Service Advice

 Posted by on July 18, 2010
Jul 182010
 

Dear Sarah:

As a service submissive I know my voice should be respectful when I’m addressing my dominant, but I have a naturally bratty tone to my voice. What can I do to improve that, and make sure that I sound as polite as I want to?

Oh, the joys of our tone of voice. Very, very few people know what they sound like, and even fewer have even considered changing their tone to become more effective communicators. But like professionals of all types, you’ve determined (whether through feedback from your dominant, or your own self-awareness) that your tone of voice is a potential barrier to the kind of interactions that you crave.

Do you know why your voice is coming across a bit brattier than you want it to? Is it a reaction to stress, a subtle need to challenge your dominant, a reminder to yourself that you retain final control – or something totally different? Do you know when you’re doing it – or are you relying on having someone point it out to you? Take a bit of a look at the times that your tone of voice is less than what you’d like, and try to make note of what’s happening internally when that happens – there may be some core issues to work on, in addition to changing the way that you present yourself vocally.

To work on your actual voice, you’ll want to get a very clear idea of how you sound. You can easily use your computer’s microphone & free recording software to get a better picture of what you sound like; you may even wish to ask your dominant if you may be permitted to record a conversation with them so that you can better identify the particular challenges you want to work on. As you listen to your voice, be mindful of when you sound bratty. Often, it’s our vocal inflection; we accent certain words or parts of sentences in a way that can be construed as sarcasm. We may even find that we can hear a “sneer” when we say some words or phrases.

Once you have a solid awareness of how you sound, it’s time to make changes. The best initial step we can take is to not respond immediately; instead, take a deep breath and release it slowly before speaking, and envision in our minds the respect and attitude that we truly feel towards the person to whom we are speaking, and then say what we need to say. Creating a moment of pause for us to consider what we’re saying, and how, jars our minds into learning a new pattern of communication that meets our needs in better ways. You also may want to examine your word choices as you do this; some words are more prone to be combative than others. I imagine my most passive-aggressive moments when I think of this; saying things like “Fine”, or “If you say so”, or even responding “Yes, Daddy” in some tones of voice can be ways for me to show a lack of respect, rather than my appreciation and willingness to do what is needed.

No change happens quickly, so this may take time; however, if you are honest and open with your dominant about your efforts to make changes to become a more respectful-sounding submissive, I feel pretty certain that they will be pleased with your work, and will be willing to meet you half way in your attempts to learn more appropriate ways to communicate.

Independently Owned and Operated

 Posted by on July 18, 2010
Jul 182010
 

by Viola

A few days ago, my partner and I went to Provincetown, Massachusetts for a day trip. For those who aren’t familiar with the queer fabulousness that is P-town, it’s a picturesque Cape Cod resort destination that caters to the LGBTQ crowd. When you walk down the main street, it looks like it’s Pride weekend, but it’s not – just rainbow-tastic. It’s bear week, and about a thousand bears were there in all of their hairy, unapologetically masculine glory. (Note to self: Write a “Salute to Bears” column…)

It was a perfect day; the sky was blue and nearly cloudless, a perfect 83 degrees with a cool breeze, and the water was warm when I dipped my toes in, thanks to last week’s heat wave. After spending a considerable amount of time smiling at the bears and window shopping in the fancy kitchen gadget store, we stumbled into a small shop called City Video and I proceeded to fall in love with a tshirt.

It’s soft, medium gray heather, fitted, with raglan-style short sleeves. It is, essentially, an old-school gym shirt but instead of “Property of Kennedy High” (or whichever generic school name you can think of) printed on it, in simple red varsity font it reads “INDEPENDENTLY OWNED AND OPERATED.”

A feminist declaration, a “think globally, shop locally” manifesto for City Video, and a slightly ironic take on traditional athletic wear – absolutely. It will also prove to be terribly useful for kink and leather events, as my partner and I are often mistaken for a 24/7 hardcore D/s or M/s couple, with the assumption that she’s the Master/Dominant/Top/Daddy/Sir and I’m the sub/bottom/girl/slave/property. But that’s not how we roll.

The assumption that we’re M/s or D/s is bothersome, not merely because it’s incorrect, but because there’s an implication of an imbalance of power, of ownership, and, specifically, a simplicity – a way of fitting us into the boxes prescribed by the paradigm of the current state of the community. I often wonder about the unspoken assumptions regarding our relationship; would they know that we often have “vanilla” sex? The tendency for my partner to leave the house at 10 am on Saturday mornings, only to return 15 minutes later with bagels from the deli down the street and a medium skim iced mocha with an extra shot of espresso (because Princess Viola needs her coffee in ways you can’t begin to fathom)? That the rare times that we bicker, it’s usually over “real life” stuff and not kink? That she’s much more emotionally vulnerable than I am, or that I call her my “snuggly cuddlemuffin of cuteness” on a regular basis, or that she usually does the dishes?

To many, it seems that our dynamic just doesn’t fit in the right “box.” We have no contract, collar, or protocol; I truly believe that this doesn’t make us any more or less kinky. I think it’s important to specify to the readership that I am kinky, as is she. We have kinky sex – she’s a switch who mostly tops, I’m a bottom who switches occasionally. Sometimes she licks my boots while I call her “boy” and cane her, and many times I’m on my back, naked, begging Sir to fuck her girl harder.

But play is just that – play. When it ends, we go back to being Viola and G, that nice May-September butch/femme couple who will probably bring some variation on the theme of couscous salad to your next potluck, and G will tell some story about an HRC fundraising dinner she went to a few years ago while I smile sweetly, holding her arm, sipping a glass of wine, and making small talk with your neighbor.

So as the seemingly vanilla girl next door, my new tshirt will be a declaration of the control I have over my body and mind. At a kink event, I’ll be with that big butch who will inevitably have to explain that she doesn’t have a girl, and to ask her partner directly if she’d like some coffee, because she’s picky about that sort of thing.

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Myself– Part Two

 Posted by on July 15, 2010
Jul 152010
 

by N

When we last left off, I was embarking on a new journey into the burlesque community after dealing with many years of low self-esteem. I had signed up for the class and was anxiously awaiting the day it would come. I was so nervous at first, the other girls in the class knew everyone in the scene when I knew no one because I didn’t even know a scene existed. This already caused me great amount of stress as I felt that I needed to “keep up” with everyone else’s vast knowledge. I didn’t know what to expect.

The class was a series of 4 sessions. Each session brought you closer to performing on stage, culminating the in final class where you made your burlesque debut and participated in a “graduation ceremony”. The classes explored the history of burlesque, and essentially developing your character. I used the name “Agent N as I was obsessed with spies at the time. This was years before I went as “N”.

Although a sense of confidence was coming through on the outside during the classes, I was terrified on the inside. I had no clue what I was doing and really started to fall into the pattern of “picking” apart at myself again. I wanted to be beautiful; I wanted to light up the stage. I didn’t want to fail at trying, even if it was in a class atmosphere.

I developed an act that I called the “Super Spy Of Sexiness”. The song was a remix of the James Bond theme by Moby. I was a vinyl and latex class sex spy wearing very tall boots that went up to my thighs. It was the costume of my dreams complete with a vinyl trench coat that flattered my figure.

As the classes went on, we had a show and tell of sorts where we performed our act. I was VERY nervous about this. I didn’t want to do it and purposefully sat in the back so that I wouldn’t be noticed. Of course that made me one of the first ones to go and I took a deep breath, got in position and performed. The class was very & it gave me a tiny ego boost that I needed to do it for real.

The day of the show I was a complete wreck!!!! I was so afraid of falling & forgetting my routine. The moments crept up closer as each performer went on stage and had an entire crowd cheer them on. Moments before I went on, I thought I was going to pass out but as they called my newly found stage name. I knew my time had come. I went on stage and began to perform, the crowd was cheering and at one point I began to really feel myself getting into it. The final clothing to be removed was my bra and then I went into an all out tassel twirl. As I was peeling off the bra, one of my pasties “popped”. I was horrified. In that flash of “everything is going wrong”, I turned around and with my one pastie, gave the crowd a tassel twirl to remember, complete with nipple and all! It was in that EXACT moment, I didn’t care, in fact I relished it. I figured that if a pastie can pop, then what else could go wrong?

And that is how I learned to stop worrying and love myself, because when everything goes unexpectedly and you make it you own, the world is your oyster. From then on, each and every performance grew stronger and stronger, and my confidence level boosted. Burlesque was the best thing that ever happened to me.

My Freak Flag is at the Dry Cleaners

 Posted by on July 15, 2010
Jul 152010
 

by Viola

I’m pretty normal. Contrary to the popular belief of the general populous, I didn’t pop out of the womb a freak, nor did I become one.

It’s July in Boston and we’re experiencing a heat wave. I’m wearing a light tan crepe pencil skirt, a tight black camisole, and pearl stud earrings. The face of my watch is a delicate, thin rectangle and is held loosely on my wrist with a thin silver linked band. The sun is shining in the coffee shop, and my tortoise shell rimmed sunglasses match the clip in my hair, a brownish auburn shoulder-length bob. My white gold class ring is on my right hand.

I get mistaken for vanilla a lot. Stereotypes are a bitch, aren’t they?

Seven months ago, I looked about the same. Swap out the summer business casual getup for a black pantsuit. The night I found the scene, I had come from work, and had to attend a meeting with my boss that day. I looked a little bit more powerful than I usually did, though I guess that was appropriate.

Truth be told, I didn’t find the scene – the Washington DC BDSM scene – because of a long-held academic interest, or after finding The Story of O in someone’s dorm room (though at my bucolic New England women’s college, we read the Marquis De Sade for credit as well as extracurricular – ahem – entertainment).

I found the scene because I was tired of having very boring sex.

My sexual experiences until that point were pretty limited to about 4 people, one of whom was great in bed. We had kinky sex, but I was afraid to call it that; it was just good, and it was good all the time. When the relationship ended, I returned reluctantly to the world of vanilla lesbian sex. Yawn.

For the record, I’m sure that lots of vanilla lesbians have great sex, and that a lot of lesbians would have thoroughly enjoyed the sex I was having. I, however, was not content with awkward groping and repetitive games of “you do me, I’ll do you, let’s take turns!” with Dar Williams playing in the background. And I love Dar Williams.

Upon my conclusion that after a few weeks of giddy dating, the sex would never improve, finding the kinky dykes needed to become a top priority. After pinpointing exactly what I wanted, I turned to google.

I wanted to find a few big, swaggering bulldykes who wanted to do dirty things to me and wouldn’t mind that I enjoy eating meat and dropping the occasional f-bomb. Silver crew cuts, sinewy hands, smile lines, heart of gold, and a tendency to wear ties? Yes, please. BYO handcuffs.

I took control of my own previous dissatisfaction – specifically, I had the ability to change it with the help of the internet and a Tuesday evening on Capitol Hill, and that particular evening in December was the end of my “I’m the Bridget Jones of the dyke world” attitude.

After a few blips upon finding the scene, including dating a straight woman (oops) and trying to be a submissive (double oops), I found the leatherdykes, met my partner, started having the best sex of my life, got into law school, moved to Boston, chopped 6 inches of my hair off, became absolutely addicted to cold-brew coffee, and rediscovered the joys of red lipstick, which is a much more flattering accessory than a freak flag.

When I found the scene, my life had to make room for a little more fabulous.

Bike Porn: An Interview with Reverend Phil & Lindsey Benkel

 Posted by on July 12, 2010
Jul 122010
 

by Ms Savannah Sly

This spring, I had the pleasure of watching “Bike Porn III: Cycle Bound”, a touring collection of amateur pornography, curated by Reverend Phil of Portland, Oregon. Ranging from slinky to silly, all of the films shared the common thread of being made for and by enthusiasts of wheels, gears, tight bike shorts and the open road.

Amidst the many films, I was pleased to see a full spectrum of genders, sexual preferences and practices represented. The participants seemed to be having a genuinely good time and amidst the steamy bike shop scenes and sweaty banana seats, I got the distinct impression that Bike Porn was a celebration of freedom, athleticism, personal expression and community.

After the screening, I caught up with Reverend Phil and his co-conspirator Lindsey Benkel for questioning.

Savannah: So Reverend Phil, what makes bicycles such porn-appropriate subjects?

Reverend Phil: Bikes are pretty amazing devices. In many ways, bikes have liberated people. For instance, they’ve helped women not have to wear dresses.

Savannah: Can you elaborate?

Reverence: Well, take a look at women’s clothing. At one point, it was corsets. Then women started riding bikes. Next thing you know, it’s bloomers. Then pants. And that’s because of bikes.

Savannah: Aha! And then bike shorts!

Reverend: Or whatever you like! The important thing is that bikes are directly tied to women’s liberation.

Savannah: There is an especially liberating feeling to flying down the street on a bike.

Reverend: Oh, you know that freedom when you feel it. We work with ideas of freedom and trust; being able to put your trust in someone or something. Trusting that the bike won’t break down. There’s also a feeling of being together.

Savannah: But what’s especially sensual to you, Reverend, about bicycles?

Reverend: Oh, well…I love what they can do for people. I love how they make me feel when I ride them. I enjoy getting where I need to go and feeling like I’ve just been to the gym. I just makes me…so happy. The time that I spend on my bicycle can totally give me space, pause and time to process all of the shit that goes through our minds everyday,

Savannah: Lindsey when did you jump onto the Bike Porn bandwagon?

Lindsey Benkel: I decided it would be something that my community would enjoy, so I reached out to Phil and invited him to come to Pheonix, where we put on a screening of “Bike Porn II: Bikespoitation”. It was fantastic! Everybody loved it. But as I was watching it, I was thinking to myself, “I could make a better video.” So…then I tried my best to do so. (View Lindsey’s Velorotique: http://vimeo.com/4970499)

Savannah: You guys have been touring all over the place with this collection. How has the audience response been?

Lindsey: Sometimes, we have quieter audiences. Usually, if people feel uncomfortable, they tend to get up and leave and let everyone else continue to enjoy the show. It really varies though. For instance, in Boston, everyone was hooting and hollering at the screen, which was great, but we’ve had shows where nobody says a word.

Savannah: Sounds awkward.

Lindsey: Yeah. They just sit there in discomfort for an hour and a half.

Savannah: Were there parts of America that were especially difficult or easy to book?

Reverend: The Mid-Atlantic states were probably the trickiest to book. Cities like D.C. and Baltimore provided a tremendous challenge. There were really restrictive laws about what you could do that made life very difficult for us.

Savannah: Did you ultimately find a venue in those places?

Reverend: Yes.

Savannah: Do you think the conservative laws in those cities reflected on the type of audience that came out to see Bike Porn?

Reverend: In those cases, the show became more of a small, intimate gathering. We’d get around 40 people and it’d be very nice. But, you just KNOW that there are hundreds of more people out there who’d enjoy this…but…they just can’t have it.

Savannah: Is it possible that a lot of people who hear about the show are repelled by the word ‘porn’?

Reverend: People are unnerved by independent media. They’re unnerved by films they can’t immediately understand. But we can’t send out screeners or sell DVDs to help acclimate them beforehand. We just can’t take the risk. If we send out screeners and someone puts it online, we’re abusing the trust of the people who submit the films. So far, we can tell filmmakers that we’ve never had a leak.

Lindsey: If you want to make porn, we don’t want you to have to worry about your mom seeing it.

Savannah: Right, unless she comes to a screening. Do people ever get cold feet and want to recall their submission?

Reverend: Well no, but what we have had people emailing us to say, “well, we made you a porn, but you can’t have it. But, we really appreciated the process and the opportunity to make it.” It’s very frustrating for me but still feels good to give someone the initiative to create something.

Lindsey: The process in itself can be an incredibly fulfilling experience. In my film, I just used my friends. They still tell me, to this day, that the filming was one of the most wonderful, liberating things that they had ever done. It made them feel incredibly sexy and comfortable in their bodies. I think that everybody should at least try to make some porn, even if you’re not going to screen it.

Savannah: Speaking of making porn, Lindsey, I understand that you have some future plans. Could you tell me a bit about your upcoming erotic work?

Lindsey: Yes, I’ve been accepted to the Live Action Short Film Graduate Program at the School of Visual Art. I want to create an entire series of film based upon an erotic affection for inanimate objects. I just experience this so much in my own life. For instance, if you watch someone who’s really into music equipment, someone who works with a mixer maybe, it can be such a sexual experience! They’re putting all of their love and trust into this object, which is something I would like to capture and present to a wider audience. I want to help people feel ok about having intimate feelings for these objects that have provided them with so much joy. The typical standard for how sexuality is defined is incredibly narrow. In movies, there’s very little communication and nobody asks for anything unusual. However, most of us have unusual feelings or desires for certain scenarios, roles, positions…

Savannah: And unusual characters, materials, settings, phrases…

Lindsey: Right, and unusual objects. A lot of people feel awkward asking their partner for the things they want because they seem a little strange. I hope to make those situations a little more comfortable.

Savannah: Before we wrap things up, I have a personal question for Revernd Phil. Reverend, there are any conflicts of interest with being a man of the cloth and a bicycle pornographer?

Reverend: You know, I see conflict in a lot of places. The fact is, sex happens. The only problem that I see is that there’s a culture of silence that prohibits us from being able to understand each other and our desires. When people are not free to express themselves, they get frustrated or confused and may lash out and do horribly thoughtless things. In my mind, a lot of sexual conflict is based upon Puritanical upbringings, feelings on being ‘unclean’, and feeling unable to even talk about sex. Of course, if we didn’t have sex, if we didn’t have desires…we would cease to exist.

Savannah: No nookie, no mankind.

Reverend: Exactly. In fact, Lindsey has a great little monologue on the sexualization of inanimate objects and how pure of an idea that actually is.

Lindsey: Well, for me, having sexual affection for an inanimate object is so beautiful because, technically, it doesn’t give you anything in return. I feel incredible affection for my bicycle. I clean it all the time and I love on it, but it’s never going to tell me that it loves me back. A lot of people justify a human relationship because it’s a means to an end.

Reverend: Yeah, you can’t reproduce with your bike, so some people can’t see why an erotic relationship would be worthwhile.

Lindsey: Right, but while having sex with your bike might never result in children, it can be a truly pleasurable experience.

Savannah: It must also be nice to know that you’re not laying your emotional baggage on anyone.

Lindsey: Exactly. It’s a very safe, pleasurable experience. And it can be very intimate.

Reverend: It can be whatever you want it to be.

Savannah: So many possibilities! Anonymous, cold encounters with new bikes, for instance…

Lindsey: Hah, yeah, I have a very kinky Dominant relationship with my bike.

Savannah: You tell it what to do?

Lindsey: Yeah. I’m on top.

Savannah: Well thank you both so much for sharing your insights and this colorful collection of films

Lindsey: Thanks for having us.

Reverend: Sharing beautiful art is a terrible burden that we’re willing to accept.

As of the publication of this interview, Bike Porn 4:Play will have had it’s world premier. Visit www.bikeporntour.blogspot.com for more details.

official Bike Porn 3 Trailer

Image Credit: still from Lindsey Benkel’s bike porn film, Velorotique

Power Exchange and the Goddess

 Posted by on June 23, 2010
Jun 232010
 

by Ms. Minx

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Selina Minx. I am an internationally known priestess and mistress. I have recently been invited to share my ideas about spirituality and sexuality with the community of the Kink Academy. I am thrilled to have a forum for sharing my insights and experiences, as much of my focus is too esoteric for a general readership.

My spiritual path is embodying the Goddess and basically has been since my first visionary experiences in my late teens in the deserts of California. The first Goddess which appeared to me was Oblivion, the void herself. Her presence seemed to beckon me, emanating a promise that she would communicate great wisdom if I could surrender and enter her deep waters. This occasional Divine Female presence helped me moor myself in a world which is only recently coming to know and accept a woman’s true powers. So many of our wise women, and their remedies are lost after years of misguided patriarchy. But I digress.

Shortly after my awakening I discovered another ancient method of brain change/emotional release in the SM subculture of the west coast. Sadomasochism has titillated the sexual underground for the last several hundred years, and been in the rites of indigenous folks for tens of thousands of years. The use of pagentry, endorphins and adornment have been a part ceremonies all over the planet, and in Hollywood California a particularly unique manifestation defines the local culture. Men and Women each adorn themselves to spectacular extents to embody their ideals. Local drag queens, dykes, tattoed freaks, leather folk, poly folk, kinksters, fetishists, porn stars, wanna-be’s, fags, womyn all make for a gorgeous spread of humanity. And in this milieu there is a special place for the dominatrix. She is unique in her single minded expression of a very old archetype. The warrior queen.

The rites of passage which are undergone by more ancient cultures are encoded into our dna. The risk-taking of teen years, the midlife crisis, motherhood, old age. These life changing transitions were for thousands of years marked by rites of passage. Simple ceremonies which demarcated the end or beginning of a new phase of life. It is extremely powerful to experience an ordeal in which one is forced one to express a skill set or quality necessary for their next phase. Sadomasochism allows us to reclaim this ancient rite in a modern context.

The dominatrix allows us to access this ancient archetype of the warrior woman. A Queen, unquestioned in her power. Desireable, Powerful, in control, capable of cruelty and sexiness, seductive but not accessible. As I embody this archetype, becoming this impenetrable, fiery martial Goddess, invoking fear and powerlessness in the men who cower at my feet, a part of me goes away, surrendering to the ageless Goddess which fills me.

Female “power” isn’t what you think it is. The lovely fitted clothes, sweetly encased arms and legs and waists and feet is only decoration for the energy of female magnetic power. We draw you to us, as we draw resources and experiences to ourselves. Our energy, as women, is essentially magnetic. If this basic physical magnetic energy is combined with the intention to seduce, confuse or otherwise gain power over another being then the effect is assured.

There are many other archetypes which powerfully focus a person’s being so that they embody an unmistakably higher or more pure vibration which are useful in SM including the compassionate Mother Goddess, the seductive Erotic Goddess, the Innocent Sacrifice, the destroyer Warrior Goddess etc. There is great power and effect also in the basic feminine characteristics of receptivity as well. Ideally I am fluid and meld with the needs of my play-partners and clients, even as I enact the Goddesses I feel called to bring into play.

This combination of passionate spirituality, sexual adventurousness and a calling into the service of humanity has created a rather unique viewpoint from which I will be sharing my ideas with you over the upcoming new moons. I look forward to expanding these ideas as we continue on our journey together.

Blessings,
Ms SM

Enjoy Service, Dislike Assignments

 Posted by on June 4, 2010
Jun 042010
 

“I enjoy service submission, but sometimes dislike the actual assignments given by Dominants. How do I do things well, when I don’t want to do it?”

That’s totally an understandable situation. I personally hated cleaning the glass & frames for the artwork in my Leather Daddy’s house, to the point where I would literally have to fight myself to do it – so I definitely can relate! Here are a few things to think about…

· What is it about the assignment that you don’t like? Is it that you don’t know how to do it easily / efficiently or that you don’t feel that your work is up to their expectations? Is it that you feel like it’s a waste of your time & talents to do that task? Or is it simply a case of disliking the task itself? Spend a little time thinking about it, and figuring out what the real issue is. By all means, if it’s a lack of knowledge or skill, bring this up with your dominant and ask them if they can guide you in finding a better way to do it, or if they would mind you requesting assistance from someone who is more experienced.

· There is one reason that an assignment may be distasteful that should be immediately brought to the dominant’s attention: the crossing of a personal boundary. If you believe that the task you’ve been given to complete crosses a significant boundary, you owe it to your dominant to address this with them. They may not realize that the assignment represents a line that you don’t want to cross; they may also have conceived of the task differently than you understand it to be. In either case, an honest conversation about how the assignment makes you feel is important to the building of your trust in your dominant – and theirs in you.

· Consider the many reasons that a dominant may give you to do a task. Sometimes it’s because the task is necessary for the dominant to have the quality of life they wish; sometimes it is because the dominant does not have the time or skills to do the job as well as you may be able to do it. And, on occasion, an assignment is given to a submissive or slave in order to see how they handle certain tasks; I often start new service people on more simple, menial tasks to see how they conduct themselves and whether they’re committed to our agreement before giving them projects that are more important to me, or more suited to their talents.

· Look at your long-term goal. Many submissives feel called to service because they want for their dominant to have an easier life, or to make their home or office more comfortable for them. Some submissives like to know that their work makes their dominant proud. Still others desire the affection & approval that comes from a job well done. In any case, letting the ego get in the way of those goals – by telling us that we are better than the task we’ve been given, or by becoming stubborn about their completion – can become incredibly counter-productive. Focusing on moving past our own ego challenges can bring us more into the state of mind where we can understand the value and humility in our service, and reap the rewards – personal esteem, the knowledge that our dominant is happy because of our work, and the understand of how important our work is – even the little things!

-Sarah Sloane, © 2010

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Myself

 Posted by on June 3, 2010
Jun 032010
 

by N

I am a burlesque performer, a burlesque performer who measurements do not fall into the category of 36-24-36 but more like 43-36-42. I am a size 12 and not a size 2. My stomach pops out and from certain angles, makes me look more pregnant than toned. My ass is full of cellulite and my arms are flabby. From “society” standard, I am plus size and from the normal American magazines point of view, I should be stuffing myself with fad diets and Slimfast.

The constant pressure to be thin, toned and perfect would make any woman feel ashamed of her body, and for me it was no different. For years I longed for a nose job, liposuction and a host of other plastic surgery options. I hated my body and I hated my face. I always had an excuse for staring at myself in the mirror meticulously picking apart at myself.

It continued on way into my early 20’s with the constant picking and the constant self-criticizing. My self-esteem was at an all time low. The strange part was that I thought that it was completely normal to hate myself. I thought that this was part of being an adult woman.

It was then during my mid-20’s that I longed for a newer sense of my creativity and began fetish modeling. Through exploring my latex clothing fetish and posing for provocative pictures, a new version of my degraded self-esteem began to emerge. I began to “like” the way I looked and that was a foreign sensation to me. I had never looked at myself and especially in such imagery and complimented myself!  I began to like this and wanted more.

After more and more photographs were taken, I began to bore of posing. It wasn’t satisfying the hunger that it first gave me. After 2 years of driving all around the state and beyond to work with countless respected photographers, this growing feeling inside needed to sprout in a big big way but I had no clue as to what exactly that was.

Myspace at the time was THE website to be on….this was before Facebook and Twitter. As if there was a time before twitter, but I rest my case. I found an ad for burlesque classes and something in me just clicked. There was a moment when the lightbulb in my head turned on and I knew I didn’t find the random ad by accident. I knew right there and then that I found my calling, though I didn’t even know where to start. This journey would take me into the next incarnation of my evolution as the artist known only as N.

Stay Tuned for Part Two on how burlesque changed my life and gave me a renewed sense of self-worth, confidence and a sexy booty shake!

Screening Your Play Partners

 Posted by on June 2, 2010
Jun 022010
 

OR  How to Avoid Becoming a Defendant in a Wrongful Death Suit

Playing hard and getting your bottom’s heart rate up to a respectable level with pain, fear or sexual excitement is not a bad thing and often the goal of a scene.  How do you know your play partner can handle what you’re giving?  I’m sure most people’s idea of safe, sane and consensual doesn’t involve a medical complication, a conversation with a 9-1-1 operator or a visit with the paramedics and a significant emotional event.  The goal of this brief paper is to give you a medically based, logical approach to estimating the risk of playing with a given sub.  This system is based on a pre-operative risk assessment used in primary care that places patients into risk categories based on their history, functional capacity and the physical demand of the type of procedure they are about to endure.  This system is easy to understand, not time consuming and gives you an estimate of how hard you can push a potential play partner.  This article is not meant to be a substitute for an office visit with a physician.  I would recommend that if there is any question about a person’s ability to tolerate strenuous activity that they consult their physician and obtain medical clearance before engaging in said play.

The first step in any screening is a taking a detailed history from your potential bottom.  The history is 90% of this process and honest answers from a submissive when answering medical history questions is essential.  It may be valuable to emphasize this to your play partner and explain to them that this process isn’t about disqualifying them from play, but more about finding the safe level of play for them to avoid unwanted complications.  Age is important.  Among patients over 40, the risk of a cardiac event after an operation has been estimated at 1.4% and post-operative cardiac death was 1%.  That’s not insignificant, but he when the American College of cardiologists and the American Heart Association came up with their perioperative guidelines a listed in age 70 years old is a minor predictor of cardiovascular disease that had not been definitively proven to independently increase the perioperative risk of cardiac event.  More significant than a person’s age is their medical history.  Major predictors of myocardial infarction include a recent myocardial infarction (heart attack) or severe angina.  Recent myocardial infarction is usually defined as within 6 months.  If a person undergoes a stressful event such as in operation within 3 months of having a heart attack they have 36% chance of having another heart attack and dying, but if they wait until 6 months after having a heart attack to engage in stressful activity this risk drops to 5%.  Severe angina is uncontrolled or unstable angina.  This is chest pain that is unpredictable or increasing in severity and should give anyone pause.  If someone has ever had chest pain is not necessarily a disqualifying symptom.  There are many causes of chest pain and most of them are noncardiac in origin.  If someone admits to chest pain, ask about a recent stress test.  If a person has had a stress test, especially a stress echo or a thallium stress test within the last 1-2 years and it was normal, it is much more reassuring that they did not have cardiac disease and are safer to engage in intense play.

Other major risk factors predicting cardiac events include the presence of arrhythmias and recent procedures such as cardiac stenting.  Diabetes is one of the most important medical conditions to inquire about when taking a medical history from a new play partner.  The person that has diabetes mellitus should be treated as a person that has the equivalent of coronary artery disease.  Many diabetics will only require oral hypoglycemics (pills) to control their diabetes.  Diabetics that require treatment with insulin to control her blood sugar have a more severe disease and have a major predictor for cardiac complication.  It is worth asking diabetics about episodes of hypoglycemia and keeping a ready source of sugar on hand, such as orange juice, hard candy or glucose tablets, when playing with these individuals because stress can induce hypoglycemic states. Diabetics need kink too, but taking precautions will minimize the risk to these individuals.

In the course of taking a medical history of maybe worthwhile to ask the person when was the last time that they visited a physician and had a routine checkup.  It always amazes me the number of people that I see who had not been to a physician in the last 20 years and I wind up diagnosing with serious medical conditions such as diabetes.  When interviewed, these patients always deny having any serious, chronic medical conditions and are surprised when I tell them that they have uncontrolled diabetes.  Finally we should briefly discuss the risk of obesity.  The prevalence of coronary artery disease and its risk factors is greatly increased in obese people.  The obese are also less likely to engage in routine physical activity and will most likely have a decreased capacity for intense activity.  It is worth noting that an obese person that regularly engages in strenuous exercise is less at risk then person within normal body mass index but doesn’t exercise at all. So it is important to take a detailed history and to emphasize to potential play partners the need to answer medical questions honestly.

The next step in screening involves assessing a person’s functional capacity.  This is a lot like judging their ability to endure future play based on past performance.  In general when I am trying to clear somebody for a major operation I simply ask him questions.  Can you climb 2 flights of stairs or walk 4 blocks without becoming winded?  If they answer yes I know that they have good functional capacity to handle the stress of a significant operation.  One metabolic equivalent or MET is defined as 3.5 ml O2 uptake/ kg per minute.  What does that mean? Here are some other activities that will give you an idea of what a MET means.  If a person can dress, eat and use the toilet without exhaustion they are capable of achieving 1 MET.  Not sure how many METS are required for toilet play… If a person can walk up one flight of steps or walk up a small hill they can achieve 4 METS.  This is the usual cut off point for clear somebody for surgery.  If a person cannot achieve 4 METS they’re at increased risk for cardiac complication from surgery.  If a person can perform heavy work around the house such as scrubbing floors lifting and moving heavy furniture without exhaustion a can achieve between 4 and 10 METS.  Someone engaging in strenuous sports such as swimming, single status, football, basketball and skiing is capable of achieving > 10 METS.  So it is important to ask a person about their exercise habits.  If they exercise regularly and can achieve > 10 METS they’re a good candidate for intense play.  The prospect of intense play is the sole motivation for me continuing regular exercise!

The last part of the screening is not really based on medical research.  In preoperative screening I would estimate the risk of the given procedure.  It is easy to see that vascular surgery or abdominal surgery, such as an appendectomy, would be more strenuous to a person than a more minor procedure such as cataract surgery.  There really aren’t any studies that report on the physical demands of CBT versus inverted suspension while being single tailed.  I’ve often wondered about the physical demands of things like intense breath play, and have even thought of ways to study the effects of this type of play, but sadly nothing has made it into the medical literature yet.  (If anyone has any experience with writing grant proposals to the NIH, I’d love to see if he could figure out the wording on something like this!)  High-risk procedures include vascular surgeries and often result in perioperative cardiac death or nonfatal myocardial infarction.  Intermediate risk procedures generally carry a risk of between 1 and 5% rate of cardiac death or nonfatal myocardial infarction.  These procedures include head and neck surgery, intraperitoneal and intrathoracic surgery, orthopedic surgery and prostate surgery.  Low risk surgeries include surgeries that carry a less than 1% risk of cardiac death or nonfatal myocardial infarction.  These procedures include ambulatory surgeries (same day surgeries), superficial surgeries, cataract surgeries and breast surgeries.  You’re just going to have to use your best judgment to estimate the risk of the type of play you are going to engage in.  The more intense edgier scenes the results a profound submissive response and endorphins release are going to equate more with a higher risk procedure.  Keep in mind that while some scenes can be very intense it is hard to imagine one that would approach the risk of a high-risk surgery such as an aortic aneurysm repair, although I’ve seen some scenes that would.

In conclusion, prior to engaging in intense play with a new play partner it is wise to medically screen them first.  If they have risk factors, have a low functional capacity, or if the type of scene you have planned in particularly demanding or long in duration, it may be prudent to have the prospective sub medically screened by a physician to avoid an unwanted complication and minimize the risk of play.  The difference in risk can be significant.  For example a person with no risk factors that undergoes a relatively minor procedure may only have a 0.4% chance of having a cardiac event during or after the procedure.  A person with several risk factors, things like history of a heart attack, history of heart failure, ongoing chest pain, diabetes requiring insulin, a history of kidney issues  or undergoing a high risk procedure, may have a risk as high as 5.4%.  I’m not suggesting that you avoid playing with people that may have medical issues.  What I am advocating is to take precautions if you do and to minimize the risk to them and to you.  After all it’s about having a good time and not really about getting the opportunity to practice your CPR!

Sacred Cows

 Posted by on March 25, 2010
Mar 252010
 

By Richard Wagner

The most contentious hot button issue for the Roman Catholic hierarchy today is gay marriage. The pope and his bishops stand united, at least publicly, in vehement opposition. But that’s as far as the unanimity goes. Your typical church going lay Catholic isn’t all that up in arms about gay marriage. Surveys show that Catholics are more accepting of LGBT people than any other Christian group such as a May 2010 Gallup Poll in which 62 percent of Catholics said gay and lesbian relationships are morally acceptable. That’s a 16 percent increase from just four years ago.

Why the big disconnect between the leadership and the laity? Good question. First off, the Magisterium, the teaching authority of the Church is in a dogmatic bind. The procreative nature of sex is the bedrock issue of Catholic sexual morality. There can be no legitimate expression of sex outside the confines of heterosexual marriage. And even within a marriage, all sexual expression must be open to procreation. (See last month’s article — Sins Of The Flesh)

Church leadership opposes homosexual activity because it is “intrinsically disordered and an abuse of our human nature”. And marriage is “a conduit through which God’s grace flows to the couple and their children”. So you can see that in the mind of the bishops, the two concepts “gay” and “marriage” really are mutually exclusive. That’s why they have used their moral influence and deep pockets to push for bans on same-sex marriage and even civil unions in states from California to Maine.

The bishops argue that the law influences what is socially permissible and acceptable. “In effect, giving same-sex unions the legal status of marriage would grant official public approval to homosexual activity and would treat it as if it were morally neutral.”

But there is a growing groundswell of vocal Catholics urging mutiny against the hierarchy on this issue. Much like in the early 1970’s when activists formed Dignity, a worship-based support system for gay Catholics; Equally Blessed, a coalition of faithful Catholics who support full equality for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people both in the church and in civil society was born this past September.

The majority of lay Catholics are at loggerheads with the hierarchy because the two groups keep talking past each other. The bishops insist on defending their interpretation of the unique meaning and purpose of marriage, i.e. “a faithful, exclusive lifelong union of a man and woman” who “commit themselves completely to each other and to the wondrous responsibility of bringing children into the world and caring for them”. And lay activists focus on compassion and human rights. Each group believes the other is missing the point.

It’s not surprising then that public relations snafus, like the one that happened in September, occur. Archbishop John Nienstedt, of the Saint Paul and Minneapolis archdiocese, and his fellow bishops in Minnesota mailed out 400,000 DVDs, explaining the Church’s position on the institution of marriage. Every registered Catholic family in their state received one. The DVD appeared to simply defend the Church’s position, but most people saw it as a ham-fisted attempt to influence the upcoming election. This sparked an equally high profile *”Return the DVD”* (http://returnthedvd.org/) campaign, which questions the Church’s priorities and plans to make art from the returned DVDs. They ask; How could the over $1 million spent to distribute these DVDs have benefited the poor?

As one would expect, the American Catholic hierarchy is playing hardball. They simply will not countenance decent. Pro-gay priests are being silenced or removed from ministry. Inclusive worship communities, like Dignity, are being exiled from Church property. Organizations like New Ways Ministry, a gay-positive ministry of advocacy and justice for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender Catholics, has been vilified and their loyal opposition denigrated. Even the artist who suggested the DVD sculpture in Minnesota was suspended from her artist-in-residence job at the Basilica of St. Mary in Minneapolis. And some of the lay faithful are being denied the sacraments for their conscientious objection to this church teaching.

This is pretty much business as usual for Church leadership. But the opposition shows no sign of caving. If anything they appear emboldened by the example of nuns who broke with the Catholic bishops by supporting the health-care overhaul Congress passed last March.

In the end, a detente will no doubt settle in as it has in all the countries that have already adopted same-sex marriage — Argentina, Belgium, Canada, Iceland, Netherlands, Norway, Portugal, South Africa, Spain and Sweden. In the meantime, however, Catholics of conscience know that they are in the midst of a struggle every bit as significant as the struggle against segregation. For them sexual orientation is as much a part of a person’s identity and humanity as the color of that person’s skin or his/her gender. Clearly they have plenty of work ahead of them as they demand the Church leadership to live up to the most basic standards of human decency.

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