G, Where Did it Go? On the Elusive Grafenberg Spot

 Posted by on January 18, 2011
Jan 182011
 

By T.M. Bernard

G, Where Did it Go? On the Elusive Gräfenberg Spot

Last year, researchers alarmed ladies and lovers everywhere when they suggested that the G-spot was just a figment of lusty imaginations. According to the identical twin based study based in the UK (those stodgy Brits!) – the design of which was almost immediately criticized – a whole section of female anatomy had gone missing.

First, the faulty science: The researchers asked 1800 women if they had G-spots, and expected identical twins in the study to answer with greater similarity than non-identical twins: if one twin had it, they reasoned the other would too. However, they did not: sisters sharing 100% of the same genes were no more likely to report similar results compared to non-identical twins who share only half of their genes.

Critics were quick to point out that this doesn’t mean anything when it comes to sexual experience; identical twins’ similarity stops at the genes, and not at quality or quantity of lovers, a subjective measure.

Women who regularly rocked their worlds via G-Spot orgasms were also outraged; once again, science was telling them that pleasure was all in their heads. Or it wasn’t. Or something all together incongruous with their very real sexual experiences.

Never mind the obvious problem with asking people about their subcutaneous anatomy. If you asked 100 women if they had a spleen, transverse colon, or a right lobe on their liver, many would say, “Sure, I think so, but for the life of me I have no idea where it is or what it feels like when touched.”

Subsequently, at least one researcher on the team admitted that their conclusions were drawn a bit too hastily, and that she herself would search for her own, um, answers before dismissing G-normous orgasms everywhere.

Premature Conculation

Arguments over the existence of this erogenous zone aren’t new. Some suggest that the G-spot is an extension of clitoral tissue. And not everyone may have one anyway; about 56% of women, generally younger and more sexually active, stake their claim this vaginal territory.

The point is that although the G-spot may be elusive, its existence shouldn’t be cast in a shadowy light, automatically dismissed. Not everyone is born with wisdom teeth, but they can chew their food quite comfortably, thank you very much.

What and where exactly is the G-spot?

This term is used to describe a small, lima bean shaped area on the upper side of the vaginal wall, about two to three inches in. The texture is different from the surrounding vaginal tissue. It is spongy and courser, and when properly stimulated, can lead to intense orgasms for some women. Not all, however, enjoy this sexual play. As with all things sexual and female, what may work for some lovers some of the time is likely to change.

It has also been suggested that the G-Spot serves an evolutionary purpose: during labor, when a baby is pushing against this part of a woman’s vagina, the stimulation may actually help alleviate pain through a process known as orgasmic birth.

Many women have yet to discover one of nature’s girly gifts. For others, scientific proof is irrelevant since they are already living proof of the G-spots existence. For those who are despondent, vacillating between “G, why bother? My sex life is fine just the way it is,” and wondering how they too can become sexplorators on the G-ticket ride, the following diagram is a useful start towards self-discovery.

For help finding your spleen, I suggest you ask your physician.

Mission

 Posted by on January 15, 2011
Jan 152011
 

By CK Persons

What gets you out of bed in the morning? (Or, what/who keeps you in bed in the morning?) What do you view as your purpose in life? What’s your mission?

Some answers may spring to mind immediately: my alarm clock, the bright sun, or more significantly, my kids, my job (or, passionate love-making with my partner!). Responses are perhaps just that simple and straightforward. But it is not unusual to ponder – and think, talk, pray about – one’s mission, and even to do so for years.

According to Luke’s gospel, Jesus would have clearly been an adult (many scholars say about 30 years old) when he – at least publicly – stated his mission: “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to bring glad tidings to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim liberty to captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to let the oppressed go free, and to proclaim a year acceptable to the Lord” (Luke 4:18-19).

Ok, rather lofty, but in essence his mission was to promote freedom and healing – particularly among those most in need. Such a mission is by no means the only viable one, but it ain’t too shabby. After all, who among us does not need to grow in freedom and need healing from something? We all have attachments – appearance, status, relationships, chemicals, etc. – and there is no shortage of sickness – in mind, body and soul – in our wounded world. Needs for freedom and healing abound.

What does this mission talk of freedom and healing have to do with kinky sexuality? For starters, many kinksters have been (or are) hampered by shame; and shame, which can require deep emotional healing, is a huge obstacle to freedom. To help rid the world of shame is quite a mission itself. Consenting adults should also have the freedom to practice their sexuality in creative ways, most especially when the goal is deeper bonds of love and intimacy between persons. Not surprisingly, profound connections heal us humans at our cores. To promote such sexual freedom is another meaningful life mission. Increasing freedom from shame and allowing for intimate encounters will do nothing but improve our world.

We all have to discern – and live out – our own authentic, personal missions, but finding ways to promote freedom and healing in our lives, in the lives of our partners and others not only shares in the mission of Jesus but also benefits everyone involved as well.

Consent as a Defense: a suggested course of action (for Massachusetts)

 Posted by on January 14, 2011
Jan 142011
 

By Brian Flaherty

Over the past several months I’ve written quite a bit about consent as a defense to BDSM – actually, I’ve written about how consent is NOT a defense to BDSM (there’s a recap buried hereCoffee and…Legal Discussions and the Awareness Conference), I thought I would offer a few suggestions.

First, we cannot simply “repeal the laws against BDSM.” These are the assault and battery laws, which exist for good reason. However, the problem is that these laws:MGL 265 sec. 13A Assault and Battery and MGL 265 sec. 15A Assault and Battery with a Dangerous Weapon, can be used to prosecute consensual sado-masochistic activity – most notably in Commonwealth v.Appleby, 380 Mass. 296 (1980) and again in the more recent Paddlboro affair. It was in Appleby that the court explicitly found that “Regardless whether sexual activity was involved in the incident in question, [one party’s] consent to assault and battery by [another party] by means of a dangerous weapon (a riding crop) cannot absolve [the second party] of the crime charged, punishable under MGL 265 Sec. 15A.” This is about as clear as you get, and it is an expression of the law currently in force in Massachusetts.

Second, if the problem is Abbleby, why can’t we just attack it directly & try to get it overruled? The problem here is the cases can only be overruled by courts of the same level. Appleby was decided by the Supreme Judicial Court of Massachusetts – the highest court in the state. In order for them to hear a case that might overrule Appleby, someone would have to go to trial for consensual assault, lose at the trial court level and appeal to the Massachusetts Appeals court, lose there, and then appeal to the Supreme Judicial Court. The SJC would then have to explicitly overrule Appleby with respect to BDSM conduct. The chances of this happening are infinitesimally small – however if by diabolical hazard it did happen in my lifetime, chances are good that lives of people we know and love would be ruined as they trudged along the very expensive road to “victory.”

The answer, I believe, lies in getting our beloved and perpetually democratic state legislature to pass a law that says that consent is a possible defense to assault. And believe it or not, there actually exists a reputable model for doing this – one that has been adopted by several states already. It comes from the American Law Institute’s Model Penal Code section 2.11 – which specifically deals with consent to assault. That section reads:

§ 2.11. Consent.

(1) In General. The consent of the victim to conduct charged to constitute an offense or to the result thereof is a defense if such consent negatives an element of the offense or precludes the infliction of the harm or evil sought to be prevented by the law defining the offense.

(2) Consent to Bodily Injury. When conduct is charged to constitute an offense because it causes or threatens bodily injury, consent to such conduct or to the infliction of such injury is a defense if:

(a) the bodily injury consented to or threatened by the conduct consented to is not serious; or

(b) the conduct and the injury are reasonably foreseeable hazards of joint participation in a lawful athletic contest or competitive sport or other concerted activity not forbidden by law; or

(c) the consent establishes a justification for the conduct under Article 3 of the Code.

(3) Ineffective Consent. Unless otherwise provided by the Code or by the law defining the offense, assent does not constitute consent if:

(a) it is given by a person who is legally incompetent to authorize the conduct charged to constitute the offense; or

(b) it is given by a person who by reason of youth, mental disease or defect or intoxication is manifestly unable or known by the actor to be unable to make a reasonable judgment as to the nature or harmfulness of the conduct charged to constitute the offense; or

(c) it is given by a person whose improvident consent is sought to be prevented by the law defining the offense; or

(d) it is induced by force, duress or deception of a kind sought to be prevented by the law defining the offense.

So where does BDSM fall? I’m thinking either (2)(a) the bodily injury consented to or threatened by the conduct consented to is not serious, or (2)(b)the conduct and injury are reasonably foreseeable…etc.etc.

This is not an airtight solution – so much hinges on the definitions of “serious bodily injury “ (which is defined in the Massachusetts statues as “bodily injury which results in a permanent disfigurement, protracted loss or impairment of a bodily function, limb or organ, or substantial risk of death.” MGL 265 sec. 13k) and of “concerted activity not forbidden by law.” Not an airtight solution, but it does give a defense attorney a much better starting point than, say, Appleby & a prayer.

So what do we do next? Well, for those who remember Schoolhouse Rock, we need a bill. We can write a proposal for this law in the form of a bill and petition the legislature. However, in order to have the bill actually brought to the floor, we need to find a state legislator to sponsor it. I’m happy to do the writing – as far as I can tell, the American Law Institute has already done the lion’s share of the work. Anyone want to help turn it into a petition, gather signatures, and find a legislator to sponsor it?

Changing Dynamics

 Posted by on January 13, 2011
Jan 132011
 

By Sarah Sloane

Dear Sarah,

My partner (who I have been with for years) is coming to terms with the fact that he’s no longer feeling submissive – but now feels very dominant. As a dominant woman who has no desire to switch, I’m really confused. I love him, of course, but I feel really angry and really sad. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do – am I supposed to now share a submissive with him, or train him, or what? Do we break up? We’ve had four years of a wonderful D/s relationship, but I have no idea now what will happen.

-The Other Half

Dear Other Half,

Changes in relationships can be really scary. In our society, we are often led to believe that if it’s the “right” relationship, it’ll all end up with us riding off into the sunset or being happy together ever after. The reality is that a relationship made up of healthy, dynamic individuals is bound to change, because change is a part of being a thriving, mature person. Sounds great, and easy, and of course we should be totally supportive of our lovers, thinking only of their well being, right?

Wrong. Change affects everyone involved; we have connections to those we love that are going to tug or relax, thin or thicken, as we (and they) develop. His change – his decision to explore being the dominant person in relationships – is going to affect you in more than just shaking up your dynamic. And there is amazing potential for positive change, as well! His growing understanding of his identity may bring about more amazing aspects of his personality, as he finds different skill sets and talents that he may never have explored. That, alone, may strengthen the relationship that you have – if you’re open to the change.

It sounds like, if he’s talking with you about coming to terms with his dominant feelings, he’s open to more conversation. I suggest strongly that you take advantage of that; talking through the changes and looking for common ground as you move forward may help you both to better co-create the next phase of your relationship. There are a few things you might want to bring up as conversation starters: what will your own rules & protocols be with each other, what will your rules and protocols be as a couple with your social circle, and what will you need to ensure as far as potential play / D/s experiences with other people. You may both decide that you will seek out & work with submissives as a pair; many people who are in multiple-dominant relationships opt to share ownership or direction of submissives. You may also decide that you’d prefer to have separate D/s relationships with different people (especially if you dislike the idea of sharing, or are not attracted to the same gender expressions).

It may take a while to sort things out. In the meantime, remember to be gentle and compassionate with each other – you are both going through a big change, which can bring a lot of stress both internally and externally. Focus on your care and love for each other. And of course, don’t be afraid to re-evaluate the content of your relationship. I’ve been in power exchange relationships in the past that evolved into a much different – and yet quite satisfying – relationship as we all changed. Sometimes, when we hold on to one thing too hard, and don’t allow for it to transform, we smother the relationship and lose the joy and love that we have with each other.

I wish you much luck and love, and trust that by being honest with each other about your needs, wants, and limits, you will be able to find a solid foundation for the next stage of your relationship.

Introduction to Hedonism

 Posted by on January 12, 2011
Jan 122011
 

By Julian Wolf

What is a Hedonist? The Oxford Dictionary defines a hedonist as “person who believes that the pursuit of pleasure is the most important thing in life; a pleasure-seeker.” Most everyone dabbles in hedonism from time to time- everything from fine dining to a wearing a comfortable pair of shoes can be considered an act of hedonism.

Oxford University Press defines a Dandy as “one who studies above everything to dress elegantly and fashionably; a beau, fop, ‘exquisite‘. c1780.” Max Beerbohm, an English writer and caricaturist wrote “Dandyism is the result of an artistic temperament working upon a fine body within the wide limits of fashion.” Dandyism isn’t just about the clothes however. An enjoyment of refined language, an aristocratic sensibility and frequently strong political action is all part of being a dandy.

Greetings and Salutations. I’m Julian Wolf and I am, among other things a hedonistic dandy. I’ve identified as a gentleman since I was a young child, idealizing my father and wanting to be every bit as gallant and chivalrous as he. He started taking me with him to pick out the accessories for his suits by the time I was in elementary school. I saw girls as a beautiful mystery and spent much of my time playing adventure games with the boys. I started taking the time to enjoy the little things at an early age as well, encouraging my somewhat bemused family to do everything from feeling material to sampling a variety of foods. Frequently, my clan was not interested in the texture of the table cloth or whatever culinary creation I produced, but I wasn’t discouraged from the path of simple pleasures.

In this column, I’ll be sharing experiences and delights of living as an intentional hedonist, including recipes and propositions for my readers. I’ll also be sharing my experiences living as a dandy- and the challenges and rewards of being a female who identifies as such. Each month I hope you will take a few moments to focus on the gentile, and see what things life has to offer that you might be missing.

So, dear readers, let’s start this off in a style which I have become accustomed. Let me offer you my first proposition: I propose that you allow the next sip of liquid that you let pass through your lips not simply make its way quickly over your tongue to slide down your throat, but that you let it meander over your taste buds. Take a moment to close your eyes and experience the sensation of that liquid in the pleasure center we call a mouth. Feel its temperature, and feel it alter the temperature of everything it comes in contact with. Inhale through your nose before you finally swallow, and don’t open your eyes until you have take the time to actually experience what has just occurred. Such a delightfully simple act can quench more than just our sense of thirst.

I look forward to spending time with you each month. Please, feel free to ask questions, comment or correspond via the field below.

Enjoy yourself.

Nobody Special

 Posted by on January 8, 2011
Jan 082011
 

By Mako Allen

I’ve got some bad news for you: you’re not special. There’s good news though too. Neither is anybody else. We are all one in the Tao. This is a very tough lesson for kinky people, because it’s a very tough lesson for anybody. It’s an important lesson too, because if you don’t understand it, you deprive yourself of a phenomenal power. Lao-tzu had some very blunt advice about how to avoid this trap: shut up.

The Tao doesn’t take sides;

it gives birth to both good and evil.

The Master doesn’t take sides;

she welcomes both saints and sinners.

The Tao is like a bellows:

it is empty yet infinitely capable.

The more you use it, the more it produces;

the more you talk of it, the less you understand.

Hold on to the center.

Kinky people sure do love our binary identities. We categorize people as tops or bottoms, being “lifestyle” or “bedroom” players, edge players or mainstream, Old Guard or modern, SSC or RACK, even kinky or vanilla.

The problem with these sorts of categorizations is that they’re filled with judgment. This judgment can range from incredulity at something someone does, to outright intolerance. You might hear “Spanking is just fine, but making someone bleed is crazy!” or maybe “Nonsexual spankers are just a bunch of repressed people.”

That sort of intolerance is really ugly. It’s also often based on prejudices, uninformed opinions, and downright fear. But those are the least of why you should avoid it. Intolerant statements are both a sign of and a precursor to one-dimensional thinking. It’s exactly that sort of thinking that disconnects one from the Tao.

Let’s use spanking as an example. Ever since I hit puberty, spanking has been a sexually charged subject for me. Just hearing someone say the word was enough to make me hard. I used to scoff at the idea that, in a kink context, a spanking could be non-sexual, or that any attempt to spank someone non-sexually was legitimate.

But I was wrong. Over the years I’ve met loads of non-sexual spankers, and participated in that sort of play with them. I’ve both spanked and been spanked in sexual and non-sexual contexts. In fact, I’ve even experienced them as a mix, where the person I was spanking wasn’t turned on by it, but I was. When I let go of my judgments about non-sexual spanking I became fully able to experience it for myself.

I had this one particular friend of mine recently ask me for a spanking, just because she had a lot of emotional stress and tension brewing, and needed one. I took down her pants, and put her over my knee, and began spanking away.

I was all ready to be turned on, but that turned out to be a very mild part of the experience. Instead, I felt a warm bond of connection and comfort between us. When it was over, I hugged her, and patted her bottom, and felt close to her.

Just days ago, I was up late and having trouble sleeping, and I asked my wife to spank me, because I felt like I needed one, so I could get to sleep. She gave me a very firm, but almost chaste spanking over my underpants, and afterward I drifted off to sleep on a sore, warm bottom.

I fully experienced these things because I wasn’t caught up in judging them as good or bad. Instead of being filled with judgments, I was empty, able to breathe in all of those experiences.

Lao-tzu’s image of the bellows is just right for expressing this connection to Tao’s power. A bellows starts out empty, and then fills with the air around it. When you stretch it full, and then press it over a small fire, it ignites it. From nothingness comes vast energy.

Embracing nothingness is how we fill our own bellows, mentally speaking.

Damning others for their differences from us is the very opposite of embracing nothingness. When we damn some other group or person for having an odd fetish, being religious, having different political views, or even being vanilla we’re just stuffing ourselves with mental chaff.

Don’t mistake me; I’m not saying that we shouldn’t have religious, political, or sexual views of our own. But getting stuck inside them we lose perspective.

“This is how that person should be!” we think, and we lose sight of who they actually are. There may be more to them than we’re ready to see.

Conversely, instead of worrying about how they should be, we might learn from them by avoiding their mistakes.

This same sort of intolerance applies to how you think of yourself. If you think you’re never going to be cool enough to top someone, you’re right. Why not shut the hell up and give yourself a chance to become the dominant you’ve always wanted to be?

It’s not just negativity that’s an issue either. When we congratulate ourselves for being special, or put someone up on a pedestal for some one thing, we’re shortchanging ourselves. We’ve stopped living the reality around us, and have placed ourselves apart from the world that actually is.

Words, ultimately, are meaningless. They actually get in the way of experience. You can talk about spanking until you’re blue in the face, but you don’t actually know how it feels to spank someone, or be spanked by someone, until you do it.

I remember when I was first getting started in the kink community. I’d hear about or see some fetish activity that looked so scary, and think I could never be interested in it, or that it was beyond my capabilities, tolerances, or tastes. Without fail, a short time later, I was usually doing that activity on a regular basis. That sort of growth is power.

Lao-tzu said this famously, “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.”

The Fairy Sex Toy Mother

 Posted by on January 7, 2011
Jan 072011
 

By Shanna Katz

I’ve been working in the adult industry for five years now. I almost can’t believe it. From working in marketing and sex advice column writing for woman run porn site HotMoviesForHer.com to marketing and community outreach for one of the largest online-only toy sites, to my current job of being the Resident Sexuality Educator and Online Media Specialist for sex positive toy store company Fascinations, I’ve spend half of the last decade working in porn, sex toys and more.

How do you come out to someone as a professional pervert? It’s not always easy. I’m privileged enough that most of my family (and my partner’s family) knows what I do…but my grandfather still thinks my degree is in counseling and that I’m a therapist. Now, that’s not far off, as my Master’s in Human Sexuality included some clinical classes, and I do offer relationship counseling and sex coaching, but it is hard not being to share every part of my life with my family. And how about when my partner’s family started adding me on social media? Talk about a long sit down trying to figure out what I was ok with writing about/posting. Many of my links are not safe for traditional work, and most are 18+ only. And when I’m on a long plane ride? It’s roulette trying to decide whether it is “safe” to tell someone what it is I do – I’ve been lectured by one person, and have many people try to turn me into their personal therapist for the rest of the flight.

I am lucky. There are literally less than a dozen people with my position in this country. How many people are full-time, salaried (with benefits) sex educators specializing in adult education/sexual pleasure? Not many. I love my job. I love sitting at my desk, in a cubicle (bet you didn’t see that coming), sorting through piles of toys and gift cards for giveaways. I love reaching out to sex educators around the country, bringing them on board to write educational articles and to put on free, open source classes for our customers. I love checking out new toys before they hit the market, educating our associates about what sex positive means and how we can be as inclusive and accepting of sexual diversity as possible, and I love presenting sexuality workshops to people face to face. Every day, I get to go to bed knowing that SOMETHING I did today helped SOMEONE else to embrace their sexuality a little bit more.

But all of this luck doesn’t make it easier to tell the car loan people my “official job title” when I’m applying for a loan. It has yet to prevent mini-arguments between myself and my partner about how much is too much to post on my blog, my facebook, or my twitter. And worst of all, this job that I love so much, that I work my heart out for? This job makes me a black sheep in the professional community. Because I haven’t chosen to go into adolescent education, pregnancy/STI prevention, professional couples therapy, etc, I spend my time on listserves and at conferences trying to explain exactly what it is I do, convince people that not all porn is misogynistic and evil, explain why sex toys can improve a relationship, remind people that ALL people need sexuality education, etc. I’ve been told before that I’m wasting my degree, that I’m embarrassing people in this field (the sex ed field, not the adult industry), and I’ve been asked when I’m going to get a real job.

Despite the difficulties in friends, family and peers, I love what I do. This IS my real job. There’s just something about hearing a woman tell you that she had her first orgasm after attending your class, or seeing a happy couple re-visit a store after their first purchase was a success, or seeing a parent and their adult child attending a workshop together, learning about the spectrum of sexuality together. Every day, I get to be the fairy sex-toy mother, giving out prizes and items for review, answering advice questions that might never be asked of anyone else, and helping people revolutionize their love life. How could I ask for anything more?

Heteronormative

 Posted by on January 6, 2011
Jan 062011
 

By Amethyst Wonder

In the past few weeks, I’ve heard the term “heteronormative” used in at least five different ways. Some people were offended by the thing the term described; some were offended by the term itself. It made me think. So, I did what I do when I can’t stop thinking about something. I decided to write about it.

What it is

Usually, when trying to articulate my concept of something, I start by looking to others’ ideas, sort of as guideposts. I looked up the term “heteronormative” in several sources and noted many of my friends’ comments on the subject.

Probably the most concise definition I found that aligned with my instincts was from WiseGeek.com: The term “heteronormative” is used to describe a culture or belief system which assumes that heterosexuality is the norm.

I, of course, also visited UrbanDictionary.com, which I value because it consists of multiple user entries instead of a single “official” definition. The site offered three suggestions. The first caught my attention: A viewpoint that expresses heterosexuality as a given instead of being one of many possibilities.

Nailing down my personal definition was the next step. I decided that heteronormativity, to me, is the assumption that heterosexuality is either the sole correct orientation (and anything else is deviant, inferior, or simply wrong) or that it is the only existing possibility in a particular context. I stressed for myself that the term applies to the assumption itself, not necessarily the person, institution, or behavior reflecting the assumption.

What it isn’t

Heteronormative does not equal heterosexual.

Criticizing heteronormativity is not straight-bashing.

I encountered some usage of the term that seemed to equate heteronormativity with heterosexuality,

as in, “I’m heteronormative and I keep getting flack for it.” This didn’t make sense to me until I realized that most of the people using the term in this manner were literally using heteronormative(ity) and heterosexual(ity) interchangeably. I don’t believe this is accurate.

I’ll write about straight-bashing another time. I’m not saying it doesn’t exist, only that being critical of someone or something for being heteronormative is not an example of it.

What’s the problem?

The problem is not the hetero-, but the -normative. Anything-normativity is dangerous because it’s easy to slide from defining something as normal to defining normal as that thing. Is heterosexuality normal? Of course. But care must be taken not to make everything else, by extension, abnormal. This is what happens much too often and is being criticized. But it’s not always made clear that it’s that extra step that is the offense.

What do we do about it?

Other than being aware of it, I’m honestly not sure. I’m obviously a big fan of talking about these things and of defining your terms. I believe it’s the first step to re-programming ourselves to realize when someone or something is marginalizing a person and their life or experience. But I don’t know what comes after that.

Make Up Your Mind!

 Posted by on January 4, 2011
Jan 042011
 
catholic_moral_theology

This column concludes my series on Roman Catholic moral (sexual) theology. But before I move on to other topics I’d like to leave you with some tips on how you might make up your own mind when grappling with difficult moral issues.

In Part 1 of this series, A Key To Understanding Catholic Moral Theology, I talked about the cornerstone of all Catholic, and indeed all Christian, teaching — the principle of the primacy of one’s conscience. That is, you must follow the sure judgment of your conscience even when, through no fault of your own, it might be mistaken.

Tip 1 — When faced with a moral dilemma, start with some soul-searching. Your conscience is, in fact, your primary connection with your God. No law, dictum or dogma can take precedence over your conscience. I contend that we don’t need theologians to tell us what is right and wrong or what is just and unjust. We simply need to tap into that simple formula called the golden rule. Deal with others, as you would like others to deal with you. That pretty much covers everything.

As we’ve seen in this series, much of Catholic moral theology is shame based. Shaming is a very effective means of regulating an individual’s behavior so that it conforms to the mores of the group. But capitulating to shame is never the same thing as acting morally. In fact, in many situations the moral thing to do is to stand against the prevailing opinions of the group.

Tip 2 — Try to unravel the system that instills the shame. If you go back to the source of the shaming you will, most likely, discover the reason why the shaming continues. I gave you a good example of this in Part 1 of this series. “To get a handle on Catholic moral theology one must first grasp the depth and breath of it’s institutionalized misogyny.“ Once you uncover the root of the shame you can demythologize it. This will free you up to form your moral decisions less encumbered with dubious communal mores.

Guilt-based theology is dependent on demonizing people or behaviors. When people blindly accept what they are told, they perpetuate the communal mores even if they are unjust or intolerant. Sometimes this becomes so extreme that whole groups of people are vilified often using only stereotypes as evidence of their wrongdoing.

As I pointed out in Part 2 of this series, Sins Of The Flesh, it all begins with language. That’s “wrong”, “dirty”, “bad”, “disordered”, “unnatural” or “intrinsically evil”. In short order this incendiary language becomes a rallying cry that inevitably sets in motion active persecution. Moral maturity, on the other hand, demands that each of us take responsibility for our judgments and prejudices. If nothing more, this process of owning our biases slows down our rush to judgment.

Tip 3 — When faced with a shaming statement, like “that’s wrong”, it’s incumbent upon us ask why it’s wrong and who is making that judgment call. Because if something is “wrong” that means there must be a “right” way. But who gets to determine that, and what are the criteria for making that judgment?

“That’s dirty, disordered, unnatural or intrinsically evil!” Are some body parts or some sexual behaviors more wholesome, more in keeping with the natural order, than others? Again, whose prejudices are at work here?

I suggest that theologians aren’t competent to offer the definitive interpretation of the natural world, but even if they were, we still should ask. How much of your “natural/unnatural” worldview is culturally induced and dependent? Remember, it was once anathema to suggest that the world is round and not the center of the universe.

Finally, Catholicism is not a club. Despite what the hardliners say, lock-step adherence to every facet of church dogma is not what determines ecclesial fellowship. Baptism is! Catholic Christianity is a faith community. That means it’s a living, breathing, malleable thing. Just as I pointed out in Part 4 of this series, Seismic Shift, even the Pope must, from time to time, bow to the currents of culture, history and science.

Tip 4 — Questioning systemic injustice or intolerance in the Church is the right, nay the responsibility, of every believer. And if you find yourself at odds with Church authorities on moral issues, know you are not alone. Catholic women and men of conscience have always been a voice of dissent within the church. Their loyal opposition is precisely what helps keep the hierarchy honest.

Of course the flip side of taking a conscientious stand against the institution can often result in ostracism, persecution and shunning as I pointed out in Part 3 of this series, Sacred Cows. But then again, no one ever said embracing gospel values was gonna be easy.

Fat Can Be Sexy

 Posted by on January 3, 2011
Jan 032011
 

By lunaKM

Hi, I’m luna and I’m fat. Not just fat, but obese, or in medical terms I’m morbidly obese. I’m comfortable being fat. It’s who I am and how I see the world. I like that I’m soft and curvy. My embracing being fat has become a enlightening experience. It’s the most free I’ve ever felt. I’m not chained to society’s beliefs about my size anymore. I’m sexy and desirable and enjoy showing that off. I use the word fat not as a chain around my neck but as an identifier. Others can certainly use chubby, bbw, rubenesque, plump or any other label. I’m comfortable with fat.

I’ve been overweight since I was 10, before the nightly news made it a popular headline; I was the image of childhood obesity. It doesn’t matter why or how I became overweight, I stayed that way throughout school and am now a size 30 at age 33. You’ve probably seen my body type in those famous headless images that grace news stories talking about the growing epidemic or some study to do with growing concerns of illnesses ‘related’ to obesity.

But I’m also the woman you’ll see working out next to you at the gym, eating healthy food and picking vegetables over fried food. My glucose, cholesterol and blood pressure are all normal. My Doctor has even said that I’m just one of the obese who are healthy and fat and there is no research to explain why. Yeah, that’s right. I’m a medical oddity. I’m healthy fat. What the heck?!

It’s hard to be seen as healthy when you carry more than a little extra weight. I have to work harder to appear attractive and then that’s not even a guarantee that I’ll be viewed as anything more than a fat person playing dress up. And why would we want to make ourselves look attractive? Because, I’m a sexual being too. As a sexual being I want to attract positive attention.

Being fat has something of a stigma and a taboo where sex and attraction are concerned. How many people really think being fat has anything to do with our sexual desire, and the attraction we have to other people? I have a very healthy sex life, thank you very much. I’m not desperate for attention and won’t have sex with anyone who asks. These are stereotypes that society wants you to believe about being fat because being fat is evil and should be avoided at all costs. Oh really?

Entering adulthood as a fat person was a wake up call. I had this belief that all the cruel names and rude looks that I got growing up would go away with the maturity of age. I was wrong. In fact, I’ve encountered even more now that I’m sexually active. For example, when an average woman talks about sex, men are falling all over themselves to be closer to her. When a fat woman talks about sex I get a repulsed, “I can’t believe you even think you’ll get laid” look and a wide berth.

I can be the life of the party and I too, can have men craving my attention. I’m sexually open and have a large sexual repertoire. I’m sexy, kinky, willing to try what other women may not because it’s ‘dirty’ and am not afraid to show it. Just ask my fiance.

I’m hoping, through my voice and this column, to share my personal stories of being fat, talk about how to be sexy, dress sexy, being comfortable in your skin, how to embrace and enjoy fat sex, and probably dispel a myth or two.

Let’s make fat sexy again.

 Older Entries  Newer Entries