A Disquieting Silence

 Posted by on August 16, 2011
Aug 162011
 

By DNGG

The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF) is currently promoting a program called “Consent Counts.” Numerous classes on negotiation, boundaries, and safety practices are taught each year at kink events around the globe. A plethora of well-known sex educators, presenters, bloggers, and activists have spoken about the difference between BDSM and abuse. Yet, when BDSM ceases to be a consented to activity and becomes abuse, many remain silent.

Luckily, that silence is being broken by more and more brave souls. Kitty Striker and Maggie Mayham recently did an interview with SF Weekly speaking out against abuse within kink communities. International Ms Leather 2010, Mollena Williams, has shared her personal story of experiencing abuse inside the Leather community and encouraged other with similar stories to break the code of silence surrounding abuse. However, many who have experienced abuse within BDSM are ashamed or scared to come forward, they find themselves caught in what Elisabeth Noelle-Neumann termed a spiral of silence.

Noelle-Neumann, a German political scientist, first developed the model of the spiral of silence in an attempt to explain how perceived public opinion can influence individual opinions or actions. She claimed that a person was less likely to speak out about a topic if they believed their point of view was in the minority and may prompt reprisal or isolation from the majority. The theory relies on the idea that in any given situation every individual has an intuitive way of knowing what the prevailing public opinion is at the moment. The spiral is created and consistently reinforced when a spokesperson for the majority opinion confidently voices said view. As such experiences become more and more common, the minority feels less comfortable voicing their opinion for fear of being shunned.

I believe we’re unwittingly silencing our fellow kinksters who have experienced abuse within the “safety” of the BDSM community by constantly claiming to value consent and touting the differences between BDSM and abuse. Just to be clear, such things are important. Consent should be a part of all kink experiences and individuals need to be made aware of how to tell the difference between abuse and consenting adults enjoying BDSM. However, too often, the message that seems to emerge is “abuse doesn’t happen within the community” instead of “we provide tools (information on consent, BDSM practices, and abuse) to help lessen the likelihood that abuse will occur within the community.”

As individuals within a sexual minority, it’s not surprising that BDSM practitioners want to put their best face forward. The constant repetition that “BDSM is not abuse” is important for gaining the acceptance of the larger population. However, when BDSM becomes abuse, the same phrase that helped our community gain ground with the vanilla world becomes a stumbling block for those who have encountered abuse as part of their kink experience. They feel trapped, unable to articulate what they know was not “normal” BDSM for fear that their experience will be written off as them being overly dramatic or not understanding standard BDSM practices.

Sadly, the people most likely to follow into a spiral of silence are those whose voices are already rarely heard (although anyone could be a victim). Most of the people I’ve encounter with tales of abuse have identified as submissive, people that are expected to “know how to do what they’re told” and “go along with whatever the person in control wants.” Often their complaints or need for support are met with a disavowal that what they call abuse actually could be. After all, “BDSM is not abuse” and SuperDom McDomlyPants was simply helping you expand your limits as a sub, not disregarding your consent and acting in an abusive fashion.

While I’m not suggesting we stop noting the differences between BDSM and abuse, I do endorse the idea of acknowledging that sometime individuals use the idea of BDSM to hide abuse. Until we acknowledge that abuse is just as possible within the BDSM community as it is outside of it, kinksters that have experienced abuse within the community are likely to remain silent.

Take the time to read accounts of abuse within the community like Kitty Stryker’s “I Never Called It Rape” or kinkylittlegirl’s account of watching Mollena tell her story, think about what abuse can/does look like within BDSM, and support those that are brave enough to speak out. Silence regarding abuse doesn’t help anyone and this is one spiral I am not willing to be caught in.

Mr. Forget-Me-Not

 Posted by on August 15, 2011
Aug 152011
 

By Amethyst Wonder

This past month, I’ve gotten at least three messages from people who I’ve already talked to/met/gone out with and, for whatever reason, dismissed as potential partners. Actually, they were all dismissed as potential anything (for me).

Now, I’m not talking about harmless, “I hope things are going well,” type messages which I’d still prefer not to get. I’m talking about, “Find any asses to fuck yet?” and “Miss me yet?” Ew.

Don’t do that. Seriously. Don’t be that guy. The others have been less offensive and more annoying.

The first of those messages was from someone I’ve already written about, Mr. Good on Paper.

He’s a nice enough guy, but I have no interest in playing with him. And even though I’ve told him that, he still “checks in” every few months despite my ignoring him. The other message, “Miss me yet?” was from someone I haven’t (yet) written about who I actually went on a few dates with before several offensives showed themselves.

Both of those messages were particularly irritating, because that was the entire message. As though the sender thought that was all I was missing in my life and would leap into their arms (or asses) at the mere suggestion.

If you have gone through the process of meeting and vetting someone, and it doesn’t work out, let it be. No means no. It means stop. A cease and desist order has been given.

I’m obviously not talking about people who say, “let’s keep in touch,” or “maybe some other time.” No, this is about those times when for any reason from lack of chemistry to lack of mutual interests to outright offense, one party states they are not interested in any future interaction with the other party(ies).

I understand how hard it can be to find someone with mutual interests, especially if you have a less common fetish. I know it can be tempting to turn back to that feeder/pegger/boot worshipper/watersports fan you already found. But if that person has already made themselves clear that they are not interested in feeding/pegging/boot-licking/peeing on you, then it’s not an option. Even with a light-hearted flirting approach, even giving a few “harmless” compliments is a no go. Asking them again is a violation of their boundaries.

Assuming you’re actually a decent human being who would never knowingly, willingly violate someone else’s boundaries, let me explain this. (If you’re not, then you probably won’t listen anyway.)

Every time you decide someone else doesn’t really know what they want, that you know what’s better for them, or that your needs are more important than theirs (unless they’ve already yielded that control), you’ve put yourself on a spectrum that makes you at best annoying and at worst a rapist.

Wait, Amethyst, did you say rapist? Yes. Yes, I did. No means no does not just apply to sex.

We get to decide our own boundaries; we don’t get to decide others’ unless they explicitly give us that authority.

Moscow’s First Sex Museum Opens

 Posted by on August 14, 2011
Aug 142011
 

By T.M. Bernard

A caricature of the US president battling Russia’s Vladimir Putin is the main draw at Moscow’s first sex museum, the cleverly named Tochka G (”G Spot”) located in one of the cities famous touristy streets. Controversy surrounding the new museum isn’t limited to the canvas entitled, ‘Wrestling,’ a bold depiction of a naked Barack Obama flexing his one phallus to Putin’s two. This is a region notoriously rife in political corruption and brothels, but sex is still a taboo topic.

“The Russian capital teems with sex, much of its nightlife centering on brothels and strip clubs,” wrote the UK’s Guardian. “But when it comes to public discourse, sex simply does not exist.”

According to the St. Petersburg artist, Vera Donskay-Khilko, Putin’s two members, one red and the other green, overpower Barack’s single tool…shown in yellow if you really must know.

”Putin has two members, as a symbol of hyperpotency, a symbol of the gray cardinal,” the wall text next to the oil on canvas reads. (Someone needs to tell them the cold war is over, but I digress.)

Reports on the museum’s offerings range from the ‘absurd to the historical’ and include soviet-era condoms (‘size 2’ vis-à-vis any of the more suggestive names of US-based brands), paintings of orgies and mermaids with doubles sets of breasts, two-meter high phallus-shaped columns decorated in white swirls in keeping with Russia’s traditional Gzhel ceramics, and old pamphlets on ‘women’s illnesses.’

International pleasures include, “erotic woodcarvings from France, ritual phalluses from Timor-Leste and Cameroon and even three gold-plated ‘phallus talismans’ from 20th-century England.” There are the requisite blow-up dolls from the United States and an erotic sculpture from Argentina as well (depicting the modern-day fascination with school girls in pigtails sucking on lollipops).

Founder and curator Alexander Donskoi insists the museum is about more than sex. At stake are the restrictions on freedom – and some might suggest corruption – placed there by a political system emerging from the ashes of the former Soviet Union with a marriage to the traditional Russian Orthodox Church, an organization that has been gaining more power in the years since Putin entered office.

”It’s a project about freedom,” Donskoi is reported as saying in an interview with The Guardian, UK. ”I think the clampdown on freedom in Russia is also the result of the fact that the nation is steadily moving away from secular government and that Russian Orthodoxy has filled the empty space left by communist ideology.”

Despite or because of the risk that the museum could be shut down (speculations only), or because sex museums by their nature court provocations and controversy, Moscow’s version of the G-Spot is not lacking visitors, reports the Guardian. “The museum continues to grow in popularity,” and those visitors are doing more than gawking. “Many headed straight for the shop which, Donskoi says, is the largest sex shop in Russia.”

After all, how else can her citizens work out their kinks and fears of ‘sexy tax police and prosecutor uniforms’ than by buying themselves some dress-up paraphernalia?

Says Donskoi: “It’s a bit of a fetish, because everyone is scared of them most.”

Rebuilding the Barter System

 Posted by on August 13, 2011
Aug 132011
 

By Shanna Katz

Something I truly love about being a member of smaller communities is that for the most part, we look after our own. When someone needs a ride to an event, people band together to help them out. Here in Denver, we have Leather Magick, a kink specific charity group that local dungeons (public and private) fundraise for. When someone is moving in either of the community, the class is placed to garner help for them. When someone is sick, someone organizes visits from community members, food for family, and more. We frequently take care of our own, which is something I don’t always see in larger communities that tend not to have as many disenfranchised identities.

What I don’t see as much of in these communities (at least, as much as I’d like to see) is the concept of bartering. I firmly believe in bringing back the barter system. As we see our economy continue to ride a rollercoaster, and given that many members of the kink and queer communities are disproportionately broke/straining for money, it’s time to barter.

Now, I’m not saying that I think everyone should quit their job, and that we should live in kinky and queer communes, operating solely off of the barter system. However, it wouldn’t be that difficult to integrate more bartering into our communities. Sometimes, it already exist; many kink and queer events trade free entry in return for volunteer hours, allowing those with lower disposable incomes to still attend events. Let’s bringing that in to the rest of the community. Here are some ideas:

*Barter lessons/information on queer history, queer theory, for homemade goods, for pet sitting, for rainbow gear.

*Barter lessons/information on leather history, Kink 101, play skills (flogging, fire, rope, etc) for service, home made goods, food, massages, etc.

*Barter help with social media, blogging, writing, resume building, flirting, finding a partner, job searching, etc for whatever it is that you need.

*Barter anything for anything.

As you can see, really, anything is barterable. I exchanged help moving furniture to our place with helping someone re-do their resume (both of us are kinky). I exchanged an hour of relationship counseling for a professional photo shoot. I’ve traded home cooked meals for a variety of things. Of course, we do need to be careful around bartering sex and/or play sessions, depending on the laws of your locale and the rules of your play space, but outside of that, barter away.

Why bother bartering? Because it creates community, it supports community and it grows community. You might not have the money to donate to someone hurting in the community, or they might not be willing to take it. However, if they trade you washing and organizing all your rope for fresh food from your garden, you both have supported each other, as well as have inspired the rest of the community. It is a way of giving back while still getting, something that warms the cockles of our hearts in all sorts of various directions.

Now that you’re done reading, take a moment and think; what do you have to barter, and what do you need. Once you’ve got some semblance of an idea, go forth!

STI Comfort Zone

 Posted by on August 10, 2011
Aug 102011
 

By Micah Schneider

A friend messaged me the other day to ask for advice. This friend was in a bit of a bind, and wanted an outside opinion. My friend, who has been poly for a long time, has a partner who has started a relationship with someone new. This new someone disclosed that they were HSV2+, which is the virus that causes genital herpes. My friend wasn’t sure how to handle this news, and asked me for advice.

Non-poly people, and folks new to our world, often ask about how polys handle the reality of sexually transmitted infections (STI); specifically, how to protect yourself and your partners, and how to negotiate acceptable risk.

Let’s take the second part first. Like everything else in a relationship, you have to talk to your partner/s about STIs, preferably before you ever have a problem with them. You don’t want your first conversation with your partner about sexual health to happen because someone brought home the wrong kind of crabs. Flippancy aside, as difficult as this subject can be to talk about, you don’t want to make an extremely tense topic to talk about even more so by waiting until a crisis hits first.

STIs are one of those things that I try to get out on the table with a potential new partner as soon as possible, especially if I want to have a sexual relationship with them. In my case, HPV is in my sexual history. I may or may not be a carrier, and there is no real way to know for sure either way. It behooves me to tell potential sexual partners this, so they can decide what their level of acceptable risk is for themselves. For some people, it won’t matter at all. Maybe they already have it (or had it). Lots of humans fall into that category. Maybe they won’t want to have any kind of sexual contact with me at all. But this person deserves to make an informed decision, right? You’ve got to find each other’s comfort zones, and then honor them.

Here’s the hard part. You have to be OK with rejection. It doesn’t matter if you think their response is reasonable, or illogical, or fair. It doesn’t matter if you think this is your new soulmate, the first person you’ve crushed on in years, or whatever. That person gets to decide what is acceptable for them. I’m not saying you shouldn’t educate them. There’s lots of misinformation out there about STIs, as I found out about HPV. When I was dealing with that, I quickly discovered that most of what I thought I knew was wrong. Be careful not to step over the line into “pushy”, because you don’t want to be That Guy (or Girl), either. But if they say no, you have to accept it. And as much as it sucks to be rejected for any reason, you are far better off getting that out of the way as quickly as possible, before anyone involved gets really invested.

If you are the person on the other side of this, you’ve got to be OK with setting your boundaries. Only you can decide for yourself what risks you are willing to take. After all, this is your body and health we’re talking about here. And that is the advice I gave my friend. It is up to the partner and the partner’s new partner to decide what their acceptable level of risk is, and then up to my friend to make the same decision. And my friend has to be OK with potentially ending a relationship if the risk is too great. No one can or should try to force anyone else to decide how they want.

The first part of the question is easier, for me anyway, since I don’t have to answer it. Getting information about STIs and how to protect yourself has never been easier than in the Digital Age. You can start on this very website. Dr. Brian has an article on Fearless Press about HPV and genital warts. He’s got one about *herpes, too. T.M. Bernard has a recent one about the new strain of gonorrhea that is seemingly immune to antibiotic treatment. I urged my friend, as I would anyone reading this, to get education as much as possible, before you find yourself having to make painful and difficult decisions in the heat of the moment. I’ve been there, and it is not a fun place to be.

The Nice Girls Guide to Talking Dirty

 Posted by on August 9, 2011
Aug 092011
 

By Lucy Lemonade

Any proper Stepford kinkster understands that the brain is the largest erogenous zone. We may dress in prim cardigans or freshly ironed dress shirts, but our filthy words can melt glass. Dirty talk, like any foreign language, can be learned with a little time and concentration. Books can be extremely helpful. This month I introduce a proper lady’s new best friend The Nice Girl’s Guide to Talking Dirty.

Dr. Ruth Neustifter penned this perfect summer read that’s sure to draw the eye of a cabana boy/girl while you’re sunning on the beach. This guide can provide tawdry words to utter over the rim of your daiquiri at noon, or teacup at dinner. Dirty talk is the best kinky activity that can be done in public or private and usually leads to much more physical activities.

Dr. Neustifter leads you through a variety of exercises to draw those nasty words right out of you. This book doesn’t rely on scripts, but engages you to create your personal connection with the words themselves. One of the first steps includes the creation of your own dirty talk style. My style is that of a patient tigress, slowly toying with her prey. Nice Girl’s Guide to Talking Dirty builds self-confidence and acceptance, not repetition of vulgarities. It is not just about talking dirty. It’s about communication and expression of desire as well.

One of my favorite exercises uses language to describe an object. I’m sure you can figure out what harmless thing I’m referencing below:

“The earthy, unmistakable scent draws me near. Rippling waves of mocha, warm in my cupped hands. Steam billows and dances above you, inviting me to purse my lips and blow it aside with cool air. And then it’s a cascade of velvety sweet fluid washing across my tongue. Complex, milky bliss. My caffeine heaven.”

One of my liquid sources of energy sounds awfully sexy. In fact I have just seduced myself into pouring another cup. Dr. Neustifter includes some steamy examples of other couples’ dirty conversations. While this book is geared toward the ladies, men can find it to be an interesting read as well. Nice Girl’s Guide to Talking Dirty has a good mix of couples, keeping away from purely heteronormative terms.

In this era of newfangled technology, examples are also given from texts and emails. As much as I love a rotary phone, using those tiny keys on my cellphone can create some long distance steam, dancing over the airwaves. I believe sexting has become one of the best technology upgrades in the word of seduction.

If learning how to embrace a silver tongue excites you, pop over to your local bookstore to request a copy, or look for The Nice Girl’s Guide to Talking Dirty by Dr. Ruth Neustifter while shopping online. Soon you’ll be wooing them with words!

The Next Level

 Posted by on August 8, 2011
Aug 082011
 

By Sarah Sloane

Everybody has to start somewhere. For most of us, we begin to present classes and workshops because we’re known for a particular skill set or a certain type of knowledge, and we teach what we know. Eventually, though, many of us come to the conclusion that we don’t want to just teach the same thing, over and over – we want to do something different, or expand our offerings, or just break out of the rut of being a “one trick pony”.

What do we do when we want to grow as an educator? Some people consider going back to school, or taking (often pricey) classes to help them get more credentials, but that’s not a possibility for everyone (nor is it even a good idea, depending on how much energy you want to give towards your experience as an educator). There are, however, some amazing things you can do without breaking the bank (or your schedule)! Here are some basic concepts for ongoing growth & improvement that you can use.

1. Read. Read everything you can get your hands on (and find interesting) that relates to sexuality. Read synopsis of things that you think you already know about. Read a review of things that aren’t that interesting. Every new piece of information that you learn has the potential to change how you teach, and to inspire you to teach something new.

2. Learn basic presentation skills, either by taking classes in it or reading books. Passion about your topics of choice will only get you so far; what makes an effective presenter is the ability to communicate information to others in a way that helps them learn & apply it to their own lives.

3. Go to workshops. Seriously. When you keep an open mind, you can always learn something new. At a recent educator’s series that I co-facilitated, a newer presenter taught a brief class on flogging – a topic that I normally get bored with pretty quickly. However, they had a technique that they demonstrated that I had never thought of, and I could immediately see ways to use to improve my ability to use a flogger. Look! An old dog CAN learn a new trick!

4. Be mentored. Ask someone to teach you the basics of a new skill, or the finer points of one that you already have. Work with another presenter to hone your abilities. Have friends edit, make suggestions, and give guidance to you when it comes to writing your bio, your handouts, and your class outlines. Even if you are always the “go-to” person, working with someone else can help expand both your range and your depth of knowledge.

5. Mentor someone else. Teaching one-on-one rather than one-on-many involves a different set of skills, and has more of an exchange of information than a usual classroom setting allows for. Often, people that mentor find that it improves their own skills – both as a technician, and as an educator.

6. Ask for feedback & ideas. I often get more inspiration out of comments, questions, and resources that attendees at my classes offer than I do out of my own reading. The ability to integrate the experiences (and lessons) of other people into our work allows us to offer a far wider perspective than we would otherwise be able to.

7. Stay humble. No matter how fantastic your skill set is, there is always room for a new technique, a new way of looking at things, or a better practice. As soon as we think we know it all, we close ourselves off to new experiences and risk becoming obsolete. And really – nobody wants to be “that person” that knows everything and eschews any other way of thinking.

8. Network with other educators. Nothing helps us plan our next steps like knowing what the options are, and our colleagues (whether non-professional or professional) are the ones who are already thinking about the same things we are. By sharing our experiences and asking each other questions, we can become better at finding our own direction & developing classes that we’re excited about.

BDSM Explained: Let’s Role. (Roles)

 Posted by on August 7, 2011
Aug 072011
 

By Sea

This article is second of a three-series article that explains what BDSM is, and why people enjoy it. It would be helpful to those with or without an interest in BDSM who wish to know more about the terms and origins of interest, and those into BDSM who are looking for ideas for how to explain it to others.

In BDSM one can speak of different roles, which is what I discuss next. I see these terms and roles to suggest a general ballpark, which can then be used to facilitate discussions about understanding or compatibility; I do not see the terms to be absolutes that define limits. Also, there is not universal agreement about how the terms are defined, which makes it important for two people using these terms to calibrate their terminology.

Dominance and submission implies the following roles: submissive, switch, dominant.

A submissive is a person who likes to have the lesser authority status. A dominant is a person who likes to have a greater authority status. A switch is a person who can enjoy either status.

The Kinsey scale describes a continuum between homosexuality at one end and heterosexuality at the other end and per Kinsey, a sexuality researcher from the 1950s, each person falls somewhere on this continuum.

I refer to a series of continuums, which I call KinSea scales!

The first of these continuums describes an interest in BDSM. At one end you have those who will have nothing to do it with it, to those on the other end who must have it constantly, and all spots in between.

Another of these scales describes a continuum between dominance at one end and submission at the other end. Each person falls somewhere on this continuum. I credit Jack Rinella, a well known BDSM author and educator, for adding to my perspective that where one falls on this continuum depends on the other person.

A given dominant or submissive will have subjective default ranges in this continuum on their respective sides of the midpoint, and the other person influences where they fall within this default range. The range in which switches can fall is much broader and spans past the midpoint.

Some switches may have their default range lie closer to dominance and identify as dominant-leaning switches, and vice versa. For some switches, where they fall on this continuum may be a function of sex or gender; they might seek submission with one sex and dominance with the other. Some switches can switch roles with the same person, while some must assume the different roles across different persons.

A sadist is a person who enjoys inflicting physical or mental discomfort, and a masochist is a person who likes to receive the same. While generally sadism and masochism occur alongside their intuitive counterparts in D/s (sadism aligning with dominance, and masochism aligning with submission), it is not always the case. SM may be done simply for sake of the effect the activity (versus the authority role) has on the body. Thus, you might have a person, who identifies as a dominant, seek to be flogged simply to experience the natural chemical flight the release of endorphins and the like creates.

When the focus is on the activity and not on authority, I also use terms Top and Bottom, with Top being the person administering the activity and bottom being the person receiving the activity. Top and bottom are synonymous to sadist and masochist, respectively. However, I associate a greater emphasis on sensation (not necessarily uncomfortable), altered state of mind, and the chemical flight with Top and Bottom, and an added greater emphasis on discomfort when speaking of sadists and masochists.

In s-types—a term used to broadly include submissives, slaves, bottoms, masochists, property—one can speak of yet another continuum. At one end of continuum is bottom where the emphasis is on the activity and there is no authority exchange. As authority exchange enters the picture, one begins to move across the continuum in the submission area. The degree of authority exchange across those who identify as submissives varies. As the degree of authority exchange continues to increase, one moves to the slave portion of the continuum leading up to the property end of the continuum. There is a corresponding continnum for D-types (encompassing tops, sadists, dominants, masters, owners). There is no value judgment attached to any point on this continuum—the significance of these distinctions is for sake of understanding and discussing compatibility.

Okay. So we have discussed the terms. But that still leaves much to be said. Why do people like bondage, dominance and submission, and sadomasochism? What’s all this stuff about?

I answer those questions in my next column. Please watch for BDSM Explained: The Story Paints the Words.

Fat Girls are More Sexually Adventurous and Other Myths

 Posted by on August 6, 2011
Aug 062011
 

By lunaKM

I’m not a new fat person, I’ve been fat since my pre-teens. I’ve been ridiculed and laughed at, shunned and ignored more times than I care to reflect. But as an adult, I have begun to hear some of the most insane things about large women, especially having to do with sex. The interesting fact is that people attracted to fat women and curvy girls themselves are believing these things enough to spout them.

Perhaps you’ve heard of a few yourself in the circles you frequent. Did you discredit every single one? Probably not. You may have even had in opinion about their validity. And yet, none of them are completely true. They are commonly used to explain how a big girl is with a man, or when the couple you see looks so into each other even if the woman is fat.

Let’s just get these out in the open and talk about them one by one. Each one of these is a myth, there’s no doubt about that, and how do they manifest into commonly talked about lore anyway?

Fat girls are desperate and easy.

I have no clue how this myth came to being and as a knee-jerk reaction I’d say an average or thin person started it when they saw how happy a couple of people were where the girl was overweight. In clubs and bars all over the Midwest (so I assume other places as well), the ladies are very possessive of the men there – even if they didn’t come with them. So, to shine a negative light on the over-average ladies that may be around, this phrase gets bantered about.

And you know what? The guys begin to believe it. So what is the result? Atrocious and rude/lewd behavior just to see if they can get some from an “obviously desperate” fat woman. Curvy girls get just as much sex as the next girl and the attention we receive that is positive I’d have to say is right about equal as well. We are just as picky as everyone else when it comes to who we date or have sex with, some of us not wanting to be with anyone that doesn’t have a sincere interest in our body type to begin with.

Fat girls should only date fat guys.

As a teenager in high school all of my friends tried to set me up with boys. The common thread was that the fat boys were the only ones they set me up with – I guess thinking that like should date like. Unfortunately, I didn’t see it that way. I saw it as a way to discriminate against me.

If people were only meant to date others who were like them, then interracial couples would never occur, geeks would date geeks and football players would end up with cheerleaders. If any of you have been to a 10 year high school reunion you will see that’s not always the case.

It’s the same with me. What I find physically attractive has nothing to do with my own body type, hair color or background. It’s chemistry, pure and simple. I’ve dated men of all shapes and sizes and never dismissed them out of hand because they had a body type that didn’t match mine. It’s just insane to think we only desire more of the same.

Fat girls are more adventurous in bed.

I run a rather large group of BBWs on a social networking site and this comment comes up so many times in the span of conversation; especially from BBW lovers and chubby chasers that I have to wonder if there is some truth to it. How could this myth develop into what so many believe to be true?

I don’t think there’s any difference in sexual adventurousness between the average and larger sizes. Sure, larger ladies have flexibility issues, but so do some thinner people. I think perhaps that it came about as a way to encourage large ladies that sex with them is fun and that there are men out there that prefer them. If you place me next to another lady that is exactly the same size I’m sure that we will have different preferences and desires in the bedroom. It’s hard to hear these generalizations when they are just not true.

Ultimately, we have to realize that no matter the size, people are going to be different the world over. Setting stereotypes, encouraging generalizations and overtly being negative is offensive. My beauty doesn’t come from someone else’s beliefs in the sexual conditions of fat people. IT comes from within me and my own confidence. If you feel sexy it will show for the world to see. Don’t buy into the myths you hear and embrace your sexual prowess, whatever that may be!

This Just Burns Me Up!

 Posted by on August 5, 2011
Aug 052011
 

By Richard Wagner

Nothing gets my goat like some know-it-all jerk who decides to muck around with the sensitivities of impressionable young women.

Here’s 22-year-old Elyse. She’s got one of those guys in her life.

I have this bf who decided to get some lube for me so when we have sex, I wouldn’t be as sore, & if we wanted to go for another round, he wouldn’t have to worry about hurting me. Well, we were talking on instant messenger one time about it & he told me all the women before never had problems being lubed & that he never had a situation where he had to use lube (because I had asked him why he didn’t know much about lube or where to get it). Well… he’s had 80+ sex partners before. That really, really scares me. Is there something wrong with me? I mean, it’s not that I’m not wet down there, I am, it’s just that it dries up really fast on the outside when he pulls out, even if I’m still really horny & still want to go for another round of sex. I really don’t understand it. And I’m worried I have some medical condition since I’m the only one he’s needed lube for out of that many women.

Listen Elyse, there’s nothing wrong with you; you’re fine. It’s your BF who’s got the problem; he’s full of shit. This dude is fuckin with your head and I know exactly why he’s doin it too. Shame on him for shifting the blame to you for his inadequacy, ignorance, inexperience and being so misinformed about the fundamentals of female sexuality. What a jerk! Kick this monkey to the curb, why don’t cha’? Find yourself a man that really knows what he’s doing, not some blowhard braggart.

I’m gonna go way out on a limb here and guess that your BF is about your age. Do correct me if I’m wrong. I’d wager my last dollar that he’s bullshitin’ you big time about his sexual prowess. Unless your BF is a part-time porn star, no guy in his early 20’s has had any where near that many female sex contacts. It just doesn’t happen. I can say this with certainty about your man, because if he was mature enough to have wooed 80+ women into sex he would absolutely know how essential lube is to a successful and mutually satisfying fuck. You are right to be suspicious of him. Any doofus who doesn’t know about lube or even where to get some is a rank amateur and he shouldn’t be let near any sweet pussy till he wises up.

Here’s the 411 on natural female lubrication and personal lubes. And you can bank on this information. First, in terms of natural female lubrication, no two women are exactly alike. There are also numerous variables that will impact on the amount of natural lubrication any one woman will produce at any given time in her life. These include age, over all health, diet, stress levels, use of birth control, hydration, estrogen levels, menopause and environmental chemicals, like the stuff in soaps and detergents, just to name a few. Some women produce loads of natural lubrication, others very little. And I might add, this is not unlike precum production in men. Some guys drip like a leaky faucet, for others precum is virtually nonexistent.

You say you get wet down there. Ok, things are working, as they should. Are you producing enough natural lubrication to make for an effortless fuck? I guess not! Particularly if your lovemaking lasts longer than wham-bam-thank-you ma’am! But here’s the thing, even if you had the wettest pussy in town, you’d still want to have a stash of a nice personal lube handy just in case, or to supplement what your body is already producing.

And here’s a tip: don’t ever leave this kind of intimate decision about what you’re gonna use in the recesses of your body to someone who doesn’t even have a pussy. That’s just dumb. I mean would you let a man pick out the feminine hygiene products you use? I think not!

Be proactive, Elyse! If you’re old enough to fuck, you sure as hell are old enough to be familiar with the intimate workings of your own body. If at 22 you still have questions about natural female lubrication in general and/or your own capacity to produce natural lubrication in particular, then you’ve got some remedial boning up to do. No pun intended!

I am of the mind that every sexually active woman (and man) should be well versed in two very important things. First and foremost, you should know all about contraception, and you and your partner(s) should be practicing at least two methods. Better safe than sorry. Second, you should know the fundamentals about lubes and condoms, particularly if you are mixing the two. Some lubes work great with condoms, some lubes don’t. And you ought to know the difference. Don’t expect your male lovers to be more knowledgeable or prepared than you are. Remember, men can rarely think beyond the tip of their stiff dick.

To the question of personal lubricants, there are dozens and dozens to choose from. There are water-based, silicone-based, oil-based, sugar-free, flavored, warming, arousing and desensitizing lubes, just to name a few. Don’t know the difference? Well darlin’, you have your work cut out for you. I hasten to add, this doesn’t need to be a chore. The interwebs is right there at your fingertips. Search for “personal lubricants” and sit back and marvel at the wealth of free information that is available. Just about every online retailer will have loads of information about all the different kinds of lubes they sell.

Here’s another tip: before spending your hard-earned money on a bottle of one kind of lube or another, why not try a sampler pack. Several online retailers offer numerous variety packs for you to choose from. Why not have a lube party where you and your gal pals, or you and your BF sample all the lubes that come in the assortment. This way you’ll not only be educating yourself, but your friends and/or lovers will be learning right along with you.

Good luck

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