Judgment

 Posted by on June 9, 2011
Jun 092011
 

By C.K. Persons

Judgment’s been in the news lately, mostly due to another of Harold Camping’s incorrect predictions of the end times. (He was first wrong on 9/6/94, and then 5/21/11; and he’ll be incorrect again on 10/21/11.) But this article is not about a fringe group’s predictions of a final judgment based on a bizarre, non-contextual reading of Scripture. Judgment is something that we all do most of the time; oftentimes it is necessary and helpful, and other times it is harmful and actually unchristian.

We have to make judgments, hundreds a day, in fact – or we would never survive. We must decide what food to eat and when (Has that chicken salad in the fridge expired?), when best to cross the street, with whom and when to have sexual intercourse, and so on. There is no shortage of times when we need to size up situations and make judgments so that we can continue living, even thriving. This article is not about these necessary judgments, though. Rather, I want to focus on a particular kind of judgment: those that condemn. Unfortunately it is not uncommon for “Christians” to make definitive judgments about the unworthiness of other people based on their sexuality, sexual preferences, and/or sexual practices.

Such judgments are particularly problematic given rampant hypocrisy. Conservative politicians, for example, quote Scripture to denounce gay marriage but have illicit homosexual encounters or other extramarital affairs. Far more common, however, are Christians who tacitly and vocally reject alternative sexual preferences/practices but simultaneously commit serious wrongdoing. It is easy to villanize those who are different, misunderstood, and/or undesired, especially sexual minorities. It is more difficult, of course, to understand and accept the other even if there is disagreement.

The Gospel of John provides a perfect example to ponder. John 8:1-11 describes the scene wherein various faith leaders bring an adulterous woman before Jesus (a crime punishable by stoning in the first century Mediterranean world). Rather than condemn her, Jesus asks the leaders to reflect on their own lives: “Let the one among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her” (John 8:7). No one can, for everyone “misses the mark” (literally, sins) in life, and usually with some frequency. Jesus takes time to understand her and then courageously acts nonviolently among a hostile crowd. While he does not condone her adulterous action, he clearly refuses to condemn her. A vitally important distinction.

I neither equate adultery and kink nor advocate that everyone should express or promote a kinky sexuality. (As I do not suggest that everyone should be Catholic!) But to condemn the kinky for their sexual desires and/or practices is unequivocally unchristian. Each person, according to the person’s own conscience informed by various sources of moral wisdom, no doubt must judge how best to live in this world. But since Jesus rejected condemnation – or trying to eradicate another person for that person’s beliefs and/or actions – it only makes sense that Christians should do likewise. May we.

Are We In It For The Sex?

 Posted by on June 7, 2011
Jun 072011
 

By Mia Martina

“Are you in it for love, sex, or money?” The Emcee asked the bride-to-be on stage. The bride emphatically answered, “Sex!” and rallied the room of 100 ladies in a round of Woo-Hoos, her engagement ring hand raised high, the diamonds competing with the disco ball for glimmering attention. That night, all eight bachelorettes said it was sex that got them to marry. And the shrieking…..it was non-stop, apparently an essential part of the male strip show experience meant for bachelorettes, birthday girls, and those looking for beefy eye-candy on their girl’s night out.

I came to attend the top three New York City male strip shows on an assignment to for the Naughty New York guidebook. I thought the assignment would either leave me turned on by all the testosterone or laughing because male naked bodies are generally used for humor (think Borat). But neither humor, nor horniness, could overpower my gawking curiosity that left me questioning the bachelorette party phenomena.

Technically speaking, New York City has no male strip clubs. Rather, male strip shows take place in Manhattan clubs from 9-11pm on Friday and Saturday nights only. All venues have the same format with an Emcee driven show revolving around audience participation. Two brides at a time are called to the stage for the “hot seat” dance. The hot seat bachelorettes, already marked by a mini-veil, candy necklaces, and penis paraphernalia, get stuffed with cash from their girlfriends in as many places as both are comfortable.

The bachelorette’s so called “time of her life” experience begins when a dancer dressed in one of six Village People costumes works to de-bill the ladies. The most effective way to de-bill women are with bold inversions the likes of which are found in cult classic book, Position of the Day. In one such move, a man lifted a white, strapless dress-wearing bachelorette to sit on his shoulders and straddle his face. While his head burrowed her inner thighs, the Emcee narrated with slurping noises. Then, without warning, the woman was flipped upside down and her cleavage and remaining bills cascaded down. Like other bachelorettes, the woman was uncomfortable and embarrassed—pulling to cover exposed flesh and hiding her face from the camera flash.

Why is embarrassment rather than eroticism at the center of this “last night of freedom” experience? Why is the silliness of making the bride-to-be wear penis jewelry and drink from a penis sippie cup furthered with manhandled awkwardness? Can a woman not be treated to the same titillation as a man frequenting a female strip club?

One venue had the men dance in sets of three before the hot seat showdown, which made the experience more like an Off-Off Broadway review rather than a strip show. Sure the tan and toned bodies were nice to objectify, but the synched choreographed steps and mouthing of the dance count discredited all sexiness. The performance did not engage each individual’s sexuality, but rather a generic packaged version.

The male strip club shows were bawdy in their choreography and trite in their themes pulled from traditional roles for men that women are supposed to find attractive. Aren’t we beyond this? We no longer have to be overly enthusiastic women playing house with Ken who has five breadwinning career choices. We have the same career choices and we have the right to objectify men and get turned on by it. If all the bachelorettes said they were going into their marriage for the sex, then why is sex handled in a juvenile “I’m going to post pictures of you in compromising positions on Facebook” way? Why not treat your bachelorette to night of eroticism and titillation that focuses on arousal rather than embarrassment. Ladies, save the photos for the pre-party and ‘gents, save the cheap costumes for Halloween. Then when we say we’re in it for the sex, we can look like we mean it.

Shrinking Hard Limits

 Posted by on June 6, 2011
Jun 062011
 

By Indigo

The Evolution of a Kinky Relationship

There comes a time in a long term kinky relationship when a couple’s hard limits begin to change. After being with my partner for as long as I have, I’ve started to realize that we’ve tried a lot: impact and sensation play, bondage, humiliation, rope, public sex, group sex and almost every sex toy in our local sex shop. As we continue to dapple in a little bit of everything my hard limits list is becoming smaller and smaller.

Two years ago, Sara and I were new to the BDSM scene, two round brown girls wondering around in what was then Dark Odyssey’s Leather Retreat. Wide eyed and bushy tailed, we were excited by witnessing the mixture of pain and pleasure. Being complete perverts and voyeurs, were more than willing to watch people being pierced or stapled but were not willing to try it ourselves. I was fascinated and dumb founded by the idea of blood play, mostly because it kinda turned me on. I remember the first time I saw needle work done in a dungeon. I admired the love and care that went into each placement of the needle and enjoyed watching the receiver’s ability to process and enjoy pain. I kept thinking that I would never be strong or brave enough to put up with pain enough to enjoy it so I admired those who tried and kept a safe distance, hoping that Sara would never breech the subject of playing with sharp objects.

Little did I know that while I was going through my “not brave enough” phase, Sara was becoming more of a sadist every time she attended a new play event without me. She would come home with a story about something new she tried and pitch the idea to me. She’d tell me about trying out stun guns, experimenting with electrical play, co-topping with a lover in a ravishment scene and the list goes one. On her return from a trip to Kink Fest in Portland, she was suddenly interested in giving and receiving staples. I sat a little weary at all these tales because I knew that Sara was ready to engage in play that we never had before, play that I considered too intense, scary and unfamiliar. Sara reassured me that though these were all things she was acquiring an interest for there was no pressure to try. Even so she asked me to be open minded and willing to explore new hot things in our relationship.

So we talked and talked and talked. The foundation of our relationship has always been our ability to communicate our thoughts, feelings and concerns and this was one of those important times for me to speak up. I started to realize how brave I have been being in my day to day life. I’ve been trying on things and being strong in a ways I never thought I could be. I rekindled the relationship between my mother after being out of communication with her for a year, I’ve been pushing for a permanent position at my job, I’m sending my poetry and non-fiction work for publication and developing amazing service skills earning my leathers by being Sara’s handler during her International Ms Leather Title year. All these achievements were not easy. In fact I experienced being scared and uncomfortable all the time. Those unfamiliar feelings were an indication of progress and growth. I’m proud of who I am becoming as a result of trying new things: a strong, fierce brown woman. My own myth about not being brave enough or strong enough was complete fabrication and the minute I realized that, the more willing and intrigued I was by the idea of staples, blood and intense sensations of pain.

This year at Queer Play Con, I tried staples for the first time. Sara and I enlisted the help of a friend to administer surgical staples from a small hand sized staple gun. Still feeling a little scared, I asked Sara to receive some staples with me. I watched her as each staple poked her skin one by one. She didn’t complain of any serious pain but a light pinch when the staple fully pierced her skin. After I witnessed her staple session, I wasn’t so nervous for my turn, just excited that we were experiencing it together. When my turn came, I took each staple like a champ. It wasn’t so bad after all. The quick sharp pain was followed by a great endorphin rush that made me feel light and loopy (which of course made Sara smile and giggle!). The body is designed to process pain and when I started to understand that fact, I really began to enjoy the session. I took 18 staples on my first time in the shape of a cross, as it was the Saturday of the supposed religious Rapture. I didn’t get raptured (clearly!) but I had certainly floated off somewhere by the end of the night!

For those brave souls out there reading, I encourage you and your partners to try something new particularly if it is something you are curious about. As I talk to more people in the BDSM scene, I’m learning that my friends who are seasoned players also had a lengthy hard limit list when they began their journey’s in this delightful under world. But as they were exposed to more types of play, they discovered they actually enjoyed what they always assumed they would not. You really never know if you like something if you don’t try it. You’ll never be able to experience the possibility of more kinky fun and pleasure if you convince yourself that there is some inherent quality that keeps you from branching out from what is comfortable and familiar. The cool thing about trying something new is you never have to try it again if you don’t want to. And if you do like it, the possibilities are endless.

So stay kinky, brave and try new things ‘cause you never know who you might become.

5 Ways to Feel Sexy on Your Honeymoon

 Posted by on June 4, 2011
Jun 042011
 

By lunaKM

The honeymoon. It is a memorable time for the bride and groom to physically celebrate being newly married. But if you are uncomfortable with your body it could be a nightmare. What can you do to help you relax when it comes time to put on your tiny lace and satin nightie and be with your new spouse? Let me give you a few tips.

By the time you read this article, I’ll be on my own honeymoon. Trust me, there will be a lot of times where I’ll have to be comfortable in my skin because that’s all I’ll be wearing. Whether you have a few extra pounds or are quite overweight (like me) these tips should help you feel a bit sexier during your honeymoon where sex is most likely on the table, the bed, the floor, and everywhere else.

1. Dress to the nines. Wear your sexy lingerie, do your hair and makeup. Get your nails done and moisturize your body before you get naked. Feeling beautiful is a process. Think about how confident you feel when your hair is just right, or makeup looks perfect and you feel feminine. Your skin will be touchably soft and you’ll smell oh so good.

2. Set the mood. Soft lighting is flattering, and when people feel more attractive, it boosts the sexy vibe. It shadows blemishes, creates a healthy glow to otherwise pasty white skin and gives everyone a more sultry appearance. Light the candles and turn the overhead lights off. Turn music on that you both enjoy and relax with champagne. Shut off all phones, computers and the TV. You want to connect with each other, not the world.

3. Take it slow. This first union after saying “I Do” is special and worth savoring every moment. Explore your partner’s body as if it’s the first time you are touching them. Spend a lot of time on foreplay and kissing to really drive your heat and you’ll be begging him to touch you all over in no time. The rest of the honeymoon can be for all the wanton lust but make this one moment memorable.

4. Add a touch of red. Experts say that red is an arousing color and will get people’s blood pumping. It is the color of passion and lust. Use red rose petals on the bed, flowers in a vase, red lipstick, or make your lingerie pick red.

5. Wear heels. There’s something about a little lift that makes you feel sexier. They don’t have to be high heels, just 2 inches will do the trick. It will lift your butt and shape your calves. You’ll walk with a sway, your hips will swish and you’ll begin to feel sexy. You may even be asked to wear them to bed… with nothing else on!

Whatever you do for your honeymoon you can feel sexy and celebrate your new path in life, one you travel together. Keep it hot under the sheets and you’ll find that your discomfort with your body will dissolve in no time. Your honeymoon is all about union and enjoying each other’s bodies and shared joy. Bring sexy with you!

Bootblack Marathon

 Posted by on June 3, 2011
Jun 032011
 

By katie diamond

When I decided I was indeed going to run for International Ms Bootblack, it was for the love of bootblacking. Yes, I had done my research into what a title-year looked like. I had talked to many contestants and a few current International title holders. I spent two years debating, and considering. But when it came time to fill out my application the word “competition” was very far from my mind. I wasn’t running for the competitive desire to win. I was running to better myself, compete against myself, challenge myself as a bootblack.

Unless you’re a bootblack, or you’re close to a bootblack, you may not know this…but bootblacks are a special breed of leather.We like to discuss technique and process; we like to share ideas and supplies; we care for each other in a way that surpasses sexuality and gender. To be a bootblack is to be a part of an international sisterhood/brotherhood. I’m not sure if I’m doing verbal justice to our bootblack community–there aren’t many words to describe how I feel about us.

Feeling the way I do about bootblack community, it’s no surprise that the weekend

of International Ms Leather was more like a weekend intensive than a competition for an international leather title. I had somewhere to be every hour on the hour (I had a color-coded excel spreadsheet schedule!), and when I wasn’t busy, I was working on my tech boots. Or sleeping. Between bootblacking hours, I had meetings and rehearsals and interviews. I drank more coffee that weekend by the hour than I think I have ever in my life, and that’s saying something for a caffeine addict like me.

While I no had preconceptions about how all of the contestants were going to interact, I wasn’t prepared for how absolutely close we were all going to become. When thrown into a pressure cooker situation like a weekend play party, relationships and connections inevitably develop. But there truly is something that happens between contestants at an event like IMsL — I’m finding myself at a lack of words for it again. When you share an experience like running for a title, there is a closeness that happens that can’t really be be quantified.

On Saturday, my first real bout of nerves came on. I was nervous before, during, and

after my bootblack interview, yes, but that was a bizarrely intellectual nervousness. The kind that overwhelms your mind. On stage, behind the curtains, waiting to go on to perform the opening number we had only been rehearsing between the cracks of our schedules, I felt my stomach fall out of my body.

That same feeling returned when we were all on stage again, waiting to hear the results announced. For the bootblacks, the results had been finalized before the evening festivities. The performance of the contest itself is for the International Ms Leather contestants. The lights were so bright, I couldn’t see the audience. I knew from being an attendee for the past four years that it was packed.

I’m gonna be real here: after they announced my name, I don’t recall much else from the

night. I remember shaking a lot. I remember Jayson DaBoi telling me how to look at the back of the room so the cameras could take lots of pictures, and guiding me around the stage. I remember standing on the podium and fearing I might fall off. The adrenaline and outright surprise shook through me, to the core, and I think it knocked out my capacity for brain cells that evening.

So, what’s next? If this was a movie, the final credits would have already run. But there’s always a “next” in real life, and so: what’s next? The upcoming year is going to be filled with travel, leatherfolk, and events. I’m excited to go places I’ve never been (Washington! Texas? Montreal!), and meet people I’ve only heard or read about. I’m honored, beyond honored! ecstatic!, to represent the leatherwomen’s community across the country and beyond. I can’t wait to hear everyone’s histories, and participate in making history myself.

—
kd
. . . .
International Ms Bootblack 2011
facebook.com/imsbb2011
twitter.com/kmegaphoned
www.imsbb2011.blogspot.com

Sex and the Aging Male, Part 2

 Posted by on June 1, 2011
Jun 012011
 

By Richard Wagner

Last time, in Part 1 of this series on sex and the aging male, we discussed andropause from a male perspective. This time, as I promised, we learn about Andropause from a female partner’s perspective

Here’s Gwen, 57, who reports on her husband’s condition.

My husband and I have been married for 33 years. Our relationship is hell when it comes to sex. My husband is overweight, and he’s stressed out about his elderly parents. Sex is non-existent. He never was the instigator in our relationship. And he is the kind of guy who thinks having sex on the couch as opposed to the bedroom is adventuresome. He has become so boring. I don’t believe the man feels sex should be that important at our ages. (I’m 57 and he’s 62) I, on the other hand, am more sexually aroused and creative than ever now that I am more mature and the kids are out of the house. Menopause and all the sex on the internet helps too. ;-) Is there anything I can do to make my man return to being a healthy sexual being once again? Thank you.

No—thank you, Gwen. Your complaint is a familiar one. So familiar, in fact, that I regularly offer therapy groups for couples in long-term relationships, like you and your old man, who have, for one reason or another, hit a wall when it comes to their sex lives. I’m sad to say there’s not much you can do to beef up your sex life if there’s no interest on the part of your husband to do so. I mean, you can lead the horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.

You confide that you husband is overweight and stressed; not a happy combination when it comes to his sexual response cycle, even if we don’t factor in his age. In fact, your husband sounds like a heart attack waiting to happen. Perhaps if you challenged him about his general health—encourage weight loss and stress reduction—you might find that this would also reignite his sex drive. It’s worth a try.

And thank you for mentioning menopause. So many women find the changes that take place in midlife confusing and disorientating. It’s so good to hear from someone eager to explore and enjoy her sexuality post-menopause.

Men also go through changes, in midlife—andropause—the male menopause as it were. It’s clear that as we age, both women and men need more time and stimulation to get aroused. The slower, more sensuous foreplay that often results is a welcome change for most women and even some men. Increased focus on sensuality, intimacy, and communication can help a sexual relationship remain rewarding even well into our most senior years. If your husband is avoiding intercourse, there still many ways of expressing your love and staying connected:

Hugging, cuddling, kissing

Touching, stroking, massage, sensual baths

Mutual Masturbation and oral sex

However, if your husband is more wedded to food and to stress than he is to you, and if he continues to refuse to join you in finding an appropriate outlet for your sexual frustration, then it’s up to you to make this happen on your own. Age 57 is way too soon to say goodbye to your sex life.

May I suggest joining a women’s group. Not a therapy group, but more of a support group or activities group. Getting out of the house, involving yourself with other self-actualized mature women, may uncover the secret solutions other women have put in place to find sexual satisfaction when they are without a partner or have a partner who’s no longer interested in them. I think you will be surprised by how creative your sisters can be. Make it happen, Gwen. Don’t sink to the lowest common denominator of living a sexless life.

Good luck!

Taste the Rainbow

 Posted by on May 28, 2011
May 282011
 

Myths, Dispelled: Dyke Sex for the Heterosexual

By Viola

1. “You just haven’t found the right man yet,” or its best friend “Well, how do you know if you haven’t tried it?”

So, sweet heterosexual stranger, remember that time when you started noticing the opposite sex, and one day you were taken aback by the tingly feeling in your pants? Gentlemen, around that time your female peers started to sprout boobs and wear lipgloss? Ladies, when the studmuffin of an 8th grader grabbed your attention with his swagger and recent growth spurt while you were but a lowly 6th grader with a pocket full of Lipsmackers chapstick? The sweet, sweet years of middle school’s compulsory heterosexuality?

I had that, too, but I didn’t know what it was. Her name was Emma, and I didn’t know that whatever I was feeling was my first big crush. But, see, it kept happening, and when Emma moved back to Australia in the 9th grade, it happened again with Lisa, and then Mir, and then Hillary until I was a freshman in college and realized that all of the ladies in the LGBTQ group had the same feelings. In the meantime, I tried to make myself like boys, but it just didn’t click. It’s not that guys weren’t nice — some of my closest friends are men, and I’m still close with quite a few of my male friends from high school — it’s just that I failed to see the appeal.

Lady Gaga says it best: I was born this way. I know I’m gay because when I was in the 11th grade I realized that every time a song on the radio talked about love/lust/“oh baby baby,” I thought that they lyrics perfectly summed up my feelings for the girl I had a crush on, and they finally made sense. This may or may not have resulted in realizing how horribly dull the Backstreet Boys really were, and a subsequent true and abiding love of Matchbox 20 and Simon & Garfunkel.

But really, I sleep with other female people because that’s what turns me on, and that’s what I want to do. Nothing is going to change that, no matter how “hot” the dude might be, and that is because I don’t think dudes are hot in the “I want to bang them” way. Also, the sex is really good when you’re attracted to someone and they do the right stuff. Chemistry + touching in the right way =

2. “How do you do it … without a…”

With fingers, usually. Sometimes with a strap-on but that can get complicated sometimes, because it has no nerve endings and has lots of gendered connotations attached to it. Sometimes oral, but unsafe sex is frowned upon and dental dams are like making out with a plastic bag, and half the fun of oral is feeling someone’s warm, hot, wet mouth between your legs and that can’t really happen when there’s a layer of latex because it doesn’t transfer heat all that well, and texture is hard to feel.

The “without a penis” part isn’t that complicated because when you’re treating whatever you’re doing like it’s the big thing and the main act, it becomes just that. Fingers aren’t foreplay, fingers are sex, and that’s how it works. Try it sometime, it’s awesome — fingers never get soft, you can always get them up, and you can hit just the right spot (try 2 fingers inside, use lots of lube, push up toward the lower abdomen, and apply pressure without moving in and out fully but in a subtle “come hither” motion).

In terms of both parties getting off, sometimes there’s the taking turns method (I do you, then you do me), there’s the fucking at the same time method (I do you while you do me), the rain check method (I do you, and you’ll do me once you can move again because you came about 50 times and passed out a little, but that’s okay because I’ll spoon you now!), and sometimes there’s no reciprocation (I do you). Some people don’t like to be touched, and that’s okay, too.

3. “I imagine it’s so sweet, two women gently touching each other, feeling each other’s sweet, soft bodies…”

No. Okay, not always. More times than not, there’s furious making out, knocking over that ugly IKEA lamp on your nightstand while trying to take off your t-shirt while still lip-locked, hands everywhere, frantic, intense, heavy breathing, desperate groping, one party biting the other one’s lips while someone squeals, etc. A lot of times this culminates into one party’s “please fuck me, I need your fingers in me” whisper, and some gasping. Sounds familiar, right? Right. Also, there’s usually a minimal amount of “society wants me to be coy and demure” bullshit, because the patriarchy isn’t in bed with you.

4. “Who’s the man?”

Sometimes there isn’t one. Sometimes there is. What do you actually mean by this question –Who’s more assertive? Who wears the pants? Who has the more masculine gender? Who gets fucked? Who does the fucking? Who’s the more dominant person in bed? Throw me a rope because I have no idea what this question means, but I will absolutely answer it if someone specifies.

To be clear, this is a really loaded question. Plenty of lesbian/dyke/queer/bi/heteroflexible people who are female and sleep with other people who are female will give you the “we’re both women, DUH!” line, and that’s a legitimately awesome answer. Plenty of other people will be a little iffy about it because of gender, but also because it seems like the question equates “being a man” with having a certain amount of social, cultural, sexual, and economic power and very little to do with genitalia, or even gender.

The question itself may also have a lot to do with how the relationship is structured. When I picture suburban hetero-ville, I picture husbands mowing lawns, because that’s what husbands do, even though my mother, in all of her kickass feminist glory, mows the lawn with her old-school push mower while my dad cannot figure out hedge clippers to save his life. Without a structure of “husbands do this, and wives do this,” how does it work? It just does. Lessons for life, kids. When stuff needs to get done, you get it done.

5. “It’s just like in porn, right?”

It depends on what you’re watching. For a legitimately good representation of queer sex, check out the Crash Pad Series. It’s hot, ethically produced, and a pretty accurate representation of queer/dyke/lesbian sex. Watch, learn, take notes, note the practical application to real-world situations.

If the “lesbian porn” you’re watching involves two blondes with long fingernails who have to stick their tongues out really, really far to kiss or have oral sex, that’s not what the queer chicks are doing in bed. No wonder you think you might do a better job — but wait, that’s exactly what that type of porn is supposed to make you feel.

There you go, dyke sex in a nutshell.

Drag Kink Identity #1

 Posted by on May 25, 2011
May 252011
 

By Shanna Katz

I was lucky enough to meet up with one of my favorite Drag performers, none other than Mr. Phoenix Pride 2011, Freddy Prinze Charming. Freddy is a nationally known drag king, and as I think that gender identity is incredibly interesting, I wanted to hear from someone who exists in at least two different presentations of gender. As you’ll read below, both Freddy and his real-world alter ego have some interesting thoughts about gender, assumptions, drag, and gender play in the bedroom.

This interview is about your Drag king identity…What are some other identities of yours:

Lesbian, partner, Ginger, top, switch, artist, entertainer, soft butch, genderqueer, step-parent, philanthropist

Define your Drag King identity – what does it mean to you, how long have you had this identity, how was the process of getting there?

I’ve been a professional drag king/male illusionist for almost 6 years, but I’d been dabbling in drag for decades before that. There are dozens of pictures of me from the age of 5 all the way through high school dressed as cowboys and pirates at Halloween, on stage as the Lion in The Wiz or a Jet in West Side Story. I was still pretty femme in appearance during all of this, but I was always more comfortable in masculine clothes. In college I embraced by more butch side, shaved my waist-length hair and started shopping in the men’s department. It took several years of the performing itch to realize I could combine the two and turn it into a way to perform AND do something good in and for the LGBTQ community.

Talk about some of the language surrounding this identity – what terms do you like/dislike?

I dislike the assumptions that surround all drag. That anyone who does drag lives as the gender they represent on the stage. That drag kings just “want to be boys” (which I see as different than being trans). Mind you, there is nothing wrong with being trans. I know a lot of performers who ARE trans. It’s the assumption that bothers me. It means that people don’t really understand the trans community or the LGBTQ community as a whole. Not every feminine man wants to be a woman and not every masculine woman wants to be a man. Depending on the context it can be offensive. There is also the assumption that everyone who does drag identifies as “gay” in one way or another. This also isn’t true. It bothers me that those who identify as trans-men and perform are even less understood, even in the LGBTQ community. Queens will wig out (pun intended) if you refer to them as a “he” when they’re in face. But queens and other hosts will continuously refer to kings in the feminine, even the trans performers, which is just insulting. I do love, however, that when I’m in drag I get called a fag by queens and gay boys. I love that I get referred to in the masculine and am referred to as a boy. It’s just fun. Being a drag king gives me a certain amount of gender neutrality, as now, regardless of whether I’m in drag or out of drag, 90% of the people I know call me Freddy and refer to me in the masculine.

What are some common questions you get about this identity?

How do you answer them and how do they make you feel? One of the biggest questions I, and my partner, hear is “Does she live as a boy?” Depending on who is doing the asking and the motives behind it determines how I feel about it. If it’s someone who is genuinely curious, I’ll educate them. But if it’s someone who’s just being an ass about it, I’ll be less accommodating. To have some jerk at a bar say “It’s a fucking dude!” just proves ignorance and intolerance, and it’s hard to change a mind like that. I also get asked if I bring Freddy out to play in the bedroom. I think the idea of gender play in the bedroom is a closeted fetish/curiosity for a lot of people, so I’m usually happy to answer that one.

What are some of the positives of having this identity?

It brings a whole new dynamic to our relationship in the bedroom. It’s a rush to let Freddy play. At shows, I’ve found I can appeal to anyone of any identity, and it makes the performing that much more interesting. It also provides an outlet for my creative side, and a chance for me to express the more masculine pieces of my identity. It gives me a way to give back to the community, travel and meet people I may not have met otherwise.

What are some of the struggles that have come along with this identity?

Keeping a balance. Freddy is very different from my non-king identity. During rough times, I have a tendency to retreat more into Freddy so as to not have to deal with the reality of “me.” If Freddy gets busy, it becomes a struggle to make sure my home life gets as much attention as my drag life. I do my best not to make my relationship suffer because of drag, because in the end drag is not my priority. I just get caught up with things like costuming at times and other things tend to fall by the wayside.

How does this identity fit or not fit with your other identities?

In general, Freddy fits in well with my other identities. He’s not something that needs to be hidden from the kids or from family members. I tried to make sure that when I created Freddy that he would be someone I would never be ashamed of or would have to censor.

How do you feel this identity is received in the sexuality and/or sex positive communities?
It’s been my experience that it’s very well received. At the fetish events I’ve been to people tend to look at Freddy as a package that has a surprise under the wrappings. People love to know that my partner is the only one who has ever gotten to play with Freddy in the bedroom, and always try to fish for details. Drag, gender play and gender fucking are fetishes in themselves, but people tend to see more of the male-identified cross-dressers, drag queens, sissies, etc so a female-identified person dressed in male drag is more of an anomaly.

What else do you want people to know about this identity?

Drag is a great outlet for gender identity, self-expression and entertainment. It can be fun in and out of the bedroom. Just be wary of any assumptions you may make, even subconsciously. If you are someone that practices the art of gender illusion keep in mind that not everyone understands it, so do your best to educate your partners, your friends and your community so that they might better understand you and where you’re coming from.

Beyond Black

 Posted by on May 24, 2011
May 242011
 

By Lucy Lemonade

The kink community can be rather cliquey. Like any proper clique there must be a uniform of choice. Sometimes when I enter a play party I feel overwhelmed in the sea of black leather, latex and rubber. In an outlet where the imagination can run wild, it seems to have one note. Now I love the way rubber molds to the curve of the butt or latex seems to stretch to the limit across the thigh. But what I really love is that unique outfit that makes me want to know more about an individual. Style that makes me think “I want to play with them!”

The individuals who always stand out to me are the ones who have something unique. I have to admit that when I see someone in street clothes I begin to wonder. Did they not know the dress code, is it their first time, or should I be more interested by their lack of leather? Either way I end up focusing my attention longer than I might if they were in the “proper attire.”

I am just beginning to develop my personal style and decide what I want to convey with my outfit choices when I attend a party. I don’t have the funds to afford custom rubber dresses, or the desire to wear leather and latex. I’ve perused clearance racks and glanced at every stitch of black clothing with no real excitement. So I took the time to consider what I really enjoy in clothing. That is when I was drawn back to my favorite style of clothing, retro housewife. Picture Stepford Wives with white gloves, floral dresses and matching heels. You could call me Stepford Kink.

The more I consider this style of clothing, the more enamored I’ve become with the idea. I can easily find beautiful sites with tons of accessories that could easily transition from day to play. I have visions of posing in a pretty dress holding my favorite cane, poised to create a vicious design on some poor sub’s backside. Or perhaps a bright red spatula to offer an excellent spanking, all the time wearing my prim white gloves. My desire is becoming that perfect lady with such a dark side that it no longer needs the color black to display it.

While Stepford Kink may not be your desire, spend some time exploring yourself. If leather and rubber and dark-as-night is your personality, maybe just take a moment before chastising someone in pastels. It is all about taking the time to express yourself through your wardrobe and giving the first impression that you want to give. Don’t feel boxed in by the black leather and if you adore color, go for a teal dress or bright red pants. You can still portray a powerful role in a pink pinafore. Push the limits of a dress code by incorporating accessories and still make it past the door.

Prioritizing Your Partners

 Posted by on May 22, 2011
May 222011
 

By Micah Schneider

In the last few days, I’ve been thinking about something repeatedly. It isn’t too surprising, as the last few months have been really busy for my family. We welcomed the birth of our first child in early April, and naturally, he takes up a lot of our time and energy. His arrival has caused the four of us to re-examine how we prioritize our lives, and each other.

It really started back in March. We did a talk/presentation/Q&A session about polyamory for a conference on queer sexuality at Hampshire College in Amherst, Massachusetts. We talked about our family, how we came together, how our dynamics work, did a little bit of polyamory 101 and answered questions. Some folks in the audience expressed disbelief. We made it sound too easy. The way we’ve been living lately reminds me of that. It does feel easy, and if I were reading about it on some website, I wouldn’t believe it, either. But it only feels that way because we laid the groundwork years ago. Being poly isn’t easy. We’re constantly checking in with each other, talking about our lives, our goals, our fears, all that relationship stuff. Our family didn’t happen automagically, although someone just meeting us now wouldn’t really know that.

We made a conscious choice to prioritize each other, and that, more than anything else, is the secret to our success as a poly family. Communication is easier if you know that every one of your partners will make the time to talk to you if you need them. Dividing up labor is simpler if you know your partners will do things for you simply because you asked. They might even do it specifically how you want it done if you ask nicely enough, or explain why it matters. Knowing that you are a priority makes it much easier to reciprocate in kind.

Because we made each other our priorities, we’ve found a way to work through every issue that’s come up, large or small. When one of us had an outside partner that wasn’t good for any of us, we fought long and hard over it. But because we knew that our priority was the family, we had the courage to work through some very scary stuff. Being able to remember, in the heat of an argument, that yes, my partner really does make me a priority, even though you may not be able to see it just then, is an enormous comfort.

I was recently reading a thread on Fetlife that touches on this subject. Someone wondered if the “third” in a triad (meaning, the new partner added to an existing couple) is ever really a “primary”, on equal footing with the original two. It’s a common problem in poly relationship dynamics. At the first sign of trouble, the original couple “steps back” to work on their relationship, often leaving the third partner on the outside looking in. To me, this looks like a question of priorities. Each member has to feel like they are on equal footing, that their needs, desires and concerns are equally important, valid and supported. And like most advice for polys, it applies equally to everyone. Can you imagine a dyad surviving very long if the needs and desires of one person in the relationship were always assumed to be more important than that of the other? I’m not talking about a power exchange relationship here, so don’t jump to conclusions. There is a major difference between assumptions and a negotiated relationship. But even in TPEs, what sub or bottom is going to stick around if their needs aren’t being met, too, or they feel that they aren’t important, or don’t matter?

Making your partners a priority is not a magic bullet. If relationships were that easy, an entire segment of the book industry wouldn’t exist, and tons of therapists would be out of work. But if you make your partners, however many you’ve got, feel like they are important, that their needs matter, and that they are your priority, you’ll building your relationship on a strong foundation.

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