The Surprising Start of St. Andrews

 Posted by on September 17, 2011
Sep 172011
 

By the Royal Jester

Kate Middleton and Prince William met at the University of St. Andrews. It’s the third oldest university in the United Kingdom and the oldest in Scotland, having been founded in 1413. It is located in a lovely town of the same name on the east coast of Scotland.

If you take A917 in St. Andrews to B9131 south to Anstruther, about ten miles, and turn right onto Castle Street just as the Firth of Forth looms in front of you, you’ll find some fragments of Dreel Castle. It’s really not much to look at and what’s left is privately owned, so there’s not much to visit.

Dreel Castle had a peculiar aura back in the beginning of the 18th century. It was the birthplace in 1733 of the Beggar’s Benison, or the Most Ancient and Puissant Order of the Beggar’s Benison and Merryland. The word “benison” is from the Middle English and means, in short, a blessing or benediction. The term “Merryland” is a type of topographical, erotic description of the female anatomy peculiar to 18th Britain. Less ambiguous is the club’s motto: “May prick nor pursene’er fail you”.

So what does this have to do with the University of St. Andrews or, more importantly, Prince William? Well, Prince William’s royal ancestor, King George IV, was allegedly a member of the club when he was a mere Prince Regent. And the regalia of the club, along with some minutes of their meetings, can be found at the Beggar’s Benison and Wig Club collection of the University of St Andrews. It was written up by David Stevenson, Professor Emeritus of Scottish History at the University of St Andrews, in his curious volume entitled The Beggar’s Benison: Sex Clubs of Enlightenment Scotland and Their Rituals.

So what happened at the Castle? Well, the Beggar’s Benison was a men’s club for drinking, bawdy songs and readings from pornographic literature such a Fanny Hill. You know, the usual.

Local young females were hired to pose nude, but the males were forbidden to touch them. It was like a modern day strip club, in that respect, but the members were allowed to touch their own … members. In fact, it was encouraged and was the center piece for initiates.

The initiation is somewhat amusing giving its mock solemnity:

“The Sovereign presided over the Members wearing their sashes and silver-gilt medals. The Remembrancer produced the Testing-Platter which was placed on a high Stool or Altar in the centre of the room. The Recorder and two Remembrancers prepared the Novice in a closet, by causing him to propel his Penis until full erection. When thus ready he was escorted with four puffs of the Breath-Horn before the Brethren or Knighthood, and was ordered by the Sovereign to place his Genitals upon the Testing Platter, which was covered with a folded white nap-kin, The Members and Knights two and two came round in a state of erection and touched the Novice Penis to Penis, Thereafter the special Glass, with the Society’s Insignia thereon and Medal attached, was filled with Port Wine, when the new Brother’s health was heartily and humorously drunk, He was told to select an amorous Passage from the Song of Solomon and to read it aloud with comments; after which he was arrayed with Sash and Medal by the Sovereign, repeating the words along with the others, “May Prick nor Purse never fail you”. The Banquet Followed …”

A scanned image of this anonymously written book from 1892 shows various records, minutes of meetings and photographs of some of the regalia used can be found here

The following entry is fairly typical:

“1735. St. Andrew’s Day. 24 present. Every Penis exhibited and compared by erection and frig-discharge, 3 Novices were tested. A girl of 15 appeared nude for a few minutes: she shewed herself satisfactorily and was engaged for next Assembly.”

The idea was very popular and the club was franchised with local variations in places such as Edinburgh, Glasgow and possibly as far as St. Petersburg in Russia. But by the early 19th century the Victorian era and its conservative values began to take hold and the clubs silently disappeared.

So the next time you’re in St. Andrews, stop by the University to take a look at the Beggar’s Benison and Wig Club collection. But you better have a scholarly reason to view the collection because it is not open to any average pervert. Better yet, see if you can dig up a used copy of Professor Stevenson’s opus perverti.

When you Leave the Scene…

 Posted by on September 15, 2011
Sep 152011
 

By Morgan

When you leave the scene, it doesn’t leave you.

I’ve lost count of the number of times a guy I’ve been involved with who at some point decided to leave the scene, only to come back in six months with a sob story and apology. My usual response is to send him straight to a munch, ask him to hang out with some kinky people, and make some friends. The last thing a guy like that needs at a weak point is to jump back into a kinky one on one relationship. They need a support system and something to fall back on, bounce things off of. Building these connections creates context for the kink. More often than not, those that take the social prescription end up gaining some great experiences. They usually don’t bolt that hard again and seem happier for it. Because of that experience on my part, I wanted to share a few points with new folks who get frustrated, angry, fed up, and run for the vanilla hills while shaking their leather clad fist at the sky. It is my hope that this might reduce the number of abandoned toy bags and give hope to the frustrated kinksters out there.

Step One: Leave your family’s baggage at their place

The number one reason I’ve seen people run from their kink has been the fear of what someone else would think. Whether it’s their religious mother or nosey brother, family can get too curious. Things have changed a bit. We’re not likely to be burned at the stake or tarred and feathered, but the idea of our parents finding out what we do is still scary. If your folks have baggage, let them carry it! Leave it at the door and realize that if you’re ready to make the leap into the kinky world, you’re doing it for you, not them. Articulate to yourself that it’s ok to be kinky, and you have a right to pursue your happiness without sharing the gory details. Remember, vanilla people don’t talk about their sex lives with their parents either. It’s personal! Keep it that way!

Step Two: You took the plunge, but are you in the right pool?

Not everyone in the fetish scene in your area is going to be just like you. You’ll encounter male Dom & fem sub couples, gay men, butch dykes, babygirls and crossdressers, foot fetishists and leather wearing bikers. You’ll meet liberals and conservatives, Christians, pagans, atheists and more. They aren’t all going to agree with you, share your fetish, or want to help you explore your kink. That’s life, but don’t get mad at them for not being what you want. Be patient, and when you find people who are like you, make friends. The connections you make over time may surprise you, just don’t expect the process to be plug and play.

Step Three: Do non kinky stuff with kinky people

It’s ok to get to know someone without the intention of beating them, tying them up, or sleeping with them. Human relationships are multidimensional. They involve social time as well as sexy play. Go bowling, have a beer, watch a game. Whatever interests you, go do these things. Why: Because while you’re on the hunt for your new rope bunny or FemDom, you need the social support of friends. If you don’t get that support with kinky people, you’ll need to get it somewhere else. Deny yourself that context and you may end up feeling the whole process is lonely, empty and frustrating. Some of the subs I’ve known have bolted at that point, trying to find a white picket fence relationship to fix it all. When the kink need resurfaces, that vanilla relationship suffers a tragic death, often leaving the vanilla partner confused and dumped. Then the kinky partner starts all over again by reentering the fetish world. If you’re getting fed up like this, figure out who your kinky friends are and make some social time happen. You might be surprised how reenergized you feel.

Wrap it all together and…

The good news is, once you spend some time in the generalized scene, you will find some folks into your fetish. Just give it time. Throwing up your hands in frustration, publicly declaring you’re done with the posers and stomping offline won’t fix the problem. The attempts at vanilla relationships as a way to ‘fix’ your frustrations can lead to unfulfilled needs and unnecessary romantic friction. I look at these like rebound relationships. In six months if the desire to return comes back, those declarations and stomping feet will feel pretty silly. Take time for yourself when you need it, not after you’ve blown a gasket.

If you’ve already left the scene behind a couple of times, you know what I’m talking about. These feelings are all pretty natural and normal, but the trick is finding a balance between the different parts of your life. A kinky man cannot live on kink alone, nor will the white picket fence sustain him. And remember, nothing ruins communication quality like the internet, so get out into the world and be social!

Giving Sex Work a Voice

 Posted by on September 14, 2011
Sep 142011
 

By DNGG

Give the people a voice and they will tell their stories. Cultural Studies scholars have long argued the political and social importance of minority and oppressed groups to be heard. Recent years have seen an uptick in news stories, blogs, and social media campaigns highlighting “voices” from the fringes (queers, the homeless, the working poor, transpeople, etc.) with the assumption that allowing individuals that have been silenced or ignored in the past to tell their stories to the broader society will promote understanding and act as a catalyst for change or reformation of flawed policies regarding the groups in question. Unfortunately, the voices in question are often filtered through mainstream outlets or public figures that proceed to “speak for” those on the fringe.

It appears sex workers are getting their turn in the spotlight. Organizations such at The Sex Worker Project, blogs like Sexual Intelligence, and even mainstream outlets like Ms Magazine have managed to draw a fair amount of attention to sex workers and sex workers’ right campaigns, highlighting the importance of protecting and supporting voluntary sex workers and ending nonconsensual sex trafficking and slavery.

However, this new found awareness of sex workers’ rights has also garnered two well recognized mouth pieces, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore. The dynamic duo founded the Demi & Ashton Foundation (DNA) and launched the Real Men Don’t Buy Girls campaign to bring peoples’ attention to women sex workers suffering the hardships of sexual slavery and trafficking (the campaign makes no mention of the many men also functioning as sex workers). In their zeal to shine a light on the world of sex trafficking, they have reduced practically all sex work to non-consensual sexual practices and enraged many of the people they claim to be supporting.

Bell Hooks, a well respected social activist and scholar, has often railed against those within the mainstream (despite their good intentions) speaking for members of the oppressed/minority. As a member of a racial and gender minority herself, she sarcastically claims there is:

“No need to hear your voice when I can talk about you better than you can speak about yourself. No need to hear your voice. Only tell me about your pain. I want to know your story. And then I will tell it back to you in a new way. Tell it back to you in such a way that it has become mine, my own. Re-writing you I write myself anew. I am still author, authority. I am still colonizer the speaking subject and you are now at the center of my talk.”

Kutcher and Moore, in their desire to bring attention to an important issue, have failed to really listen to many of the individuals they claim to be trying to help. Instead they have forced the conversation in one particular direction, further silencing and ignoring those that don’t fit their tightly defined parameters of sex work.

While Hooks and Gayatri Chakrovorty Spivak, a literary critic and theorist best known for her work “Can the Subaltern Speak,” argue that academics cannot speak for the other unless they decenter themselves as experts and merely relay the words and experiences of the individuals that have lived the life they wish to give voice to, one could claim that Kutcher and Moore are doing more harm than good by speaking out for sex workers instead of allowing them to use their own voices. By centering themselves as experts on topic and focusing only on nonconsensual sex work, they shut down the variety of directions conversations surrounding sex work can take and imply that sex for money is always negative.

It is arrogant to assume that you can speak for an entire collective of people and when arrogance and advocacy collide the result is often an oversimplification of complex matters. Yes, sexual slavery and trafficking are important, but choosing to discuss sex work purely through that lens stunts society’s ability to understand and adapt. Many of the facts get lost in the hype and the real life participants are often overshadowed by their “advocates.” After all, for many sex workers, the problem isn’t the exchange of sex for money, the problem is there are people being forced) to provide sex for money. Perhaps it’s time to allow the true experts to speak for themselves so society has the possibility to move toward creating a world where those who desire it have the freedom to engage in commercial sex AND the rest of the population has the freedom from having it imposed upon them.

I Do Not Want to Have “Fat Sex”

 Posted by on September 11, 2011
Sep 112011
 

By AliceSin Aerie

People who are experts in what has been dubbed “Fat Sex” want fat people to be treated with kindness and respect for their body in regards to sex. I think that is commendable. I also think it is myopic.

I am a great many things. In the list of titles and attributes which I assign myself and may be readily observed by others is the fact that I am fat. It’s not a word I use to judge, punish or shame myself. Nor do I allow others to negatively impact me in their use of it. It’s their opinion of who I am, or at least part of it, I am sure I can be assigned other words and labels with a little more imagination.

One thing I am not is a person with a poor self image or poor self esteem. I am not a person whose body image is based on the size of my body. Do I think myself perfect, no. Do I think myself better than other people, no. Do I think myself just as worthy of love, respect, caring and self expression as other people, YES, yes I do!
It’s a huge cultural taboo to be fat, I own that. I am fat, I am other. I refuse to be less than any other in my own estimation of myself. I refuse to allow people to make me feel that I am less worthy of any goal I wish to attain through my own efforts. I do not feel I am less worthy of love or sex because I do not fit the current ideal of attractiveness in our culture. I refuse to apologize for my feelings and my opinion that I am as worthy of every other person of being treated the way I want to be treated.

I don’t make special rules excusing myself or other fat people in being accountable for actions and behaviors. I don’t have the point of view that fat people should be idealized or exalted. I don’t deny anyone their right to change their physical appearance to match who they feel they are meant to be or how they feel they are meant to look. I would wish that people would want to be healthy regardless of their physical attributes, but it’s not my place to enforce good health on others either. I can only encourage those I care for who have personal goals for themselves to attain them.

We all craft our own lens through which we view ourselves and others. We create parameters for what we expect from ourselves and what we expect from others. We need structure to base this view upon & it is our nature is to fixate upon differences. We often compare ourselves to others through our lens. Our personal lens is a summation of our experiences and how we have been impacted by others.

For many individuals part of being who they are is having a negative feeling about themselves or an aspect of themselves. Self image is not only based on body size. In fact, it’s not based on one’s body at all but their own view of that body. A person may have a body part or image in their head of how their body looks that doesn’t have anything to do with what other people see. It has to do with how they feel. They are entitled to their feelings and opinions about themselves. They are even entitled to their feelings and opinions about others. They may feel they have the ability to overcome their self image or they may not.

People should be treated with deference to their individuality and unique needs if they want to be. They are equally entitled to be reviled if they so chose or whatever they deem acceptable.

Everyone is responsible for conveying their needs to their sex partners. Everyone is responsible for respecting the needs expressed by their sex partners. If you are finding that you cannot communicate your needs to your partner and/or that they are not respecting or meeting your needs it is your choice to continue or discontinue any sexual encounter or relationship.

I don’t need you to like me for me to like myself. I don’t need you to write a manual on my behalf of how to turn me on because I am fat. The same way I wouldn’t want you to include me with all women or all Dommes. I don’t want to be included in your absolutes on what it is to have a fat body. I don’t want people to don kid gloves in their treatment of me because I am somehow dubbed fragile for being other.

In my experience, if you speak for yourself people who agree or feel the same will be glad you did. Conversely if you attempt to speak for others in absolute terms you will endlessly trip over exceptions to your point of view. By all means, I support those who wish to have “Fat Sex.” I hope it’s fabulous. I don’t want to have “Fat Sex.” I want to have my own “Super-Hot-Dirty-Possibly-Sadomasochistic-Potentially-Involving-Rope Sex.”

Please don’t speak for me. In return I encourage and support you in speaking out for yourself. I also encourage and support you to be more inclusive of individuals with body image issues who may or may not be fat but share your point of view.

Classical Erotica: A modern look at the illustrations of Édouard-Henri Avril

 Posted by on September 10, 2011
Sep 102011
 

By TM Bernard

The first time I discovered the salacious attraction of porn I was young, perhaps eight. A friend next door found a pack of playing cards with pornographic images on them in her parent’s room, and a group of us huddled in hushed wonderment – filled with fear, fascination and disgust – staring at the photos of men and women engaged in various sex acts. Of course, this was the sort of secret no child could keep, and once my mother found out, she banned me from playing there ever again. I was furious, and secretly glad for it. It was scary.

The next time I ran across nude photos of men and women, we were visiting a friend in a remote, artistic community, the sort of town to have an eclectic and independent bookstore. That’s where I encountered a coffee table book devoted to ‘Nudes.’ Big, bold and filled with hundreds of photos of men, women and children, I sat for a long time on the floor, mesmerized. Instinctively, I knew these were okay to look at; these were different. At the time, I couldn’t explain why.

In the Eye of the Beholder

The continuum of art and porn has fuzzy boundaries. In general, one could say that in art, subjects are honored; in porn, they are (usually) not (I say usually based on the emergence of sex-positive, female centered productions). Most of us are titillated by what we see, even if we don’t want to admit it; it’s important to recognize however, that not all scenes offend.
Could one reason depend on whether the object of our visual lust is naked vs. nude? This idea occurred to me after reading a very unlikely article, wholly unrelated to erotica, by the theologian, Rabbi Bradley Shavit Artson. According to him, there is a difference.

“‘Nudity’ is a state of personal intimacy and trust, without pretense or artifice,” he has written. “‘Nakedness’, on the other hand, entails more than an absence of clothing – it is a mental state (both for the person lacking garments and for those observing the undressed body).”

What’s more, Artson believes that, “to be naked is to lack an element of protection, to be stripped of dignity or decency. Nakedness is about objectification, reducing a person to a mere object to be appraised, to be used.”

If this is the case, then art elevates the nude – photographer, subject and viewer as well – so that we are left with a sense of awe and appreciation for the human form. It appeals to our higher mind. Yes, it is evocative, and quite often we may have a sexual response to it, but that is secondary to rendering us free from shame and embarrassment. Nudity sanctifies the human body, and is therefore art. Pornography exploits the human body, and is therefore not.
Porn, Erotica or Art?

Is this the complete story? The past few years have seen a growing demand for ‘better porn.’ Some viewers want more art in their jollies; aroused by the voyeuristic pleasure of watching others, they prefer class over crass when it comes to private affairs. It’s food for thought: if exploitation was taken out of the mix, and if tenderness, intimacy and awe were put it, than what might we find ourselves enjoying?

Erotica is hardly new. From prehistoric sketches of female forms on cave walls to Japanese shunga, humanity has been codifying coitus with sticks, ink and passion. Eduoard-Henri Avril (21 May 1843–1928) was a French painter and commercial artist who illustrated erotica literature under the pseudonym Paul Avril. His illustrations show men and women, monogamous and not, enjoying their sexual unions; not appropriate for children, but tame compared to that deck of cards a group of kids discovered 30 years ago.

Notice the rapture on the faces of the women, something not usually something seen today, where everything is hot and furious, and a woman’s pleasure is often depicted as secondary to the man’s (and the viewers’). What’s more, the images reveal a total lack of pretense or shame. Whatever is being shared and experienced together is mutual and pleasurable. Natural landscapes and plush settings draw viewers in, not just as voyeurs to the couplings on the page, but also as willing participants. Who wouldn’t want to lounge and love in these surroundings?

Perhaps at the time they were distributed, in the late 1800s, the establishment was outraged. Today, Avril’s creations are a colorful expression of sexuality from a bygone era, as well as evidence that lines between art and pornography have been blurred before.

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The Etiquette of Social Networks and Kink

 Posted by on September 9, 2011
Sep 092011
 

By Lucy Lemonade

Social networks have become part of our everyday life, whether we enjoy them or not. They can be great for connecting with old friends or seeing new pictures. A social network devoted to kinksters also exists. I use Fetlife to connect with new friends I have met at events, and search for new compatible playmates in my area. But the problem that plagues most of the social aspect of the internet invades Fetlife as well; a lack of etiquette.

I suspect that if you are reading Fearless Press you have to be an intelligent, witty human being who knows the basics of etiquette. I am still going to give a primer for everyone as practice makes perfect. It is always good to brush up on your social skills.

Your profile is your digital first impression. This is your chance to control what is seen by others. You want to convey who you are as scintillating creature who requires a second glance (or page view). The first step is create the most attractive packaging as possible. Make sure to describe who you are and what you are looking for. Don’t rely solely on the generic forms that are offered, go into detail of what you desire. While this is a social platform for kink, it is also great to include some vanilla tidbits about yourself. Do you make the most delicious cakes, or perhaps have a unique hobby such as old-fashioned woodworking? Including this helps to create a full profile.

Profiles stand out when they are unique, but humble as well. You may consider yourself to be the most powerful dominant or the sexiest submissive who lives on their knees, but allow others to give you compliments instead. That’s what the wall section is for. Telling me that I need you, makes me want you less.

Profile pictures are of high importance, do not underestimate their importance on your viewers. For the main picture, please remember that it is not polite to show your genitals to strangers. This rule holds true on kink social networks as well. Please keep your pants on and allow some mystery to build. In the case of those who enjoy genitorture with needles and sounding, feel free to post picture of your handiwork. However make me have to delve deeper in your profile to find them.

Your profile picture does not have to be a professional portrait. For some of us professional kinksters a little privacy must be kept to keep our vanilla careers intact. In this case offering an artistic photograph of your body that doesn’t show your face is perfectly acceptable. My main profile image is that of just my lips in Petals n’ Peacocks lipstick (MAC). This picture shows my love of colorful lipstick and make-up and conveys my femme personality. Great options include a body part wrapped in intricate ropes knots if your into shibari, or nice whip marks from a great night in the past.

I have given the ins and outs of developing an attractive, informative profile for kinky social networking. Next installment of Stepford Kink will concentrate on the etiquette of the introduction message and overall kinky networking etiquette.

Learning about Fat Sex: Foreplay

 Posted by on September 7, 2011
Sep 072011
 

By lunaKM

Foreplay. It is what we do to arouse ourselves and our partners before sex. We all have different things we enjoy for foreplay and the time we like to spend on foreplay before sex. Having sex with an overweight partner is about awareness as well as passion. You want to make sure that your partner is as comfortable as possible with what you are doing with their body and also getting aroused by it.

So, why is fat sex different? Many overweight people are very negative body conscious. If you do try to arouse them in a way that makes them overtly aware that they are fat it could have a negative effect on the foreplay and possibly end the sexual encounter all together. Let’s face it, what we really want is to make each other feel good, right?

It’s important to know that not all overweight people have the same body hang ups as others and you should definitely talk to your partner before sex about what parts of their body they don’t like. For many its their belly, or hips, heavy arms. Others it could be their butt or back. Knowing where they are uncomfortable will guide you to how to avoid making them uncomfortable during foreplay. Also talk about flexibility and mobility issues they may have as some of the more common positions for sex acts may not work for you and your partner.

Once you know what makes them uncomfortable, tell them what you love about their larger body. Tell them that it arouses you when you touch or caress the body parts that they have issues with and see how they respond. If it’s with any sense of aversion you should avoid those areas until your partner is more comfortable with it.

Pursuing this further, let’s cover some of the common activities during foreplay and how they may change when teasing and turning on an overweight partner.

Dirty Talk

There is nothing more sexy than having your partner whisper naughty things in your ear about what they want to do with you. The power of someone’s voice in arousal thickened tones is intoxicating. But there are things you want to avoid saying when you are talking to a negative body conscious person.

Never direct attention to their extra flesh. Don’t say things like, “big, fat, wide, chubby, plump” when referring to their bodies – especially the parts they have told you make them uncomfortable. These are sensitive words and have been known to shut down arousal all together.

Removing Clothing

Sensually removing clothing can have a heightened sensual response in people. It can also put a halt to progress if you fumble. That bra strap you can’t get undone? It probably has more hooks than a fisherman’s tackle box. It may be hard to get to the button on pants. For large people clothing rarely just falls off like you see in porn. We typically have to wiggle and tug a bit more, and that could make us more aware of our bodies.

If you want to help us take our clothing off, and really we’d love the intimacy of it, go slower. If you are having issues with a button or zipper or something, ask us to get it. Make us feel good for taking our clothing off for you.

Many fat women, especially, would prefer to keep an item of clothing on and not be completely naked. Accept that we aren’t ready for this exposure and don’t push. Clothing or covers gives a large woman an illusion that we are hiding our flaws and we feel safer for that.

Exploring the body is hot and since your skin is the most erogenous organ it stands to reason that you will want to explore your lover’s body to turn themselves and you on. This can be unnerving though if you are overweight or uncomfortable with your body. If you’ve read my article about how I used to feel about my body just touching my large stomach or other trouble areas could bring me to tears and turn me off. You certainly don’t want to do that! That’s why talking to your partner before hand will help.

Steer clear of the sensitive areas until they are more comfortable with you touching them – if that’s what they want. Bring pleasure to them in other ways and focus on the parts of their body that they show that they like.

On the other side, if they are the one being active in touching you, be aware of uncomfortable body positions for your partner as one of the most common issues with larger women is decreased flexibility and mobility.

In all things sexual, remember that the point is to have fun and enjoy your partner. Talk first and learn to love their body more than they do – they might see themselves through your eyes and confidence will reward you. Fat sex can be beautiful.

BDSM Explained: Let’s Meet at the Why (Motivation)

 Posted by on September 5, 2011
Sep 052011
 

By Sea

This article is third of a three-series article that explains what BDSM is, and why people enjoy it. It would be helpful to those with or without an interest in BDSM who wish to know more about the terms and origins, and those into BDSM who are looking for ideas for how to explain it to others.

Here is a fictional conversation with a woman unfamiliar with BDSM after she read the first two articles:

Woman: Ok, so now I understand terms. I’m still baffled why people do it!

Me: The answer remains somewhat a mystery. I used to think an interest in BDSM stemmed from childhood experiences. Over time I have met too many people who shared genes and an interest in BDSM, leading me to believe in a nature and nurture component.

The nurture component is a formative experience(s) leading to an interest in BDSM in response to a given stimulus. The nature component—genetics—makes one more inclined to respond to such stimuli.

Woman: What would be a formative experience? Abuse?

Me: While some into BDSM may have experienced abuse, I think what creates the interest is an erotic experience wrapped around power or an activity that one might see in BDSMF, leaving a lasting impression on that person’s psyche and sexuality. For example, I read about a man’s childhood punishment by a teacher who had him kneel under her desk in front of class. Being by her legs was erotic for him, which caused being under female authority (and humiliated) to become intertwined with his sexual response.

Similarly, I have read accounts of foot fetishists who recall being rocked on a foot by a babysitter. One theory about an origin of a foot fetish is that the first body part a crawling infant encounters upon reaching a caregiver is feet. The comfort associated with such moments might somehow acquire sexual significance.

With the seed sown, new branches can grow. For instance, for the man put underneath the desk, the fundamental attraction is to female authority. Over time mainstream media, porn, or life experiences might expose him to other forms of authority expression, which he may thereon begin to seek. Maybe he sees a film where a woman has a man tied to a chair and slaps him and spits on him, or pees on him, or pushes him to the floor and stands with her foot on his face. He may then want to experience authority or lesser status in these ways.

Woman:I still don’t get it. That’s horrible, degrading and disrespectful! Why would anyone wish for it?

Me: The most obvious motivation for BDSM enthusiasts is the same motivation you have for sexual activities you enjoy: sexual pleasure and gratification. It might create a conflict in them, they might worry about how others will judge them, but what they feel is similar to what you feel when you do whichever generally acceptable sexual expression you enjoy. The arousal is due to what I say earlier about sexual response becoming intertwined with some formative experience, the mechanism for which is unclear. For our purposes, this answer is sufficient: sexual arousal is a powerful motivator.

Furthemore, some respond spiritually, feeling grounded and at peace when they are engaging in BDSM. Some acquire altered states of mind—it’s like getting a buzz from the bodies’ natural drugs, similar to the exhilaration one might feel from a runner’s high or bungee jumping. And some people simply consider BDSM acts to be part of their sexual and romantic expression—when attracted to someone, they wish to express this attraction through these acts for the same reasons you want to hold hands.

Holding hands is a relationship expression and BDSM simply brings additional relationship expressions. In addition to holding hands, couples might engage in biting. In addition to dancing, they might go to a BDSM party where others like them are socializing or playing. These are ways of expressing attraction to their BDSM partner.

At its foundation, BDSM is similar to other social expressions but simply takes different forms. These actions are understood to not be disrespectful but instead positive relationship expressions to express attraction.

Woman: So hitting someone is expressing attraction?

Me: Absolutely. It’s okay for a 180 lbs guy to smack a 350 lbs guy on the butt on the football field because the intention and spirit behind it are known to be friendly. The meaning of the act would be entirely different if done by stranger and it was uninvited. Similarly, an act that may at face seem hostile can instead be a positive gesture that comes from a place of respect, compassion, and fondness. It is not the act but the spirit and intention surrounding the act that define it.

Woman: [Slap]

Me: What was that for?

Woman: I’m trying to tell you I like you.

Men Of A Certain Age

 Posted by on September 3, 2011
Sep 032011
 

By Richard Wagner

There been some interest, on the part of some of my age peers, as to a possible link between masturbation and prostate cancer for us older guys.

I’ve been reading the literature on this topic for years. Every now and again a study will pop up that claims to provide a definitive answer to this perennial question. And then, within a few month of that study, another group of researchers elsewhere will come to different conclusion.

For example, in 2009 a team of researchers at England’s University of Nottingham took a novel approach and looked at whether men with a more elevated sex drive were at higher risk of prostate cancer. They obtained detailed sexual histories from 840 men. About half the men got prostate cancer by age 60, and about half didn’t. While there is no conclusive evidence of a masturbation/prostate cancer link here, there were some other interesting results.

Partnered sex didn’t seem to impact on a man’s prostate cancer risk. But these researchers claim that frequent masturbation did — in different ways, at different times of life. (To this day, I’m unsure how they were able to discern the risk factor of one sexual act as opposed to another, but I digress.) The Nottingham researchers say their study indicates that men in their 20s and 30s who frequently masturbate increase their risk of prostate cancer, but men in their 50s who masturbated frequently decreased their risk.”

Of course, masturbation frequency is relative concept. But in this instance, “frequent masturbation” for men in their 20s, was considered to be two to seven times per week. “Frequent masturbation” for men in their 50s, was considered to be one or more times per week. (I had to ask myself, isn’t there a huge difference between jerkin’ off twice a week and pullin’ your pud seven times a week? I sure think so. But again I digress.)

These researchers say that young men, genetically predisposed to have hormone-sensitive prostate cancer, will be at higher risk if their bodies naturally produce high levels of male hormones — the same hormones that give them an intense sex drive. (But wait; is frequency of masturbation really an adequate indicator of a person’s sex drive. I suggest not. And if the researchers’ conclusions are only applicable for someone predisposed to hormone-sensitive prostate cancer, what if any information can be gleaned for those who aren’t?)

The researchers conclude that it’s not masturbation itself that’s increasing prostate cancer risk in young menhealth. They say that more masturbation may just mean more sex drive — and more androgens bathing prostate tissues. But I suggest that this is way too big a leap to make.

Now let’s compare the Nottingham study with research that came out a year earlier, in 2008. Australian researchers questioned over 1,000 men who had developed prostate cancer and 1,250 men who had not about their sexual habits. They found those who had ejaculated the most between the ages of 20 and 50 were the least likely to develop prostate cancer.

This study suggests that the protective effect of squeezing one off is greatest while we men are in our 20s. In fact, men who ejaculate more than five times a week are a third less likely to develop prostate cancer later in life. As you can see this stands in diametric opposition to the 2009 UK study I site above.

The Australian researchers tell us that ejaculating prevents the buildup of carcinogens in the prostate gland. This is the prostatic stagnation hypothesis, don’t cha know. I mean, just the sound of that makes me want to go touch myself impurely. I’m guessing that none of us want a stagnant prostate. The research suggests that the more we flush out our ducts, the fewer carcinogens there will be to hang around and damage the cells that line our ducts.

Interestingly enough, this is this is not a terribly new concept. A similar connection was found between breast cancer and breastfeeding. Lactating flushes out carcinogens, thus reducing a woman’s risk of breast cancer.

Where does this conflicting data leave us men, both young and older? I’m going to go way out on a limb here and say that, to date, no direct or conclusive connection has been made between masturbation and prostate cancer. The truth of the matter is there are too many variables to control for.

So if researchers haven’t yet found a convincing smoking gun, no pun intended, linking masturbation and prostate cancer, then maybe there isn’t one. And I’ll stake my reputation on a very simple and time-tested axiom. Self-pleasuring is a necessary part of every healthy person’s sexual repertoire. The health benefits of self-pleasuring far outweigh any alleged deleterious effects, especially for men over 50. Play with yourself with abandon; even play with yourself when you are playing with a partner and invite your partner to do the same. And be sure to throw in a hefty dose of prostate massage for good measure, you’ll be glad ya did.

Good luck

Dealing with Poly Distance

 Posted by on September 2, 2011
Sep 022011
 

By Indigo

It’s hard to believe the summer is over. I spent the last two weeks of August traveling throughout Los Angeles and San Francisco, California on a creative, sexy poly adventure without my partner. Sara and I often travel together but since she won her International Leather title, I knew there would be times we would travel on our own. Our August travels would be the first time we would be separated for more than a week by coast. Being poly, we knew we would be having sexual encounters with others.

The dynamic of sleeping with others while you’re primary is out of town can be complicated. On one hand, I love hearing about Sara’s sexy fun times on her travels. Sara is not only my lover and partner, but she’s my friend and I want to always encourage her to have hot, safe sex (mostly so we get to gab about it later!). But when she travels, the distance makes me miss her and sometimes I’m too frustrated to hear how much fun she’s having. Something that helps relieve the tension is re-establishing our ground rules and boundaries before we are apart. We also set up times to talk by phone so we knew when we would hear from each other.

We reviewed our boundaries before our travels and hoped we could maintain our promise to call each other daily. Our travel plans were crazy: Sara attended a contest in LA while I stayed in New York with plans to meet in her on the West Coast a week later. I went to my first event on my own (The Floating World) and I flew out to LA for a brief meeting with Sara before she left for Portland, Oregon to judge a leather contest. Soon after, I flew out to San Francisco and Sara met me out there for a weekend. Last week we flew back to New York together. Welcome to the life of an International Title holder!

Clearly our schedules were hectic and unfortunately, there were a few days we missed our promised phone calls. Most of the time we were both having so much fun, by the end of the day, we were too exhausted to talk to each other. Even so, it takes something to maintain the spark in a relationship with is affected by distance and time. The longer Sara and I were apart, the more important it became that I hear from her daily. During our conversations, we made sure we talked about any perspective partners we were thinking about playing with and checked in with each other to see how the distance was affecting us. Our travels reminded us of the year in our relationship where we were long distance. It was hard but we made it work so we could give distant partnership a chance. Our temporary West Coast adventure was no different.

Though I missed Sara deeply, there are some perks to being separated for a brief period of time. I gained some much needed confidence navigating a play event and play dates on my own. I learned to ask for what I want and communicate the way I want to be treated in and outside the bedroom/play space/dungeon. I found enough peace and quiet in California that kept me writing and creating for days. In between writing, I had amazing sex, ate delicious fresh food and spent time with my new and growing Poly and Leather families. The trip to California was the first break I have had as a handler/IMsL wife since Sara won the contest in March and I had a blast.

Now that we are back in New York and planning our next round of travels, we are better prepared for distance. We are learning that sometimes our original plans to communicate can fall through. As a result, we agreed to keep an open mind about renegotiating our plans throughout our travels to keep the spark in our relationship going.

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