholic as well?)

Chakras and BDSM

 Posted by on March 16, 2011
Mar 162011
 

By Selina Minx

All bdsm acts both on the physical body, as well as the subtler energy systems. What are these subtle energy systems and how can play be intensified by incorporating them?

Whenever we come into contact with each other there is a dance of electromagnetic energy that happens invisibly between us. On a more subtle plane, even a thought or a dream is a temporary energetic link to another being. Energy literally goes where the mind goes. By guiding the energy with intention, breath, gaze, gesture and touch we can achieve some deeper effects. Be Aware! This practice will bring you into emotional and harmonic resonance with your partner! It will also open up deeper parts of their personality and energy body. Unexpected emotional effects can occur. Only engage on this level if you are confident in your ability to nurture someone compassionately through an emotional release. It is not always possible to engage a safeword when certain emotional triggers happen. A top must be willing and able to look deeper and do what’s best for their partner. Lastly, it is essential to cleanse the enhanced connections from your body-mind-spirit to maintain the soundness of the systems once play is finished.

After a session of bdsm, whether it included work on the subtler planes or not, it’s best to clarify your personal energy. You may find some methods of purifying are familiar to you, you may have already instinctively done them. The intention to purify is all that’s needed, along with a simple action such as a shower, a walk, working out, swimming, sleeping, writing, doing art or telling a story about your experience. For a more formal, or deeper purification, try bathing yourself in sage smoke, resting on your back with stones or crystals on the energy centers mentioned below, or sending energy to each of your own chakras, and consciously willing them to be clarified other energy. This is best done alone, and by both parties.

The Chakras

Root Chakra – Occurs at the perineum. It travels half in, and half out of the physical body. This is the domain of animal instinct and survival, the home to our most primal urges and feelings. Sex occurs here. The energetic effect brings everyone closer to their animal selves. Many forms of sensation play are understandably focused on the nether regions. By reaching beyond your hand with you intention as you spank you can stoke the flames of your partner’s root chakra, eliciting a more animalistic state. By listening with your hands, while stroking the areas around the base chakra, you can better sense the level of submission and vulnerability of your partner. The asshole itself is a veritable mood ring, sure to signal the level of receptivity.

Sex Chakra – Occurs within the body a few inches below the navel. This chakra is in the lower abdomen and vivifies the sex organs. It’s domain is creativity, sensuality, pleasure and emotion. If this chakra is engaged during intercourse with a hand on the lower belly it brings the attention to the womb, ancestors and children, born or unborn. Deeper engagement of this chakra can trigger past life memories and emotions. I find the energy of this chakra so powerful that I almost always just move through it, rather than focusing energy on it. The Sacrum, lower back area, is generally unsuitable for impact play. However delicate sensations of fingers running lightly over, feathers or hot wax used to stimulate this area can have a potent sex drive enhancing effect.

Solar Plexus Chakra – Occurs just below the rib cage, within the body. This chakra is the domain of the ego and the furnace of personal power. Impact play on this part of the back is quite popular, and can have the effect of bringing a slave down low. It can stimulate feelings of stoicism, unemotional submission and shame. If I am dealing with someone who is having difficulties letting go and surrendering, I will pull energy from this place into the root, heart and head. It can also be fun to grab someone in this area and manhandle them. The ribs are highly ticklish and tender, reflecting their sister spiritual system, the ego. Tread lightly here for best effect. Deeper work with this chakra will often unlock anger and helplessness.

Heart Chakra – Occurs behind the sternum, in the center of the chest. This chakra rules love, worthiness, vitality, emotion. Impact play on the back in this zone is excellent for releasing guilt and regaining a sense of worthiness. Delicate touch with fingertips can draw out repressed negative or positive emotion, and elicit a romantic submission. It is from here that our “wings” spring – deeper engagement of this chakra can bring about complete bliss, unconditional love, deep forgiveness and healing. To increase intimacy during play you can place your hand over the heart in the front while engaging. To make someone feel smaller, place your hand over the heart on the upper back as you press them face down into something.

Throat Chakra – Occurs behind the lower neck area. This chakra rules communication, expression, assertiveness. This area is normally engaged in play with the use of a collar, which is a universal symbol of control and ownership. It is also a popular zone for biting, licking, sucking and stroking. Biting in particular engages the ancient archetypal relationship of predator/prey. This can be used with excellent effect, often to generate cowering, squealing and surrender. This area can also be stimulated with any vocal activity. Requiring a sub to make noises can open this area up in a way that will greatly heighten sensations.

Third Eye Chakra – Occurs behind and slightly above the eyes, inside the skull. This chakra rules our connection to the subtler planes. Dreams, hallucinations, perceptions, memories, memes. It is the eye which looks to the heavens, and sees inside men’s souls. Psychic powers, extra-sensory perception, prophecy, prayer and telepathy are all manifestations of the energy of this chakra connecting with the subtler planes. We get information from this chakra all the time, but it happens below normal consciousness. This is best engaged in play with the use of sensory deprivation. A hood is best, but headphones and a blindfold will work as well. This kind of play takes people deep into their minds, with mixed effect. This is best played with partners you know well, as sometimes you end up having to put the pieces back together with someone who releases deeply held emotions or memories.

Crown Chakra – Occurs at the top of the head, in the center, and exists half in and half out of the skull. This chakra rules our connection with the Divine. The crown, along with the root, are how we plug in to the biosphere/universe. Any work done with this chakra is inevitably revelatory. Full upside down suspension funnels energy into this area, and is so powerful it is advised not to do it for extended periods of time. Delicate stimulation of the top of the head with fingertips, or devices made for such things can create a very intense effect, a delicate touch works best. This can be used to draw energy upwards through blocked areas, or to bring a transcendental quality to a slaves experience.

These are extremely subtle techniques, with unexpectedly strong effects. People vary widely in their awareness and receptivity to these practices. Visualize and imagine the effects you want and until you’ve developed your senses enough to feel what’s going on. Tend the seasons of your heart, and do not use these techniques from the wrong place. Be prepared for emotional purifying on the parts of both partners. Detoxifying isn’t comfortable, but it definitely feels better once it’s been done. Relax, Trust and Love through your play and you will not be lead astray.

Blessings

Ms. Minx

Polyamory and Play Events

 Posted by on March 12, 2011
Mar 122011
 

By Indigo

I have always thought that polyamory had the ability to challenge and strengthen the muscles of communication in a relationship. Nothing challenges a poly relationship more than a play event.

This past weekend V and I attended Dark Odyssey: Winter Fire (DOWF), a hotel event with sex ed workshops, parties and open play spaces. V and I have been to other Dark Odyssey events – such as Summer Camp and Leather Retreat – but this was our first event where we really felt solid in our poly relationship. Each event, V and I grow as a couple and are forced to deal with our relationship issues, whether we are aware of them or not. And we are not alone. We’ve watched couple after couple be confronted by the unattended issues in their relationships, such as meeting their lover’s partners, creating boundaries and sticking to each other’s promises. My issues with trust and agreements are amplified by a weekend play event, which is virtually a cesspool of beautiful, sexually open people and everyone is tempting. But at Winter Fire, V and I were armed with the tools and the experience to deal with the ups and downs of the event.

Scheduling Play Dates: One of the challenges V and I face at play events is arranging play dates. When we first started attending DO events, we realized that people planned out who and when they will play with. V and I are more accustom to play happening organically and without planning (mostly because my lady is the queen of naked girl parties, hosted in our bedroom!!). But at an event with over 300 people, timing is always an issue. It has taken me a combination of several play parties and two large play events to get that planning out play dates allows V and I to make sure we have the appropriate amount of time for each other. I only feel comfortable being set loose in a play event after I’ve had personal time with V and in the past not having that time has ended in heated arguments. So at Winter Fire, we made a point to plan out our personal time and schedule our play dates. And I had my first successful solo play date, since V and I tend to engage in group sex. Planning this date and taking the time I needed with V before my date made us feel like we truly doing poly right.

Dropping at a Play Event: At DO: Summer Camp, V experienced a serious drop after not receiving proper after care from one of her play dates. This happened on a Sunday night, the night before the event ended. Instead of being with V’s upset, I got annoyed that she started dropping while we still at the event because I had this idea that drop happens after camp, not during. I was not able to fully be there for my partner and my attitude about the situation caused further upset in my partner that took her several days to recover. Based on this experience, I took on allowing my partner to have full access to my love, comfort and attention at Winter Fire and promised her that if she started to drop or get emotional, I would stop what I was doing and be there for her. So at Winter Fire, when V became emotional on Saturday night, we found a quiet spot to talk and I listened to V’s concerns. I was able to be close to my partner and give her the affection she needed to overcome an emotional upset. The result was that V felt fully supported and she did not have an emotional upset for the rest of the weekend. I felt like a badass partner willing to be there for my lady under any circumstance and V was able to recover quickly from her unanticipated drop.

Going Back to the Real World: I have to admit V and I didn’t take off our DO wrist bands until just a few days ago. When I got bored at my desk at work, I’d sit with my head in my hands and daydreaming about sex with R, trying not to get all hot and bothered in my cubicle. When I got home, V and I would lay in bed all sad and moopy missing DO. Instead of succumbing to the drop, we decided to take about our favorite moments and deal with how we were going to come back to real world. We decided the best way for us to lift our spirits was to surround ourselves with friends and brag about our fabulous weekend!! So we took our roommate out to dinner, invited some friends over and blabbed about our play event. Out vanilla friends asked lots of questions and marveled at how we have been able to make our open relationship run so smoothly. As a couple, we got to be acknowledged for all our hard work and glow at our ability to have sex empower and expand our relationship. We also got to the bottom of why we are so intimidating – our roommate says it’s because we have the perfect relationship and are fully sexually expressed with others in a way that works for us. And that makes me smile!

So I recommend that if you are in a long term, open relationship, ready to expand at a play event, do it! Use the event as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship, communicate openly and have hella fun with your partner as well as others.

Seeing Past the Sex to the Education

 Posted by on March 11, 2011
Mar 112011
 

By DNGG

Seeing Past the Sex to the Education: A Manifesto on Why We Need Good Sex Education

Periodically a controversy arises in the world of education about what is and isn’t suitable to teach our youth and young adults. Religious groups, parent organizations, businesses, academics and politicians have all taken turns weighing in on a variety of issues of ranging from drug education to the merits of teaching intelligent design in science courses. Yet few things seem to capture the attention of the nation and prompt controversy like discussions of human sexuality and sex education.

Sex, a natural part of human relations, is frequently deemed the most taboo topic one can bring up in polite company. Parents typically dread having “the talk” with their children, but fear what knowledge and misinformation may be picked up out in the world from idle chatter or gleaned from film, television, and online forums more. While many people agree that some level of sex education is needed, how much and at what age such information should be introduced is often hotly debated. Should sex education be abstinence only? Should lessons include discussions of male and female contraceptives?

What about “alternative” sexualities? These questions arise repeatedly as parents, educators, government officials, church groups, and medical professionals struggle to find the perfect balance of information and mode of presentation.

It seems that while everyone has something to say about sex education, very few are willing to take on the hardships of being a sex educator. Let’s be honest – it’s not an easy job. There’s a lot of information to familiarize yourself with. You have to be able to explain complex processes in understandable terms. And heaven forbid you actually enjoy what you talk about! That’s a sure sign you’re an immoral slut/sex addict. After all, American views on sex emerged out of a Puritanical “non-procreative focused sex is sinful” mindset and anyone that advocates open and honest discussion and exploration of sex just may find themselves in a heap of trouble.

Just recently a plethora of sex educators have come under attack from everything from “helping” the spread of HIV/AIDS on college campuses to breaking down the moral fabric of the nation’s youth and young adults. Sex education presentations are far to frequently reduced to mere “titillation,” “trading exploits,” and “visual and verbal pornography” by those that would claim such education is unnecessary or even harmful to society. It’s time that we see past the sex and take time to focus on the education provided.

On the most basic level, good sex education provides us with common terminology. While the few days of sex education many of us receive in middle school or junior high may not answer all of our questions about the whys and hows our bodies work, they often provide the foundation for being able to talk about our bodies in a coherent fashion. While learning or inventing new ways to reference a penis, vagina, clitoris, or other “naughty bit” can be amusing, it can also be horribly confusing. Clear, common terminology is a boon any medical professional attempting to diagnose a “personal problem” will surely appreciate.

Good sex education encourages smart, self-aware sexual choices. The point of sex education is to allow individual to make “smart” choices regarding their sexuality. This means informing students that sexuality is natural and varied. Students need to know about the variety of options available to them from abstinence to oral sex to penetrative sex. However, it’s not just important to acknowledge the various types of intercourse, but the wide range of parings that may occur from monogamous heterosexual or homosexual couples to open polysexual arrangements. Once you know that there are multiple ways to view sex and all of them may not be for you, you also generally learn to start asking for what you like and feeling more confident in expressing what you don’t.

Good sex education is part of anti-rape education. If we want to teach about sexual assault intelligently and meaningfully, we have to teach about enthusiastic consent and self-aware choices. We do have a responsibility to young men and women to give them the tools they need to recognize the difference between seduction, enjoyment of rougher sex, and abuse.

Good sex education isn’t porn education. Educating young men and women on understanding and enjoying their bodies safely and responsibly is a far cry from teaching “How to Recreate the Karma Sutra in Your Bedroom” or “Advanced Blowjob Techniques for the Camera.” It’s about teaching comfort within one’s own skin, normalizing desire, and moving beyond concepts of sex as penises inside vaginas. Sex education is about teaching how to make intelligent, safe, self-aware choices that are pleasurable to the individual whether that be abstinence, masturbation, partnered sex or something else entirely.

The Sexual Orientation Police

 Posted by on March 10, 2011
Mar 102011
 

By Amethyst Wonder

So far, I’ve written about Mr. Good on Paper, Mr. Emphatically Not Gay, Mr. Judgy Pants, and Mr. No Short Term Memory. By now, you may be under the mistaken impression that only males are the perpetrators on online social ineptitude. You would be wrong.

This month I’m writing about someone, a female someone, I have named the Sexual Orientation Police.

I have a difficult time articulating my sexual orientation on most dating sites. There’s generally not a box that says, “I tend to prefer boys, but sometimes I have girlfriends, and also I don’t really subscribe to the gender binary, so I’m not comfortable identifying as bisexual.” I usually end up constantly switching back and forth between straight and bisexual, with a note somewhere on my profile to expand on things.

I occasionally get a question about this. It doesn’t bother me. Not only do I expect it, but it gives me an opportunity to open a discussion on gender and orientation with someone. However, sometimes that discussion goes awry.

“Hey, I wanted to write to you a little while ago, but when I came back to your profile, it said you were straight.”

“Yeah, I don’t feel like there’s an appropriate box for my orientation, so I change it sometimes.”

“What do you mean ‘appropriate?’ “

“Well, I don’t really consider myself either straight or bi. I mostly date guys, but I’ve been with women.”

“Oh. So, you’re really bi, you’re just not totally out. You should change it back.”

“That’s not what I said.”

“Whatever. If you date both guys and girls, then you’re bi. You need to change it back.”

“Not whatever. I think it’s a complex issue, especially since it’s tied to gender identity. And stop telling me what to do.”

Redacted to keep her overly simplistic and narrow-minded views on gender from derailing me here. “I’m only telling you because you have it down wrong. You’re bi, and you should say you’re bi.”

“Well, obviously we don’t agree on this. So, we probably don’t need to keep talking.”

“OK, but you really should change your sexual orientation back to bi-sexual. You’re just being ridiculous.”

Moral of the story: There are times when how someone self-identifies affects other people. Sometimes this involves misrepresentation; I think these cases earn a bit of judgment and even repudiation. But sometimes the effect is just a matter of challenging someone’s world-view. Someone accurately describing themselves in a way that simply makes you uncomfortable, or makes you think, is not cause for you to sound alarms and deem them incorrect, illegitimate, or ridiculous. If you disagree with someone’s self-identification, stop and think: does it really matter to you? And if it does, really, why?

Also, stop telling me what to do.

The Future of the Defense of Marriage Act

 Posted by on March 9, 2011
Mar 092011
 

By Aimee Bouchard

On Wednesday February 23, Attorney General Eric Holder announced that the Obama administration would no longer defend Section 3 of the Defense of Marriage Act.1

The decision not to defend DOMA was in relation to two pending cases Pedersen v. OPM and Windsor v. United States. The argument in both of these cases is that it is an unconstitutional Equal Protection violation for the federal government to designate which marriages it will consider valid.

The Defense of Marriage, signed into law by President Clinton in 1996, has two main provisions. The first is that the federal government defines marriage as only between one man and one woman.2 The second is that no state needs to recognize any same sex union or marriage preformed in another state as a marriage.3 Basically this means that for same-sex couples married in one of the states that does allow marriage, the couple is a legal stranger in the eyes of the federal government or in a state with unfavorable laws.

What makes DOMA unusual, and constitutionally questionable, is that normally the federal government leaves the issue of marriage to the individual states. The federal government recognizes a marriage as valid, so long as it is valid in the state that it was preformed in. For example, the federal government will recognize a common-law marriage if it is valid in the home state, even though common law marriages are not the law of all states. The federal government also recognized interracial marriage, when many states did not. However, with DOMA, the federal government is singling out same sex marriage for unequal treatment under the law.

When a classification means that one group gets treated differently than another group, the Equal Protection Clause of the Constitution comes into play. Normally, the government only needs to show that the classification is rationally related to a legitimate state interest for the law to be considered constitutional. However, if the class that is being targeted for unequal treatment is a “suspect” class, then the law comes under heightened scrutiny. Suspect classifications include Race, Religion, and National Origin. When a suspect class is targeted by a law the government must show that the classification is necessary to achieve a compelling state interest, a much higher burden to satisfy4. Up until now, caselaw has been unclear as to whether sexual orientation is a suspect classification.

The statement of the Attorney General clearly states the President Obama opposes DOMA and believes it to be unconstitutional, and believes that classifications based on sexual orientation should be reviewed according to the heightened scrutiny of a suspect class. Since the Attorney General and the President believe that the law is unconstitutional, they have decided not to defend the law on appeal. Instead, they will remain a party to the cases and continue to represent the interests of the United States.

Of course conservatives are now up in arms saying that this is a violation of Obama’s duty to as president to uphold the laws of the United States, but what does his action really mean for DOMA’s future?

While this can be considered a positive step for same-sex marriage activists, it doesn’t mean that DOMA is dead. The executive branch has a duty to uphold the laws of the United Sates and therefore the federal government will still be enforcing DOMA, the Department of Justice will simply no longer be defending it in court. In order for DOMA to be overturned, it would take an act of congress, or a final ruling by the court.

Speaker of the House John Boehner has stated that Congress may itself continue to defend the law in court.5

Its also important to remember that these two cases are not the only cases challenging the Defense of Marriage Act. There have been numerous cases in which DOMA has been an issue.6 So until there is a final decision by the Court, or a change from Congress, the Defense of Marriage Act will still be a problem for alternative families to contend with.

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