Why I Honor The Divine Feminine

 Posted by on March 8, 2013
Mar 082013
 

istock_000014680577xsmall-300x199-2899817If you follow my “Deeper Love” movement, you will notice that I always express how much I honor and support women stepping into their feminine power.  Contrary to what some people seem to assume, my admiration for a woman’s power has nothing to do with receiving sexual gratification in return.  There are many reasons why I adore women and the following examples will explain why.

1.)  WOMEN ARE STARGATES

When a soul decides to come to this planet, men plant the seed of that soul inside of a woman and she literally serves as a stargate for the soul to come through.  How could you not honor women when they continue to bring forth the physical manifestation of another human being to guide and love?

 

2.)  WOMEN ARE MASTERS OF INTUITION

We all have the gift of intuition, but the intuition of woman fully in tuned is more powerful and concentrated.  When ancient civilizations thrived, powerful men consulted with powerful women when it came to making important decisions.  They learned to trust the power of a woman’s intuition and benefited greatly by being influenced to make wiser decisions that incorporated the feminine principal (heart perspective) and masculine principal (mind perspective).  I am honored to know several powerful women in my life that I consult with to gain more clarity beyond my own intuition.

 

3.)  WOMEN ARE NURTURERS

A woman who embraces her feminine power will always support a man who is balanced or avidly seeking balance.  She understands that nurturing him by melting him deep into his heart will always bring forth the best in him.  He will be inspired to introduce his unique gift to the world so he can provide what is needed as a natural reciprocation for her loving support.

 

4.)  WOMEN ARE MASTERS OF MANIFESTATION

Women are genies in disguise.  When a woman understands the creative power of her feminine energy and how to openly receive the seeds from her partner, she can bring forth the physical manifestation of opportunities that will benefit the partnership as a whole.  The sexual energy conjured up between a man and woman, along with set intention energetically impregnates a woman’s etheric womb, she then gives birth to what they both desire. A conscious partnership between women and men can build dynasties that shift the world in major ways.

 

5.) WOMEN ARE BEAUTIFUL

Witnessing a woman being completely comfortable within her body and accepting her feminine power completely for me is just as beautiful as watching a sunset.  Sometimes when I am out and about, I look at the women all around me and imagine them glowing within a white light in a Goddess state.  I can see a beauty and power that most them cannot see within themselves.  I would be lying if I didn’t say I also admire the physical aspects of women like curves, breasts, soft skin and pretty feet etc… Physical features alone does not completely define beauty for me, it is also the combination of her reflecting self love and feminine power that draws me in.

 

I see women as more than just sexual objects, I see them as beautiful gardens for us to plant seeds within so we can harvest what our hearts desire.  Once we start to honor the feminine again, we will shift as a collective to a higher state of consciousness that supports a balance based on the foundation of unconditional love.  This is why I honor and support women stepping into the power of the divine feminine.

Mar 052013
 

istock_000017217490small-500x333-300x199-6202513L’Elisir D’Amore is a fairly light romantic comedy, famous for its beautiful aria “Una Furtiva Lagrima,” but its latest production at the Metropolitan Opera is far from being simply comedic. Instead, it has both political implications (it is set during the beginning of the Italian independence movement) and, what appeals to me even more, definite undertones of kink. Between the libretto and the staging, the power dynamics that emerge between different characters seem rather untraditional, and examining them from the BDSM perspective has allowed me, I believe, to better understand the changing emotions of the piece.

The opera opens with a farmhand, Nemerino (performed by Matthew Polenzani), singing of his unrequited love for the beautiful landowner, Adina (performed by Anna Netrebko). She knows about his feelings, but dismisses them, because all she knows of love is through the lens of her own experience – as she tells him, her feelings constantly change, they are fleeting and unstable. I think this makes her believe that his feelings are just as superficial and will, too, soon change. At first I read this interaction as Adina being uninterested in Nemerino, because she is a strong woman, free and used to being in charge. What she’s looking for in a mate is an even greater strength – Netrebko plays her role as a fun-loving brat, and a brat, in a simplified understanding of her motives, is really looking for someone to take her in hand and dominate her. At first glance, Sergeant Belcore marching into town with his troops might just be that person. Unlike Nemerino, he’s very straightforward in what he wants from Adina – here, the libretto is very frank and highlights Belcore’s extreme self-confidence, as he sings to her: “I see in your eyes that I have won your heart; no wonder, I am handsome and a sergeant, and there’s no girl who doesn’t fall for the uniform of a soldier” (“How modest!” Adina jokes with her friends). However, the staging of the opera sexualizes their interaction even further. Mariusz Kwiecien (singing for Belcore) comes at Netrebko with a sword, pointed at her like a phallus, and as he comes closer, he swoops behind her, making it seem like the phallus is going right through her. But Netrebko is not an easy prey – she comes back at him with a top hat and a riding crop – like a lion tamer, her show of dominance over his animalistic, but rather simple act of sexual aggression. Unlike Nemerino, Belcore puts up a good battle for Adina’s affection, but she doesn’t give in, asking for more time to make up her mind. The Sergeant is too simple of a Dom to truly win her heart, but he’s entertaining, and very forward in his pursuit. His explicit sexuality provides a fun and easy alternative to Nemerino’s implausible sobs and passive courtship. Since this is a romantic comedy, it’s rather easy to predict that despite all the interruptions, Adina will end up with Nemerino, however, the motivations and reasons that lead to the happy ending are not as straightforward.

“Chiedi all’aura lusinghiera” provides an interesting clue into Adina and Nemerino’s characters. On the surface, the purpose of this duet is for Adina to explain to Nemerino that her affection is fleeting, and that he’s better off without it, and for Nemerino to let her know that he will still be in love with her, no matter what. She sings: “Go ask a light breeze, why it leaves one flower for another; why it keeps wondering through storm and rain, over mountains and through shady groves? He will answer that it’s his nature which moves him to change.” In response, explaining why he can’t give up loving her, Nemerino sings: “Go ask the river, why it leaves its source and runs down the mountain and through the valley to the distant sea? It’ll say that some unknown power drives it on.” On one hand, their songs are very similar – both sing of their inability to change who they are, however, for Adina, that drive in internal – it’s her nature that keeps her moving from one object of affection to another, while for Nemerino it’s an outside force – an unknown power – that keeps him in love. In BDSM terms, I believe this makes him a submissive – one who desires to be overpowered and led, while Adina can only play to her own fiddle, and be driven by her own desires. And it is this distinction that validates, for me, this particular production of Elisir D’Amore, in which Adina remains a Domme, with her top hat and riding crop, and Nemerino finds success as her sub.

The libretto can really go either way, after all, as the opera progresses, its most beautiful and memorable aria, “Una furtiva lagrima,” is sung by Nemerino, which can be read as an indication of his growing strength and Adina’s subsequent submission. But that is not the way this production goes…. Matthew Polenzani  sings his aria beautifully, but the strength of his voice never matches Netrebko’s, and all his demeanor remains submissive to the end. What he wins Anna’s heart with is, in fact, this continuous and unrelenting submission, in the masochistic tradition of a knight valiant: first, spending all his money on a love potion sold by a very loveable charlatan Dr. Dulcamara, and then enrolling in the army for the money to pay for the second serving of the potion. The libretto allows us to see Adina as jealous of the sudden attention Nemerino receives from the town ladies when in a twist of fate he inherits his uncle’s fortune (which they know about and he doesn’t), and worried that she has lost his favor, when he pretends, drunk on the love potion which actually is nothing more than a bottle of Bordeaux, to scorn her. But the acting shows us a different dynamic – yes, Adina is jealous, but only because she realizes that she does love Nemerino, submissive as he is – especially when she finds out from Dr. Dulcamara the extent that Nemerino has gone to in order to win her affection – and decides to buy him back from the Sergeant. Ironically enough, while telling Dulcamara in a show of confidence and bravado that she doesn’t need a love potion to win Nemerino because she has something much more powerful – her eyes and her smile, it is not her charms that lead to her happy ending, but her act of taking charge of Nemerino’s life, when she buys back his military contract. And Nemerino, instead of being offended by her meddling, is genuinely moved by her care. Their power dynamic: her in charge and him willing to do anything to please her, remains unchanged, so it is not Nemerino’s emerging strength that brings them together. Instead, when Adina sees all of his acts of love for her, and how far he is willing to go, she pities him, but also realizes that true to his word, his love is here to stay. And it is this pity and Nemerino’s subsequent gratitude, I believe, that in the eyes of a submissive searching for a master could read as scorn, but in the eyes of a dominant brat become appreciation and love. For Netrebko’s Adina, her appreciation turns into desire. Again, the libretto could allow for Adina to submit to Nemerino, ala the “Taming of the Shrew,” but Netrebko remains visibly in charge of the relationship, literally dragging Polenzani into the tall grass and pulling him on top of her, in a textbook illustration of “topping from the bottom.” Netrebko plays a brat alright, but one who doesn’t need a man to take control, fully enjoying, instead, her dominant role.

Mar 012013
 

jacqhead-300x225-7122713When did you open Sugar and what inspired you to do so?

Sugar opened in April of 2007. Previous to opening Sugar I worked in reproductive health care and sexuality education in both clinical and administrative settings. I had the opportunity to work in a sex positive sex toy store and was thrilled to be able to do the same work, but to come from a wholely pleasure based perspective rather than a disease based model. After I moved away from the city with that store, I frequently considered opening a sex positive store in Baltimore. Several years later, we were able to raise the capitol and open the store. Running a for profit, mission driven business is challenging and deeply rewarding.

When did you start to identify as an educator? Was it before, the same time as opening the shop, or was it later?

I’ve been doing sex education since college. I was trained as a peer educator and distributed condoms from my dorm room. As a woman, I have been interested in reproductive rights, education and justice since high school. I firmly believe that our ability to make decisions about our reproductive lives is a critical piece of equality. Because being sexual or asexual in a manner of one’s choosing is a basic part of being human, expressing one’s sense of self and connecting with others.

What is one thing that people would never guess about owning and running a sex shop?

Running a sex toy store is running a retail business. That means you need to love retail. You need to use Quick Books. You need to deal with payroll. You need to mop the floors. Running a sex toy store is a job in which you hold the space and provide the means for your community to celebrate their individual sexualities. It is not, however, a terribly sexy job. It’s hard, detail oriented work. Just like any other small business. Except since it’ an adult business, you don’t qualify for assistance from the SBA. Most banks won’t loan to you and most credit card companies won’t process your credit cards.  There’s absolutely ways around these things, but it requires an extra level of creativity.

Are there any topics that you consider your specialty?

I love, love, love to teach about sex and menopause, hot safer sex, g-spots, cunnilingus, blow jobs and harness play.  I think my true specialty is being able to work with folks and provide information in a manner that is accessible to where they are.

Do you have any pet peeves about sex educators?

We’re all in this together. There’s plenty of education opportunities to go around. Many of us are great at supporting each other – we need to keep it up!

I can imagine it’s tough to pick your favorites, but if you had to pick ONE sex toy to recommend to a couple, what would it be and why?

The Spare Parts Joque Harness, Jimmy Jane’s Form 2 and Sliquid’s Sassy lube

You book other educators to teach live classes at your brick & mortar store, how do you decide who to invite to teach?

I’m very picky. I usually only book an educator that I’ve seen teach or that someone I trust implicitly has seen teach and recommends. I need to feel confident that the educator has values that intersect with how we understand sex positive sex education and that they are able to present information in a manner that is fun and accessible. Next I look for someone who has the ability to teach on topics that the educators in our store might not have in their arsenal.

What advice would you give aspiring sex toy shop owners?

If you are interested in opening a sex toy store, first I’d suggest that you spend at least a year, preferably two working in retail. Make sure that you have professional experience in budgeting, staff management and purchasing. If possible, have six months of expenses in the bank before you open. Learn some counseling skills and take every workshop you can find (in person or online) on sex and sexuality. AASECT, Passionate U, Fet Fest and Dark Odyssey can be great resources. Lastly, open your store somewhere that doesn’t already have a sex positive store. There are plenty of cities that need a sex positive store – look around – and move if you need to!

Sugar
927 West 36th Street
Baltimore, MD 21211
Sugar is a lesbian owned, multi-gender operated, for profit, mission driven sex toy store.  By providing education and toys in a shame-free, sex-positive environment, we help people of all genders and sexual orientations experience their own unique sexuality with shameless joy and passion.
City Paper’s Best Adult Store, Best of Baltimore 2007-2011
City Paper’s Best Adult Store, Reader’s Poll 2007-2011
Baltimore Magazine Top 50 Hot Stores in Baltimore
Nominee O Award 2011

 

Making Peace in the Lenten Season

 Posted by on February 27, 2013
Feb 272013
 

istock_000012497418medium-450x299-300x199-6996981Lent means two different things to me. On one hand, the onset of Lent means Bible study and prayer. It reminds me of the forty days before I converted to Catholicism, a time of deep introspection and learning. I was part of a small class at a church in my hometown, and the priest who led us had recently arrived from the Philippines. I began the class with a long list of Catholic generalities and prejudices, and the priest managed to negate almost all of them. His teachings weren’t stodgy or pedantic. He breathed new life into the scriptures and gave a different viewpoint on some traditional concepts like hell. I felt challenged to see religion in a new light, and when it came time to commit to converting, I said yes with a willing heart.

Remembering that service still brings tears to my eyes. The sanctuary was completely dark and the congregation silent. Slowly a procession began winding its way through the church, each person holding a lighted candle. The flickering light spread until everyone was holding a lit candle and singing a hymn of praise. The candles were symbolic of God’s word spreading among us, and how we were in darkness before the sacrifice of Jesus’ life and his resurrection. I’m always a little bit surprised that the sight of the growing candlelight still has an impact. The transformation from darkness to light, the path from ignorance to enlightenment resounds within me even now.

My second association with Lent isn’t as spiritually profound. When I was married, my husband and I came from two very different attitudes about Catholicism. He held a very traditional, dyed-in-the-wool, view of Lent. In his opinion, Lent was about giving something up like eating out. We didn’t eat meat on Fridays, and we fasted. The theory was that we’d take the money we saved on restaurants and donate it, but we never seemed to get to that part. I know that this is a common sacrifice that Catholics make for Lent, but I was part of an emotionally and physically starved marriage. I felt like giving up one more thing at my husband’s behest when I was already parched for any kindness was just… it became one more thing in this huge ball of unhappiness that I carried inside me. For nine years I dreaded Lent. It was a time of further restrictions dictated by my self-righteous husband, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t think past my resentment of him to connect with any joy surrounding Jesus’ resurrection.

As Lent approached this year, I discovered that those old feelings of resentment still lingered. Even though I’m divorced and living alone, the old pattern remained. I found myself gnashing my teeth over what I was going to give up this year, and even though I planned on writing about Lent for this column, I stalled because of the anger that erupted when I thought about putting words to paper. Luckily I vented my frustration to my insightful boyfriend, Zen, and he told me about his grandmother’s Lenten practices. She honored the season with mindfulness and connection, like writing a letter every day to a friend or loved one, and this shed new light on the season. This year, as a divorced, kinky woman creating a new life, I went through a Lenten overhaul so that I could reclaim that connection between me and the divine.

Since I identify as a BDSM slave, I decided to utilize my instincts of service and submission to aid my sacrifice for Lent. I offered my services as housekeeper and cook to my loved ones. Every week I scrub floors and sinks, do laundry and cook meals for friends and family. As I’ve written here before, the act of kneeling, of humbling oneself, places me in a mindful headspace. The monotonous back and forth of a scrub brush or paper towel against glass inspires a meditative state. I look at the dry skin on the back of my hands and know that it’s because I was serving someone else. It’s not merely the act of service, it’s the sacrifice of time as well. These small moments are acts of love that I do for others and remind me of the great sacrifice that Jesus made for those of us dwelling in darkness. However, the biggest challenge so far hasn’t been in the serving of others, it has been convincing others to accept my service. But that’s a topic for a different post. My peace be with you during this time of prayer and sacrifice.

Ecstatic Dance – How free can you dance?

 Posted by on February 24, 2013
Feb 242013
 
istock_000022047655small-500x333-300x199-7993051Sometime ago I was watching a young child hear the rhythm of music and unconsciously translate it into joyful movement. She wasn’t more than a couple dozen months old. She could barely walk, and yet the music made her effortlessly move – up, down, jiggle, wave, stomp – whatever! She was a bubbling euphoric conduit of unabashed expression. I’m sure many of us have seen the same kind of experience in children and I found myself envious, wondering what happened to me? What held me back from being that free? Why didn’t I dance like that anymore?
Fast forward to last year when my boyfriend, Spanky and I were vacationing on the big island of Hawaii. Scheduled at the Kalani Retreat Center on Sunday morning was an Ecstatic Dance party open to the public, and I suppose the pent up child within nudged me to check it out.
We showed up to an outdoor dance floor about the size of a basketball court, with an A-frame like cover screened in at both ends. As the music started slowly, people arrived stretching and meditating with smiles all around. Just a few simple rules in the drug/alcohol-free space: No talking on the dance floor, and respect each other as well as the space around you. Beyond that, the sky was the limit. The music began to wind up with techno, ethno, and house mixes, but usually very little lyrics. People of all shapes and sizes danced, moved, flowed, sweated, laughed, whether alone, in groups, in couples, in patterns or in uniqueness.
A challenge came quickly to the forefront of my being. Here was the opportunity I longed for when envying that child’s freedom. Not only were the constrains of conformity and peer pressure removed (None of these people knew me, who cared how I moved?), but this was an environment that encouraged the free expression of sound and movement. They wanted me to push my limits!
So I did! The further into letting go I ventured, the more I realized the only constraint on my freedom was my own fear. The more I let go, the more joyful I felt. The more I moved freely, the more whole I became. Did I stumble at times? You bet! Did I look silly? Probably. The point was not to care. I remembered what it felt like to be as free as the child I once was, and the child I still am. A brief rain storm added to the percussion and I felt cleansed, dancing, moving, thoughtlessly into healthy exhaustion.
Although this simple experience is not particularly new, the fun of the Hawaii Ecstatic Dance Movement has now grown beyond it’s roots to many locations (Click here to see more about it). Last week I joined several hundred people in Oakland California where they gather a couple times a week. It’s the simplest and most profound of concepts. Provide a space that overtly supports the uniqueness of each person’s expression in the form of dance/movement and let the fun expand!
Again, every shape and size, color and race showed their stuff. There were women in belly dancing garb, and guys in sweat shorts and hoodies. Sharply dressed transexuals danced next to toned men in ballet slippers. An agile hobbit-shaped man with geek glasses darted around a shirtless, lanky african man who stays right in front of the speakers. Three robust and rounded women danced together gliding shoulder to shoulder, then breasts to breasts, over and around again. Couples danced traditional maneuvers, then collaborated in quartets joining other couples. Everywhere were smiles and eye contact. If I bumped someone there was gentle respect for our space and the diversity of our gig. We rose and we fell to the varied styles of music the DJ churned out. And… there were children. With all the “bigger kids” moving every which way, parents had to make sure the lil’ munchkins didn’t get caught under foot, but in my perception, they lead the way. Freedom has never felt so whole. Rock on!

It’s Okay to Have Body Hair!

 Posted by on February 22, 2013
Feb 222013
 

istock_000020390883small-500x333-300x199-9335709It seems that body hair is a hot topic…when it comes to women at least. It’s seen as normal and natural for men to have hair on their legs, armpits, arms and faces but if women even have a little fuzz, they are instantly shamed and ostracized. Women aren’t allowed to do with their body hair as they wish…there is a demand that women must be hairless.

Women didn’t really remove their body hair until the 1920’s. It wasn’t until this time that women could even show off any skin and with the advent of the flapper-girl and more freedom for women came the demand for body hair removal. Not only that, but in this area we saw the beginnings of new trends in makeup, dieting and primping as a whole.

This cultural shift is attributed to the media. Joshua Zeitz, a historian, explains further, “these artists, advertisers, writers, designers, film starlets, and media gurus fashioned her sense of style…their power over the nation’s increasingly centralized print and motion picture media, and their mastery of new developments in group psychology and behavioral sciences, lent them unusual sway over millions of young women who were eager to assert their autonomy but still looked to cultural authorities for cues about consumption and body image.”

We see this same phenomenal holding true today. Women look to the media to tell them how they should be, what they should look like. The overwhelming message is that women must make themselves into plastic Barbie-doll like figures with impeccable clothing, decadent hair, perfectly applied make-up and of course hairless skin. If you see a woman with even some stubble on her legs, it’s viewed as unhygienic.

The fact is, shaving has nothing to do with hygiene. Hygiene involves necessary bodily cleaning in order to keep you healthy and taken care of. The removal of body hair doesn’t fall into that category. It’s a societal idea that is enforced through cultural expectations, the media, friends and family. Not shaving can have serious social consequences. Women with hairy legs or underarms are usually viewed as unclean.

I myself have experienced being shamed for having body hair. When I started high school, I began to explore feminism and issues around gender, body image and sexuality. One of the things that stuck with me was the inherent sexism that is involved with the societal demand that women spend hours on their appearance. This caused me to want to fight back, so I stopped wearing make-up and shaving my legs. My parents threw a fit and would refuse to take me to school or activities if I wasn’t clean shaven. I remember how angry I felt and powerless; my parents wouldn’t let me make my own choices about my body and were buying into a false idea about beauty.

Shaving is a choice for men; they don’t have to remove the hair on their legs or underarms. Even the hair on their faces is really dependent on their personal preference, which is how it should be for both genders. As a society, we need to stop demanding that women live up to an unachievable beauty standard and give them back control over their bodies. Shaving may just seem like a necessary evil, but the only way we can create social change is to fight back. Make your own decisions about your body and accept other women for the choices they make. We need to stop shaming and start empowering.

 

Joan Jacobs Brumberg, The Body Project : An Intimate History of American Girls, 1st ed. (New York,

NY: Random House, 1997), 98.

 

What Is Stronger: Meditation or Prayer?

 Posted by on February 20, 2013
Feb 202013
 

istock_000021357560small-800x5322-300x199-3017895A good friend of mine was talking to me earlier this week about prayer and meditation

I will be honest that Buddhism is not my one and only spiritual practice.  I use Buddhism as part of the spiritual outlook but I don’t use it 24/7 as the one and only way to view the world.  I had mentioned to her that I have been frequently praying lately to find guidance in my D/s relationship and other life’s little surprises.  While we talked about prayer she pointed out that she meditated, as a form of prayer, when she needed clarity in her life.

Meditation can be used in various ways.  Buddhism is not the only religion that utilizes meditation either.  However, in Buddhism, depending on the form that you practice there are mantras and prayers that can be chanted.

In Christian churches there are also chants, and repetition, that is used for prayer.

There is a lot of similarities to these practices.  Certain beliefs in these two separate ways of expressing religion and spirituality may be completely different and beyond basic practices the rituals are different but the question is: when it gets down to it what is stronger, if any, and how can it be strong?

I have had partners who have questioned different religions or spiritualties because certain rituals make no sense.

Everyone deserves to have someone to pray to – or not everyone to their own.  Prayer can come in many forms including vocal, silently, by prayer beads – There is quite a few different type of prayer beads – chanting, going off on walks as a coming of age, going to sweat lodges, and or a communal prayer.  While watching Jesus Camp, a documentary about a fundamentalist right wing evangelical camp that indoctrinates children to serve “jesus”, one of the children talk about how there can be dead churches and live churches.  Dead churches, according to her, have no god and alive churches, who are loud, do have god with them.

If applied to any spirituality the Buddhists can be some of the quietest people I know during meditation.  There are silent retreats where individuals can sit for 9-12 hours on end during a day and not communicate with anyone or make a noise.  In some practices they allow discussion after a bit into the retreat during the evening but after being silent for days no one really realizes they can chat.  There are even meditation retreats where it’s a single person living in a cabin, alone, for a month or more where they do not talk to anyone else.  However the Buddhists can be the most discipline people I know, It’s not unusual for practitioners to meditation daily for at least 5 minutes today and can meditate from anywhere between 1 hour to 3 hours a day in a sitting.

There are some meditation retreats that are run as businesses where interns and staff live on campus and will go meditate more than 3 hours a day.  It is required that they have serious practices before they even go on staff to be employed.

To walk on the campus or in a shrine a room at a meditation retreat like that is sacred – you can feel the energy.

At the same time if you walk into a traditional catholic church, or for those who do worldly travel the Vatican, there is a “calm” for Catholics who walk into any building who realizes that Jesus and god is with them.

However it’s not because they are praying louder, or demanding to be heard louder than their counterparts, or jumping up and down and being overzealous.  It’s because having a spiritual practice, some form of regular spiritual practice, and actually believing what you are saying or doing makes all the difference when you engage, fully, in spirituality or religion.

In other situations meditation can come into play, no pun intended, in the most unusual places.  When reading Laura Antoniou’s series The Marketplace in the book The Academy the Master Trainer Chris practices meditation during the book to do some deep thinking on his potential slavery proposition and where he is in his life.  This really, genuinely, is what prayer and meditation is for.  Not to beg a higher power for something bigger or greater but to check in and see where you are.

Is prayer better than meditation? Is either stronger? Or is both, in their own respects, positive and needed.

Please Skip the Please, Thanks for not Thanking Me

 Posted by on February 18, 2013
Feb 182013
 

istock_000000168821medium-500x374-300x224-4722502A question arises in BDSM circles from time to time. Should a dominant say please and thank you when interacting with a sub?

The title of this column might make you think that please and thank you are for the fakes. Not so!

I am not here to say that dominants should avoid saying please and thank you. Instead I am here to say that omitting please and thank you in the context of consensual D/s is not necessarily impolite. But we have been taught that we should say please and thank you! Yes, but we have also been taught that we shouldn’t hit someone with a flogger! BDSM creates a different context which makes acts that we avoid in general social situations acceptable within a BDSM interaction.

Let’s start by considering why and when we say please and thank you.

What is our intention when we say please and thank you? We are being polite. And what is our intention when we are being polite? Our intention is to convey respect, which reduces to conveying a gesture of good will. Or we are recognizing the sovereignty or agency of a person and being cautious that we don’t act as if we think that person is below us in rank. It is for the same reasons why we might address someone as Mr. Bush versus Harry.

The need to convey this gesture is greater in formal situations and in situations where there is a greater need to convey that good will and recognition of agency exist. Consider the following situations:

Bob is having a meal at a table and needs pepper that is in front of Harry. Consider the three ways below he can ask for it:

  1. “Pass me the pepper.”
  2. “Harry, please pass me the pepper.”
  3.  “Mr. Bush, would you please pass me the pepper?”

Now imagine each statement in the following contexts:

  1. The lunch is a formal business lunch. Bob had just met Harry who is an associate of same or greater rank of a partner company with whom Bob is negotiating a business deal.
  2. Harry is Bob’s brother.
  3. Harry is Bob’s son.

If we took a survey, most people would agree that statements 2 and 3 are better suited for the business lunch; some people would consider statement 1 inappropriate. While statement 2 would be appropriate with a brother or son, statement 1 would also work without people thinking that it is rude. Statement 3 would be odd in this context.

Now let us imagine another scenario. Pat is supervising recruits in the military and wants to tell the recruits to do push-ups.

  1. “ Down on the ground! Give me 25 push ups!”
  2. “Please get down the ground. Ok, now would you please give me 25 push-ups?”

The second statement reminds us of the soft spoken officer from the Police Academy comedy films, doesn’t it?

Looking at these examples tells us that it is not rude to omit please if good will is established, or if there is an established rank difference and the statement is not a request but an order. Similarly, a dominant may omit please to express a greater authority rank and convey that what was said was an order, especially when good will and underlying respect is established. Indeed some people, dominants and submissives, like to use language to express different ranks, and omitting please is one such way.

Thank you serves two purposes: it conveys good will, respect, and recognition of sovereignty, much like what occurs with please. Also, it shows appreciation and recognition of effort someone made. Here too, thank you may be omitted if the good will and appreciation is clearly established. And thank you may be omitted when what the other person did was expected and compulsory—it too can be a way to show a difference in rank.

What if a dominant wants to omit saying thank you but wants to otherwise show appreciation to the submissive (we all like to receive appreciation)? There are multiple approaches to take then:

  • Say thank you or express appreciation using others words from time to time, and omit saying thank you on each occasion.
  • Express appreciation using words that still reinforce the D/s dynamic (e.g. you pleased me, you served me well, you have been a good servant).
  • Express appreciation non-verbally (a smile, or an appreciative look), possibly in a way that reinforces the D/s dynamic (motioning for the submissive to kneel and stroking the head, or patting the cheek).

What if a dominant wants to say please and thank you? They are entirely welcome to say please and thank you! What if you are a submissive and like to hear please and thank you? You are welcome to say, “Please say please. Thank you for thanking me!”

The points I convey are:

  • If you a dominant and don’t want to say please for sake of expressing D/s, it does not make you rude as long as such interaction is within consent. You might simply be expressing dominance.
  • If you are a submissive and don’t want please or thank you used for sake of D/s, it does not mean you do not value yourself. You might simply be expressing subservience and receiving dominance.
  • If you see a dominant not using please or thank you, it does not mean that the dominant is rude, or that the submissive is allowing the dominant to mistreat them. They might simply be expressing their respective roles.
Feb 142013
 

istock_000005938363small-300x199-1New York, NY; January 24, 2013 –  The tenth anniversary edition of CineKink NYC, “the kinky film festival,” will present an afternoon dedicated to feminist porn and adult cinema on Saturday, March 2, 2013. The day’s special programming will take place at Anthology Film Archives (32 Second Avenue, NYC).

First up at 1 PM,  THE FEMINIST PORN SHOW features feminist pornographer Tristan Taormino, who will introduce the concept of feminist porn and play a selection of short clips she has curated from filmmakers around the world. Narrated by Taormino, the show highlights the work of both pioneers and newcomers, many whose works have previously screened at CineKink, and includes Candida Royalle, Annie Sprinkle, Nina Hartley, Jackie Strano and Shar Rednour, Petra Joy, Erika Lust, Shine Louise Houston, Anna Brownfield, Carlos Batts, N. Maxwell Lander, Emilie Jouvet, Louise Lush, Jaiya, Maria Beatty, Buck Angel, Madison Young, Courtney Trouble, Morty Diamond, Tobi Hill-Meyer, Kelly Shibari, Loree Erickson and more.

At 2:30 PM, THE FEMINIST PORN PANEL will have Taormino joined by groundbreaking filmmaker Candida Royalle, professor and porn scholar Mireille Miller-Young and sex-positive performers Jiz Lee, Sinnamon Love, Kelly Shibari and Courtney Trouble for a discussion of their contributions to The Feminist Porn Book: The Politics of Producing Pleasure (Feminist Press). Sharing their thoughts on feminist porn as a film genre, an industry, and a movement, the panelists will explore what feminist porn is, how it relates to the mainstream adult industry, and their experiences creating, performing, or studying it.

Immediately following the panel, CineKink will host a reception and book signing to celebrate the publication of The Feminist Porn Book, the first collection to include writings by scholars, academics, producers and performers about feminist porn.

And at 4:30 PM, CineKink’s annual competition and showcase, BRING IT!, will feature a dazzling array of talent from today’s adult cinema, all stepping up with a hot sampling of their recent creative endeavors. Taormino herself is a past two-time winner of the competition, in 2010 (for “Tristan Taormino’s Rough Sex”) and 2011 (for “Tristan Taormino’s Rough Sex 2”); the line-up for the 2013 showcase has not yet been announced.

“I am so thrilled to bring ‘The Feminist Porn Show’ and a discussion about feminist porn to CineKink,” said Taormino. “CineKink is one of the only film festivals that supports and nurtures feminist porn, and creates space to talk about the politics that come along with it.”

Ticket prices are $10 for each individual program, $15 for the “The Feminist Porn + Panel,” or $25 for the entire afternoon, with additional discounts available for advance, online purchase. An all-access festival pass, including admission to all screenings and parties taking place during CineKink NYC, is also available.

Scheduled for February 26-March 3, 2013, the tenth annual CineKink NYC will feature a specially-curated program of films and videos that celebrate and explore a wide diversity of sexuality. In addition to screenings, plans for the festival also include a short film competition, audience choice awards, and a gala kick-off event, along with retrospective screenings commemorating a decade’s worth of kinky programming. The full festival schedule will be announced in early February.

For more information and advance tickets, visit http://www.cinekink.com.

Is Monogamy Natural?

 Posted by on February 12, 2013
Feb 122013
 

istock_000019333456medium-500x333-300x199-6753938As I continue to grow and evolve, my perspectives often change and expand.  This is normal for anyone who is a seeker of truth.  The rabbit hole of knowledge is an infinite bottomless pit that expands for infinity.  The more you discover, the more your views broaden.

With that being said, there was a time when I believed monogamous relationships were unnatural.  I would introduce people to points that were made within the popular book “Sex at Dawn” which supported this claim.  I would also express that it was impossible for monogamy to be natural when we are attracted and drawn to so many different people throughout our lives.

I have recently begun to look at the concept of monogamy from a slightly different angle.  I no longer view monogamy as being unnatural.  I believe it is very natural for two people who love each other unconditionally to be completely committed to each other.  The concept of monogamy is not unnatural, it is simply limiting.

We have been programmed by our societal construct to believe that there is only one way a relationship should be experienced.  Our obsession with monogamy goes beyond generational influences.  It is also openly accepted because it caters to our own insecurities.  Many of us are not capable of loving ourselves, so we long for someone else to fill in that void.  Whenever this is the case, monogamous relationships become co-dependencies.

Before two people can engage in a healthy monogamous relationship, they both have to be secure with who they are and love themselves completely with flaws and all.  When this is the case, you stop looking for partners to fill a subconscious void.  This translates into experiencing relationships that are based on true “companionship” as opposed to “ownership.” Within this type of connection, commitment and freedom are experienced at the same time.  The desire to attach a ball and chain to the one you love disappears. You simply allow the partnership to last as long as it may, whether it is a season or a lifetime.

Monogamy is natural, but our current module is plagued with our own insecurities.  Every relationship we experience brings our inner pain to the surface.  If we choose to face these demons with the desire to heal and love ourselves more, we begin to experience healthier monogamous relationships.

Once this occurs the possibility of connecting with people outside of your partnership will no longer be a threat to your bond.  Connecting with other people whether platonically, sexually or both will simply be a new way to express freedom within your individuality.  Sharing space with someone outside of your partnership does not have to equate to being less committed.  Our ego jumps to this conclusion because we want to feel as if we are the only ones who should be entitled to experience the person we “own.”  If ownership is the foundation of your relationship, your connection is not based on unconditional love.

Unconditional love can be experienced within the limits of monogamy and within the vastness of open relationships as long as two people are committed to loving themselves just as much as they love their partners.  It is not a matter of  “right” or “wrong” when it comes to choosing the kind of relationship you want to experience.  The goal should be to have a healthy relationship in general.