Where have all the Bond Girls gone?

 Posted by on February 10, 2013
Feb 102013
 

istock_000019279012small-300x199-7289370James Bond movies have never been known to represent women’s rights or champion gender equality, but at least lately they have seen an uprise in stronger and more positive female roles. That’s why Skyfall comes as such a surprise – a swift and definitive return to the days of Octopussy, one that may signal, I’m afraid, a new wave of main stream cultural oppression of women and women’s sexuality.

In Skyfall, women are punished for every inch of betrayal against their socially established feminine roles. They die gratuitously: “what a waste of good whiskey,” Bond exclaims after his lover is shot in front of him. Their masculine skills are undermined — “I, for one, feel safer without you in the field,” Bond tells Moneypenny after she wounds him, having followed orders and taken a very difficult shot. But even more brutal is their punishment for taking on power —  “mommy has been bad,” Silva says about M as he tries to kill her for making a rational decision that men in her position have to make all the time.

In the end (spoiler alert!), Silva’s mistress is shot moments before Bond finally decides it’s time to take down the bad guys, Moneypenny is relegated to the role of a glorified secretary, and M is killed by her “prodigal son” Silva in an Oedipal complex scenario gone wrong, and then conveniently replaced by her male alter-ego, M(allory). More than that, youth is punished, its arrogance and lack of foresight revealed (it’s young Q who lets the bad guys into the network system), while old cars, old houses, and old secret agents save the day, not through abundance of talent or dexterity, but their manly solidity and brute stubbornness. Even without his super-agent skills, Bond is able to kill Silva by stabbing him in the back with a knife (I love Silva’s reaction to such a crude death — he seems more annoyed at the method than upset by the fact that he lost). And Daniel Craig, though my favorite eye-candy, is a perfect actor for the part — his Bond is not the suave, elegant super-agent of Pierce Brosnan, but the rough, un-aristocratic, manly man.

However, this superficial return to good old-fashioned gender roles for some reason doesn’t bring back the sexuality of older Bond films. Skyfall, in fact, is completely devoid of sex. There are three sexually suggestive scenes Bond has with women, which last all of 2 seconds and lack any erotic qualities. The sexiest one of them by far is his shaving scene with Moneypenny, which shows no skin, but has just enough of the BDSM tint to make it kinky. Naomie Harris plays Moneypenny with quite a bit of quick wit and feisty sexuality, but in the end, the power dynamic of this scene is blatantly obvious — while she may be the one holding the razor, he is most definitely the one in charge.

No, the female lead and latest Bond girl of Skyfall is no other than Silva, played by the sexy Javier Bardem. As my favorite review of the film stated, Silva is both “a babe and a Bond villain to boot who wants to fuck Bond and kill him.” He is compelling in his sexuality — the way he flirts with 007, the seductive ways that he touches him, his eroticized silver voice…. He is a man confident in his skin, both masculine at times and flamboyantly gay, witty, playful, brilliant, strong. Of course he must be a psychopath and a super-villain. Feminine sexuality, even in a male body, must be punished and contained, lest it disturb the Old Boy’s Club of our hetero-normative society.

February Beauty Item Finds

 Posted by on February 6, 2013
Feb 062013
 

2013-01-22-17-20-53-300x199-1039265I’m pale, y’all. Pale with the delicate skin of a hothouse orchid. OK, that’s an utter exaggeration except for the pale part. My skin is sensitive but in the dry skin, alligator kind of way. Not a pretty orchid way, because that would just be awesome and ethereal. No, I spend a couple hours out in the wintery landscape and my skin turns dry and scratchy. Sometimes even red and irritated. Add to that some stress and not enough water… my face is a situation, folks.

This means that I’ve been on a quest for good skincare products almost all my life. I didn’t know it in my twenties that my skin would change by the time I got to my *cough* thirty-whatevers. And I’m positive it’s going to change again over the next several decades. SIGH. One thing’s for certain, it ain’t getting suppler and more moisturized. Alas, it’s quite the opposite.

This month’s installment of A Kink in the Curves is about my skincare finds for the fine month of February. It’s dark, dreary and cold for those of you living in the Western Hemisphere with me. I’m here to help you cope with several products that are saving my skin literally. Sure, I’ve sunk some chunks of cash into spas and their designer skincare lines, but we freelance writers can’t always afford such luxuries. And honestly, many of them aren’t worth the fancy packaging and hefty price tag. I’ve had the most success performance-wise and budget-wise with these over-the-counter products that can be found at your local drugstore or retail chains like Target.

J.R. Watkins’ Sugar and Shea Body Scrub – In the winter, you need to exfoliate more. This is a skincare step that I often forget, particularly for the rest of my body besides my face. Shaving exfoliates a large area of skin, but in the winter, all your parts need some extra tlc. The beauty of this scrub is that it contains coconut oil so not only are you scrubbing AND moisturizing, but you get to smell like you’re somewhere tropical. Maybe even with sunshine and a cocktail in hand.

c. Booth’s Honey and Almond Body Butter – The packaging of this creamy gem promises “extra rich and extra thick… this buttery body cream will smooth away unbecoming flaky skin and moisturize-leaving a silky, supple finish.” It absolutely delivers. Unlike other ‘all natural’ concoctions, this doesn’t separate and the smell is subtle. I use it right out of the shower, and I’m totally in love with it. In fact, I’m going monogamous with this body butter. We are THAT serious.

Bio-Oil – This oil was originally marketed to decrease the appearance and smooth-out scars, stretch marks and age spots. It also works really, really well on dry skin. I stumbled across it in an ad in a magazine. The ad featured a letter written by a woman who lived somewhere with arctic temperatures, like Milwaukee, and she swore up and down that Bio-Oil was the only way she survived the winters there. I’ve used this oil ever since and have had great results. I apply it twice daily: once in the morning after I wash my face, and again in the evening after washing my face. It’s absorbed easily and quickly. My only complaint is that if I use it right before I apply my makeup, it causes mascara smudges at the corners of my eyes. Despite that minor grievance, however, I’m going to be a lifelong devotee of Bio-Oil.

 

Unmarried?

 Posted by on February 4, 2013
Feb 042013
 
istock_000007813019small-300x225-8200873A friend mentioned to me that he was recently filling out some tax forms that had a check box for “single” under the category of relationship status. This reminded him of a time when similar forms did not use the word “single” but instead, they used the word “unmarried.” It’s good to see that, of all things, tax forms are trying to keep up with the sensitivity of changing labels (though they have a long way to go when it comes to our transgender community), but what of our own beliefs about ourselves? How many of us don’t view singleness as something to embrace and enjoy, but pretty much view it as “less than marriage.”
Indeed, I’ve worked with clients who’s expectations of the perfect partner are so outrageous, that every minute of every day seems to be a constant awareness of what they do not have. They have so convinced themselves of the rightness of this ideal that they truly do not know why they feel so miserable. They are so sure their needs are to be met by this romantic other that they have grown accustom to living half a life, much of it spent waiting for the other half to arrive. Leaving all the possibility of sexual satisfaction in the hands of that person who may or may not ever come along seems so socially acceptable, that they are sincerely baffled as to why their sexual functioning has all but shut down.
I know a workaholic that is waiting until he meets Mrs. Right before he takes any vacation time or spends any of his money. I know of another gentleman who’s standard for a boyfriend is so high — his visage of a partner is so perfect that he’s too intimidated to talk to any possible prospect. Now in his 50’s he has yet to have any lasting romantic relationship. Lots of people pass up the opportunities to bond and make solid friendships (some could even have sexual benefits) because they think these friendships are “less than” a romantic relationship. Few ever find their ideal, but they cling to it while at the same time complaining about isolation.
Truthfully, I know very few people who do not feel some kind of nondescript tug toward conformity — myself included. “We all should be in a relationship.” Why? Because we live in a society which still believes that one man and one woman monogamously forever is the only valid kind of relationship. Anything outside that model (even if it’s two, same-gendered people) carries the potential to make us feel “less than.” It’s crazy too, especially when only about half the heterosexual population doesn’t even come close to what is exalted as the ideal.
What about those who’s experiences of relationship, whether familial or romantic have been so bad, that they are perfectly content to be single for the rest of their lives. Hypothesize all you like about how they should get therapy or need healing, but any way you psycho-babble it, you’re judging them as “less than.” If we are going to truly celebrate diversity, we have got to make room in our acceptance for people who are healthy and happily single.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not against relationships. Connecting intimately with others is probably one of the greatest experiences in life. But clinging to too high an ideal is not, and neither is letting that ideal make you feel lousy as a single person. I’m also not suggesting that being content and happy right now as a single person means giving up on finding meaningful relationships. It’s simply living a full and robust life without waiting around for someone to show up to validate it. Right now in this moment you can be happy, worth-while, content, and more than acceptable just as you are, with or without a partner. By the way, generating and sustaining this kind of contentment is far more sexy, and a lot more attractive (not to mention a lot more fun) than spending all your energy feeling that you’ll never be complete unless you find Prince/ss Charming.
Live it up right now whatever your relationship status. Bond with your friends. Bond with anyone around you. Who knows where it will take you? Enjoy and exploit all the upsides to singleness and give the downsides as little power as possible. All of us — all of humanity — will spend a significant amount of our lives single. Don’t get trapped feeling “less than” about it. Rather, choose to make it the best time of your life!

Prostitution & Professional Domination

 Posted by on January 30, 2013
Jan 302013
 

istock_000016147943small1-300x198-4173697In Rhode Island, by an oversight of the criminal code indoor prostitution was legal until just recently;  in Reno Nevada it’s still legal. Next door in California, anyone convicted of prostuitution could face up to one year in prison and $1,000 fine.  Las Vegas and Atlantic City used to be the only places you could gamble in the United States.  In Colorado and Washington State, recreational marijuana is now legal, whereas in nearby Idaho, you can do up to 1 year for possession of any amount of Marijuana.    The point is, while the feds are slowly getting into the game, the majority of vice crime – drugs, gambling, and yes, sex, are regulated and prosecuted at the state level.

What does this mean for an aspiring professional dom?  It means you need to know the laws where you intend to work.  In some states, working as a professional dominatrix, even if there is no sex, can leave you vulnerable to charges of prostitution, whereas in some states, fee-for-service sado-masochism is explicitly excluded from prostitution.   Let’s compare the laws of Massachusetts with New York.   In Massachusetts, the prostitution statute, MGL 272 S. 53A, begins “Whoever engages, agrees to engage or offers to engage in sexual conduct with another person in return for a fee…”  The statute doesn’t define “sexual conduct,” however in a case,  Com. v. Lavigne (1997) 676 N.E.2d 1170, the court wrote that in deciding whether or not something was “sexual conduct,” a judge could look at the “entire circumstances..apply common understanding…and could draw inferences and conclusions based on common sense and life experience.”  In other words, the judge can just.. kinda… decide.  Of course, in deciding, the judge looks at the definition of “sexual conduct” in other Massachusetts laws, like in the obscenity statute, where the definition includes “flagellation or torture in the context of a sexual relationship” (MGL 272 S. 31).  In other words, in Massachusetts, working as a professional dom does leave you vulnerable to laws against prostitution.

So what about New York?  In New York, just like in Massachusetts, a person is guilty of prostitution if that person “engages or agrees or offers to engage in sexual conduct with another person in return for a fee.”  NY Penal Law 230.00.  Similar to Massachusetts, “Sexual Conduct” is not defined for this particular statute – and so in deciding whether or not something is “Sexual Conduct,” a court would look to case law.  However in New York, there’s a nifty case, State v. Georgia A., 621 N.Y.S. 2d 779 (1994) which held explicitly that “sado-masochistic acts such as foot licking, spanking, domination and submission do not appear to fit within category of “sexual conduct” referred to in prostitution statute.”  So if you’re in New York, working as a professional dom does not necessarily leave you vulnerable to laws against prostitution.  Go New York!

The problem is that most states do not have cases like Georgia A.  And many states seem to give courts freedom to define “sexual activity” as they will. The upshot of this is that if you’re working as a professional dom, you really should investigate the laws in your area – ask others working in the area, do a bit of research yourself – heck, even contact your local librarian (try: sexlawlibrarian@gmail.com, for example).  Have a contingency plan – a “what if…” – in other words, have – or at least know of an attorney you could contact if you need to.  Need a list?  Yet another plug for the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom and the lawyers section of their Kink Aware Professional s directory.   But again, ask around – others working in your area (by which I mean jurisdiction, your state, not just others doing what you’re doing).  The worst-case-scenario, the “What if…” is never a good dream – but knowing the law & having somewhere to turn, can keep it from being a nightmare.

A Love for Mary

 Posted by on January 28, 2013
Jan 282013
 

istock_000000110325medium-600x450-300x225-1760678Recently I volunteered at my daughter’s Catholic nursery school and spent the day helping children and teachers with the day’s activities. My favorite time was sitting in a circle, listening to a story about hibernating bears and singing songs. There was a song that said “good morning” to God, and they genuflected before and after singing it. The teacher moved deliberately through the crossing motion, making certain that the children could follow, as did I. “In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Amen.” At the very end I planted a kiss on the knuckle of my thumb as a small sign of honor to Mary, and I felt the gazes of several small people on me as they watched with curiosity.

The knuckle kiss was something I learned when I lived in South America where the veneration of Mary is more obvious than it is in the States. The motion is ingrained to the point where I do it instinctively and without much thought. I wasn’t about to go into an explanation at nursery school circle time, but it was a helpful reminder to me of one of my favorite aspects of worshiping as a Catholic—the Virgin Mary.

Acknowledgement of Mary in daily worship is part of what attracted me to Catholicism in the first place. Despite her crucial role in the Immaculate Conception and as the mother of God, not a lot is said about Mary in the Bible. I often wondered about that when I was growing up, struggling with my fears about fitting in and finding my way. Mary became pregnant somewhere between the ages of twelve and fourteen while she was still a virgin and engaged to be married. I tried to put myself in her place, imagining what it must have felt like to break this news to her betrothed. Not only was she pregnant without sex, she was impregnated by God. The idea blew my mind as a pre-adolescent, and it still blows my mind today.

The symbolism of Mary in Catholicism is obedience to God’s will. Despite her youth and inexperience, she accepted the mantel of birthing the Son of God. She also knew that His path as the Savior would lead Him on challenging and dangerous paths. As a mother, giving my own child the space to make her mistakes and forge her way can sometimes be in direct opposition to my fierce protectiveness of her. And I have a regular toddler. That sacrifice and the strength of Mary is what I admire. Her ability to give Jesus the support and love He needed even though she must have been frightened for Him. It’s what I think of when I recite the rosary or when I say, “hail Mary, full of grace.”

To me, Mary is also the feminine aspect of the divine. In the patriarchal religions that I have belonged to, I found that I needed a balance to the masculine words of worship. God is always referred to as “He.” However, I don’t believe that something as vast and mysterious as God is purely masculine in the way that human beings see such things. I ponder the many facets of the divine and how they manifest in my life. Showing my respect to Mary when I genuflect or pray feels like acknowledgement of the fullness of God and the corresponding spark of divine that dwells in our souls. I’m not just one thing. I am many, and I think this is a reflection of Mary and of God.

Free the Breasts! A Call For Change

 Posted by on January 24, 2013
Jan 242013
 

musicians-dancers-300x248-8977715See a shirtless guy running around a beach, pool, mowing the lawn or simply relaxing on a hot day and they won’t even get a second glance.  But imagine you saw a topless woman doing these same activities…you would probably feel some type of offense, or you may sexualize her body or even arrest her, if you are a law enforcement agent.  This, my friends, is a double standard.

Women’s breasts are so objectified in our culture that women are forced to wear a top at all times. We see breasts as sexual objects that are somehow different from the male chest. Nipples are somehow different if they belong to a female-bodied person. Nipples are nipples, one would think (as that is the only area that is required to be completely covered) but the that’s not how the story goes.  That’s why photographer’s can make millions and cause an international scandal selling photographs of Kate Middleton without a top on while her husband Prince William doesn’t even get noticed for being shirtless.

Historically and cross-culturally, we don’t see this same standard. Women in Europe can go topless at pools and beaches without a fuss and in many African cultures (one example being the Zulu’s) female breasts can be exposed any time in completely normal day-to-day life. And throughout history, uncovered breasts were normal and not seen as shameful. Just look at this painting of topless women hula dancing in 1816 or these ancient Egyptian female entertainers. It’s only in recent years that we have seen breasts become a taboo in society. And the effects aren’t only social ones…they can translate to real horrors as well. Just look at the breast ironing happening in Cameroon. Girl’s breasts are being ironed down to keep them looking young as to not bring un-welcomed sexual attention from men to their breasts. How can we look at something like this and not see the outrage? How can we not understand the effects of the breast taboo and not demand that we make a change? How can we let this happen?

It’s because we aren’t willing to face the facts. It’s hard to look and the mirror and realize that we live in a sexist world and culture. That we are responsible for tragedies like this happening and every time we make a fuss about a nip-slip or topless photograph we are only making it that much worse.  We have to be willing to understand the effects of what seems to be harmless and understand that it really goes beyond that. It really creates a world of shame, hostility and repression. We aren’t allowing women the same basic equality that men have and it’s not only unjust but harmful.

Giving women the right to be topless is what’s fair. It’s the first necessary step to ending this extreme obsession and sexualization of breasts. We have to make and allow breasts to be a normal body part just like an arm or a leg. If we stop making them forbidden then we stop having the simultaneous stigma and obsession.  It then frees women to take of their tops as they please just like men can and stops the use women as sex objects. It also creates a more gender fluid world, since we are minimizing the differences between men and women. We see them as people; we eliminate the ‘ my-face-is-up- here’ comments because men won’t be objectifying women’s breasts. Women will be people instead of objects. Voices instead of cleavage.  That’s the real reason we should make a change….to give women back their voices.

Playing Well With Others: an interview with Lee and Mollena

 Posted by on January 22, 2013
Jan 222013
 

pwwo-cover5-203x300-3160993Your new book Playing Well With Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Exploring and Navigating the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities is soon to be released, why did you two decided to co-author it?

Lee –  I was at a kink conference where a guy who was new to the scene showed up and was complaining about the event… that it was so “spiritual” and not “play” oriented enough (though he was a tad ruder than that).  I asked him if he had looked at the website and seen that the event described itself as a relationship and energy focused kink event.  I then asked him why he was at the event, and he said it was the one nearest to him. He had no idea that there were a wide variety of events, and he could have gotten his needs better met at a different conference.

I realized then that no one had written a book on the topic, so I started doing so.  After working on it for a chunk of time, I gave up. I felt too burned out on the topic. I asked a number of folks if they might be interested in collaborating, and they were all so excited about what I had already done, and wanted to help finish it.  Mollena on the other hand said it was a good idea, but had great ideas on different directions it could go, and brought her own vision to the project. I knew she had to be my co-author on the project :)

Mollena  – Lee approached me having already embarked on a search for a collaborator on a very ambitious topic and project. Upon seeing what he’d written, and after getting my feedback on where I felt we could take this and managing to help dissolve some of the overwhelming nature of an undertaking this massive,  we both agreed we would work together well and had similar enough passion and dissimilar enough experience to really make an impact with this project.

 

 

Bringing a book from idea to print is a commitment of creativity and discipline, how did the process go?

Lee – I showed up to the first multi-day session that Mollena and I had scheduled to do with 70+ pages of notes. No, really.  I had been working for a while, and it was insane.  She and I took topics and rearranged them, cut notes into pieces and threw the pieces of paper into different piles, weeded stacks of stuff that did not need to be in the book out – it was an intense process. After that it was days at a time of writing retreats, rounds of back and forth on google documents, too many hours pouring over notes, and of course lots of cupcakes.

Mollena – It was delightful. It was far less lonely than working on my previous project. I felt like I had to up my game, as I was challenged by someone I respected to make this project happen. I had to find out how to communicate my ideas not just on the page but to the other person with whom I’d embarked on this journey. Ultimately it was an unparalleled chance to work on something with another person who was also in there for the long-haul. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

 

 

As the ‘kink community’ grows and more people discover their interest in exploring BDSM, it’s important for them to know how to navigate the different ways to be involved, how will your book help readers out on that journey?

Lee – Playing Well is a great way not only to learn about the wide variety of paths available within the kink community, but also figuring out *your* right path through the exciting choices out there! Plus, getting to find out about how to avoid social pitfalls, and wipe out a stack of myths that pervade about the kink communities before you even get involved, is such a stress relief.

Mollena – Hopefully it will help folks have an opinion about what acceptable behavior looks like. I hope that people who read the book will be less likely to take everything they see and hear about the community at face value, and have a reference that is trustworthy and reliable. I think it also helps serve as a reminder for those who have been around for a while to refresh and level-set and remember what brought us here and what keeps us coming back.

 

 

I love that you encourage readers to find the right experiences for them, do you have any recommendations if someone has a bad first encounter? 

Lee – Consider looking at how to *not* repeat the patterns that happened last time. If it was meeting a solo person off the internet, look into meeting folks at a local Munch instead. If it was the fact that that big kink conference was too overwhelming, examine what smaller events might be a good fit for you. There are a lot of choices out there for how to pursue first steps, and why do the same steps a second time?  Also… be kind to you as you figure it all out.

Mollena – Take a look at what was difficult in the encounter: was it miscommunication? Was there intentional overstepping of boundaries? When scenes are difficult (I don’t use the term “bad” because I feel it makes pejorative something that could be a learning experience) often there is the desire to lay blame. Rather than point fingers, see what your part In the issue was: inexperience? Communication? Was it just a bad day? Or was it negligence? If it was a situation where you were treated poorly or deliberately injured, this is a very different situation. If something criminal is perpetrated, it is my opinion that pressing charges is always an option. However, most problems encountered are due to mis-communication and decompressing after the experience and then communicating with the involved party helps to salvage the situation and bring it back around to something that can help you grow.

 

 

Both of you have been long time leaders in the kink scene, what is a favorite memory of a time when you “played well with others”?

Lee – I think the opportunity to act as an “interpreter” between the different parts of the kinky sex communities has been one of my favorite experiences in the scene(s).  Helping Leathermen talk to cuddle party folks, swingers talk to BDSMers, fetishists to sex nerds – those moments when folks go “oh, I get it” totally light me up.

 

 

What advice would you give to others who would like to publish a sexuality related book?

Lee – Figure out why you really want it out there.  Assess if anyone has written a book on the topic already by doing a *lot* of research, and ascertain whether your book will add something new to the catalogue out there. And find a great editor, even if you are self-publishing, please. Our community, and your vision, deserves excellence and correct grammar.

Mollena – Write what you are passionate about. And don’t expect to get wealthy from it.

 

 

Is there anything else you’d like readers to know about “Playing Well With Others”?

Lee – Whether you are a wide-eyed explorer or a jaded veteran, there is something for you to check out with the book. Let’s get the conversation going on how to create a healthier, sexier, sustainable commUNITY!

The Monogamy Myth

 Posted by on January 20, 2013
Jan 202013
 

istock_000017925734small1-300x199-3270048Kate Bornstein wrote about the modern imperative for identity in her landmark book, “Gender Outlaw”.  Identity is the “need to belong” to a recognizable group, and in her opinion, this is particularly true in regard to gender and sexuality. “Monogamous” is one of the largest self-identified sexual identities, and according to at least one study, it is increasing. A study by Alliant International University released in September 2011, showed that the number of people having sexual relations with someone other than their primary partner declined roughly by half between 1975 and 2000.

If this report is taken at face value, monogamy appears to be gaining in popularity, not that it was ever in danger of going out-of-fashion. But has it already? Was it ever really in fashion at all? While Americans pay lip-service to monogamy, Pamela Haag exposed the reality. In Marriage Confidential, she cites research that shows 80 percent of men and 65 percent of women would cheat if they knew they wouldn’t get caught.

We have two Americas, one where we believe in the Monogamy Ideal, and the other the Monogamy Myth. The Monogamy Ideal pervades popular culture. You spend your life searching for your soulmate, that one perfect person who will be your everything until death do you part. And if the first one-in-a-million tube of wonderful was a mistake, don’t worry, there’s more where that one came from. About 300 more just in our country alone. Countless examples of the Monogamy Ideal abound in music, television, movies and literature. Monogamy is enshrined in our holidays, extoled on our pulpits and held up as the ultimate romantic ideal.

But so to is the Monogamy Myth everywhere we turn, nearly equally prevalent in popular culture. Infidelity and cheating are rampant. We’re endlessly fascinated by the love lives of the rich and famous, even the not-so-famous. Especially when they cheat. How many romantic comedies have one or both leads having to choose between partners? How many romance novels have this very idea at the core of their plot? We’re equally fascinated by the idea of sexual liberation even as society overall disapproves and expects conformity to the Monogamy Ideal.

The truth is simply that the Monogamy Ideal is indeed a myth. Countless surveys, and research papers show us the swingers behind the monogamy curtain. To actually be a true monogamist under the most generous definition, you’d have to only have one sexual partner at a time ever. No cheating, no overlapping, no exceptions. Even among self-identified monogamists, how many of them have multiple sexual partners simply when the relationship they are beginning briefly overlaps the one they are ending? How many of them simply cheat until they get caught? How many of them have “understandings” or “arrangements”? How many of them negotiate threesomes or moresomes, allow experimentation or adventures when far from home, or have a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy?

But the Monogamy Myth is just as much a myth. It’s the other side of a false binary. Because if the Monogamy Ideal is not true, neither can it’s opposite be true. Like the incredible range of human sexual identity, our relationship identity is just as much a spectrum. Some of us fall more naturally on one side or the other. You can be a monogamously inclined individual with multiple partners. Or a single poly person. Or anything else in between.

Non-monogamy, in one of its many forms, is the human norm; polyamory, polygyny, serial monogamy, open relationships and whatever else you can think of are much more prevalent than true “traditional” monogamy, especially when you get outside the Western World. But modern Western society holds fast to the Monogamy Ideal. What does this mean for those of us that are openly and honestly non-monogamous? It means that we are officially not part of the club. It doesn’t matter than most Americans claiming to be monogamous aren’t. Simply by saying they are in the group is enough. The group forgives their transgressions and welcomes them back with open arms. After a little humiliation and contrition, of course. A lot if they are in the public eye. But even the worst philanderers are forgiven. How many times did Newt Gingrich, Elizabeth Taylor or Larry King get married? Did their careers fail? Did their popularity or public image suffer?

By rejecting the Monogamy Ideal, we voluntarily become Outsiders. And in so doing, we lose a host of legal benefits and societal approval. We can lose our jobs for being out. We lose dozens and dozens of legal benefits that monogamous couples take for granted. Many doctors and psychiatrists blame our lifestyle for our medical problems whenever they can. Our family and friends frequently try to convince us that we’re just confused or misguided for our relationship choices.  Those of us who are not out, for whatever reason, have to lie about who they are and who they love every day.

Sound familiar?

The Monogamy Myth and Ideal are false social constructions. The truth of human sexual behavior is somewhere in between, shifting and morphing for every person all the time. Some of us are naturally inclined to multiple partners. Some of us aren’t. Some of us cannot be happy with only one sexual partner. Some of us don’t even want one, let alone several. Everyone should be free to love however they wish, sleep with whomever they wish, and with as many or as few as they wish. Everyone should be free to love and live the life they choose, free from societal judgment and interference.

The Real Danger of Red: “Once Upon a Time” of female sexuality

 Posted by on January 18, 2013
Jan 182013
 

istock_000017750450small-300x199-9614983The story of Little Red Riding Hood has been retold so many times, I have trouble remembering the original, Brothers Grimm, version. It’s a perfectly concise and effective way to teach a double-lesson: one for the younger children, about the dangers of the world around them – listen to mommy, don’t talk to strangers, or you’ll put not just yourself, but your granny in danger; and the other for the young women, introducing them to the rules and realities of a patriarchal culture – if you’re a girl in a pretty red cloak, even worse things can happen to you than getting killed, for strangers, even the most suave and handsome ones, can be wolves who’ll live to prey on you and your good name. So a good girl will learn not to walk alone, and if she does – not to believe smooth-tongued gentlemen callers who might only want to get her out of her clothes.

A look at some of the modern versions of Little Red Riding Hood can reveal a number of rather interesting (and quite disturbing) things about the changes in our culture’s view of female sexuality. In her 1979 short story The Company of Wolves, Angela Carter deals with this aspect of the folk tale most explicitly, not shying away from its violent nature. Her story shows that a part of a woman’s life, in our male-dominated culture, is learning to control her sexuality, which starts as a power overwhelming and transforming the girl who’s entering womanhood, but can become a woman’s greatest strength.

In the beginning of her journey, Red is described as a girl on the verge of sexual maturity, affected by the changes outside of her control:

her breasts have just begun to swell; her hair is like lint, so fair it hardly makes a shadow on her pale forehead; her cheeks are an emblematic scarlet and white and she has just started her woman’s bleeding, the clock inside her that will strike, henceforward, once a month.

Very importantly, the girl’s a virgin, her unspoiled body being a special prize for the wolf and the man inside him, and it is more about men and the patriarchal culture’s focus on female virginity that Carter writes: “Carnivore incarnate, only immaculate flesh appeases him.”

However, The Company of Wolves has a twist ending – it is precisely through her womanhood, and not the hunters’ aid, that Little Red wins over the wolves. The implication throughout the story is that the wolf wants to seduce her: he’s handsome, dressed as a hunter, and when they make a bet, he demands a kiss from Little Red for his victory. Thus, when she is faced with the reality of the werewolf in her grandma’s bed, what she has to do becomes clear:

she knew the worst wolves are hairy on the inside and she shivered, in spite of the scarlet shawl she pulled more closely round herself as if it could protect her although it was as red as the blood she must spill.

She must either sacrifice her virginity or her life, since blood will be spilled either way – and so she seduces the werewolf and burns his human clothes (thus, as the tale teaches us, condemning him to his “wolfishness”). The story ends: “See! sweet and sound she sleeps in granny’s bed, between the paws of the tender wolf,” implying that once the werewolf’s male human nature is gone, he is no longer a threat to the girl. The most dangerous wolves, Carter seems to say, are beasts not in form, but in spirit: they are men, who hide their beastliness “on the inside.”

The creators of Once Upon a Time, a recent ABC television series, have taken the lesson of Little Red Riding Hood a step further: now, it is Red herself who is a werewolf and a danger to her community. While seemingly this twist subverts the power dynamics of the original story, since Red doesn’t have to fear strangers, but it is the strangers who have to live in fear of her – the result of this revision only serves to perpetuate our patriarchal culture, bolstering our fears of unrestrained female sexuality, while highlighting women’s inability to handle it themselves.

First, Red is introduced as a naïve young woman, who doesn’t know that she is a werewolf until she murders her own lover. She can’t control her actions, the story seems to say, whether it’s turning into a wolf and attacking those around her, or pursuing her sexual desires to the detriment of all involved. Second, Red needs to be protected from the villagers, who can discover her secret and kill her, and the role of the guardian is first taken on by her grandmother – the family member stereotypically in charge of passing down the law of patriarchal culture — and then, as even more of an insult to women everywhere, by Prince Charming, who is the only one in town who can calm the crowd and also talk her down. While she may not have to fear the wolves, Red needs a man to help control the wolf within her.

In one of the recent flashbacks of the show that reveals her back-story, we are introduced to Red’s mother, the matriarch of the werewolf family, who incidentally is the one who teaches Red how to control herself when she is a wolf. This self-control, whether we are driven by our human nature or our animal sexual desires, is in our hands, her mother seems to say. However, Red has to kill her mother, who, apparently has no control over her own rage and desire for revenge – thus successfully undermining any defense of female autonomy and sexuality.

So what is the latest lesson of Little Red Riding Hood? In Once, it seems to be: Control your women, for they cannot control their own, dangerous sexuality. They can’t help themselves – they will seduce you, and bring you to a fate much worse than death.

Loving the Curves Ahead

 Posted by on January 16, 2013
Jan 162013
 

istock_000005889664small-500x331-300x198-6808517Both my boyfriends are runners. One, in fact, runs marathons. Although built differently, they are muscular and lean. When we get naked I spend a lot of time running my hands over their chests and abs and legs, luxuriating in the different textures of skin, hair, muscle and bone. They’re beautifully constructed, and I love being naked with them, but I’ve been feeling a little bit self-conscious too. In comparison to the men in my bed, I’m curvy and soft. In fact, I may have some decidedly fluffy areas, and nothing brings that more to my attention than when a fluffy part is contrasted against a lean part of my boyfriend. The worst part is getting so caught up in worrying about my fluff that I’m pulled out of the connection between me and my partner.

I’ve never felt completely comfortable in my skin, and it has only been over the past couple years as I’ve embraced my kinks and sex positive attitude that I’ve begun to make peace with my body type. At my first play party, I think I spent most of the time marveling over the differences in bodies and how the most attractive people were the ones with the most confidence. Their actual shirt or pants size was irrelevant. It was how they carried themselves and their general attitude that said “badass.” I know from actual experience that sexy has more to do with attitude than physical form, but I need reminders. Especially since we’re in the season of treat making and giving and celebrating, and I’ve done more of these three things than exercising.

My criticisms of my body rise with my PMS. The week before my period I’m at my worst emotionally, and the easiest target is my lower abdomen. If you’ve had a baby, you know what I’m talking about. Then there are my upper thighs and upper arms, all of which need more physical activity and less cupcakes. The trick is reminding myself that I’ve made progress with my fitness goals and that all I need to feel better is to pull on my running shoes and get outside. Quite literally, I’m a few steps away from having a better attitude. Four miles later the mind monkeys will be quiet, and I’ll feel a hundred times better. Running also helps me break through writing blocks.

I also recognize the pitfall of food. Portion control is the name of my game, because I love good food. I love baking and cooking, and my kitchen is where I spend most of my time when I’m not writing. From past experience I know that cutting out things like cake and brownies never lasts long. The key for me is to make healthier choices while cutting back the treats so that they’re atypical, not the usual. Doesn’t sound crazy, does it? Well, it’s the doing that proves the biggest challenge. And to keep doing throughout the year despite falling off the healthy wagon. Oh yeah, that part.

As I look forward into the New Year, I’m making exercise and eating goals like most Americans. I hope I’ve gained enough experience to accept that the path to these goals isn’t always a straight one. Deadlines, the lure of tasty food and being a single parent can derail my best laid plans. What counts is getting back on the path and working to be my healthiest while accepting all the curves ahead. Especially my own.

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