What’s Your Personal Style?

 Posted by on September 16, 2013
Sep 162013
 

two-sides-of-getting-ready-in-the-morning-2There are entire industries built around creating the right “style.” Interior designers craft inside spaces, exteriors can be landscaped, xeriscaped, gardened and beautified. You can go to a trichologist, a barber, or a hairdresser to have the top of your head done up a plethora of ways. Personal shoppers, stylists and coaches can help you buy the accessories to portray what you want, and many of us will spend hours picking the right pieces to go in our wardrobes. Is your look at work different than your weekend look? What do you wear to a formal event? Do you have a “look that you’re going for?” How do you go about getting it?

For many of us, how we portray ourselves- our style- is a cognitive decision. We darn our garb, do our hair, use whatever cosmetics we might use and go out into the world. Whether or not it is a cogitative decision, we do give impressions based on our personal styles. How we adorn ourselves gives most everyone an idea of who we are, and frequently how they will treat us, for better or for worse. When I was working my last vanilla office job, I went out of my way to temper my personal style. I crafted my wardrobe to downplay my features with a focus on comfort and blending in. While I certainly didn’t lie about who I am, I made the decision not to go out of my way to display my individuality in that professional academic setting. Choosing a significantly more conservative style assisted me in my goal to focus on work and not cause ripples where I just wanted still water. At the same time, I was starting more work as writer, producer and performer. For months, a picture of my face ran in an ad for my alternative advice column in a local weekly newspaper. Even though I live in a fairly small community, I was amused and pleased by the fact that I was never recognized as the person in the pictures, or as the administrator from the office, even though there was cross over on both ends. I saw the duality of style, at the time, as a necessary evil.

Is your style in your own hands? If so, are you projecting what you’re hoping to? AliceSin Aerie recently wrote an article here at Fearless Presson dressing appropriately for play parties. The message extends beyond just parties though- we all seem to understand that dressing well for interviews is the thing to do, but perhaps neglect our style in other areas. When is the last time you considered what shirt you were going to wear to dinner? Do you wear your hair (and/or makeup) the same way every day? There’s certainly nothing wrong with sticking to one style as long as it’s a cognitive choice.

My proposal to you gentle readers, is to try something new with your style this week. Make a cognitive choice that is a bit out of your comfort zone. It can be something simple- try doing your shopping in something other than your work or casual clothes, wear a bit more color, try something new with your hair, wear something different (be it something or nothing) to bed- a simple but potentially profound change. See how that change makes you feel. Making cognitive choices about how we chose to represent ourselves to the world can change how we see the world.

Enjoy yourself.

Originally posted April 22, 2011

SUBMIT TO CINEKINK! – Call for Entries – CineKink 2014 / Eleventh Edition

 Posted by on September 14, 2013
Sep 142013
 

sony-dsc-6CineKink –“the kinky film festival”–is seeking films and videos, of any length and genre, that explore and celebrate a wide diversity of sexuality. Dedicated to the recognition and encouragement of sex-positive and kink-friendly depictions in film and television, we’re looking to blur some boundaries and will be considering offerings drawn from both Hollywood and beyond, with works ranging from documentary to drama, camp comedy to artsy experimental, mildly spicy to quite explicit–and everything in between.

Cutting across orientations, topics covered at CineKink have included–but are by no means limited to–BDSM, leather and fetish, swinging, non-monogamy and polyamory, roleplay and gender bending, sex work and sex geekery. Basically, as long as it involves consenting adults, just about anything celebrating sex as a right of self expression is fair game. (Far be it from us to define “kink” – if you think your work might make sense in this context, please send it along!)

Scheduled for its 11th annual appearance in February 2014, the specially-curated CineKink NYC will also feature a short film competition, audience choice awards, a special adult entertainment showcase/contest, a gala kick-off event and a sexy closing-night party. A national tour will follow, showcasing favorites from the NYC festival selections.

Discounted, early-bird entries have a post-marked deadline of October 11th, while the regular deadline is November 15th and the final deadline is December 6th.

For more information, please visit http://cinekink.com/programs-and-events/call-for-entries.

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DD/lg in Public

 Posted by on September 12, 2013
Sep 122013
 

istock_000019514030xsmall-7000238Daddy Dom/little girl in the Public Sphere, by Daddy Vinnie

You’ve found the Little of your dreams – adorable, fun, bratty, silly, vulnerable, sweet, and most of all, she worships you as much as you worship her.  You’re on top of the world, looking down on creation…and cheesy pop songs are overflowing from your heart.

Now what? It’s time to head into the outer world. Unplug that computer, get out from behind your Skype screen, leave the bedroom, and see the fresh light of day, the bright lights of the city at night.

DD/lg relationships come in all shapes and sizes. More properly, Caregiver/little relationships can be any conceivable combination of sexual orientation, power dynamics, and ages.  In my own DD/lg relationship, we have an almost 23 year age gap relationship, where my Little calls me “Daddy.”  Though I’m not biologically her Daddy, I’m old enough to be so, and those who don’t know us wouldn’t know.

When we’re out in public, our dynamic and feelings for each other don’t stop. She calls me “Daddy” by habit.  Sometimes we get looks from others.  Sometimes just to make a point, we’ll kiss passionately after she calls me “Daddy.”  We’re comfortable with who we are, and we don’t let anyone inhibit us from expressing our love and affection.

We do know, however, what’s appropriate and not for public consumption.  We don’t actually announce our forays into department store dressing rooms or the mile-high club on airplanes.

The bottom line is that DD/lg dynamics are consensual adult relationships, and what’s appropriate for other relationships is equally so for those involved in DD/lg.

Together, in public, my Lolita and I walk hand in hand, arm and arm. We kiss, we hug.  At the park, she’ll sit on my lap.  At restaurants, I’ll order for her, despite waitresses insisting on asking my Lolita directly for her order. She’ll jump up and down and demand a Happy Meal, which I oblige her with occasionally.  We shop together, we go to community kink events together, we eat at restaurants, go to the movies.  We’ll even indulge in intense public PDA occasionally, just as other lovers do. No matter. We’re adults!  So don’t hide your DD/lg relationship.  Get out there and declare yourself.

I’m Daddy Vinnie, a Daddy Dom, and this is my Lolita, my Little. 

Here’s a list of our favorite places to go that indulge our DD/lg relationship:

1. The Sanrio store – everything Hello Kitty.  Is there anything more awesome for a Little?  Or for a Daddy to watch his Little?

2.  The Cupcake restaurant – we have a popular cupcake restaurant here in San Diego called Babycakes that makes specialty cupcakes.  Love the vanilla sprinkle, pistachio, and red velvet cupcakes. Yummy!

3.  Dave and Buster’s – who doesn’t like a day full of arcade games and the beverage or meal of your choice?!

4.  A Drive to the beach and the mountains – it’s not so much the destination, it’s the journey, uninterrupted time for Daddy and Little.

5.  The Movies – when that latest Disney, Pixar, or independent animated movie comes out, who is first in line? That’s right: Daddy and his Little.

We still have a ways to go before the vast majority of people understand the DD/lg dynamic.  Until then, remember that expressing love and affection in public is never wrong.  Having a loving attitude toward your partner–and ignoring ignorant and judgmental stares and comments–goes a long way toward making this world a better place.

I know there’s nowhere that I’d rather be, than seeing the great big wonderful world as a Daddy through the eyes of my very own Little.

 

Lolita’s List of 5 Things to do with Daddy out of the House, by Lolita Hayes

So you’re in a DD/lg relationship with an amazing partner. You love being Little, but there is one thing holding you back: being Little in public. What is okay to do? What isn’t okay? What are some fun, Little-friendly things you can do?

These are all great questions. Whenever DD/lg couples are out in public, how do they decide what is appropriate intimate behavior and what isn’t? There is a time and place for everything, and, of course, you should limit yourself based on simple guidelines, like following local laws and being aware of the environment you are in. However, you should never feel like you cannot be Little with your Daddy out in the world. For example, you can always call Daddy “Daddy” in public. Many might feel a bit reserved about crossing that line, and you should never do something you’re not comfortable doing. However, do not let the fact you’re in public stop you. There is nothing wrong with calling your partner by their “pet name.” In fact, we have all heard it before by other couples: “Babe,” “Darling,” “Pumpkin.”  You’re a happy couple in love. Have fun and be true to who you are!

Now, how about some activities you can do out of the home that can help you and your Daddy connect within your DD/lg dynamic!

I have come up with a small list to get you started:

Lolita’s List of 5 Things to do with Daddy out of the House.

1. Go to a Park (one with a play-set) – It doesn’t matter if there are people already at the park. All that should matter is you and your Daddy are there and having fun. Let him push you on the swings, go down slides, climb around and be Little! Even if you’re not a Little who enjoys this sort of thing, it’s the type of activity that is hopelessly romantic! It’s okay to let your Little out and have fun at the park.

2. Go to the Drive-in Movie – I don’t know about you, but there is something “Little” about cozying up in the back of the truck piled with pillows and blankets and watching “Brave” with Daddy. Throw in candy, kisses, popcorn, and cuddles here and there … bliss.

3. Window Shopping in a Sleepy Town in the Mountains – All right, so this one’s a bit specific, but Daddy and I took a trip to the mountains recently. It was the perfect quick get-away. It was a long drive and it rained, but we got coffee, looked in shops, had lunch, walked in the rain, and hiked to a small brook. It was one of the best days with Daddy yet, like taking a vacation just for the day.

4. Trip to the Candy Store – Nothing makes me feel more Little than a quick trip to a candy store. We look around, we giggle at all the cool things you can find, remember candies you forgot you used to love when you were kids, and duh … TRY some!

5.  Build-A-Bear/Chuck-E-Cheese/ Amusement Parks – And other kid friendly (and adult friendly) places you can go be Little! Don’t feel limited to going to these places even though you’re an adult. You’re just as welcome to be there as anyone else, and it’s a perfect way to play and be Little!

These are just some quick ideas to get you started. Follow the laws and rules of any environment you’re in, keep the PDA appropriate, call him “Daddy” if you want to, and be yourself. Get out, be Little, and have fun!

Paperwork Protection for Alternative Relationships

 Posted by on September 10, 2013
Sep 102013
 

contract-2Not everyone has the opportunity, or even the desire, to get married. This is especially true for those of us who may practice an alternative style of relationship. However, there are a few simple documents that can help create a legally binding tie to your partners and help protect you and your loved ones in an emergency. It is never too early to start planning for the future.

Will:

A will is one of the most important documents you should create to protect your loved ones, married or unmarried. While a married partner will be provided for according to your state law, it may not be in the manner that you would have chose. Unmarried partners may have no rights once you pass on, so it is important to get your wishes in writing. With a will you can designate who should receive your property, and designate an executor to be the person in charge of handling your estate (paying creditors, filing taxes, distributing property, etc). You can also create financial structures, like a trust, that can continue to provide for its beneficiary for years into the future.

Durable Health Care Proxy / Advance Directives / Living Will:

There are a few different ways to provide that your medical wishes and end of life decisions are followed. Laws from state to state so it is important to consult an estate planning attorney in your jurisdiction for help. In general, an individual may create a document that lays out how they wish to be treated in an emergency, or the individual may designate another person to make those decisions should they become incapable of expressing their own desires. Living wills or advance directives allow you spell out how you should be treated in a hospital, including an order to not use extraordinary medical treatment to prolong your life. A durable health care proxy is someone that you designate to make medical decisions for you if you can not make those decisions for yourself. In both cases it is very important to have a thoughtful conversation with your partners and family to make sure that your wishes are carried out.

Power of Attorney:

A power of attorney allows you to designate someone who can make financial decisions for you should you become unable to do so yourself. This will allow you to continue to pay bills and conduct financial affairs if you become incapacitated. A power of attorney may be valid at the time it is executed, or you may create one that is “springing,” which comes into effect only if certain conditions are met, such as a statement by a medical professional that you are currently incapacitated.

Guardianship:

Providing for who should care for your children should you become incapacitated is very important. If you become hurt, the partner your child has been living with but has no biological or legal connection may have very limited rights without a clear understanding of your intent. Depending on your state law, you can create an emergency or standby guardianship that will provide who should have the care and custody of your child if you are unavailable.

Cohabitation Agreement:

Unmarried partners may, under the rules of contract law, form legally binding agreements with each other regarding living arrangements, finances, and other matters related to their relationship, as long as the agreement does not rely on any sexual arrangement between the partners. Creating a cohabitation agreement is a great way to provide for how property will be shared, how bills will be paid, and even how asserts will be distributed should the relationship come to an end.

Finally, know where these documents are and make sure they are easily accessible. You may have a validly executed health care proxy, but if you can’t show it to the EMT who rushed into your home, they may not follow your instructions. You should also have copies on file with doctors and professionals. While these documents and agreements can not provide all the benefits and rights of a marriage, they can help to ensure that you and your partners’ wishes are respected.

This article is presented for informational purposes only, it is not legal advice. If you have specific questions please consult an attorney in your jurisdiction.

Originally posted July 15, 2010

For Prospective Parents

 Posted by on September 8, 2013
Sep 082013
 

doctor-and-the-young-happy-family-with-little-son-2Last time in Part 1 of this two-part series I spoke to the concerns some men have about adult circumcision. In this article, I want to address prospective parents.

Here, Maggie and her husband disagree about circumcising their infant son.

Dr Dick, my husband and I have been arguing about circumcising our son since we learned we were pregnant with a boy. It is really putting a real strain on our marriage. He is not circumcised and he wants the same for our son. But the men in my family are all circumcised; and I was taught it was a serious matter of health and hygiene. Would you mind weighing in on this? The birth of our son should be a time for celebration not conflict.

I think you’re both right; it is a matter of health and hygiene, but I side with your husband in terms of genital integrity. Our foreskins do have a purpose: a healthy prepuce is a natural deterrent to infection and it will be an aid to your son’s sexual functioning and pleasure too.

Let’s start at beginning, shall we? When us boys are born we all have a foreskin. A good portion of us will have our unit seriously altered within days of showing up on the scene. Someone, possibly a person with good intentions, will lop off 50% of our cock skin and call it a day. Those of us who escape this deed remain intact, but our foreskin is only open enough to pee through. And it only opens more if it’s stretched, and it only gets stretched if the owner of that foreskin learns to pull it back over his dickhead. No foreskin ever opens by itself; it gets gradually stretched open over time either intentionally or just through normal use.

Most little boys soon discover that pulling back their foreskin feels really good. After all, this unique piece of skin is chock full of nerve endings that register loads of delicious pleasure. But besides that, a lad’s foreskin needs to be pushed back regularly, in order to stretch it open, and to keep it from shrinking shut again, or worse, adhering to his dickhead. It is essential that the boy learn to do this himself, so that he pulls his foreskin back only as far as feels comfortable to him.

Of course, there in lies the rub, so to speak. The sex-negative pressures of the prevailing culture frown upon self-induced pleasure of any sort, even if it is associated with personal hygiene and necessary bodily upkeep. So most boys get the message that fiddlin’ around down there, even for the purpose of essential maintenance is a no-no. Simply put, without manual stretching a kid’s skin can actually shrink, closing up again. Is this good enough reason for infant cosmetic surgery? I think not. And there is plenty of research to back me up on this.

The American Academy of Pediatrics has released several statements on routine infant circumcision over the years. The first was released in 1975. The AAP said there is no medical reason for routine infant circumcision. In 1983, the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology released a joint statement with The AAP that basically restated the 1975 position. Again in 1999, The AAP formed a task force on circumcision to study the data. They released a statement saying that there is no sufficient data to recommend routine infant circumcision to parents.

I think there is a fundamentally better way to deal with health concerns than body-altering surgery. You see, as a young fella approaches puberty there is, as we all know, a growth spurt. What most of us fail to take into account is that along with his legs, arms, torso, head and feet, his cock is also growing. His dickhead is increasing in size, and if the kid hasn’t established a healthy routine of foreskin stretching there is gonna be trouble.

Since parents are not likely to encourage self-discovery of this sort, nor are they inclined to show their young uncut sons how to properly care for this exceptional body part, the kid remains clueless till a problem arises. Wouldn’t it be so much simpler, as well as the responsible thing to do, for all parents with intact boys to pass on this priceless nugget of wisdom. It would be so easy to do while the kids are enjoying their bath. Parents could show their boys how to retract this fold of skin so that it stays supple, as well as getting things rinsed out underneath. They could encourage their boys to always pull back their lace curtains when they pee. Merely the number of times a fella will handle himself to piss will automatically keep things more lubricated and elastic.

This article was originally posted March 6, 2011

From ‘vanilla’ to ‘Dom’: how I started with BDSM

 Posted by on September 6, 2013
Sep 062013
 

olympus-digital-camera-6When I first ventured into the world of BDSM at the request of my partner, I was hesitant and slightly appalled at the thought of granting her request for a whipping, that would leave marks..! I had never ‘beaten’ a woman before, my mind racing.. wondering what my parents would think of this if they knew.. “OK..man up, man.. give the lady what she wants!” The first time she showed me her bare bottom, and encouraged me to whip her, I was careful not to hit too hard, but it wasn’t long before she urged me to strike her more vigorously, and I wasn’t so sure, but..

The slight glistening on her nether lips told me all I needed to know, and stirred something deep in the ‘animal-me’. I dared to strike harder, carefully placing my strokes away from her back and legs, concentrating on delivering an experience for her. With my rock hard manhood spurring me on, she received the whipping she so craved (an undeniable realization for me). Her moans, and angelic satisfied look afterwards told me the full story.

All I can say, to any new Dominant that has a doubt, I’m having the best sex of my life and it keeps getting better..

But most of all, I am getting better. I am better at delivering an accurate stroke, I know the weight, flex and specific impact of each cane, crop, whip or flogger that I own, some better than others. Jay Wiseman says he could never understand the ‘pleasure from pain mind’, and neither can I. But, what I can understand is that everyone has kink (the Oxford dictionary says: kinky is “involving or given to unusual sexual behavior” ) inside of them. And with that in mind, I am free to explore the technical side of the kink my partner prefers.

Technical? Getting it right.
Now some of you non-technical guys/girls will say.. “OK, there he goes, he’s lost me..” and I tend to agree with you. “I don’t need to worry about how I’m holding the damn stick, I just want to use it, right?” Right! So here goes.

First and foremost, I believe in mindset. When ones mindset is clear and focused all the ‘have to’s’ fall into place. So, even though I cannot identify with the pain that makes my princess sub melt like chocolate ice cream on a summers day, I can identify the signs of pleasure pooling on the bed sheets when I do something right.. I can see how different combinations of canes make her react, how to use those combinations to draw out the session for an extended period of time when I feel like having some fun, or how to use them to make it the equivalent of a quickie. Hard. Fast. Intense. Bratty behavior is also quickly dealt with. And believe me when I say your sub will act up if you have been neglecting your ‘burning bottom’ duties.

When I’m concentrated on delivering a mind blowing experience, it’s easier to get the details right. When I want to make sure the cane or crop strikes both cheeks at the same time, I automatically stand in a way that makes this possible, or when I want the whippy bit to bite a little more, my body knows what to do. With experimentation and all the benefits that accompany “giving this BDSM thing a go” you will soon find yourself a Master, a master of a glowing bottom and grateful sub, of wet.. wet pussy, and a willing slave to your increasingly depraved fantasies. Ignore her dark desires at the cost of a lifetime of ball wrenching sex!

Where to start, and what’s next?
Getting started is easy, just do it. Don’t make a big thing of it. In the beginning, I would take random opportunities to make her bend for the cane. Clothes on, nothing ‘violent’, just getting used to the idea that she’s not kidding, she does like it and it’s more than OK. After a short time, I wanted to get into a proper session, multiple canes, hard and soft strokes, varying positions, thud followed by sting, random timing, dirty talk, humiliation.. the whole kaboodle. It was scary, I fumbled, I stuttered, I felt like a fool.. she didn’t notice enough to stop her from a shuddering orgasm.

The biggest lesson I learned? Take it slow, don’t worry about your doubts, they don’t belong here. She loves this, she will reward you for this. She will tell you when it’s enough, she will tell you harder, more, or just moan in such a way that you’ll know.. With loving respect for each other, and attention to detail, your partners kink can be learned and mastered. I have much to learn, and many more hours of practice.. I cannot think of a more satisfying way to share my time with my love.

From this point forward, I am learning, reading, practicing and communicating with her for a better BDSM relationship that we can both participate in. I hope that you will follow me as Noëlle and I discover our path.

This article is a repost from Bedroom Bondage

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Trinity

 Posted by on September 4, 2013
Sep 042013
 

istock_000014150786xsmall-9975051The Trinity – the doctrine or teaching that God is Father/Creator, Son/Redeemer, and Holy Spirit/Sanctifier – is central to Catholicism. But no one fully understands the Trinity. That is why so few people ever talk about the Trinity; the focus is usually on one or another Person of the Trinity (the Father, or Jesus, or the Holy Spirit), rather than God as Triune (three in one). Any discussion on the Trinity, therefore, must first acknowledge how little we know about it. God is ultimately Mystery. (Humans, made in God’s image, are too.) Let’s plunge ourselves into the depths of the Mystery rather than just dismissing or avoiding it.

Sexuality – especially kinky sexuality – is also quite difficult to comprehend fully. We may or may not know much about the complex origins of these desires and the winding roads of their development, but most will agree that there is a fair bit of mystery in it all. Again, let’s enter into that mystery rather than avoiding the complexities of kink or dismissing such sexuality as weird or (negatively) perverse.

Belief in the Trinity is really a belief that God is relationship: “God is love” (1 John 4:8b, the first letter of John, chapter 4, second part of verse 8 in the Christian Scriptures, or New Testament). “God is love” language is thrown around all the time, usually in too superficial a way, in my opinion. But there are deeply meaningful ways to understand God as love. The Christian Scriptures were written in Greek; the Greek word for love as it describes God is agape, which is often defined as an unconditional or universal love. There is truth in these definitions, but the best definition that I have ever read of agape is “pure self-gift” (thanks to theologian Michael J. Himes, Doing the Truth in Love: Conversations about God, Relationships, and Service, pp. 9-22). God is pure self-gift. God is a relationship of complete self-giving.

Countless human relationships are also self-giving, perhaps even pure self-gift. In the kink realm, power exchange can be a clear example of agape. The submissive completely (or to some significant extent, depending on the depth of the relationship) gives him or herself to the dominant, desiring nothing but the best for the dominant partner. The submissive entrusts him or herself to the dominant. The dominant fully (or to some relevant extent) accepts this offering by the submissive and takes on the responsibility to care well for the submissive. The mutual trust and self-giving allows for the possibility that each partner thrive in and beyond the relationship.

The Trinity is fundamentally a relationship wherein all its members offer themselves to each other for the sake of the others – and all creation, for that matter. The same holds true in many kinky relationships wherein the partners offer themselves to each other so that each person (and possibly others) can live as authentically and as best as they can. God is complete self-gift; kinky partners can be too.

Originally posted August 9, 2010

Fuzzy Consent

 Posted by on September 1, 2013
Sep 012013
 

hands-raised-to-the-sky-with-the-inscription-no-2The issue of consent has been growing both within and without the kink community in the past few years. Recently the National Coalition of Sexual Freedom began their “Consent Counts” campaign, endeavoring to teach local law enforcement officials the difference between assault and kink.

The difference, of course, is the consent of the individuals involved. It’s understandable that police might have trouble understanding this, however, because even within the kink community there are questions and concerns about consent.

–“Yes Means Yes”

One view is the idea of “explicit consent”, where everything that happens in a scene has to be thoroughly and clearly negotiated before a scene can happen. Also known as the “yes means yes” style of negotiation, it is an exclusive form of play: everything that lies outside what was explicitly agreed upon in the negotiation is forbidden. At the same time, consent can be revoked at any time during the scene, for any reason.

However, in an explicit consent agreement that is only for things you decide you don’t want to do. If the bottom or top tries to expand the range of play, re-negotiating in the midst of scene, that is considered to be a violation of the consent, even if it was entirely the bottom’s idea. The power disparity between top and bottom creates too much possibility of bad decisions due to being in an altered state in the heat of the moment – basically the equivalent of “thinking with your dick” though it’s not gender-specific.

There have been incidents where tops have acquiesced to a bottom’s request to “take things a little further”, and afterwards had the bottom accuse them of violating consent. The perception is that the top, being in control, has a responsibility to “hold the line” of pre-negotiated limits, and failure to do so is almost criminal.

–A Privileged View

Trying to expand the idea of “Explicit” consent throughout the BDSM community is problematic on several levels. It presumes that both parties are both capable and comfortable explicitly telling each other what they want to do. Not everyone has the vocabulary or the experience to be able to say “this is what I want.”

It also reduces the level of communication to one simple message: the bottom’s ability to say “no” at any time. As kink educator Sheryn B. writes in her essay “Assent Matters”(you must have a Fetlife account to view link).

If you sell the notion that bottoming takes everybody to a place where consent is impossible…then ALL the work being done to make what we do legal and defensible and give us CHOICE is for naught. If we aren’t competent to consent or withdraw consent once play starts, then everything we do will always be criminal, for our own protection.

While it might be nice to imagine a world where everyone has the complete ability to explicitly state exactly what they want (and their partners have the ability to deliver it) that is the realm of a privileged few. At a certain point in order for people to grow sexually they have to step into at least some level of the “unknown.”

That’s where “Fuzzy Consent” comes in.

–Blurring the Lines

Explicit consent certainly has it’s place, especially when a couple of people are first starting to play. It can provide a clear map of where the players want to go: rope on, suspension in the air, back to ground, rope off. Clear, easy to understand. Sexual contact can be absolutely dictated, clearly outlined (“Touch me anywhere my underwear doesn’t cover” is a common one).

Fuzzy consent, however, gives both parties a playground and an invitation to play within the boundaries. It’s not a map, it’s a jungle gym, and just like kids it is a chance to share and inspire each other’s imagination. You can try things out and give feedback. You both have the opportunity to try something and say “Ooh, I like that…let’s try more!”

Is it more dangerous than explicit consent? Perhaps, though in any BDSM context there is always the chance that both action and reaction may not be what you expect. That’s part of being risk-aware – understanding that people can make mistakes. One of the important elements of trying out fuzzy consent is the assumption that you are both motivated by a desire for mutual enjoyment.

Perhaps part of creating consent between BDSM players could involve an initial scene created explicitly…and then followed with “You know, that was fun, maybe next time we could take things a little further, try out some new ideas. I really liked the way you did that one thing…”

There’s a reason that they call it “play”, after all. There’s no reason that explicit consent can’t be the start of a conversation rather than the end of one.

The Magic of Modern Mythology

 Posted by on August 30, 2013
Aug 302013
 

once-upon-a-time-2When most people nowadays – pagan, monotheist, athiest or otherwise – think of the word “myth”, we typically imagine sacred stories of other times and cultures, things that may-or-may-not have happened long ago, tales that no one can now affirm or deny with any real certainty. We may venture to muse on children’s stories or folk lore, but rarely do we consider our current ideologies and systems of codification to fall into this category.

What exactly is a modern myth, you ask? According to James Curcio of ModernMythology.net and author of The Immanence of Myth “Modern myth is on the lips, minds, and knife-points of those in the midst of active revolution, as well as those working in media. In fact, all that is represented, all that we could form an opinion on as we form an opinion on it, is in that process entering the realm of myth.“

Scientists, sociologists and cultural anthropologists tend to refer to these kinds of myths as narratives – another word for “stories”. Take for example this statement from John Bickle and Sean Keating at New Scientist:

“We are our narratives” has become a popular slogan. “We” refers to our selves, in the full-blooded person-constituting sense. “Narratives” refers to the stories we tell about our selves and our exploits in settings as trivial as cocktail parties and as serious as intimate discussions with loved ones. We express some in speech. Others we tell silently to ourselves, in that constant little inner voice. The full collection of one’s internal and external narratives generates the self we are intimately acquainted with. Our narrative selves continually unfold.”

Sometimes our narratives are strictly personal, the stories we tell ourselves (and sometimes those we are close to) about ourselves and the people we interact with directly on a day-to-day basis. Sometimes these myths take on bigger and more complex relationships, especially when they relate to our ideas about ourselves as groups of people, about how we as groups relate to each other and about the nature of the universe itself.

So, you’re asking yourself… what does this have to do with sex?

If there is one realm of our lives that is at the constant center of our story-telling attention, sex is it. I am constantly reading articles that make blanket statements about what “all men” want in a relationship and how “all women” are supposed to feel when it comes to sex. The thing about the science we use to make these gender distinctions is that at first groups people into two seemingly identifiable groups – men versus women – and then attempts to “map” our differences. Is it any wonder we find that when we create a dichotomy such as this, people tend to diverge to one side or the other, instead of all lumping together into the middle?

The Kinsey scale, which has been around for decades, describes sexual orientation on a 1 to 10 scale, yet we still talk about it as if “straight”, “bi” and “gay” can describe the entirety of sexual experience. Gender is an even more controversial issue. The myth that “penis or vagina” are the be all and end all of our gender roles, and that this somehow determines our fate rather than merely suggesting possible tendencies, is a widespread and a dangerous myth to attack. A lot of people have a lot of faith (and money) tied up in these notions. This is why folks get so up in arms when someone suggests that maybe, just maybe, knowing a person’s gender isn’t all that important.

Science makes it fairly easy for media to make claims that seem to be backed by evidence but in reality merely hint at slight tendencies that may practically be unnoticeable. According to Dr. Cordelia Fine, author of “Delusions of Gender: How Our Minds, Society and Neurosexism Create Difference”:

These cultural lores, which in popular hands can become nothing short of monstrous fiction, are standing in the way of greater sex equality – just as measures of skull volume, brain weight and neuron delicacy did in the past.

Our modern mythologies ultimately define us, not only as a species, but as our civilizations and as individuals. If we allow ourselves to believe that what lies between our legs limits us in any way beyond the obvious physicality, well…. so may it be. That, my friends, is magic.

Originally published June 16, 2011

5 Myths About Gender

 Posted by on August 28, 2013
Aug 282013
 

gender-die-2Gender is one of the most powerful social forces in our lives- it shapes not only our view of the world, but also the view of ourselves. Whether we are assigned to be a man or woman at birth affects the lens through which we perceive, learn, negotiate and understand society.

Unfortunately there are a lot of myths about gender. Stereotypes and false assumptions lead us down the dark path of sexism and oppression. We internalize these messages about how were supposed to look, what were supposed to wear, how were supposed to act and what were supposed to be like.

We have to debunk the myths about gender, in order to understand how gender is socially constructed and in many ways distorts our view of the world. There’s no question that your assigned (or chosen) gender is going to have a massive impact on your point of view.

Here’s a list of 5 common myths about gender, held by society:

1)    Women are from Venus, Men are From Mars

We are told from a very young age that women and men are opposites of each other and different in every way- men and women communicate, learn, speak, be-friend, think and even eat differently and that these differences are inherent. The fact is, generalization doesn’t work and is factually incorrect, as there is more difference among each sex then there is between the two sexes [1](and the same goes for race and many other identities).

There’s all kinds of false science that suggests men and women have inherently different brain structures[2] (not true) and that women are somehow hardwired to be good homemakers and men to be the breadwinners. There’s not any historical basis for this and largely comes from speculation from pre-history that we don’t have any information about.

2)    Your Gender Cannot Change

Once you’re assigned a gender at birth, society says that’s it and that’s who you are. Gender though, is an identity that is determined by a variety of factors that are fluid and changing. How you see yourself, as a man, woman or something else entirely, does not have to match the label that you were given. Those that fall outside of the gender binary are known by a variety of terms, including gender queer, transgender, agender and polygender. These include a multitude of identities and are no less valid than the identities of man and woman.

3)    Gender Roles Are Natural

Have you ever heard the story of prehistory, when men were hunters and women were gatherers? Men killed and fought while women stayed home and raised the children? Well, that entire idea is based on myth, in fact, historically we don’t really know much about prehistoric times, we can only make assumptions[3]. Even the historical artifacts of humans can only be speculated to be belonging to either sex category.  Thus, the gender roles that are justified from this myth have no basis in sociobiology.

4)    Girl’s Aren’t Good at Math

Studies have shown that while women underestimate their abilities in math and science, they in fact have the same abilities and skill in it as men do[4]. Girl’s confidence in math tends to peak in elementary school and plunges as they enter middle school[5]. Reasons for this? The general culture tells girl’s that math is for boys and that they don’t have the same cognitive ability for it, nor should they desire to be a math wiz. There’s also not a lot of encouragement from teachers and math programs in college and this can leave girl’s that want to go into math careers alienated.

5)    Men are Stronger than Women

This argument is often used to justify not watching or taking an interest in women’s sporting teams and events. Since men are stronger and tougher, according to this logic (and our culture’s obsession with hyper-masculinity) men’s athletic events are more interesting and entertaining because they compete at a higher level then women.

While professional and Olympic level male athletes that are the very best do outperform women, the fact is that 99.9% of men are not as skilled athletically as women who are performing at the top. Therefore, women CAN be better athletes and have greater athletic ability then men.

You also have to consider the fact that most of the professional sports that we pay attention to are designed for male athletes. Football, basketball and baseball, the three most popular sports in America, all require things like arm strength and a  strong core, which are typically areas men have more ability in then women. But, sports like gymnastics which requires balance and leg strength, things women have more ability at, are sidelined and for the most part ignored. The way in which we construct athletics is so that men will excel.

Gender is a social construction and if anything, that’s the most important thing that you can take away from this article. All of the things you’ve been told about men and women’s opposing viewpoints is false and what we are told about our worth and value as a man or a woman is based on societal ideals. Start re-thinking the way you view gendered roles and see what other myths you can demystify in your life. Start looking at gender in a critical light.

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