But I AM Communicating!

 Posted by on December 24, 2012
Dec 242012
 

istock_000021568103small-300x191-1679928We’ve all learned the secret to good, successful relationships by now, right?

Communicate, communicate, communicate! It’s one of the favorite mantras of relationship counselors the world over. Whether you’re trying to solve issues with integrating your girlfriend’s boyfriend’s new lover into your poly family, planning a special activity with your spouse of 30+ years to help keep the home fires burning, or simply trying to get the mailroom clerk at work to deliver packages to the proper location, “good, clear communication” seems to be the suggestion on the tip of everyone’s tongue. Over and over we’re told that everything will work itself out…if we can simply communicate well. So we learn to use I statements, avoid the hyperbole that accompanies those pesky always/never comments, discuss how situations make us feel, and prioritize focused “talk/processing time.” Perhaps you even practice the art of “echoing” (What I hear you saying is…) to minimize the possibility of miscommunications. You’ve perfected the art of communication and, yet, life has failed to come together flawlessly and yield clear answers to all of your problems.

Truthfully, life is messy and even the best communicators can’t always rely on good communication skills alone to get them through the challenging periods (or the good ones, for that matter). Individuals in the kink, BDSM, and alternative sexuality communities seem to embrace the communicate mantra with a fervor, often to the detriment of learning other skills that may help in conflict resolution, intimacy building, and mutual understanding. We often assume communicating means “talking it out” and forget that good communication involves far more than words. True communication incorporates non-verbal elements as well. A smile, hug, or nod may do more to open someone up to your point of view than an hour of talking ever will; non-verbal elements often help to reinforce what you’re saying in a way that resonates with the person you’re speaking to. In fact, humans are programmed to prioritize and trust non-verbal responses over words in most situations. If you find your communication is falling flat, check out what your body language is saying.

Are you presenting a unified message? Is your mouth saying one thing, but your body saying other? Your conversation isn’t likely to get far if your partner finds your manner standoffish, domineering, or insincere regardless of how calm, engaging, and earnest the words exiting your mouth may be. If you’re truly interested in opening communication with another, you’ll need to display some very clear non-verbal indicators that you’re paying attention to your partner and eagerly awaiting their responses. Start by “opening up” your body position, sit or stand facing them directly without blocking your body by crossing your arms or hunching forward; this shows you are ready to engage them as an equal. Making eye contact helps to confirm that you’re interested and paying attention to what’s happening between you, so be sure to look at them directly. However, avoid staring, as such actions can be read as threatening and overbearing. The simple process of placing your body in a more open position can do wonders for advancing your communication with others.

However, it’s important to not only appear open to communication, but to actually make yourself emotionally and mentally receptive. An oft overlooked aspect of communication is connection. When most people talk about communicating what they really are attempting to accomplish is a sense of mutual understanding with their conversational partners. The process of communication is a means to an end. We use words in hopes that the person listening will get the meaning behind them. This means that you have to take time to attempt to see the point of view of the other person and evaluate the ways in which your actions and words may be interpreted. Making yourself vulnerable and showing you are willing to listen to constructive criticism, as well as praise, allows other to feel more open to constructive criticism coming from you.

While “talking it out” is a critical part of effective communication, it isn’t the only part. If you want to make sure your communication is at its best, remember to take into account what you’re saying beyond your words. Open up physically, mentally, and emotionally to those you wish to engage and your communicative efforts are sure to blossom.

Mindful Promiscuity

 Posted by on December 22, 2012
Dec 222012
 

istock_000009210472xsmall2-300x199-6936734“Swans mate for life.”  Heard that before?  I’m sure someone reading this has.  Just one problem – closer scientific observation has shown that it ain’t necessarily so.  Some swans cheat, have open marriages, and even divorce.

Besides, we’re not swans.  We’re not even in the same class.  So why do some religious folks try to make human beings behave like water fowl?

The ideal of pure, lifelong monogamy has become so ingrained in our culture that it’s become almost meaningless.  It is an example of what many theologians call “legalism” – an almost mechanical adherence to rules, forgetting the real end to be desired.  That’s a core reason for the title of this month’s column.  So often have we heard of “mindless promiscuity” that we forget that there’s also a lot of mindless monogamy going on.  And that there are other options for sharing love and pleasure.

Rather than rules, let me challenge you with four core principles for sexual relationships, whether it’s a temporary hookup, a long-term ménage, or a life journey with a soulmate:

The first principle is honesty.  This is often defined as “telling the truth,” but we all know that some truth-telling can be hurtful.  I prefer to think of honesty as “respect for truth,” which takes into consideration the need to discern when and how one can share that truth with others.

The second is compassion.  We often think of this as caring for another person, but it can also include care for oneself.  Compassion calls for empathy, for understanding the needs of the one who receives care, whether it is listening to them, giving them space, or sharing space and sensation in lovemaking.

The third principle does not really have a simple word in English, and so I like to borrow from the Sanskrit: ahimsa.  The best translation is “a striving towards non-injury,” both emotional and physical.  Ahimsa is the foundation from which we can grow towards a fuller sense of well-being.

Now, a little aside here, for all my fellow kinksters.  Yes, it would seem that some BDSM practices might fly in the face of this principle.  How do you strive towards non-injury while doing erotic flogging and piercing?  Well, the Vedic scholars discussed this in the light of other principles.  Each person and living thing must follow their own rightful path, or dharma, according to their calling or purpose.  Warriors have a rightful path of defending their land and people, doing so without malice towards their opponents, and without involving non-combatants.  Doesn’t that some similar to the values embraced by the BDSM community?  So yes, you can pick up that cane or violet wand with a spirit of ahimsa – what I would call “warrior ahimsa.”

Last but not least, there is enjoyment.  Western cultures have tended to view sexual and sensual pleasure with distrust, so much so that H. L. Mencken famously defined puritans as people with the uneasy feeling that someone out there was enjoying themselves.  But when I talk about enjoyment, I don’t just mean the passive receiving of joy and pleasure.  I think we should also embrace an active sense of enjoyment, infusing joy and pleasure in all that we do.

Respect truth.  Care for one another, including yourself.  Strive towards non-injury.  Bring joy to your lives.  Whether you have only one partner or a thousand, whether it’s for a single moment for a lifetime, may you create and nurture the best relationships you possibly can.  And never be afraid to ask for help along the way.

 

Let’s Start from the Top. Or is it Bottom?

 Posted by on December 20, 2012
Dec 202012
 

istock_000000162629medium-300x220-8201909“I want to be a dominant! People tell me I should start out as a submissive. Is that right?”

Let’s start by taking a look at two reasons why people might suggest this idea.

  1. More so in early days of the public and organized BDSM scene, many saw a hierarchy of ranks between dominants and submissives. You had to move up the ranks to be recognized as a dominant or master.
  2. Some people think that to effectively be a dominant one must experience submission, much like a sergeant is more effectively able to lead subordinates for having been in their shoes at one time.

For sake of completeness, an ulterior motive to get you in a submissive role could also lead to such a suggestion made to you.

Today, the first reason is less commonly cited and the second more so. So let’s focus on the second and start by considering what benefit does a dominant gain by taking on the role of a submissive.

Dominance or sadism is not always about leadership. That said, there is indeed a benefit when leadership is involved because you gain first-hand knowledge about some aspects of submission and you might be able to share any tricks you developed during your experience as a submissive. For example, you might be able to give tips about how to manage time, how to process a difficult experience and manage ego, how to check for understanding for instructions, how to process pain, what to watch for and report when in bondage, etc.

Also, this experience might allow you to better empathize with a submissive when, for example, everyday demands create stress that hinders *voluntary* submission, or when a submissives feels the submission is taken for granted. However, you gain this empathy only for aspects of submission that are common to being human and you would have to experience scenarios that create these difficulties in order to gain this insight.

Furthermore, this knowledge and empathy can be reached through other ways. You can draw upon personal experience in similar situations (e.g. being taken for granted at work, juggling obligations of work with stress at home) or upon communication with other dominants and submissives who can speak to this matter. And this knowledge is only part of the puzzle; you might understand a cost but not the gratification which offsets this cost unless you are wired to psychosexually respond to submission. Thus, this point has limited applicability.

Another related idea is that you should know what a sensation feels like before exposing a submissive to it. I think this point gives general ballpark information because pain is somewhat subjective. For example, some people like pain that is thuddy (think a hammer fist punch on the upper back) while some like sting (think a slap on the upper back). Some like low intensities of pain while some like it high. A masochist likes pain whereas you might not.

It never hurts to strike your hand or leg with a new type of sensation to get a relative idea of intensity but I don’t think a complete scene is necessary with each sensation. A more effective way to know what an implement or type of pain feels like and how hard it can be used on a submissive is to start with low intensity and gradually increase the intensity while asking the submissive to rank the pain on a scale of 1-10.

So I think being played with each or any specific implement also has limited benefit. If a case is to be made here, I think it can more strongly be made for experiencing the endorphin flight to get some sense for what type of altered state of mind and loss of faculties your submissive might face during SM play.

Thus, whether you should first try submission depends on what you hope to gain out of experiencing submission, and whether you want to do it versus whether your motivation is because you are told you ought to do it.

If you want to do it, great! All things equal, going through submission will give you experience and first-hand knowledge beyond what you would have otherwise, which carries value. But this knowledge has limited applicability and can be acquired through conversation. I think it is more important to acquire knowledge and skills from others which relate directly to your role: how to read the skin and body language, what to do if a bottom becomes non-responsive, etc.

On a parting note, I will leave with you am amusing question. Why are not submissives encouraged to assume the dominant role so they can better empathize with a dominant?

Oh the Fur!

 Posted by on December 19, 2012
Dec 192012
 

istock_000019892314small-300x199-7115123This fall and winter the fashion world has embraced fur again. Open any magazine and you’ll see fur trimmed collars, hats, boots… Fur was all over those dang pages. When I purchased the enormous fall issue of Vogue, I remember feeling appalled at all the fur. I couldn’t believe that designers were revisiting it. Hadn’t we been through all that already? I remembered blood being thrown on coats and protestors in the streets. I don’t condone the destruction of people’s property, but that’s how I remember the controversy surrounding fur.

I’m not a vegetarian, and I grew up on a farm so I understand that animals die to feed us. However, raising animals purely for their pelts never sat right with me. It struck me as wasteful. No one eats the minks after they were skinned. Or beavers. Or fox. I’ve always held my own personal protest by not purchasing anything with real fur until four years ago when I bought a winter coat with a collar made of white rabbit fur. It was one of the softest things I’ve ever felt in my life. I felt a twinge of shame as I tried it on for the first time, but a little voice whispered, “it was only one rabbit, and it’s such a small collar. It was probably a small rabbit that died of old age.” OK, so that’s a ridiculous justification, but I loved that coat. And I still wear it.

I thought fur was once again a non-issue for me until the day my girlfriend mentioned a fur coat that her mother gave her. I’m certain I looked incredulous when I said, “you have a fur coat?” It turned out that her mother bought it for a ridiculously cheap price at a thrift store and gifted it to my girlfriend. She didn’t like wearing it though, because her backpack didn’t fit over it when she had to teach on campus. I have to admit that the mental image of her hiking across the quad sporting a fur coat and a stuffed backpack made me giggle. My girlfriend took that as a challenge, and the next night she brought it with her and hefted it into my arms.

“It’s fake, I think,” she said with a shrug.

I’m now the owner of a 1970’s era real fur coat with leather trim. It falls to mid-thigh and is light golden brown. I have no idea what kind of animal made it, but it’s not fake. I haven’t been to the opera lately, so I wear it when I walk the dog around the neighborhood. I’m certain that I look ridiculous in my sneakers and yoga pants sticking out from under a round ball of brown fur. Because let’s be honest here, we curvy girls look even curvier under a heavy fur coat. Fur isn’t form-fitting. Unless you’re the animal that was born with it.

For several days I stewed about whether it was a good thing to have it or not until I finally decided to make peace with the furry gift. My girlfriend and I had a date, so I answered the door wearing nothing but panties and the fur coat. Everyone was happy with that arrangement, and I’m thinking of wearing my coat to the next play party. Naked of course.

You Don’t Get What You Don’t Ask For

 Posted by on December 18, 2012
Dec 182012
 

istock_000000838822small-300x199-5373619Most of the clients we work with are pretty well skilled in communication. Given that most of them are some type of sex educator or worker, it’s vital that they be able to communicate what they need, want, will/won’t accept and often to teach their clients and students those same skills. But there is one area where nearly all of them fall short in communication – talking about money.

It isn’t odd to be uncomfortable talking about money, most of us aren’t taught to discuss it growing up, and survey after survey suggests it is the #1 reason many marriages end in divorce (not to mention many business marriages) so how do we counsel our clients to better communicate about this important topic? In a few different large-scale ways that can easily be applied to smaller scale items as well.

1.)  Address it Up Front.  Experienced sex workers know, you have to make sure folks know your rate and you have to get paid up front. The same wisdom goes for anyone working for themselves – make your rates clear and get as much of the payment as you can up front. “But I have different rates for different things or different audiences,” you may be saying “and I’m always willing to negotiate if it’s something I really want to do.” Great! Then write that down on that same sheet of paper or webpage where you list your prices. Have different tiers of pricing, have a university and an interest group rate, put as many caveats as you want, but SET YOUR PRICES AND MAKE SURE PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT THEM. This will cut down dramatically on calls from people who may waste your time because they can’t afford you or they want something for free. If you make it clear upfront you charge for your services, it becomes far easier to collect when the time comes, and saves an awkward step in the negotiation process. If someone hasn’t seen your rates, you can ask that early in the conversation and get it out of the way.

The second part of this is also asking for a deposit up front. This is another way to see if a customer is serious about hiring and paying you, and gives you compensation while you prepare for the event. If you’re dealing with a company or university who says they absolutely can not pay you in advance, make it clear that you will expect payment as soon as possible after delivery of services, and include some type of cancellation fee IN ADDITION to your total fee that will both be required if the event is cancelled. All of these things will help prevent one cancellation or late payment from screwing up your cash flow for months.

2.)  Make it Easy to Collect.  Sometimes people who are supposed to pay you don’t. It’s not always because they are bad people (though it may certainly feel like that when you’re not getting paid!) but various things may come up. And like the old adage says “it’s the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.” If you are owed money, be sure to quickly invoice for it and have a system of following up on those invoices. If it would help and you have room in your profit margin, offer a discount for folks who pay early. Accept credit cards if at all possible (and these days, no matter what part of the industry you work in, it’s possible, it just might take some time to set up). And finally, make sure your agreement (written if at ALL possible, which can also include terms on a website which a person has to agree to before they can make a purchase or reserve your time) has terms that require that the person/organization that owes you money will be responsible for all the costs associated with collection if they don’t pay on time.

3.)  Use Your Resources.  So what if you’ve done all of the above and still aren’t getting paid? Now it’s time to get creative.  If you own your own web domain (and if you don’t you should) create an accounting@mycompany.com email address and send a friendly notice that the invoice is overdue. As mentioned before, follow up at timely intervals, and if days stretch into weeks, make those intervals closer together. If you were dealing with a university or organization, find someone else from there and address your concern with them. Finally, if all else fails and the amount is substantial enough, think about hiring a bill collector or attorney to take care of the matter for you. Keep good records so whomever you turn it over to will know the steps you’ve taken, and figure out what you might be able to do differently next time to avoid a late or non-payment. And then, cut yourself a little slack and remember, you’re in this business because you love it, and though it may seem like it, the jerks don’t outnumber the fellow good folks…it just feels like that sometimes!

Healing the Divine Masculine

 Posted by on December 17, 2012
Dec 172012
 

istock_000022047655small-300x199-4975268Being a male at this time on the planet, it is somewhat disappointing to see the lack of concern among my fellow men to work on internal issues.  We have been taught to deal with everything externally, instead of dealing with our inner emotions and blockages that hold us back from evolving.  For most of us the idea of expressing love is looked upon as being unmanly or “soft”, when love is the source of all that is. Our current societal definition of “manhood” appears to be sorely based on external strengths, but this foundation is rooted within deep insecurities. We have to re-define “manhood” with a more balanced perspective that includes “inner” and “outer” strength.

The current patriarchal societal structure is a reflection of the insecurities we have as men by wanting to control and suppress women, whether it be sexually, intellectually, etc… What I find interesting is that most men who are male chauvinists have no idea where their ideas stem from.  They think being a man automatically grants them a natural privilege to control and suppress feminine energy.  Remnants of this concept can even be found in religion. For example, The Holy Bible states the following… “But suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.” (1 Timothy 2:12)  The concept of this current patriarchal society was set up a long time ago by men who couldn’t handle the fact that woman are powerful beings as well.

It is time for us as men to realize that we can be powerful without being controlling.  One who feels the need to control is one full of fear.  There is no need to fear or envy the power of a woman.  In fact, the entire world would benefit in every way if feminine principals were giving the freedom to flourish. “Masculine” and “feminine” principals working together would bring a balance between the heart (feminine principle “intuition”) and the mind (linear principle “action”). We are currently destroying the earth and each other because the majority has a perspective that lacks the heart principle of compassion.  Compassion combined with action is the balanced alternative to the current idea of controlling with action.

The first step in healing ourselves is to realize that we have a feminine side within us.  When we learn to honor and respect our feminine side, we can then slowly begin to appreciate women more. We can begin to do this by stepping into having the courage to express our emotions.  We should never be ashamed to cry or express affection whenever we need to.  Tony Porter addressed this very issue a couple of years ago with a lecture entitled “A Call to Men” as a guest speaker for a TED talks event.  I applaud him for being one of the few men that have had the courage to speak about this issue.  You can listen to his lecture at the following YouTube link… http://youtu.be/td1PbsV6B80

Next, we need to deal with our controlling issues.  Having the urge to control is a reaction influenced by fear.  There is no strength in fear no matter how the actions may appear externally.  We have to learn to put our pride to the side and let our egos subside.

The key is addressing these issues by going deep within and facing the root of the problem.  It would be beneficial for more men to explore meditation and spiritual practices that influence one to go inward.  If we want to keep up with the surge of women who are currently doing the work, we have to back away from external distractions that have us focus on everything else but ourselves.  There is no better time to start then right NOW, if we have the desire to evolve into the divine masculine. We have an important role to play in bringing back the balance on this planet.

If you’re a male reading this article and you are looking for guidance on how to address any of these issues in more detail, you can contact me directly at the following email address adeeperlove9@gmail.com.  I look forward to connecting with other men who recognize how important it is to focus on self-improvement.

I also discuss this subject in the following YouTube clip…

 

Blossoming Affection as Activism

 Posted by on December 16, 2012
Dec 162012
 
istock_000020170882small-300x199-9587233When last I visited my Seattle boyfriend, we were holding hands in public on our way to a movie in the downtown area. After many years of therapy and self-work to rid myself of abusive religion in my childhood, I was proud of myself for being so comfortable — almost unconscious about expressing basic affection as a same-sex couple. Wonderfully, we were not the only ones. There were several other same-sex couples, not to mention straight couples, who were comfortable with their touch, and I say, “Let the affection blossom!”
Truthfully, I think I felt (and maybe others felt the same) that it was safer. Our society is moving along (sometimes kicking and screaming) toward positive diversity and civil tolerance, especially in light of the last election.
It’s an exciting prospect to be drawing close to one of those cultural tipping points, if we haven’t reached it already. Enough LGBTQ folks have risked to tell the truth. People have rallied around them for the sake of justice, and it makes a better, safer, more loving society. Of course, there is still a lot more work to be done, but it doesn’t have to be drudgery. It can be as simple, beautiful and important as a hug or taking someone’s hand.
What makes this sexologist beam with pride is that it makes our overall sexuality more healthy too. Take for example the public scenario I started with. As LGBTQ people feel more comfortable to be affectionate in public, others who see us realize that we are not “flaunting” our sexuality, or trying to shove some agenda down everyone’s throats. We are simply doing what loving, touch-positive people do — expressing ourselves, regardless of our orientation. Sure, there are those who will see this only as a negative and a sign of the apocalypse. But others see it and receive it as a gift of permission to reach out to their loved ones in the same affectionate manner.
This “normalizes” the importance of affectionate touch for every human being. Most other countries have accepted this all along — brothers holding hands, guys dancing together, kissing people on the lips regardless of their gender. It is the good ol’ USA with it’s puritanical, fear-based, touch-negative history that has made isolation the norm. “…And it ain’t a workin’ for us anymore, sister!”
Once again, it is society’s outcasts — the sexual minorities that get to lead the way toward a better life. As the LGBTQ community (and its allies) has stood it’s ground, stood for justice and positive sexuality, it have raised the bar of healthy sexuality for anyone who wants to live with more joy, and less fear. Equality is a win/win opportunity! What a wonderful time to live. We get to see the fruits of our labor from this past election and they are going to make the future sweet!

Planning a Kinky Dinner Party

 Posted by on December 14, 2012
Dec 142012
 

istock_000000180005small-300x225-3334816With the holidays coming around the corner, it is the time where people get together to celebrate. In the kink scene, there can be a number of different social gatherings. There is the conference, the workshop, a munch, or a play party are examples. But sometimes it can be more enjoyable to socialize without worrying about law enforcement,, or alerting the neighbors to alter ego with whip cracks. This is where the dinner party comes in quite handy.

Hosting a great dinner party takes some time and preparation. Creating a theme can give you a base to start these preparations and make planning a run a little smoother. Themes can vary from a simple color scheme, to an actual object, holiday, or idea. An example might be a dinner party revolving around rope play. Using that theme you can tie in the concept with decorations, menu, and activities. Chairs could be decorated with ornate knots and small lengths of rope can adorn silverware as napkin holders. You can move this into the entertainment as well, which we will discuss later.

The first item that can draw in a theme is the actual invitations. My recommendation is always to send a physical invitation as they have a more personal touch. You can play with color, texture and illustrations to make the invitation really create the atmosphere. Creating an invitation does not require a printer, or even a home printer. You can get supplies at home office stores, or the big box stores and create them with a little imagination.

Digital invitations are an option as well, and can be used when addresses are not available or relationships are not close enough to have a physical address accessible. While Fetlife or Facebook might be tempting to make an event listing, it can open the event to uninvited guests and change the intimate atmosphere. There are plenty of free websites that will allow you to send digital invites and keep track of guests.

Relationship dynamics are something to keep vigilant of when addressing individuals. If the individual has a relationship where the dominant is very involved, the invitation would be best to address to that dominant with the submissive included but not given a second invitation. With those guests not in a formal relationship, or whose dynamic  does not have a hierarchy, a single invite is correct.

Something to keep in mind is that dinner guests may anticipate play, despite the name of the event your guests may assume that play is allowed. Placing a small reminder of your preference on the invitation can clarify. This will avoid a guest deciding to do a CBT scene right in the middle of the second course.

Another consideration is the decision regarding the actual serving of dinner. Options can include having several service submissives in charge of the meal, or a single “party” sub who handles the food for all guests. This choice depends on the size of your dinner party and the availability of service subs in your social circle. A third option, especially for those who enjoy people pleasing is to take care of all your guests as the host of the evening.

I hope you are beginning to create your dinner party themes, in my next installment we will explore more basics such as entertainment and the menu itself. Happy Planning!

Sex With an Ex

 Posted by on December 12, 2012
Dec 122012
 

intimate-young-couple-during-foreplay-in-bed-2“I know for a FACT that, if I actually wanted to or TRIED, I could fuck ANY ONE of my ex-girlfriends!”

My other male co-workers nodded in unison at The Cartoonist’s affirmative statement.

“Bullshit,” I replied.

I demanded that there was no way in hell any guy I’d already been with could just magically get into my pants simply because he wanted to.

The Cartoonist demanded otherwise.

His reasoning was based off the premise that, because the sexual relationship had already been established at some point, it’s a definite shoe-in for any guy who wants it from there on out.

He likened it to riding a bike: Once you figure it out, you’ll always remember how to ride it.  And every time you see it…you can just as easily ride that thing if you so choose.

Ugh.

I adamantly refuted any such claim, all the while picturing in my head whether or not I’ve fallen victim to this apparently inevitable occurrence myself.

Sure I’d slept with all my exes after they’d become exes.

So what, doesn’t everyone?

And yeah I didn’t stop my neighbor from tearing off my clothes and having his way with me after he broke my heart and spat on it.

It was in the heat of the moment!

And fine maybe I did get instantly wet the second I set eyes on Drummer again after having not seen or spoken to each other in four months.

Shit.  The Cartoonist was right.

Is it possible that we’re all somehow doomed to inherently respond to the physical advances of somebody who was already previously in or around our private parts?

Despite what I’ll openly admit to my coworkers, it’s definitely something I can’t rule out at this point.

The Battle of the Sexes

I valiantly attempted to figure out if this was a male-specific pattern of thought after such an erroneous conversation (there’s definitely something to be said about the fact that I was completely unaware of this phenomena in a group of five men who all somehow knew it to be true).  Of course, I took to my iPhone to implement the appropriate research.

After having sent several mass texts to both men and women, I can confirm that all men in my contact list agree with my co-workers and all women in my contact list agree with me, in that it is nothing more than a delusion of grandeur of all men secretly wishing this was true.

In her article entitled “Why Do Women Get Aroused and Not Even Know It?” Jena Pincott discusses several research studies that have hooked women up to machines to measure female genital responses to various visual cues (different types of pornography).  The results of these studies found that women were oftentimes unaware of the extent to which they were physically aroused, explaining that specific erotic scenes – gang bangs, bondage, girl-girl action – did not mentally entice them while the physical evidence suggested otherwise.  She then further states that women are more prone to editing their self-reports of sexual arousal in accordance to socially desirable responding.  In other words, women are more likely to deny being into the idea of double penetration than they are to tell people, “Yeah, two dicks at a time?  SO INTO IT!”

In Jeanna Bryner’s article, “Men know it when aroused, women may not,” she talks about research dealing with the mind/body connection during sexual arousal in both men and women.  These studies have found that women are much less in sync in regards to mental and physical arousal as opposed to men whose mental subjective experiences correlated consistently with their physical experiences.  Translation:  Men get hard and they get it.  Women get wet, and they don’t quite get it.

Muscle Memory

In fishing for explanations to my own sexual surrenders, I immediately thought of muscle memory.  Muscle Memory is described in Women’s Health Magazine as the physiological blueprint created after having trained our bodies to perform a routine task.  I used to ballroom dance and, to this day, certain rhythms and beats still evoke specific, involuntary movements out of me.  There’s no thought that precedes them, my body just reacts.

Is that what happens to us when we’re around people with whom our bodies had previous reactions?

Do our bodies just instinctively know it’s “go time” before we do?

Based on the aforementioned research, it seems men are more understanding and accepting of the involuntary reactions through which their bodies proceed when in the presence of a “muscle memory”-inducing mate.  Women, on the other hand, may be less inclined to know (or admit?) the same.

With all that said, I could see it being possible that women are in complete denial over the fact that they can be subdued and seduced by any former fuck.

I can also understand the claim that women are far less pronounced in admitting what they will and will not sexually submit to.

Because I am clearly no exception.

Mind Over Member/Muff

At the end of the day though, no ex of mine is gonna get into my pants without my consent.  Period (unless of course they rape me, but we’re not even going there).  And yet, I understand the argument of all my male acquaintances, which happens to be that I will apparently always give such consent.

But it can’t possibly be considered a general rule as much as it should be seen as situational.

Yes, I’ll admit that there have been times when my body has overtaken any rational thought in regards to not having hot, nasty naughty time with Ghosts of Exes Passed.  However, I will also give myself due credit in stating that I have definitely denied access to at least one ex who tried to get to my vajay.

To me, it’s just pretty obvious that it takes a strong sense of logic and will power to overcome this apparently insurmountable force that may seemingly take place when we’re physically next to somebody we’ve been physically IN or who’s been physically in US.

MIND OVER MATTER.

Frankly, I’d like to think that the concept of any ex being a “sure thing” is completely subjective and fabricated only by those who need to fall back on the Ex Factor when they’re not getting laid.  Whether the ex is a man or woman to me is completely irrelevant, as I’m sure the same can be said about women thinking the same about their exes.

Because let’s face it ladies, we definitely think we can bed any ex-boyfriend just as easily too.

The question is, would you men disagree?

Sexy Gift Giving Guide for 2012

 Posted by on December 11, 2012
Dec 112012
 

istock_000002864956small-800x536-300x201-4537845Alright everyone, it’s time for the requisite holiday gift-giving guide! A tradition of sharing favorites from the year which will make the recipient happy all the next year long! Some of these do have affiliate code links, but I never recommend anything unless I actually believe it’s a quality product or service. Personal recommendations should be exactly that! So here it goes!

Crystal Delights has always been on my list and always will be. They make the highest quality, prettiest and most ethical products. And Shellie, the owner is an absolute sweet heart! You can get one of a kind butt plugs in any size you need (some of them even have a fluffy tail attached!), or a glass dildo (with a twist!) or their creative new item, The Torch which you have to see for yourself! For the holidays Crystal Delights is offering some great deals & discounts, so check them out.

If you’re looking to try out latex clothing for the first time, the The Latex Store is the place to go. They appear at many events, but you can surf their stuff online anytime. It’s a great place to get a starter wardrobe (or single piece), everything is made from nice quality latex, the simple designs can be mixed and matched plus they have some snazzy items that make are an entire outfit. And yep, they’re having a “blow-out” sale for the holidays.

It is a bit of a splurge but the on-going orgasms are worth it! There is nothing like the Sybian or the Venus 2000 in terms of power and get-up-and-go. I know I’ve coveted having my own for years, after trying it out a party ages ago. Everyone I know who owns one loves it….it’s the gift that keeps on giving!

If you love books then here are a couple of great new ones for you. One of Erotications educators Richard Sprott co-authored a book called Sexual Outsiders: Understanding BDSM Sexualities and Communities and Lee Harrington & Mollena, two other Erotication educators just released Playing Well with Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Exploring and Navigating the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities  both of which are really amazing resources for understanding and navigating the BDSM world. If you’re new to the kink community, these are the new must have books and if you’re been around a kinky block or two there’s still some great info these books share.

Spicy Subscriptions is a new service that I had the pleasure of reviewing. It’s a monthly subscription that sends you a goodie box full of sexy new items once a month. The items are different every month (grab-bag style!) & they’re working with some great companies to fill those boxes. If you want to enjoy a sexy surprise (or you want your partner to get new monthly inspiration *wink*) then this would make a great on-going gift. They are also having a sale for the holidays!

If you, or a loved one read the world wide sensation Fifty Shades of Grey and found titillation, take the inspiration further with a subscription to FiftyShadesRomance.com, a site I recently launched that takes the most relevant videos from Kink Academy & Passionate U to make them easy to find and easy to relate to the scenes in the trilogy. Even if you haven’t read the books but are new to kink it’s a great site to start with!

Speaking of great sites, this year was the 3rd year anniversary of KinkAcademy.com which is an awesome gift for both new & long time kinksters. By the end of 2012 the site will have over 1000 clips from a huge array of nationally recognized sexuality educators. If you’re interested in more mainstream sex-ed, then PassionateU.com is the way to go, it’s been live for almost 2 years and has over 500 clips. The current price for each individual site is only $100 for 365 days (one! Whole! Year!) but only until 2013 kicks off. So now’s the time to get yourself or someone you know access to the largest video sex-ed collection on the web for less than 30 cents a day.

Here’s one that’s a little less traditional but can be just as sexy. If you or someone you know is looking to build a website, for personal or professional use, I can’t recommend 3design3 enough. Laura is a powerhouse of creativity, patience and skill. You (or the someone you know) can start the new year right with a plan to build a website that is unique and expressive. I think it’s sexy to receive such an important & practical gift, for yourself or someone else!

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